Raylynx's POV
Of course, Dumbledore, being Dumbledore, knew I had visited Mrs. Figg.
"How did you know I was there?" I asked him, suspicious about whether or not Aberforth had told him about my Animagus form.
"Mrs. Figg is a good friend of mine," he replied cordially.
"Of course she is," I muttered.
"You have seen with your own eyes, then, that Harry is safe," Dumbledore said.
"Please let me take care of the boy," I begged shamelessly. "I don't know exactly how the Dursleys are treating him and clearly, he's alive. But they don't take him on vacation. They leave him with Mrs. Figg on the condition that she doesn't make him too happy. That's not right, Dumbledore. And his clothing is so absurdly oversized. His glasses are broken, too."
Dumbledore sighed quietly. "Yes. In my letter, I asked the Dursleys to treat Harry as they would their own son. Clearly, they have not done so. But perhaps, on the whole, we should be relieved for that."
"What do you mean?"
"They spoil their son extremely," Dumbledore explained.
"However," Dumbledore continued before I could cut him off again, "I have been thinking of ways that we could join together to protect Harry."
"I'm not joining your Order, Dumbledore," I reminded him.
"I know, Ms. Kingsley, and there is no Order anymore," he replied.
I fell silent.
"In six years' time, when Harry is eleven, he will attend Hogwarts," Dumbledore continued.
"How are you so sure?" I lifted an eyebrow. "The Dursleys may not be so willing to send Harry to Hogwarts."
"Harry will find his way to Hogwarts. Do not concern yourself of that," Dumbledore said gracefully.
I snorted not-so-subtly. Of course, things would occur exactly as he set them up to be. Since giving Harry to Petunia had been Dumbledore's idea, I had no doubt that Dumbledore had calculated beforehand that this move would lead to Harry's attending Hogwarts. This was the clever foresight which few possessed and which Dumbledore had such an immense amount of.
"As it is, we are lacking a Professor for Ancient Runes," Dumbledore said.
He inclined his head to me slightly as he said, "I seem to recall you were an exemplary student in the study. Perhaps you would consider a teaching post at Hogwarts. That way, when the boy comes, you will be able to keep an eye on him."
I saw where Dumbledore was going with this. I would be able to keep an eye on the boy. In return, Dumbledore would expect me to tell him what I knew about Harry's ongoings and about all the information I had gathered so far.
Internally, I sighed. If things were as they had been before- if Lily and James were alive to take care of Harry, if Harry had not yet been born and my allegiance still lay first to myself and to Sirius, then I would turn this offer down immediately. In all probability, I would spit at Dumbledore now. I would say angrily, "Do you take me for a fool? I won't fall for your tricks again, Dumbledore. Once was enough." To this day, I still fundamentally mistrusted Dumbledore, and the fact that he would not give Sirius a chance and yet stand up for Snape, had revealed to me, once again, that our priorities and ways of thinking were not the same. But now, there was Harry- a defenseless orphan with a godfather locked up for betrayal and mass murder and in the care of awful relatives. I couldn't just think of my pride or of Sirius' well-being. I had to consider Harry.
I forced myself to keep a neutral gaze, resisting from biting my lower lip or blinking too much as I contemplated Dumbledore's offer.
"You hesitate. Why?" Dumbledore asked, breaking the silence.
When I did not respond, Dumbledore studied me with those bright blue eyes of his, peering at me through his half-crescent glasses.
"Our interests have aligned, Ms. Kingsley, and if I do say so myself, we would both be fools not to be allies. Put aside your pride and help me protect Harry," Dumbledore persuaded me.
"Harry is the Boy Who Lived," I said quietly. "He defeated the Dark Lord already- the night Lily and James died."
"Yes, and that truth shall suffice for most everyone," Dumbledore replied. "But Ms. Kingsley, you have a duty and an intelligence that sees beyond that. Neither you nor I can be satisfied with a fairytale ending, for we both know that the Boy Who Lived is not necessarily synonymous with the Boy who destroyed the Dark Lord- defeated, yes, but not ended."
"What are you saying?" I said, tense.
"The Dark Lord will return and when he does, he will be more powerful than ever. I need your help in protecting Harry," Dumbledore stated. His voice was quiet, but certain.
This time, I could not hide the fact that I was wavering. I blinked hard and crossed my arms, and the questioning expression I had been holding back appeared on my face.
Dumbledore saw my weakness, and pressed harder. "Ms. Kingsley, you could help me to protect him with your admirable skills. You would be honoring your pact as godmother, as Lily and James' close friend."
"And…" Dumbledore murmured, "You would be close to him, to your godson."
The thought of being close to Harry and of being able to protect him and to tell him about Lily and James was mesmerizing. I wanted to be there for Harry. He was Lily and James' child, of their flesh and blood. And he was my godson.
Sirius would do it, if he were here. He would do it in a heartbeat.
That was what made up my mind.
But I was still wary. I took a deep breath. Then, I looked up at Dumbledore. "What do you ask of me?"
"Everything you have," Dumbledore said bluntly, "if you allow it."
"And if I don't?" I pressed.
"I'm fairly certain you shall," Dumbledore replied. "You answer strongly to duty, and your ability to feel compassion urges you to move forward. This I know, for I have witnessed it these past years."
He inclined his head. I knew he meant it as a compliment, but in the depths of those words, I almost felt as though he were mocking me.
Feeling the bitterness burn in my throat, I said, "And so you gather your chess pieces at this school of yours, Dumbledore, and you bind them down to you by playing on their compassion."
"It is not deceitful of me to recognize these patterns," Dumbledore offered his defense. "I simply understand what is in your best interests, as a human being who strives towards the light."
"As opposed to power?" I wondered.
"Light and dark are both avenues of power," Dumbledore said. A little somberly, he said, "Did you forget all that I taught you, Ms. Kingsley?"
"You taught me everything but independence, Professor, and that bit I'm trying to figure out myself," I responded.
"You were away for many years," Dumbledore reminded me. "Was that insufficient? Is it not time to come back and claim the responsibilities you left behind here? Harry is but a child. I will try to protect him, but as you know so well, I am not in a position where I can sacrifice everything for the sake of one life. If it comes to a crossroads again, who will be the person to stand against me, if not you? Where else would you choose to be except standing in front of your godson, if circumstances align wrongly?"
His voice was passionate by the time he ended his speech.
A strange suspicion rose within me. Why was Dumbledore pushing so hard for my allegiance? I wondered how much he knew about my travels, trying to track down Horcruxes. I guessed it was far more than he was letting on. In fact, in that moment, I was sure of it. If I returned to Hogwarts, would it just put me in another situation where Dumbledore took all of my information for himself and then left me in the dark?
"Would you tell me?" I asked abruptly. "Would you tell me the things you know about Harry, the Boy Who Lived…and why he alone defeated the Dark Lord? Would you tell what's going to happen to Harry? And would you tell me those things truthfully?"
"Events are always in motion. Everything is always fluctuating in a dimension of infinite possibility, Ms. Kingsley," Dumbledore said gently. "There is no way to know everything. There is no way to know even enough. We are always guessing in the dark."
"Then," I pressed, "Would you tell me what you guess?"
Dumbledore fell silent for a moment. He pressed his long fingers together as he studied me. Finally, he spoke. "I do not think you are ready for such truths, Ms. Kingsley," he replied. "You have grown up a certain way, on account of living through a most difficult time, and you have become vulnerable in some places."
My brow furrowed. "And you do not share these weaknesses with the rest of us, Dumbledore?"
Dumbledore smiled wryly. "I do, but I am more practiced and older, and therefore wiser than you, Ms. Kingsley. Soon, you will overtake me. Do not be impatient. But for the time being…"
His voice trailed off.
"If you learn to calm your mind, perhaps you will be able to guess what I know and what I think," Dumbledore said. "But that is all up to you."
He nodded towards the necklace again and said, "Consider my proposal, Ms. Kingsley. I would be most happy if you were to accept. Good day."
With that, he left, leaving my emotions bothered and unsettled all over again.
What did Dumbledore mean "If you learn to calm your mind, you will be able to guess what I am guessing"?
Was he being sincere or was it just a ploy to drag me into his master chess game?
"Are you all right? You seem a bit preoccupied," Sola said, glancing at my face.
"Oh, no," I said, hurriedly pulling myself together.
"You're not falling sick or anything, are you?" Sola asked, concerned.
"She's not," Chris said and smiled at me. "Look at her. She's clearly at the prime of her health."
He leaned forward and squeezed my cheek between his fingers.
"Ow! What the hell?" I murmured, jerking back and massaging my cheek with my hand.
Chris laughed. "Sorry, it looked plumper than it felt."
"You're not eating enough," Sola chided me.
"I'm-" I stopped myself from reflexively insisting "I'm fine!". I knew Sola was inadvertently trying to be the mother that we most missed so dearly. I took a breath and said softly, "I'm all right, Sola. I have been eating. I promise."
Sola nodded. Then, she said, "Chris and I were thinking of visiting Mum and Dad's grave this weekend. Would you like to come?"
"Sure," I said. "But why this weekend? You usually go the third week of the month, I thought."
Sola and Chris exchanged glances. Chris reached over and took her hand in his own.
"Well…" Sola said hesitantly. "Chris and I… decided to get married. We wanted to ask Mother and Father for their blessing."
"I know it's a bit silly to go to their grave and all," Sola hurriedly added. "But I guess it just felt… it just felt important."
I stared at the two of them as the news sunk in.
"Sola..." I murmured.
Our eyes met, and an excited smile lit up in her beautiful eyes. She reached for me and I hugged her tightly.
"It is important," I agreed. "It's the most important thing."
I stepped back from Sola and stepped into Chris' waiting arms.
"Congratulations to you both," I said.
My sister is getting married, I thought excitedly. My sister is getting married to a wizard!
For a moment, I tried to imagine how painful this must have all been for Sola. She had seen, before anyone else, the storm that was coming. When she tried to fight back, she lost everything, even her magic. But now, she had learned to stand up again, and to find a serenity within herself. Finally, she had learned to live without losing herself in some passionate cause. She had learned to live because she knew how to value life itself. I wondered if I would ever reach that place and stand alongside her, but I knew I wouldn't until I had reached some end with Sirius, and with Harry. I wished Sola could help me, just as I had wished I could help her, back when she was suffering most. But I had learned a long time ago that no human being could truly help another. We try- we spend our whole lives trying, but in the final run, each of us stand alone.
Standing in front of their graves, I let my uncertainty overwhelm me the way it would if Mum and Dad were alive and I could stand in front of them and tell them about my issues and ask for their advice. I missed them so much. Beside me, Chris was rubbing Sola's back as she cried into his shoulder. Amy handed Jamie flowers, which he placed gently on Mom and Dad's graves.
Mum, Dad… What would you tell me if you were here?
If I could tell you about everything that's going on… what would you say?
I swore I could hear my father's voice in the wind, saying, "Ray, you can be so silly sometimes. Just decide what is most important and follow that. Everything else will come naturally."
That's right, I thought. It doesn't matter whether or not you're acting in accordance to someone else's plans or not, as long as you're following your own. And protecting Harry was the most important thing now.
I let out a deep breath. It looks like… I'll be back at Hogwarts.
A rush of fear ran through me. I can't mess up again. I can't let what happened repeat itself. I can't lose Harry the way I lost Lily and James... the way I lost Mom and Dad...
"Ray, don't be afraid." My mother's voice rang out in the wind blowing over the cemetery. Suddenly, I was ten years old again and scared of monsters under the bed. "Sweetheart, it's only in your mind. Learn to let go what's in your mind, and you'll be all right."
I closed my eyes and heard the rustle of long grass whispering in the summer breeze. I exhaled, and for a moment, I had let go, and I was all right.
That moment would have to suffice for the next twenty years.
a/n: thank you for continuing to read! i really need to respond to reviewers again, but I've had some people telling me that my an's are too long. but trust me, those reviews motivate me to post! i re-read this story and found so many inconsistencies and errors that i sometimes just don't want to continue it, but there are so many wonderful people encouraging me that it makes me want to follow up on my original commitment. thank you!
