I woke up to Alice's gently shaking me awake.
"C'mon, Ray," she said, yawning herself. "You've got Healing and Potions exams today. Wake up, please."
I blearily got up and then nearly cried out in pain. I looked down at my wrists to see them puffed-up and badly bruised. They were a sickly purple-pink.
But my attention was distracted by Marlene hurriedly stomping by and then slamming the dormitory door shut very aggressively.
I looked around at them all. "What did I do?" I murmured sleepily.
"Well, you..." Dorcas' voice died away before it even began.
"What?" I prompted.
"You were saying a certain name while you were sleeping," Lily supplied uncertainly.
"And what name was that?"
Lily hesitated before saying aloud, "Sirius."
Sirius.
Oh Merlin. Sirius!
I leapt out of bed and began to throw on clothes.
"Ray? Your exams don't begin for another hour."
"I know! I won't be at breakfast!" I shouted as I dashed out of the dorm with my bag.
I raced to the Infirmary and just about shoved both doors off their hinges as I skidded in.
"Goodness gracious! Child! Calm yourself!" Poppy scolded me. I had almost run into her holding a vial of bright turquoise liquid and a cloth.
"Did you oversleep?" Poppy asked me, frowning at me. But she checked her pocket watch. "No, in fact you're early. Lovely, you can help me with a patient. As a matter of fact, since your examination is in an hour anyways, you may just begin now."
"Poppy, I'm here because-"
"What happened to your wrists?" Poppy seethed angrily.
"Er… Quidditch?" I said lamely.
She pulled out her wand and tapped each of my wrists, murmuring. They healed instantly. "Reckless girl. I shall have you banned from that dreadful sport. Now bring the cart around." She pulled the hangings back from the bed.
"But Poppy, I-"
But the words died in my throat when I realized who the 'patient' was.
Remus Lupin had a heavy mass of bandages covering his entire torso and his arm was in a cast. His eyes seemed sunken and his lips were chapped and cracked. His face seemed bloodless, save for the bruising atop his cheekbones and sprouting alongside his jaw.
"What are you doing?" Poppy snapped. "Bring the cart around, now. Come, your examination has begun."
Without another word, I brought the cart around and mechanically handed Poppy what she demanded.
A savage animal who's nature it was to kill and infect versus a pathetic young cat out for a winter romp… I had been trapped in his claws within seconds and never had I felt so terrified before.
I was sure I was going to die.
"Didn't you hear me, girl? What do you need for bruising like this?"
My eyes slowly followed Poppy's demanding finger, which pointed at a paw-shaped bruise on his cheek.
In desperation, I had reached out and swiped at his face. It made contact and he howled in pain, but only tightened his grip on me.
"The Arynyca Potion," I said numbly and handed her a vial filled with bright red potion. She wet a cloth with the liquid and began to dab at his face.
"What this boy goes through," she clucked her tongue.
I'd whimpered and shut my eyes, flattening myself as much as possible in the wolf's claws, cowering. But a large bark sounded and the werewolf was facing another victim. He dropped me into the snow.
Between the dog and myself, we were able to distract the wolf for some time. But finally, the wolf had had enough. With an enraged howl, he went for the dog. With a mighty swipe, he threw him against a solid rock jutting out from the ground and a snapping sound reverberated through the woods. The dog's howl of pain mixed with the wolf's howl of victory. I leapt forward- but then-
A loud howl sounded, full and rich, to us. It seemed to be a call for his kind. The wolf stopped and then turned, paying no attention to the dog's piteous whimpering.
Another howl- and the wolf bounded off, taking after whatever sounded so like his own call.
"And for cuts that seem to be infected with dirt and release pus?"
"A concoction of Sea Buckthorn and White Geranium," I said emotionlessly and handed that to her as well.
And then the dog lost consciousness and returned to its form as a man.
I'd transformed back, too.
"Sirius! Sirius!"
I'd run over to him and dropped on my knees to better look at him.
He was, at the least, a total mess.
"In order to seal the cuts for maximum healing, what do you use?"
"A balm of Agnus Castus or a wax from Vitex and Cedar," I replied.
Blood poured from an open gash on his face and cuts all over his shoulders and forearms sent rivulets of blood trickling down his arms.
He was a good fighter. He had not allowed the wolf to rip open his chest, but it had come at the cost of his arms.
"Sirius!"
"Incontagio!" I said, pointing my wand at his cuts. Black blood spilled out of them and Sirius moaned in discomfort as the poison spilled out of his system.
"Ferula!" Bandages appeared and wrapped themselves up around his mangled arms.
"Sirius, please!" I said desperately.
A single snowflake fell on his face. He shivered.
But the snowflake was quickly followed by several, and then many, and then a barrage.
I looked around us for the first time to see that a storm was beginning. Its voice had already begun howling through the trees.
If we stayed out here, we would die of cold.
I would have to get us back to the castle.
I tried to pick him up, but my cut wrists resisted and I grit my teeth in pain each time I attempted to pull him up.
Finally, I bandaged my wrists tight enough to cause them to be numb and I managed to drag Sirius up so that I could support him.
I lighted my wand and tried to find my way through the Forbidden Forest. Several times, I got lost. But I could look up to the sky, and even in this storm and through the white sky, a lone star shone dimly through everything. It was the Sirius star and it led me back to Hogwarts.
"How many teaspoons of Agrimony would you give him at this moment?"
"Four."
I entered through a secret passageway that ran along the wall of the castle and stumbled out into a hallway.
Two voices were arguing at the other end, besides the entrance.
"There is no other place than the Forbidden Forest. If we do it in the Castle, we're bound to get caught!"
"Even in the Forest, with that Hagrid oaf, it's too risky. What if he finds us all there?"
"Then where else do you suggest, Severus? We have to come up with a solution tonight! Else the Knights of Walpurgis-"
"Help me!" I'd shouted, feeling my own strength fail me.
My arms were turning blue from the bandages and I had no more feeling in my hands.
Sirius slipped a little from my grasp. I had to pull him back up. He moaned.
Severus' and Regulus' faces both betrayed utter shock.
"Please!" I said desperately. "I need to get him to the Hospital Wing!"
"And tomorrow?"
"Two and six-eighths."
Regulus' eyes shone with concern and fear, but in a dry whisper he said mechanically, "Kingsley, who do you think you're asking help for?"
"I know you're Slytherins, but please! Please help him! You're human, aren't you?" I said to Snape.
"And you…you're his brother, aren't you?" I begged to Regulus.
They were both absolutely frozen and then Snape spat vehemently, "It's no concern of mine whether he dies, that filthy arrogant dog. It's no more than he deserves."
"Regulus," I pleaded. "Please, he's so badly hurt. Won't you help him?"
His eyes suddenly turned cold as ice. "Are you asking for him or for yourself?"
I didn't understand what he meant, but it didn't matter. I was so fed-up with them, the both of them. They were inhuman, they were cruel, they were disgusting and vile and filth.
"Fine, fine, then get out of my way!"
Regulus stepped in front of me with tortured eyes, but he made no move to help me.
My wrist gave a crack and my frustration broke with the flood of pain that suddenly coursed through my veins.
"If you won't help me, get the hell out of my way!"
"What kind-of pain-killer is best in this kind-of situation?"
"Arctium and Magnolia."
"Fed or applied?"
"Applied."
"Hmmph, very good."
Poppy proceeded to barrage me with more specific questions, providing me hypothetical cases to solve.
It seemed I answered from behind a veil. A certain numbness clouded my mind, but I answered with a calmness not normally present in my demeanor. It proved to my favor and when the examination ended, she gave me an approving nod. She then excused me and headed for her office. I gazed upon Remus' exhausted face a moment longer before I broke and raced to Sirius' bed further down.
He was sleeping and it seemed, in much better condition than Remus, at least. The bandages I had managed to summon in a vain effort to stem his bleeding had been gone, replenished by fresh ones. It seemed he was not in pain, at least.
The necklace that had once been mine and Remus' lay on Sirius' chest, shimmering slightly in the now-risen morning sun.
I gently reached out and touched it.
"Please," I whispered, "protect him as best you can."
And then I turned away and left the Hospital Wing before Poppy came back out.
In Potions, my mind underwent the same distant procedure of numbly answering the questions on the paper in incredibly messy handwriting. Luckily, Slughorn allowed me to borrow a standard-size flask, though he was very stern in scolding me. But I was so numb, so dazed, that it hardly reached my ears, much less my mind.
I turned in my examination and left. Severus Snape, who had finished before me, was waiting for me outside the door.
"Black got into an argument his best friend Remus Lupin, did he?" he smirked and the malice in his eyes disgusted me.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said bluntly and started to shove my way past him.
"Don't you know? Remus Lupin is a-"
I shoved him hard and drew out my wand, sticking it into his neck, "If you breathe one more word, I'll-"
"Ray? Sev!"
Lily had appeared, having just finished the exam herself.
Snape's face twisted. He harshly shoved me aside and quickly took off.
"Wait! Wait, Severus!"
But he would not wait.
"Ray, are you all right?" she asked me instead.
I didn't answer her question but instead said, "If you want to speak with him so badly, you should go after him."
Lily stared at me for a heavy second, and I could feel her heart warring with her mind. Then, suddenly, she took off, across the hallway and down the steps, in search of Severus.
When Lily was gone, another voice behind me said, "Can that apply to me as well?"
I turned. It was Regulus.
"Raylynx, I want to speak with you."
Raylynx's POV (In Bold Font)
He led me to an empty broom cupboard which we both ducked into.
But this meeting was not like the others. I stared up at him numbly, even disinterestedly.
He must have read this in my face and it motivated him to speak, "Yesterday night..."
Those words alone shook me out of my numbness.
Lily's POV (Normal Font)
"Severus! Severus!"
I caught the glimpse of his cloak whirl around the corner and ran harder, determined to catch up with him.
But suddenly, he reappeared. I nearly shrieked but he clapped a hand across my mouth and led me away. We were hidden behind a tapestry before he immediately released me.
The sound of a large group of people shuffling past could be heard.
"My father told me that in a few years Hogwarts won't be allowing any type of Mudbloods at all."
"It's a shame that they were ever let in. Salazar Slytherin had his head on straight. The rest of them, especially Godric stupid Gryffindor…"
It didn't take a whole lot of inferences to figure out that they were Slytherins.
That realization shook me out of sentimental, pining, helpless state.
"What was wrong with you? Why the hell didn't you help your own brother?"
"I couldn't. Not with Snape there."
I shook my head, rejecting his justification. "Regulus, what is the point of your façade if you lose the very thing you are trying to protect?"
Regulus looked away, obviously in discomfort with my question.
I started to move away. My hand was about to push open the cupboard door when he suddenly blurted out, "How long have you loved him?"
I froze.
How long have you loved him?
"What? We have to hide?" I said, unable to keep the irritation from flooding my voice, "Are you still ashamed to be in my company, Severus?"
Severus sneered, "What about the people you're always with? The company you keep?"
"What about the company I keep?" I shot back. Deep down in my heart, I felt something crack. So he really had changed. And my chasing after him- my admitting that I still cared for him- would do nothing.
"Can you say they're any better people?"
"I can," I said angrily.
"Then you are in denial," Severus said coldly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I retorted.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Loved him? Loved who?" I tried to say, but the lie was so evident to my own ears.
In a quiet voice, barely audible, Regulus supplied an answer in the form of his elder brother's name, "Sirius."
I tried to laugh scornfully. "And how could you possibly know that I love S-him?"
To put his name besides the word "love" was bound to give me away.
Regulus returned my humorless laughed and replied, "Because it's the way you don't look at me."
"You prefer an arrogant spoiled brat, a pathetic cowardly, a hot-headed traitorous murderer-"
"Murderer?"
"Sirius Black tried to kill me! He's capable of murder!"
"How does that make you any better than him, Severus? Can you honestly say you're not capable of it? When it's so obvious that you're so eager to become a Death Eater and can't wait to join You-Know-Who?"
Severus' face was unnaturally pale, and his lips barely moved as he ignored me and continued, "But that's not all, you're also friends with a filthy werewolf. With your lack of standards, you think you have the right to speak ill of my friends?"
"Your friends," I snorted, "More like your-"
Suddenly, I stopped.
"Did you say 'werewolf'?"
Severus replied in a clipped voice, "I told you before. You called it 'my theory'. Your friendship with that monster blinds you to the truth of what he is."
"And your hatred of him blinds you! His illnesses could mean a hell of a lot of different things, Severus."
"That could mean a hell of a lot of things, Regu-"
"But it's the way I wish you did."
The words sank into my mind very slowly.
Like a star that had fallen into the ocean, very slowly did it drift to the depths of the ocean, and forever did it wish to return to the call of the moon.
But once it touched the ocean floor, there was no returning.
I slowly drew my eyes up to him.
He was looking away from me and there was a repressed agony in his face.
"You're wrong, Remus isn't a-" But I was brought to a halt by my own thoughts this time.
Suddenly, the events of last night recurred to me in a new light. In the moonlight, as it were, of a full moon.
That terrifying wolf.
And the reason why James had shown such unnatural compassion to such a hideous creature, stopping Hagrid from unleashing his crossbow on him.
I stepped back, trembling.
"Now do you believe me?" Severus said, and I caught a hint of relief in his voice.
"So now you admit I speak the truth?" Regulus said.
Something cracked deep down in my heart.
"Regulus," I began, but he closed his eyes and cut me off in a low, tight, voice, "I'm not asking for an explanation. I don't need one. I'm fully aware that it's much easier to love someone like him than me. I've heard the reasons why over and over again all my life. The last person I want to hear it from is you."
"That's not true!" I tried to say, but my voice wouldn't leave my heart. Because I knew what he was feeling. I, too, had felt it all my life. That I would never be good enough. That in trying to be noble in my own way, I became distant from everybody else. It hurt to be treated like that. But never in my life had I imagined that I would be the one inflicting such cruel pain on somebody I cared very much for. And because I knew what he was feeling, because I'd been there, and was still there, I also knew this wasn't something words could prevent or heal.
"But I thought you were different," Regulus said, and his voice was a broken whisper, a shattered voice, a hurt, pitiful voice.
"You were supposed to be different."
A hard lump rose in my throat. I felt myself trembling, but this time, it wasn't because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. It was because I was afraid I'd hurt him.
No, I thought, no. This was supposed be a burden only I alone would carry. He wasn't supposed to know. This wasn't ever supposed to hurt him, to even touch him. That I loved him, but loved someone else as well… god damn it, he isn't supposed to know! He isn't supposed to be hurt by my hypocrisy, by me! Could I but choose my own feelings… The is the worst kind-of helplessness.
And I felt again, that feeling that I had felt all my life, that feeling that was home to me: the feeling of being disappointing, not ever enough. Only this time, it was that much more damaging.
But I only looked upon him even more coldly and said in a low, tight voice, "So what? So what if he's a werewolf? That only makes him braver than you or your so-called friends will ever be. Don't think even for an instant that I am like you, Severus. I won't desert my friends for being what they can't help themselves from being. Or I suppose, the only terms you would understand it in is this: I'm a lowly Mudblood with no right to refuse the friendship of even a werewolf. In fact, I treasure that friendship more than I treasure anything I ever had with you."
He recoiled as if I had physically slapped him. But I was beyond pity, beyond forgiveness.
"Let me just ask you one more thing, Severus. That time James Potter gave me those roses- were you the one who bewitched them to spray water on me?"
Severus blinked.
And in those eyes I have once known so well, I saw my answer.
I pushed open the door and stomped out, leaving him standing there, in shadow.
All I could offer, the only thing I could say that was true was...
"I'm sorry," I whispered, and then before the tears could betray the true depths of my apology, I frantically pushed open the door and left him, standing there, in shadow.
