Raylynx's POV
Twelve years apart, and all the physical and emotional changes that occurred during that time, did nothing to change the fact that we fit against each other perfectly.
Home.
He was home.
I was home.
He was murmuring with his lips against my hair and he barely knew what he was saying and I certainly didn't hear a thing he said- I was so concentrated on, so lost in, just the simple sound of his voice. That was enough for me.
But of course, he was so much more. He was the tension wrapped around my shoulders and the warmth at my chest. He closed his eyes as he held me tightly. Raindrops scattered down his long eyelashes, mirroring the tears caught in my own.
I reached up to touch his face, but realizing that we were, quite literally, in plain sight, I took his arm and dragged him back down the street. He managed to snatch up the umbrella on the ground as we went. I'd already forgotten all about it.
I fumbled at the doorknob with my shaking hand, but finally managed to push open the front door. We'd just made it past the doorway when I turned and embraced him with enough force to knock his back against the front door. The door shut with our weight.
I hugged him so tightly it probably hurt, and I gripped the back of his shirt in my trembling hands. With my arms around him like that, I could feel how skinny he was. My hands traveled up the back of his shirt cautiously, feeling his thin frame through his loose clothing. He felt so frail and gaunt. I buried my face in his chest, trying to control myself. I knew I shouldn't be crying like this. I knew I should make sure that he was all right first and talk about what had happened, if that was possible. I needed to control my emotions and take care of him. But I couldn't seem to help myself. The tears were falling fast and catching in the front of his shirt. I couldn't seem to control my breathing, half-gasping as I sobbed.
"It's all right. Don't cry," he murmured. "I'm here now." I felt his hands in my hair as he tried to comfort me.
No, I thought again. I should be the one comforting him. But seeing him after so many years of waiting with the barest hope made me dissolve in an uncontrollable way. I'd never been so overwhelmed by relief. Yes, I'd been overwhelmed before by fear, panic, pain. But in a way, they sharpened your focus. In contrast, the sense of relief coursing through my body was liquifying. Everything spilled out of me like water emptying out of a smashed glass container.
"Is it really you?" I whispered, pulling back slightly to look up at him. His face was pale, though no longer sallow, and his skin was drawn tight over his jaw and cheekbones. His eyes were sunken, nearly hooded.
He was almost unrecognizable from the man he had been twelve and a half years ago. And yet- "It is," I breathed out. "It is you. You're back. You came to me. I wanted to see you." My breath hitched as tears flowed down my cheeks. "I was wondering why- why you didn't- I mean, I was waiting for you…"
Upon hearing my words, something inside Sirius locked, hard and cold, like steel gates. The warmth and joy he felt at seeing me again and holding me slowly but surely melted away. I didn't notice, however, as I stood on my tiptoes and hugged him around his neck. He allowed me to cling onto him for three seconds before he put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me away.
"Raylynx, you need to calm down," he said, almost apathetically.
I nodded and took a shuddering deep breath. I couldn't stop gazing at him. He shifted his face away from me. That was my first sign that something was deeply wrong between us.
Ray, you have to hold yourself together. I willed my tears to stop and my heartbeat to slow. Trying to speak coherently, I asked in a more controlled voice, "When did you get here?"
"Last night."
"How?" I asked, still a little breathless. I was wondering where Buckbeak was, but I didn't dare to ask him such a direct question.
"By hippogriff," Sirius said, and the tiniest spark of humor lit up within him as he shot me an out-of-practice, but nonetheless sly, smirk.
I beamed in response, overreacting to his reply. Ray, control yourself! I tried to flatten my lips as I said, "You must be exhausted. Are you hungry? I can make you anything you want. Do you want to take a shower? You can borrow Jamie's old clothes." I babbled on for a good ten seconds before I managed to shut my mouth.
"I'm fine," he said quietly. "It's late. I'll head to sleep if you do."
I nodded. "Take the master bedroom. It's empty," I said.
"Actually, Buckbeak's in there. The hippogriff," Sirius replied.
I laughed lightly. "So the hippogriff gets the master bedroom. Makes sense."
"It was the only room where he would fit comfortably."
"Then take Jamie's room," I offered him.
"All right," he said.
There was a pause.
"Don't you want to get out of your cloak?" Sirius asked me.
"What?" I said, staring at him.
"You should probably get changed," he repeated, turning away from me.
"Oh, yes. One moment. I'll be right back!" I hurried to my room where I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and changed into my pajamas in a frantic daze. My heartbeat was utterly erratic as I stumbled back out of my room. Almost in a rush, I went to Jamie's bedroom. Sirius was sitting on the bed, thinking to himself. He looked up when I came in.
"You don't want to change?" I asked him. He was wearing clean robes, but they weren't exactly pajamas. I opened Jamie's cabinet to find some shirts still tucked away.
"I'm fine," he said. "Unless you want me to," he added.
I held out a bright yellow shirt with the words "Quiberon Quafflepunchers" plastered on the front.
Sirius paused. "I'll stick with what I've got, if that's all right with you."
"I don't mind," I replied, shrugging. "I just want you to be comfortable." I stuck the shirt back into the cabinet and turned around to look at him again.
He didn't say anything back, nor was he looking back at me. I knew that I had to match Sirius' energy and let him take the reins. After all, Sirius was the one who had suffered in Azkaban for the past twelve years. Not to mention, Peter had escaped, leaving him unable to prove his innocence. I had to be there for him. But right now, the situation was switched because I couldn't control my emotions. He had to be the one accommodating me. So, taking a deep breath, I made an effort to calm myself down. It was difficult, though, if not impossible because I felt so keyed up, highly anxious and ecstatic. He was here, in front of me. It was really him. He finally trusted me.
And having him here in front of me, I suddenly felt sure that things were going to work out. For starters, Harry was finally going to have his godfather. I should have noticed the skeptical look in Sirius' eyes, but I didn't. Finally, Sirius said, "Raylynx, you're pacing. Relax, or you'll have no carpet left."
"Sorry," I said, not realizing what I was doing. I came and sat next to him and stared at his face hungrily. He looked away, suddenly uncomfortable with how I was looking at him, when he knew that after twelve years in Azkaban, he was no longer the young man he once was. The old hurts and insecurities were beginning to grow in Sirius' heart.
I started to reach for him again, lifting my hand. For a moment, I thought he would let me touch his face, but then he turned away from me.
I hesitated. "Can I do anything for you?" I asked him, trying to modulate my voice to a quieter tone.
"No," Sirius said, shaking his head. "You should sleep, Raylynx. It's nearly one in the morning."
"Does it matter?" I replied. "You're here."
"Yes, but-" Sirius stopped himself and then just said, "I think it's better if we sleep for now." His tone was even, but reserved.
I nodded, still trying to calm my madly fluttering heart.
I laid down at the edge of the bed. Sirius settled back on the opposite end. We weren't close to each other at all. But I was starting to realize that Sirius wanted his space. I turned around as subtly as I could to gaze at him until my eyes slipped shut. After so many years and months of not being able to sleep, just having him in my vicinity was more soothing and warm than any lullaby and amazingly, I was able to sort-of fall asleep for a little while. Please don't let this be a dream, I prayed, just before my mind fell into the subconscious realm.
My eyes flashed open. I groggily reached behind me, only to pat empty air.
Confused, I sat up. I was still in Jamie's bedroom, but Sirius was gone. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was only half past three in the morning. My immediate instinct was to run like a madman and search for him, but I sleepily and sternly told myself to get it together.
I managed to stumble out of bed and into the kitchen and living room area. The kitchen was empty. I hesitated and headed into the living room. There, I saw Sirius on the floor, sitting in front of the fireplace.
"Si…rius?" I bleated out tiredly.
He looked over at me as I clumsily fell on the floor beside him.
"Sorry, I can't really sleep in beds anymore…" Sirius said.
"S' fine," I mumbled. "You're… here."
Sitting next to him and with my arms and head on the couch, I fell asleep again in front of the fireplace.
Sirius' POV
I finally allowed myself to look at Raylynx - really look at her. I hadn't been able to see her face as she had kept holding onto me and then, I'd found myself too embarrassed to return her overeager gaze before. Nonsensically, she had kept looking at me as though I was some sort-of angel or something, and I most certainly wasn't. I thought about how she had reacted to seeing me. I'd never seen her cry like that. And she had held onto me so tightly, as though this was all she had ever wanted, ever hoped for, these past twelve years. But if I had truly meant so much to her, why hadn't she come found me before - either at Azkaban or in this past year? Was it that she was happy to see me if I came to her first, but she wouldn't come after me herself because she was now tied to another man?
My eyes traced her form and her face, as she rested beside me. She was sleeping peacefully with her arms and head on the sofa. The moonlight that filtered in through the windows shifted lightly on her face, like shallow water trying to catch fire. The years after Voldemort's downfall had given her a grace that she hadn't had before. Not in the sense of remarkable or newfound beauty, rather - it was something that everyone goes through, a settling into yourself. And she had that now, or at least, more than before. I did not.
It struck me that I didn't have it in me anymore to try to change her mind. I wasn't the young, arrogant Sirius who had been so confident about receiving other people's affections. I had nothing to offer her now. If I still loved her, so what? Could I ask her, in good faith, to leave someone to come to me? Even without Jasper, could I ask her to bind herself to me - a man who hadn't seen the light of day for twelve years, and who was still a fugitive? A terrible bitterness rose up within me. I didn't know why, or who I was angry at, even - me or her or Jasper or Peter. It all meshed together into a terrible, spiteful fury. I couldn't stand to look at her any longer. I got up and walked away.
Raylynx's POV
When I woke up for the third time, yet again alone, I felt my heart sink. The clock told me that it was nearly six in the morning. I slowly got up and walked to the kitchen to get a drink of water to clear my head when I saw Sirius standing there. He seemed to be staring at the window, even though the curtains were drawn over it, but when I came in, he quickly turned to face the cupboards, turning his back on me.
Just by looking at his back, I could tell that there was something deeply wrong. Instantly, full-blown worry and regret crashed into me.
"Sirius?" I called in a very quiet voice.
He didn't respond for a long, aching moment.
I knew I made a mistake. It shouldn't have been him taking care of me. It should have been the other way around.
Then, Sirius spoke. "Seeing you here, seeing you greet me like this- it's like not a day has gone by since I last saw you, and yet-" His voice choked, and I thought I heard a dry sob.
I started to step towards him, but he began to speak again.
"Twelve years…" Sirius' voice was low and tight as he spoke. I stopped in my tracks and looked at his back, suddenly afraid and feeling like I was about to burst into tears.
"Twelve years of falling deeper and deeper into madness and darkness… Do you know what that's like?"
"Twelve years of losing yourself… until all that remains is your deepest, darkest memories and the unwelcome reminder that you are actually innocent…" He put his hands on the countertop in front of him, on either side of the sink, and gripped it tightly as he murmured with his head bowed down, "Every day for twelve years, I lost James and Lily. Every day for twelve years, I had to leave behind Regulus." He gripped the counter hard for a moment, his knuckles white, before he straightened up and turned around.
Our eyes met. I held my breath. His eyebrows drew together and he spoke as though he were in physical pain.
"Twelve years… There was plenty of time to investigate."
My heart dropped. I knew where this was going. He paused for a moment, but I didn't dare to interrupt him.
"In twelve years, did you never consider, for even one second, that I might be innocent? Did you never have even one moment where you trusted me? Neither you nor Remus nor Dumbledore… After everything we had been through, not one of you thought I deserved a chance at defense?"
I opened my mouth and whispered in a hoarse, scratchy voice, "We… We did."
"Maybe twelve years of falling into insanity has warped my memory, but weren't we together back then? Or am I remembering that incorrectly?" Sirius asked, bitingly sarcastic. "Because I thought that when you love someone, you believe in them. Or have I got it all wrong? I am fucked up in the head, after all. I always was, wasn't I? Even before Azkaban. So imagine what twelve years of Azkaban did to me." His voice turned unbearably bitter by the end of his short speech.
My breath caught when I tried to respond.
"Am I wrong?" Sirius said, challenging me. He stared down at me, demanding to be answered.
"You're not wrong," I whispered in a voice so soft the words couldn't actually be heard.
"So, what were we?" he asked me, almost coldly. He appraised me with those stormy eyes of his, shutting me out completely.
I was silent.
"Were we together or not?" he demanded.
Numbly, I murmured, "We were. We were together."
Sirius let out a disbelieving scoff. "How could you have thought for a second that it was me? The others, I can understand. Dumbledore never trusted me in the first place. And of course, he would have anticipated that we'd tell him about the switch. Even Remus, I get. The whole plan was disguised to leave him out. But you, I let you in! I was so vulnerable with you… I knew how smart you were. I knew you would figure it out even if I didn't tell you directly. And you did! You figured out that I wasn't the Secret-Keeper the second you realized my guards were down! I remember that night. You even brought me flowers…"
His voice died down and he said in a soft, but pained voice. "So then, why…?"
Silence fell over us both.
He sighed. "Even after twelve years, I don't get it. I just don't understand. And I know that I should love you. I know that I did, truly. And when I see you, I still feel those old feelings… I can't help that."
"But right now, I can't even bring myself to look at you," Sirius breathed out. "Because I can't understand you."
I stared at him, trying desperately not to let the hurt break through my expression.
"You act like you love me still," he accused. "You act like you want to be with me, as if I'm important to you, as if you trust me, as if you were waiting for me…But then, where were you… for the last twelve years?"
A ringing silence filled the space between us. I wanted desperately to break it. I wanted to reach out to him, to hold him again. But he was telling me that I didn't have that right. He was telling me that he questioned everything about us and what we were. What could I say to that?
"See," Sirius said, and his voice was dead, "it just doesn't add up."
Say something. You have to show him that you trust him, that you love him. Show him. Tell him!
"Sirius, I tried." As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted them. I felt how utterly insufficient they were. It sounded worse than not saying anything at all. Because the reality was that no matter my efforts, I had failed. "Tried" meant that he was still suffering in Azkaban. It meant that he had to doubt me. It meant that he had never felt believed in for even one moment. It meant twelve long, dark years of suffering. He doesn't know about my efforts because none of them succeeded. In his eyes, I did nothing, and to suddenly celebrate his return as though I did something for him… How could I be so ecstatic at his being back, when he must feel as though everyone abandoned him and he had to do it all himself? I must look like the most selfish and hypocritical person alive to him.
"During those twelve years, I…" I started, but I found it impossible to articulate what it was I wanted to say. I tried again. "I thought of you every day."
Sirius shook his head. When he looked up, his eyes were tortured. "You don't understand…" he said, his voice strangely twisted with emotion. "Had I but seen you in person once during those twelve years…" He broke off.
Finding my voice again, I said hotly, "Sirius, if they had let me visit you, I would have been there! You know I would have -"
Upon hearing my words, Sirius stepped before me and grabbed my shoulders tightly. His hands were feverishly hot, burning through my thin sleeves. He swallowed hard before saying hoarsely, "Every day for twelve years, I had to witness you dying in front of my eyes… You drowned over and over again, and I couldn't save you... And when I tried to touch you, to bring you back, your body broke into glass... And every piece cut me, bled me dry."
His voice broke as he choked out, "I lost you every day. Every single day." He suddenly jolted forward, and abruptly walked past me.
A dead silence reigned in his sudden absence. I shivered slightly and hurriedly crossed my arms to keep my posture upright, trying to deny that my heart was fracturing within me.
Remus' POV
As soon as I returned to Raylynx's house, I could feel that the atmosphere was off – tense, almost. It was a familiar feeling, as it was the atmosphere my parents created whenever they argued over whether or not I should undergo a new experiment to "eradicate my wolfishness".
Raylynx greeted me cheerfully enough, but she looked tired. "Hello, Remus." She smiled and joked, "Long time, no see."
I returned her smile before asking, "Where's Sirius?"
She started to reply when Sirius himself walked into the kitchen.
"Look at you, asking after me," Sirius said. "I knew you missed me, Moons."
He sat beside me and asked, "Did you get all of your stuff?"
"Someone stole the furniture, but I got the Christmas tree," I said, shrugging. I fished out a charm-sized Christmas tree from my pocket, as I'd shrunk it with magic after dragging it out of the storage area.
"It's a shame about the furniture," Raylynx said. "We could have put it in your room. Since you only have a bed and nightstand."
"It's all right," I replied. "It was fairly broken-down, anyways. Well, I'm sure you remember."
"Are you sure you won't take Sola's room?" Raylynx asked me. She poured us all some tea.
I accepted mine gratefully.
"Thanks," Sirius said gruffly, not looking at her as he took the cup from her. He grabbed the mug from the bottom instead of the handle.
"Be careful. You'll burn yourself," Raylynx said quietly.
Sirius didn't reply.
I paused, and then I said, a bit awkwardly, "I'm fine where I am. Thanks, Raylynx. I would prefer not to move into Sola's room."
"Well, then. That can be Harry's room," Raylynx said brightly.
Sirius' head snapped up. "What?"
"I asked him to come stay with me over the summer," she said, beaming.
Sirius' face lit up. Raylynx couldn't see his face because he was sitting in the chair that positioned his back to her, but the joy on Sirius' face could not be plainer.
I looked at Raylynx, pleased but also surprised. "Harry will be here? With the three of us?" I asked.
Raylynx nodded. "Yes," she said happily. "He'll be here in three weeks' time."
She let out a contented sigh. "I finally told Harry that I'm his godmother."
Sirius frowned. Slowly, he said "You didn't tell him before? That you were his godmother."
I looked uneasily at Raylynx.
"Yes," she said honestly. "I told him for the first time at the end of the year."
"But there's a reason I didn't-" she began to explain herself, but Sirius had also started speaking.
"I was shocked to find him at the Dursleys. You know what Lily's sister was like. Why didn't you take care of Harry?" Sirius said. "I thought he'd be with you from the very beginning. How could you leave him to a family that hated magic?" His voice was quiet, but Raylynx and I could both tell that he was holding himself back.
"I wanted to, Sirius. Believe me," Raylynx said, keeping her voice soft and calming. "But Dumbledore decided it would best if Harry grew up in a non-magical family. To get a sense of normalcy before having to deal with being famous in the Wizarding World."
Sirius shook his head angrily. "That's not – The Dursleys are not a normal family. When I saw Harry, I found him on the street with his suitcase. He was running away. You don't run away like that if your family feels like real family."
I knew that Sirius was referring to how he had run away from his own family.
Raylynx put down her cup of tea on the counter behind her. I could tell she was chewing on what to say. Finally, she told him, "It was safer for Harry."
"Safer? Than to be with you?" Sirius finally turned around and looked at her. "Please, tell me how Harry could be safer with a Muggle family that never looked after him properly. Enlighten me."
Raylynx had an odd expression on her face, as though she knew what she wanted to say, but for some reason, she couldn't say it.
Sirius gave her a long moment to respond. When she still didn't respond, he got up abruptly and left the kitchen.
"Raylynx, he'll come around. Just give him time," I said, trying to comfort her.
Raylynx smiled gratefully at me, but her eyes were sad.
The three of us stayed in our separate rooms for most of the day.
I did check on Buckbeak once, only to find Raylynx in there.
"No, drop it. I said to drop it!"
I watched as, with an enormous effort, she managed to tug something out from Buckbeak's clasped beak.
Buckbeak snorted angrily and beat his wings.
"You can't have it!" Raylynx said, frustrated. "You stick to your ferrets, now."
Buckbeak eyed her sharply, but when Raylynx stood her ground, he finally sank down to the floor.
"What was that about?"
Hearing my voice, Raylynx turned around, though she kept her hands behind her.
"Nothing," she replied quickly. "I came in here to make sure Buckbeak had food and water and I saw him trying to chomp - well, one of my friend's old things, so I was trying to stop him."
"Oh." I frowned. "We should really empty this room out of objects he could try to eat..."
"Well, there's not much in here," she replied. "It was just something... something he'd left on the dresser."
"Anyways," Raylynx said brightly, "Buckbeak's fed now. I'll be off, then." She awkwardly left the room, sliding around me as I stood in the doorway, appraising her with an amused, but altogether disbelieving expression.
Around dinnertime, I heard a soft knock on my door.
"Remus, are you hungry?" Raylynx called from the other side of the door.
I got up from my bed, where I had been working on job applications. In truth, working on job applications for odd jobs after working at Hogwarts was depressing me, so Raylynx's interruption was more than welcome. I opened the door and stepped out quickly so she wouldn't see the papers littering my bed.
"Sorry, lost track of time," I said. "What should we make?"
"Oh, right," Raylynx replied. "You can actually cook. I was just going to make pasta…"
"Pasta sounds good. We can just throw in whatever vegetables or meats you have."
"You make it sound so easy," she said, as we headed towards the kitchen.
"It is," I replied, smiling a little.
As we prepared the pasta together, Raylynx remarked, "James used to say something similar, only it was about spells. I asked him how he picked up spells so quickly, and he told me to 'just wave my wand and say the incantation'." She laughed and shook her head. "Technically, most of magic is just that, isn't it?"
"That was the thing about James," I recalled. "He didn't know how he was so good at stuff. He always took it for granted. So, even though he appeared brilliant, as soon as you asked him simple questions, you realized he could be a complete idiot."
"It always amazed McGonagall that James was one of the best at Transfiguration," I said, remembering McGonagall's disbelieving face whenever James got a high-level spell right on the first try. "Since it's the most complex branch of magic, at least theoretically. And he always made it seem so simple."
"Maybe that's the trick," Raylynx said thoughtfully, as she added a touch of salt into the pasta water. "To not take things so seriously all the time."
When she spooned the finished pasta into bowls, she separated out three equal amounts.
We ate in silence, and I knew we were both waiting to see if Sirius would come and join us. He didn't.
Raylynx finished first, which was unusual. She usually took longer to finish her food than me. She put her empty bowl in the sink, and said, "Remus, that was so much better than the pasta I would have made. I forgot how nice it is to have you live here."
Then, she filled a cup with water and put the cup and the third bowl of pasta on the tray.
"He'll come out if he's hungry," I remarked.
"Maybe, but he needs to eat. He's only just starting to recover, after all," she replied.
I sighed. "You look after people too much, Raylynx. He's a grown man."
"But I-" Raylynx paused, and then frowned. "Oh god," she groaned suddenly. "I'm my sister."
"Hm?"
"You said I look after people too much. I'm like my sister – playing mum. I hate it when Sola does that," Raylynx said, half-muttering to herself. "Actually, you know what? That's not a half-bad idea, Remus. Thanks."
I looked up at her. "I didn't... suggest any ideas?" My voice rose at the end of my sentence, indicating my confusion.
But Raylynx was already carrying the tray out of the kitchen. I shook my head lightly, and then I got up with my now empty bowl to wash the dishes in the sink.
Sirius' POV
Time worked differently outside of Azkaban. In Azkaban, time was just one thin string. Nothing ever changed in the cells, except the number of prisoners as yet another one gave in to madness, and the number of times the dementors fed on you in one day.
But here, out in the real world, there were so many sensations, and everything was so gentle. The soft chirping of a bird in the early hours woke me. The softness of the first morning light and the way it shivered against the wall struck me. Light that faint never reached inside of Azkaban. The softness of the mattress unnerved me. It literally made me feel like I was falling in air. To me, being back in the outside world felt like someone had put a mural made up of a thousand pastel shades and asked me to differentiate between all of the different colors. It was lovely and soft and warm, but it made me feel lost. It wasn't just the blurriness of space either, but the way it hit me second after second, like wave after wave. I felt rushed and stuck, all at once. I knew it was all in my head, but it still felt so real.
The shuffling of sounds and the quiet voices of Remus and Raylynx talking as they made dinner sounded like it was on a distant star. I knew what they were doing - making dinner and chatting, but it never occurred to me to join them. I was so used to not moving, to being left alone in darkness and depression, that it seemed like a contradiction for me to go and join them. And it was hard to adjust myself for too long to other people. I could manage when I was alone, but when someone came near me for too long, I felt myself struggling to adjust to what I thought was their perception of time.
Suddenly, a knock on my door sounded out. I got up from the floor. I took a deep breath to gather myself and remind myself that I was back in the real world before I opened the door. Raylynx was standing there, holding a tray with food and water on it. I stared down at her, feeling guilty that she had felt the need to bring food to me. I moved out of the way and she came in to set the tray down on the desk. She waited for me to sit down and eat, but I just stood there.
"Not going to eat?" she finally asked me. She tried to smile at me, but it never fully reached her lips.
"If I don't come out for dinner, that's on me," I said quietly. "You don't have to make me dinner."
"Sure, but I already did. Well, Remus did most of the cooking," she said, shrugging. "Listen, I've got a present for you if you eat."
A strong sense of annoyance rose up within me. What was I, a child, that she had to bribe me with some present to do basic things like eat?
"You don't have to take care of me," I said, trying to keep my voice gentle. But there was a sort-of annoyed gruffness in it anyways. Then, more words slipped out, harsh and direct, "You don't owe me anything."
She just looked at me, and there was an unbearable tenderness in her gaze. I doubt she heard a word I said. There was a spark in her eyes - muted by the distance between us, distance that felt infinite to me. But she seemed so optimistic about everything, as if seeing me again made her hopeful about life. It confused me, both because she hadn't made any effort to come see me, much less free me, for the past twelve years, and because I had nothing to offer her. I would only disrupt her life and become a burden to her. Peter had escaped. I wasn't a free man. So why then, was she looking at with such tenderness?
"Why? Why do you look at me like that?" I murmured. "Before you couldn't even look me in the eyes. Now, the way you look at me is…"
She looked away. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean to stare." When she turned her head, her silhouette appeared. The side of her face - her cheek and jaw, as well as her neck and her collarbone were outlined by the light coming in from the hallway. She reminded of a sculpture, or the type of person or thing that would be worth memorializing in a photograph.
She reached past me and set something down on the desk besides the tray. "Well," she said, resigned, "I'll leave you be." She left the room. I stared at the empty space after her after she shut the door.
After a moment, I sat down in the chair and leaning forward slightly, I put my elbow on the desk and put my face in my hand. But my elbow nudged whatever Raylynx had put down next to the tray. It started to roll and I quickly put my hand down to pin it down against the desk. My fingers came upon a very familiar shape. I hesitated, and then I slowly gripped the thin piece of wood, picking it up from off the table. I raised it up to look at it.
My mouth fell open. No, it can't be. But as it hummed in my hand, I knew for certain that it was my wand, my original wand. How is this possible? I was sure it was lost forever – either because it was lost in the altercation after Peter escaped or because the Ministry found it and snapped it.
I could feel my wand trying hard to reach me, trying to reforge that old connection. But it was struggling to find me. My wand could sense that I had changed. I quickly set it down. Much like when I reunited with Raylynx yesterday, that bright spark of wonder and happiness that I had felt upon recognizing my old wand suddenly turned into something much closer to shame as my wand struggled to reach me.
I paced back and forth in my room for a long time. Then, without allowing myself to think about it too deeply, I suddenly turned around and snatched up my wand again. Before I could fully feel its resistance, I pointed it at one of Jamie's old Quidditch playbooks and said sharply, "Accio!" The playbook flew to my hand. I caught it with great relief.
I pointed the wand in the air again and tried a charm. "Lux rubrum." Nothing happened. I tried again, but still – nothing.
I opened my door. I looked up and down the hallway. At that moment, Remus was returning to the room from his kitchen. He paused when he saw me, and a slightly guilty look appeared on his face. I noticed he was trying to hide the chocolate bars in his hands.
"Um, if you're looking for Raylynx, she just left to visit her sister," he informed me.
"Moony, could you just stay still for a minute?" I requested. He acquiesced and stopped moving.
I pointed my wand at him. "Impedimenta." Remus was promptly blasted off his feet. He fell backwards, (thankfully) onto the soft plush carpet. Remus' chocolate bars went flying out of his hands and fell scattered around him. As he fell, he accidentally hit up against a small stack of books lined up against the wall in the hallway, and the stack fell over into a mess of books.
"Merlin!" Remus groaned. "Padfoot, some warning might have been nice."
I walked over and helped him up. "Sorry, I didn't expect it to work so well."
With a rueful "I-should-have-known-better" look on his face, Remus rubbed his bottom to soothe the disappearing ache.
I lifted my wand again. "Accio chocolates." The bars flew neatly into my outstretched hand. I handed them back to Remus.
I made another sweeping motion with my wand and murmured, "Tersus faci." All of the books stacked themselves up against the wall, but in a disorganized, lopsided manner. I bent down to push them all into a neater stack. As I did, I realized that all of them were - "Children's books?" I said, confused. "Why has she got children's books stacked up out here?"
"She takes them with her to read out loud," Remus said, in a suddenly soft voice.
"She just reads them out loud? In the middle of a park or something?" I questioned skeptically.
Remus gave me a sidelong glance. "No, no, I mean she... she reads them out loud to Alice."
My eyes tightened. I knew what he was referring to. I'd heard Bellatrix cackling about what she'd done to get herself locked up in Azkaban.
Remus fell silent for a moment. Then, he finally said, "So, you got your wand back?"
"Yes."
"From Raylynx," he said shrewdly.
"Yep."
Remus watched me for a minute before he said, "Padfoot, don't you think you're being too hard on her? She missed you a lot."
I didn't quite know how to respond to that – how to explain the feelings wrestling inside of me when I saw Raylynx. Finally, I said, "Moony, she knew. She knew that I wasn't James and Lily's Secret-Keeper."
"What are you saying?" Remus asked me, frowning.
"I mean I told her," I admitted, sighing heavily. "Not so much in words… But I was seeing her back then. I knew I wasn't supposed to. I knew she wasn't a member of the Order, but I was spending time with her anyways. You know how clever she is, how good she is at figuring stuff out. I knew that if I wasn't intensely guarded around her, she would figure it out. And I let her in."
Remus listened to me with a sympathetic expression. "I knew you were seeing her," he said, a moment later. "So did Prongs."
"You did?" My brow furrowed. "How did you know?"
"Because," Remus said simply, "you were a lot happier."
We both stood there for a while.
Then, I lifted my wand and murmured, "Appare florum." It was a simple spell for flowers, but nothing appeared.
I pointed my wand at the wall. "Morsus." Immediately, long, deep gashes appeared in the wall, shredding the wallpaper to bits.
"Merlin's beard, Sirius," Remus said, looking apprehensively at the wall. "Couldn't you have gone for a tamer spell?"
Damn it, I cursed in my head. Damn it. Damn it. I was back to square one. My nature was undeniable: I could cast simple functional skills and I could cast harmful spells, including Dark Spells. But the simple charms, the light magic, the peaceful spells… I would have to relearn them all again. Functional and aggressive - that's what I amount to. I may truly be worse in my human state than in my dog form, I thought darkly.
I pointed my wand at the wall. "Reparo." Some of the interior work tried to come back together, but the gashes basically remained intact.
Remus struggled a little with his chocolates as he reached back into his back pocket to pull out his wand. "Repar-"
The front door opened behind us.
We both started as Raylynx came in. She closed the door behind her. She shook her head a little to get her hair out of her eyes. Even though she had closed the door, I thought the sunlight lingered on her, as if it didn't want to leave her, as if it, too, was in love with her. She blinked before looking up at us.
"What are you doing?" she asked, seeing us standing there with guilty faces. Remus was holding his wand aloft, his mouth open, and all while he was clutching his chocolates to his chest.
Her eyes flickered over to the wall. Her mouth dropped open.
"What in the name of Merlin did you do to my wall?"
"Erm… Padfoot needed to sharpen his claws?" Remus offered weakly.
Raylynx shook her head at us. She stepped forward and touching her wand tip to the wall, she murmured, "Reparo." I watched as the wall stitched itself back up, right down to the wallpaper. She did it so simply.
Raylynx moved past us and taking off her cloak, she hung it up. "Oh, by the way," she said lightly, "you're going to have a visitor tomorrow, Sirius."
"A visitor?"
"Yes, and she's wonderful, but she's a bit pushy, so I'm just giving you a heads up."
