Sirius' POV

James, Peter, and I were sitting in my flat. We were drinking together, though not heavily. We hadn't been truly drunk in a long time because we never knew when the Order might need us.

"Where were you this morning?" Peter asked me. "I came by this morning, but you weren't around."

"Oh, yeah, I…" My voice trailed off as I could give no answer. I finally shrugged. "Just felt like walking, that's all."

"Be careful about that, Pads. There's for sure a traitor in our midst." James sounded as serious as I'd ever heard him. "Don't want to give people reason to suspect, you know?"

"I know," I said, and took a swig from my bottle.

"We've got to figure out who it is or we're going to start losing people," James said heavily.

"Dumbledore has started changing passwords," Peter said thoughtfully. "As a precaution."

"Passwords won't do the trick," I remarked gloomily. "It takes people to hold an organization like this together. And for an organization as isolated as ours, people have to believe in each other."

I knew that what I said was patently true. We were already fighting a losing battle. The old pureblood families have all of the political power and the wealth, so they're blocking the important news at every turn. The public is tricked into thinking that the Ministry is onto them, but in truth, the only news the Ministry ever prints is exactly the type of attention that the Death Eaters want to get. And we're always reacting, always on the defense because we're trying to protect people, and not only is that exceedingly difficult, but it becomes an information war, which made the issue of spy supremely troublesome. In such a climate, if everyone in the Order started to suspect each other, we were done for.

Peter was fidgeting a little in his seat.

James looked at him and said, "What's up, Worm?"

Peter responded slowly, "I was on guard duty the other night with Mad-Eye and Dedalus. They were trying to figure out who might be the spy, and Remus' name came up."

James' grip on his bottle tightened. "He wouldn't," James said firmly. "Not Remus, never."

I nodded my agreement.

"Then who do you think it is?" Peter asked us.

James shook his head. "I don't know," he said morosely. "Truth is, I haven't been scrutinizing anybody. I was too busy taking comfort in the fact that I was surrounded by friends."

He paused and then added, "It's just hard to try to imagine that one of us is a spy. I saw everybody as family."

Neither Peter nor I responded, as it was not in either of our natures to be as trusting as James. Of the four of us, James was by far the most trusting. Peter was not a natural leader, so he often had to use his head to fend for him or get what he wanted. Remus was a werewolf and always (justifiably, I must admit) paranoid that somebody was going to find out. And I had grown up in a madhouse and seen more close-up than anyone, how those in power used rhetoric and false glittering veneer to mask horrifying truths.

James saw the skeptical looks on Peter's and my faces. He chuckled humorlessly and said, "I'm always the naïve one, aren't I? It'll kill me someday."

Peter glanced over at me. "What about you, Padfoot? I know you mentioned Raylynx once."

James looked at me in surprise. "You did?"

"Yeah," I said, staring down at my bottle. "During the mission with the sirens, she took so long to help us that it almost killed Marlene. It was a clear-cut situation where we were losing and she hesitated."

James frowned. I could tell he wanted to reject that idea. So did I, but when it came down to it, a spy was a spy and we needed to keep the Order alive. That meant that any hunch or suspicion could not be ignored -even if it was about Raylynx, or Remus, or even me. Though it killed me to admit it, I would understand if someone chose not to trust me in these circumstances. As it was, I knew full well that Dumbledore didn't trust me, had never trusted me ever since that incident with Snape.

"Pads, isn't it time for your shift at Ray's?" James asked me, and I threw a look at my watch. "Yeah, I guess it is," I replied. "Better go."

We all got up from our seats.

As we pulled on our cloaks, James asked me, "Are you coming around tonight?"

I shook my head. "No, it's been a bit of a rough week. I need to come back and sleep it off."

James nodded. "All right. Take care of yourself, Pads."

Then, he and Peter Disapparated.


Raylynx's POV

I was back to fixing up the motorcycle. It helped me to keep my mind off of Remus' absence, and it also helped me to steel myself for Sirius' arrival. I wasn't just going to let it go this time- that Sirius had shouted at me like that after the sirens' mission or that Sirius still called me by my last name. To be completely honest, it was hard to stand up to him because his actions, taken individually, were not problematic. Sirius had been right about the fact that I had made a huge mistake during our mission in the sirens' cave. And getting angry over his calling me by my last name seemed like such a childish thing to be angry about. But for goodness' sake, how many years had we known each other now? And did he have to shout at me like that in front of Remus and Peter about the mission? It was the general attitude he had towards me. I acknowledged that over the years, he had shown me kindness on many occasions. He had protected me from that horrible Slytherin attack in our sixth year, shielding me at the expense of his own body. He had helped me during the TriWizard Tournament, by screaming at me like a lunatic in the stands to get myself together. He had knitted that scarf for me when he thought I was upset about him losing it. He had given me his jacket when he thought I was cold. And when the bridge had exploded the other day, he'd reached out and grabbed me to make sure I was shielded from the blow. He didn't say anything afterwards when I'd shown him that his grey blazer that I'd worn had been torn to smithereens, either. He'd just shrugged and said, "Well, I guess Prongs will have a naked man in all his wedding photographs." And for some reason, he was very compassionate towards me in his dog form (I completely agreed with James' suggestion that Sirius make the change to Padfoot permanent.) And for all of these things, I was very grateful to him. But the point was that under normal circumstances, he was rather dismissive of me, almost to the point that it felt cruel. I'd always let it go because Sirius was so moody, brash, and hard-to-read that is sometimes frightened me. There were parts of him that I simply didn't know about, as had been the case with Regulus, and I was afraid I'd set him off again. I had my own insecurities as well, of course, and deep down in my heart, I believed and still believed that Sirius found it easy to be dismissive of me because I didn't come off as charismatic or outstanding as most of our friends. And then, frankly, I had never stood up to him because I'd had feelings for him. What girl wants to confront their crush by listing all of the petty things they found hurtful? Liking him also made things complicated because I wasn't sure if what I was reacting to Sirius because he really was being overly dismissive of me, or because even though he was just acting like his normal self, I felt hurt because I wanted him to pay more attention to me than someone else. But I decided, in my heart, that I needed to practice trusting in myself, and so I shoved all of these doubts and self-justifications away. I had to spend a lot of time with Sirius doing Order work, and this was something that I had to resolve for myself. So, if Sirius was going to try to treat me as he had at Hogwarts or after the siren mission, I wasn't going to stand for it anymore.

I resolved myself to be stern, but when I glanced at the clock on the wall, I realized that he was late. Five minutes ticked by, then ten, and then fifteen. I bit my lip and got up, wiping my dirty hands on my jeans. I walked up to the living room and kitchen, but all was silent. Has something happened to him? I slowly made my way back down to the garage, but my mind was restless with worry. I sat down besides the bike and thought of what to do. I was about a second away from sending a Patronus to Lily and James when I heard the front door open. Because of the password system the Order had set up around my house, I knew that it could only be Sirius or another Order member. I was just about to get up when I heard a voice at the garage entryway.

"Kingsley."

Only one person still called me that. Upon hearing his voice, all of my worry melted away, replaced by anger because he was late and greeting me by my last name. I grit my teeth and made no move, except to reach over and grab the screwdriver.

I heard Sirius sigh behind me. "Look," he said, "I know we're not fully settled on our score- that you're still mad at me for yelling at you. But given the fact that we nearly died together last week and that we're stuck in here for guard duty as it is, I think we can manage being fake friends, all right?"

Was that supposed to be an apology? I snorted to myself. I turned around to glare at him, but he didn't seem to notice. Instead, Sirius held up a bag he'd brought and said, "I brought alcohol. It's the good stuff, too."

"We happen to be on duty," I retorted, none too kindly. I didn't point out that I didn't know what he meant by "the good stuff" since I hardly ever drank.

"Yeah, I know," Sirius replied. "Don't remember the last time we weren't."

I faltered a bit at this, but I kept my mouth shut as I got up and passed him at the garage doorway. I went to the kitchen and washed my hands. Behind me, Sirius pulled out all his liquor and then threw a somewhat familiar pile of cloth onto the table. When I turned around after wiping my hands on a towel, I saw it on the table and recognized it immediately.

Surprised, I dropped the towel on the table and picked up my brother's scarf.

Surprised, I asked him, "Where did you get this from?"

"You gave it to m- Padfoot, remember?" Sirius sighed out an explanation, sitting down in a chair.

"You found it?" I said, confused. "Where?"

Sirius poured out two shots of concentrated firewhiskey and slid one over to me.

"My house," he replied, and then downed his shot in one. He swallowed and let out a breath before immediately pouring himself another one.

"Your house?" I said, raising my eyebrow skeptically. "You mean this was in your flat the whole time?"

"Not my flat, no," Sirius replied, and his voice was strangely subdued as he answered.

"You have another house?" I said, my confusion growing.

Sirius didn't reply. Instead, he opted for a second shot.

Then, I realized what house he could possibly have.

"You went back," I guessed, "to your childhood home."

Sirius continued to remain silent, but the way he threw back his third shot of whiskey was affirmation enough.

"Why?" I asked, sitting down beside him. I'd quite forgotten that I was supposed to be steely with him, that I had planned to pit my silence against him tonight.

"Well, because it's mine now," Sirius muttered vaguely, pouring out another shot.

I grabbed his arm and said, "Slow down, you'll poison yourself." But he threw off my hand and downed the whiskey again.

I thought about what he said. "It's yours now?" I questioned, trying to make sense of what the bits of information he was giving me between shots. "You mean your parents gave it to you?" To be honest, I found this highly unlikely, but it was the only explanation, unless-

"My parents are dead, Kingsley." Sirius finally looked at me, his eyes acting as dark gates, refusing to allow me in any further than he commanded. "That psychotic maniac of a father died six months ago, and my hag of a mother died two days ago. I went this morning to confirm the deed. I had to make sure Bellatrix or some Death Eater doesn't get it."

I finally fell silent and simply watched him drink. Gradually, my gaze fell back to the table and I thoughtlessly began to tug and knead at my brother's scarf while I sat by Sirius. I did check that my wand was nearby and that we hadn't missed any alerts, but otherwise, I sat at that table beside Sirius, slightly uncomfortable as I watched him settle into a hazy stupor. I didn't know how to comfort him, or even if I should. Sirius' family was one of those topics that I struggled to comprehend, and I felt I had no right to comment it. I felt pity for him, but I knew by having been on the receiving end of it, that sometimes pity was the least helpful thing to convey. So, I just stayed beside him, concentrating on the vivid scarlet color of the scarf and how soft it still was, after all these years. And it occurred to me that the day I had wrapped this scarf around Padfoot, Padfoot had also just stayed beside me, and that had been as good a source of comfort as any.

A while later and somewhat deep into his drinking, he murmured, "Regulus was there."

My heart skipped a beat. So Regulus is still alive. He's not the Death Eater I struck with a curse in the sirens' cave, or at least, if he is, he survived it. Thank Merlin!

"I'm letting him stay there until he's able to get a place of his own," Sirius said. "I don't want him to have to stay with the Lestranges or Malfoys. I know he's already a Death Eater, but damn it all to hell if I can't slow down his initiation. So, I let him stay at Grimmauld Place."

He paused and then said grimly, "'Course, I can't tell the Order members that, can I? Not when everything's descending to chaos like this."

Cautiously, I asked, "Isn't Regulus at Hogwarts?"

"No. It turns out he'd spent the last two weeks by my mother's side, taking care of her." Sirius grimaced. "Bloody fool. As if he owes her anything. My mother was the one who corrupted him in the first place. Sometimes, I think the reason I turned out differently than Reg was because I was raised more by my father and Regulus was raised by that hag. My father was the craziest bastard you'd ever seen, but he'd have these moments where… where he didn't seem to like at all what he was doing. My father's madness was different from my mother's. My father was all rage, always flying out-of-control, so it was instinctive to reject him. My mother's madness was the devil's madness, just false enough to be insidious."

"But what would you know?" Sirius said quietly. "You grew up with Muggle parents, who loved you."

I wished he wouldn't say it like that, because once again, he was creating this vast ocean of irreconcilable difference between us. But yet again, he was right, and at the moment, I didn't have the heart to argue.

Then, for the first time, since he started drinking, Sirius turned to me. "Oh, here. I suppose you want more, don't you?" He paused when he realized my shot glass was still untouched, still full to brim from the first shot that he had progressed beyond many, many minutes ago.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked me. "You're supposed to be drinking. C'mon now."

I shook my head. "No," I responded. "One of us should be sober on guard duty."

Sirius' scrunched up his face a little and I could tell he was impatient with what a prude I sounded like.

He initially replied, "Suit yourself, I guess," but a minute later, he turned to me again and said pointedly, "You know, it doesn't hurt to try some."

"We're on duty," I protested again, but he cut me off.

"Yeah, and from the looks of it, we'll be on duty for the rest of our lives. We'll have to learn to balance at some point," he said loudly. "C'mon. Drink up!"

I sighed and glanced down at the shot glass filed with whiskey. I was a bit curious to taste it, as I'd only ever tasted expensive wine. I had never been curious enough to spend money on expensive hard liquor.

I suppose one shot won't hurt.

I picked it up and then downed it, throwing my head back.

The spiciness of the whiskey and the intense freshness of the practically pure alcohol burned in my throat. I choked.

Sirius shook his head. "You're hopeless," he said to me before he leaned over to pound my back.

I coughed weakly and sat back up. "That's awful," I commented.

Sirius snorted. "I can tell you've never gotten drunk on whiskey before."

I bristled a little at this and was able to think about a harsh retort when Sirius suddenly dropped his head on his arms and leaned his head on the table so that I could no longer see his face and fell forward onto the table.

"You know," he said, and his voice was far clearer than I would have expected, given the amount of alcohol he'd consumed on his own, "James lost two really amazing parents at once and he's keeping it together. It really shouldn't be any sort-of struggle to get over my parents' death. They weren't much at all to me, you know. They hated me, almost killed me on several occasions. And they separated Reg from me with their deranged views. I'll never forgive them. And not just them, but the lot of them: my psychotic cousins, my mad relatives, there are so many people in the world like them. Among them, of, I hated my parents most of all. But I still…"

His voice dropped and I barely heard him whisper, "I still feel like I might have lost something."

He sighed loudly and suddenly sat upright. Then, he looked at me.

His eyes widened, startled, and he asked me, "You're not crying?"

At his words, I was abruptly aware of the wetness in my eyes.

Sirius frowned. "Why're you crying? They're not your parents, thank Merlin."

Because… Because, Sirius, the tragedy of loss is that we miss what we never had. We miss the future we might have had with the people we lose. Even if you hated them, you must have always hoped, or at least believed in that small possibility that things would come together again, if you just worked hard enough. But now, there is no such possibility. They have gone to a place your intentions can no longer reach, no matter how hard you try. Regardless of whether one believes in heaven or hell or nirvana or nothingness, the universal inaccessibility of what lies beyond death deprives of hope, and the deprivation is so absolute and unyielding that the human heart can barely comprehend it, except in terms of utter grief.

I didn't know how to say this all to him. I could only blurt out, "It's okay to miss them, Sirius!" For some reason, my own words choked me and I couldn't say any more for fear I might really burst out crying.

A fold of fabric suddenly dropped over my face. Sirius had draped the scarf over my face and around my neck.

"Don't," Sirius said harshly, asking me in his undertone not to assume that his parents were in any way redemptive.

In a quieter voice, Sirius said, "Not all parents are as loving as yours and James'."

I didn't know what to say in response to that.

So, I did the only logical thing. With the scarf still hanging over my head, I commanded in an overly dictatorial tone, "Pour me another shot." If I hadn't had the scarf over my face, I might have seen him smile at my funny state. The only thing he could see was my arm sticking out from behind my scarf and a voice asking for a shot. But then, if I hadn't had the scarf over my face, he might not have smiled like that at all.


An hour later, I was as wasted as I had ever been. Consequently, in the whiskey-induced haze, I started to feel very sleepy.

Finally, when the bottle was about three-fourths gone, Sirius drank about quite of the remaining whiskey straight out of the bottle. He swished the remaining liquid in the bottle.

"There's only a little bit left. Honors?" he asked me, holding it out to me. He overestimated the distance between us, or underestimated the length of his arm, I don't know which, but he was basically pressing the bottle up to my lips.

I tried to grab the bottle by the neck both to take it and to stop it from actually hitting against my mouth, but the bottle neck was quite slender compared to its heavy bottom, and I nearly dropped it.

"Careful!" Sirius said, and hastily put his hand over mine in an attempt to grab the bottle. In his hurried attempt to grab the bottle, he had leaned forward abruptly and the chair he was sitting on jolted slightly. Instinctively, I put my other hand up to stop him and I ended up pressing my hand against his shoulder.

It was only a passing moment, and we were both focused on preventing not dropping the bottle or falling over, but for that fleeting instant, I felt the warmth of his hand on mine, and he was physically so close to me. However, in a flash, we had both leaned back in our chairs. I finished the bottle and set it down on the table. Feeling slightly flushed and not looking at Sirius, I decided I'd better finish the last minutes of our shift in the living room. I got up from the table, snatched my wand and my scarf, and dizzily made my way to the couch in the living room.

All right, we've just five minutes to go, I told myself, staring in a rather befuddled manner at the clock over the fireplace. I watched the seconds tick by. Four minutes, I thought tiredly. Three minutes... But my eyes were closed, and I was fast asleep.


Sirius's POV

I got up from the table. My head immediately started to spin.

Whoa.

I followed Raylynx into the living room, where I saw her curled up on her side on the couch, fast asleep. Her ever-so-important scarf was wrapped around her neck and she held onto it with both hands as she slept.

"So much for being on guard duty," I muttered under my breath. I wanted to get a small blaze going in the fireplace to keep the house warm, but I was a bit apprehensive that I might miss my mark and start a house fire in this state of mind. I managed to stumble into her room and pull off a blanket. As I did, a book that had been under the covers slipped off and dropped onto the floor. With ungraceful fingers, I picked it up and was placing it on the bedside table when I saw the photo on the cover. It's a picture of her parents, I recognized. My heart thumped, as the picture confirmed what I had guessed at tonight. I had been right to trust her enough to tell her about my parents' death and my inheritance. I hadn't been able to tell the other Marauders about it; Remus was away, Peter was always quick to suspect, and James felt a duty to tell Dumbledore everything. And to everyone else who did not know me, my parents' death only brought up the suspicious topic of my Death Eater heritage.

But the gloom of my parents' death and of seeing Regulus again (When we'd met at Grimmauld Place to confirm my inheritance, he'd said bitterly, "So, this is what you always wanted, isn't it? Now, you're free." I had fallen silent, unable to say the things I'd wanted, and also struggling to keep my anger at bay. Finally, I'd muttered, "You can stay here," before turning away like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs.) had been weighing on me so heavily that I knew I had to do something to release some of the tumultuous emotion I was feeling.

I nearly skipped guard duty tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to actually be that irresponsible. So, I made a compromise by coming to guard duty, but also bringing a bottle of expensive, high-alcohol whiskey. I hadn't meant to drink the whole thing, but I also knew my limits pretty well, and I knew I was capable of functioning or snapping out of it so long as I didn't drink beyond the bottle.

I did worry about telling Raylynx about my parents, and I originally planned to keep my mouth shut, but when she kept staying beside me, watching me a bit nervously as though I might drink myself dead over a single bottle of whiskey, I started to feel like I had to say something.

And then I remembered the way she had acted at James' parents' funeral. She had held him in the rain, her small figure holding up brilliantly as the tall, scrawny boy that was closer to me than my blood brother, clung on to her as the wave of grief swallowed him. And when James had noticed me and pulled me to them, I found that I felt a deep and tender protectiveness over both of them as the three of us, all orphans of the world in one sense or another, stood together.

Remembering that, I thought I'd take a chance on Raylynx and tell her what was haunting me. It was taking a leap of faith because in truth, I had never truly connected with Raylynx. She always seemed a little nervous, and her eyes always signaled uncertainty. In truth, it irritated me. What kind of life did she have that she could afford to doubt herself? It was a luxury that I had never been afforded and that, as with all things one cannot have as a child, I rejected it entirely as undesirable. That was I had never bothered to get to know Raylynx better. I'd never wanted to. All throughout Hogwarts, I hardly ever thought of her, even when she was living at James' house with me. I rather thought she preferred it that way, too, as any attempt at conversation between us ended with her telling me, in one way or another, that I didn't know her from Eve. At this point, I would just walk away, annoyed, as I didn't much care to know the difference between her and Eve. I would have, and still would, swear on my life a hundred times over that Raylynx Kingsley and I had nothing in common, except for the fact that both of our family stories were tinged with tragedy. Both of us, though we had never said it (although she had come close to saying it when she touched on the subject that we both had brothers), lived with some unexplainable, but deep guilt about what had happened to our families.

And seeing her photo album, hidden away under her covers, was proof that I had made the right decision.

For both of us, our loyalties were split. There was the Order, but there were also our past lives and the hurts we couldn't quite get over. The difference was that I was determined to hide that truth, and she was effortlessly honest about it.

In a messy, devil-may-care fashion, I pulled the blanket from her couch, dragged it along the floor to the couch and draped it over her. I gazed at her sleeping face for a moment. She had never been especially attractive to me, but then, she was not the same girl I had known before. And I was not the same as before, either. Please don't be the spy, I prayed mentally.

I shot a bleary look at the clock on the wall. Our shift had ended three minutes ago. I got up and walked back to the kitchen, where I threw away the empty whiskey bottle. I made my way to the hallway, where I tiredly pulled on my cloak. I sent Dumbledore a Patronus announcing the "all-clear" (though it took a couple of tries), and then I Apparated home and stumbled into bed.


Raylynx's POV

On Wednesday, Alice rushed into my house in tears.

I leapt to my feet. "Alice! What is it?"

"It's horrible," Alice said, wiping away the tears streaking down her face. " It's Dorcas and the others."

Ice flooded my veins, froze me in my spot. I could only manage to say weakly, "They're alive, aren't they? They must all be back by now."

Mercifully, Alice Alice nodded, and my blood began to thaw.

Alice explained, "They went to parley with the vampires. But as soon as they entered the Vampires Forest of Transylvania, Mad-Eye sensed them something was off. He made the others wait and went forth by himself. It turns out the Death Eaters had set up bombs everywhere as an ambush. Mad-Eye accidentally set one off and his- his leg got blown off."

"His leg- What?" I said, unsure if I heard Alice correctly. Or rather, I hoped I hadn't heard her correctly.

"His leg," Alice whispered. "It was blown off by the bombs."

I closed my eyes as a shudder of imagined pain and horror ran through me.

"Dorcas and the others got to him and managed to fend off the Death Eaters," Alice said. "They tried to stem the wound so that Mad-Eye wouldn't lose too much blood. They've only just arrived at Frank and my place, although Dorcas and Jay went straight to St. Mungo's."

"Frank and I are supposed to let the others on guard know," Alice explained. "Frank went to alert Caradoc and Benjy. I'm supposed to tell you and Lily. I thought I'd stop by yours first as I just wanted to- to compose myself before telling Lily and James."

I gently wrapped my arms around her. "At least Mad-Eye's alive," I murmured into her hair. "And he'll heal. Thank Merlin they were with him."

"I'm so grateful that Dorcas is all right," she whispered into my shoulder.

She took a deep breath and then stepped back.

I helped her smooth her hair. "You ready?" I asked.

"Yes," Alice replied. "Would you like to come with me to Lily and James'?"

I nodded, pulling on my cloak. As we stepped outside, I secured further protective charms on my house. Then, we Apparated to the Potters.


There was a full-out shouting match going on at James and Lily's.

Caradoc was yelling at the top of his lungs at James, Sirius, Marlene, and Lily. Frank was trying to calm him down, but he was unsuccessful.

James was standing in front of Caradoc with his hands out, trying to reason with him in a pleading tone. Marlene looked doubtful, and Lily upset. Sirius looked furious. He sat at the table with his arms tightly crossed and his fists clenched. His eyes were tight and he looked like he was about to lose his cool altogether. Behind him, Peter was wringing his hands and glancing around nervously.

"Ever since that Lupin's gone off somewhere, we've been ambushed left and right!" Caradoc was shouting.

"Caradoc," Frank said in a pacifying tone, but Caradoc brushed him off.

"I'm just stating the goddamned facts," Caradoc said angrily. "And you lot are just sitting here defending him with no explanation as to where he's gone or what he's up to."

"We told you," Lily said, and her voice was tight with frustration. "Dumbledore sent him on a mission."

"Oh yeah, I've heard about this little mission," Caradoc snorted.

"Caradoc, please, it's not what you think," James said.

But Caradoc continued, "Don't think I haven't heard the rumors. There's plenty going around about his being a-"

"Shut up!" I snapped, stepping forward. "Caradoc, you don't know what you're talking about."

Caradoc's eyes narrowed on me. "Don't think you're not being talked about either, Missy," he said. "You're in danger by association-"

"That's enough!" Lily said angrily.

"Caradoc, we know you're worried," Frank said, impressively calm. "We all are, especially after what happened to Moody. But that's no excuse to go around pointing fingers at everyone. We need to stay calm. Think about it. If the traitor knew we were already in an uproar, he'd be pleased with himself, wouldn't he? We're better than this."

Caradoc glared at me, and then James, and finally stomped out.

"Sorry about that," Frank said, apologizing on Caradoc's behalf. "He's just riled up. Caradoc's been friends with Moody for a long time. Seeing Moody like that made him upset and scared."

"We all are," Lily said shortly, still angry. "Tell him not to come if all he wants to do is upset everyone for no reason."

"Lily…" Alice said hesitantly, but Frank shook his head. "No, I understand Lily's feelings," Frank said. "She's right. I'll come back later, when things have settled a bit." He came over and kissed Alice and murmured, "I'll see you back home," before he left.

James heaved a sigh before he fell back into a chair. He put his fingers to his temples and murmured, "This is bad. Really bad. If people are suspecting Remus now, it makes things difficult. I mean, he's right in the middle of an undercover mission. We may not be able to think of a good enough alibi."

"What is it exactly that people are suspecting about Remus?" Marlene asked abruptly. "I've never heard about this rumor Caradoc mentioned. But you all seem to know- at least, Ray and James seem to know."

I stiffened. It wasn't my secret to tell.

James and I looked at each other. I shook my head slightly.

"We might as well say it," James said to me. "We need people who believe Remus."

"Don't," Sirius interjected. "Marlene and Alice are both purebloods. They might not take it well."

"You think…?" James started.

"Not take what well?" Marlene said crossly.

Alice was looking between Sirius, James, and me with wide eyes.

"Oh, don't be silly," Lily said impatiently. "They aren't like that at all. But you should hear it from Remus himself. He's the only one with the right to tell it."

Marlene opened her mouth again, but Lily glared at her and said, "Drop it, Marlene. We've had enough today."

A bitter silence ensued.

"I'll speak to Dumbledore about changing passwords tomorrow," James finally said, tiredly taking off his glasses. "I'm sure he'll have better ideas than we can conjure up. I'm going to bed."

I watched James climb up the stairs worriedly.

Lily sank down on his chair, biting her lower lip.

"Is he all right?" Alice asked.

Lily shook her head. "It's killing him to even consider Remus like that."

"I'm going," Marlene said. "As I don't know the first thing about Remus, apparently." She left the house, clearly upset.

Lily and I looked at each other. She clasped her hands together, clearly distraught, but made no move to go after her.

With an internal groan, I went after Marlene myself.

"Marlene!" I called.

She didn't turn around. She was only about a foot from Apparating away.

"Marlene!" I said again, jogging now to catch her.

"Ray, I'm really not in the mood to talk," Marlene said, not turning around to me. She stepped outside the boundary.

"Marlene, don't be this way," I pleaded with her, but my words pushed her in the wrong direction.

"You know, even though you're the one being accused of being the spy, it seems people trust you with an awful lot," Marlene said, and a hurt smile appeared on her face. "At least, a lot more than me. What did I do, I wonder? Whatever it was, it was worse than when you let that Death Eater throw a Killing Curse at me."

Then, she spun and disappeared.

I stared at that spot, feeling dumbfounded, confused, hurt, and angry.

Behind me, a voice spoke up. "Let it go. She's got a temper, that's all. She's said far worse stuff to me over little things."

I turned around to see Sirius standing there. His jacket was on, which meant he was on his way home, too.

"It's not all, though, is it?" I said bitterly. "You suspect me, too." I'd heard that news through the grapevine that Sirius had given my name for suspect behavior after the mission with the sirens'.

Sirius gazed at me with unfathomable eyes. Then, without a word, he walked past me and Disapparated too.


Everybody in the Order was having a perfectly horrid time, so to brighten things up a bit, Alice and Frank decided to have a Christmas celebration at their house. Mad-Eye had also recovered enough to be released from the hospital, so we were celebrating that as well. I took photographs throughout and was feeling a bit better about everything when I passed through the hallway to wash my hands and eat. That was when I heard voices from the other side of a door.

The familiar, light-hearted voice of James Potter sounded out. "I don't want to think of it that way, but when you say that…"

A gruff voice, which I recognized as Moody's responded, "Yeah, I'll alert Dumbledore. He'll know what to do."

"Whose names are you going to give him? Moon-Remus?"

"Him and Raylynx Kingsley," I heard Moody respond. "Think she might be in league with Lupin, or else she made a treaty with the Death Eaters to keep what's left of her family safe."

My stomach plummeted. Me… He was talking about me.

"And just so you know, your pal Black isn't off the radar, either. He comes from a bad rep."

There was a pregnant pause. Then, a voice said heavily, "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

Oh, James, I thought.


The next day, James visited me with a rather uncomfortable expression. He wouldn't meet my eyes as he informed me, "You've been assigned guard duty at Hogsmeade and Hogwarts."

"I thought I was supposed to go scope out the acromantulas' grounds with Benjy. What, did we lose them already?" I said, confused. "Well, I suppose they are naturally dark creatures," I tacked on thoughtfully.

"Um... Dumbledore needs someone to escort foreign contacts from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts. He also thinks Death Eaters are trying to infiltrate Hogwarts, so he wants you to do night shifts there."

"Oh." It suddenly clicked. The mission hadn't been cancelled. It had just been reassigned to someone deemed more trustworthy. Something folded inside me, and wedged itself into my ice like a sharp chip of ice.

"James," I said. Panic bubbled up inside of me. "It's not me."

"I know," James said. "It's just the situation. It's gone all- all screwy and-"

"I swear it's not me," I whispered, feeling near heartbroken. "Voldemort and his Death Eaters slaughtered my parents and wrecked my family. How could I ever side with them?"

"Merlin, I can't believe we're having this conversation," James said, closing his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Ray."

"But we have to start suspecting people," he said, his voice choked. "The ambushes have gone on for too long."

Opening his eyes, he looked at me and whispered, "And if it's not you..."

"It's not Remus either," I said softly.

"Can you prove it?" James asked me, and his voice was borderline begging. "If you can, please do so! Please!"

I remained silent and James said brokenly, "He's my best mate. I don't want to think of him that way, either."

"But our members are dying," James repeated slowly. "We have to think of something."

"That's no way to think, James," I replied, shaking my head. "You're putting people in impossible positions. You want me to stay out of the way, but I know that it won't help save the Order."

"It's not me," James told me. "It's Dumbledore's decision. You know I don't think of you that way, Ray. Please, believe me."

I bit my lip as James looked at me with mournful eyes. I knew it hurt him more than anybody else to have to hear these things about his friends. He was only doing what he felt he had to do. Right now, he was just relying Dumbledore's orders to me. I tried not to take it personally and with a sigh, I nodded and said, "I'll be at Hogsmeade tomorrow."

But deep down I wondered if there was anything I could do to turn the tides of suspicion that kept coming up against both Remus and myself.