Hiiii guys!
Hope the wait was worth it, hope you'll enjoy the update, and please, please, please, don't swear too much at the end of the chapter :)
pjwalterman, nope, Cem isn't her real father, but I promise he's a good guy. After all, he's Abe's brother. He wouldn't dare be a dickhead
isabel97811, I know, I know, but I think you all already got used to my style of writing, with all the cliffies (please don't get too mad at me for this chapter too)
Luvfreakysyfy, what about this chapter's ending as moving forward?
IrinaC, I think there's something wrong with the site. I am not getting emails either and my views are messed up :( But I'm glad you could see the chapter in due time
Just-kiwi, I think you'll be a little disappointed about Dimitri's answers. It's only for the moment, I promise
And stardreamer26086, russia2774, thank you for always being there too. I usually don't know what to say to your reviews, but I appreciate the fact that you always come back :)
Love you lots, people, and see you for the next update!
CHAPTER 25 - We have a different Winnie the Pooh
Rose's POV
"Dimitri? No!"
I shake his body when he doesn't respond anymore, then I try to press harder on his chest. Should I try chest compressions? Should I stop? Will it hurt? Is it good that it hurts? What do I do?
"Please don't leave me. Please, please, please."
A strange thing happens. I feel a surge of heat radiating from my hands. Or is it his body? No matter the source, it feels good. Blissful. I cannot describe it in any other way, but my mind fills with light.
And I guess he sensed it too, because his eyes snap open and he's just as confused as I am.
"What have you done to me?" he asks, with no slurring now.
"What do you mean?"
I realize the commotion around us stopped when someone yanks me up to my feet.
"What in the hell are you doing here? You were supposed to be outside!"
"I um…"
I start feeling dizzy and so, so tired. I want to lie down and sleep for three days straight.
My knees fail me, but thankfully, the one who scolded me catches me.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"I think I just…"
And it all goes blank.
When I wake up, I'm back at the Court, tucked in into one of the infirmary beds.
A nurse sees my opened eyes and gets a doctor to check on me.
"I'm fine," I try to push the doctor away when she wants to lift my blouse.
"You very much are not, Princess. You have a fractured rib and the only reason you don't feel it is because you're still pumped with analgesics."
"Where is Dimitri?"
"Your guardian is fine. Surprisingly, he's doing way better than you."
"What about Nikolai and Mikhail?" I had plenty of time these past days to think about what came of them.
"Oh, dear… he…"
"Who? What happened?"
"Nikolai. He was found in the studio."
"Oh, no."
"If it brings you any peace, it happened fast. It didn't hurt much."
It doesn't. To know another man died for me, no matter how fast or pain-free, brings me no peace. I can only think of his mother and how she must feel now. Her husband died too, a little while ago. How can you comfort such a loss?
After the doctor leaves, despite her telling me to stay in bed, I go look for Dimitri. I need to see him with my own eyes. Just remembering all that blood flooding through my fingers makes me sick to my stomach.
When I get to the door of his room, I stop and open it slowly, somewhat afraid that what I heard from the doctor isn't accurate. She told me there isn't a single scratch on him, but I saw how bad his wound was, and yes, we heal fast, but not that fast.
I see him lying in bed, unharmed, and I still can't believe it, so I get closer and hold my breath for a second, just to hear his. And when I hear it, I fall onto the chair next to the bed and start crying.
"I'm not dead," he says and scares the shit out of me. I allowed myself to cry just because I thought he was asleep!
"I know."
"Then why are you crying?" he asks as he gets up to a sitting position.
"Because you… what Galina did to you… you…"
"It's my duty."
"I don't want it to be your duty to lose your life for me."
He smiles as he takes my hand in his, and soothes my worries away with the motion of his thumb.
"It's alright, Princess. I'm still breathing."
"Oh, god, stop calling me Princess."
"I apologize, my Queen."
"Dimitri!"
"But you will be my Queen and I will serve you until my death."
"Stop! Don't say shit like that."
"But it's true."
"I know this might be the painkillers they put in you, that are making you mumble that shit, but shut up. Shut up, or I will hurt you. I'll kill you myself if you say this ever again."
His lazy smile disappears and he becomes dead serious.
"It's your life over mine, Rose. I don't matter, you do. And I'm alright with that. If I die and you live, I know I haven't lived in vain. And I am not medicated. I'm-"
"So it matters so little to you that you die and leave me all alone?"
My response shocks him, and honestly, it shocks me too. How could I say such a thing? How could I be so outspoken about this subject I've avoided for so long? Be he started it, didn't he? With what he said before he…
He decides to not expand on that subject.
"I'm fine. I'm alive, Rose."
"Does… anything hurt?"
"Not at all. I don't have a single scratch. And I had so much more than a scratch on me," he opens the subject right away.
"I don't know how I did it. Or what I did. I… I don't know what that was. I mean… the only thing I can think of…" I sigh, not knowing what to say anymore. "You know, Adrian thinks you're right."
He chuckles. "What exactly do we agree on?" yeah, because it's such a wild thing for them to agree on something, as the opposites they embody.
"You know when you said I could be like Vladimir? Like… bring flowers back to life?"
"What does he know about that?" I could say he sounds rather offended that Adrian and I even talked about this.
"More than we do. He's a user himself. Of… he calls it Spirit. But I… what if I… I don't know…"
He nods with the promise we'll deal with this some other time.
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"That's a lie. I know about your broken rib."
"Of course you do." he eyes me insistently. "I'll be fine."
But his eyes fall on the scratches around my wrists.
He catches them and pushes the material of my blouse up.
"Rose…"
"Stop it. You have-" taking a look at his hands, I see they disappeared. "You had these too, so what makes mine special?"
"You-"
"Stop. My life doesn't matter more than yours." he opens his mouth to contradict me on this again, but I squeeze on his hands and he gives up on it. Still, he looks at me worried. "I'm fine, I promise. I'm just… tired. Very tired. Like you've made me run a hundred laps. I think I could sleep for an entire week."
"Given that, aren't you supposed to be resting in bed right now?"
"Maybe…"
But I don't want to go. I feared so much losing him, that all I want is to never let him out of my sight.
"Rose."
"It's fine. There are beds everywhere. I can… there. I can lie there," I say pointing toward the empty bed next to his. "We could be roommates."
"So that you could put a pillow over my face faster at night?"
I smile. "You got it right, comrade. I only healed you because I wanted to kill you myself. I wouldn't let anyone else have this pleasure."
"Postpone it until you get better. Now go lie in bed."
The look in his eyes tells me he would gladly make me lie down, so I switch the chair for the thin mattress of the bed. My bed was a hundred times comfier and it's annoying that even when it comes to health and recovery, guardians have gotten the shorter stick.
"So… did you talk to them? About the wound that wasn't actually there?"
I'm sure a lot of people want to know what happened in those days in which we were kidnapped, and I'm sure that the guardians who came to our rescue saw the state he was into. Considering he's well now, must have brought up a lot of questions.
"I told them the blood wasn't mine. That it was Nathan's."
"And did they believe you?"
"They couldn't come up with another explanation. A T-shirt can be ripped in a lot of ways, and especially if you fight, as I told them I did. Plus, they didn't see the wound, and they only have my word for it. Yours too, when you'll talk to them. And if our stories match, they won't question us."
I'm glad he wants to keep this a secret as much as I do. At least until I figure it out.
"Well, at least it wasn't your favorite T-shirt," I say, trying to distract us from the severity of what happened.
"I'm sorry," he says out of nowhere.
"What for?"
"I couldn't- I didn't-"
"Stop that. You did your best to keep me safe. And I am fine."
"But not really."
"Well, that is none of your fault. You are a great guardian, but you cannot predict what other people would do, and you definitely cannot be immune to that gas they used on us. And there were so many Strigoi there, Dimitri. I don't want you to think I blame you for anything that happened in there, because I don't."
But in his eyes, I see he is blaming himself for it, enough for the both of us.
"Don't be so sad, we have endless pudding now," he tells me when, later the day, I get upset at the news of my prolonged staying in the infirmary. As a precaution, the doctor said.
"You and pudding? In what universe, comrade?"
"I didn't say I'd eat mine. I can give it to you if you want to."
"Deal."
I feel that tiredness creep back, and Dimitri doesn't give me another pass, like earlier, so we go to sleep.
But the effect of the painkillers is wearing off over the night, and my rib starts boggling me.
I spend a considerable amount of time trying to find a comfortable position, while trying not to make too much noise and wake Dimitri up. I wouldn't want him to start worrying again. His guilt keeps resurfacing from time to time, and even though I am quick to stop him from acting on it, I feel miserable because he feels so too.
But one move sends a shot of pain throughout my entire back and I cannot suppress a wince.
I soon feel Dimitri's hand creeping up on my back, and he soothes it gently. I don't know if I should be glad our beds are so close to each other.
"Rose, are you alright?"
"Yeah. I just… it's a little hard to breathe."
"It hurts?"
"Yeah."
"Let me see."
I get up slowly and get a hold of the hem of my blouse, but stop before lifting it.
"It looks worse than it feels, okay?" I tell him because I know the reaction he will have when he'll see me.
After he nods, I turn around and lift my blouse, exposing my back. He takes in a sharp breath of air, and holds it for a couple of seconds.
His fingers tracing the contour of my colored skin, he sighs.
"You tell me this is nothing, Roza? How…" I wonder if he'd ever stop feeling guilty for this. "Does anything else feel off?" he asks me when I face him again.
I'm sure he'd be able to inspect every inch of my body in search of another bruise, and knowing he would find some, I give him something else.
"Besides a splitting headache? No."
"Maybe you could-"
"I already took pills. It isn't working. But maybe some sleep will do."
I know I won't be able to fall back asleep, but at least I will have an excuse not to see his apologetic face because it kills me to see him like this.
Ivan, Lissa and Mikhail visit us first thing in the morning, when the doctor allows us some visitors. After that, it's mostly just the two of us, as the doctor recommended not to get too many energy-consuming interactions. But I want to see one more person, even though Dimitri tells me to follow the doctor's advice. I don't know if he's saying this just because he believes it would be better for me, or because the one who is soon to come is Adrian, but I'd bet all my money it's the last option.
"Fine," he eventually gives in. "I'll let you two talk," he says grumpily as he heads toward the door.
I guess he wanted to get out before Adrian came, but his luck makes it that Adrian wants to enter the room right when Dimitri opens the door.
"Wow," is Adrian's reaction to stumbling over my guardian.
On the other hand, Dimitri sounds annoyed. "What?"
It's interesting to me that toward Adrian, he never acts like he does with other Moroi. He doesn't even pretend to be amiable toward him and I really need to find out what's the thing between these two.
"Nothing, I just... got surprised to see you."
Mumbling something, Dimitri gets past him and closes the door behind him.
Adrian comes and sits next to me on the bed.
"What did you do to that man?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I knew you have the habit to piss him off, but I didn't think it was to this extent."
"Adrian, you make no sense to me. I didn't do anything to him." well, not today.
"His aura is full of this dark thing," he explains.
"I didn't do anything to him!" and I doubt that a little crankiness over my decision would make his aura dark. "And why do you have that look in your eyes? Do I have something on my face?"
"You see, when I told you I've never seen your kind of aura before, well, I've never seen that darkness in anyone as well. I don't know what could have made it like that."
"Well… I kind of did something to him. Do you think it could be that?"
"What did you do, exactly?"
"Remember when you told me that, in theory, I could heal stuff?"
"Aham."
"I kind of… involuntarily practiced on him."
"You what?! So that's why you're glowing like that."
"Do I glow?"
"Like a Christmas tree in the middle of the sun."
I tell him how it all happened, and he concludes with a nod.
"I see."
"That's all you have to say? I see?"
"I mean, it makes sense. This incident awoke the Spirit in you. You didn't want him to die, so it burst out, allowing you to heal him."
I see him fidgety, and I fear the worst could get out of his mouth next.
"What? Do you have some bad news to deliver?"
"No. I just… I am trying to cut off my vices and it's hard for me to focus."
Despite that, he spends the next hour trying to keep me from freaking out.
When Dimitri comes back, his mood has improved. I'm glad I don't have to put too much work into remedying that, and I'm glad that he decided to hang around the infirmary too, because we both know he's feeling well enough to go up and about his usual business. I don't know if he's doing it because he's feeling bad, but I'm taking it.
"I can't stand Russian dolls."
"Why is that?"
"They're so full of themselves."
He puffs. "No. We're not doing that."
"Why not? We need entertainment. It's boring in here."
"Not with your rib. You shouldn't laugh. Nor move too much," he scolds me when I get out of the bed to take some steps around the room.
"It's not that bad. Come on. It's your turn now."
"I said I'm not doing that."
"And I say you are. It's either this, or I start asking you silly questions. And one way or another, I'll make you answer them."
He shakes his head.
"If I get back in bed, will you do it?"
He sighs, and after a minute of silence in which I've taken my place back in bed, he speaks.
"What did the grape say when it got crushed?"
"What?"
"Nothing, it just let out a little wine."
Coming from him, I laugh my ass off at that. I didn't even know he knew puns!
But he was right. I laugh a little too heartily and my rib hurts, which makes him throw me a look.
"Fine, fine. We'll stick to silly questions then."
"No, we don't." He picks up his book from the nightstand and starts reading. But that doesn't stop me from talking.
"How do you feel about putting pineapple on pizza?" No answer. "If animals could talk, which would be the rudest?" Again, he ignores me. "Why is it that round pizzas come in square boxes?"
With a sigh, he closes his book. "One question. I'll answer you one question, then you go back to your phone game. So choose wisely."
Of course, now that I get my chance to an answer, the parade of silly questions I had seems useless. I want to ask him something more meaningful, I want to learn something new about him, but I don't want to be too noisy, so I resume to this:
"What was your favorite TV show growing up?"
He smiles. "There was this Winnie the Pooh episode I loved. Vinni-Pukh idyot v gosti."
"What does that mean?"
"Winnie the Pooh pays a visit."
"Tell me more."
With a smile still on his lips, he tells me about the plot.
"I don't remember ever seeing such an episode."
"You couldn't have had. We had a different Winnie the Pooh back home."
"You're shitting me."
"Not at all."
"You have to show me that because I don't believe you."
"That would be rather hard. Besides some photos, I don't think you could find any episode online."
"Then how did you use to watch it so many times if you couldn't find it online?"
"We have it recorded on a cassette."
"Oh, comrade, sometimes I forget that soon your knee joints are going to give up on you thanks to how old you are."
After that incursion in his young boy era, I convince him to play some games.
Looking through the ones that Ivan brought, I push the Monopoly away.
"We're not playing that."
"Why not?" Dimitri asks confused.
"As everyone says, it's known to break even the strongest friendships, and I can't say we're ready for that."
"Is that so?"
"I mean… I know you said…" I didn't plan to get to this subject so soon, but here we are, so I guess I could just let it all out. "Look… there were times when you would open your mouth all I wanted was to push you over the edge of a cliff and I mean that with all my heart, but… I don't know, maybe it's the previous fear of you dying talking now, but I like it when we don't fight. When we talk like this. When we hang out. When we're friendly. And even if you continue to consider me your charge, I… I trust you, Dimitri. And I consider you my friend."
He nods. "Got it. No Monopoly for us."
I do my best to smile, even though my eyes sting. I don't know why I expected him to say something else.
"What if you let me kick your ass at Russian draughts just because you feel sorry for me, huh, comrade?"
And he keeps on to this agreement, letting me beat him a couple of times. And for that to happen, he had to put in massive efforts because I'm way too distracted to play the game right.
When I forget once more that my pieces were the white ones, he decides to stop the game.
"Rose, what happened?"
"What do you think this means?"
"By this, you mean what happened that day?"
"Yes. If I can do this… and Adrian can barge into someone's dream and see their auras… what else can we do? How far do our powers stretch? Can I make that happen again or that's all it was?"
He gets up. "Wait here."
He comes back with a pot and it has a flimsy flower in it, ready to die.
"I already tried that." A lot of times in my room, by myself, after Adrian told me it could happen, and a lot of times since we're here. "But I just cannot… Adrian told me I should focus, but I can't. I can't make it happen again."
He puts the plant in between my hands.
"Close your eyes."
"Okay, I'll let you try to help me. Maybe your Zen shit will be coming in handy."
He chuckles as he kneels in front of me on the floor.
"I want you to focus on your breath."
"You know, I tried about a hundred meditation tutorials. They didn't work."
"Just do it one more time."
"Fine."
"In… and out." he breathes into the same rhythm as me, and doing this with someone surely helps me calm my mind. "Did you feel it too?"
"Feel what?"
"When it happened, there was this warmth. It felt like I was bathing in light, on a summer day…"
"You felt it too?"
"Yes. It was… I cannot put it into words…" he puts his hands over mine, and I try not to freak out too much about it. "I want you to remember that. How it felt. How it made your fingers tingly. The light, how it was so beautiful it hurt. So much life. So much goodness. That pure happiness."
Focusing on it, I eventually feel the same energy pass through me, to a way lesser extent than what I did that first time.
I yelp and thank god he was there to hold my hands for I would have dropped the pot.
"I felt it!"
I look at him and he is smiling. "I felt that too."
Looking at the plant, it is not only revived, but the flower that was dry, is now blooming.
I get off the bed and freak out, pacing around the room.
"I did that!"
He looks at the pot, amazed. "You did this."
But my frenzy soon turns into fatigue. My legs feel like jello and I need to sit back down.
"Hey, are you alright?"
"Yeah, but I think this took a little more energy than I thought it will."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. You're already weakened enough."
"It's alright. At least I found out it wasn't a singular occurrence." or that I imagined it somehow, because lately, things feel off, and I can't figure them out, but it feels a little like losing my mind over it all.
Adrian visits us again, the next day, and I show him what I can do. Despite Dimitri telling me to take it easy, I have been practicing it by sneaking out of the room last night and making all of the plants on the corridor bloom.
He is impressed, but not really at the same time. I wonder if he's just cranky about not smoking his cigar, or it's something more to it.
"Do you think there is something else you can do?"
"I don't know… maybe… I don't know if it counts, but… it still seems strange to me each time I think about it." I fill him in on how I made the guardians let go of me that day, so I could go back to Dimitri. "And yesterday, when the nurse was bogging me to eat, I just looked in her eyes and said 'No. Leave me alone.' She then seemed to enter some haze and… left me alone. I mean, I know we can-"
"We can, but more than others."
"Then why didn't you mention that before?"
"It seemed a little too unethical."
"Compared to barging in people's dreams, huh?"
He smiles, but he soon becomes serious again, and he tells me that now, there is some darkness in my aura too.
"Maybe you should turn down the practicing a little notch. You're still not fully recovered."
"You sound just like Dimitri."
He ignores my comment. "How are you feeling?"
I could argue he continues to sound like Dimitri, but I just answer him.
"Fine. I mean, I am a little tired, but that's expected, and I'm annoyed they're not letting me leave, but in rest, things are fine."
"Please take care, okay?" He is genuinely concerned, and coming from him, it kind of makes me concerned too.
"What are you worried about?"
"Rose, I am not drinking and smoking for the fun of it, no matter what other people say."
"I don't get it"
"I mean… this thing takes its toll on you. This power is taking its toll on you."
"Yeah, I kind of feel dizzy and tired after-"
"Not that. Not in that way."
"Will you just tell me?"
"I don't know… it kind of messes with your mind."
"I don't have that problem."
"Yet." He smiles. "Or maybe, you're just that special, little one. I really hope you are."
His comment doesn't bring me any comfort. On the contrary. It makes me be in a bad mood the rest of the day.
It makes me think of how I was feeling like things are off, of how the littlest noise sometimes makes me want to rage, but from that to actually losing my sanity, it's a big stretch, right?
No. Adrian is talking nonsense! Maybe he has a problem and he's blaming it on this power, but I'm fine.
Still, if I think about it, people becoming crazy doesn't sound unfamiliar to me. I read all these books after all and going crazy was always part of the story. But out of the two of them, Vladimir and Anna, she was the one described as the crazy one. Can a dhampir be involved in this Spirit thing too? They don't use magic, that I know for sure, but could we project on them? What if Vladimir did to Anna what I did to Dimitri and she ended up the way she did? What if I…
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine. Why are you asking?"
"You don't feel like… going insane?"
He turns his head and looks at me, probably pondering if I'm insane to ask him such a thing.
"If you mean with boredom, kind of. We've tried out all the things there are to spend the time."
"Yeah, that's what I was trying to say too."
That's not the answer I wanted from him, but if he would, let's suppose, feel like he is going insane, would he tell me? After all, he likes to be in control of everything and would rather die than admit such a thing to me.
Him opening the subject of extreme boredom, I get an idea and I eventually convince him to go outside, by telling him that getting some fresh air would do good for my continuous headache.
We don't need to, but I try to make things more fun by pretending we're on some kind of secret mission, and he indulges me, to some extent.
Outside, we sit on his faithful duster on the ground, and by halfway lying on my back, I pretend that I'm watching the stars as he's peeling the clementine he wanted to eat when I proposed we go outside. But truth is, stars don't interest me much. Seeing how focused he is on his task, how slowly and softly he handles the fruit, it's endearing.
When the peel is off, he puts his thumbs on the top of the clementine, and rips it in half. Almost in half. The left side is one slice bigger than the other. He extends that to me.
"Thank you."
This time, we both watch the stars as we enjoy the citrus.
"I'm sorry I said that," he begins out of nowhere.
"Sorry you said what?"
"That I don't see you as more than my charge."
"It's fine if you do. Just because I-"
"I know I don't have to say it just because you said it. But it's the truth. I… I thought that if we get friendly, it would affect my work. And I need to be able to protect you, Rose, you understand that?"
"But you did the same thing with Ivan. You're his friend and you've been his guardian for so long, right?"
Dimitri's POV
"Right." But how do I tell her it is so different when it comes to her? How do I tell her that when I'm around her the last thing I can do is to think straight or about friendship? "But you know, your friendliness has the habit of distracting people."
She chuckles. "I am a bad influence indeed. I'll try not to-" no, this wasn't the direction I wanted the discussion to head toward
"It's good. In small doses, you know?" because I'll never allow myself more. "I don't want you to stop being who you are around me. I like it. Being around you. And when we're friendly."
She smiles. "Oh, comrade, you'll never hear the end of this now."
But soon, her jaw tightens and her eyebrows furrow.
"You still didn't get rid of that headache?"
"Not really. The pills make it a little bit better, but it never goes away."
"Did you keep on practicing?" I know she did, I heard her sneak out of the room.
"You know, now one of your tricks would come in handy, comrade," she wants to change the subject and I decide to let it pass for now. "Like you did with my dizziness."
And yes, I know I shouldn't, but nothing else worked, right?
"Lie down," I say as I pat my thigh. "And put your head here."
She does it without question and I start massaging her temples.
"Oh, that feels really good."
So I keep on doing it until she eventually falls asleep. Or so I thought, because her eyes closed.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Ask."
"When you…" she isn't looking up at me, and I know she's going to ask me something that I cannot tell the truth as the answer. "When we were there… You said… holding… my hand…" voice gets fainter, and I know exactly what she is talking about.
"I was afraid."
"Afraid?" she tilts her head a little, and looks into my eyes.
"Feeling like I was going to die… yes, I got afraid of that. And I didn't want to be alone when that happened. I wanted to feel someone close." I know this is not a good explanation, but she doesn't push for more. I could never give her more.
When I lay her in her bed later on, I hope that tonight her sleep won't be too troubled by anything. Being in her room, finally, I hope it helps. And I hope I won't get scolded too much for cutting her staying in the infirmary a day short.
The next day, I'm glad to hear she wants to spend one more day in bed. I didn't want to be the one to ask her to do that because I knew she wouldn't do it, as she loves to do things in spite me.
I checked in with her throughout the day, and she was busy enough with visitors, so I could go ahead and answer some more questions from my superiors, who are still doubtful about what happened there. But I'll be damned if I say a word about what truly happened to me. I guess that will be one more of our secrets, at least for a while. We have a lot of those lately, and the guilt of keeping them is starting to keep me up at night.
So, to clear out my mind, I go on a late-night run. I was even starting to feel better, when this overwhelming feeling of fear came over me. But it's not mine. Somewhere at the back of my head, I know it's her who's so afraid. I feel that she needs me, so I pick up my pace and go to her room.
I knock on the door, but it's useless.
When I hear her mumbling "No." over and over again, I fear it happened once more. He came to her room again.
I don't hesitate to break the lock when the door doesn't open right away, but I stop my intrusion when I see she's all alone in the room. She's fumbling in bed, still repeating that word.
I get closer and shake her gently, trying to wake her up. After what happened, it's a wonder the nightmares took so many days to come.
She eventually wakes up, and I thought she would be relieved to be awake. Hell, I even thought she would be glad to see me, but exactly the opposite happens. She looks even more terrified, and she pushes me away.
"Don't touch me! Don't fucking dare touch me!"
"Rose, it's alright. It was just-"
"What is alright? The fact that you were trying to kill me?"
"Kill you? Rose, you were having a bad dream."
"Sure. Of course I was. Maybe before you came in here to do that! You try to tell me I'm crazy now? You bastard. I knew you didn't like me, but god, to get this far? You told me we could be friends! You fucking lied to me!"
"Rose, I wasn't-"
"You were! You were choking me! You were trying to kill me!"
She eyes the door, and I know she is about to do two things: try to run and scream for help. None of which I can let her do.
I manage to catch her before she flees out of bed, but the second part didn't go too well.
"Help! Some-"
I cover her mouth before she manages to say more, so she starts struggling, and I only try harder to keep her in place.
In our fight, we end up lying in bed, me on top of her, pinning her down as best as I can, with one hand still over her mouth, as my other keeps her hands pinned above her head.
She is biting on my fingers, like ready to rip through the bone, but I cannot afford to pull my hand away.
"I'm not going to do anything to you, Rose. Please take a second and listen to me."
The grip of her teeth loosens as her eyes fill with tears.
"Please," she mumbles against my hand. "Please… don't hurt me."
"Roza, I won't. I would never…" I take my hand off her mouth and wait a couple of seconds, to see if she plans to yell for help again. "Listen to me. I won't hurt you. Ever."
"I don't want to die," her voice breaks and the tears start to fall.
"Shh. Easy. I won't…" I sigh, defeated. How can I make her understand she was dreaming? And how can she think I would ever do this to her?
"Please… please, Dimitri…"
"Look, I am going to ask you something, and no matter how weird it might seem, I want you to tell me, alright?" She nods, even so slightly. "What was I wearing?"
"What?"
"When I was… doing that to you. What was I wearing?" I know it's a far stretch and if the clothes match I'm fucked, but it's worth a shot.
"What do you mean what you were wearing? You still are! You're wearing that guardian uniform and-"
Relief floods me when I hear that and I get off her and turn on the lamp on the nightstand, letting her see what I'm wearing. Thank God I didn't go for my usual black gear.
"That's a grey sweatshirt…" she frowns. "I… no, you… we were in the infirmary and you…"
"Rose, we're in your room. Remember, they let you go. You've been in here for more than a day."
"What? No… I…"
"It was a dream. A very vivid one, but still, a dream."
"You… weren't trying to kill me?"
"No, Rose. Of course not."
She gets up to her butt and looks around her, seeming more confused.
"It felt so real. You…" she massages her temples. "I don't understand. It was a dream?"
"Yes." more like a terror if you ask me.
"But I felt it. It was so real. You were hurting me. It hurt." She starts crying once more. "I thought you were going to kill me."
"I know. But it's over now." I put a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her, but her sobs are uncontrollable. "Hey, easy."
When I sit on the bed next to her, she puts her arms around my neck, and I have no other choice but to hold her just as tight.
"Easy, Rose. Easy. It's alright. It's alright now."
When her crying stops, I tell myself it's time to leave before this turns into something else. But when I want to pull away, she fists my sweatshirt in her hands, and doesn't let go when I try to make her to.
"Rose… I…" her knuckles must hurt from how hard she holds on to the material.
"Don't leave me alone, please." I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. "Please."
How can I leave?
"It's alright, I'll stay," I assure her as I pass my hand through her hair. "Unless you tell me to go, I promise I'm staying."
For another minute or so, her grip doesn't loosen. But when the only moves I make are toward her, toward holding her close to me, toward soothing her, she has the assurance I am not pulling away anymore, and lets go of the sweatshirt, then tilts her head up, meeting my eyes.
I smooth the matted strands of sweaty hair off of her face and try a little, reassuring smile.
"I'm sorry."
"No, don't say that."
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I must be going mad."
"Hey. It's been a hard time. It takes time to get over it." this experience must have brought up some nasty memories, so it's no wonder someone would react this way. "Let's put you to sleep, alright? You still need to rest."
"But you-"
"I won't leave, don't worry."
"Can we… leave the light turned on?"
"Will you be able to fall asleep with it on?"
"Probably not."
"I think I've seen a nightlight somewhere. Would it help if I bring it to you?"
"I… I don't know. Yeah. Maybe. Thank you."
"I'll be right back, then."
I'm glad I found a cute night light, shaped like a sitting duck, with its legs hanging over the edge of the table when you put it down, and I am convinced she is going to love it. I dare think she'll even smile when she sees it.
But when I get back to her room, things aren't as well as I thought they'd be. Because she's crying again.
"Hey, what happened now?"
"What if there's something wrong with me?"
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you."
"But things feel off."
"I understand they do. But it will get better."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
But my reassurances don't do the trick this time, and she eventually cries herself to sleep in my arms.
I leave as soon as the sun rose in the sky. It was enough that she fell asleep next to me. Waking up in the same manner seemed too much for my already guilty conscience.
But not too long after I left, I get that feeling again. The feeling that she's not fine. So I rush out of my room and want to head toward hers.
Only that something pulls me toward the training room instead. And believe it or not, I find her in there, punching a boxing bag over and over again, but to no relief. That something that's bothering her is still there.
She shows her frustration by taking the gloves off and throwing them on the ground.
Turning around, she gasps when she sees me.
"What are you doing here?"
"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, I meant, it's your morning off. Shouldn't you be reading a Western or something?"
"You're not alright."
"What? Of course I am."
"Don't lie to me."
"How do you know? You didn't even see me for the past hours."
I can't tell her I just felt it. She'll think I'm crazy.
Instead, I change the subject.
"That won't work." she might get rid of the anger inside for a short while, but the problem won't get solved. She needs to process it all, but I don't know if she feels ready for it yet.
"And what do you propose I do?"
"Why don't you sit down?" she complies right away. "And I'll come behind you, okay?" She nods and I kneel behind her. "Close your eyes."
"I'm not doing that zen shit again."
Zen shit or not, it calms the mind and gives you some more clarity.
"Give me just a minute."
"Fine." She closes her eyes. "Now what?"
"I want you to focus on your breath. Can you do that?"
"I can't really focus on anything. My head hurts like a bitch." Still? Did it ever go away in these past days? Should I be concerned? I mean, more concerned than I already am?
"Give it a try, at least."
"Only if you tell me that you do this shit yourself."
Not that I succeed much lately, but I try to. "I do."
"And aren't you lying to me?"
"Why would I?"
"Okay. Then I'll try."
Rose's POV
"Give me your hand."
I do as I've been asked, and extend my hand to him. He takes it in his and places both our hands over my heart.
"You feel that? How fast it beats?"
"I do." And if he thinks it is because I am angry, he's partially wrong. After all, he is so close to me right now.
"Breathe into it." I take a deep breath in. "Hold," following the same instructions, he stops breathing too. "And out, then hold." I empty my lungs, but my mind is still full. "Good. Now once more."
And we continue to breathe in sync in the same pattern for a couple of minutes.
"That feels better?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Because you're in for a scolding for being out of bed and kicking that punching bag, considering your rib."
I can't help but laugh.
I don't know if Dimitri did something else to me in that training room, but as noon rolls over, I feel so much better. My headache is gone, my mind feels so much clearer, and I even feel some jolly feeling rise in me.
"You seem very jolly today," even Ivan notices as we meet.
"Yes, I am. In fact, I feel like having a party today."
I don't know where that idea came from, but it doesn't sound like a bad one. After all, maybe I should celebrate somehow the fact that I'm still alive. And yes, I am aware that I am trying to distract myself from what's going to happen tomorrow, but there's a lot of time to spend until tomorrow comes, and I don't want to spend it in my head.
"We can make that happen," he hops onto the idea right away.
"Yeah… too bad I don't have too many people to invite. I mean… I still have no friends here. I didn't make a great impression on anyone."
"But you did."
"Did I?" because I haven't seen people fight each other to be around me.
"Just because people don't directly come to you, it doesn't mean they don't want to be around you."
"I didn't think of it that way."
"Plus, you seem a little intimidating to people."
"Yeah, I guess that's true." After all, I do have a reputation for punching people.
"Or maybe they saw how busy you are and they don't want to bother you."
"But that's just silly. I would fill my days with activities because I thought people didn't want to hang out with me, not because I didn't want to hang out with them."
"Let's remedy that then. Let's do that party thing. I can take care of the people."
"Yeah. Sounds good. But what can we do? It's the middle of the day." And to be honest, I want to have fun right now, not wait until the night comes and we can hit a club or something.
"Let's hang out outside. It's been extremely nice these days and…" he looks out the window, like examining our options. "Have you ever played mini golf?"
"No."
"Then we'll hit the mini golf ground."
"Do we have that here?"
"Of course we do. We have plenty of facilities here." yup, anything so that we wouldn't be tempted by the outside world.
In order not to make a fool of myself in front of our guests, Ivan and I hit the gold course earlier, so that he could show me a thing or two.
As I practice my swing, he tells me he arranged something for an exhibition.
"That fast?"
"In some way. Remember how all my locations kind of sucked?"
"They didn't suck." Not all of them, anyway.
"You're nice to lie to me, but anyway. That doesn't matter anymore because I managed to get you some spaces on a wall at the most famous art exhibition that's now in town."
"You did?"
"Aham. And it's going to happen soon. Like this week soon."
"How did you do that?"
"I know people. And… I might want to impress you."
For once, I smile at his flirty remark.
"Thank you, Ivan. You really believe in me."
"I'd be a fool not to."
Slowly, people start gathering up. First, it's Christian and Lissa, Abby, Emma and her brother and other six people, that I am yet to remember the names of.
We entertain ourselves with the game and a bunch of cocktails, of course, non-alcoholic for me, as my hypervigilant guardian is near.
During the game, I seem to score point after point.
"You'd never guess this is the first time you hold a golf cross," Ivan adds when I score a hole that he missed.
"Well, I had a great teacher. But most of all, I feel very lucky today."
And maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth, because I miss a hit that should have been simple. Thing that gets Ivan cocky.
"Watch how a professional does it."
But he misses his hole too, and I cannot stop my laughter.
Adopting the same cocky attitude, I push him aside, wanting to try my luck again with the hole.
"Just watch and learn, Zeklos."
But I guess the beginner's luck is starting to wear off because I send my ball flying into the forested area around the golf course.
By camaraderie, Ivan sends his ball there too, so we both head there to retrieve them.
Our balls ended up close, and when it's my turn, because I don't want to hit his ball instead, I end up missing my hit completely.
He doesn't seem to have the same problem as me, as he, like on purpose, sends my ball flying. In the wrong direction.
"You little bastard!" I punch his arm when he smiles at me.
I go to my ball and he follows me, to keep me further company.
When I prepare to hit it, he lifts his hand a stops my swing midway.
"Rose, don't move."
"Why? You're afraid I might actually hit it in the right direction?"
"No. I'm telling you that because there is a raccoon watching us from the bushes."
"A what? Where?"
I look around to spot it, but don't see it.
"Don't move too hastily, okay? It's right behind you."
I slowly turn and look at it.
"Come on, look at it, it's so cute. All chubby and fluff."
"Does the foam at its mouth look cute too?"
"Oh, fuck." That I didn't see.
He starts approaching us, I hope out of curiosity and not because he wants to bite our asses.
"What do we do now? Do we continue not to move, or do you think you can outrun a rabid raccoon?" how fast do these things run anyway? Does rabies give them superspeed?
"I don't have to. I just have to run faster than you."
"Oh, so this is how you're going to play?"
"I might." He smiles when our eyes meet. "Let's run."
"On three?"
"No, right now. Go!"
So we start running. And the raccoon decides to follow.
You might think that Dimitri's trainings would make me the fastest, but I guess spending so much time weak or resting cut down on my stamina.
Despite telling me earlier he will outrun me and leave me to the rabid raccoon, Ivan has always been behind me, with a couple of steps.
When he understands why I'm slowing down, as he approaches me, he tells me something.
"What?"
"I said to hold tight!"
"To what?"
"To me," he says as he picks me up onto his shoulder, and keeps on running.
When we get back to our gang, we're laughing too hard to be able to explain to them what happened.
But my laughter ceases when I realize how Ivan has been carrying me back and when I realize the way people look at us now. How Ivan himself is looking at me. And Dimitri too.
And I know what they're all thinking about Ivan and me, which gets me embarrassed, so I excuse myself, saying I need some rest, and leave.
I don't get to mentally slap myself too much, because as I am making my way out of the golf area, I meet Lissa, who is going back toward it. And if you ask me, she looks rather sick.
"What's the matter?"
She smiles. "I think it's time I tell you something."
The rest of the day goes fine too. Until I went to sleep. Well, that wasn't bad either, for I didn't have a horrendous nightmare again.
Instead, I wake up as Dimitri is shaking me, and I soon realize I'm in the garden, kneeling on the wet earth, my hands filled with mud from a hole in front of me.
He doesn't tell me anything or scold me for sitting here, in the middle of the night. He just looks at me, nods reassuringly, and helps me up to my feet, then starts guiding me back inside.
His hoodie on my shoulders is the only thing keeping me warm, my shorts and T-shirt not helping much, and his hand holding mine is the only thing keeping me steady.
We are both silent, but his is an assured silence, a silence that tells me that whatever is going on now, we'll figure it out. But not before he takes care of me. Which I let him do.
We end up in my bathroom, where he washes my hands of the dirt, gently scrubbing my nails with soap that smells like bubblegum.
He even gets me inside the shower and takes care of the mud on my legs, revealing scratches I have no account of.
He then helps me out of the shower cabin and pats my legs dry, then goes and brings me a clean set of pajamas, and waits for me to change.
When I get out of the bathroom, I want to thank him for understanding, for his calmness and patience, so I hug him tight, my hands clinging onto his back as I bury my face into the softness of his sweater. He props his chin against my head and holds me just as tight.
"I'm sorry. I don't… I'm really sorry."
He tilts my head up and with just a glance in his eyes, I'm calmer.
"Has this ever happened to you before?"
"Not in a long while. I was a kid the last time I did this. I just… how did you know I was there?" I wasn't at the entrance of the garden, after all, and it's a big place too.
"I just knew."
"How?"
"In my sleep, I saw you and-"
He gets interrupted by a bird slamming against the window.
It's not the first time this happens and I rush out on the little balcony of my room to find a sterling in so much pain. Lying on its back, it flaps its wings but doesn't manage to turn around.
My heart fills with sorrow seeing it and before I realize it, I reach my hand for it.
"Rose," Dimitri's arms keep me steady on my feet when I feel my knees weak.
I only realize what I've done after the bird flies away as if nothing happened. Then I feel that nasty headache is back again.
"I didn't mean to. I just… it was so little and… What's happening to me? Why couldn't I control it?"
"I don't know. But we need to figure this out."
"But how?"
He shrugs. "More books?"
"We've run out of books, Dimitri. And all the ones we had said the same thing, and nothing was too helpful."
"I have gotten some more books from another private collection. I wanted to read them myself but I think the situation needs two pairs of eyes. I can't promise they'll have an answer, but we can try."
I see in his eyes how much this eats at him, how he wants to solve this, but has no idea how. So I nod and accept any help that is given to me.
"Then we start reading again."
He nods too. "Don't worry about it now. Let's get through the trial, and let's get you healthy again first, alright?"
Me agreeing to that means that I need to get some sleep tonight, so he puts me to bed.
Exhaustion eventually put me in a deep sleep, but only for a few hours, because soon enough I am wide awake and worrying.
The trial is starting at eight and even though everyone told me I shouldn't worry about it, that my job is simple, just go on the stand and speak against the man that paired with the Strigoi in order to end my life, I'm afraid. Not that I would say something wrong, the truth is still the truth, but I'm afraid of the fact that I have to face him, knowing he's the one who killed Nikolai, and he's responsible for everything that happened after that. All these days, I've been trying to avoid thinking about it, but soon enough I have to face it, whether I like it or not.
With my second sleeping session being short too, I think I have plenty of time for another blow-out-some-steam session in the gym, and I don't think twice before putting on my gym gear.
When I'm about to get out the door, my maid intercepts me.
"Princess, look what I stumbled upon," she says extending my necklace to me.
"You found it! Where was it?"
"At the bottom of the sock drawer. I think it just fell there and you didn't notice it. Here, let me help you put it on."
"I don't think I should be wearing it anymore. I don't want to lose it for good." misplacing the nazar once hurt bad enough.
"But…"
"But what?"
"I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but today is a hard day, isn't it? I thought it would be a nice thing to cling to while testifying."
Yeah, I kind of had to tell her how much it meant to me when I was hysterically looking for it yesterday. And she's not wrong. I could use some extra support today, so I let her put the necklace around my neck.
I don't know if he felt it again, whatever that means anyway, or he guessed I'd be here, but not long after I enter the gym, Dimitri makes his entrance too.
"If you're here to tell me to breathe again, you can respectfully fuck off. I cannot have that now. I need to get it out of my system, so you either spare with me, or let me fuck this punching bag up."
"But your rib-"
"Fuck my rib. I need this. I really do."
I've been trying to pretend that whatever happened didn't affect me, but it's getting harder and harder to do so. Things are slowly getting out of my control and I need even the littlest sign of normalcy now.
He nods, like telling me I got you, and he goes to put on his gloves.
We start slow, but soon enough, whatever drives me to throw punch after punch, seems to take over him too, and our sparring becomes more intense. At times, I feel like my muscles are going to give in, but I keep on pushing through. It does me good, in some ways, even though the tension in my body doesn't decrease at all. On the contrary. Each time Dimitri touches me, I get this growing desire to feel more of that.
Unable to focus on what I should, my moves become sloppier and hectic, and he wins, of course. He eventually has me pinned to the ground with no chance to escape.
When our eyes meet, it breaks me. I'm fighting too many feelings right now, and it gets overwhelming. My eyes fill with tears and they soon start spilling.
"Oh, Roza…" he tries to wipe my tears, but to no avail. "Talk to me."
"I was so afraid. I didn't want to die. I didn't want you to die. You…"
"I know." he arranges the strands that got out of my ponytail. "I was afraid of losing you too."
"You were?" he nods in response. "Because it would look bad on your record, right?"
He smiles. "When we were in there, this was the last reason on my mind."
"Then? What were you thinking of?"
"That I might never…" he seems to fight to get those words out, but I need to know.
"That you would never what?"
"Do this."
"Do what?"
And without any notice, he presses his lips on mine.
