Raylynx's POV
I rang the doorbell.
"Just a minute!"
As soon as Sola opened the door, I stepped in and hugged her.
"Hi, Raylynx- Oh, hello," she said, surprised.
"I'm glad to see you," I said.
"I'm glad to see you, too." She laughed a little at my overenthusiastic greeting.
She led the way into her kitchen, and I sat on a stool in the counter.
She joined me, sliding a cup of tea my way.
"So, what's going on?" she asked me.
"Nothing much," I answered, as breezily as I could.
"Chris told me he doesn't see you around the Ministry anymore," Sola said cautiously.
"Well, we work in different Departments," I tried to play it off.
Sola smiled at me and I knew she wasn't buying it.
"All right," I gave in with a short laugh. "I've been sacked."
"Do you want to tell me why?" she asked.
"Do you want to know… about all this?" I said uncertainly. I wondered how much of her magic she'd gotten back and if being with Chris had helped her to open herself up more to the magical world.
"I do," she said firmly. "I hear about the Ministry all the time from Chris."
I nodded. "Well, I was trying to protest Sirius Black's imprisonment.
"Sirius Black?" Sola said, posing the name as a question.
"The evidence is shaky and they failed to give him a fair trial," I explained.
"Sirius Black…" Sola repeated his name, her brow furrowed slightly. "He was at Hogwarts with us, wasn't he? He was in your year."
"Yeah."
"And he was the one who came looking for you," Sola remembered. Her expression cleared as she found the memory she was looking for in her mind. "He was so worried about you," she recalled. "I'll never forget his expression…He looked like the world was on fire, and he was trying to find you before it all burnt down."
I avoided her gaze and focused on keeping the cup of tea in my hand steady.
"You don't think he's guilty?" she asked me softly. "You think he's innocent?"
"I don't know what to think anymore," I answered honestly. "But the minute I admit that, I lose."
Sola was silent for a moment. Then, she said quietly, "I can't imagine that boy ever turning traitor. I just don't see it, Ray."
A strange feeling rose within me. It wasn't joy that Sola had taken my side, and it wasn't sadness because Sirius wasn't here. It was a moment of pure emotion that someone had recognized my heart. Sola saw what I saw in Sirius- the man I had loved would never turn traitor, at least, not in some irredeemable way. Maybe he had killed all those people or betrayed Lily and James and Dumbledore- but I couldn't believe that he meant for it to happen. If he had done it, he must have been trying to pull off some reckless plan of his own. But I couldn't explain that to anyone- and yet Sola just understood. And both gratitude and a shameful feeling of self-pity rose within me in that moment. I hastily put the teacup down, but not before some of it sloshed out and dripped onto the carpet.
Before I could apologize, Sola had her wand out.
"Scourgify."
The carpet was left spotless.
I stared at the clean floor, reminded that even though I felt stuck, trying to walk down a path everyone else had long since abandoned, time worked its magic in other ways and brought back things I'd lost a long time ago. Even though my wish that Sirius be granted a trial seemed impossible, my dream of Sola re-embracing magic had slowly manifested itself into reality, even though it seemed impossible back then.
Remus' POV
Drip. Drip. Drip.
"What the hell were you thinking? How dare you drink in front of my kids?"
"Shut the fuck up! Like you don't use illegal substances in this house!"
A kid wailed loudly.
"Now you've done it!"
I sighed and wearily rubbed my eyes with my hands as I sat up. I shivered. The lack of heating meant the room was very cold at night.
I'd fallen onto the bed as soon as I'd gotten through the doorway, exhausted from a day's work of menial labor. I'd forgotten to put up the usual array of Silencing Spells.
Most days I told myself that I lived like the rest of the world's population. After all, these slums were overcrowded and I knew that even in the case of my pitiful job, there were hundreds of people lined up for the spot the minute I decided I'd had enough.
But sometimes when my guards were down, the bitterness seeped in. I had gone through seven years of Hogwarts and a Wizarding War for this.
I shivered in my bed and got up to take my cloak off the chair. I wrapped my worn and patch cloak around myself. I put up the Silencing Spells and tried in vain to catch a restful sleep.
Sirius' POV
"TRAITOR! HE BETRAYED THE DARK LORD! THAT RAT!"
My eyes fluttered open from my fragile sleep.
I groaned.
My deranged cousin was at it again, cursing Peter.
I sighed and shifted my position against her cold stone wall, trying to fall asleep again.
It was impossible.
The dementors came for me again, taking the little energy I'd regained during sleep.
As I was submitted to this hellish nightmare, I couldn't help but wonder.
Why hasn't anyone gotten me out?
Raylynx, Remus, Dumbledore… Did none of them believe, even for a second, that I was innocent? Why didn't they come for me? Are they dead? Are Remus and Raylynx happily married without me? Have they all moved on? Am I going to die like this?
The despair overtook me and I curled up in my cell, taking long shuddering breaths to try to keep myself from losing my mind completely.
How did I end up in this mess? I thought I was doing things right. I thought I was being the best version of myself that I could be.
A voice whispered convincingly in my head: Fool, after all those years stuck in here, you still haven't learned that doing the right thing means nothing? It's in your blood to be locked away, Sirius Black. Why did you ever think you could escape? What, by changing allegiance, by risking your life for blood traitors and for ideals beyond your grasp, or even by falling in love with that Mudblood girl? How utterly naïve. You never learn. And so, you'll never get out.
A long, hollow, and haunted laugh joined Bellatrix's screams. It took me a while to realize that that was me.
Raylynx's POV
Remus looked exhausted when he came over. He stumbled through my doorway and tried to make polite conversation, but it was like talking to a drunk. I finally insisted that he lie down on the couch. He fell asleep instantly, shivering a little. I Summoned a blanket and draped it over his thin frame. I frowned. He wasn't eating enough, judging from the looks of it.
He slept so deeply. It was unlike him. I wondered if something had happened to him, something he didn't want to tell me about. But I had long since decided that I wasn't going to pry if he didn't want to tell me.
I moved away from the couch and back to the table in the kitchen. I pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and smoothed it out on the table. It was Ollivander's testimony regarding Sirius' wand. Crouch had crumpled it up into a ball and thrown it out of his office and into the hallway when I'd showed it to him. I'd hurried after it to pick it up and Crouch had locked his door behind me.
All of my efforts to see Sirius again have only resulted in me being sacked. Is it time to give up?
I stayed sitting there for hours, reading and rereading Ollivander's words and thinking hard.
Jasper wanted to get to know me better, and if I've learned anything from our missions together, I know he's a lovely and really trustworthy person. Is it time to move on?
But I can't even consider myself with another man. And what Sola said yesterday spoke to the deepest part of my beliefs, too, that Sirius could never-
"Raylynx?"
I looked up abruptly to see Remus standing in front of me.
I hadn't even noticed him walking in.
I glanced at the clock over his shoulder.
"Should you be up?" I asked him. "You only slept for a few hours."
"I'm fine," he said, sitting beside me. "I'm sorry. It was rude of me to fall asleep on you like that."
"Not at all," I replied. "I'm glad you got some rest. As I said before, this is your home. But you fell asleep so quickly. Are you not sleeping well these days?"
He paused, almost as though to tell me something. Then, he shook his head and said, "I sleep fine."
I just nodded, even as the dark shadows under his eyes were plain.
"What are you reading?" he asked me, nodding towards the paper in front of me.
"Nothing," I tried to say, but he was already leaning over to read it.
"Raylynx," he said after he'd read it. He shook his head slightly as he leaned back in his chair.
"Don't you think it's time to stop?" he asked tiredly. "For your sake, I mean."
"You can't heal unless you move on," he said quietly. "Seeing you hold on so tightly… I'm afraid time will pass you by and you'll become lost."
"But there's hope-" I started.
Remus closed his eyes.
I paused. He doesn't want to hear it, I realized.
"Remus…" I said softly.
He opened his eyes and looked at me.
He shook his head slightly as he leaned back in his chair. He didn't say anything, just looked at me with those exasperated, exhausted eyes.
If I watched him watching me any longer, I was going to lose motivation all over again.
"Listen, Remus," I said, my tone unnecessarily hurried. "I-I found Sirius' wand. The last spell he cast- it wasn't an explosive, or even an aggressive spell. It was a Tracking Spell."
Remus frowned.
"He found Peter," I recalled. "So that means that the traitor was someone that Sirius and Peter knew equally well…"
Our eyes met.
"Not you, obviously," I added hastily.
Remus shook his head again.
"Somebody has to be the traitor. It can't not be all of us," Remus said. "You can't try to protect everyone forever, Raylynx."
"I know that," I responded, and my voice was a bit sharper than I'd intended.
"Of course you do. I'm sorry."
"You really think it's best if we move on?" I asked Remus quietly, afraid of his answer. "You think it's best if we forget… everything that happened?"
"I don't think we should forget," Remus answered thoughtfully. "But I think we should start to forgive ourselves and each other for the things we did during the war. I think we have to start letting go."
I studied his face, but his expression was carefully set and he wasn't giving anything away.
He deftly avoided my eyes and stared down at Ollivander's letter.
"I'll leave," he said finally. "You need to sleep. You have work tomorrow."
"I don't, actually," I said. "I've been sacked."
Remus looked at me worriedly. "Did something happen?"
I shook my head. "Nothing, really," I shrugged.
"Does this have anything to do with you trying to get Sirius out of Azkaban?" Remus asked me sharply.
"No," I answered, too quickly.
"Raylynx," Remus started to chide me, but I beat him to it.
"I don't want to hear it, Remus," I said. "It wasn't as simple as that. You know me. I'm not someone who would give up my own ambition just for one person, no matter how important that person was."
Remus paused. "True," he relented.
"Being there and knowing that the people who ruined my sister, you, and Sirius were the people giving orders at the top... It all got a bit hard to swallow," I admitted. "I guess I'm not as cool and collected as I thought I was."
I laughed weakly.
"I'm sorry," Remus offered his condolences sweetly.
"Don't worry about it," I told him. "It was good while it lasted."
Remus nodded. Then, he said, "I noticed you have some of Sirius' stuff."
"Yeah," I agreed.
"Do you want me to take some of it?" he asked me gently.
I paused. Here was another chance to move on.
"No," I said. "No, I've got enough space here. It's all right."
Remus said nothing, but I knew he was disappointed in me.
The next day I had an unexpected visitor.
"Jasper," I said, startled.
"Hello," he said. "I hope I'm not intruding on your privacy," he added hurriedly.
"How did you-?"I started to ask.
"Savage," he replied, and that one word explained it all.
"Old Lady Savage," I muttered under my breath. In truth, I really missed him and Shacklebolt and Dawlish. I even missed Ahmed.
"If you don't want me here, just say the word and I'll be gone," Jasper said. "Don't worry about sparing my feelings or anything."
"No, please. Do come in," I said, opening my door and stepping back.
"I was surprised when I saw your address," Jasper said, stepping in. "You're quite far from any magical community."
"Yeah, this was my parents' house," I explained. "I'm Muggle-born."
"Yeah?" he said, shrugging off his cloak.
"Yeah," I replied quietly, grateful of how casually he regarded the information.
Our eyes met and he smiled lightly before I turned away to close the door.
"I actually do have some paperwork for you to sign- nondisclosure and release forms," Jasper said as we sat at the table. "But I didn't want you to feel obliged about letting me in. I could always ask Dawlish or Savage to come by, if you want."
I shook my head. "Thanks for coming all the way out here," I said, taking the folder from him. I pulled out the documents and looked them over before I pulled out a quill and unscrewed an ink bottle.
"I heard Umbridge was the one who made the call," Jasper said. He looked deeply unsatisfied. "She's an awful woman."
"Umbridge…" I restrained my utter loathing for her and settled for saying, "She tries to compensate for her lack of power by attempting to shrink the world. It's ridiculous."
I finished signing and put down my quill.
I put the documents back in and sealed the envelope before handing it back to Jasper.
"And that's that," I said quietly.
He nodded, but he didn't move.
"What about one date?" he asked suddenly. "Just one, and then if you say no, I won't bring it up ever again."
"Although it's equally true that if you say no now, I won't bother you again either," Jasper shrugged lightly. "I would never want to annoy you."
Remus' voice echoed in my mind: "I think we have to start letting go."
I felt a wisp of my heart start pulling forward, but most of it stayed doggedly in place.
My mind, however, was a different matter.
It swung back and forth like a pendulum, knowing that I was banking on an already lost future but clutching so tightly onto those old memories, now like fragments of a past dream.
But Sirius… I have to believe that he's still alive and if he is, he's suffering right now. I can't go on dates while he's stuck in Azkaban, with those horrible dementors sucking all happiness out of him.
And yet, some part of me also believed that Sirius would want me to start moving on from the war, with everybody else. He wouldn't want me to fall behind, just as I would want him to find his place, if the situation was switched. I played with my hands anxiously as I thought. Jasper waited patiently.
Finally, I compromised in the most immature way ever, which was to say, "Can we go as friends?"
He burst into laughter before sighing good-humoredly and saying, "Yes, of course."
He got up and walked to the door, pulling his cloak on and slipping my documents in the inner pocket.
"How about Saturday at seven?"
"All right," I replied, still hesitant.
What am I doing? I wondered to myself.
"Dress nice," he warned me, and he was gone.
I went through my sister's old clothes and borrowed a red dress of hers and some of my mother's old earrings. But it felt too flashy, so I changed into a black button-up and slacks.
At seven precisely, Jasper showed up looking rather handsome in a grey button-up.
When I opened the door, he lifted an eyebrow at my outfit with a mixture of surprise and amusement, but he complimented me on how I looked before holding out his hand. I took it and we Apparated to a clearly magical restaurant. I gaped slightly when I realized that everybody was dressed to the nines.
"We're supposed to come here as friends," I whispered in Jasper's ear. "I don't think anyone here came with a friend."
Jasper chuckled. "But you and I know, so that's what's important," he said.
He pulled out a chair and I paused.
"Oh," I realized and hurriedly sat down.
He sat down across from me.
"Oh Merlin," I said in embarrassment, as I realized something.
"What is it?" Jasper asked.
"I'm dressed like a waiter," I pointed out, whispering.
Jasper laughed. "You are, but it suits you- literally- so no worries."
I smiled, but then my eyes fell on a silver band that had slipped out of his button-up and onto his chest. It was a ring on a necklace. I wondered if it was from his previous fiancée.
I suddenly felt nervous that I might accidentally reveal that I knew about his previous engagement, so I was tried my best to speak as little as possible, especially once the wine was out.
As we talked, I thought to myself, So this is what people do on dates. Sirius and I… We spent all our time hiding away in his flat. We never bought presents, never went out… And yet, why is it that I crave those days so badly? Those were the awful days, weren't they? The war-torn days. Now Voldemort is gone and things should be better than before- they are- and yet- God, I just want to see him again. Just for a moment.
I tried my hardest to be graceful and put-together, but honestly, I just felt my brain shut off.
Finally, we were out of the restaurant. I couldn't remember if the food was good or not.
"Would you like to go for a walk in the park?" he asked me.
Right, we can do things like that. There's no need for hiding or for Dissulurating every time we step out.
"Yeah, that sounds great."
We walked to the middle of the park where there was a beautiful fountain pooling with glistening water. It reminded me of the fountain in the courtyard of Hogwarts.
"Jasper, where did you go to school?" I asked him.
"I didn't," he answered.
"What?" I said, surprised.
"I was bitten at a very early age, so I was rejected from Letra Damien. Letra Damien has an official non-discrimination policy, but they've only accepted purebloods for ages. Everyone knows that. And with a reputation like that, they'd never take a lowly werewolf."
"Well, couldn't you have gone to a different school?" I asked. Inside, I suddenly understood how much it must have meant for Remus to have been able to go to Hogwarts.
"Perhaps, but I come from an old pure-blood line. That's how I know that Kaiuses. They're one of the few families with a bloodline purer than my family. If the public knew that the Rileys had a son, they'd expect him to go to Letra Damien, and only Letra Damien. It was unthinkable to go anywhere else. Instead, my parents hid my existence. No one knew I existed for a very long time."
He looked over at me and I quickly shut my mouth, which had been hanging open in surprise.
He smiled a little.
"But you're such a talented wizard," I said. "How are you so skilled if you didn't attend a Wizarding School? Clearly, you have a very practiced hand or neither of us would be standing here right now."
"I got extremely lucky," Jasper replied softly. "My uncle was an eccentric adventurer. He was a well-known curse-breaker at Gringotts before he became a Magizoologist. Although my parents found his views far too liberal for their tastes, he managed to convince them to let me go galloping off with him on his adventures. He was never in one place for very long and he knew all about werewolves, so it was a perfect opportunity for me. During that time, I received thorough training from my uncle and then firsthand experience when I assisted him."
"Wow, that's incredible," I said, awed at how unique his life had been and trying to imagine all of the different adventures he and his uncle must have gone on. "And how did you end up in the Auror office?"
"I worked for the Ministry in the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, mostly with beasts and on occasion, spirits. I partnered with Aurors sometimes for really out-of-hand missions, like if dragons were involved. Those kinds of missions were often stealth missions, since large animals were often seen by Muggles. Anyways, I worked with Gregory a number of times and after a few years of a fruitful partnership, he secretly recruited me as a spy into the Auror department."
Thoughtfully, Jasper said, "I wouldn't have made it where I am without my uncle or Gregory. I really have a lot to be thankful for. And my parents didn't abandon me after I was bitten. I'm always grateful to them as well."
I stared at him in wonder. How could he genuinely view life in such a positive manner? He had such a deep emotional maturity.
"Anyways," he said, shaking his head a little. "Now that you know my whole life history, why don't you tell me about yourself?"
Actually, he hadn't told me anything in detail or mentioned his wife, but I still replied, "I went to Hogwarts and then I came into the Auror office through a friend's recommendation."
"But you didn't come straight from Hogwarts to the Ministry, did you?" Jasper asked me. "Where were you in the years between?"
"Are you saying I don't look young?" I said evasively.
Jasper chuckled lightly. "Well, you definitely don't look like a seventeen year old girl, anymore, which I think you should take as a compliment. You're a woman now, clearly."
His comment took me by surprise. I blushed a little, but tried not to show it as I sidestepped his question again. "Well, you saw me with the Kaiuses, when we made the Wolfsbane Potion."
He smiled crookedly, knowing I was running from his question.
"Who was the Auror friend? Do I know them?" Jasper asked me.
"Alice Longbottom," I admitted, and tried to smile.
"Oh Merlin," Jasper said regretfully. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"
I shook my head. "I know you didn't. So don't worry about it."
"You know, when we met while making the Wolfsbane Potion, I thought you were so committed to the project because you were obsessed with Alchemy," Jasper told me. "But that wasn't it, was it? It was for your friend then, too."
"For a couple friends, actually," I said quietly, thinking of Dorcas. "But you're right- Alchemy is not my specialty. That potion would never have been completed without the Kaiuses' expertise on the subject."
"So you're loyal to people, rather than passion?" Jasper inquired.
I paused. If that were true, would I be here right now?
I remembered what I had said to Remus: I'm not someone who would give up my own ambition just for one person, no matter how important that person was.
"I don't think that's…" I started hesitantly. But I was starting to doubt myself. Am I loyal to people instead of passion? I became proud of myself, albeit in a regretful way, for not attaching myself to people. I tried to take pride in the fact that I walked my road alone. I tried to keep my head up high and my shoulders back when my path diverged from everyone else's. But what if… that was never really the case? Or what if I've changed? What if I am attached to people now? Am I weak now? Have I lost my path somewhere in these last few years? What do I stand for now? I paused, my answer falling into silence as I anxiously wondered if I wasn't the person I thought I was- the person I thought I could be proud of. Is the person in my head someone different? If I saw her for who she really was, and saw me as I really am, are we totally different people?
"Forgive me, that's an intrusive question," Jasper replied quickly. He easily redirected the conversation easily and we chatted about some more, lighter stuff.
It was so strange talking to Jasper. I'd always had friends that had grown up with me, so I never had to recount my childhood or explain my life. With Jasper, he would ask me things about myself and my life that I'd always taken for granted.
"You played Quidditch?" he said incredulously. "And on a team?"
"Just for school," I said hastily.
"That's amazing," he replied. He honestly looked awed. It was cute, that he thought so highly of my simple school life. It also reminded me to be thankful of the life I had been able to lead at Hogwarts. My heart felt complicated as I thought of Dumbledore. He made that life possible for people like me, and for people like Remus. But when I was in the Order, I couldn't trust him anymore. Why did it shift so extremely?
I suddenly found myself wondering about my past more than ever. Could it be that I was too prideful, all that time? What if I haven't changed now- what if I was always too impatient and impulsive, and it's only now that I'm beginning to realize my mistakes? What if… What if Sirius is in Azkaban now and Harry has no parents because I decided to go off my own and "try to play the hero" instead of staying here and being someone the others could depend on?
Deep in thought, I bit my lower lip. I didn't notice that Jasper was gazing at me, and realized that I was lost in my own thoughts. Graciously, he changed course and quietly began to lead me home.
It wasn't until we were near my street that I realized we had walked all the way back. It had been quite a ways. We'd even Apparated there earlier this evening.
I paused, and then felt guilty- to Jasper, because I had been such an inattentive and hesitant date and to Sirius, because I had gone on this date in the first place.
"I enjoyed this immensely," Jasper said kindly, walking me to my door. "Thank you, Miss. It's been a real pleasure."
I wanted to match his level of grace. Instead, I blurted out, "I'm sorry."
"Sorry? For what?" he asked me.
"I wasn't the most engaging date," I replied honestly. "But please understand… This whole night felt like a parody of somebody else's life. See, it's the first proper date I've ever been on."
"I sort-of gathered that," he said, and grinned a little. "Your previous partner… He didn't take you out on any dates?"
I paused. "No," I agreed quietly. "No, we couldn't. The war… made things like that impossible."
"You were a fighter, weren't you?" Jasper asked me, matching my quiet level of speaking. "You were on the front lines of the war against the Dark Lord. That's what you were doing in the years between Hogwarts and the Ministry."
I couldn't confirm or deny so I stayed silent.
"If you need time, I'll wait," Jasper said. "I'll wait for you. We could try this again, when you feel you've healed. Next time-"
"No, I can't," I said, and I made my voice as gentle as possible. "I'm sorry, Jasper, but I can't go on another date with you."
Jasper tried to read my expression. "Is it something that I did? Did I make you feel uncomfortable in some way?"
"Not at all," I clarified. "Actually, you're a lovely person- and that just makes it worse. I can't pretend to pull you along when I'm really- not here, not present, not with you. You deserve someone who's healthy enough to reciprocate, and that just isn't me right now."
Jasper smiled weakly. "That's the most complimentary shutdown I think I've ever heard."
I tried to match his smile, but I couldn't seem to conjure one up.
Jasper sensed the struggle going in within me.
"What is it? What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing's wrong," I said, truthfully. Nothing was wrong. It was all in my head. It was all-
"Then it's guilt," Jasper recognized. He slid his hands in his pocket and took a deep breath, as though he were gathering his breath to say something difficult. Then he looked at me squarely and said, "Raylynx. I respect your decision. I do. I just don't want to see you stranded. See, I made the mistake of being unable to let go of what I'd lost."
My eyes flashed up to him. I knew he was speaking of his wife.
Jasper recounted his lonely experience, telling me, "At first, it seems justified to hold on, an appropriate response to a cruel world, even a personal protest of sorts, to cry out against the wrongs done to you and your loved ones."
His eyelashes fluttered as he blinked and looked down at his feet. "But after a while, when the rest of the world has moved on, when everyone around you has already chosen to forget and move on, it just becomes a self-inflicted hell," he murmured.
His eyes flickered back up to me and I could see sympathy and concern warring inside of him. He knew, more than anyone else, what I was going through now.
"I didn't lose him," I whispered, speaking almost more to myself than to him. "Not yet."
Jasper shook his head slowly. "Sirius Black may never leave Azkaban," he said.
My mouth fell open a little. "How did you-?"
"As I said, when I met you, you were discovering the Wolfsbane Potion for a close friend as well," Jasper said. "I know you a little now, Raylynx. You always aim to help the people closest to you. You're not really attuned to ideals of justice or right and wrong. You have loyalty to people, not morals. You wouldn't argue for Sirius Black's freedom on the basis of right and wrong alone, at least, not as fiercely as you are now. It's because you care about him. Then, you said to me the other day that you were caught up on someone who didn't make it out of the war, but now you say he's not lost. Who else could it be?"
He saw the hurt and awe collide on my face. He reached out slowly until his fingers were gently brushing my cheek.
"Raylynx…" he murmured. His fingers moved upwards and he pushed back a few strands of my hair that had come loose. Then, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to my cheek.
It felt very very sweet. It felt like something I could grow into and gradually come to appreciate. But right now, it felt utterly wrong. The thing was that Jasper wasn't Sirius- and he would never be, and it was wrong of me to even be thinking like this. I honestly, truly, and decidedly couldn't see other men as men that I could be with in any romantic sense. I couldn't see myself as a person capable of loving another with the same strength as I had loved Sirius. The love I had once felt for Lily and James filtered down to Harry, just as my love for Alice passed down to Neville. But with Dorcas, Marlene, even a little of Peter, and particularly Sirius, who was yet alive, I could not imagine giving that love to another person. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.
Jasper drew back a little to study my expression. He read my decision in my eyes. Nodding gently, he withdrew from me. I put all my effort into not letting any of my regret or insecurity show on my face. Finally, I managed to force a gentle smile. It hurt, but I could smile because I had put all my honest feelings out there now.
"I'll be going back undercover," Jasper informed me. "It might be hard to get into contact with me. Stay safe, you hear? I'll miss you, partner."
He smiled briefly before he turned and walked off into the night.
With that, I knew I had passed up my offer to move on, to be all right.
Even though Jasper would never invoke the kind of love in me I felt for Sirius, I could see that he could teach me many things and that he was, in some ways, the man most suited for me in my circumstances. And although I didn't know it, he viewed me in a similar way. He hadn't acted on his feelings for anyone else since his fiancée passed and he wouldn't have felt for me if it wasn't for the fact that we had been put together as partners. Truth be told, I was the complete opposite of his previous fiancée. She had been dainty, precious, lovely, graceful, and had a feminine charm and sense of wit. I had none of these things, but he felt somewhat attracted to me and it gave him hope that he could move on, finally. It wasn't that he was in love with me or anything like that, but he could start to see himself as starting again. As he had said to me on that rooftop: "I'm not asking for commitment, nowhere near. Just… a chance- if something were to happen, a chance to let it take its course…"
Jasper chose, bravely and rationally, to try to move on.
But I chose to stay behind.
In my heart of hearts, I knew I was making a mistake.
There was no rational ground for my hope, and in a way, I was holding on out of pure greed.
And simply, in life, I knew I should always choose to move on, to be in touch with reality, to be healthy and forward-looking, and to be available to the people present to me here and now.
But the thing was, everybody talked about Sirius as though he was already dead, and he wasn't. It wasn't right to confuse being out of sight with passing into another world. The stars may not be visible during the daytime- but they're there. Even though I couldn't point to them as evidence, I believe that they were there. The laws of the world, and my relationship with the stars, told me that they were still there. So, as long as Sirius inhabited this world with me, he was my present, my here and now, and I wasn't going to stop fighting this fight until I was dead or he was free- or both.
I looked up at the stars at night. There, I found Sirius, and through the lenses of my heart, I found Regulus, too.
"I see you," I whispered. "I see you both, and I'm keeping my promises. Sirius, hold on. I know you're still alive. And as long as you're trying to stay sane in that awful place, I'll be trying to get you out. I'll get you the freedom that you deserve, I swear it. And then we'll give Harry the life he deserves."
a/n: ah, Infinity Mars, Lizzieheartsfan3, and Guest, thank you so much for the reviews. So good to see that some of my readers are still here. You guys are awesome, thank you!
