Raylynx's POV

I was still deep within the layers of sleep and not thinking coherently, only feeling. I snuggled up close to something warm, and slept soundly.

But my mind had been on high alert for so long that I couldn't stay asleep longer than five hours. Soon enough, my consciousness began to filter back into my brain. Then, I was confused.

What… is that around me? Why do I feel completely blocked off towards my front?

My eyes snapped open to see Sirius' well-defined chest. How did I end up in this position?

"Just to clarify, it was you who made the first move, not me."

I looked up to see Sirius looking down at me, putting on that "I'm innocent" expression again, but of course, I could make out the clear smirk playing around the corners of his lips.

However, I did vaguely remember snuggling up against something warm in my semi-conscious state, so I couldn't argue in good faith.

Sirius saw the look of resignation on my face. He teased, "And you made out like I was the problem."

I sighed and started to move away from him, but he laughed and said quickly, "All right, all right! I'm sorry. Come back here, love."

He gently pulled me back to him.

"What time is it?" I asked him.

"It's only four thirty in the morning," Sirius said.

"The trains aren't running yet," I realized.

There was a pause, and then Sirius said, "So you're leaving again."

"Yes," I said softly.

He blew out a breath and he gently disengaged from me, withdrawing his arm from around me.

"Where?" he ventured to ask, knowing what my reply would be.

"I can't say," I said regretfully, and bit my lower lip.

When Sirius didn't respond, I sat up a little and looked at him. He gazed back at me, and to my surprise, his expression was far more peaceful than I'd expected.

"You're not angry with me?" I asked.

"No, I am," Sirius replied honestly. "I am, and I will be for a long time. But I don't want to make the mistake of pushing you away again. And... I don't want you to leave." He said the last part in a whisper, and he subconsciously leaned in closer.

"There are still things I have to do," I told him, my voice soft but firm.

"And you can't tell me anything?"

When I shook my head, he sighed, and drew away from me. He got up from the bed and sat back on the couch.

After a moment, I also got up and repositioned myself at the edge of the bed, sitting across from Sirius on the couch. "Sirius?"

"Hm?"

"Don't you worry about whether I'm the traitor?" I was hesitant to ask that question, but I wanted to know what he and the other Order members had made of my disappearance.

"Of course I've thought about it," Sirius said morosely, looking down at his hands. "It's impossible not to."

"You, me, and Remus," he said quietly. "We've always been the most suspected."

"Do you believe in the rumors about Remus?" I asked him.

Sirius' eyes were downcast. He suddenly looked very weary and depressed. "I don't know. But traitor or not, when I see Remus, he's just my friend and my brother-in-arms."

"You love Remus," I said softly.

"Well, I wouldn't put it that way," Sirius said.

"You love Remus," I repeated knowingly.

Sirius sighed. "'Course I do."

"I was so relieved to see you there for him the night he tried the Wolfsbane Potion," I told him. "I knew that when I left, many of the Order members had turned on Remus, and I was anxious, thinking that everybody would abandon him. But you wouldn't do that. Even if you didn't have proof of his innocence, you would continue to believe in him."

Sirius shrugged. "Moony and I are a natural alliance. We would have been suspected anyways. He's a werewolf, and I'm a pureblood with a Death Eater lineage. I never had a chance. And I can't always say they're wrong either. Sometimes, when I'm fighting the Death Eaters, I can feel that I have the same energy as them. I'm an Order member, but the spells I use are the same spells that Death Eaters use, not the ones that other Order members use. But you, you got suspected by throwing in your lot with Moony and me."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," I said sincerely, but he didn't seem to hear me. I watched him for a moment, and I could guess what he was thinking about, what he was bothered by.

"Sirius," I said, "you are not your parents. You are not your cousins."

"I know," he said quietly. "But I grew up with them. I can't have escaped from their brainwashing entirely unscathed."

"Professor Maudrick told me something once, and it's helped me," I said. "Maybe it will help you, too. He said: 'Being involved in something terrible does not make you a terrible person. We've got both light and dark inside us. What matters in the end… is what we choose to act on. That's who we really are.'"

Sirius took in the words, and nodded slowly.

"When Professor Maudrick told me that, I thought of Remus," I said. "I thought about how he always underestimates himself, despite always being kind and thoughtful, and always trying to do the right thing."

Sirius watched me as I was speaking, and then he asked me, "Do you like him?"

"Remus? Of course I do. He's wonderful."

"Do you like him more than me?"

"What sort-of question is that?" I asked, looking over at Sirius. "What's Remus got to do with anything?"

To my surprise, I could read the answer in his eyes. "You thought I loved him," I read aloud.

Sirius nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "From the way you say it, you came back to London to see him, not me. But here you are with me now. So I have to ask: who do you like better?"

"You sound like a first year," I said, smiling a little.

"I don't care," Sirius said unashamedly. "So?" he demanded. "Are you going to answer the question?"

"Well, I like you both, but Remus is purely a friend," I said, "whereas with you..."

I felt a blush start to rise up in my cheeks.

"With me?" Sirius prompted.

Embarrassed, I said, "Come on, Sirius, you already know."

"I need to hear it from you," he said, and his voice was almost demanding.

He paused, and in a softer voice, he said, "I just need to be sure, before you leave again."

He saw a smile flit across my face and he pleaded, "Please don't make a joke. Just give me your honest answer."

"I'm sorry," I said, smiling anyways. "It's because this is all so ridiculous to me, given that you..."

I have cared for you for so long, Sirius. I suddenly remembered seeing him in Ollivander's. That had been my first day truly immersed in the magical world, and I'd seen him then. And in all the long days between then and now, I'd wanted to be with him as his equal. It's been almost a decade of keeping quiet about my feelings, and now, he's impatient to hear them. Truly, truly ironic.

Sirius waited as patiently as he could for my answer, though his outline shivered with impatient energy.

"You have me," I whispered. "You've always had me."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. Then, he sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. "Damn," he muttered, "now how am I supposed to let you go?"

He looked up at me and said, "Tell whatever bloke is waiting for you that you're not coming."

My brow furrowed in confusion. "Bloke, what bloke?"

"The handsome fellow you're leaving me for," Sirius retorted.

"Is that what you think I've been up to?" I asked, slightly insulted.

"Well no, but you might've picked one up on the side," Sirius said, leaning towards me and playfully raising an eyebrow.

I smiled and gently pushed his face away. "As if."

But when the moment passed, and I realized that it was fast becoming light outside, I knew I had to speak with Sirius about the remaining doubts in my heart. I didn't want to, and if I had more time with him, I could find a way to deal with these insecurities without having to explicitly name them. But there was no time for us. And as Sirius said, we had to tell each other everything before we parted ways again.

"Sirius," I said, "is it all right that we're together?"

He paused. "What do you mean?"

I tried to keep my voice level, as I replied, "I'm talking about Marlene. I hear her in my head all the time, and I remember how she never really forgave me." My vision started to blur as my eyes became wet, and my voice died away.

Sirius bit his lower lip. He tried to speak several times, before he found a way to say what he wanted to say. "Marlene wasn't- You and I can't- Listen, Lynx, you can't hold onto people like that. You'll turn them into demons. You'll warp her into a figure you hate and resent. It's not exactly easy for me, either. But I know that Marlene was bigger than all this. I trust that I meant enough to her that she would want me to be happy, the same way I wanted her to be happy."

I nodded, trying to accept his words. But I looked away quickly to hide my face.

"You don't have to keep putting on a brave face, Lynx. There's nothing you have to prove to me."

I looked up at the ceiling and blinked all the tears away.

"You never listen," Sirius scoffed.

"It's not time to cry," I told him. "I have to accomplish a lot more before I've earned the luxury of reflecting on my feelings."

The sun was starting to filter into the room and I knew it was almost time for me to go.

But before I left, I had to ask, "Are Lily and James all right? You're still their Secret-Keeper, right?"

Sirius hesitated, and I wondered if he, given his protective nature, he was reluctant to speak about them to me.

But he answered, "Yes, I'm their Secret-Keeper."

"They're all right," he said. "Could be better, but managing."

"And Harry?"

"I hate to admit this about Prongs and goody-two-shoes' kid, but he really is pretty damn cute."

I smiled. "I knew he would be."

"He's going to be a great Quidditch player, what with me giving him the broomstick and you giving him the Snitch."

"How did you know I gave him the Snitch?" I asked curiously.

"You're a Seeker, love. That'll never change."

We both stared at each other, him on the edge of the couch and me on the edge of the bed, both of us running out of words to say, and needing to touch each other to show the depth of our feelings.

With a pained effort, I turned away and got up. I pulled my boots and cloak back on.

Sirius got up and walked over and stood beside me.

"Shall I walk you out?" he offered.

"No, somebody might suspect."

I pulled out my wand to start to transfigure my features for a new disguise, but Sirius said, "Wait."

He stepped forward, suddenly appearing much taller to me. I had to tilt my head back to look at him.

His expression was fierce, and his dark eyes were moody. I felt his hand press against the back of my neck, drawing me to him. I leaned forward, into him, and my hands fell naturally on our chest. Our lips were almost, almost touching. The sliver of air between us seemed to quiver with a secret energy.

"I am angry with you," Sirius said to me, his brow furrowed.

"I know," I said quietly.

He sighed, and released me. I stepped back and closed my eyes and gripped my wand tightly as I focused on the Dissuluration Spells.

My physical appearance seemed to shimmer, and then was replaced by a brunette with long hair and blue eyes, and wispy eyebrows.

"Give Harry a kiss from me," I said. "Neville, too, if you see him. And Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"Look after yourself."

"I will," he promised. He reached up and took my hand in his. He held it so gently and so warmly. Stay.

Trying to hide the effort it was costing me, I slid my hand out of his. Then, I pulled open the door, stepped out, and closed it shut behind me.