Sirius' POV
The front door was unlocked.
My heart dropped. So someone really is here.
"Raylynx! Raylynx!" I shouted. I knew I shouldn't give away my position, but I was so damn nervous.
Unsure of where to go, I started to slam open doors- and then-
She was in the bathtub, deathly still.
My heart stopped.
The Killing Curse leaves no mark.
I ran towards the tub and splashed into the water, almost hyperventilating from the nervousness. She can't be gone. She's not dead! She can't be dead! I started to pull her into my arms when suddenly I felt her move. I froze and my breathing stopped. I looked into her face just as her eyes opened.
She froze too, the shock written all over her face.
Like two statutes caught in a downpour, we stared at other, frozen save for the water trickling down our bodies.
Neither of us could make sense of the situation. I couldn't seem to cognize anything… except… except for the fact that she was alive. Just that one thing, the most important thing: She's alive. She's alive. I thought my knees would give out from the sudden release of tension I felt. As it was, I slumped forward, trying to regulate my breathing again.
"Sirius?" Raylynx asked, confused. She grabbed both my shoulders, but I dropped my head forward, resting on her shoulder so as to hide my face. I couldn't look her in the eyes right now. My heart was thawing and I was sure if she looked into my eyes, she would be able to read me. She would be able to see how much I had come to care for her. But I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I might have some sort-of feelings for her. Because she really wasn't my type. And I especially wasn't ready for the rejection I knew would come. Even if she wasn't in love with Remus, she must feel something for him. Otherwise why would she be so kind to him? Nobody could be so kind on principle. Even if you wanted to be, the world made you hard and cruel and selfish. Nobody could be so generous, so thoughtful, and so beautiful-hearted without reason… Nobody…
"You're trembling. What's wrong?" Raylynx asked me.
I didn't say anything, just tried to compose myself. But she wasn't having any of that.
"Sirius!" She suddenly pushed me back so she could look at me. She held my face between both her hands and looked right at me. "What is it? What's happened?"
"I thought you were dead. Your door was unlocked and you were lying in the water like that… " I tried to explain.
Raylynx's eyes suddenly cleared and she laughed a little. "Oh no, I was just… I was a bit out of it."
Suddenly, an unexplainable feeling rose up within me.
The night I was tortured by my parents and decided to run away… Everything about that night flashes between hurt and numbness… It was all so cold. Except… the hand pressed against my cheek. It was such a kind hand… So warm amidst all that cold… They were the same hands. I know it. It was these hands… These kind and gentle hands…
"Sirius?"
Even though I know I shouldn't want such a thing, I…
Unknowingly, I found myself leaning forward. My hand reached for her cheek and I leaned closer to her until my lips nearly touched her.
I shouldn't want such a thing.
I swallowed hard.
My hand covered her eyes and I dropped my head.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "Guess you're not the only one feeling a bit out of it."
We both dried ourselves off and went out to the kitchen. Neither of us knew what to say, and Raylynx was looking at me with concern written all over her face. I made to leave immediately. But when I opened the door, Marlene ran straight into me.
"Whoa," I said, steppeing back.
"Sirius!? What, why are you here? Why aren't you at the Prewitts'!?"
"The Prewitts'?" I said, confused.
"Peter said you were already there! You were supposed to be there first! Don't you live closest to them?"
"Yes, I live closest to them, but why-?"
"Have you lost your senses!? They're under attack by a ton of Death Eaters!" Marlene yelled. "I came to get Ray to help! You're supposed to be there already, Sirius! We were counting on you!"
My stomach dropped. But Pete said it was a Muggle-born's house. The Prewitts are purebloods. Everyone knows that.
"Let's go!" Marlene shouted and turning, she raced out.
Raylynx started to run after her. Seeing me frozen, she grabbed me and pulled me along.
"The only thing we can do now is get there as fast as we can," Raylynx said to me. "You can't worry about what might have been."
She spun, pulling me into the vortex of Apparition with her.
As soon as we arrived in front of the Prewitts' house, we were plunged into complete chaos.
All the defenses had been knocked down, and the house was set on fire.
Screaming and shouting everywhere, curses and hexes fired everywhere, and rivulets of blood bleeding through the grass…
And two corpses… Two corpses lying side-by-side in front of the house, surrounded by five bodies wearing Death Eater masks.
Fabian.
Gideon.
Guilt slammed into me like a full-on train.
This is my fault. I was supposed by here. I…
Suddenly, a spell whizzed towards me.
Raylynx stepped in front of me and fended it off with a well-placed Shield Charm.
"Get out of here!" a masked Death Eater shouted. "The mission is accomplished! Get out!"
Black cloaks swished and swirled as numbers of Death Eaters took off.
The last one cackled and screamed out a spell. A jet of green light shot out of her wand and erupted into the air. The Dark Mark, a serpent coming out of the mouth of a skull, hovered above the now-crumbling house. With a haunting laugh that I knew belonged to my deranged cousin, the last Death Eater spun and disappeared.
Mad-Eye came over to me and jabbed his wand in my face. "Where were ya, boy?! Huh? Why didn't you come?!"
"Worm… I mean, Pete said it was a different house," I muttered weakly, unable to stop looking at the two corpses in front of the house.
Peter appeared, too, with Emmeline, Sturgis, and Dedalus.
"I heard it from Remus," Peter said. "Remus told me to tell you that it was a Muggle-born's house that was attacked."
"Lupin, huh?" Mad-eye said suspiciously. He and Sturgis exchanged dark looks.
"He must have told you to watch over me given the threats I've been receiving," Raylynx said, shooting an angry glare at Sturgis. "Peter, you must have just misunderstood it in the flux of information happening. And Sirius rushed over to my house because he thought it was my house that was under attack."
An uneasy feeling crept over me. Moony wouldn't ask Wormtail that. Moony left so less people would be involved with the whole issue. He would never ask me and Peter to be involved in the danger like that. I know for certain that Moony didn't ask Worm to watch over her. If he said anything at all, it must have been… it must have been purposefully misleading information.
The funeral was held shortly after and Fabian and Gideon were buried alongside Benjy.
I remember Molly crying and Alice and Lily embracing her.
I wanted to comfort her as well but the guilt washed up over me, and I turned away.
"Sirius?"
Raylynx had only just arrived, having come from her job at Ollivander's.
I just nodded at her, feeling too ashamed to meet her eyes.
"You're not alone in what you're feeling," she said quietly, staring at the Fenwick family mourning.
She put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Maybe it's selfish of me to say, but I'm glad you're still alive."
I couldn't help it. I reached up and took her hand in mine.
Surprised, her eyes flitted up to mine. She didn't say anything, but her eyebrows scrunched together in confusion while a pale blush slowly spread across her cheeks.
I admired that blush. But I didn't want to make her feel too uncomfortable or spill my feelings in a setting like this, so I let go of her hand and mumbled, "sorry" before turning away.
Raylynx's POV
Aberforth and I eventually mended ties, though we did so simply by pretending that the episode between us never happened. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling I had about Dumbledore. We all heralded him as the ultimate figure of goodness, but from Lancelot Weasley to Bathilda Bagshot to Aberforth, there was a certain ambiguity about him as well. So as apprehensive as I was, I still tried to engage Aberforth in discussion.
"Aberforth?"
"Hm."
"That first time I met you. It was in Godric's Hollow."
"Yeah."
"Godric's Hollow cemetery."
Silence.
"So you must have lived there before?"
Silence.
"Is that how Bathilda Bagshot knows you so well?"
He snorted. "That old goat doesn't know anything about me. She just took an interest in Albus, that's all."
"And your sister, too. She remembered your sister."
Silence.
"Ariana…" I said quietly, afraid to push him any further.
"Was it because of her magic?" I asked quietly. "Because Sola can't control hers anymore, either."
I had thought long and hard about this. Why would the youngest girl of an accomplished family die so young? It couldn't have been because of any outside threats or anything. Her family could protect or heal her as much as any family could. She was safe- from everything but herself. So if her magic reacted explosively when her mother died, parallel to when Sola's disappeared when our mother died? But…
"That's not it. Our mother died after she did," Aberforth said gruffly.
"Oh," I said. That crossed off the only hypothesis I had then.
"It's nothing like you imagine," Aberforth continued softly, but I could see the grief in his face as he spoke.
"I'm sorry," I apologized. "You must not want anyone thinking that way of your family. I'm sorry."
"She wasn't sick, either. She was really, really healthy."
"I see-"
"For a time."
I shut my mouth and watched Aberforth.
"But then, something happened, and she wasn't so well anymore. So when Albus wanted to go off on an adventure after our father died, I told him off. I said, you can't just leave her right now. She's too unstable. But he wanted to go searching for the Hallows." Aberforth snorted. "More power. He wanted more power. When the power he held in his hands was the power to keep Ariana healthy and I didn't understand- still don't- why you would want anything more. Isn't that the ultimate power? Keeping safe the ones you love?"
Aberforth looked me straight in the eye. "You didn't abandon your brother, did you? You stayed by his side when he was physically hurt. Don't abandon your sister either. Whatever mental hurt she's going through is just as viable and unfortunate and difficult to grapple with as the physical difficulty your brother went through. But just like physical therapy helps someone physically injured, believing in someone until the very end will help your sister get her magic back. So don't you dare abandon your sister. D'you hear me? Without you, without your brother, she'll die, too."
An unexpected wave of sorrow and guilt rose up within me. I have been neglecting Sola. I've been treating her as if she wanted to be so strict, as if she chose to throw away her magic, when none of it was actually her fault. She was only trying to save me. I'm not reciprocating that. I'm not truly loving her.
"Ray, long time, no see." James hugged me as I stepped through the doorway.
"Yeah. How're you, James? Holding up all right?"
James tried to smile, but failing, shrugged as casually as he could. "Could be better, I suppose."
"Well, have you heard the happy news?" I asked. "Alice and Frank are going to have a baby."
"Yeah," James said, and a genuine, if not weary, smile spread across his face. "I did hear. Lily's the godmother."
"I know. A perfect choice," I said and grinned.
"Come in," he motioned to me. "Sirius is here, too."
"Actually, James, I came to ask you something specific," I said.
"What's that?" James asked.
"May I see your Invisibility Cloak? Just for a few seconds," I asked.
"Sure," James said. "Here, wait in the kitchen and I'll bring it down."
I entered the kitchen to see Sirius sitting at the table, alone.
Sirius.
Uneasy, I blinked and looked away.
I'd finally managed to start feeling comfortable around him. I'd finally manage to conjure up some sort of neutrality towards him. But what was that the other day? I recalled the utter shock I'd felt when he'd pulled me out of the water in the bathtub. We'd froze, staring at each other in paralyzing surprise. But then, he slumped forward and I could feel his forehead resting against my shoulder. He was trembling. I tried to look into his face and to read him. I was terrified that something happened to one of the Order members, to one of our friends.
"What is it?" I had asked. "What's happened?"
"I thought you were dead. Your door was unlocked and you were lying in the water like that… "
I remember thinking, Oh, I must have startled him when he came by and I was lying in the water like that. I see.
I laughed a little, as I realized that Sirius and I had been grossly overreacted.
But then, I felt him shift slightly. I paused, and then tensed a little as he brought his face closer to mine. In fact, our lips were nearly touched. I held my breath. Sirius swallowed and with a sigh, he leaned back a little. Then, I felt his hand gently cover my eyes, and he said, "Sorry, I guess you're not the only one feeling a bit out of it."
That entire interaction had been so strange that I still didn't know what to make of it. But neither of us had had time to dwell on it, since the Prewitts' tragedy occurred right after that. I had since just explained it away by telling myself that Sirius had just been upset at finding me dead in the water, since finding someone that way could upset and unhinge anyone, but there was the slightest whisper in my heart that something more was going on between us. But I could hardly dare to hope that it was anything romantic. It had been so many years since I'd known Sirius, and the way he had treated me ever since we met clearly showed that he was uninterested in me, and I had finally managed to accept that and to recognize that if someone treated me the way Sirius did, I shouldn't want them. And yet, he had changed, and I had changed. The war had molded us both into more serious versions of ourselves, and perhaps, there was a deep camaraderie growing between us now...
Don't, I warned myself. Don't do this to yourself again, Raylynx. Not with Sirius.
"What?" Sirius finally said grumpily, noticing my wariness. "Sit."
I strode around him and took a seat at the table.
"Where's Lily?" I asked.
"At Molly Weasley's. Trying to help out with the kids and whatnot."
At the thought of Fabian and Gideon and Molly, I fell silent.
Luckily, James walked in at that moment.
"Lily really shouldn't be up," James said, frowning. "I'm glad she's looking after Molly. Merlin knows Molly needs some time to grieve, but Lily's a bit sick right now."
"Sick?" I asked.
"Not terribly, but just some vomiting and fatigue. I think it's the stress of everything that's been going on lately."
"That wouldn't be too surprising," I replied.
"Yeah," James said. "Well, here, my Invisibility Cloak."
He handed me the light, silvery fabric. It slithered apart in my hands.
"Why do you want to see that?" Sirius asked me.
"Ollivander was speaking about Invisibility properties the other day. He mentioned that some cloaks are more durable than others and I thought of James' cloak. I remember you once told me it was handed down for generations," I said to James.
He nodded. "Yeah, it's considered something of a family heirloom."
"Spells don't work on it, either," Sirius commented. "At least, never did all those times McGonagall nearly caught us."
A true Invisibility Cloak, one that neither wears away nor betrays the owner.
"I see." I handed it back to James. "Well, I'm glad you have it. It puts my mind at ease."
"Yeah," James said. "And Alice and Frank just got a Vanishing Cabinet installed in their home."
Just then, the front door opened and James rushed forward to welcome Lily home.
"You feeling okay, Lilykins?" James asked, putting an arm around her shoulder as Lily entered the kitchen.
But Lily looked strangely distracted.
"Lily?" I questioned, but Lily didn't respond to me.
"Er- Lily," James said, looking a bit concerned.
"Has something happened?" Sirius asked loudly, standing up on his feet.
But Lily only turned to James and said in a strangled voice, "James, I'm- I'm pregnant."
Stunned, none of us breathed or blinked for a moment.
"James?" Lily said anxiously. "James? Say something, please. I'm losing my mind over here."
"Lily, I-" There were tears in James' eyes. "Lily, that's wonderful."
"Blimey-" Sirius started to say, but I immediately leaned over and clapped a hand over his mouth to shush him.
Lily and James began to embrace, but James immediately backed away, shouting, "No, the baby, the baby! We'll hurt him!"
Lily finally laughed, but with the laughter came tears.
Sirius pulled my hand off of his face but kept holding onto my wrist.
"I don't know what to do," Lily sighed. "Having a baby at a time like this. The Order can't afford to lose an agent."
"Lils, don't you dare worry about something like that. Now that our baby's on the way, I'll fight a hundred times harder. So don't cry." James wiped away Lily's tears and kissed the top of her head.
"When did you find out?" James asked.
"This morning, when I was at Molly's. I was sick for a bit and when Molly offered me food, I couldn't really keep it down. And I've been a bit bloated for a while now. Molly recognized the symptoms and took me to her cousin Lancelot at St. Mungo's. She even dragged all her kids with her." Lily laughed. "Molly is really a force to be reckoned with. Anyways, Lancelot confirmed. Apparently, I'm already eight weeks pregnant."
"Eight weeks!?" James suddenly turned stern. "And you've been running around after Death Eaters all this time. You need to rest starting now." He proceeded to gently but firmly guide her into the couch.
Half-laughing and half-annoyed, Lily tried to bat him away. "James, there's no need to be so cautious. From what Lancelot said, I only need to stay in bed a few days before and after birth."
"Nonsense, our little Harry needs to be safe and comfortable at all times," James said, laying a hand on Lily's still-flat stomach.
"Harry?" Lily said. "After your father?"
James blushed, realizing he'd said the name in his mind out loud. "Well, I was just thinking about it. If you don't like it..."
"No," Lily said, warmly taking James' hand. "It's wonderful. Harry if it's a boy."
Trying to leave inconspicuously, I took a step forward when I realized that Sirius was still holding onto my wrist.
Startled, we both jerked away our hands.
The sudden movement caught James' and Lily's attention.
"Sirius, you'll be godfather?" James said.
"What?" Sirius said, shocked. "Me, godfather?"
"Can't think of anyone who's had my back more times than you," James said, clapping a hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"But wouldn't someone like M-" Sirius cut himself off.
Moony? But Remus isn't here.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. Thanks, Prongs. I-wow." They hugged each other briefly.
"Well, congratulations to all of you," I said, smiling. I walked towards Lily and hugged her.
"Oh, but congratulations to you too," Lily said, taking both my hands.
"Wait, what?" I said.
Sirius blanched suddenly. "She-you- Lynx, you're not pregnant?"
"No, of course not!"
Lily laughed. "No, but you'll be our godmother, won't you?"
"Oh, but you've already got Sirius. Is it really necessary?"
Lily looked at me, and her eyes, though still happy, now had a tinge of knowing sorrow.
Yes, her eyes were saying. Yes, it is necessary. Any of us might die tomorrow, or even tonight.
I realized that I was also the safest choice as I was currently not on the front lines as often as Marlene or Dorcas.
I tried to smile. "It'd be my honor."
James and Sirius left to tell Peter the good news, and Alice, Marlene, and Dorcas came to us.
It had been a very long time since we'd all been together like this.
There was a lot of teasing and hugging and general laughter, but as the night wore on, Alice couldn't help but ask, "You guys really aren't mad at us? Our being pregnant really is a burden to the Order. And both of us at the same time."
Lily nodded. "It's really not the best time for the Order."
"Shut up," Marlene said. "The only mistake you're making is feeling guilty about this."
"That's right," Dorcas agreed. "And it's better this way. You guys can help each other out as needed."
"Besides, in the long run, we're not really fighting for the Order," I added. "We're fighting for the next generation and the simple happiness of life, like the birth of a new baby."
Alice took my hand and squeezed it and I knew that even though she was an Auror, an Order of the Phoenix fighter, a wife, and soon-to-be mother, she was still Alice Baker from that first year at Hogwarts. I hugged her to me, suddenly nostalgic for that past time, that lost time.
When we all got up to leave and traded hugs, I wrapped my arms around Dorcas and said, "Are you up for a challenge?"
Dorcas grinned and whispered back, "Is that even a question anymore?"
I followed Dorcas back to her flat, greeting Jay as we came in.
Jay nodded to me, his curly blonde hair rather a mess and his glasses slightly askew. I knew from the ink spots on his cuffs that he'd been writing again.
"Dorcas," he said.
"Hm?"
"Why do we suddenly have so many pastries in the house? I swear they're multiplying by the minute," Jay said, motioning at the kitchen counter.
I followed his hand to see a stack of bread bags, with various colorful labels.
Dorcas saw me eyeing them and laughed. "Have as many as you want. It's all about you, anyways."
I was confused by her remark, but remained quiet when she stuffed a raspberry chocolate croissant in my mouth.
"What's the challenge?" Dorcas asked me as we sat at the table.
I paused when Jay buried his nose in a book while waiting for the water to boil for tea.
"Oh, don't mind him," Dorcas said. "He reads well anywhere."
"What is he reading?" I asked.
Jay looked up from his book to address me. "It's a book on Mahayana Buddhism. Ever heard of it?"
"Faintly," I said, slightly embarrassed.
Dorcas rolled her eyes. "Don't talk to him. Talk to me. I tell you, he won't mind."
"I really don't," Jay said, smiling.
I turned back to Dorcas and said, "I need your help. I want to create a potion."
"Create? As in invent?"
"Yes."
"What sort of potion? A slightly upgraded healing potion? A disguising potion?" Dorcas suggested.
"No. It's a bit beyond that. It's... a potion that will stop werewolf transformations."
Dorcas looked at me as though I'd lost my mind. "A potion to stop werewolf transformations? You're not serious?"
Dorcas shook her head and leaned towards me. "Raylynx, that's near impossible. It's never been achieved in the history of potion-making. Not even the most famous alchemists have been able to invent such a potion. Not even close. "
"I know. That's why I want to try it, and why I need you to help."
"Why…?" Dorcas' eyes flickered. "You're doing this for Remus, aren't you?"
I looked back at her, astonished. "How did you know?"
"I found out, not long ago. It's the only explanation that fits his… consistent illness."
"Yes," I said quietly. "It's for Remus. I want to help him. But I don't want him to know what we're trying to do. I don't want him to think it's pity."
"Well," Dorcas sighed. "I'd love to help Remus, too. We'll try, but I can't promise anything, Ray."
"I know," I said.
"We may as well begin now."
Sirius' POV
"I'm going to be a dad," James said in awe, unconsciously running a hand through his hair.
"If you keep doing that to your hair, you'll be a bald father from day one." I grinned. "The kid'll take one look at you and scream that his father's a cueball."
James brought his hand down from his hair and began to nervously play around, folding and unfolding his fingers.
"When's the baby due?" Peter asked curiously.
"Dunno," James said. "But she said she's already eight weeks, so…"
"So, what does that mean?" I asked.
James blinked. "I have no idea. I've got no clue about pregnancy."
Peter grinned at James' bewildered look. "You should find out, Prongs. It's a big part of your life now."
"Yeah," James said. "Yeah, yeah, a kid. Gosh. A kid."
He stared out in front of him, his stomach turning in the happiest delight he'd ever experienced.
It was the happiest he'd felt in a long time, and the saddest, because he wished Remus would have been there to celebrate, and he wished his parents could have been around just a little longer. But still, his heart felt warm again and the small ember that had been extinguished from the rain on his parents' funeral flickered up again.
Raylynx's POV
I was sitting at Dorcas' table with Jay. Jay was writing while I worked on the formula for the werewolf potion. Over the past few weeks, I'd spent a lot of time with him as Dorcas and I tried to figure out the potion.
He coughed a few times, but I was too immersed in my work to notice. Finally, he said, "Raylynx."
"Yes?" I didn't look up from my scrawling away, just as he never looked away from his book when I spoke to him. It was an unspoken mutual contract of sorts.
"I have something to ask you." He sounded nervous. Finally, I put my quill down and looked at him. He wasn't looking at his book, but rather, staring at the table.
"Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong. It's just… Well. I ask you this because you're a good friend of Dorcas'."
"Yes?" I prompted.
The usual sharp confidence of his speech was gone, replaced by a nervous rhythm and thoughtful pauses.
"I was wondering if Dorcas ever spoke to you about marriage." His cheeks slowly turned pink, but he kept speaking. "Has she ever mentioned a desire to marry or perhaps revealed some sort-of plan for when she wants to marry?"
I couldn't help but smile. "I don't know about her plans exactly, but I do know it's you she wants to marry."
Jay turned bright red. Then, we heard the lock fit into the key, and the front door opened. Dorcas walked in, her umbrella dripping with rain. It was late summer, and the first autumn leaves had begun to turn. The air was strangely humid, as though choked with tears.
Jay got up from the table to greet her, kissing her softly. I smiled again. Dorcas held up another bag of pastries.
"Where are you getting these from?" Jay said, laughing exasperatedly. "Are you running some sort-of bread mafia?"
Dorcas simply laughed and swung it onto the counter. "It's the sugar fueling the brain power behind this project," she said, taking off her coat before coming over to sit with me. "Any luck so far?" she asked.
"I did as you suggested and applied the alchemic equations as derived from mind protection, such as Dreamless Sleep Potions, but I just can't fit it into the body section and the amount calculated for the output isn't high enough to be purifying, no matter how much I tweak the available numbers."
"Well, focus on the mind first, Raylynx. It'd be safer to have a human transform into a werewolf body and still keep his mind, then have him keep his human shape and have the mind of a werewolf."
I shuddered at the thought. "You're right."
"As for the output…" Dorcas pulled my papers towards her and looked over them. "Hm, you're right. The output isn't high enough with the available numbers. In fact, even if you maximize the numbers using theoretical values, it won't work."
"How do you know that?" I asked. Then, I realized. "Oh, Golapalott's Third Law, right. The antidote for a blended poison will be equal to more than the sum of the antidotes for each of the separate components."
"Exactly." Dorcas frowned. "Hm, that's a huge problem. It limits the entire function of the formula. We'll have to try a different approach."
We worked well into the night. Around three, Jay decided to go to bed, though not before handing us some pastries. When he handed me mine, we couldn't help but trade shy smiles.
Dorcas leaned back, stretching and yawning.
"Dorcas, have you ever thought about getting married?" I asked, biting into the sweet raisin bread.
Dorcas shrugged. "Well, Jay hasn't asked yet."
"Do you want him to?"
"Sure," Dorcas replied. "I'd love to, although I'd probably keep my last name."
"What about you?" Dorcas suddenly retorted. "You're the same age as the rest of us, you know."
I smiled wryly. "I think it's time to admit that I'm not going to be romantically involved with anybody." In a joking voice, I quipped, "I hardly attract male attention."
"That's not true," Dorcas said pointedly.
I looked at her. Her tone had not been the usual one of trying to make me feel better about myself. It sounded as though she actually knew something that I didn't. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Before I answer your question, tell me, have you had any luck with Marlene?" Dorcas questioned.
I sighed. "No. I've tried visiting her multiple times, and it's not as though she's rude or anything, but she won't talk about what's really bothering her. I just can't get her to be honest with me. And I can't seem to figure it out on my own. "
"It's jealously," Dorcas answered abruptly. "Marlene is jealous of you. She always has been, you know."
"Jealous? Jealous of what, exactly?"
"You know Sirius is the one buying me all this bread?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"He does it to make sure I won't tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"That he has feelings for you."
"No," I said immediately. "You're joking."
"Am not," Dorcas replied swiftly, crumpling her empty bread bag.
My mind had stopped working. After all these years…
But I knew that what Dorcas said was true. It was what I had been suspecting, but almost didn't want to believe. Because any chance Sirius and I had for a normal relationship was impossible in the current circumstances.
"That git!" I nearly yelled. "He had all those years at Hogwarts and he chooses now- now, when we-"
"Wait a minute," Dorcas interjected, frowning. "What about all those years at Hogwarts? You didn't like him then, did you?"
I gulped. "Er, well, yes, I suppose I had a slight thing for him."
"What? Since when?"
"I don't- I don't exactly remember."
"It's so far back you don't remember? Merlin." Dorcas shook her head. "How did I not know about this?"
"No, don't answer that," she said suddenly. "It's my fault. All of us are at fault, really."
"What are you talking about, Dorcas?" I said. "You never knew because I never told you. It's simple."
"Sure, except we never exactly took your side, did we?" Dorcas said, looking at me with a trace of guilt in her eyes. "We never made you feel safe enough to tell us."
I looked over at Dorcas. "What are you saying? You didn't know because I was never brave enough to tell you about my feelings," I repeated. "Hogwarts was a difficult time for me. Not that this war is any easier, but I was so unsure of myself at Hogwarts."
"But we should have been helping you, not silencing you," Dorcas replied.
When I started to shake my head to refuse her words, Dorcas said knowingly, "We always sided with Marlene. Always. Me worst of all, because I understood Marlene the most."
"I have to confess that something has been bothering me all of these years," Dorcas continued. "During the TriWizard Tournament, even those we all chided Marlene for treating you badly, we ultimately let Marlene have her way with you because she was struggling with her family situation and with Sirius. But, I knew then, and I know now, that we should have been by your side. Not just because your situation was even more difficult than Marlene's, but because you deserved our loyalty and our support. As it were, you were strong enough that our friendship remained despite that, but it was wrong of us. I'm so sorry for how I acted, Ray."
Astonished, I said, "Dorcas, I know you, Alice, and Lily were doing your best to help us both. It was just an impossible situation between Marlene and me. Nobody did anything wrong. We were just young and foolish, and didn't know how to handle our problems maturely. So, I don't hold any grudges against you or anyone else."
"I know you don't." Dorcas sighed. "All the more reason to have treasured your friendship instead of always just reassuring myself that you were okay just because you were good at being strong."
For some strange reason, there were tears growing in my eyes. Maybe it was because Dorcas was acknowledging the hardships that I had by now forfeited any chance of claiming recognition for.
"Don't hold back this time," Dorcas said sternly. "I love Marlene to death, but this time, I want to protect you."
"Dorcas…" I said softly.
Dorcas smiled warmly at me. "Ray, I don't think I've ever told you how much your friendship means to me."
Sirius' POV
I knocked on Marlene's door. It was pouring rain, and I'd just trekked from the bakery shop at which I'd met Dorcas to Marlene's house. I could have just Apparated, I suppose, but after Dorcas told me about how hard a time Raylynx was having trying to mend ties with Marlene, I felt like a long walk in the rain would help clear my head. I breathed deeply. I'd never done anything like this before.
The door opened. It was Marlene.
"Sirius," she said, surprised.
"Can I come in?"
We sat awkwardly at the table.
I cleared my throat and turned to her. "Look, I heard that you're still not happy with Raylynx."
Marlene didn't respond.
"I wanted to ask if you could try to consider her feelings and at least hear her out," I said a little uncomfortably. I really was rubbish at expressing these sorts of things.
Marlene closed her eyes as though trying to control herself before slowly opening them again. "Sirius, you are the king of arses. Do you seriously think this will persuade me to feel more sympathetic with Raylynx? It only makes it harder to face her."
"I'm not just trying to persuade you," I said, surprising myself with my honesty. "Listen, I know I wasn't the best to you. I should have been more reliable, and more considerate. I'm sorry."
Marlene was quiet for a moment before she asked, "What made you realize that? Why apologize now?"
"Because I know that I have to change to protect everyone in this war, and because I can't be the same person I was at Hogwarts if I want to protect Raylynx."
"Since when did you like her?"
I shrugged, uncomfortable with the question. "I don't know. I never really noticed her before. I was so self-absorbed, having fun with James, Remus, and Peter. I was obsessed with feeling free, trying to liberate myself from my damned pureblood reputation."
"That's true," Marlene said. "The four of you were always trying to pull another stupid prank. You barely noticed me sometimes, and you certainly didn't notice Raylynx."
"I'd say that of all of our friendships, you and Raylynx were by far the most distant," Marlene recalled. "That's why it's so strange to me that you notice her now."
"Believe me, I didn't plan on it, either," I replied dryly. "Although.." I hesitated.
"Although?" Marlene prompted.
It was strange, all these things I was confessing in front of Marlene I was also admitting to myself for the first time.
"Some part of me thinks that I've always felt some kind of way about her. I mean, I was so strict about not allowing myself to pay any attention to her. I didn't let myself care about her. Anyone else, I could control how and when to care for them, but she was different. From the very beginning. But I convinced myself it was because she was so dull, so boring. It's only recently that I've started to realize that lie won't work anymore."
"You're right," Marlene said. "Over the years, I've realized that Raylynx is always focused on the future, and not on what's in front of her. That's why she will never be popular, but she will never lose sight of what is most important to her. It's a strength I've never been able to emulate. I get so distracted, caught by social expectations. I would- I have- traded my principles for small moments of recognition."
"We all have," I said quietly.
"Yes," Marlene said softly. "But Raylynx doesn't compromise on what she believes is the path to the right future. I used to be so frustrated with her. I wanted her to show emotion the way I did, and give in to temptations, the way I did. But she just waited for me to get out of that phase and move on, and when I finally caught up to her, I realized she had been quietly working towards the things that really matter in life."
Marlene sighed heavily. "I'm not angry with Raylynx. I'm angry at myself. How can I let emotions like jealously control me like this? She deserves better from me. I don't know you to tell me that. I know. I've known for a long time."
"But don't you see, Sirius? She looked at me with a pained expression. "You're making it harder for me."
"Sorry," I said, ashamed.
"I don't want you to apologize," she said softly, her eyes on the table before her.
"Take care of yourself, Marlene," I said quietly, standing up. "And for what it's worth- I am sorry." I bowed my head, in both regret and shame, and it was with a heavy heart that I left her house.
