I don't remember being released from the hospital. I don't remember returning to classes, where other students attempted to console me, for the Daily Prophet had already announced my parents' death, the attack on my sister, and the truth about my brother. The Ravenclaw girl and boy who I'd fought with came up to me to say that they were sorry, but I don't remember exactly what it was they said. I don't remember how I responded or if I responded at all. I vaguely remember Lily, Dorcas, Marlene, and Alice protecting me and telling people off whenever people pointed and whispered. But it didn't matter. I couldn't hear it anyways.

I stopped attending Apparation lessons and spent my Easter holidays sitting beside the Lake by day and wandering the corridors by night. I preferred not to sleep, because the emptiness that I was during the day became filled to the brim with painful, terrifying images at night. I took to simply sitting down by the Ravenclaw corridors where sometimes the Grey Lady would keep me company, though neither of us ever spoke. On other nights, I would find myself up in the Astronomy Tower, staring at the callous, unblinking, uncaring stars.

One of these nights, the door creaked open. I didn't turn around, not until a voice called my name.

"Raylynx."

I turned towards the door disinterestedly to see Regulus.

"I thought you might be up here," he said quietly.

I didn't say anything but when he stepped forward, I drew my wand without second thought and pointed it straight at his throat.

He stopped short, but didn't draw his own wand.

We stood there and the seconds passed by.

"Raylynx," he murmured my name.

"Stop saying my name," I hissed. "My parents didn't name me Raylynx for foul bastards like you to use it."

"I…" He hesitated and then pressed on. "I'm not what you think I am."

"I don't care," I retorted. "I don't care anymore. I'll kill you and every other Death Eater who dared to turn their wand against Muggle-borns."

"I'm not against Muggle-borns," Regulus half-whispered.

"Is that why my brother's lying in the hospital for being a fantastic Muggle-born Quidditch player? Is that why my sister's attacked every single day of her life for attempting to guarantee Muggle-borns equal rights in the eyes of the law? Is that why my parents are dead? For being Muggles. Because if that's not against Muggles and Muggle-borns, I don't know what is!"

"Or," I continued savagely, "do you prefer I use the term 'Mudblood'.

Regulus watched me intently, but when I spat out that disgusting word, he looked away as if I'd physically slapped him.

"We didn't ask for this," I said and despite my anger, I felt the tears rising within me. Why did Regulus always break through my mask? "We didn't… we didn't deserve this."

"None of us did," Regulus countered, looking up at me again. His expression was fierce.

"You had a choice!" I shouted, abandoning all pretense of control. "You had a choice to be a Death Eater! You think my parents had a choice to be Muggles!? You think they asked for children like us? You think-"

"God, I hate you", I spat. "Stupef-!"

Regulus suddenly closed the distance between us and grabbed my hand and turned it. My wand clattered to the ground. I struggled against him, but he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I shoved at him, but no matter how many times I pushed him back, he would hold me again, never attempting to hurt me.

"Let me go!" I shoved at him hard. "Don't fucking touch me!" He finally stepped back.

"I know!" he shouted in a wrenching voice. "I know you're hurting, Raylynx!"

"No, fuck you! You don't know anything. How could you? You hate me because I'm a Mudblood, how could you possibly begin to understand me?"

"I don't hate you! I don't see how I could hate you!" Regulus said, his eyes tortured. "But I didn't have a choice, either!"

"There is a reason- a reason I'm… like this," Regulus said, breathing heavily, and for once, it was his stone-cold mask that was broken. For once, his eyes weren't unfathomable but naked, pleading, and desperate. Those wide, doe-eyed eyes that were so honest, so afraid, and so very innocent.

It was just startling enough to stop me from pushing past him and leaving him.

"I'm not… I'm not what you think I am," he said again. "I didn't have a choice."

"You could have chosen not to be a Death Eater," I said, almost cutting him off. "How is that difficult?"

"If I chose that, do you think my family would still be unharmed? Do you think Sirius would be alive? You think the Dark Lord would leave us alone, in peace, if we renounced our pure-blood elitism?! Why else do you think I chose Slytherin over Gryffindor? The Sorting Hat wanted me in Gryffindor and I chose- I chose Slytherin because- I'm just- damn it, I'm just trying to protect my family!"

The pain spilled out of his voice and glistened in his eyes. It destroyed him to say this aloud. It was the confession of a desperate life of sixteen years of being a protector when he should be the protected.

I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't do as much as whisper his name. I had never been so humbled and astonished in my life.

Silence swelled up between us again, until Regulus spoke, looking away from me and out into the grounds.

"I was given a mission by the Dark Lord. I am to aid in the slaughter of a village of Muggles," Regulus said. He stood up straight and looked at me. I could see tears streaking down his face, alighted by the moonshine.

I stared at him numbly, vaguely registering the horror running through my veins. Horror at what? Horror at slaughtering Muggles or horror because I might lose-?

"I don't want to go," Regulus said brokenly. "I don't-"

His voice choked.

"But if I don't," he whispered, "he'll come after me. He'll kill me and my family."

He turned back to me, trying to keep a brave face. But he failed and began to crumble. His back begin to slip down the ramparts. Without thinking about it, I raced forward to help him, to hold him up on his feet, but instead, I ended up falling down with him. We were both sitting on the ground, and I was still holding onto the front of his shirt.

Regulus' face was turned away from me in an attempt to hide his desperation and sorrow.

"Don't go," I said softly. "What if you get hurt?"

"I suppose that means less Muggles will die," Regulus said bitterly.

"I don't care," I replied immediately, and I knew those were my honest words. I was more horrified at the idea of losing him. Not now, not now when this was the most of him I'd ever had. "I…Regulus..."

Regulus turned to look at me then. His gaze was soft, almost peaceful.

"They tell me that purebloods are better than Muggle-borns, Slytherins better than Gryffindors, but then I look at you… and I can't believe that. Let go of me." He tugged my hands away from him. "I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of you."

"No- I don't-" I grasped his shirt again, unwilling to let him go. "Forget about that! Please, just forget! Just pretend as if- as if you weren't a Slytherin pureblood and I wasn't a Gryffindor Muggle-born. Pretend like we're free from all this."

Regulus' gaze was piercing as he looked at me. His eyes fell on his lips and he leaned in towards me. I trembled, knowing what it was he meant to do.

He hesitated, feeling me shiver slightly.

"Are you afraid?" he whispered.

Though I couldn't stop the slight trembling, I knew, beyond a doubt, that I was safe with him.

I shook my head.

"Will you… have me?", he asked me softly, gently, hesitatingly.

This was the Regulus I knew, this was my Regulus, the one with that frightened doe-eyed look.

I nodded, feeling tears spill over as I did so.

He leaned forward ever-so-slowly…

My breath caught. I knew that Regulus meant me no harm, that he would never hurt me, that he always been trying to protect me this whole time…but still, I trembled at the thought of having him touch me.

He was, after all, a Slytherin. And what was more, a Death Eater.

Like the ones that killed my parents.

I couldn't help it. I shuddered.

He immediately tried to break away from me.

"No," I protested, and tried to hold onto him, but I couldn't help my hand from trembling, my fingers from weakly and unsuccessfully grasping at the front of his robes.

"I understand," Regulus said, but though his words were comforting, his eyes were full of infinite sorrow. "You're afraid of me."

I tried to shake my head to deny it, but I couldn't.

He read the fight in my eyes, and read the answer.

He made to turn away again, but I tried to speak, "No, Regulus, I… I know I have no reason to be afraid of you. I know I'm safe with you. You've been protecting me this whole time. I know that."

"Do you?" he asked me desperately, gazing at my hand still trembling on his robe.

I took a deep breath, to steady my voice as much as possible. Then, I replied, "Yes."

Our eyes locked, and I swear I could see entire galaxies in his eyes. They were so bright, so vivid, so clear.

"But I need you to give me time," I whispered, my voice slipping back into itself. "So you have to... you have to come back, Regulus."

I felt warmth spread against my cheeks as I admitted this incredibly vulnerable statement to him. But it was true. I needed him with me.

I need you to come back.

His fingers very slowly reached out to touch my face.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to focus on controlling the shuddering that threatened to overtake my body.

Then I felt his cool fingers gently brush against my blushing cheek.

It was the briefest touch, and then his fingers were gone.

"I have to go."

I opened my eyes and saw him, staring at me with eyes now immersed in shadow and sorrow.

I wanted so badly to never let him go, but I knew…

"I know," I said back and my voice rang in a hollow abyss.

We rose from the floor and he picked up my wand and handed it to me.

Then, he walked to the doorway and looked back at me. I tried hard to get the emotions from getting the better of me, stopping whatever tears from flooding my eyes.

He tried to smile at me, a gentle, more-sad-than-anything smile, before he left me, leaving the Astronomy Tower, to become someone he hated. To act in a way that was worse than suicide for him.


I felt different, after that. There was a reason to wake up every morning, to rush down to the Great Hall in the hopes of seeing him back, alive and well.

But weeks went by without his presence…

And I slowly found myself slipping back into that dreadful state of hollowness…

It was the final day of term. I hadn't packed yet and nor did I want to be in a hall full of people staring at me again. So when the girls asked me if I was coming, I told them I needed to pack, even though I technically had another week to pack before I left with Professor McGonagall. They nodded and let me be.

I watched them go with an echo of regret in my heart. I wasn't being fair to them. They were trying their hardest to be there for me, but I just couldn't reciprocate their goodness. I felt empty, like I had nothing left to give.

I quietly began to pack my things, trying to store away my memories and feelings with the clothes and books.

"Hello."

Startled, I dropped my book to the ground and whirled around to see Professor Maudrick.

"Professor!"

"Ms. Kingsley."

"How did you get in here?"

Professor Maudrick smiled a little and said, "A very big leap."

"Raylynx, I heard what happened to you family."

I tried to smile like I was capable of dealing with it, but failing miserably, I hastily turned away and pretended to pack again, though not really seeing what I was putting where.

He was going to say the same worthless things, I'm sorry, it's tragic, and that's terrible-

"It was not your fault."

I froze.

Then the same guilt that had made me numb for days washed over me again, melting away any hope of actually believing what Professor Maudrick had actually told me.

"That's not true," I mumbled, unable to stem the flow of hot, salty, guilty tears. "I-I could have saved them. But I wasn't strong enough. In the end, I was sitting in a room, doing nothing, while they were tortured and killed."

"They were Muggles," I said, and the words were bitter on my tongue. "They didn't even suspect and even if they did, they were helpless. Helpless to die, condemned to death by something they had no knowledge of or power over. What could be more frightening than that? It was their worst nightmare come alive and I wasn't there. I should have been there, if only to die with them. But I'm cowardly. And weak."

"My parents weren't Muggles," Professor Maudrick said, with a heavy sigh."But they faced just the same situation when..." His voice faltered but he pushed on, "When my brother slaughtered them. They weren't going to raise a wand against him even though… even though…"

"Professor?" I asked hesitantly, distracted from my own pain. I had no idea what he was talking about, but the agony in his voice and expression frightened me.

"We didn't know he'd been bitten," Maudrick confessed, and his own words seemed to take him by shock, "So when he transformed… Werewolves don't have any recollection of their human identities. They'd kill their best friend if they happened to be near the werewolf when he transformed… or his mother, father, younger sister…" He stopped and looked away, his voice thick.

"That night, my brother transformed and massacred everyone in the house. My mother died to save me."

"Your brother?" I whispered, horrified.

"He's dead now," Professor Maudrick said in a pained voice. "The Ministry of Magic Defense Squad showed up and killed him." His voice cracked at the end.

He cleared his throat and went on. "But some would say that it had been my responsibility to protect my parents in that situation."

"You couldn't have," I said immediately. "There is nothing you could have done, Professor."

"My mind knows that, but thinking that doesn't keep me from feeling guilty." He paused before saying softly, "What I'm trying to say is that feeling bad about yourself, even feeling guilty for being alive when loved ones are not... It doesn't mean you're responsible. Being involved in something terrible does not make you a terrible person. Besides, we've got both light and dark inside us. What matters in the end... is what we chose to act on. That's who we really are. "

I tried to say "yes", but my voice was lost, somewhere deep in grief.

Maudrick walked over to me and ruffled my hair. At his touch, I realized that he was now the only man I knew that would ruffle my hair like that. In that moment, I felt a slight warmth in me, a warmth that blossomed further when I heard him shout "W-woahh!" as he slid down the staircase-turned-slide.

But as the Professor left, I realized that his coming here had shown loyalty to me, loyalty long due to my friends whom I'd mistreated. So instead of sneaking off to the Ravenclaw corridors to be by myself, I waited for them to return.

"You didn't finish packing," Marlene noticed when they returned.

"No," I agreed.

"We have to leave in a few hours. Do you want some help?" Lily offered.

"No," I said.

Silence fell between us again and the girls awkwardly turned to their own trunks.

"I'm actually staying with Professor McGonagall this summer. Since my parents are… Well, my home isn't safe anymore."

The girls all paused at this information, but simply nodded and refrained from commenting.

I found myself feeling quite isolated for the remaining few hours, until finally it was almost time for them to go.

"Come on," Dorcas said to the others and they grabbed their trunks.

"Listen," I said suddenly, standing up. "I know I've been ungrateful. I know I've failed to be a loyal friend. And I'm sorry."

Marlene shook her head and walked towards me, enveloping me in a tight hug. "We weren't thinking that about you at all, Ray. We just didn't want to pressure you in any way, that's all."

"Don't worry, Ray, we're here for you. No matter what." Dorcas smiled a small smile at me.

Marlene nodded. "We mean that, too. Whenever you need us, owl us straight away."

"And we'll come," Lily promised.

Alice grasped me in a tight hug as well. "Love you, Ray."

Love you…

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I closed my eyes. "Love you too. Take care."


I saw them off before spending my days in a gloriously empty common room or on the Hogwarts grounds. Finally, it was also my time to leave. I spent the night before finishing my packing. I cleared the last of my bookshelves and my fingers came upon something smooth and thin. I picked it up to see that it was one of the photographs I'd taken, a moving picture of the view from the Astronomy Tower with the stars brilliantly twinkling down.

I had meant to send it to my parents along with the rest of the pictures. But my parents hadn't seen the rest of those pictures either. I swallowed hard and put the picture back down.

Life had changed so suddenly, sometimes it still felt like it was a dream. But the fire in my heart, burning with pain and shame and longing, was so sharp I knew I was wide awake and this was reality. This was my life.

And it would be what I would make of it.

No more excuses. No more weakness.

There was a soft knock on my door.

"Come in," I said.

Professor McGonagall entered, "Ms. Kingsley. Are you ready?"

"Yes, Professor. I am."