Raylynx's POV
I put the last of the wands back into their places and then got up on my feet, dusting off my hands. The clock struck six in the evening.
"Anything else, Mr. Ollivander?"
"That will do. You are free to go."
I nodded and started to pull on my cloak when Mr. Ollivander said, "Remember, next week we're crafting new wands. We're running low on vine woods, especially."
"I'll be ready," I promised and then stepped out of the shop, softly closing the door behind me.
The deeply golden late afternoon rays of a summer sun struck warmly on my face. A soft breeze played upon the air, refreshing and light.
I lingered there for a long moment, reluctant to leave. Then, I turned and Apparated.
I found myself standing on a familiar lawn, looking fondly at the white house with dark green ivy and yellow blossoms encircling the golden windows.
I knocked on the front door. It was promptly opened by Dusky.
"Miss Kingsley! Welcome, welcome!"
"Hello, Dusky." I smiled down at the elf.
"Master James is just in the kitchen," she said and started to lead the way.
"It's all right, Dusky. I know the way," I said. "You should make sure Mr. and Mrs. Potter are comfortable. They're leaving in a few days, aren't they?"
"Yes, miss." Dusky hurried off upstairs.
I set off down the short hallway when I heard two voices from the kitchen. They weren't exactly arguing but they were definitely trading words.
"I'm telling you I know that. I've been speaking to him about it over and over again, but he's not listening."
"Well, we're going to have to persuade him somehow. It's ridiculous for two grown men to be living in that tiny run-down apartment."
"He doesn't want our interference, Lily. You know he has a problem when it comes to accepting help-"
"I don't care. That's not going to get in my way of doing what's most reasonable and what's best for him. I'm not going to let him neglect himself like that. He deserves better."
"Yeah, he does deserve better. He always does."
I stepped into the kitchen.
"Raylynx!" Lily got up from the kitchen able to embrace me. From the table, James smiled at me. His hair was as messy as ever, but the eyes behind his glasses seemed far more tired.
"Come sit with us, Ray. There's some butterbeer in the pantry, if you want," James offered.
I joined them at the table.
"Were you speaking about Lupin?" I asked.
"Yeah." James sighed and ran a hand through his hair absent-mindedly. "It's not a big issue or anything, but…"
"Remus and Sirius are both living in Sirius' one-room apartment right now. They're absolutely cramped, but Remus wouldn't accept financial help nor does he want to come and stay here. Since I'm moving in when Mr. and Mrs. Potter leave, Remus thinks that he'll get in our way," Lily explained. Then she scoffed impatiently, "And since when was having a friend over being 'in the way'?
But I could see Lupin's point. Living with an obviously soon-to-be couple could be awkward for anyone and Remus, being as shy as he was, would especially dislike such a situation.
"So they're living together right now, Remus and Sirius?"
"Yes. They have to, unless Remus wants to live in the streets," Lily replied, irately.
"Why's Remus having such trouble with money?" I asked.
Lily stiffened and I quickly clarified, "Doesn't he have any family to turn to?"
"Well, Moony doesn't contact his parents if he can avoid it. It's not that they're on bad terms. It's just…" James shrugged.
I looked at Lily. She had been afraid that I was asking why he couldn't get a job. That, of course, was obvious. It was because he was a werewolf. No matter how smart he was, and he was, and no matter how wonderful he was, and he was, nobody would willingly hire him except for the lowliest of jobs. His education at Hogwarts… amounted to nothing.
Then, an idea bloomed in my head. "Wait a minute. Couldn't he come stay at my place?"
Lily and James both looked at me with surprised eyes.
"I mean, my parents' house passed down to me, and with Sola and Jamie gone, I've got more than enough rooms. I'm completely by myself, after all. Since the house was bought by my parents, I don't pay a monthly rent so he doesn't have to worry about that either. It's also a quarters for the Order, so I wouldn't mind the helping hand. He already comes over on Fridays for night shifts." I shrugged. "Just a thought, but I really wouldn't mind."
Once they got over their astonishment, I could see them both thinking it through in their heads.
"Well, I suppose that would work," James said carefully.
"I'll ask when I see him tonight. Speaking of, I've got to get going." I got up from the table.
"Ray, wait." Lily said hesitantly. "Raylynx, Remus is… That is, there's something you might not realize about him."
"It's all right," James said, placing a hand on her arm. "Just let us know what he says when you ask, all right?"
I nodded. "See you later then."
But before I left the neighborhood, I walked down the familiar streets to the cemetery.
Why had Aberforth been here that summer? Who had he been visiting?
I hesitated. It was a very large cemetery and there was only a slight chance that the person actually had the surname of "Dumbledore". It could be any one of these tombstones.
But still, I had wanted to check ever since I'd met Aberforth at the Hog's Head this past year.
"Truth is, when you're younger, nobody believes family can break apart. Nobody imagines that. But things… things happen," he finished, rather lamely.
"But you can fix things, can't you? As long as you're alive and he's alive…"
But the barman shook his head, "Yeah, but she ain't."
"She?" I asked curiously.
I walked amongst the tombstones, wondering what I was even looking for.
I had looked for a long time and was in a kind-of mindless daze due to the strong rays of the setting sun when suddenly- I saw it.
Kendra Dumbledore.
I blinked and moved closer.
To my surprise, there were two names on the tombstone.
Underneath Kendra Dumbledore and her dates of birth and death were the words: And her daughter Ariana.
There was a quotation: Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
What does that mean? Who are these women?
Aberforth had only mentioned one "she", not two, and yet…
Judging from Kendra Dumbledore's birth date, she had to have been the mother of the family. Then, Ariana was her daughter, and Albus and Aberforth's younger sister?
The long reaching shadows growing on grounds of the graveyard reminded me I had to make it back in time for my shift. Mind abuzz, I walked back to the entrance gate.
I trusted Dumbledore with my life and more importantly, with the lives of those I loved. Was I wrong to do so?
Lupin came right as the clock struck eight.
"Hello, Raylynx."
"Please, come on in."
He took off his jacket to reveal heavily bandaged arms.
I was just able to restrain myself from commenting, but I couldn't hide the concern that briefly flashed across my face.
"It's nothing," Lupin tried to smile. "Just an accident at work."
The full moon was two nights ago.
Instead, I asked, "Work? Where are you working right now?"
Lupin tried to shrug casually, but his eyes were downcast. "I've been cleaning Gringotts vaults, mostly. Most of the time, it's done by hand because the vaults are so sensitive to human magic. I also run errands for the Apothecary. Fetching ingredients and the like."
James' words flashed in my mind: He deserves better. He always does.
"Would you like some tea?" I offered, a bit abruptly.
"Only if it wouldn't be a bother."
"It won't. I was making some for myself anyways," I lied casually.
Lupin half-smiled. "Thank you, Raylynx."
I made two steaming mugs of tea and set them down.
We sipped quietly, the awkwardness quickly setting in. But my mind was busy searching for a way to ask him to come and live with me. I said hesitantly, "Lupin, isn't my house a bit out of your way?"
Lupin shrugged. "I don't mind having a night shift here instead of at the Prewitts'. I know they're closer, but they've already got both Fabien and Gideon every night. It's better if we're spread out like this, strategy-wise."
"I wasn't really…" I paused, then decided to change my tactic. "Well, strategy-wise, it's not very good to have me all by myself in the middle of nowhere, is it?"
"Not particularly, no. It's a good spot, though. The Order's lucky you live here. But it's a Muggle neighborhood, so naturally, you're the only one around here. You are very exposed."
"Yes, it would be nice to have somebody with me," I replied, trying to sound relaxed.
"Unfortunately, it's a bit impractical. You came here because your family used to live here, but no one else has connections like that here," Lupin said, sipping his tea.
"Why?" he asked. "Were you thinking of asking the Dearborns to make their home Order of the Phoenix quarters too? They're closest to you, aren't they?"
I hesitated. I held my mug between both my hands. "Actually, I was thinking of asking you to stay here."
Lupin's eyes widened slightly.
"Just until you find a place of your own," I clarified hastily.
"Ah, I see. So James and Lily spoke with you about this." He looked away from me.
"No, that's not it," I said. "They told me about your current living situation, but they wanted you to stay at Godric's Hallow. My offer is purely my idea. They didn't ask me to do this."
It's not pity, Lupin. But I couldn't go as so far as to say those words. I clamped my mouth shut.
Lupin was silent for a moment, but then he said quietly, "I appreciate the offer, but I'll have to decline."
"Why? Didn't we just say it'd be more practical if the Order had more members here?"
"It's not about the Order, Raylynx. It's impractical for you if I stay here."
"I don't think so," I countered lightly, but Lupin didn't answer for a long while.
Remus' POV
How can I refuse her offer without offending her but also without having to admit… what I am?
Finally, I said heavily, "Do you remember that night in the hallway? I was restraining you from going after James when you felt that something was off. You felt that I'm different."
I could see a flash of memory in her eyes, and I knew that she remembered.
There had been fear on both sides. She had been afraid that she was going to be hurt by me… devoured by me. And I had been terrified of the werewolf within me- no, the werewolf that was me, the me that wanted to hurt her, infect her, devour her…
"You must think that I'm so strange," I managed to say.
I anxiously waited for her response, unable to quite meet her eyes.
"You're not strange, Lupin," Raylynx murmured.
"Really?" I said, trying to keep my voice light. "Then why do you still call me by my surname?"
"I could call you Moony, if you like," Raylynx answered, and I could hear a slight smile in her voice. If I was sure she was teasing, I might smile too, but of course, this answer sounded so ominous to me. What did that mean? Was she telling me that she knew about my being a werewolf? But that was impossible. Right?
Heart positively thundering, I said more solemnly, "I'm serious."
"No, you're Lupin," Raylynx retorted and this time, I could definitely hear the smile in her voice.
I wanted to laugh with her more than anything, but I just couldn't be sure.
"Please answer the question, Raylynx," I nearly begged her, but it came out sounding stern.
There was just a half-second of silence, but for me, it stretched on longer than eternity.
Finally, she gave her answer, "Because it would be dishonest to pretend like I know you."
That answer is just as elusive as the last time you answered this question… when we were both hunched in the corridor and I was trying to stop James and Sirius from pranking Snape. Could it be that you know? No, impossible.
"Raylynx, if you knew more about me, about who I am," I said, choking past the words "what I am", "you wouldn't want me to stay at your house.
"That's not true," Raylynx replied. "I've told you before- you're too good for me, Lupin."
What is prompting her to say this?
I tried to read her eyes, but I found that I couldn't tell anything about what she was thinking. I was suddenly tempted to tell her the truth, to shock her with the hideous truth, so that she could stop this "too good for me" lies.
As it were, I think she glimpsed the sudden flash of rage that passed through me and I'm sure she could tell that it was with gritted teeth that I responded to her, "Raylynx, you have to stop believing that I'm too good for you. You have to realize that I'm not good for anyone, let alone too good for you. Please stop saying that."
Raylynx was looking at me intensely, more intensely than I could bear. What could she possibly be thinking? If she kept going on like this, I might break down and tell her the truth, just to break this terrible delusion she had of me. If she knew, if she really knew what I was… I felt myself becoming defensive, preempting her rejection.
"Raylynx Kingsley! Do you know how to open a damn door?!"
We both started. A confused look came over Raylynx's face as she rushed to the front door.
I would have liked to have been right behind her, but I didn't think I could stand at this very moment.
Raylynx wasn't Lily, wasn't James, wasn't Sirius, wasn't Peter, and wasn't Dumbledore. The one thing I knew for certain about her was that she had a strong sense of self-preservation. The way in which she overcame the TriWizard Tournament and the encounter in the Shrieking Shack, the way she wrenched herself away from me, and the way she had come so far carrying her family on her back all showed that. So I could never depend on her to accept me as something that so obviously went against the survival of a human being. I knew she would not accept me as a werewolf. And yet, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling that she already knew.
"-you, Marlene. But why are you here anyways?"
I looked up to see Marlene striding into the kitchen.
I grimaced.
I took off my jacket in front of Raylynx because if we're going to have to do this weekly, she might as well get used to seeing me all bandaged up. After all, I can't wear my jacket every Friday night. She'll notice sooner or later. But Marlene…
I gripped my mug tighter. Why is everybody finding out about me? Why does everybody have to know how hideous I am?
"Fridays are my days off, remember?" Marlene was saying to Raylynx. "I visited Lily last week and Dorcas the week before. Alice won't be free for another week because of her training, so I figured it was the perfect time to come visit you. Surprise!"
Raylynx shook her head, but she was smiling. When her eyes fell on me though, her smile faded.
"Hey, Remmy," Marlene chirped, "What's up? Didn't know you were here too…" Her voice trailed off and then she said excitedly, "Wait a second. Did I just interrupt something? Is that why you were so upset to see me, Rayly?"
Raylynx groaned. "No, you idiot. Lupin has night shifts for the Order here on Fridays. Or did you already forget the Order existed just because it's your day off?"
Marlene laughed. "Oh, right. Okay." Then she grimaced. "Ugh. You guys are lucky. I've got night shifts with Dedalus, that annoying pipsqueak and Elphias, the old prat who practically worships Dumbledore. I do see Lily on Mondays and Wednesdays, though, so that's a relief."
She sat down at the table. Silence slowly filled the kitchen.
"You sure you guys weren't having a lover's spat in here or something?" Marlene chimed in again. "The mood sure is dead."
I tried to smile and poured Marlene a cup of tea to avoid her gaze. Remus gave a forced laugh.
Marlene stayed for a long time, even longer than the shift. I wasn't sure if it irritated or relieved me more. Finally, I got up to go, pulling on my jacket.
"Hey, what happened to your arms?" Marlene asked me. "I noticed when I came in…"
"From work," Raylynx cut in. She turned to me. "Are you leaving? I'll see you out."
I could feel Marlene's keen eyes on us as we left the kitchen, but Raylynx was only looking at me.
"I'll send the Patronus to Dumbledore," Raylynx said, "So he knows its all clear. But I'm serious about before. If you want to, come live here."
"I don't think I can do that," I answered quickly, my voice betraying my nervousness.
She didn't say anything. She didn't ask me why.
"Unless…" I said in a strangely strangled voice. My throat was closing in on itself. "Unless… you already know?"
Our eyes met. She had that intense gaze again. She knows.
I swallowed hard, heart pounding. She knows.
Her mouth opened. "I…"
"Are you two kissing or what!?"
As soon as I staggered into the flat, I collapsed on the sagging couch.
I heard footsteps coming from the shower as I buried my face in the pillow.
"Thought I heard you, Moony."
I didn't respond.
"Moony? You all right?"
My mind and stomach felt all tangled up in knots.
"Mooooony?! Hey, look at me."
A strong hand grabbed my arm and started to pull me up.
A flash of pain snapped through my arm.
"Don't!"
I got up quickly.
"Oh, you're hurt! Shit, I forgot because you still have your jacket on. Sorry, Moony." Sirius stood in front of me nervously. He'd just come out of the shower, hair wet and shirtless. There was a towel around his neck.
"It's okay."
"Moony. What the hell's going on?"
I shook my head and stared at the floor moodily. "I don't think I can do this anymore. I think I've got to tell everybody or else leave the Order. I can't stand this anxiety about every person knowing or not knowing…"
"Every person? What…?"
I looked up at Sirius. "Padfoot, I think she knows."
"Who?"
"Raylynx."
"Kingsley? You think she knows what?"
"That I'm… That I'm… Moony," I whispered.
"Is that so bad?" Sirius asked me.
I stared at him, shocked. "Of course it is!"
"Wait," I said, suddenly realizing what Sirius' words had been, "Are you telling me she kno-?"
A towel suddenly obscured my vision.
"Just don't, Moony," Sirius said. "Don't do that to yourself."
Raylynx's POV
"You. I need a word with you."
As soon as I opened the door, I saw a pissed Sirius Black standing in front of me.
It was Saturday night, so he was my shift partner.
As if I didn't know that… As if that didn't bother me all day…
But why would he need a word with me? This must be about Lupin…
"How's Moony?" I asked him, half-cowering as I was afraid of his answer.
Sirius gave a frustrated sigh. "How could you do that to him? What the hell is wrong with you, Kingsley?"
"I'm sorry," I said, and I meant it. It was just that… It was just that I didn't want to tell Lupin that I knew… I didn't want it to matter that I knew about it or not. I wanted him, above anything else, to realize that what I considered him most of all was Remus Lupin, a friend who I owed my life to, a boy who smelled of the loveliest and most comforting things in the world: tea, morning air, good literature, and chocolate. And this didn't have to contrast with his werewolf part for it to have meaning. Remus Lupin was worthy, all of him, right down to his savage werewolf self, and I wanted him to know that. But maybe it wasn't important what I wanted him to know… Maybe that was just selfish of me.
"He's really distraught. And you left me in a hell of a position too! What was I supposed to say, huh, when he asked me if you knew?"
"What did you say?"
"That I wasn't sure, but even if you did know, it wouldn't change the way you saw him."
Oh, but it does. It makes me see him for the better…
Sirius sat down on the couch away from the kitchen table. "Well, you're dealing with the mess you made with Moony. You owe him his peace of mind, at least."
"I know," I replied. "I'll do that, I promise."
"Well, wake me up when the shift's over," he muttered and he fell sideways on the couch.
"You're sleeping? What if we're called for?"
"Don't worry. My reaction time after just waking up is still much faster than people functioning at their full capacities. Especially those dumb ass Death Eaters."
I held back a snort. Arrogant as ever.
When two o'clock came, I conjured the Patronus to send to Dumbledore reporting the all clear. Then, I turned to Sirius. Half of me was irritated that he'd seriously slept through the whole shift, but the other half of me realized that as a full-time Order of the Phoenix member, he probably spent the whole day trying not to get killed.
I looked at him, sleeping soundly on the couch, his arms crossed over his chest.
Handsome as ever, too, I guess. Maybe even more mature… You actually have a legitimate excuse for shaving now, I bet.
I held back a laugh.
But I have long ago decided that you are not for me.
"Sirius. Sirius."
He stirred in his sleep.
"Sirius, shift's over."
He got up groggily.
"Shift's over?"
"Yeah," I said. "Go home. Oh, and take me with you."
"What?" His eyes snapped awake. "Come again?"
"I have a mess to clean up, remember? I need to speak with Lupin."
"Moony! Someone's here for you."
"What? At this hour? Did something happen?"
"Nah. Nothing like that."
"Sorry to bother you," I said, stepping in behind Sirius.
"Raylynx."
"Lupin…" I took a deep breath and said, "Remus."
I found myself hesitating again.
Will he be angry? Will he reject me? No, it doesn't matter. My feelings aren't important right now. Sirius is right, I owe him the truth.
Slowly, I confessed, "I know that sometimes you become a wolf."
Remus' eyes slowly widened and panic began to take over his features.
"You…" he whispered hoarsely, prying his jaws apart to speak at all, "You know…?"
I nodded slowly.
"And that's all right to you, is it?"
I'd never heard Remus speak so sarcastically before. His words were taunting, biting.
"It's all right," I said, trying to keep the atmosphere calm, but instead of calming down, Remus began to grow more ferocious.
"You can say that, but anybody can say that! You can't possibly believe it, though, you just can't," Remus replied, his voice alternating between complete nervousness and fierce anger, "Even my parents. Raylynx, I don't need you to lie for my sake! I'm not weak!"
Sirius started to grip Remus' shoulder to calm him, but I shot him a look that clearly told him to stay still.
"No. I know better than anyone that you're not weak, " I said, but Remus cut me off and spat out, "Liar." It almost hurt me how hard he threw that word at me. But my feelings aren't important. It's you, Remus, that's important to me.
"No," I said again, this time more firmly.
"And you always knew, didn't you? So inviting me to come live with you, it was because you knew why I was struggling financially and you decided to take pity on me, right? Because I'm weak? Because I'm barely functioning?"
It was terrible, the flood of suspicion and insecurities that rushed out of the one of the kindest people I knew. It wracked his whole mind and body, these tormenting thoughts that were always, always torturing him, telling him he wasn't ever good enough, never worthy of what he really deserved…
You're suffering, Remus. Your whole life… and now… you're hurting.
"That's not it!" I said, trying to keep from shouting. Keep it together, Raylynx. Keep it together. But I couldn't help myself. "Listen, those may be the accusations you throw at yourself, but they are not the truths I see in you…" I couldn't help myself, and my voice rose as I continued, "So don't you dare go putting those words in my mouth like I said them!"
Shit, no. What am I saying? I shouldn't be losing my temper like this.
I immediately bit down on my lower lip, but I was afraid the damage had already been done.
I looked abashedly at Remus. His face seemed horrified, stunned.
"I could kill you," he whispered.
Unable to think of a good enough apology, I resorted to dry sarcasm. "Brilliant," I commented, then groaned internally.
I went crazy in my mind, trying to conjure up a sincere apology, only to suddenly see a pale smile break across his face. Relief swept through me like an ocean breeze.
"Raylynx…" he said weakly.
"Moony?" I returned lightly.
There was only a calm silence.
Behind him, Sirius let out a silent sigh of relief.
"Great. Now you can get out of my house and I can actually stretch out my legs for once," Sirius said jokingly, shattering the careful mood. But even as he said this, he grabbed Remus in a chokehold and furiously messed up his hair.
When he let Remus go, dazed and confused, I had to laugh at how he looked sporting his new hairstyle.
"Well, come over whenever you'd like," I said, and smiled softly before I turned and left.
I flicked on the lights.
This was my parents' old room.
I hadn't touched it since they'd passed away.
But it seemed wrong to clean out Jamie or Sola's old rooms, since they were both still alive. I'd stayed in my old room. There was the guest room, of course, but to live there for an extended period of time seemed a bit depressing.
My mum's perfume scent… It had very nearly faded away completely and yet… it lingered. Like my memory of them, they were never within reach, yet they were everywhere.
Longing rose up within me. I swallowed hard.
This is going to be a long day.
"So Remus is going to stay with you?" Alice asked.
We were both on guard duty, sitting at my table.
Alice had endless papers regarding her Auror duties in front of her. She was to undergo the examination tomorrow night. I also had a large stack of handwritten notes in front of me, regarding wand crafting. I was to help Ollivander select wand woods tomorrow and the day after that, wand cores. After spending a few days purifying and polishing the materials, we would construct a few wands on Friday and carry on throughout next week.
"If he wants to," I told her. "I've offered. It's up to him, now."
Alice nodded. "It's a good idea, though. I hate the thought of you in this house all alone, especially because you're quarters for the Order. It's dangerous. What if the Death Eaters were to track down this house?"
"Yeah, that's true, I guess. But the main reason why I'm asking is because I want Remus to be comfortable. Lily and James were right. The room he and Sirius are sharing is a tiny space for the both of them."
Alice smiled. "You're finally calling him by his first name."
"Yeah." That's right. I can call you Remus now.
