I woke up the next morning, which was Saturday morning, to Madam Pomfrey's irate voice that only four visitors should be allowed besides Alice as she needed her rest. I volunteered to go and the others agreed, telling me to take a bath and relax.
However, sleep evaded me after a shower, so I instead headed down to the grounds towards my favorite tree, for it was my quiet place to think. I needed time and silence to try to make sense of everything that had happened that night. I also brought my camera with me, thinking I would take a few pictures of the Lake and send it to my parents, to show them how beautiful Hogwarts was. The lighting today was especially beautiful as silver light filtered down through the thin clouds high in the air; the aftermath of a rainy night.
However, when I got to the beech tree, I found the Marauders lounging about there already. It was strange- always my eyes had been caught by Sirius, but today Remus caught my eyes first and foremost.
Who was he bitten by? And why? Does he remember realizing what that would mean for the rest of his life? Does he remember the horrifying pain and terror of being bitten?
I shuddered. What if those fangs last night had actually pierced my throat? I swallowed, feeling something hard arise in my throat. I tried to turn away, but I could feel myself frozen to the ground in shock and disgust. I couldn't take my eyes off Remus, who was laughing happily as he chatted with Peter.
He's brave, I thought. He's so brave. He still knows how to feel happy. That is the greatest bravery one could show after one's life has been so permanently and horribly altered.
Suddenly, Remus seemed to feel my eyes on him as he turned. Our eyes met. I quickly blinked and looked away.
"Raylynx," he called to me.
The others also turned towards me.
"Come join us," James called. "It's nice under here."
I took a deep breath, breathing life back into myself to force my feet to move. Then I joined them under the lovely tree, just slumbering on the edge of the lake shore. Although today the lake water level was so high the shore didn't actually exist. I could reach out and touch the water right where I was.
"What have you got there?" Remus asked me, nodding towards the camera in my hands.
"It's a Muggle camera," I explained. "It takes stationary pictures."
"What are you taking pictures of?" Peter asked me curiously.
"I wanted to take pictures of the grounds so I could send them to my parents. They've never been here, as they're Muggles," I replied.
"Well, why don't you take a picture of us and send it to them? I think your parents would be quite pleased to see how gorgeous the Gryffindor boys are," James joked.
But I shrugged and said, "I could take a picture for you, if you like."
"All right!" James mussed up his hair and got to his feet, "Where should we stand?"
"In the sun over that way," I said, and the boys promptly lined up.
There was a lot of hassling about where the hands should go and if their hair was looking all right and then there was a butterfly that just wouldn't leave Sirius alone. Finally, they all put their arms around each other's shoulders and faced me.
"One, two, and three." I snapped a photograph of them. It printed out and we waited for it to develop.
"I think you've grown taller," James said to me, coming to stand beside me.
"Have I?" I wondered.
"Yeah, before you were only up to my chest, now you're up to my shoulder," he said, using his hand to measure. Then, his eyes fell to my photograph. "Oh, I see something," he said.
We all gathered around to peer at the photograph. It had come out quite nicely. There was James, messy hair and glasses, Sirius, carelessly handsome, rougish but attractive, Peter, beaming in awe that he could be standing amongst them, and Lupin, more composed than all the others, but also quite happy and somewhat delighted to be standing amongst them. Still, there seemed to be a trace of weary sorrow and resignation in that smile. Or did I think that simply because I could better imagine, even just a little, what kind-of experience he might've gone through? Was still going through?
"I'll develop it in Motus Potion," I explained. "And it'll be just like any Wizarding photo."
"Excellent," James said. "Thanks, Ray."
"I'm starving," Peter complained. "It's nearly lunch time. Let's go."
"Yeah, yeah, we know you're hungry, Pete. Don't worry, we didn't forget you," James said cheerfully.
They turned towards the Great Hall and began walking up with Remus behind them. Sirius turned to me and asked quite hesitantly, "You…Would you like-? Are you coming?" He was looking at me and for once, his eyes seemed slightly lighter- not just in color, but in heaviness. His hands were open, as though he were apologizing.
And I knew that in a strange way, he was apologizing for all the times he had stayed with me under this beech tree as Padfoot without telling me he was Padfoot.
"Yeah," I said. "All right."
He nodded, seemed to half-heartedly wait for me a bit, but then went on ahead and caught up with the boys.
Later that evening, I had just finished concocting the Potion and dipped the photograph in it, along with several others of the Lake and of the girls as well, and hung them in our dorm room to dry. I'd put up a piece of string between mine and Dorcas' bed and clipped each of the photos on them with a bucket under them to catch any stray drips. I bottled whatever was left of the Potion and then washed my hands and headed down to dinner where I found Alice sitting with Dorcas, Marlene, and Lily.
"Apparation lessons begin in a week!" Lily was saying excitedly, "And we'll all be of age to take the Hogsmeade test!"
"Ugh, it's a horrible sensation, though," Dorcas said. "Makes me want to barf every time I go through it."
"I forgot people have already experienced it before," Lily said, looking disappointed, as she always was when she discovered someone else was ahead of her in anything.
The photographs had finished absorbing the Potion by the time we finished dinner and headed upstairs to our dorm room.
"Wow," Alice said. "These are beautiful." And they were, the softly shimmering waves on the Lake and the sun filtering through the windows into the hallway. I took down the photograph of the boys and looked at it, watching them smile contentedly at the camera.
I waited until the others were asleep to slip down in the common room to see if any of the Marauders were downstairs. If not, I planned to simply slip it under their door and hope they noticed it before one of them slipped on it.
But as I came downstairs into the common room, the Fat Lady swung open to admit Sirius, walking in holding hands with yet another flawlessly beautiful girl. I recognized her as a seventh-year Ravenclaw girl. Seriously, where do they come from, these flawless girls?
Sirius walked right past me, laughing happily with the girl, not noticing me standing there like a statute. I might have been a part of the wall, for all that mattered.
Marlene would have said something. Marlene would have made herself noticed. She would never take this crap.
But Marlene is beautiful and bold. Besides, Marlene has a right to say something. He still likes her. Whereas I… What do I have? I might have thought today, that we were staring to be friends, but the truth is that that's all Sirius will ever see me as- a friend, whereas I wish I were something more to him.
I sat down on the couch in front of the dying fireplace. The common room was completely empty, half of the people asleep, the other half out partying, most likely at the Ravenclaw common room, where rumors of a stash of firewhiskey were abound.
I have nothing.
"Ray?"
I turned to see James at the foot of the stairs in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms.
"James. Why are you here?" I asked him.
"Sirius," James said in a clipped tone. "I'd rather not have to deal with that tonight."
"Remus and Peter?" I asked him as he joined me on the couch.
"Peter went to that Ravenclaw party with the Hufflepuff girl and Remus is off to Hogsmeade to sneak some chocolate."
"That sounds like him," I said, smiling.
"He is a man of many characteristics," James replied. "Gloomy, yes. Fierce, yes. Smart, incredibly. Old-man-ish, always. Slightly childish, definitely."
I hesitated, wanting to ask if James knew about how Remus had become a werewolf, but decided against it. "I heard about Gryffindor's win over Ravenclaw. Apparently, you snatched the Snitch from right under Darcy's nose. Good job."
James shrugged. "Got lucky. He sneezed at the wrong time."
"What's that?" James asked then, looking over my shoulder at the photograph in my hand.
"Oh yeah, here, that's yours. Or whoever wants it," I said, handing him the photograph.
"That is brilliant," James said. "Wow, how sexy is my hair? Look at that motin."
I laughed. "You are so very ridiculous sometimes, James. You know that?"
"Well, I try to be. Sirius always says, what's life without a little risk? But I think it's the ridiculousness of it all that makes life precious," James said. "Don't you think so?"
"I'm not sure I follow your wisdom," I said, half-joking.
But James responded seriously, "You don't ever marvel at how oddly specific things happen to us? I can never predict what's going to happen to me tomorrow, and I can never explain why it happens to me, of all people, and sometimes that makes me anxious. But at the same time, that's what makes life precious."
This unexpectedly insightful and mature comment took me aback and I found myself rather unable to respond.
"Anyhow, what about the girls?" James asked me, to which I replied, "Lily's asleep."
James shrugged. He seemed to be a more serious mood tonight. "I don't particularly enjoy being embarrassed, you know," he admitted. "It actually takes a lot of nerve for me to ask her out each time I do it, even though I'm sure she thinks it's nothing. But I'm not ashamed that I like her. I can't help it, it's an honest feeling, so even if the whole world knows, that's fine by me."
"Good for you," I said honestly. "Wish I could say the same."
"Yeah." James nodded, and then he said, "Wait, what? So you like someone?"
Oh, bugger.
My cheeks flushed but I stared determinedly at the fireplace. "No, I was just talking about things in general."
"Uh-huh," James said sarcastically. "Right, I'm sure that's what you meant."
I didn't reply.
"You're so terrible at lying," James shook his head and then nudged my shoulder with his. "C'mon, tell me."
"Go away," I moaned.
"You know I like Lily, it's only fair that I know who you like," James tried to reason.
"James," I glared at him, "the entire world knows you like Lily. It's not like it's a secret or anything."
"What, and yours is a national secret? I mean, I'm sure you've told all the girls, right? So…" his voice trailed off in disbelief as color rose in my face again. "You haven't told any of the girls? Oh man, it must be really bad."
I stood up and pointed my wand at him.
"W-what are you doing?" he asked nervously.
"Performing a Memory Charm on you," I said. "Stay still, James. Oblivi-"
"Okay, okay! For Merlin's sake, don't obliviate me!" James begged.
I sat back down on the couch next to him and stowed away my wand.
"But I mean, if it's someone you're supposed to hate…" James started to say, and when I began pulling out my wand again, he said hastily, "No, just tell me that it's not me."
"It's not you," I said, rolling my eyes. "Don't worry. You aren't that handsome, James."
"And it's not Remus?"
"No, definitely not."
"Peter?"
I shot him another look.
"Right, yeah, I thought not."
"Erm… Sirius? No, but that's way too crazy. I mean, Marlene hates his guts and loathes every girl he so much as talks to. Lily, Dorcas, and Alice think he's a complete psychotic prat. And you know about his family, which is a complete turn-off for any girl in her right mind…"
This whole time I bit hard on my lip to keep from cursing James and stared straight into the fire. My eyes were going to go blind if I kept staring so hard.
"So Sirius is a no, right?" James finished.
I felt completely frozen, even though I was staring so hard at the fireplace.
"Ray, right?"
I turned to look at him. What my face must've looked like, I can't imagine.
Only… only…
"Ray…" James' eyes widened. "No."
"No way," he muttered. "No. Way!"
I buried my head in my hands.
"You aren't in your right mind, after all," James said.
I groaned internally. Blast, what's the point of doing well in Occulumency when I can't hide the emotions on my own face?
"Merlin's beard!" James was still going on in awe. "And all this time, I thought you were indifferent to him, possibly even hated him."
"James," I finally snapped, "shut up!"
"Sorry," he said immediately. He paused for a moment, but then the words came racing out of him. "But you must admit, that's quite unexpected."
"You tell anyone, anyone, even your third-cousin forty-seven times removed in Japan and I will seriously obliviate you," I threatened.
"But I haven't got a third-cousin forty-seven times removed in Japan-"
"James."
"Okay, okay, I won't," James said quickly. "Besides, even if I did, no one would believe me. You really do seem indifferent to him. Cold, almost. Even when it's just the three of us, you always seem so irritated by him. You treat him very sarcastically."
"I must admit," James told me, :Sirius is a bit of an alpha, so I don't think coming off as dominant and reserved is the best way to-"
"Oh, come on, James," I said, scoffing. "I'm not trying to play games with Sirius."
James paused. "You're not? Why not? If you like him."
"Because," I said, frustrated. "Do I have to say it?"
"I think you do," James replied. "Because I'm not getting it."
Torn between frustration and laughter, I let out a sigh and just told him the truth, even though it was rather painful to say. "You said it yourself, I'm not very feminine, and I know that I'm not naturally attractive."
James opened his mouth to interrupt me, but I soldiered on. "And most of the time, that's all right. I don't mind. I'm just happy that I've found things that I'm decent at, like Quidditch or Ancient Runes, even if no one cares for Ancient Runes. But those things don't seem to matter when it comes to who likes who. And so, imagining someone like me being with someone like him is so ridiculous. I can't even acknowledge the possibility myself, and I don't want to be a fool that entertains the impossible."
"Impossible is a strong word," James said weakly. I could tell that he was struggling to form a response to my sudden outpouring of emotions.
I tried to simplify it for him. "Look at me, James. Can you see me with Sirius? I can't."
James looked torn, almost embarrassed. "Well..." he said.
"Maybe I'm just not as confident that I'm right for Sirius as you are about Lily," I said, trying to diffuse the situation. I hadn't meant to make it so awkward. In fact, I hadn't meant to tell James any of this. I looked away, and waited for James to try to make a joke or brush it all off.
Instead, James said quietly, "Confident? You think I'm confident?" He sounded nervous, almost sad. He laughed, but his laugh was not the usually jovial, borderline annoyingly cheerful laugh that I usually identified with him. It was quieter, deeper, and more to himself.
I looked over at him to see that he was no longer looking at me. He was looking at his hands, his eyes downcast. "No," he said quietly, "I'm not confident. In fact, I'm afraid. Because I know I'm not good enough for her. And I'm scared she'll meet someone else that will be more worthy of her… to be with her…"
"There isn't," I replied, quite honestly. "James, there's no one like you."
James turned to me again, and I expected that same quirky smile to rise to his lips. But instead, his usually open brown eyes were unreadable, except to say that they were… tender.
I watched as his lips parted just slightly before he swallowed hard and turned away.
Why is he being like this? Oh, of course, this must be incredibly awkward for him. Now that he knows I like Sirius, he's stuck between two friends.
"Listen," I said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong," he said, and his voice was tight.
"Then what…?" I began, confused. I tried to look at his face, to read his expression, but he was still determinedly turned away from me, avoiding my gaze. His hands were balled up in fists. Impatiently, I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me. "James, what-?"
He suddenly grabbed my shoulders, hard, shoving me back and then kissed me.
I felt myself falling backwards and the back of my head hit the armrest of the couch. Luckily, it was soft.
I whimpered slightly, unable to quite comprehend what was going on. His lips were pressed against mine. What does this mean?
I shut my eyes tightly.
Oh Merlin, Raylynx, a voice in my head said, Can you please let go for once? Can you please do as you feel is right?
And I felt myself begin to relax, begin to…
Our mouths bumped against each other. It was awkward, and we were both already breathless. We weren't together at all, but still, something about it just felt-
My hands found themselves tangled in his soft brown locks and when I pulled him closer to me, our lips finally locked together.
He tasted unexpectedly sweet and his lips were quite soft and warm, even as they slipped and grasped against mine in a way that made my mind go awry, my senses aflame, and my body melt.
Oh, some part of my brain thought, this is what kissing is like.
His hand, slightly trembling, but so warm to the touch, cupped my face as he kissed me deeper. But it was that touch, that trembling touch of something other than his lips that jolted me back to my senses.
I suddenly froze. So did James.
Our eyes opened and met.
Oh my god.
"Oh Merlin," James breathed out. He quickly backed off from me and I hastily sat up, incredibly embarrassed. My face flushed pink.
"Sorry, I-sorry," James stuttered, as out of sorts as I'd ever seen him.
"Oh my god," I said to myself, not breathing right, "Oh my…"
And then, inexplicably, I started to laugh.
"Ray?"
I shut my eyes and shook my head, unable to explain the nonsensical even that had just happened between us.
"James, what did we even just-? Goodness..."
James' anxious, embarrassed face slowly changed into one of bemusement as he watched me hack over with random spurts of laughter.
Finally, wiping tears from my eyes, I said, "Friends?"
James grinned and said, "Yeah, friends."
