Raylynx's POV

However, the night shift never happened.

Instead, I woke up to see Sirius sitting beside me. He looked very, very grim, with the corners of his mouth turned down.

I opened my mouth, about to ask him why he was here and if he possibly stop sneaking into my house when I was unconscious, but he spoke first, murmuring quietly, "You chose a bad time to wake up."

Confused, I sat up, and asked him, "What do you mean?"

Then, I heard sobs from the living room. "Sirius, who else is here?"

"Lily and James," Sirius said. "Remus, too."

"Why?" I asked, fear bubbling in my chest. "Why would they be here?"

"Your house hasn't been used for guard duty in a while, so we figured it was the safest," Sirius explained, his voice a dead monotone.

"You needed somewhere safe? Why?" I thought of the prophecy and said hastily, "Did someone target Alice and Frank already?"

Sirius shook his head. "It's just that… Well-" His voice choked. "Perhaps it's better if you…" He held his hands together tightly and tried to breathe in. He was evidently at a loss for words, so I got up and headed to the living room. He didn't come after me.

Lily was sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, crying her heart out on James' shoulder. Remus was shivering slightly, sitting upright on a rocking chair besides them. Even when I entered the room, he didn't move.

"What is it?" I asked, drawing attention to myself. "What's happened?"

Remus didn't turn around, but Lily and James turned to look at me.

"R-Rayly," Lily choked out, then burst into tears again.

"Lils," James gently shushed her, but Lily gave a wrenching sob and cried out, "She was the one who made that nickname up!"

"What?" I snapped. "Marlene? Is this about Marlene? Is she hurt?"

"Sirius didn't say?" James said wearily.

I shook my head. "Tell me, James."

James sighed. I thought I saw a tear fall from his eye and trickle down the side of his face. "Marlene's dead. Not just her, but her family as well. Death Eaters invaded her home. She was still recovering and was trying to protect her baby brother. But the whole McKinnon family was slaughtered."

The tears would not come, but a curtain fell over my eyes and I stumbled forward, catching myself on the edge of the couch.

"Raylynx!" James started to get up to help me.

"How… How could this have happened?" I asked, my voice breathless. My own voice seemed to sound from far away. My mind strangled itself, not wanting to understand what it had just been told.

"We tried our best, Ray, really we did," Lily said tearfully. "But with Alice, Frank, James, and I going into hiding-"

"Wait a minute," I said, and I felt a dim flame begin to burn in my mind. "You knew." I looked at James and Lily, and then at Remus, and realized why Remus wouldn't move. He was being eaten alive by anger and remorse and self-blame.

"You knew Marlene and her family were in danger," I realized. "That's why you had shifts at her house. You and Alice both. You knew, and you didn't tell me or Remus or Sirius."

James looked pained and Lily looked frightened, but for a moment, I couldn't stand it. "We could have helped to protect them and you… you didn't let us."

"It's not like that!" Lily blurted out. "It wasn't! Ray, please-"

I felt this awful biting sarcasm build in me. "You know how I feel? I feel like I don't even have the right to cry. Because what did I do to protect her? Nothing."

"It couldn't be helped," Lily whispered. "We were doing our best."

Finally, Remus stood up. In a detached voice, he said to me, "Now is not the time to make things worse. Let's go."

He grasped my arm and guided me make to my room. Sirius was no longer there.

I sat on the bed and Remus sat wearily in the chair.

I bit my lip and looked away, blinking furiously. I was trying to hold back the words and the tears.

Marlene was right, it doesn't make any sense. Why is she dead when I'm the one everyone didn't trust? Where was I anyways? What was so important that I wasn't there to save her? Why couldn't I protect her? Why can't I protect anyone I love? What more do I have to do? How long do I have to stand by and watch the ones I love most get slaughtered, one by one? How could it be that I didn't lift a single finger to prevent her death? Or Julian's? Or Professor Maudrick's? Or my mother's? Or my father's? Don't I have the right to be strong for the people I love? Can't I love somebody and show them that? Can't I save anyone?


Remus' POV

I felt numb, that whole time.

Ever since I realized that they had kept that information from us, I felt blame and guilt eating away at me like acid.

But then, when Raylynx and I had both retreated into her room and sat down, I saw her lower lip start to tremble. She didn't make a sound, but I saw the way she was shaking with unspoken anger and unshed tears.

"I'm here for you," I wanted to say, but all that came out was, "Raylynx."

She didn't turn around. She only said in a dead voice, "She never did forgive me. I should have gone after her and apologized. Why didn't I? Why was I always making her come to me? She must have died resenting me because I never did show her I was by her side," Raylynx said, and her voice broke at the end.

"Raylynx," I said, and the warmth I felt for her filtered into my voice. "Whatever it was, Marlene already forgave you. You didn't have to ask for an apology to receive her acceptance. She already knew, was already ahead of you, ahead of everyone. Because that's the wonderful kind of person she was."

At this, Raylynx turned to face me and I saw the cascade of silent tears wavering at the edges of her eyes.

I reached over and took her hand and squeezed it.

She tried to offer me a smile, but failed.

However, she did say, "Don't just try to heal me, Remus. Aren't you feeling guilty about this, too? I know you, always blaming yourself. But you must know, this wasn't your fault."

I tried to hide my expression, but her words had caught me off guard and the pain showed through on my face.

"Remus, it's all right to hurt," Raylynx said softly.

We stayed like that in silence for a long time. Just hurting.

"Why don't you sleep, Raylynx? You look exhausted," I said.

"I don't want to close my eyes right now. I'll only see things I don't want to see."

Finally, I sat beside her on the bed and I tried to get her to sleep by singing my grandmother's lullaby to her.

"If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the skies. While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, crying to the moon, if only, if only…"

We fell silent. Neither of us slept, though. I stared numbly into the darkness and she cried silently, her glassy eyes seeing nothing as the tears she refused to let fall welled up in her eyes over and over again.


Raylynx's POV

Since they happened so close together, Dorcas' funeral and the McKinnons' funeral were held together. These dual funerals were almost something of a trend in the Order recently.

I stood in front of Marlene's grave, a strange mixture of numbness and grief gripping me.

I can't make amends anymore, except by living the rest of my life in a way you would approve of. So what would you say to me, Marlene? What would you have me do?


A couple days later, I still had late night shift at Hogsmeade a couple days later. I had just finished checking in with Aberforth, but I was still at the bar, lost in thought.

I'm leaving tomorrow. After all, I can't be on night shift forever.

I had made my amends already. I had apologized to Lily and James about my behavior the other day, visited Sola and Jamie to make sure they were doing all right, and sent in my resignation at Ollivander's. Of course, I hadn't explicitly told anyone that I was going yet, and I planned to keep it that way except for one person.

"Lynx?"

Upon hearing his voice, a wave of intense regret welled up inside of me. I turned to the person who called my name, keeping my face as expressionless as possible.

"Sirius," I murmured.

Sirius. The last person I wanted to see because he was the person hardest to part with. Strange. We had been nothing to each other for so long. I had thought, and hoped,in my deepest heart of hearts, that we could be something: something shy, something genuine- like our hands cautiously touching. But now, that future was lost, if it had stood a real chance.

"And since when were you into drinking? Last time I checked, you were a total lightweight," Sirius commented, slipping into the seat next to me. He was trying to joke, but his voice was struggling to break its monotone and his eyes were tired and haunted.

"Well, a lot's changed since then," I commented, turning away from him.

It's not you. The one person I'll allow myself to say good-bye to isn't you. Because if I told you, and you asked me to stay, I don't think I could ever let go of you. And I have to leave. I have to do my part. I can no longer stand aside and do nothing, the way I did when Marlene was killed.

"Can't argue with that," Sirius said grimly. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," I said, rather brusquely. I shoved the coins onto the bar and started to leave. Sirius, taken aback by my sudden show of defensiveness, came after me, grasping my arm.

"Where're you going, taking off so suddenly?" he asked me, worried. I thought he would sound angry, but he only sounded concerned.

My eyes grew wet, but I steadfastly looked away from Sirius.

"What's gotten into you?" Sirius asked, drawing closer to me.

"Stand aside, Sirius," I said, and I gently pushed him away.

Sirius replied, "You won't get anywhere keeping things all bottled up like this."

I kept my eyes down.

"Will you at least look at me?" Sirius asked me, and his frustration was starting to leak into his voice.

"Please just stand aside."

Sirius stared at me for a long, heavy moment before sighing deeply and stepping aside.

I quickly stepped outside, drawing my cloak around me. Even though it was a perfectly warm night, I shivered. Every star looked cold and accusing tonight. Again, that voice echoed cruelly in my mind. Why is it only you that is still alive? Because you did nothing.

Back in the pub, Sirius stood still in the spot I'd left him, brow furrowed. She had asked him to leave her alone, and he knew he should respect his request. And yet, he knew that Raylynx had a terrible habit of not asking for help when she needed it. And once again, the image of her standing in front of the fireplace with her hand, holding chocolates, was outstretched to Remus and it was trembling. She hadn't told anyone. She hadn't told a single person about how she had been cursed that night. Sirius felt torn. With a low growl, he made up his mind, and went chasing after her, accidentally knocking into someone in his hurry to get to the door.

"Lad, you had best keep to yourself!" the man who was knocked over started to shout, but Sirius was already gone.

I had only made it halfway down the corridor when Sirius caught up to me. He leapt lithely in front of me to block my path. Unstable and paranoid, I gasped and drew my wand. Sirius stared at my wand, pointed straight at his neck, with wide eyes for a moment. Then, his fingers wrapped securely around my wrist and he directly the wand away from his face.

"Control yourself before you take out someone's eye," he grumbled.

"I asked you to step aside," I said, my voice shaking. "To let me go."

"Well, you didn't get very far," Sirius said dryly.

I pulled my hand away from him and stowed away my wand.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" I asked, unsure of whether I was speaking to Sirius or to the voice in my mind.

"I'm not sure," Sirius said, his eyebrows drawing together. "But I thought that, maybe, you felt the same for me. At least a little."

He gently reached for my hand, and his fingers touched mine hesitantly.

"Raylynx, you can talk to me, you know," Sirius said quietly.

I was starting to falter. I felt so tired, both in body and mind. The willpower it would take to walk away from this was too much.

But I tried. I stepped away and in a pained voice, I begged, "Just go away, Sirius, please."

"Why?" he asked me. "What are you planning to do that forces you to be alone?"

Then, he paused. He thought of the conversation that we had before, when he had chided me for trying to find Dumbledore's faults, and how I had told him that my path may not run together with the Order's.

"Don't do this," Sirius warned, his voice suddenly urgent. "Don't run away."

"Sirius, please," I said, pleading silently with him not to think too deeply about it, not to discover my plan.

"Lynx-"

"I'll do what I must," I said, my voice clenched. Anger stirred in my voice.

Sirius' own impatience rose in response to mine. "I'm just trying to watch out for you."

"I didn't ask you to," I said curtly, turning away from him.

"Merlin, are we back to that again?" Sirius said in disbelief. He sighed audibly.

"Yes, we are! Why? Does that bother you?" I retorted roughly. "Is it because, as you say, most people say thank you? But I'm not most people, and this is not a normal situation. We are at war, Sirius, and I have a job to do!"

"I know that! You think you have to tell me that?" Sirius said, and his voice rose to match mine. We were both nearly yelling. "But you don't have to do it all by yourself. I thought I made it clear that you should include other people in your life-"

He suddenly cut off. "You're crying," he said softly.

I hadn't noticed myself. Startled, I hastily wiped my face with the sleeve of my robe. But Sirius had already reached out to dry my tears.

Our hands met, and I paused. I looked up at him, and my heart stopped. I've loved you for so long. How am I supposed to walk away now, when I finally have a chance with you?

Sirius leaned down and his lips met mine. My lips parted and I breathed out softly, not quite able to believe what was happening. He shifted closer to me and kissed me more deeply. His hands found my waist and as he pulled me closer, I felt myself fit against his body, like I was meant to be there. It was such a safe and warm feeling.

This is what I was afraid of. If I got too close to this man, I would never want to let him go.

Because he's fire in a cold, cold world.

I felt his hand slowly brush against my neck and then press gently against my cheek. His hand felt like flame against my skin.

We drew back from each other slightly, though he was still holding me.

Sirius was breathing rather hard, like he'd run somewhere.

I looked up at him with still-wet eyes.

"You have no idea how long I wanted to do that," he said finally.

You have no idea how long I wanted you to do that.

My hands were curled up against his chest. I opened my hands and pressed them against his chest.

I want to stay with you. In the midst of this chaos we're in, I want to try to make something meaningful with you. But I just... can't.

I felt Sirius stiffen, and I realized I had said the last words allowed. I softly pushed him back.

"Lynx?"

"See? A nickname," I said weakly, trying to hold myself together.

"What?" he said, puzzled.

"I told you that you had a nickname for me," I said, trying to sound like I was teasing him. But my voice was so sad, even to my ears. I fervently wished that he had never kissed me or held me. I felt so cold, now, much colder than I have been before he'd embraced me because his good-natured heart and overwhelming passion warmed me in a way I could never warm myself.

Sirius gave me a confused smile. It was a shy smile, a genuine smile.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Lynx," he said softly.

I nodded, and watched him leave.

He left to report to Aberforth, although what he was going to say, I didn't know. So far as I was aware, sharing a tender kiss with your partner was not part of patrol protocol.

"Take care, Sirius," I whispered into the night air. I hope when the chance comes for us to meet again, we're both still alive.


I sent a Patronus to Remus, who was on guard shift for Hogwarts tonight, before slipping down into the Shrieking Shack. After his shift, Remus slipped down to meet me.

"Raylynx? What's going-?" He stopped when he saw my face. "Are you all right?"

I ignored his question. "Remus, do you know what an Unbreakable Vow is?"

"I've heard my father mention it once. If you break it, you die," Remus replied. "Why are you asking me this?"

I paused, readying myself to say the words.

Remus shook his head in confusion and said, "Raylynx, I don't understand. Why are you talking about-?"

"Let's make one," I said to him.

"What?" Remus stared at me, utterly dumbfounded. "You want to make an Unbreakable Vow with me?"

"Yes."

"Why? What would we even vow?"

"I'm willing to bet my life that you are not a traitor and will never be a traitor. Are you willing to bet the same on me?"

"Of course," he answered, without hesitation.

"Then let's make a vow. So that no matter what happens, we know that we can trust each other."

"Is this necessary?" Remus asked weakly. "Isn't it enough to be in the Order together? I see you almost every day, Raylynx."

"We won't always see each other every day, Remus," I said, my mouth going dry at the end.

I saw Remus' mind put the pieces together. Why else would I need a vow that would work over distance?

"Are you leaving the Order, Raylynx?"

I stood quiet for a moment before I answered, "Yes."

"Raylynx," Remus said weakly, "think this through a bit. Think about the impact it will have on the others."

"That's why I'm not telling anyone about my leaving," I replied. "I know it will delay people's realization that I've left, but I hope that by then, Dumbledore will have offered his own solution."

"You haven't told anyone?" Remus said. "Not even Lily or Alice?"

"No, because I don't want to make a scene. It's not my intention to disrupt the Order," I said. "I'm only telling you."

"You're only telling me," Remus repeated softly. "Why is that?"

"Because that is the kind of relationship we have- a relationship of trust," I replied. "Remus, when you left and didn't return until you had found your own place in London, I realized that supporting someone isn't an excuse to be overbearing or to force them into positions that you think is best for them."

"Raylynx, I didn't leave because of you," Remus told me.

"Perhaps," I said, "but your leaving made me realize that trust has to go beyond what you can offer someone in the moment. It also means letting someone go when they have to do something for themselves."

Remus was silent for a moment. Finally, he asked, "Why now, though? What is it that you have to do, Raylynx?"

I knew I owed Remus an explanation, but I didn't know what to say. Elgar's words played in my mind: "It is a terrible, terrible thing, to be unable to protect your aim in living. Don't let it happen to you."

I tried to reveal my honest feelings, telling him, "Remus, when Lily said to me through her tears that she's trying her best, she means it. But I'm not doing my best. I'm staying here because it's comfortable to be with friends, even though I'm of no use to any of you. But I can't anymore. I used to think it would be enough if I was willing to sacrifice for you, but now I know it's not. I have to act on it. I have to actively protect the people I care about. And I can no longer stay in an organization the distrusts me, and restrains what I can do on the basis of unfounded fear. I've had enough of waiting on the sidelines."

Remus looked at me, with doubt still etched across his face.

"This is my war, too," I continued. "They slaughtered my family and they killed my friends. I cannot-" Emotion overwhelmed me and I broke off and looked away before I finished, "I'd rather stand alone than stand still."

Remus stood still before me and I could read in his eyes the battle that was being played out. Finally, he held out his hand.

I grasped it, and then drew my wand with my other hand. I pointed my wand at our interlocking hands.

"Technically we need a Bonder, but I've revised the spell," I explained. "Are you ready?"

Remus nodded.

"Do you, Remus John Lupin, solemnly swear to remain loyal to the cause of defeating the Dark Lord no matter where you venture and of keeping safe our beloved friends Lily Potter, James Potter, Alice Longbottom, Frank Longbottom, and Sirius Black, unless in the case that one of them betrays you first?"

"I do. And do you, Raylynx Kingsley, solemnly swear to remain loyal to the cause of defeating the Dark Lord no matter where you venture and of keeping safe our beloved friends Lily Potter, James Potter, Alice Longbottom, Frank Longbottom, and Sirius Black, unless in the case that one of them betrays you first?"

"I do. And I always will."

A jet of red light slithered around both our hands and wove into itself a chain until finally the light disappeared.

"Remus, you can't tell the others. I'm sorry to put this burden on you, but you can't tell them anything. I don't wish to disrupt the Order any more than necessary."

Remus nodded. "I understand."

Then, Remus abruptly pulled me into his arms and held me. "Stay safe, Raylynx."

"Take care of yourself, Remus," I whispered and kissed his cheek. "Thank you. Thank you for so kindly letting me go."

Then, I turned and slipped into the tunnel back to the Whomping Willow.


"Ms. Kingsley. And to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Headmaster," I said, stepping forward to his desk, where he sat. My eyes fell on the Invisibility Cloak, James' Invisibility Cloak, atop his desk.

I placed a shabby book on top of it and said hollowly, "Congratulations. One more Hallow until you're Master of Death."

Dumbledore recognized the book as The Tales of Beedle the Bard and his eyes flickered up to me immediately, but he kept any expression of surprise or emotion from appearing in his demeanor.

"An interesting proposition," he said calmly. "The Tale of the Three Brothers is a magical tale indeed, but tell me, why do you approach me with a fairy tale in the dead of the night?"

"To say my honest opinion."

"Which is?"

"I don't think someone who wants to be Master of Death should hold power over the life of all my loved ones," I said bluntly. Even as I spoke, I felt an irrepressible anger grow inside of me.

"An honest remark, indeed," Dumbledore said quietly and for a minute, his blue eyes looked saddened. "But I'm afraid I cannot step down. This position against Lord Voldemort has come to me, and it would be dishonorable to reject it."

"I know," I said. "I don't want you to abandon your post."

"I see. You are leaving yours."

We both fell silent, and I could see Dumbledore trying to read me. I felt his piercing blue eyes surveying me, but I resisted his attempts at Occulumency.

"Is this your response to grief?" Dumbledore finally asked. "Do you wish to run away-?"

"Run away? You think I'm running away?" I said angrily, cutting off Dumbledore. Sparks flew from my wand tip. Dumbledore fell silent for a moment. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I gripped my wand carefully pointed it away from my cloak, lest it catch on fire.

"Then what will you do?" Dumbledore asked me.

"There are things you don't know about, Headmaster," I said, feeling a strange sense of anger and pride overcome me. "Things about Voldemort you couldn't dream of."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and his gaze hardened.

"I'm leaving to pursue that which strengthens him and destroy it," I said savagely, and as I said that, I felt my wand cry out in my hand and it cracked, splitting into two. I stared at it in awe.

"Be careful, Raylynx, that you are not consumed by the same darkness you desire to defeat," Dumbledore warned, gazing at my wand.

He frowned and then said quietly, "When I first came to know you, you were pure- what one might call an iridescent soul. You have suffered too much to be the same soul now."

"What of your soul, Dumbledore?" I argued. "Murder rips the soul apart."

"Murder?"

"Your sister. Ariana."

Dumbledore's eyes flashed like lightning. "I did not murder Ariana. I never would, not in a million lifetimes. In a duel between myself, Aberforth, and Grindelwald, she stepped in and-" Dumbledore sighed deeply and closed his eyes. "She only wanted to help."

"But perhaps you are right," he whispered, and for a moment, he looked stripped of all his wisdom and glory. Suddenly, he was but an old, old man, worn out from a long, hard life, but with an impossible and devastating mission still ahead of him. "Perhaps… Perhaps I cast the spell that took her life."

I saw in him the worst sort-of grief, the sort-of grief mingled with guilt over loss of family. A grief you could never truly overcome. I took leave of Dumbledore, running down the gargoyle steps, running out of the Hogwarts castle, running, running, running into a black August night.

Maybe I am running away.