Raylynx's POV
I had made up my mind to genuinely try to catch Scabbers, but catching Scabbers was not nearly as easy as one might think. For one, the obvious difficulty of getting into the boys' dormitory unnoticed was always present. Harry, in particular, seemed to have a knack for catching me going up the steps or trying to slink by. He wasn't the Seeker for nothing, I thought, as he pulled me out by the tail yet again.
For another, Hermione was trying her best to keep me away from Scabbers. The last thing I wanted to do was to add to her stress level on top of all of the coursework she was struggling through, so I was very careful to behave myself when she was around. At times, I felt guilty about going after Scabbers because, after all, I didn't really know why. All I knew was that between my strange pull towards Scabbers, which had existed from the moment I'd set eyes on him as a cat, and Sirius' hint that he was looking for a rat, it seemed like a mistake not to be going after Scabbers.
But after another evening of failed attempts, my nose sore and overwhelmed from hours of sniffing, I was forced to give up and transform into my human form in order to make it to Harry's Patronus lesson in time. I was terribly frustrated by the general lack of scent. Scabbers' scent used to be everywhere in the boys' dormitory, but now it was barely identifiable.
Harry managed to produce an indistinct, silvery shadow again tonight, but he was frustrated with himself.
"You're expecting too much of yourself," said Remus sternly. "For a thirteen-year-old wizard, even an indistinct Patronus is a huge achievement."
"And importantly, for your upcoming Quidditch match, you aren't passing out anymore," I pointed out. "You'll be able to fly to the ground safely should anything happen. Though I doubt it will, what with Dumbledore's anger after what happened..."
"Yes, but… but I thought a Patronus would – charge the dementors down or something," Harry said, disappointed. "Make them disappear."
"A true Patronus does do that," I acknowledged. "But a shield form can be equally effective, Harry."
Remus walked in front of Harry and said kindly, "Harry, you have achieved a great deal in a very short space of time. And as Professor Kingsley says, if the dementors put in an appearance at your next Quidditch match, you will be able to keep them at bay long enough to get back on the ground."
"You said it's harder if there are loads of them," Harry replied.
Remus smiled. "I have complete confidence in you." He walked back to his briefcase. "Here – you've earned a drink. Something from Hogsmeade. You won't have tried it before-" He pulled out the three bottles from his briefcase.
"Butterbeer!" Harry blurted out. "Yeah, I like that stuff!"
I looked over at Harry. How would he know what Butterbeer is when he hasn't been to Hogsmeade yet? Or outside the castle at all, to my knowledge… Remus, too, was looking at Harry with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh, Ron and Hermione brought me some back from Hogsmeade," Harry responded quickly.
"I see," Remus said, but I could tell he was thoroughly unconvinced. "Well, let's drink to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw! Not that I'm supposed to take sides, as a teacher…" he added hastily.
I smiled as I took my Butterbeer from Remus. "I think that ship of neutrality has long since sailed for me," I said, and looked over at Harry. Harry grinned at me.
We drank the butterbeer in silence. Remus and I looked at each other, both thinking the same thing. Has Harry somehow been to Hogsmeade? There were plenty of secret passageways, as Remus and I both certainly knew.
Suddenly, Harry's voice broke into our silent conversation. "What's under a dementor's hood?" he asked.
I looked over at Remus, for I had no idea myself. Remus lowered his bottle of Butterbeer from his lips thoughtfully. "Hm… Well, the only people who really know are in no condition to tell us. You see, the dementor lowers its hood only to use its last and worst weapon."
"What's that?" Harry asked.
"They call it the Dementor's Kiss," said Remus, and his eyes flickered over to me, in reference to the unfinished conversation we had had this morning. "It's what dementors do to those they wish to destroy utterly. I suppose there must be some kind of mouth under there, because they clamp their jaws upon the mouth of the victim and suck out his soul."
Harry accidentally spat out a bit of butterbeer. "What — they kill —?"
"Oh no," Remus corrected him. "Much worse than that. You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no… anything. There's no chance at all of recovery. You'll just exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever… lost."
It sounded eerily close to my boggart. I held my breath, as an unwelcome image of a dementor feeding upon Sirius and sucking out his soul entered my mind, even though I had no true idea of what that would look like.
"It's the fate that awaits Sirius Black," Remus said slowly, staring at the Butterbeer in his hands. He lifted it to his mouth and drank a little more before he continued, "It was in the Daily Prophet this morning. The Ministry have given the Dementors permission to perform it if they find him first."
I was gripping the Butterbeer in my hands so tightly, it was a wonder the glass didn't break. When my hands started to shake uncontrollably, I quickly put it down on an empty desk and hid my hands behind me.
Harry was silent for a moment. Then, he said, in a dark, moody voice, "He deserves it."
I blinked and quickly looked towards the floor, clutching my sleeves in each of my hands behind my back.
Remus' eyes jumped quickly between me and Harry. Trying to keep the atmosphere light, Remus forced himself to say in a would-be casual voice, "You think so? Do you really think anyone deserves that?"
"Yes," Harry said defiantly. "For… for some things…"
Between the Daily Prophet's authorization of dementors to use the kiss and Harry's anger at Sirius for what he believed was Sirius' betrayal of Lily and James, I was now much more anxious for Sirius. Transforming into Crookshanks, I followed Harry back to the common room without him noticing me. I saw him receive his Firebolt from McGonagall.
"I can have it back?" Harry said weakly. "Seriously?"
"Seriously," said Professor McGonagall. "I daresay you'll need to get the feel of it before Saturday's match, won't you? And Potter —do try and win, won't you? Or we'll be out of the running for the eighth year in a row, as Professor Snape was kind enough to remind me only last night…"
I snuck into the common room on Lavender Brown's heels. Upon entering, I immediately froze as a strong scent hit my sensitive nose. That scent… It's Scabbers' scent! I haven't picked up that scent in here for a long time. And it's strong. Why is it so strong? And it's… complicated. It's all over the place. No, it's parallel lines- two separate paths.
I shook my head, confused. There was a trail of Scabbers' scent coming into the common room that streaked straight through the common room floor, but then, there was another, even stronger line of scent that stuck closer to the walls. And on top of having two distinct lines of scent, there was yet another curious fact: The scent isn't strongest here at the doorway, though. It's coming from…
I leapt through the common room and streaked up to the boys' dormitory. Fortunately, no one was in. The smell of Scabbers was strongest on Ron's bed. I leapt on top of his bed, then skidded to a stop. On Ron's bed sheet, there was a small, but nonetheless noticeable puddle of blood. It had soaked through the sheet. It was Scabbers' blood, of that I was sure. But strangely, the scent did not end there, nor did the trail. My cat vision could see small droplets of blood, invisible to human eyes, dotting a tiny trail to the end of Ron's sheet, and then the scent of Scabbers' blood led me back out of the room and down to the common room and then out into the hallway. It was difficult, if not impossible, to trace his scent on the stone floor of the castle. I lost it completely as I neared the end of the hallway, unable to tell whether Scabbers had gone up or down or even into the wall.
My heart sank to my very claws. No… He was the only lead I had. I was sure I could catch him. Where has he gone? And why now? What a strange coincidence, that he would be hurt and run off now, just when I'd made up my mind to go after him for real… Then, I paused. No, this isn't just coincidence. It can't be. It's too well laid-out for that. It's a cover-up, I realized slowly. Scabbers… He knew. Somehow, he knew I was coming for him.
I raced back up to the boys' dormitory. Let's try again, I thought. Seamus and Dean were just returning to the library. I was able to slink into their dormitory room behind Seamus just as the door closed. Once inside, I quickly slid under one of the beds to keep out of sight.
"What's that you're holding?" Dean asked Seamus. "You've been holding it since we left the library."
"Oh yeah," Seamus replied, "Madam Pince told me Neville forgot his cloak in the library this morning and gave it to me to give back." Though I couldn't see, Seamus presumably tossed the cloak through the air and onto a random chair. It landed with a soft whomp.
The force of the cloak landing on the chair rustled nearby papers and a small piece of paper fluttered down until it rested on the floor just a few feet away, half-under the bed and half-poking out. I hesitated, and then scooted slightly closer to the paper, shimmying towards it while keeping myself pressed flat to the floor as there wasn't all that much space between the bottom of the bed and the carpet. I awkwardly craned my head to look it, smushing my ears up against the bottom of Neville's bed.
It was indeed a small piece of paper, obviously ripped from a larger sheet of parchment, and it had loopy letters all over it in black ink, as though it had been written hurriedly and not on a flat surface. I tilted my head to make out the words scrawled frantically on the small piece of paper: Flibbertigibbet, Oddsbodikins, Scurvy cur… My eyes widened. Wait a minute. I recognize these. These are Gryffindor passwords. The first few are for the past couple weeks, and so the remaining ones must be… the coming weeks' passwords. I picked it up in my jaws and waited for my moment to escape.
A little while later, I heard the door open and quickly poked my head out from under Neville's bed. It was Neville and Ron. Ron was holding Harry's Firebolt. Unfortunately, Ron spotted my head poking out from under the bed.
"Crookshanks!" he said angrily. "Get out of here! Go to Hermione!" He walked over to me quickly and tried to push me along with the end of the Firebolt. I couldn't mew, as I was holding the piece of paper in my mouth. Deciding it was best to get out of there, I bowed my head low to the ground and scurried out of there quickly, avoiding Ron's jabs with the end of the broomstick.
"Ron!" Seamus said indignantly. "That's a Firebolt! You can't use it that way. It's downright disrespectful!"
"Can I hold it?" he asked immediately afterwards, his voice pleading.
"Hands off, it's Harry's," Ron was saying, as I slipped down the staircase back to the common room.
"Harry would let me. C'mon, Ron, I just want to hold it…"
Back down in the common room, I focused once more on Scabbers' scent, this time tracing it around the common room. I slunk under chairs and drawers and tables to follow it. At one point, I was under Hermione's chair, though she didn't seem to notice, as she was speaking with Harry.
"How are you getting through all this stuff?" Harry was asking her.
"Oh well, you know…" Hermione said. "Working hard."
"Why don't you just drop a couple of subjects?" Harry asked her.
"I couldn't do that!" Hermione replied, scandalized.
I moved past them and slid under another drawer, determined to follow Scabbers' scent this time.
"Arithmancy looks terrible," Harry was saying.
"Oh no," Hermione said, her voice a bit brighter. "It's my favorite subject! It's - "
At that moment, there was a strangled yell that echoed down the boys' s staircase. I paused. I was in the middle of squeezing underneath a bookcase close to the common room door. Footsteps came racing down the stairs. I tried to turn my head, but under this bookcase, I couldn't. All I could do was hear the scene that unfolded.
"Look!" That yelling voice was unmistakably Ron's, and that scratching along the carpet told me that he was dragging something along. Immediately, I knew what it was – the bedsheet.
"Look!" Ron yelled again.
"Ron, what-?" Hermione said, bewildered.
My heart sank. Oh, Hermione. I'm so sorry.
"Scabbers! Look! SCABBERS!"
"Ron…"
"Blood! HE'S GONE! And you know what was on the floor?"
"N-no," Hermione said, her voice quivering.
"CROOKSHANK'S FUR!" Ron bellowed at her.
There was a shaken silence.
Then, Hermione said, "But Ron… T-Think about it. Those cat hairs could have been there since Christmas…"
"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Hermione!" Ron shouted. "You're still going to stick up for that big fat hairball of yours? After this?"
"I'm sorry, but think about it-"
"You've never cared about Scabbers! You never took it seriously when I told you he was after him!"
"Because you've been prejudiced against Crookshanks since she landed on your head in the Magical Menagerie!"
"And why did she attack me then? Or don't you remember?" Ron yelled back angrily. "Because she was after Scabbers, even then!"
"Hermione…" Harry said, trying to soften his voice. "Look at the evidence. I get that Crookshanks is your cat, but… I mean, don't you think it looks like Crookshanks ate Sc-?"
"Okay, side with Ron, I knew you would!" Hermione said shrilly. "First the Firebolt, now Scabbers, everything's my fault, isn't it? Just leave me alone, I've got a lot of work to do!" She stormed off.
I hesitated, feeling torn between running up to comfort her and to sticking with Scabbers' trail. But I had to go with the trail. I had to make this all worth it. However, to my utter frustration, the trail once again went cold at the end of the hallway. It was truly impossible to tell where Scabbers might have gone.
Giving up on finding Scabbers' trail for now, I ran outside into the Forbidden Forest yet again, still clutching the piece of paper carefully in my mouth. When I neared Padfoot's hiding place, I pawed away a mound of snow until I reached the dirt. Then, I carefully set the piece of paper down and rolled a rock over it before I approached Sirius' hiding spot. I let out a soft mew.
But a muffled woof came from behind me. I turned to see Padfoot bounding up with a Daily Prophet in his jaws. He set it down in the snow and came up to me. He cocked his head and whined, and I thought I could finally understand some of his dog language. He was asking if I'd found Scabbers, or so I believed. I hesitated, wondering how to explain what had happened.
I looked up at the sky and found a tree bearing red berries. I deftly scaled the tree up the branch, where I picked off a spring of red berries with my mouth before leaping back down. I squished some berries between my paws, pushing them against the snowy ground to make them burst. I smeared one crimson paw against the white snow and then against my belly. I slowly rolled over onto my back, though I felt terribly uncomfortable in such a vulnerable position.
Padfoot came closer and tried to put his paw on my belly. I rolled over, avoiding his paw, but still pretending to be limp. This happened a few times, where I was "playing dead", as it were. Finally, I flipped over and burrowed into the snow. Padfoot yelped and jumped back at my sudden movement. But as I crept under the snow, only to pop out a few feet away, I saw the light bulb go off in his eyes. Padfoot's ears strained back and he growled a very deep growl of anger. I shrunk back instinctively. Padfoot shook his head and then slowly trotted over to me. He gently put his paw on my head, as if to thank me for trying. I peeked out at him from under his paw and then slipped out.
Nodding my head at him to follow, I turned and leapt over to the rock. Padfoot followed me curiously. I put my paw down on the paper and then put my other paw on the rock and mewed, asking him to move it. He put one paw out and pushed, easily rolling the rock away. Then, he came around to my side and bent his shaggy head down to read the note. He looked at me, confused. I sighed, frustrated with how difficult communication was between us. I tried to do my best imitation of a lion, to indicate Gryffindor, and hopefully from there, he would figure out that this was a list of passwords for the Gryffindor common room. I let out a yowl that sounded nothing like a roar, but it must have been sufficient because Padfoot's eyes widened and he barked excitedly. He carefully took the piece of paper in his mouth and immediately ran to his hiding spot. After storing it away, he came bounding back to me.
Then, he grinned a goofy dog grin – eyes closed, lips pulled back and tongue slightly sticking out, and let out a strange sound that wasn't exactly a huff and wasn't exactly a bark. But I knew. This idiot was laughing at me, making fun of me. Padfoot imitated me, throwing his head back to let out a mock growl. I stared at him with my eyes narrowed. You little…
Still laughing, Padfoot rolled around in the snow for a bit while I stared at him disapprovingly. When I stayed where I was, totally still, as was a cat's expression of being peeved, he finally calmed down and coming over to me, whined and put his head down next to me apologetically. I shot him a beady look. His eyes looked up at me and his jaws opened slightly as he panted contently, his tongue poking out slightly.
My human heart hurt so badly that it affected even my cat mentality. I slowly clambered on top of Padfoot's back. He gave a funny bark, as my feet padding around on his back felt ticklish. I laid down and curled up on his broad back for a moment. My cat self was a bit dazed by the intrusion of human emotions, so I rested on top of Padfoot for a while, and despite his visible restlessness and confusion, he let me stay like that.
Slowly, my cat senses started to win over again and I slid off. Padfoot stood up and looked down at me, cocking his head to the side. I tried to do what he had done to me and put my paw on his head, but once again, my reach was far too short. Failing miserably, I turned away. Padfoot stepped closer and butted his nose against my side. Turning back, I saw him put his head down slightly so I could pat his head. I did a few times, and then, with a mew, I turned away and raced back to the castle.
I slowed, however, as I neared the edge of the Forbidden Forest, just beside the Quidditch pitch. I could see a red-haired figure zooming around on a glistening broomstick – Ron, on the Firebolt. I paused and slowed to a stop. I saw Ron come down and give the broomstick back to Harry. They awoke Madam Hooch, who had been "watching" (behind closed eyes, as it were). As they started to make their way back to the castle, with Madam Hooch leading the way, they passed by where I was crouched under the leaves at the base of a tree.
Harry was talking to Ron when his eyes swept past Ron's shoulder and landed on me. He stopped in his tracks. He's got sharp eyes, I thought again.
"What's the matter?" Ron asked. Uh-oh, I thought. Ron's not going to want to see me. I was just about to leap out and run away when Ron muttered, "Lumos."
Light fell on me. Angrily, Ron yelled at me, "Get out of here!" He started to bend down to pick up a rock, but I'd already leapt away, further into the forest. I heard Ron drop the stone, but he said furiously to Harry, "See? She's still letting Crookshanks wander about wherever she wants – probably washing down Scabbers with a couple of birds now…"
Harry and Ron's voices faded away as they made their way up to the castle. I only followed them up when they were out of sight.
The next morning, the entire school headed down to the Quidditch pitch to see the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match. It was a clear, cool day with a soft breeze. Remus and I walked down together, where we joined McGonagall in the stands. As I took my usual spot besides McGonagall, she said in a clipped voice, "Aberforth has taken the trouble to inform me that he does not take Muggle letters to your 'IRS' office, if such an office exists."
I paused, mouth slightly open as I realized that Aberforth had subtly ratted me out. "That traitor," I muttered under my breath.
"What?" McGonagall said sharply.
"Nothing, Professor."
On my other side, Remus coughed slightly, trying to stop a smile from spreading across his face.
The players walked out onto the field to tumultuous applause. The Ravenclaw team was, of course, in blue robes, and the Gryffindor team in red robes. Madam Hooch blew her whistle, and the players took off. Lee Jordan, who was Jesse Jordan's son and Fred and George's good friend, was providing the commentary for the match, and it seemed that he was quite fixated on Harry's broom. "They're off, and the big excitement this match is the Firebolt that Harry Potter is flying for Gryffindor. According to Which Broomstick, the Firebolt's going to be the broom of choice for the national teams at this year's World Championship —"
"Jordan, would you mind telling us what's going on in the match?" interrupted Professor McGonagall.
"Right you are, Professor," Lee said, "I'm just giving a bit of background information. The Firebolt, incidentally, has a built-in auto-brake and —"
"Jordan!" McGonagall warned.
"Okay, okay," Lee relented. "Gryffindor in possession, Katie Bell of Gryffindor, heading for goal…" And Gryffindor did spectacularly, pulling ahead by eighty points.
"Gryffindor leads by eighty points to zero, and look at that Firebolt go!" Lee said excitedly. "Potter's really putting it through its paces now, see it turn — Chang's Comet is just no match for it, the Firebolt's precision — balance is really noticeable in these long —"
"JORDAN!" McGonagall said, fed up at last. "ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS? GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!" Remus laughed into his sweater sleeve.
But then, I saw Harry accelerate above. Having been a Seeker once myself, I was quicker to notice than most people. However, the Ravenclaw Seeker, Cho Chang, appeared to block him. Harry swerved to a stop to avoid hitting her. I could distantly hear Oliver Wood yell at Harry, "Harry, this is no time to be a gentleman! Knock her off her broom if you have to!"
She's marking him, I realized a split second later, as Cho tailed Harry. I shook my head and muttered to myself, "Bad strategy, Cho, when Harry's on a Firebolt. He'll outfly you…" Sure enough, Harry dived, and when Cho followed, Harry quickly pulled up out of the dive, having successfully feinted. Harry accelerated towards the Ravenclaw goal post. He was speeding towards them at a brilliant speed, when suddenly, Cho screamed.
Distracted, Harry looked down, as did the entire crowd. Three dementors were on the pitch, staring up at Harry. Besides me, Remus reached for his wand at once, but Harry didn't give Remus or the dementors a chance. He whipped out his wand without hesitation and shouted, "Expecto patronum!" An enormous silver-white stag erupted from the end of his wand. I gasped. Besides me, Remus had suddenly sat up. McGonagall, too, had put her hand on her mouth.
Prongs.
An old memory flashed through my mind. The Order members had all had to Disapparate from Alice and Frank's wedding to deal with the dementors that had appeared in Kensington Square. I'd found James lying in an alleyway. I'd rushed to his side and pulled him into my arms, begging him to wake up. His eyes slowly opened, and he said my name. "Raylynx?" He tried to explain to me what had happened. "I couldn't make the Patronus come. I think it's because… with my parents gone, it's just been making things heavier lately."
"I know," I said.
James' eyes flickered to mine. "Thank you," he said feelingly. He reached over and grasped my hand for a moment.
Without thinking, I also reached out and grasped Remus' arm tightly.
But Harry didn't seem to notice his Patronus, for he was intent on catching the Snitch- and catch it, he did. The whistle sounded. The Gryffindor spectators erupted in cheers and the Gryffindor team raced towards Harry.
As the rush of adrenaline slowly stilled, I realized what I was doing. "Sorry, Remus," I said, and quickly pulled my hand away from him.
Remus shook his head slightly and murmured, "I guess the stag toys won out after all..."
Remus offered me his hand as he stood up. "Come," he beckoned. "We should go down and see Harry."
As we made it down the stands, I said quietly, "Remus, that was a full-bodied Patronus."
"Yes, it's quite a feat for someone as young as Harry," Remus replied. "I would have thought it nearly impossible for a third-year to achieve a full-bodied Patronus… But it seems I was wrong." I detected a strong note of pride in his voice.
When we got down to the pitch, with McGonagall behind us, Madam Hooch rushed over to McGonagall and fiercely whispered something to her. McGonagall looked furious and she stormed off with Madam Hooch.
Remus seemed to be intent on finding Harry in the crowd, but I tugged on his hand. A bit confused, he followed me. A minute later, we came to the side of the pitch, where four people were lying against the wall: Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Marcus Flint (the Slytherin Quidditch Captain). "What- What the hell was that silver thing?" Flint was saying, shaken.
"They were pretending to be dementors," Hooch explained to McGonagall. "To try to distract Potter, no doubt."
I bristled. Remus noticed my eyes sharpening and said quickly, "Let's leave this to McGonagall. We really should find Harry."
Remus led the way back through the crowd. We found Harry being hugged and patted and cheered on by Gryffindors all around him. Ron was yelling, "Yes!" and yanking Harry's arm into the air. Hagrid was standing a little way outside of the crowd, but he too was cheering in his booming voice, "Ruddy brilliant!"
Remus and I managed to sidle in between the students. "That was quite some Patronus," Remus said in Harry's ear.
"Professor Lupin! Professor Kingsley! The dementors didn't affect me at all!" Harry said excitedly. "I didn't feel a thing!"
"That would be because they- er- weren't dementors," Remus explained. "Come and see." We led Harry out of the crowd.
"You gave Mr. Malfoy quite a fright," I told Harry as we looked at the four Slytherins struggling to disentangle from their robes. Meanwhile, McGonagall was yelling at them. "An unworthy trick! A low and cowardly attempt to sabotage the Gryffindor Seeker! Detention for all of you, and fifty points from Slytherin! I shall be speaking to Professor Dumbledore about this, make no mistake! Ah, here he comes now!"
That night, I transformed as Crookshanks to spend time with Hermione, but the party in the Gryffindor common room was too much for me. I left quickly and returned to my own chambers. I washed myself and got into pajamas before I sat down and wrote a letter to Jasper.
Dear Jasper,
I hope you're doing all right. I worry a lot about you – the Auror shifts seem brutal. I hope you're able to get enough rest somehow.
I paused, feeling a slight pang of guilt as I wrote this. I knew where Sirius was, and I knew Jasper's shifts weren't going to less any time soon. I sighed and put my quill back to the paper.
Jasper, if at all possible, could I meet with you in person? I have something I need to tell you about. I'll come to wherever you are. Just let me know the closest place to you where we can meet.
Yours truly,
Raylynx
I stared at the letter for a long while before finally sealing it away in an envelope. I heard Sola's voice in my mind: "We don't know what this all means... There's simply nothing that he can give you." I couldn't deny the truth of her words. Who knew whether a relationship with Sirius was even possible? He likely did not have feelings for me anymore, or, even more likely, simply was not concerned at all about a relationship, in light of all that he had suffered and given that he was still on the run from the Ministry. True, I had been deeply hurt when he didn't come to me straightaway, but now I had learned to mentally make peace with the fact that he was focused on something else right now. And even after he accomplished whatever he'd come to Hogwarts for, who knew if he would come find me? It had been twelve years, after all - twelve years in Azkaban. My emotional expectations, of course, were different - I wanted to love him, and for him to love me back. I wanted him to look at me and to hold me, and let me do the same for him. But I could handle disappointment, I told myself. And even if it felt like I couldn't right now, I would find a way - for Sirius' sake, and because it was the right thing to do.
And I knew that to everybody else, I looked like I was being completely unreasonable. For nearly everybody, it seemed that Sirius had died the day he was dragged to Azkaban. To them, he didn't truly exist anymore. So, why was I throwing away wonderful opportunities for someone who wasn't "real", who wasn't ever by me, who had been branded by the world as a traitor and a convict, who didn't even give me the time of day back in Hogwarts? I knew that to everybody else, it just looked like I was chasing this man who had never been there for me or loved me back. I knew all this. And yet... None of them had seen how Sirius had held back his temper and his impatience to be with me when I returned after leaving the Order. He'd ignored his sense of pride and shown me his utter vulnerability just to spend a few hours with me between my coming and going. Sirius had shown me love. It had all been between us, though, like some strange dream world we went to together, but no one else could say existed at all And it made a difference, that Sirius and I had had that time together, no matter how short or secret it was.
But on the other hand, it was never about that. It wasn't about what Sirius could ever "give" me. I suppose if that was the question, well, speaking quite frankly, why wouldn't I stay with Jasper, who was always so strong and reliable and accomplished? Practically speaking, Jasper was not only the person closest to me right now, but also the most mature and kind person I had ever known. I knew that I was beyond lucky to be with him, and unforgivably foolish if I let him go. But that simply wasn't the point. It wasn't about doing the right intelligent, calculated thing. It was just about doing the right thing. In a way, even my love for Sirius was secondary. The primary reason for everything was that... I saw who he was. I knew him. I just did. And I don't know why, and I don't know why it was Sirius, either. But it was. It just... was. Maybe that was why it hurt so much.
With the back of my hand, I wiped away the tears that were starting to form in my eyes before I lay in bed, clutching my pillow tightly and praying that I would be able to sleep. I did eventually fall asleep, though my slumber was punctuated by an odd, frightening dream of a large silver stag trying to fight a huge black serpent with glowing green eyes and fangs. In the distance, a large, black dog growled, and his growls sounded like thunder. I was trying desperately to conjure a Patronus of my own, but it wouldn't come. I tried time and time again, but only silver wisps appeared from the end of my wand. And I just knew that the stag was dying, was being slowly choked to death by the massive serpent…
"No!" I shouted, and I sat up in my bed.
To my surprise, a voice said, "Raylynx?"
It took me a moment to realize that a loud knock on my door had actually woken me up. I hurried over to the door and unlatched it. Professor McGonagall was standing there with a most severe expression on her face.
"Professor McGonagall!" I said. "What time…?"
"Three in the morning," McGonagall said tersely. "I need you on watch, Raylynx." I quickly grabbed my wand and cloak and followed her out of my chambers and then out of my larger office.
Remus was waiting outside. We joined him and began to head to the Great Hall together, where all of the teachers were gathering to organize a search.
"Professor, what's happened?" I asked McGonagall.
"Sirius Black has infiltrated Hogwarts once again. What's more, he managed to enter the Gryffindor common room. He slashed Ronald Weasley's curtains with a knife, but he was scared off when Mr. Weasley woke up and shouted, alerting all of Gryffindor Tower as to Sirius Black's intrusion."
"He… slashed the curtains? Of Ron Weasley's bed?" I said. My instincts were right. He must have been looking for Scabbers.
"Yes, so far as I understand," McGonagall replied. Fortunately for me, most of my face was hidden in the darkness, with the only light coming from the end of our wand tips.
We reached the Great Hall, where we were assigned different sections of the castle to search. Remus, Snape, and I were to head down and comb different parts of the dungeons. Snape was stone-faced as we made our way down to the dungeons, and he split off from Remus and me as quickly as possible. I made to branch off into the next section of the dungeons when Remus suddenly grabbed my shoulder. I turned to look at him. "Remus?" I said.
His eyes had a strange light in them as he asked me, "You're not going to ask how Sirius got into Gryffindor Tower?" A beat of silence. Then, Remus was gone.
