Remus' POV
Sirius came around five, holding a bag of greasy takeout from some weird stand in Diagon Alley.
We were quiet, neither of us really wanting to talk about the Order or Raylynx.
Raylynx came around seven. When she stepped in, Sirius' mouth formed a thin line. But neither of them addressed the other.
As tense as the atmosphere was, they had decided, without saying anything, to put aside their differences for me, and for that, I was truly grateful.
About an hour before the moon rose, we jumped the fence surrounding the woods just behind the apartment and made our way deep into the forest.
This was where I usually transformed.
If I transformed in the apartment… I shuddered to think of what would happen to my neighbors.
The nerves started to hit me as we kept walking into the dark forest.
Don't get your hopes up, Remus. Remember all those awful experiments that failed when you were younger?
Yes, but if this potion really does what Raylynx says it does, it would change my life. I won't have to lose my mind once a month. How can I not be hopeful, when so much depends on this potion?
And it's Raylynx. I trust her.
Finally, we came to a part of the forest cut off by the river.
"Here we are," I said, my voice quivering slightly.
Raylynx looked up at the sky, narrowing her eyes a bit to see through the tree branches up to the moon.
"Right, it's time," she said. I swallowed hard. She uncapped the phial and handed it to me.
What if something went wrong? What if it didn't work and I'd let two of my best friends into the forest with an untamable werewolf at night? Sirius might be an Animagus, but what about Raylynx? It was a bad idea to bring her all the way out here.
"It's not great-tasting," she warned, handing it to me.
"I can't tell the difference right now," I said honestly and gulped it down.
"Here." Sirius pulled out a bar of chocolate and handed it to me.
"Sirius, I really can't taste-"
"It's not about the taste. Just eat it. It'll make you feel better."
I recognized that he was quoting me, from all the times I've shoved chocolate at him because I couldn't find the proper words to apologize or comfort him with.
I smiled wanly and bit off a bit of chocolate.
Then, I started to feel that awful tension in my bones.
"Get away from here," I warned, gritting my teeth. "Get away now!"
Sirius turned to Raylynx and said, "Get out of here. Stay in Remus' apartment."
"No, we won't know whether the potions works for Remus or not unless he confronts a human," Raylynx argued back.
"No…" I said weakly, horrified.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "What am I, a rock? Plus I can morph into a dog whereas you-"
"Morphing won't be quick enough if an attack happens," Raylynx pointed out. "You should transform now, and we both need to be ready if this fails."
"Raylynx, I really don't think-" I started to say, sweat starting to form on my face.
Raylynx grasped my hand warmly. "Remus, don't worry. It's going to work. It's going to be successful."
"This is far too risky!" Sirius countered angrily.
Suddenly, the bright silver light of an exposed full moon filtered down through the trees.
Raylynx squeezed my hand one more time before she backed away from me and drew out her wand.
My vision started growing hazy. The colors fell out of the world, and then suddenly, I could see sharper than ever. Darkness no longer limited my vision, it enhanced it. My limbs began to stretch and shrink. It felt like a saw was going through my joints and bones being broken. I let out a scream, only my mouth worked differently and a long howl sounded out of my snout instead.
When the pain of the transformation finally stopped, I dropped on all fours. I blinked. Immediately, the scent of a human overpowered all over senses. I snarled, feeling the predator instinct kick in, except-
I paused, confused. I shook my head and growled.
What is this? This second voice…
I stopped in my tracks when I realized what that voice was.
It's me. The real me. Remus Lupin.
I felt so overwhelmed by both fear and joy. Fear, because for the first time, I was fully conscious that I was a werewolf. I was completely sentiment, and my nightmare was only that much more confirmed. But at the same time- I could control myself. I could remember who I was.
I shivered with emotion.
"Remus?" A voice sounded loudly in front of me.
I looked up. There was the human, standing some thirty yards away. But I could hear her clear as a bell.
No, there was Raylynx.
I carefully, slowly trotted over to her.
A bear-like dog- Sirius- also joined us, watching me intently.
"Remus, you can hear me, can't you?" Raylynx said hesitantly, watching me.
I looked up at her and whined softly.
I can hear you.
Sirius let out a huff, dog's sigh of relief. Raylynx's face broke into a joyous smile. She dropped to her knees and hugged me.
"It's you!" she whisper-shouted.
My ears twinged a little. She was still too loud for it to be comfortable. She also smelled really tasty-
Stop that. Control it, I thought to myself. And amazingly, I could.
"All right, I need to calm down," Raylynx said, talking to herself. "I'm just so thankful that it worked."
She looked at me and Sirius and smiled a little before she said, "You guys can go play. I'll be in Remus', if that's all right."
I nodded and then turned to Sirius.
He barked joyfully and jumped towards me playfully, his tail wagging a hundred miles an hour.
We bounded through the woods together, and for a moment, I almost imagined that we were in the Forbidden Forest again: four ridiculously immature boys adventuring in the dead of night in animal forms, bounding through the forest without a single care in the world.
Sirius' POV
Running around in the woods with Moony was great. I wish Prongs and Wormtail had gone along with us, too, especially Prongs. Merlin knows how cooped up he felt in that house after a whole year. But I was rather nervous that Raylynx might leave again while we were romping around, so it was a relief when dawn finally broke out and Moony transformed back into himself. I helped him get back to the apartment, in awe that he'd made it back by himself all those times before. Even though he kept his consciousness, the transformation itself wreaked havoc on his body.
To my relief, Raylynx was sleeping on Remus' couch-bed thing, curled up in the midst of a few blankets. On the table was breakfast, with toast and bacon and eggs and tea. It was all slightly cold, but Remus and I ate it all anyways. We moved around very quietly, but when Remus coughed a little, Raylynx was up in a flash. It was sort-of funny. Her hair was a mess and she shot up out of the covers like someone had shocked her.
"Sorry," Remus said meekly.
"Are you all right?" Raylynx said, hurriedly getting up and approaching Remus. She realized how tired he looked and said in a rush, "I'm sorry. I realize that it's not perfect. It only prevents the mind from turning, but it doesn't help with the physical transformation at all."
"Raylynx, you're not seriously apologizing?" Remus said incredulously. "The fact that I was able to keep my mind last night is… I couldn't explain to you in words what it meant."
"Did it work the whole night?" Raylynx asked.
"Yes, definitely," Remus said. He smiled a bit and said, "I know for sure because I was feeling sentimental at sunrise, and werewolves definitely don't feel that."
"They're not on the market quite yet, but the work will be published soon and until then, these phials should last you," Raylynx said. "If not, I'll send you some from wherever I am."
"Thank you," Remus said sincerely. He paused and then asked, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get involved in a project like this?"
Raylynx hesitated and then replied, "Look at the acknowledgements at the end of the published paper. I think you'll recognize some of the names there."
Her eyes flickered over to me and she said uncertainly, "Well, I'm off. Take care, Remus, and…" She cleared her throat softly as she looked at me.
I held my breath.
She bit her lip and then abruptly turned away and left the room.
I hesitated. My hands curled into fists on my knees. I felt torn: my anger at Raylynx and my wounded pride from her having left me without even a good-bye kept me from chasing after her, but I wanted to speak with her and ask her if she was all right. Upon seeing her, I knew, with complete certainty, that my feelings had not changed for her despite the fact that more than a year had gone by without seeing her.
I breathed out. She's likely gone by now. I meant to tell her that I missed her, and to ask her to stay, but all I did was push her away again.
"Damn it, I'm such an idiot," I groaned, leaning forward and clutching my head in my hands.
"You are an idiot," Remus agreed tiredly. He got up from the table and dragged himself to his bed, where he flopped over.
He put his hand over his eyes to shield himself from the sunlight filtering through the broken slabs of his window blinds. The morning after the full moon, Remus' eyes were quite sensitive to the harsh sunlight.
"Pads," he called to me softly, "do you still have feelings for her?"
I nodded.
A moment later, Remus said wryly, "Sirius, I can't see you with my eyes shut. You're going to have to use words."
"Yes," I said.
"Even now?"
Pushing aside my pride, I admitted quietly, "Yes."
"Then go," Remus mumbled. "Go after her."
I paused, confused. My mind still felt scattered.
"Go!" Remus chided me.
With a loud screech of the chair from getting up too fast, I rose from the table and bolted out the door.
Raylynx's POV
My emotions were in a bit of a mess as I walked down the streets towards the spot where I was hidden away from view enough to safely Disapparate.
Why couldn't I bring myself to say goodbye to Sirius? I could have ended it neatly just then.
Because, a softer voice whispered, I don't want it to be the last time I see him.
Thought you already decided, thought you were going to be strong, another voice in my head said accusingly.
Suddenly, I heard hurried footsteps racing towards me.
A familiar, exasperated voice rang out, saying, "Raylynx Kingsley, you better not Disapparate! You wait for me, right there."
"Sirius! What are you doing?"
He caught up to me and stopped in front of me, breathing quite hard.
"Walking you home," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.
"I can't go home," I said. "I'm sure Dumbledore's watching my house."
"Where are you going to stay? Are you planning to go back to that moldy hole of a room in the Leaky Cauldron? The one where you can't even get the door open?"
"I did get it open. You just kept shutting it," I reminded him.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at me, indicating his annoyance at me.
I sighed and confessed, "You already know. I'm not staying anywhere. I'm leaving London."
"What, a year-long vacation isn't enough f-?" Sirius tried to joke in an attempt to keep our conversation light.
However, I completely demolished his efforts when my emotions got the better of me when I cut him off by saying bitterly, "After all, as you said, you're all better off without me."
Sirius' eyes flashed up to me, and I saw his face cloud over with anger and shame.
"I'm sorry," I apologized immediately, embarrassed at having so obviously let my bitterness get the better of me. "I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it."
Sirius seemed to struggle with his anger for a moment, putting his hands on his hips and looking down at the ground, but he managed to say, "Neither did I."
He looked up at me, and I could see from his gaze that he was trying to read me.
Those eyes.. I knew that expression of his. It felt like just yesterday that he had been staring at me that way, and then kissed me. But then, I had left.
Sirius still didn't know about how long I had cared about him. Admittedly, that care had been sometimes based on nothing more than childish attraction, but quite quickly, it had developed into something far stronger, and solidified when the war brought us together and forced him to acknowledge, that I, too, was someone who deserved his respect.
Because of this, I understood Sirius well, and I knew that standing in front of me, Sirius was struggling with his headstrong pride and his volatile temper, the two aspects of his personality that saved him and kept him grounded when he surrounded by people who tried to oppress him, but that pride and temper could also be incredibly destructive. And he was angry with me for having left without telling me, and that was well justified. He also wanted to know what I had been up to, and was extremely impatient when I could tell him. And now, staring at me, I could see the hardness and darkness in his eyes as he tried to figure out whether to forgive me or to push me away out of pride.
I tried to tell him that I understood. "Sirius," I said, making an effort to keep my voice steady, "I know you're angry. I don't expect you to forgive me. And I'm sure what you once felt for me has passed-"
"Stay."
I blinked. "What?"
"I said 'stay'."
He looked directly at me, and I realized that he had chosen to be honest with me, even if it meant throwing away his pride in the moment. Warmth flooded through me. Except there was one problem-
"I have to leave."
Sirius shook his head, dissuading me of my worry, which was that he would expect me to stay from now on. Instead, Sirius clarified, "Even if it's just for the night."
I marveled at how he had managed to put down his pride before me. Every part of me wanted to reciprocate, and to show him how much I wanted him, too. I wanted to run over to him and press myself against him and kiss him, but I just wasn't sure what the right thing to do was.
Would it help us or hurt us to give in to our feelings right now? I wondered.
"You'll be angry again when I leave," I said.
"Yes," Sirius replied knowingly, "I will be."
"And we're in a war," I said.
Finally, a light broke through Sirius' anger and he laughed a little, though the sound was a bit scornful. "Are you just thinking up every excuse you can to get rid of me?" he asked me.
"Something like that," I admitted.
Sirius grinned at me, and I finally saw a glimpse of the old him, of how he acted when we were together on missions.
"All right," I gave in. "I'll stay one more night."
I caught his soft smile as I turned away.
"Wait a moment," he said from behind me. "Where do you think you're going?"
"That charming broom closet in the Leaky Cauldron," I said, reaching the Apparition point. "I can't afford anywhere else."
"Well, what about my place?" Sirius offered. "It's small, I grant you, but compared to that room, it's a palace. And, you know, it's free."
I looked at him very skeptically.
"What?" Sirius said. "You look like you don't trust me."
"I don't. I know you," I replied.
"You can trust me," Sirius said, trying to look innocent.
I stared at him with my eyebrow raised.
Sirius dropped the mock-innocent expression and sighed. "You act like I'm still sixteen or something."
"Sirius, we're both bad for each other and you know it," I said. "Think of the missions we went on. We're both reckless bastards, and when we're together-"
"Love, that's just you thinking that way," Sirius corrected. "I happen to think we worked rather well together."
I scoffed, and shooting him a "I'm-not-going-to-argue-anymore-see-you-later" look, I started to turn to Apparate.
Sirius leapt forward and grabbed my arm.
I barely managed to stop myself before being sucked into the vortex and slicing his hand off.
I looked down at his hand, and then at him, and let out a long breath before I cursed at him, "Reckless bastard."
We entered his flat, which was only slightly larger than Remus', and still with only one bed.
"I don't understand why you insist on living here when you've got a place as large as Grimmauld Place," I commented as I stepped in.
"How would you know how large Grimmauld Place is?" Sirius said nonchalantly, slipping off his cloak. "Anyways, I never want to live there again. I figure it's better suited for Regulus, anyways. I'll give it to him when he's of age."
I stopped in my tracks, as a massive wall of guilt slammed straight into my heart. Your brother is dead, Sirius, and you don't know.
I wanted to tell Sirius about Regulus, but how could I convince Sirius that Regulus had always been on our side without revealing the fact that Voldemort had made Horcruxes? And if Sirius found about the Horcruxes, it would only be a matter of time for Dumbledore to find out, and outwit me to use the information about Horcruxes to his own ends, regardless of how many lives in the Order it required to execute his plan.
No, I have to remain silent. As least for now.
"All right, you take the bed. I'll take the floor," Sirius said. Under his breath, he murmured, "Don't fit on the couch." He reached over to drag one of the blankets off of the bed and toss it onto the floor.
Regulus wanted me to tell you how much he loved you.
Sirius started a little when I walked up to him from behind and embraced him, sliding my hands in front of him, across his chest, and resting my head on his back. But his feeling of surprise and happiness faded, when he realized that the way I was holding him was a little bit too emotional, almost as though I were afraid. Dropping the blanket, he gently turned, which broke my embrace, and looked down at me.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I don't know," I replied, avoiding his gaze.
He didn't press me for an answer.
"I'm just so relieved that you're all right," I said, and that, at least, was truthful. I looked up at him and managed a weak smile.
He tried to smile back.
But something inside both of us faltered.
I stepped away and picking the blanket off the ground, I laid down on the couch and said, "I'll sleep on the couch. You take the bed."
He didn't argue back.
I must have really fallen asleep for a little while because when I opened my eyes, it was dark. Only the moonlight shown through between the curtains on the window.
I thought I heard a rustle and frowned, wondering what had woken me up.
I sat up to see that I was in Sirius' bed, under a very warm comforter.
Then, I heard the same rustling sound again, only more clearly. It sounded like a sniffle.
I slid over to the edge of the bed and looked down to where I thought the sound was coming from.
There was Sirius, in Padfoot form, all curled up, trying to stay warm and failing miserably. He shivered again and gave another sniffle.
"Padfoot," I said. "What are you doing? It's freezing."
He ignored me.
"Snuffles?" I tried.
He still continued to ignore me.
Finally, I snapped sternly, "Sirius!"
He transformed back, clearly shivering.
"What?" he said, slightly irritated.
I sighed and started to get up. "You get under the covers, I'll sleep on the couch," I said.
"N-no, stay where you are," he said, and grabbed my arm to stop me from getting up. His hand was like ice against my skin.
"Merlin, Sirius!" I hissed. "You're bloody freezing!"
I hurriedly wrapped the comforter around him.
I went to go get the blanket off the floor, but Sirius protested.
"All right, all right! I'll sleep on the bed. Let me just get the blanket off the floor!" I grumbled, and got back into bed once I snatched the blanket off the floor.
I dragged the blanket over myself before I fell back against the pillow.
Sirius buried himself under his blanket, but he wasn't shivering anymore.
"I'll stay right here," he promised, his voice muffled by the blanket.
I smiled a bit before I snuggled into my own blankets and then, strangely enough, managed to fall back asleep.
Sirius' POV
I poked my head out and peered over at Raylynx.
How is she asleep right now? I wondered, slightly irritated with her. Doesn't she feel any tension at all? I'm losing my mind over here with wanting to hold her, and she's just sleeping away like a baby. I can't believe she's not bothered even a little bit.
She was on her side, turned away from me, and I watched as her shoulders and waist slowly rose and fell in time with her breathing. I wondered what it would feel like to hold her against me and trace her curves with my hands. I imagined how she might react, and wondered if she would kiss me-
Bad Sirius, bad Sirius, I chided myself. This is the sixteen year old Sirius she was talking about. Chase him away, chase him far away.
Frustrated, I broke out of my blanket cocoon and stared up at the ceiling. You're a grown-ass man, Sirius, I told myself. Control yourself.
I remembered that once, in our fourth year, Remus was severely annoyed after one of my pranks, and with egg still in his hair, said peevishly to me, "You are a man-child, Sirius. A man, but a child- and a dumb one, at that."
I'd looked at him and said, "So, a teenager then? Say, about fourteen years old?"
"No, it means that you look like a man, but you act like a child," Remus said. "There's a gap there, as opposed to a teenager, who both looks and acts like a teenager. Why am I explaining this to you?"
"You think I look manly?"
Remus paused. "I- Well, yes, but- That wasn't the point, Sirius." Then, he sighed and said, "I suppose if you understood the insulting connotation, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place."
"What's the connotation?" I'd asked, teasing him.
"Disappointment," Remus said morosely. "Disappointment at your complete lack of maturity, and with no hope for your future."
I smiled wryly as I recalled the exchange.
Suddenly, I felt the mattress move slightly as she turned over in her sleep, and in this single-sized bed, that meant that she rolled right up to me.
My eyes flew open, and my breath caught. I looked down at her.
Still fast asleep, she snuggled up a bit against me.
"Mmm..." she mumbled, pressing her cheek against my chest. Her lips parted slightly and she breathed softly.
She'd left behind her blanket. I hesitated, and then I very cautiously, pulled part of my blanket up over her and put my arms around her.
To keep her warm, of course, I told myself.
She fidgeted a little when my arm slipped over her shoulders to hold her to me, but she remained asleep.
I suddenly felt warm, warm like I hadn't felt in ages.
And suddenly, sixteen year old Sirius, who would choose sex over embracing any day, really was gone, was far away. I'd never been so content in my life.
I glanced down at her. The neckline of her shirt had shifted slightly and I saw a thin white scar just above her collarbone. For the infinite time, I wondered where she had gone and what she had been doing. But at least, this time, I didn't have to reassure myself that she was still alive, for she was right here, in my arms. Feeling a sense of wonderful and warm relief to the anxiety I'd struggling with for over a year, I finally relaxed a little and closing my eyes, fell asleep next to her.
