Raylynx's POV

The snow lay thick on the village of Hogsmeade. My feet crunched through the crisp snow as I headed to The Three Broomsticks, where I was supposed to meet with the envoys from Poland.

I walked up to the bar to greet Rosmerta, talking off my cloak and brushing my hair behind my shoulder. Suddenly, somebody came up beside me and ordered, "Madam Rosmerta! Another round of Firewhiskeys, please! Put it on my tab. I'll get it before the end of the week, I promise."

Then, he noticed me standing there, trying not to glare at him. Realizing he'd cut in front of me, he said, "Sorry if I got in your way."

"It's fine," I said, and then turned away, expecting him to return to his table of friends.

But instead, he awkwardly cleared his throat and bit his lower lip briefly. He brushed his fingers against his lip for a second before he said, "Care to, uh, join us?"

"Excuse me?" I said, confused.

"Well, if you've got a bit of time," he started, and then his voice faded to some mumble. His eyes dropped to my lips, and I instinctively wiped my mouth with my sleeve, wondering if some of the pasta I'd had for dinner was evidenced on my mouth.

Still a bit puzzled, my voice sounded slightly wooden as I said, "Thank you for inviting me, but I'm actually waiting for someone."

"Right. Figures," he muttered. He finally turned away from me.

A low chuckle sounded out behind me and an amused voice spoke into my ear. "He was trying to buy you a drink."

I turned around to see Sirius standing behind me.

"Well, it doesn't really matter what he was trying to do, does it?" I said. "Since we're on-"

"Guard duty," Sirius finished for me. "So you've said before," he remarked sarcastically. "You really love saying that."

I felt a little irked at his sarcasm, but I held it in. Instead, I scanned the bar to see if our guests had arrived.

"No guests yet?" Sirius asked me quietly.

"None," I affirmed.

"C'mon then," Sirius said. "We look conspicuous, just standing around. Let's order drinks and sit down."

Without further ado, he walked up to Madam Rosmerta, who greeted him cheerfully with a friendly kiss on the cheek.

I slowly made my way across the room and sat in an empty booth in the corner that was out of the way, but still had a direct line of sight to the entryway.

Sirius came back with two drinks. He set them down in the middle of the table. I expected him to sit across from me, but then he sidled over to my side of the table and slid into the booth. As it was, I was sitting smack in the middle of the seat. Surprised, I started and tried to make room for Sirius on the rather cramped booth.

"Don't get all excited," Sirius said, mistaking my trying to make room for him as avoiding him altogether. "I'm just keeping an eye on that doorway."

"I was just making room for you," I said stiffly. I was annoyed with him for misunderstanding my behavior, but I was also irritated by how bothered I got when I was near Sirius. When I am going to get a grip on myself? I'm not a teenage girl anymore. Anyways, it's not as though Sirius has been an angel to me.

Sirius looked at my glowering face and he said, "Here's another tip."

With a mischievous sparkle in his eye, he proceeded to adopt a mock-instructive voice. "If a guy bites his lower lip and then draws his finger up to his lips briefly, like this…" Sirius proceeded to do exactly as the other guy had done less than ten minutes ago. "And he lowers his eyes onto your lips…" He lowered his eyes, his thick eyelashes casting shadows on his skin. "And then speaks all husky like this… 'Want a drink?' "

I nearly laughed. Sirius' voice was low enough already, any "huskier" and he sounded like the bear-like dog he transformed into. As it was, I managed to restrain myself and pretend like I wasn't paying the slightest attention.

"… it means he wants to kiss you," Sirius finished, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Still hiding my laughter at his ridiculous pose and voice, I merely sipped my drink in a dignified manner.

"Hey, are you paying attention?" Sirius broke out of his imitation. "I'm trying to teach you here!"

"I know how it works, all right?" I replied, still not looking at him.

"Sure you do," Sirius said.

"I do."

"Holding hands doesn't count."

"If you must know, it was a kiss."

"Right. Tell me who it was. Then, I'll believe you."

"No," I replied.

"Then I don't believe you," Sirius said simply.

"I don't have to prove anything to you, Sirius," I retorted. My voice came out a lot more scathing than I meant it to.

There was a pause, and then Sirius said, "You know, you get harsh very quick."

"That's because you keep doubting me," I said, not realizing the heavy double meaning in my words.

When I did realize that I had actually touched upon the sensitive topic of "trust", I looked over at Sirius. I expected him to look defensive or even suspicious, but instead, a certain weariness came into his eyes.

Unsure if I had upset him or not, I decided I had to say something. "I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh," I clarified. "But while we're on the topic, I have to tell you that I know it was you who gave Moody my name as a suspect."

"You gave me no choice," Sirius said immediately. He sounded regretful, but he was still defensive. "After the mission in the siren caves, I had to."

I looked away from Sirius, feeling more than a little upset. But I didn't how to communicate what I felt. The truth was that I couldn't be angry at Sirius for reporting my behavior during our mission in the siren caves. In fact, it would have been suspicious of him not to. I suppose what truly bothered me was that had Sirius known me even a little, he would have known that I could never betray the Order. It wasn't just about loyalty to Dumbledore or even loyalty to the larger cause. It was because of how it had affected my life and robbed me of my family. But I didn't want to talk it. I was tired of trying to explain it. After all, what would Sirius know about being Muggle-born? What would Sirius know about having Muggle parents? Nothing. I thought bitterly.

Sirius' voice broke into my thoughts. He said in a surprisingly vulnerable voice, "I'm being suspected too, you know."

"I gathered," I said in a level tone. "Since you're here with me."

When he didn't reply, I added, "But you seem very calm about it."

In fact, I was quite surprised with how Sirius was acting. I would have expected him to be furious when somebody doubted his loyalty as he had always proudly proclaimed his Gryffindor allegiance and openly pitted himself against anti-pure blood mania at every opportunity.

Instead, Sirius gave a bitter laugh. "Did you forget who I am? I'm the descendant of a maniacal pureblood family. No matter how hard I try, that's all I am to most people. I thought this would happen, that's all. It's only natural."

We were both silent, the bitterness of his words hanging in the air.

Holding my mug in my hands, I tried to find the right words to express the mess of emotions I was feeling.

Finally, I said, "Listen, you shouldn't have reported me. You shouldn't have suspected me at all."

Sirius' eyebrows rose.

"I know I made a mistake during the mission with the sirens, but it's not about that," I said, determined to get my words out. "My reasons for fighting in this war are deeper than just being part of an organization or fighting for some abstract justice. And it's completely nonsensical that I have to sit here in some bar while my friends are fighting Death Eaters and Dark Creatures at this very moment. I wish you wouldn't have given my name to Moody. Frankly, I'm disappointed that you did."

My voice had started to rise, and I took a quick breath to reel my anger in. But more than anything, I wanted to follow through and speak my mind, so I continued, even though, in my nervousness, I could only manage to stare at the mug I was clutching between my hands. "But I recognize that the same applies for you. Yes, it's natural for people to associate individuals with familial allegiances, but the fact that it's natural doesn't mean it's right. All of history reflects how people have the desire to oppress and stereotype other people. One might say it's a natural inclination, but it doesn't mean it's right."

I had no faith in my ability to speak, and so I had no idea if he had understood any part of what I'd just said. But there, I thought. I've tried. I let out a breath and finally risked looking over at Sirius.

Sirius' face thawed, not into a smile, but into a smirk. "You are such a nerd. I can't believe you took History of Magic voluntarily," he commented, but I thought his eyes might have lightened a little. My heart had lightened a little, too, though there was no obvious reason for feeling better.

Then, Sirius and I both noticed two cloaked figures enter the doorway, in colors of dark red and white.

"They're here."

We both stood up and left the table.

"Hello, how's the weather?" Sirius said brightly as we approached them.

I held my breath, but to my relief, the first figure replied with the password. "Sun like phoenix fire."

"Would you like something or would you prefer to go straight away?" I asked, stepping up from behind Sirius.

The figure answered, "Straight away, please."

We exited the Three Broomsticks without further ado. Sirius and I glanced back to make sure there wasn't anybody tailing us.

We quickly stepped through Hogsmeade, not speaking at all, as we were focused on trying to rush past any watchful eyes. However, as soon as we stepped past the boundaries of Hogsmeade, the envoys dropped their hoods.

Unexpectedly, I was suddenly enveloped in an enthusiastic hug.

"Whoa," I said, trying to see through the curls of hair.

A controlled but humored voice sounded out. "It's me. Jared. With-"

"Hey!" Alexia stepped back from me breathlessly.

"We didn't know "greeters" meant you!" Alexia said, smiling.

"And we didn't know "envoys" meant you," I said, feeling a bubble of happiness blossom inside at the unexpected, but very welcome sight of two friends.

"Poland, huh?" Sirius commented. "Now some of those cryptic comments about red-and-white Letra Damien folks make sense."

Jared chuckled and said, "Yes, we're very proud of our national colors. Although a good number of us were French, too."


We made our way to the castle in good cheer and in good time.

It was strange to step through the Hogwarts doors again.

As it was winter break, the halls were mostly empty, save for Filch and a few remaining students here and there. I knew Regulus was back at the Black's family house, but I couldn't help searching for him anyways. As it were, my eyes landed on Sirius, striding besides me, for a brief moment.

Sirius and I led Jared and Alexia up to Dumbledore's office. They thanked us warmly for our guidance.

For a moment, I considered following them in. I wanted to ask Dumbledore if there as any word from Remus. I wondered how many nights it'd been since Remus had left, and if there was any way to clear his name of suspicion without having to explain where he was. I stood in front of the gargoyle leading to Dumbledore's office, biting my lip as I thought it over. But I decided that it was an issue that shouldn't be said in front of Jared and Alexia, and they were sure to have their own reasons for coming here without my bringing up other issues.

So, I said good-bye to them and left with Sirius.

As we were turning away, Sirius caught me by surprise by asking me, "What's wrong?"

I looked up at him, a bit surprised. Since when was Sirius good at noticing my feelings?

"I wanted to ask about Remus," I answered honestly. "I wanted to ask Dumbledore when he's coming back."

"If he comes back," Sirius answered morosely. "He might choose to stay there. Especially if he's been tempted to switch allegiances."

"Stop it," I snapped at him. "You don't really believe Remus is a spy, so stop saying things like that."

Sirius remained silent as we continued walking down the hallway.

"You don't," I repeated, more hesitantly this time. "Right?"

When he didn't answer, I stepped in front of him and stared him straight in the eyes. "Tell me the truth."

He sighed. "No, I don't," he said finally. However, his voice was heavy as he added, "But it's getting harder to tell what's real and what's hope."


Sirius' POV

I didn't tell Raylynx this, because she looked so damn hopeful about Remus coming back, but we hadn't heard from Remus in weeks.

We knew he was alive because the ring we used to track him was still warm to the touch, but he wasn't reporting as scheduled. It made me wonder whether he'd had enough of the werewolf stigma amongst wizards and decided to just join that community itself. I imagined he had reason enough to. After Hogwarts, all he'd faced was endless prejudice and disappointment from the Wizarding community. For Remus, his allegiance between werewolves and wizards likely impacted his day-to-day life far more than his allegiance to the Order versus the Death Eaters. Although I trusted that Remus would always stay true to the Order of the Phoenix in his heart, it wasn't hard to imagine that he might switch sides superficially, not when it promised such a drastic improvement to his life.

Raylynx and I exited the castle, passing by a mewing Mrs. Norris. I'd always hated that cat, even when I wasn't in my Padfoot form. We walked all the way down to Hogsmeade in silence, both immersed in our thoughts, when suddenly, Raylynx stopped dead in her tracks.

I stopped, too. "What is it?" I asked, frowning. I squinted in front of us, trying to see whatever it was she was seeing.

"Yaxley," Raylynx breathed out, and for a moment, I thought she was overreacting. Even if it was a Death Eater, the most we could in a village full of people was sneer at each other. But then I remembered that her parents had been killed by Death Eaters, and Yaxley may well have been one of them.

I spotted them, then, at the end of the street: Four cloaked and hooded figures. One of them was definitely Yaxley and the other might be Dolohov, but I wasn't too sure. Raylynx had damn good eyes, to have seen them so far away in this snowy dusk. I tried hard to see who Yaxley was communicating with. They were making their way down, towards us, and soon I recognized the third member- Rookwood, that bloke from the Ministry. But I still couldn't see the fourth person's face, as his or her hood was too low. Then, they spotted us, and turned towards us.

Raylynx and I simply stood there, but we both had our hands slipped in our cloaks, gripping our wands.

"Well, well, if it isn't the pitiful Mudblood orphan?" Yaxley greeted us in his drawling voice.

Raylynx stiffened and her head dropped slightly, as though she were ashamed. Her reaction bothered me. Why does she hang her head like that and hide her face? Your parents didn't die for you to be ashamed of them, I thought, but I knew actually saying that would sound far too harsh. I wanted to reach out and push her back, to make her stand straighter and taller, like she should. But that would be weird, Sirius, I told myself.

I traded some meaningless insults with each of them and we parted, unable to do much more.

Raylynx and I turned away and walked away into the Hog's Head to report to Aberforth.

"Couple Death Eaters about, but no action to report. Everything's clear-" I started to say, but Raylynx interrupted me.

"Wait. Will you tell the Headmaster that Karkaroff's with the Death Eaters in Hogsmeade?"

"That's who it was?" I said, once again impressed by her vision. Maybe that's why she had made a good Seeker, back in the day.

Raylynx nodded, and Aberforth said he'd contact the Headmaster straightaway.

We stepped outside and were just about to Disapparate our separate ways home, when I found myself blurting out, "I don't know why you hang your head like that. In front of them, I mean."

Raylynx looked up at me and I hurriedly explained, "Trust me, I know their parents. They were just like mine and let me tell you, they were…"

My voice faltered a little at the thought of my parents, but I wasn't going to let the unexplainable sadness get to me right now. I went on, "They were cowards. They'd never be able to love their children like your parents loved you- to the point of dying to protect their children. You told me about your mother and the necklace. Listen, that kind-of honest, raw strength that your mother has doesn't exist in any of their pure-blood parents."

For a moment, I wondered if anything I was saying was coherent because Raylynx was looking at me with such wide eyes.

Feeling a bit awkward, I brought our conversation back to a more familiar tone by saying to her, "So man up. Hold your head higher next time, all right?"

A snowflake fluttered onto her cheek.

Finally, she just said, "Yeah."

That's it? "Yeah?" Merlin, I go out on a limb to try to make her feel better, and that's the response I get? Feeling a strange warmth creep up my cheeks, I decided I'd spent more than enough time with Raylynx tonight. In fact, I'd be rather glad to take a break from seeing her so often. Clearing my throat, I stepped away from her to Disapparate home.


Raylynx's POV

My home was no longer a designated quarter for the Order. I spent my nights on guard at Hogwarts. In some ways, it helped with the loneliness I'd felt ever since Remus left. Here, even in the dead of night, I could speak to somebody, whether that was Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady or, more often than not, Sirius. We were being paired together increasingly often since we were both under suspicion. Every time I passed by Dumbledore's office, I wondered what he was doing. Most of all, I wondered why Dumbledore wasn't coming out and clearing Remus' name. After all, Dumbledore was the one who had asked Remus for this favor. Why wasn't he doing anything to calm down the chaos in the Order? Surely, Dumbledore knew that his organization was starting to fracture, and that we could not work effectively if we were divided by distrust. All of suspicion, and Dumbledore's silence, frustrated me to no end. But I didn't know how to combat it, or how to approach Dumbledore. It didn't feel like I had the right to go and tell him how to control his organization. Besides, Dumbledore knew more about what was happening than anyone. Surely, he realized what was going on amongst Order members, and was following the best strategy to get us through this. I tried to hold tight to that trust in Dumbledore. But as day after day passed, my patience began wearing thin.

While I was at Hogwarts, I never saw the students, since I only went on night shifts. But I already knew that Regulus was alive, and that was all I wanted to know. It was quiet and dull work, with hardly anything to report. I did spot Karkaroff once again in Hogsmeade, and headed off straight to Aberforth to relay the message to Dumbledore. On that note, I'd also become a bit closer to Aberforth, though my guard shifts didn't allow me to converse with him much. But it was clear to me early on Aberforth had a quick mind and a stout heart, and he treated me with a gruff kindness that I could appreciate in the midst of all the swirling doubt and guilt.


James' POV

The Order was falling apart.

Everybody was pointing fingers at each other and spreading rumors.

Nobody wanted to go on missions anymore, for fear they would be ambushed immediately.

Late night visits amongst friends in the Order no longer happened; people were shutting their doors left and right.

And then, the news we had just received finally cracked everybody's last remaining frail hope:

Frank was shaking from head to toe as he stood in my kitchen, where Lily, Sirius, Raylynx, Peter, Caradoc, Sturgis, and I were. We'd gathered to hear the news.

Frank finally spoke in a quavering voice. "Benjy Fenwick... He went after the acromantulas. Mad-Eye found him dead. There were only- only pieces left of him."

Shock filtered into our systems. None of us dared to do so much as draw breath.

Frank swallowed hard before he continued, "There was no trace of venom. Most likely he never even got to the acromantulas, but was intercepted halfway by- Well, they think it's… werewolf work."

Immediately, there was an outbreak of shouts and cries and tears. Caradoc and Sturgis were yelling accusatory remarks as Raylynx leapt to her feet and began to argue back.

Feeling a terribly heavy weight on my shoulders, I fell back into a chair and stared hopelessly at the floor.

it was all breaking down. All of it. Just look at what we've become.

By accusing others, Caradoc and Sturgis were causing mayhem.

By defending Remus, Raylynx was not only fueling their anger, but also bringing suspicion herself.

And there was Sirius, with hardened eyes, and I could tell his ever cynical mind was weighing the odds, considering what he didn't want to believe. Some part of me had always resented that part of Sirius. I knew it was an unavoidable part of his personality because of how he had grown up, but I disliked how calculating and pessimistic he could be. I know understand, though, why he thought like that. In fact, I had adopted that part of his personality for myself, far more than I cared to admit. But it felt unnatural for me, and it weighed on me heavily.

There's no way to win. How long can we last in this state?

Fractures everywhere, between everyone.

And no end in sight to the accusations, because there's no way to gather surefire proof of anyone's innocence, unless it's dying for the cause.

But you can't forgive, or be forgiven by, a corpse.

Lily's hand warmly pressed on my arm. I reached out and took her hand in mine.

Just then, Sirius finally stood up. But it was with an impassive attitude and in a flat voice that he said to Caradoc and Sturgis, "Out. The both of you, out. I won't have any more of these accusations."

Raylynx watched Sirius shove out the others with a frustrated gaze. When Caradoc and Sturgies were gone, she turned to both Sirius and me and said angrily, "You could both be a little more trusting of Remus. He's your friend, isn't he? He deserves a better defense than this."

Sirius and I exchanged tired looks. I knew we were both thinking of the fact that Remus hadn't contacted us for weeks now. Meawhile, the number of ambushes just kept growing.

"Ray, please, not right now," Lily said softly. "I know you're upset but- Just not right now, okay?"

Raylynx looked as though she had more to say, but she fell quiet.

With a weary sigh, I got up from my seat and pulled on my cloak.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked me, a slight hint of fear in her voice.

"To the Headmaster's," I replied monotonously. "Somebody has to tell Benjy's parents."

"I don't understand," Raylynx said, and her voice was strangely dissonant.

I was a little confused at her response, but I tried to explain to her. "Well, I knew the Fenwicks personally, so I think I should go to Dumbledore and offer myself for the job."

"No, not that," Raylynx said. "I mean, I don't understand what Dumbledore's doing. Where is he in all this?"

As she spoke, her voice began to take on the foreboding nature of an incoming thunderstorm.

"Ray?" Lily said cautiously.

"Is he just going to let it go on this way?" Raylynx demanded. "He asked Remus to go, and now he's going to just stand by and let Remus take all the blame! What kind of game is Dumbledore playing at?"

"What are you talking about?" Sirius said, frowning at her.

Without another word, Raylynx ripped open the front door and marched out.

"What the hell's gotten into her?" Sirius asked, staring after her.

"She's acting strangely," Peter remarked quietly.

"Is she? I don't think it's strange to be upset, considering the circumstances," I pointed out. "All right, I'm off. Lily, don't wait up for me. Although, you might want to check on the others. I know Dorcas, Jay, and Will were close to Benjy."

Lily nodded. "I'll do that."

She came up to me and kissed my cheek and said my name softly. "James..."

As always, hearing her say my name that way made me feel indescribably happy, but in the moment, I couldn't seem to muster up the smile to express that.

Instead, I said, as warmly as I could, "I'll be back soon."


Raylynx's POV

I stormed across the snow and entered the Hogwarts castle.

Ignoring Filch's squabbling that today wasn't scheduled for guard duty, I made my way up to the Headmaster's Office. "Peppermint Toads."

As the gargoyle turned, I raced up the stairs. When I entered the office, I saw Dumbledore's outline hunched over his desk, his fingertips together as he was deep in thought.

"Ms. Kingsley." He greeted me without moving. In a sad and tired voice, Dumbledore said to me, "It appears you have heard the news."

I cannot explain why, but in actually seeing Dumbledore, sitting behind his desk and looking impossibly tired, I suddenly swallowed my words. I couldn't yell at him and demand explanations as I had planned to. All of the anger I had been holding back for weeks and weeks was suddenly extinguished. The remaining smoke was thick, and the basic premise for my emotions were still alive, as are burning embers, but I simply couldn't bring myself to speak in the moment. My hand slowly gripped into a fist. He's a good man, I whispered to myself. He is. He has to be.

Behind me, the gargoyle began to move again.

In a small voice, I responded to Dumbledore. "Yes, I did hear about Benjy."

Dumbledore seemed to take notice of my hesitance then, and straightening up in his seat, he observed, "But you have come because there is more to say."

"Headmaster, I would like your permission to go after Remus."

Dumbledore did not respond immediately, and instead, surveyed me with a bright, intense gaze through his half-moon glasses.

Behind me, I heard Sirius and James shuffling in.

"Headmaster," James greeted Dumbledore.

Dumbledore inclined his head towards both of them. Then, he turned back to me and asked, "Why do you make such a request, Ms. Kingsley?"

"To clear Remus' name," I said. "Other Order members are wrongfully accusing him of being a spy just because he happens to be away during the timing of these ambushes. If Remus comes back, it'll clear any suspicion around his name."

Instead of Dumbledore, it was Sirius who replied, "That's not possible. I understand your motivations, but it's not as simple as all that."

"What do you mean?" I asked, my eyebrows creasing.

Sirius sighed. He glanced up at Dumbledore, who gave a small nod. "The truth is that Remus hasn't been reporting on schedule for weeks now," Sirius finally told me. "We aren't sure where he is or what he's doing anymore."

"But that's true for all Order members who go on undercover missions," I argued. "None of us know what the others are doing or expect them to message regularly! But their names aren't brought up every time there's an ambush. It's only Remus who is implicated and that's because he was sent to parley with werewolves. And the fact that we can't admit that only makes people more suspicious of him."

"It's a little deeper than that," James corrected me, his eyes downcast. "It's because people suspect that Rems is a werewolf himself."

"So let's bring him back!" I said, unable to comprehend what the difficulty was. "Have him report to us and show the others he's innocent!"

"Raylynx-" James began, but I continued to speak. "This isn't just for Remus' sake," I said. "The whole Order is falling apart on the basis of fear and mistrust. All these unfounded accusations… There are even accusations against someone like me, whose whole family was wrecked by Death Eaters! Or Sirius, who's shown through the course of his whole life that he's against those kind of people! I was stopped from going on missions on groundless accusations and because of that I wasn't with Benjy when he…" I suddenly had to blink back tears. I'd revealed too much, and said things that I didn't meant to say. I swallowed hard and turned back to Dumbledore. "Headmaster, please, I'm begging you, we need peace back in the Order. We need to trust each other and for that, we need Remus back with us. Please let me go."

Silence stole into the room for a few moments.

"I'll go with her," Sirius abruptly offered, but Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm sorry, Ms. Kingsley," he said, and his voice left no room for discussion. "I cannot permit that. It would disrupt any equilibrium Remus may have established within the werewolves. If he has remained loyal to us, it would upend all his hard work for you to go. If he has betrayed us, it would disrespect his wishes to remain in the werewolf community, untouched by witches and wizards."

The logical answer, I thought ruefully. You're giving me the logical answer. When the truth is that Remus has always felt like he deserves to be ostracized. Remus may very well be punishing himself by staying with that community just because he feels like he has to for the greater good, even if it's not what he wants, even if it's killing him to stay there.

"Headmaster," James stepped forth, "Benjy's parents still have to be told about their son's death. I can let them know. I've known them since I was a child. They've always treated me very kindly."

"Very well. Thank you," Dumbledore said, and James took off, though not before laying a hand on my shoulder. "In this situation, the best thing we can do is trust him and give him time. Remus will find his way back to us, Ray. Don't worry," he murmured quietly, then walked past me.

I shut my eyes and breathed deeply. I now understood what Sirius had said before: It's getting more and more difficult to tell what's hopeful thinking and what's reality.

Upon leaving Dumbledore's office, I headed down towards the Southernmost dungeons instead of heading for the front doors.

"Where are you going?" Sirius called after me.

"I need a place to think," I said briefly, climbing down the staircases. In truth, I was headed to where the Grey Lady sometimes wandered. Although we hardly ever spoke, she always kept me quiet company and though she had initially felt very intimidating, her presence felt soothing to me now.

"There's a better place for that," Sirius said, stopping at the top of the staircases. "Come with me."


"Sirius, I said a place to think, not drink."

We were sitting in the Three Broomsticks and Sirius had ordered a massive jug of Firewhiskey.

"Oh, sorry, my misunderstanding," he said airily as he poured us both glasses full to the brim.

I eyed my glass warily. "I'm a lightweight, Sirius, remember? Why did you order so much?"

"Just drink." Sirius shook his head. "You worry too much about everything."

Even though I knew he meant it as a joke, my heart suddenly felt a little heavier at this.

"I can't help it," I said. "Sirius, what do you think Remus is doing right this moment?"

"How the hell would I know? Don't think about things like that," Sirius responded.

"Should I tell you what I think?" I asked him. He didn't reply, so I went ahead. "I think that even though I'm the most outspoken one,it's really you, James, and Peter who are suffering most. The reason you guys won't say anything isn't because you doubt him. It's because you're afraid to doubt. Because you love him so much, you have that much more to lose than me. Even the thought of his actually betraying the Order makes you so afraid it freezes you, makes you scared to even move. I know that. I can see that, you know."

"Can you?" Sirius said in a harsh, caustic tone.

"Yes," I said honestly. "I couldn't read people or relationships this way before. But after my parents died, I can tell how fear and grief change people, or maybe the more accurate way to say it is that fear and grief reveal what's always been essential."

I watched as Sirius grabbed his glass off the table and began to drink deeply.

"But there's one thing I don't understand," I confessed. "We all signed up to fight the Death Eaters. The Order versus the Death Eaters. Good guys versus bad guys. Simple, right? So how is it that we all ended up fighting amongst ourselves?"

Sirius expertly poured himself another glass, all the way to the very brim again.

"I think it's because we're afraid," I whispered. "We're all afraid of losing something or someone."

Sirius looked at me with a disbelieving, annoyed face. "Is this what you spend your time thinking about? For Merlin's sake, the epithets you're coming up are with more dramatic than Greek tragedies."

"Well, what do you suggest?" I said.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you take up knitting? That way you won't have to be so possessive about your scarves."

I snorted. "Right. That's what I'll do to solve all my problems. Thank you, Sirius."

"Don't mention it," he replied. He reached for the jug again. This time, he sloshed it a little while pouring it.

I wondered whether I should keep quiet. After all, I didn't meant to depress him. But then again, he was the one who had dragged me here. The Grey Lady would have been perfectly fine hearing all this.

So, I said, "Can you imagine how Benjy's parents are feeling right now? James is brave for offering to tell them. I wouldn't want to witness that grief. It hurts enough to lose parents; imagine losing your kid."

Sirius groaned audibly.

And then I said, in an anxious voice, the thing that had truly been eating away at me all evening. "I should have been there," I murmured miserably. "Even if it wasn't my assigned mission anymore, I should have gone with him. Even if I couldn't save him, at least I might have died with him." I looked down at my slightly trembling hands. Benjy, you must have been terrified, dying all by yourself. How can I ever look your parents in the face?

Slam. Sirius brought down his empty glass none too quietly.

I started at the sudden sound.

"That's enough of your talk," he growled. He pointed at my full mug with his empty mug and said, "See, if you would just drink more, you'd say less of this depressing codswallop."

I watched in bemusement as Sirius filled and finished his third glass in a row. We both glanced at the half-empty jug.

"You know I didn't touch that," I commented. "You know that's all you."

In response, he reached over and took my glass and downed it too.

"You're going to have to go the bathroom pretty so- ," I muttered.

I hadn't even finished my sentence when he got up to go.

But I have to say I was somewhat impressed when he managed to drink the whole jug and still walk without so much as a wobble. His face was slightly pink as we walked out, though that may be because an elderly woman shouted out to me , "Hoo, girl, he's a looker!" as we passed. But then, I doubt it. Sirius had never before shown any spectacular displays of modesty. I held back a snicker as I thought this.

"I'm heading home," I said. "Will you make it back all right?"

Sirius snorted. "Don't act like you're taking care of me. I'll be perfectly fine."

"All right," I said. I stepped away to Apparate, but Sirius stepped with me.

I looked up at him, wondering why he'd come closer.

"You shouldn't think that way," he said, not looking me in the eyes.

"I know. You've said that to me already," I said, amused. "I'll get right to work on that knitting, then. I'm sure it'll save us all from this depressing situation."

"No," Sirius replied, and his voice indicating that he wasn't trying to be funny. "I meant about Benjy."

He finally met my gaze and said, "Even if you think you should have been there, I'm glad you weren't."

My mouth fell open a little.

An awkward silence ensued.

Sirius ran both his hands through his hair before he stepped away from me. "All right," he said. "Night, then."

Then, with an expression that clearly showed that he was all too glad to be escaping the uncomfortable situation between us, he turned and Disapparated.