Raylynx's POV
The night of the Yule Ball, Harry came and found me. He knocked on my door. When I opened it, he rather sheepishly held out his bowtie and said, "I dunno how to tie it properly. It keeps going wonky and flipping sideways on me..."
I burst into laughter.
Harry blinked. "Is that funny?" he asked me weakly.
"Here." I held out my hand, and he gave me the bowtie.
I tied the bow for him and then smoothed out his collar.
"You look very sharp," I told him, patting his shoulders. "Very proper and all."
"Thanks again for buying me the dress robes," Harry replied. "I forgot I was supposed to get them."
"Ah, what are godmothers for?" I teased him back.
"Anyways, are you all ready to show the school how well you dance?" I asked him. "Has McGonagall drilled the waltz into your head?"
Suddenly feeling the horror of the fast-upcoming dance, Harry blanched.
"I'm joking!" I said quickly. "I'm completely joking, Harry. It's fine if you mess up. No one cares, I promise you."
"I hope my partner's good at leading," Harry mumbled.
"Partner? Who?" I asked curiously.
"Oh, um, she's a fellow Gryffindor. Parvarti Patil…"
Parvati Patil? Hm, she's not in my Ancient Runes class. Although, I know that her sister, Padma, is.
"What's she like?" I asked Harry.
He shrugged. "No idea, to be honest. I don't really know her."
"So you took Snuffles' advice after all, huh?" I remarked.
"Sorry," Harry said guiltily to me.
I shook my head at him, smiling. "No, no, it's good. Snuffles was right, after all. It's only one dance. I just didn't want to admit that he was right, not in front of him, anyways."
"Why not?"
"Oh, he… did something at the Yule Ball when I was a TriWizard Champion," I replied vaguely. "Anyways! You should go down now, before McGonagall stomps up here looking for you."
"Shouldn't you get dressed too, Professor?" Harry asked me. "Or are you not coming?"
"Oh, right, bollocks, I forgot I'm not dressed yet," I said, groaning. "Yes, I'll get dressed and I'll be down there, too. Should only take a moment. No bowties for me."
Harry nodded. As he did, he absent-mindedly reached up and pulled at his bowtie again.
"Well, if you do that, it'll flip over again," I warned him.
"Oh, right. Sorry." Harry quickly put down his hand. He sighed. "This is such a stupid tradition."
"Listen, I'll tell you what - if you do forget the waltz entirely, I shall crash spectacularly into the champagne table and cause such a fuss, no one will notice," I told Harry, to cheer him up. "Oh, and Quincy is always prepared to light the Christmas trees aflame so -"
Quincy waved his left front paw from his tank and nodded. Yes, he was saying, always ready for that.
Harry grinned at Quincy. "Good to know." Then, still thoughtlessly tugging at his bowtie, Harry turned and left.
Once Harry was gone, I hurriedly pulled on a silver slip dress and then silver robes on top of the dress. Then, I scooped up Quincy and placed him gently into my front pocket but as I did, I warned him, "Now, the decorations are all ice-based – in fact, the Great Hall has been covered in ice – so that means you're going to get tired out quickly. I'll have to bring you back shortly, do you understand? No running away and making me chase after you tonight."
Quincy blinked at me brightly, with every intention of disobeying me.
"Remember what happened when you disobeyed me and went scampering off in that Muggle café?" I reminded him, looking at him sternly. "It wasn't good, was it? Your flames nearly went out."
Quincy sobered a little.
"We don't want that happening again, hm?" I nudged him, poking at his soft side.
He scampered deeper into my pocket, trying to avoid my finger. But I felt him finally nod.
"Well, don't be sad now. We'll still have lots of fun. Just stick by me, all right?"
I felt his little head go up and down in my pocket again.
"All right, then," I said, satisfied by his promise. "Let's go, Quince. Off to a world of ice and snow."
The Great Hall was entirely covered in sparkling silver frost. It looked less like a school auditorium and dining hall, and more like a huge ice-covered lake that we'd all just happened upon. Above us, the ink-black night sky was crisscrossed by shooting stars. Garlands of mistletoe and ivy hung around the Great Hall, no doubt courtesy of Professor Flitwick. And this year, the twelve splendid Christmas trees were all silver as well, and hanging with glittering icicles and floating white and gold fairy lights.
Peeking out from my front pocket, Quincy hissed with excitement.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I said to him.
Just then, a most unexpected voice boomed out from behind me, "Yes, I suppose it is!"
Surprised, I turned around to find myself face-to-face with Ludo Bagman. "A very pretty sight!" he said enthusiastically, waving at the Great Hall with great animation, as though he was single-handedly responsible for all of it.
However, a moment later, his eyes boggled as he pointed at my chest rather frantically. "Your pocket is smoking!"
"Oh, it's fine," I assured him calmly. "Please don't be concerned, Mr. Bagman."
"Dear lady, how can you be so unaffected?" Ludo replied indignantly, taking out his wand and brandishing it at me. "Let me assist -"
"No! Mr. Bagman, please, really, there's no need," I pressed, firmly pushing his hand down. "I just, er - I stuffed my smoking pipe in there, that's all."
Ludo stared at me, totally nonplussed.
Outwardly, I took a deep breath. Inwardly, I groaned.
"Or a firecracker, if you prefer," I said quietly.
Ludo's mouth fell open.
Giving up on him entirely, I simply walked past Ludo, ignoring his bewildered look at me.
As I passed him, I heard Quincy's amused snort ring out and a ringlet of grey smoke drifted out of my front pocket.
Fortunately, only a moment after I stepped away from Bagman, the magnificent oak doors of the Great Hall opened, and we were all distracted by the arrival of the Champions and their respective dates. Leading the group was Fleur Delacour, accompanied by Roger Davies. Behind them was Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang. Then, Harry came out with Parvati, as he'd told me. Finally, there was Viktor Krum – with Hermione Granger.
My eyebrows lifted. Then, my smile broadened as I saw how lovely Hermione looked and how happy she seemed. I clapped along with everybody as the Champions took their positions on the dancing floor. I spotted Parvati rather forcefully yanking Harry's hand to her waist. I giggled quietly behind my hand. Looks like Harry did get a dancing partner who knows how to – no, scratch that – is determined to lead. But in fact, when Flitwick began to conduct the orchestra from atop his ivy-laced podium, I found that the Champions and their partners all danced quite well. Well, I'm sure it's better than how I danced with Sirius, I thought, what with me stepping on all of his toes.
I remembered how terrified I'd been to dance as a Champion, but as the days went by and solidified my absence of a partner, I had grown extremely determined to show people that I didn't need anyone by my side, that I was fine on my own. Only, lo and behold, Sirius Black, of all people, showed up to be my dance partner. It had been the most unexpected turn of events. And afterwards, when Sirius and I should have been chummy with each other, instead we'd bickered, snapped at each other, chased each other's potential dance partners off, and then scampered apart when mistletoe appeared over our heads.
I laughed at the memory, but at the same time, my heart hurt. What I wouldn't give to go back to those days. They felt miserable when I was in them. I felt so alone and insecure all the time. And yet, there's something about those days that I sorely miss. I sighed at myself. Merlin, I'm getting old, aren't I, thinking back to the "good ol' days" like this?
I imagine it's because the war changed things for our generation so dramatically. It changed things for Harry's generation, too, but they're too young to realize what's a consequence of the war and what's not, I thought, as my eyes wandered over the beautiful robes swirling and spinning in rhythm. The addition of the Beauxbatons and Durmstrangs students made the crowd look far more vibrant and richly gorgeous than it might otherwise be, as different cultures meshed together harmoniously. Yes, what do they know of the war? But we lived to see the change... I mean, take Sirius, for example. He could not have imagined living the way he is now, what with losing twelve years of his life and then having to hide as a fugitive, back when he was at Hogwarts. If somebody had told us, all those years ago, when he and I were dancing together at the Yule Ball, what would become of us, we wouldn't have believed that person. We were so young...
I want to see him. I want to see Sirius. I wish he'd show up now, the way he did for me eighteen years ago. But no matter how many times I wished for it, blinking hard,, he wasn't here. He didn't magically appear out of thin air, the way he had all those years ago. No, he was locked away in my house, spending his life in a bunker, when he had never committed the crime he was imprisoned for.
I hesitated. Maybe this time, I should show up for him.
After about an hour or so, I could feel Quincy starting to shiver in my pocket. Quincy tried to insist that he was fine, but his flames were turning feeble, fading from orange-red to a softer, duller brick red. I started to walk through the Great Hall, to head back up to my bedroom and let Quincy recover in his tank of flames, when I saw Ron sitting grumpily and alone at one of the tables.
"Ron?" I said, cautiously approaching him.
"Oh, Professor – Professor Kingsley," Ron said, blushing a little, as he didn't want anyone to see him in his robes.
"Ron, did something happen? You don't look too happy."
"Would anyone?" he replied, disgruntled. "In these robes?"
Right. I wasn't going to say anything, but they are… a bit outdated. I gazed down at his lacy, faded pink robes.
Ron flushed with embarrassment as he saw me staring at his outfit. "I didn't pick them out!" he said defensively. But then, his voice quieted down even more as he admitted, "They're hand-me-downs… Like everything else I get." He ended on a bitter note.
"I'm no seamstress, but would you like me to have a go at fixing them up a bit?" I asked him.
"No thanks. What's the point?" Ron replied, picking at the lace on his chest. "Everyone's already seen me in them. And besides, she already came with someone else."
She…? But I knew now was not the time to ask.
Instead, I coaxed, "Here. Just hold out your arms. For two seconds."
Ron looked as though he had half a mind to protest, but he did as he was asked.
I pulled out my wand and cast a Severing Charm and Color Change Charm. The lace fell off and vanished. The faded pink color of the robes turned into a deep red, which still clashed magnificently with his hair. However, his robes no longer looked like a lacy dress, which I suppose was the main point.
Ron looked down at his robes.
"Better?" I asked timidly, a bit scared that he'd hate it.
"Yeah, I s'pose so," Ron said, looking at his lace-free cuffs. "Actually, loads better."
He looked up at me and though he didn't seem totally all right, he gave me a pleased enough smile as he said, "Thanks, Prof."
I nodded at him. "Try to enjoy yourself, then. Oh – and keep an eye on Harry for me, won't you? His date seemed determined to dance all night. You may have to wrangle him away at some point."
At this, Ron grinned and said cheerfully, "On it."
Severus Snape's POV
Karkaroff, it seemed, was intent on depriving me of even a moment of peace this evening. He was following me around as I patrolled the grounds for unruly students, and he kept pressing his worries onto me.
"The Dark Lord will be after us all! You know his ways. He will not hesitate to kill us," Karkaroff hissed at me.
If he didn't stop hissing in my ear soon, I had half a mind to kill him myself, before the Dark Lord could even get his hands on him… I continued to ignore him.
"Severus, you cannot pretend this isn't happening!" Karkaroff started up again. His voice was hushed, bleeding all over with anxiety and nervousness. "It's been getting clearer and clearer for months. I am becoming seriously concerned, I can't deny it -"
Can't deny it, I repeated savagely in my mind. You haven't even tried, you coward.
But then, I thought, Karkaroff has never been the bravest of men. Perhaps it's not his fault that he reacts this way, like a scared dog, whimpering with his tail tucked between his legs.
"Then flee," I told him curtly. "Flee - I will make your excuses. I, however, am remaining at Hogwarts."
I suddenly caught a single rosebush moving against the wind. My face twisting into a grimace, I pulled my wand out and blasted the rosebush apart. A loud squeal, accompanied by a startled shout, rang out from the rosebush. A moment later, a couple of students rushed past me. They were both trying desperately to hide their faces, but it was too late. I'd already seen them both.
"Ten points from Ravenclaw, Fawcett!" I snarled. "And ten points from Hufflepuff too, Stebbins!"
Then, another pair caught by eye, but it was simply two students walking down the pathway. However, as they came into view, I saw that it was Potter and Weasley. My grimace deepened into a sneer. Besides me, Karkaroff, upon seeing Potter, immediately became quite nervous. His hand shot up and he wrapped his goatee around his finger, tugging at it.
I glared at Potter and Weasley. "And what are you two doing?"
Potter and Weasley always seemed suspicious, and one could hardly blame me for harboring such suspicions. Potter had broken about two hundred school rules between his going down the trapdoor (after all of my efforts to keep him away from damned Quirrell that year), flying an enchanted car to Hogwarts (and nearly exposing Wizarding kind to Muggles), brewing Polyjuice Potion last year (stealing from my stores, I might add), blowing up his aunt over the summer (for which an ordinary student would get jail time), and now, entering the Tournament. Dumbledore seemed convinced that Potter hadn't entered the Tournament of his own accord, but it was just the sort of thing that James, his wretched father, would have done if he were at Hogwarts. Infuriatingly, Dumbledore had always been determinedly naïve about James Potter and the others – the so-called "Marauders" gang - ignoring the fact that they were all bullies, that Sirius Black was a twisted lunatic, that Remus Lupin, however tame he might be as a man, pathetic even, was an uncontrollable werewolf… Speaking of Black and Lupin, I was sure that Potter and his friend, Granger, had been responsible for Black's escape last year, but Dumbledore was adamant on keeping silent about the whole affair. Both the Minister and I had tried many times to get more information out of Dumbledore, but failed each and every time. So, could it be helped that my upper lip curled in scorn as I stared at Potter and Weasley before me now?
Then, to add to his already existing insolence, Weasley replied to me in a short and offending tone, "We're walking. Not against the law, is it?"
Most unfortunately, the boy was right.
"Keep walking, then!" I snarled at him. I brushed past them, not wanting to see them a second longer than I needed to. Unfortunately, Karkaroff came after me once more, determined to bother me until death's door. I sighed deeply, wondering how much of my life was going to revolve around being bothered by insufferable cowards and dullards... But then, Dumbledore had asked me to keep an eye on Karkaroff, as it was, so I restrained myself from locking him into a nearby carriage as he prattered on...
Later that night, when I sure that the outside grounds were free of misbehaving students (or as sure as one could ever be, as these rascals somehow always found a way to squirm past our watch), I reported to Dumbledore.
"Well?" Dumbledore murmured quietly to me. Behind us, a few straggling students made their way from the Great Hall towards their respective staircases.
I waited for them to pass before I replied, "Karkaroff's Mark is becoming darker too. He is panicking, he fears retribution; you know how much help he gave the Ministry after the Dark Lord fell."
"Yes," Dumbledore replied. "Rookwood and Crouch's son were both caught on his information, if I remember correctly."
Of course, he remembers correctly. Has he ever not? I thought wryly.
I looked over at Dumbledore. "Karkaroff intends to flee if the Mark burns."
"Does he?" asked Dumbledore softly. "And are you tempted to join him?"
"No," I answered firmly. "I am not such a coward."
"No," Dumbledore agreed. "You are a braver man by far than Igor Karkaroff."
A beat of silence passed before Dumbledore gave a gentle sigh. "You know," he murmured, almost to himself. "I sometimes think we Sort too soon…"
Then, he walked away, as though he had not dropped a mental bomb on me in that moment.
I was stricken, through and through. Sort too soon? I thought, almost panicking. What does he mean by that? Does he mean that he might have placed me in Gryffindor?
How might life have been different then? Who might I have been with, instead of the Death Eaters? Who would I be now…? I swallowed hard, unable to quite comprehend the possibility of an alternative life that I had once so longed for, but that had always seemed resolutely shut to me.
A flash of red passed through my vision. My throat closed up for a moment, but it was merely Weasley's cringeworthy robes, flashing in the air as he walked quickly, seemingly shouting at someone a bit further up the stairs than him. My mouth turned up in an unpleasant sneer. I turned on my heel, and left towards my chambers, with a bitter taste in my mouth.
Raylynx's POV
I was back, standing in front of my parents' old home - well, my home now, I suppose, though it would forever belong to my parents in my mind.
I was opening my front door. Meanwhile, my mind was chanting, you fool, you fool, you fool.
But I couldn't help it. My heart was saying so strongly, I want to see him. I want to be with him.
Having unlocked the door, I hurriedly slipped inside. It was totally silent and dark inside my house.
"Snuffles?" I whispered aloud.
There was no response. As though no one's here... But he must be.
Heart thrumming, I closed the door behind me before raising my wand and proceeding to the living room.
"Sirius?" I called aloud, taking a risk and saying his name aloud . "Sirius, are you here? It's me, Raylynx."
At this, the trapdoor opened.
"Lynx?" Sirius whispered uncertainly. "Is that you?"
I let out a breath of relief. "Yes, it's me."
Sirius appeared from the trapdoor. He was holding Buckbeak's leash, and Buckbeak trotted out behind him as well.
"Merlin's sake. You scared me." Sirius copied my breath of relief. "I wasn't expecting you, Lynx. I thought you weren't coming back for a while."
"Well, yes, you're right. I wasn't supposed to come back for a while." Realizing how I must have startled him, I said sincerely, "I'm sorry. I should have sent a Patronus ahead or something to say that I was coming."
"Is something wrong?" Sirius asked me. "Is Harry all right?"
"Harry's fine," I responded quickly. "He's at Hogwarts. At the Yule Ball. As was I, before I came here."
"Ah, that's why you're all dressed-up."
I glanced down at my silver robes. "Oh, this ridiculous thing?"
"Frankly, it's a bit blinding," Sirius squinted as my silver robes flashed in the otherwise dark living room.
Buckbeak neighed unhappily, his back feet still uncomfortably trapped in the staircase.
"Oh, right, sorry, Beaky." Sirius finished guiding him out. As Sirius led Buckbeak back into the master bedroom, I pulled off the professional-looking outer robe and threw it gently onto the sofa behind me.
Sirius returned and saw me standing there in my thin, long silver satin sheath dress.
"So, there's no emergency?" he clarified.
"No emergency," I affirmed.
There was a pause.
Sirius cocked his head at me at me, waiting for me to tell him why I was here, then.
"I'm just here to see you," I told him honestly. Suddenly feeling a bit uncertain, I murmured, "If that's all right…"
"Of course it's all right. It's just unusual."
"Don't say that," I murmured. "It sounds so sad."
"Well then, tell me - why did you run away? Still scared of dancing?" Sirius teased lightly, stepping closer to me.
"I was never scared of dancing," I fibbed, teasing him back. My head fell back slightly as I looked up at him. "It was always you boys who were scared of me stepping on your toes."
"Because you stepped so thoroughly on all of them," he replied, grinning. "It really did feel like I had twice as many toes at some point."
I gave him an exasperated look. But it melted away quickly, and I found myself smiling as I reached up to push a dark strand of his hair back from his face. "We'll have to cut your hair again. It's grown out."
"Are you going to force your sister to cut my hair again?"
"Yes. And maybe, if you're lucky, she'll force-feed you broccoli again. We all remember how much you loved that."
Sirius chuckled lightly. "Only for you, Lynx. Even my own mother never managed to do that..."
Then, he reached out and pulled me to him. "Really, though, you know that I'm always happy to see you, but what made you come racing back, hm?"
"Well, seeing the Yule Ball take place again and watching Harry have to do the first dance as Champion... I couldn't help but think of you," I admitted. "I remembered when you stepped up to be my dance partner. I was so stunned to see you standing there, offering me your hand."
Sirius placed one hand on my waist. With the other hand, he reached down to grasp my hand before holding our interlocked hands out in proper dance form. But we didn't move around much. Rather, we swayed back and forth gently.
"Lynx, I was stunned that you went by yourself. Hell, the whole school was stunned," Sirius replied. "How did you ever come up with the idea to come to the Yule Ball by yourself? I mean, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that in theory. It's just not something most people would ever really go through with. It's much easier to show up with someone, even if you hate your partner. Why go through the possible humiliation of showing up all by your lonesome?"
"Initially, it came out of desperation," I admitted. "Nobody seemed to want to go with me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how silly all of it was. Why did it matter if I had a dancing partner or not? I am who I am. I was Champion regardless of whether or not I had a date to the Yule Ball. And that was that. It was that simple, all along. All I had to do was be a little bit braver, and care a little less about what others thought of me."
"But then..." I looked up at Sirius with a warm gaze. "You, of all people, showed up at the last minute."
"At the time, I thought I was doing you a favor, but you could have – maybe should have – just rejected me," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Thinking about it now, I'm not sure why I was confident you'd be grateful."
Cocking his head at me, Sirius said knowingly, "I was a bit arrogant, wasn't I?"
We both looked each other, and then laughed together.
"Well, I was grateful, I can admit that now," I said honestly. "But I hated the thought that you just did it to play the hero – out of some sense of charity, rather than seeing me as... you know, anyone worth seeing. I mean, you didn't care at all about actually being with me. I could have been replaced with any stranger, and you'd still get to play the hero. I didn't like feeling that way, not when it was you."
"I didn't know how to tell you that back then, though," I admitted. "It took me years to figure out what about our relationship, or lack of relationship, rather, bothered me. Then, I struggled for an even longer time to tell you about it."
"Yes, I remember that all too well," Sirius said dryly, but quite endearingly. "I remember that little speech you made."
"Speech?" I said, a bit puzzled. "I didn't make a speech..."
"Oh yes, you did, Lynx. You said - what was it? – oh right, you said, 'It's the first time I've told you how I really feel, you heartless bastard,'" Sirius mimicked me.
"Oh, right. That little speech. It all just bubbled over and came out." I smiled a bit sheepishly, blushing a little... "It must have felt like my accusations came out of nowhere, from your perspective."
Sirius grinned. "It did. Caught me completely off guard. It felt like you had walloped me in the stomach. I'd never had someone so blatantly call me out, and everything you said about me was spot on. It was a bitter pill to swallow, quite frankly."
"I didn't mean to be quite so intense about it," I told him, now more clearly remembering our argument in the kitchen. Both of us had been scuffling with each other, but we were also frantically trying to keep our voices down because Remus had just returned from his awful undercover mission with the werewolves and sorely needed his rest. "I was just incredibly frustrated at how difficult it was to say what I felt about you."
"Difficult…" Sirius mused upon the word for a moment. "Yes, you were difficult."
I scowled at him. "That's not what I said."
"You still are difficult, you know," Sirius told me.
Before I could argue back, he said softly, "But I rather like you for it."
Our conversation faded into a long moment of silence that was simultaneously awkward and tender.
We've come such a long way from that moment, I thought. But still, often times, it feels like there are endless barriers between us. I want to tear them all down, but I don't know how. Maybe if our time together hadn't been interrupted, I wouldn't be feeling this way. But we did lose those years, and I'm not sure we can ever get them back. Perhaps the only way forward is to be intentional about everything between us now, regardless of how awkward it might get. Besides, what's a bit of awkwardness, if it means we can be closer together?
"I'm better at dancing now, aren't I?" I remarked abruptly.
Sirius laughed a little. "It's easy to be good at dancing when there's no music."
"Oh… right, there's no music," I said softly, only identifying what was missing just then.
"Took you a minute to realize," Sirius teased me, clearly amused.
But then our eyes met, and his amusement faded into something much deeper rather quickly. Unlike me, Sirius did not hesitate in expressing his desire to be closer to me. Abruptly and almost aggressively, he told me, "I don't care if there's music or if we're dancing, I just want you closer." And suddenly, he did stop dancing and hugged me tightly, pressing me into him.
"I missed you," he said, and his voice, though soft again, was also raw and restrained. "That conversation we had, where you all but knocked me off my feet, it was ages ago and yet, it feels like just yesterday. Just yesterday, when I realized you were going to mean something very important to me."
"Going to?" I said, raising my eyebrow. My hands found his shoulders and lay gently atop them. "You mean we're not there yet?"
"No, we're not. We're not all we could be. You know that. You feel it just as much as I do. I see it in your eyes," Sirius whispered to me. "And it's because we're always waiting, never together." He leaned down and slowly but firmly planted kisses on my shoulder and then my neck, pressing his lips hard enough against my throat to leave marks.
"Sirius…" I breathed out, hesitating. I realized that Sirius' emotions from his being cooped up here for months and missing me, Harry, and Remus were all bleeding through at once. The things he couldn't say out loud, that were pent-up deep inside of him at all times – stay with me, don't leave me, come back, I'm worried for you, it kills me that I can't be there and protect my godson, not being able to leave the house is driving me crazy, seeing Moony wasting away and not being able to to do anything about it is destroying me, too… were manifesting themselves physically.
Of course, Sirius had always been a very physical person. I knew that he would have been affectionate with me anyways tonight, but though it had begun as affection, now, more intense emotions that he normally kept heavily guarded were bleeding through, turning the affection into something more, slipping into his ever-present need for possession.
Suddenly, his hands slipped up from my waist to my back and he leaned heavily into me, pressing his lips against mine. He kissed me so fervently that I fell backwards a little, and my back hit the large glass window that led out to the backyard. The curtains were drawn over the window, but I could still feel the cold glass against my back. The sensation was icy enough that it felt sharp against my skin.
I shivered.
Sirius drew away from me just a little and murmured, "You're cold, aren't you?"
I drew closer to him, pressing myself up against him. "Not if you're here," I whispered back, slipping my arms under his and embracing him tightly.
He smiled at my reply, but he nonetheless drew me away from the window.
Still kissing each other, a bit messily now, Sirius managed to drag us down the hallway to my room.
I'm not sure where we were aiming for – most sensible would be the bed, I suppose, but not able to hold back, Sirius ended up pinning me against the doorway to continue kissing me fervently. I was starting to get rather breathless and light-headed, but I wasn't complaining. I knew that we were both thinking the same thing, which was that we were finally alone, just the two of us in the house.
Still, I felt that it might be best for us to try to catch our breaths before things slipped too far into pure emotion and physicality.
Holding his face between my hands, I drew back slightly. Breathing a bit heavily, I managed to say, "Sirius, as wonderful as this all is, we should – we should probably calm down. Don't - Don't you think?"
Sirius paused. Seeing my slightly flushed face and noticing that I was already breathless, he felt strangely embarrassed. "Oh," he said, a bit stiffly, "sorry, Lynx. You barely came home and I'm already slobbering all over you."
"Here," he said, starting to pull away from me, "let me give you space -"
"No, wait," I quickly grasped his arms. "That's not what I meant at all. It's only that… I think, with everything going on, it's too easy to take it out on each other or to lose ourselves and get carried away with each other."
Sirius looked down at me. His gaze was hard, his blue-grey eyes steely, as he thought about what I said. Finally, he asked, "Why do you see that as such a negative thing?"
"See what as a negative thing?" I said, not following him.
"Getting lost in each other," Sirius answered. "Why do you want to avoid it? Do you not trust me?"
"I do trust you. More than anyone."
"Then?"
I didn't respond. I didn't want to go down this road tonight.
But Sirius already knew. He wanted to hear me say it, but seeing me avoiding his gaze, he sighed and decided to push forward the conversation himself.
"I overheard something you said to Remus once, about how you wanted to love without waiting to be given love back," Sirius said slowly, remembering my words. "That you were tired of waiting for your love to be reciprocated. That you wanted to focus on giving without regard for receiving… That it didn't matter if you were loved back."
"Yes, I did say that," I replied quietly, also remembering. "I meant every word of it. Love shouldn't be conditional."
"You're right. Love shouldn't be conditional. But, Lynx…" Sirius said, and his gruff voice dropped to a whisper. "I don't want you to pretend it doesn't matter whether I do or don't love you, when I'm right here, in front of you, loving you. I want my feelings for you to make you feel safe and... if possible, happy. I know it's not realistic. I know I'm a burden to you -"
"You're not," I said, shaking my head at him. "You do make me feel safe. You do make me feel happy. Please don't doubt that, Sirius."
"Then...?" Sirius asked again, gazing down at me to try to read my expression. "Why are you so adamant on keeping distance between us?"
"I don't mean to be. I don't want distance between us. I want to be closer to you," I replied. My voice was very quiet, as I found it extremely difficult to talk about this aspect of our relationship and of my personality. "It's just that I don't... I don't want to put my self-worth in your hands. In any sense."
"Why not?" Sirius murmured. Catching my face in his hands, he pressed soft kisses all over my face as he promised me, very sweetly, "I'll take good care of it."
I unintentionally moaned slightly. It was impossible to refuse him. But I managed to whisper back, even as I closed my eyes so that he could softly place kisses on my eyelids, "It's not that, Sirius. It's not that I don't trust you. I do. But I... I need to be independent. It's the only way I can protect everyone who needs to be protected. The distance is the price I pay to be able to move as needed. When I'm lost in you, I can't see much else. In fact, I don't want to see much else. I can't afford to do that, as much as I might... want to."
"Do you?" Sirius pressed, now laying kisses against my jawline. "Do you want to?"
I confessed willingly, "Yes..."
But in a sad, almost tired voice, I reminded him gently of what I had just said, "Only it's not so simple. Not with everything going on around us."
Sirius sighed softly. Then, his hands gently guided my chin up so that I was looking into his eyes. "Lynx, I understand what you mean. I do. But you have to see it from my perspective, too."
"And what would your perspective be?" I murmured.
Not hesitating for even a second and gazing directly into my eyes, Sirius replied, "That I want you. More than anything. I can't always act on it, but it's how I feel."
I paused as Sirius' words sank into my mind. A slow, but quite steady, blush appeared on my face.
Oh, but I want him too. I swallowed. And I'm old enough now to know that there is no effortless and perfect love story. Every relationship takes effort, the effort of carving out time, and takes risk, the risk of being vulnerable with oneself... Besides, who knows what the future holds? If the past has taught me anything, it's to not take it for granted. So, why not just be young and in love for once? Would that really be so bad? Isn't it a necessary part of life, and of our relationship - to have one another when we both want each other?
"And… there it is, you've gone into your thoughts," Sirius said exasperatedly, reading my face. "Just thinking to yourself, with no response whatsoever to my heartfelt confession."
I looked up at him guiltily. "Sorry, I didn't mean to -"
"No, of course not," Sirius sighed, dramatically rolling his eyes. "But -!" A smile quirked up on his face as he suddenly picked me up in his arms
"Sirius!" I shouted. "What are you doing? Put me down!"
"No, love, I'm not going to let you get away with it this time," Sirius said. Laughing, he carried me over to my bed and tried to (gently) toss me down.
Not to be outdone, I reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt in a tight fist, pulling him down as well. We fell onto the bed together, both more than a little breathless from our impromptu play-fighting.
"Merlin, are we both out of breath from that?" Sirius wondered. "We're getting old, Lynx."
"I know," I agreed.
We both laughed quietly, but we couldn't quite meet each other's eyes, for there was a strange, intense tension, almost humming, between the two of us as we lay there in the bed, with him on top of me, and both of us a bit panting a little. I could feel his body shifting against mine, and as always, his warmth just felt so right to me. Slowly, my hand released his shirt, and now that it was no longer in a fist, it naturally opened and pressed against Sirius' chest.
Sirius breathed in a little quicker when he felt my hand against his chest, pressing over his heart.
Hearing his inhale, I looked up at him.
Our eyes finally met.
I felt his chest move as he swallowed hard. Then, he slowly leaned forward until his lips pressed gently to mine, pushing softly and asking permission.
Yes, I thought. Yes, yes, yes... My lips parted and I breathed in his taste and his scent…
"Lynx?" he whispered. His whisper hung heavy in the air, needing a reply.
I gave it to him, murmuring back to him, "Sirius."
Then, his mouth crashed into mine, and we were kissing each other feverishly, as though we were totally starved for love and affection, because we were – for how many years had we wanted this and not allowed ourselves to have it because the timing wasn't right? Growing up was simply understanding that the timing would never be right, and that we had to choose for this to happen. It would never be some romantic, perfect thing between us. But we had to demand it anyways, and carve out time and space for each other in our lives…
And so we did. We claimed this moment as ours.
I felt Sirius' hands slip down my shoulders and then fumble a bit against the back of my dress. He managed to unzip my dress and I shivered in pleasure when I felt his strong, broad hands slide into the dress and press warmly against my bare back.
Unfortunately, though my dress straps slipped down my shoulders to my arms, the thin straps got stuck at my elbows.
"Sirius," I breathed out, stopping him. "My dress is stuck."
His lips still pressed against mine, Sirius murmured, "Damn it, I'm not as smooth as I used to be."
"Well," I mumbled back, trying to console him, "it's a long dress."
But I couldn't help except smile at Sirius' berating himself for not being as smooth a lover as he once used to be.
Feeling my lips curve up into an amused smile, Sirius drew back and lifted his eyebrow at me.
I laughed softly at his skeptical look. "That's all right," I told him, half soothing him and half making fun of him. "We can take turns."
Sitting up a little against the wall besides my bed, I reached down and tugged at the hem of his shirt.
However, Sirius suddenly reached down and grasped my wrists, stopping him.
I stopped at once and looked up at him. "What is it?" I asked gently.
Sirius paused for a long moment, his eyes flickering with unspoken doubt.
"Sirius?"
Sirius seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say. Finally, his grip still tight around my wrists, he murmured, "This is going to sound stupid. I mean really bloody stupid, but I just… You should know…"
"What?" I prompted.
"I'm not… good-looking anymore."
I nearly laughed. I truly almost did. But I could that Sirius genuinely meant something by saying that. In fact, it wasn't actually about his being "good-looking" or not. Instead, Sirius was trying to tell me that he wasn't the carefree and confident young man he'd been before, and he was finding the courage in asking me not to expect that from him.
"I never thought you were," I teased him, but I kept my voice very soft.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at me. "All right... That's an odd way of trying to make me feel better, but all right."
This time, I did laugh.
Sirius looked a bit affronted, and I quickly backtracked.
"No, I'm trying to tell you something else," I told him, sitting up completely to be close to him. Leaning forward, my hands found the back of his neck and I gently slid my fingers into the soft locks of his hair at the base of his neck as I murmured softly, "I don't care, Sirius. I know you were 'good-looking.' It intimidated the hell out of me when I was younger. But at this age, after all we've been through- I just want you. Is that not enough for you?"
"It is," he murmured heavily. "It's all I want."
I didn't try to take his shirt off again. I knew (perhaps even better than most people) what it was like to feel self-conscious. In fact, some years ago, Sirius had been the one to be endlessly patient with me on this very score, and I had no issue whatsoever with giving him the same grace. Instead, I kissed him again.
Sirius accepted my kiss gratefully, and soon, we both forget that we'd started taking each other's clothes off only a moment ago. Clothes or no clothes, our need to touch and kiss each other was swallowing up our desire for everything else, including sex, romance, and whatever else could be craved. All of those concepts collapsed under the simple want to be as intertwined as possible and if that was romance, so be it, and if that was sex, so be it, and if it was nothing but kisses and touches, then so be it.
However, as our kisses grew more passionate, my head knocked lightly against the wall behind me.
"Ow," I muttered. As I complained, I accidentally bit down a little bit harder on Sirius' lower lip than I intended.
Sirius grimaced.
"Sorry," I said quickly.
"No, it was my fault for pressing you back too suddenly," Sirius replied, sighing.
I laughed a little. "We're bad at this, aren't we?"
"Out of practice, more like," he grumbled.
"Here." Sirius slid one hand through my hair and grasping the back of my neck, he guided me down onto the bed without having me hit my head against the wall besides the bed.
I smiled up at him, letting myself fall back on the bed. "Is this the move you used on all your lovers before me?"
"Pretty smooth, eh?"
I let out a soft and playful, "tsk" of disapproval.
Sirius laughed. "No, actually, when I was younger, I was much more subtle about pressing people up against beds. Only now do I blatantly just guide them down onto the bed. So, you should be honored, really, for settling for this version of me that lacks all charm whatsoever."
"Well, I am," I replied happily. Tugging slightly at his arms, I said bluntly, "So, I think you should come closer to me now."
"So straightforward. You really don't know how to flirt, love." Sirius leaned forward, then, to follow me down and lie on top of me on the bed, though he was careful not to put too much of his weight to me.
I immediately felt his chest press against mine, and once again, I felt warmth blossoming within me, warmth that I received from him.
Oh, God, I thought, it's this. This is what I want. I feel like I'm home...
"You're always so warm, Sirius," I murmured, pressing my hands against his bare chest lovingly. "Where does all the warmth come from?"
"It's all the immaturity that I'm keeping locked away," he replied dryly.
Surprised at his sarcastic answer, I laughed.
But a moment later, I sobered up and whispered, "It's so strange. Touching you like this, feeling you with my own hands... and yet, I still can't believe you're here. With me. It feels unreal."
Sirius, thinking I was trying to boost his ego, rolled his eyes and commented, "All right, Lynx, I'm great. But I'm not that great."
I sighed and instinctively, I pushed him away slightly, feeling a bit misunderstood.
Sirius let me push him away, never wishing to force himself on me. Anxiously, he asked, "What? Lynx, what did I do?"
"You've never been aware…" I told him sullenly, feeling foolish but also wanting to be honest.
"Of what?"
"Of my feelings for you."
Sirius paused, realizing that I wasn't joking. Then, he said to me in a quiet voice, "Show me."
***Sexual Content - Beginning Marker.***
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I hesitated. Then, keeping eye contact with him, I pulled my arms out of my still-caught dress straps. I slowly tugged my dress off of my body. It crumpled delicately, pooling at my feet. I pushed it towards the edge of the bed with my feet. The silky dress quickly and silently slid off of the bed and onto the floor.
I leaned back against the bed and gazed up at Sirius. The look shared between us was indecipherable.
For a moment, I trembled. I knew, deep inside of my heart, that I was slipping into becoming lost with him.
He doesn't know. He doesn't know how far I'd fall with him if I don't spend every waking second telling myself to hold it together.
All of the roles that I felt like I had to play - godmother, first and foremost, but also a protector of all my loved ones, and a professor - slipped away. I was suddenly simply a woman.
As it was, I wanted Sirius' warmth against me badly. I reached out and touched his shoulder lightly, telling him without words that I wanted him with me.
But Sirius gently grasped my wrist and pinned it down against the bed, holding my arm out of the way so that he could see me.
He took his time to gaze down at me, and his eyes traced the way the light dipped against the different curves of my body.
All light, and such soft shadow, he thought to himself.
I blushed a little. I'm much more confident than before, but having him stare in such a way is enough to make anybody feel shy, I thought. With my other hand, I pulled the blanket up over my body.
When I covered myself up, Sirius looked up to see my blushing face, and he smiled a little. Then, he finally leaned down to kiss me. This time, our kisses were much slower, but also deeper and very, very tender.
Despite his far larger frame, Sirius melted into me quite quickly and naturally, pressing up against me and keeping me very, very warm.
Safe, I thought, for the first time in a long time. We're safe.
My hands found his way to his soft hair, and my fingers tangled easily with his locks. I tugged slightly at his hair, and I heard Sirius groan slightly. Sirius, too, kept trying to pull me closer to him. His large, warm hands tugged first at my hips and then slid up to grasp my waist tightly, gently but surely squeezing the breath out of me. My breathing hitched and became louder, more ragged. The blanket slowly slid out from between us as we grasped at each other, hands moving here and there in an effort to pull each other closer.
Gradually, the blanket had pooled into a thin line around our hips, just above our thighs.
Reaching up, Sirius gripped my hands tightly in his. Fingers intertwined, he held both my hands down on the bed on either side of me. Then, finally breaking apart, Sirius blinked his eyes open before gazing into my eyes intensely, searching for whether I wanted this or not.
I held his gaze, nodding softly.
Still watching my expression, both to make sure he wasn't hurting me and to remember me this way, Sirius lowered himself. I could feel his hips sliding down a little, gently pushing apart my thighs.
I shivered a little and my breath caught. It felt so intense to me – that he was here, with me, and that we were together like this. I'd never felt so vulnerable before someone, and yet, I also felt that he was vulnerable with me.
It's overwhelming, I thought, a bit blurrily. Even short of sex, it feels like so much.
Breathe, I reminded myself.
Then, Sirius' careful voice broke the tense silence. "Are you sure…? Are you sure you want this?" Sirius' voice was little more than a whisper. "Tell me honestly, please. I'll respect whatever you decide. You can always, always say no. You know that, I hope."
I nodded up at him again.
"Tell me out loud, love. I need to hear it."
"Yes," I breathed out. "I want you." My voice broke slightly.
"All right," Sirius said softly. "Hold my hands, love, if that helps."
I nodded, and I did just that. My fingers gripped his hands back so tightly my nails dug into the back of his hands a little.
Fine, I thought, if it's all going to be so overwhelming, let's simply get lost in it... in him... just for tonight.
A moment later, I gasped as I felt him inside of me. I trembled.
Sirius groaned lowly and falling forward, his lips captured mine again.
Our mouths locked together, he started to move his hips against me. I whimpered, as we both fell into a dizzying, breathless, frantic, and yet somehow simultaneously slow and deeply tender blur of intense sensations. Though it was undeniably wonderful to finally be with Sirius, the emotional release was so intense that it was impossible to pinpoint what emotion I was feeling. Truth be told, it wasn't exactly happiness. Rather, it felt like something was forcing open my heart. I felt like I was more likely to cry than smile, and yet, I felt so complete. Still, I needed to be closer to him. At this point, it was the only thing that made sense. Even now, my want for him, far from being satisfied, craved more. Sirius must have felt the same way because he took me more and more intensely as the night went on.
At some point, his large hands were gripping my waist so tightly that I was having a hard time drawing breath – and I needed it, lots of it.
"Sirius, I- I can't breathe…" I panted. "You're holding me too - too tightly."
Sirius groaned slightly. He leaned forward, resting his sweaty forehead against mine. His hands slid up my body until he was cupping his face. He started to move his hips again. I moaned softly. He growled a little, and then he kissed me, catching my moans and whimpers in his mouth.
Our breaths mingled, soft heat transferring between our lips, until the heat between my thighs became too much, and I had to break away for breath again.
But he pulled my face towards him again quickly, almost greedily, and I found myself gasping into his mouth. "S-Sirius!"
My mind was spinning. Sirius was everywhere. He was all that I could touch, see, taste, hear, smell, and feel. My body was entirely contained within the confines of his larger physique as I was lying underneath him. He was holding me so tightly - his hands roaming my body, his chest pressing into my breasts, our thighs touching together, and he was kissing me all the while, and even when we weren't, our cheeks or foreheads were touching, resting on each other.
My whole body felt so warm, it was almost suffocating, but because it was him, I loved it.
But there was so much sensation, and it was building, building, building, with me... With a loud gasp, I threw my arms around him. My legs locked around his waist and I buried my face against his neck. Sirius' arms slid around me tightly, holding me to him as I trembled.
"Are you - Are you close?" he murmured.
I nodded against him, breathing hotly against his neck.
"Lynx…" Sirius gently pushed me down so that he could see my face. He put his hand on my face and breathed out, a bit roughly, "Look at me."
I closed my eyes and looked away, shaking my head. His gaze made me feel too vulnerable.
"Lynx…" He murmured. "Love, I want to see your face…"
"I-I can't," I whispered. "Sirius, please..."
"Please what?"
"I don't know, I don't know, I just - Ah!" I cried out. My thighs quivered. A moment later, my hands clutched desperately at his shoulders, and I felt my body arch.
Sirius laid kisses all over my body. I heard his voice as he murmured sweet and gentle things to me, but other than the pleasant hum of his voice, I couldn't make anything out.
I'd only just fallen back onto the bed, when Sirius resumed his prior position and took me more roughly. He followed soon after, groaning softly and collapsing on top of me.
We both lay there, gasping, and spent.
***Sexual Content - End Marker.***
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After a moment, I tried to disengage from Sirius a bit, as we were both way overheated, but he pulled me back to him immediately, though he switched so that instead of lying on top of me, he was pulling me into his side.
"Don't go," he whispered, wrapping his arms around me.
"It's too hot," I complained.
"It is," he agreed. "But still."
So I stayed in his arms, as we both got our breath back. Slowly, his fingertips grazed the outside of my thigh, while his other arm continued to hold me tight against him. I curled up against his chest, feeling so safe and so – too - warm. All at once, the tiredness hit me and my eyes started to close.
Sirius saw me starting to fade into sleep. "Lynx?" he murmured aloud.
"Hm...?"
He paused. "Nothing."
I smiled and mumbled, "Sirius..."
He softly brushed a strand of hair away from my face and watched me as I fell asleep, happily snuggled up against him, with both hands curled up gently against his chest.
