Author's Note: I know it's been awhile since an update and I am sorry. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and have been helping with her care since October of last year. To say I have not even had time to do anything for myself in these this time is putting it mildly. My mother is 81 and the strain of going through breast cancer at this age is overwhelming. I love writing. I do. But my family comes first. With that in mind I hope you enjoy this chapter as it was written in the brief moments late at night when I didn't zonk out. Hopefully it was worth waiting for.
Xena shook her head side to side rapidly as tears began to fall from her eyes.
No.
No!
She couldn't accept it.
No!
NO!
It was of little use though.
It didn't matter how many times she repeated the word in her head.
Xena's chest tightened as her mind plagued her with images.
Images that had been placed their by a woman who knew more than she should have.
Images of Meg with Joxer and Joxer touching Meg... while thinking of her.
She couldn't help imagining the look in his eyes as he looked down at Meg and imagining it was her. Imagining he was looking at Meg like he looked at her in her dreams.
Elaine's words were swirling in her mind. Hearing her words over and over again.
"If I had been in your shoes Xena...I would have been pissed each time he came back wearing a smile on his face!"
Xena's eyes clouded suddenly. A clenching of her heart left her gasping as she tried to fight the outright panic as she saw it in her minds eye.
Joxer looking at her with a look of hurt or slight anger and then walking away from her, and a few weeks later returning with these huge smiles on his face.
Anger suddenly surged through her veins.
" You acted like his presence irked you...and I mean... you allowed him to go to Meg and have sex with her...and you KNEW! You KNEW he was Xena! You even encouraged it!"
"You Knew..."
"You KNEW he was Xena!"
Xena shook her head trying to dislodge Elaine's voice in her mind.
She tried to block out her own mind that said it was true.
But Elaine's words kept repeating in her mind and were followed by images of Joxer's face after she called him a name or made fun of him.
The hurt in his eyes. The knowledge that she had hurt him and even thinking sometimes it was for his own good.
Xena's chest felt like it was being tightened by a vice.
"How many times you upset him...and he would leave and go fuck her brains out because of what you did or said?"
Xena's hands turned white around the basket as the words caused a zing of rage to fill her.
Xena had been plagued with erotic dreams of him for the last month.
Every night.
Every night he made love to her.
For a month her body would wake in the night cresting, knowing and not knowing his touch, and the jealousy of watching him with Elaine would drive her near insanity during the morning hours.
"Did he unleash it on her? All the anger? All the sadness? Do you think Meg cared how he was using her while thinking of you Xena?!"
Xena was crying without being aware of her surroundings as she continued to walk in the woods with Togo in the basket she held. Greywolf followed her and stared after her, looking and sniffing and trying to understand what was wrong with his human.
"Imagining Meg touching him knowing that he could have been thinking of me while he did it. Knowing he knew how to please MY body but he was touching her and sharing his heart with me. I would have gone insane with jealousy..."
A branch snapping nearby jerked Xena's mind back to her surroundings and her crying eyes were shining brightly and wide as she looked around her trying to find what made the sound.
Her eyes landed on a small chipmunk that was frozen in place and panting as he looked to one side of Xena.
Xena looked over and found Greywolf stopped in his stride and froze just like the chipmunk.
"You didn't see it. You didn't care!"
Xena startled slightly when Togo howled and the chipmunk ran away.
For a second there was silence again. But her mind tormented her just that little bit more.
"Even if you wanted him...he doesn't see you. And you are the one who made sure of that. No one else."
Xena squeezed her eyes shut and tried to get the images of Joxer touching Meg in front of her to leave. To stop seeing his smile and his eyes shining with love at Meg. To know he would leave them and go to her and that Meg would willingly...
Xena gasped as she cried, sucking in breath as she felt a pain she had never experienced before. It went beyond jealousy.
She couldn't let Gabrielle see her like this. Because then she would know.
She would know.
Xena could barely admit it to herself, let alone anyone.
Watching him with Solan at night, she knew that if things had been different...
Xena shook her head.
Fairytales and wishful thinking.
The idea of Joxer and her together was beyond absurd!
Yet lately... in those certain moments, when she would see Solan smiling and staring at Joxer and Joxer staring back at him with a goofy smile on his face her heart would seize from the joy it brought her.
To see Solan so happy and so full of life...
To watch Joxer act and become a father in every sense of the word to Solan...
Xena would catch herself watching them in the distance, neither of the two knowing she was watching, not knowing herself that she was watching them - and a feeling of complete joy and love would form in her heart.
And then Elaine would suddenly appear next to Joxer...and Xena felt as though a hammer had been launched at her chest.
To watch Joxer kiss Elaine with that look of happiness and sparkle in his eyes, it...it made her want to destroy Elaine without care for consequences. Especially when Solan looked at Elaine with a similar look in his eyes. A look of love she thought was reserved for only her.
Xena gripped the basket so tightly that the wicker broke in her hands and by reflex alone she caught Togo from falling onto the ground.
The small puppy whimpered in fear at the rage he felt in Xena.
Xena hearing the whimper quickly placed Togo on the ground. The second she was knelled down Greywolf immediately began licking her face, which made Xena realize she was crying.
Sucking in a huge breath made a noise of pain come out of her mouth which in turn made Greywolf whine as he continued to lick her face.
Xena's insides trembled because she knew Joxer was falling deeper in love with Elaine. She saw it in his eyes when he looked at Elaine.
Even when he was back at the Amazon village he barely looked at anyone else.
Just like he had been with Gabrielle.
Except it wasn't one sided.
Xena hated the way Elaine stared back at him. Hated the way Elaine could easily touch him, make him laugh, even how she made him eat what she wanted.
Joxer's eyes always remained on Elaine.
Amarice and Armand were the only real exceptions. Elaine would talk with them and make them all laugh, including Solan.
Amarice would always try and get her and Gabrielle to go to Joxer and talk with him, and they would try...SHE would try. Joxer still wasn't talking with Gabrielle and Gabrielle had learned her lesson from the last time to not let her emotions get the best of her.
And still when she did, the only thing Joxer would give her were frosty cold responses.
Not looking into either of their eyes and not talking as much as Elaine talked for him.
He was more quiet then he had ever been since knowing him.
Without his armor he didn't creak, when he moved he wasn't fumbling, when he sat down and ate he would keep quiet and have everyone else talking.
The loud annoying man they had both known was gone.
And in his place a man who barely tolerated them sat.
Gabrielle would glare at Elaine and turn and rage away before her eyes filled with tears.
But she would stay. She would stay and ask Solan about what he and his dad had done that day. She would watch how Joxer would smile and that sparkle in his eyes would shine like crazy as Solan told her what had happened that day and what he had learned.
She saw the love Joxer had for Solan and it made her heart ache all the more when Joxer would share that smile and look with Elaine.
And now...now that Elaine had unleashed a new truth that she had failed to see...
Greywolf whimpered as Xena bowed her head and sucked in another huge breath.
Suddenly a hand caressed her chin and Xena was suddenly staring up into the blue eyes of Hera.
"But now you see." Hera searched Xena's eyes, knowing she didn't see all of it.
"Now you know what I have been trying to tell you. He loved you first. Loved you before Gabrielle was even a thought in his mind. You made it clear that nothing would ever happen between the two of you, so his love transformed to the only thing it could. But men are weak creatures. Even when he could not have you he sought what he could. And you gave him your permission and blessing." Hera said as she slowly sank down and stared into Xena's eyes.
"I...I didn't..." Xena shook her head as tears clogged her throat as she tried to explain how she hadn't thought of it that way.
"You are...were...so focused on Gabrielle that you didn't even consider it." Hera caressed Xena's face who looked like a lost little girl.
"He fell in love with Gabrielle and she's...she's my whole reason for being..." Xena began to justify her focus on Gabrielle when Hera's words made her heart crack.
"And you were his reason...but you weren't there. She was." Hera watched the anger build in Xena's eyes as her mind whirled with images of Joxer touching Meg the way he touched her in her dreams.
Meg was there. Meg was the one who touched him instead of her.
And Elaine had seen it.
And now Elaine was taking Meg's place.
Xena felt like vomiting.
"You're upsetting Eve. Come...Elaine is away from Joxer and we don't have much time before she returns to his side." Hera rose as gracefully as any queen and promptly wiped Xena's tear away as she sniffled and stood.
Xena wiped at her face and sniffled again like a child. "Joxer's alone right now?"
Greywolf whimpered again but sat back on his haunches as Togo stared up at Hera.
Hera looked over and gave a small smirk to the puppy.
"He is not. Ares is trying to...train him at the moment." With that Hera looked up and over at Xena with a smile blossoming on her face.
Xena tried to fight the laugh those words brought to her mind when Hera shocked her.
"They're actually getting along. Apparently they're shared interests has them bonding."
Xena's laughter disappeared from her face as she felt a tightening in her chest. "You mean Elaine."
Hera gave a slight nod. "That and the humor that only men seem to share with one another that confounds us women. Really even I found certain things Joxer said to be...well...quite funny." Hera suddenly smirked and gave a little chuckle causing Xena to instantly want to know what Hera would find funny.
"Soo...we're not going to Joxer?" Xena asked and Hera said nothing but stared into Xena's eyes.
"How long have you been having those dreams?" Hera's question threw Xena for a loop and promptly blushed at the topic.
"Can you please stop reading my thoughts?" Xena asked with a growl in her voice as she grew flustered at the very vivid image of Joxer over her body suddenly popped into her mind and Hera gave a very cat ate the canary smile.
"It's quite interesting that you are having them since Morpheus has sworn up and down he is not the cause for them...which is confounding both he and I." Hera said as she leaned down to pick up the small excited Togo who promptly howled at Hera and stared at Xena excitedly as Hera held him like a satchel on her arm facing Xena.
"How...how is that possible. All dreams are from Morpheus." Xena tried to stop blushing at the knowledge that Hera knew about the dreams. Trying to distract herself with the fact that if Morpheus wasn't sending her the dreams then...
"It appears that they are not coming from him...but from you." Hera said as she slowly pet Togo who leaned into the small scratches Hera was giving his head. Hera looked up with a small smirk on her lips.
Xena couldn't stop her face from turning red.
If there was one thing she knew, it was that until Elaine had appeared she had never once looked at Joxer sexually. He just...wasn't her type. He was...goofy and...and lanky. The complete opposite of what she found attractive in men.
But the dreams that haunted her at night had little to do about his body. It was how he focused all of himself on her and her alone.
How he moved with complete intention to give her maximum pleasure.
How his eyes would lock with hers and she would know without doubt what he felt for her. That he lo...
Xena stopped the thought from entering in her mind.
Terrified by what it could mean.
Mind and body were fighting each other as she knew that his touch on her was not just foreign, it wasn't even from memory.
And yet her body was now hyper aware of him.
She would know the instant he was back in camp. Like Gabrielle she felt his presence almost instantly and her heart would start to beat faster.
But when he looked at her now...
Xena's mind flashed to see an image of him in her mind from the last few weeks.
His face would always be sullen...and filled with pain.
Her mind saw his deep brown eyes and knew that he was now in constant pain.
She wanted the glimmer back in his eyes.
A month ago she would have dismissed his looks of pain as him mooning over Gabrielle and now...
And now he looked at her with that pain because he thought SHE had been with Gabrielle this whole time.
Because Elaine had told him that they were in love with each other.
"God's damn it!" Xena growled out as her hands fisted.
"Was that really necessary?" Hera asked as she gave a scolding look to Xena.
"I never thought of Joxer like this before and he never questioned HOW I loved Gabrielle before Elaine showed up!" Xena growled as she redirected her sadness to anger.
Anger she was use to.
"When was the last time do you think that he saw you as merely a woman?" Hera asked as she saw the anger build in Xena.
Xena looked up startled at Hera.
"When am I not a woman?" Xena asked with a glare at Hera who simply smirked at Xena.
"A woman who has fought giants and raised armies. A woman whom he wished to learn the art of battle from. You are dominant in all senses of the word. He cowers from you whenever you show him your anger. He's afraid to even touch you..." Hera turned and lifted one perfect eyebrow at Xena who winced as she knew in that moment that Hera had been listening to Joxer's thoughts.
Joxer had only tried once to touch her and she had whirled around with crazy eyes to glare at him. He immediately had looked petrified.
That was the moment. That was the last moment almost certainly.
Hera nodded her head with a firm look in her eyes. "Elaine has not shown her physical abilities around him not once. She has shown him her feminine side and allowed him to be the one to dictate his affections. YOU...on the other hand...have done the opposite."
Xena stared at Hera as she felt her heart sink.
Hera was right.
Elaine had indeed played the maiden that needed protecting.
The way she had not fought back with Gabrielle at the very beginning of this fiasco had showed Joxer that she needed to be protected. Joxer had even thrown Gabrielle off of Elaine. Xena knew when Gabrielle had punched Elaine in front of him that Joxer had grown angry at Gabrielle for her violence.
Xena had seen just how much self control Elaine had when diving into the lake and knew for certain that she was more than capable of fighting back. To what degree she was truly uncertain, but the way Ares had told Gabrielle he would have loved to see her fight but to STOP...that made her certain that Elaine was beyond competent about fighting.
From day one she had made Joxer feel needed...and wanted.
No. More than wanted.
That fateful morning she had made the mistake of leaving her alone with him flashed in her mind that second.
Xena's chest tightened.
Elaine hadn't JUST made him feel wanted or desired.
Craved.
She had made Joxer feel craved.
And loved. She had made him feel loved. Her mind betraying her and telling her exactly what she did not want to hear.
Xena shook her head trying to stop her thoughts.
"So I'm supposed to act...demure around him?! Make him feel more like a man?" Xena's face scrunched up and stared at Hera with an incredulous look.
Hera glared at Xena. "You have never acted demure in your life! You seem to be incapable of allowing anyone to see you weak - especially any man!"
Xena's face dropped and she looked like the admonishment had done it's job as the look of disgust had been replaced with a furrowed brow as she contemplated Hera's words.
Hera let out a huge breath and shook her head looking at the forest and knowing her daughter to be as pig headed as her siblings.
Letting out a sigh and closing her eyes for a moment Hera collected herself and turned her head to look at Xena once more.
"All that boy has ever felt...was weak."
Xena felt shock fill her system at the words rang beyond true to her.
"And he sought his strength in you." Hera watched Xena's mouth drop open in slight shock at the almost compliment.
Hera shook her head, "But you never sought him for anything. Not even comfort. Even when Gabrielle was taken from you."
Xena stared into the light blue eyes of the goddess before her in shock as she heard the emotions in her voice and didn't know how to interpret the fact that the goddess was almost crying.
"Instead you allowed him to drown himself. Blaming him for not being able to face his loss. You belittled him in the worst way a woman could in the worst moment possible." Hera said as her eyes showed moisture in them.
Xena felt like the ground should open up and swallow her in that moment. By all the Gods she had never thought of it like that. All of her focus had been on getting Gabrielle back. She had never...
"The only comfort he received was your promise that things would be alright. After weeks of drowning in his misery...it was all you gave him." Hera tilted her head and moved her head in a show of disbelief herself.
Xena swallowed down the lump in her throat, horrified that Hera knew this much about them. "He needed me to be strong for..."
"He needed to know you were in pain as much as he was." Hera interrupted Xena.
There was silence among them for a few seconds as Hera stared into her eyes.
"For Gabrielle you would move the heavens and the earth...but for Joxer...you wouldn't comfort him but for a moment."
"I can't..."
"You can!" Hera interrupted again at Xena's clogged almost confession.
Xena swallowed down another clog in her throat and knew she was crying again. Hera reached up and wiped another tear from Xena's face.
"Learn from me Xena. Do not make the same mistakes that I have made. You still have time to change course."
"Why do you care?" Xena's voice soft and emotion filled was no more than a whisper.
Hera gave a small smile. "Should I not?"
"Is it because of Aphrodite? Because...because whatever is happening is hurting her or..." Xena's voice was so low, afraid to raise her voice at the question.
"It is a huge factor... yes." Hera nodded her head. Aphrodite's powers had indeed diminished, which made her now worried for both of her daughters.
Xena looked as if she wanted to accept Hera's answer but just quite couldn't.
Hera could tell by the look in her eyes.
It was the same look her father would look at her with all those years ago.
"I swore to protect him. And if you are not careful...you will hurt him more than you ever have before. And then there will be no way to stop Elaine from taking him. Because despite what you may or may not think of me, I can not hurt her...or you. I swore to protect you both. And that is what i shall do."
Xena stared at Hera taken aback at what she had said.
"You said you'd protect Eve..." Xena said slowly when Hera immediately interrupted.
"I said I would help bring her into this world. And without your well-being...that would be impossible."
Then they both stared into each others eyes, Xena knowing that Hera was not telling her the whole truth and not knowing what possible reason she had to protect her.
Hera heard her daughters thoughts and knew there was nothing more she could say to convince her of her motives.
Instead...she pushed on with the problem at hand.
"I was watching Ares and Joxer together without them knowing. Though Ares is trying to teach Joxer, he is losing patience trying to do so. Tutelage has never been his strength. Which made me realize that though he could not teach Joxer..." Hera left the rest unsaid...hoping Xena understood.
Xena titled her head with a furrowed brow. "You want to teach me... how to seduce..."
"No." Hera winced as she shook her head, immediately letting out a huge sigh, "Really after everything I have been saying to you, you believe I would help you seduce the boy?"
"He's NOT a boy!" Xena said hotly and then blushed as she realized that her mind had thought of Joxer that way for a long time, and only recently had to voice how he very much was a man who could make his own decisions. It was just the first time that she was admitting it to herself.
Hera smirked. "Do you really think you could seduce him Xena? After all...your thoughts and memories of him tell me otherwise. Could you throw yourself at him with abandon the way Elaine has?"
Xena shifted from foot to foot as she tried to argue in her mind that though Ares and Hera now said she couldn't seduce Joxer, her sexual confidence of past conquests screamed that she could indeed do it.
"Yes! Yes...if...IF I needed to I could do it!" Xena said in defiance with a stubborn look that caused Hera to let out a little laugh, looking down shaking her head in amusement.
"Xena... though I know the confidence you should have about your sexuality...that is not what I meant about throwing yourself at him." Slowly Hera reached up and held Xena's chin firmly in her fingertips so she was forced to look into her eyes.
"The word that you are terrified of associating with him now. The one that comes so easily when thinking of Gabrielle. What you admitted to not a few weeks ago when speaking to Gabrielle. Could you use and feel that word...with the total abandon that Elaine has done?"
And Xena for the first time felt her confidence completely disappear as she understood what word Hera meant.
Hera saw the fear enter her daughter's eyes and knew that she needed to help her in this...before it was truly too late.
"I will teach you to be a mother. To seek him as the father to your son."
Hera let her other hand land on Xena's stomach.
"And the father to your daughter."
Xena said nothing as she stared into Hera's eyes as what she had been saying was finally making sense.
"Elaine has encouraged the relationship between Solan and Joxer and we will take advantage of it. You will show him that you do look to him as a man whom you want your son to take after. And a man whom you are wholeheartedly thankful will help raise the child in your womb."
Xena suddenly felt a hope blossom in her chest that had been slowly sizzling out in the last month.
Hope.
Hope that maybe...just maybe she could keep Joxer with them.
How utterly ironic.
Hera smirked and then handed Togo back to Xena who promptly licked her face.
"He thinks you smell like pheasant." Her said with a smirk.
Xena grinned pulling the puppy away from her and then it fell as she remembered Elaine's request to feed the dogs.
"We'll talk tonight." Hera said with a nod, and then vanished from Xena's sight.
For whatever reason, Xena felt more secure knowing that Hera was on her side.
And something else.
She felt something she couldn't name when she was around Hera.
Xena shook her head and placed Togo against her chest.
"Let's get you fed."
Togo let out a little yelp of approval.
Xena chuckled as she turned back around and walked back to the village.
Earlier that Day...
Joxer tried to raise his sword to block Ares but with the fear coursing through him stepped quickly back and found himself barely being missed as he landed once more on his rear end.
Ares wanted to rip his head off!
"STOP FALLING!"
"I'msorry! I'm trying I swear!" Joxer immediately said as Ares stared down at him with such anger that he was sure that if Elaine hadn't of existed...he would be dead in that moment.
Ares clenched his jaw and squeezed the handle of his sword and reigned in his anger.
Joxer seeing this hurriedly picked himself off the ground, barely being able to hold onto 'his' sword. The one Ares had handed him and without prompting had quickly attacked him.
For the tenth time he found himself dusting himself off and quickly scrambling off the ground.
"How can you be this uncoordinated?! Jett has no problems..."
"HEY!" Joxer immediately got angry at the mention of his brother and it took Ares raising his brow for Joxer to immediately drop his anger for fear that he would be killed.
He was still Ares after all.
Ares shook his head and went to sit down in a chair that appeared out of thin air, as he did his sword disappeared and he crossed his arms as he looked with a furrowed brow at Joxer.
"Why did she pick you?" Ares asked openly, trying to figure how a man like Joxer could have a woman like Elaine head over heels in love with him.
Joxer just looked miserably at Ares, knowing full well that he himself knew she was too good for him.
"Don't know...just...she...knows stuff...about me and..." Joxer tried to get out his thoughts but found himself not knowing the answer to Ares simple question either.
"She definitely understands you more than Xena and Gabrielle. That much I've witnessed myself." Ares said and huffed out a breathe as he continued to stare at Joxer.
The words hurt Joxer more than any sword or blade ever had.
Elaine did know him better than the women he had made his family.
Both men said nothing for a few minutes, thinking and evaluating the woman that had suddenly become important in both their lives.
Ares looked up from the ground where his eyes had been looking as he contemplated what his mother and Elaine had said about Joxer.
Ares looked at Joxer, maybe for the first time he was actually paying attention, but noticed that he had bulked up. Quite a bit from what little attention he had given the so called friend of Xena.
Ares smirked as he suddenly realized why Joxer couldn't handle sword fighting.
Elaine's obvious guidance was transforming his physique, he hadn't yet seen the effects as everyone around him had.
He doubted he even looked in the reflection of water to look at himself.
"I don't know why she loves me but..." Joxer suddenly was talking and Ares quickly stared into his eyes that suddenly held a strength in them he had only seen once before.
"But I want to be worthy of it. I...I want to be the person she sees me as...cause...cause If I could be that..." Joxer hesitated as he let looked up and decided to let Ares know his real fear, "I don't want to disappoint her. She deserves my best."
Ares stared with a little bit of pride filling him for Joxer's words. He knew he was unworthy of Elaine's affections and was willing to do anything to keep from hurting her. And honestly he never thought the imbecile he had thought Joxer to be had any kind of self awareness whatsoever.
He had been wrong.
Ares furrowed his brow as he stared at Joxer who squirmed under the scrutiny.
"When's the last time you looked at yourself?" Ares asked as he stood and moved towards Joxer.
Joxer backed up thinking that Ares was implying that he wasn't good looking enough for Elaine when Ares pointed at his clothes.
"Did you even see yourself in the new clothes Elaine and Aphrodite put you in?" Ares raised one eyebrow at Joxer who stopped moving and stared with his own brows furrowed at Ares.
"Why? They're...just clothes." Joxer said as he gave a slight shrug of his shoulders.
Ares rolled his eyes. Stretching out his arms Ares took a step back, "Do you think I wear this for comfort?"
Joxer's head jerked back as he looked at Ares.
"OF COURSE NOT!" Ares yelled. Gesturing down with both of his hands he explained.
"This is to intimidate and to accentuate my body! To show men I'm a warrior and to show women I'm very much a man!" Ares then pointed at Joxer.
"Elaine put you in those clothes for a reason. She likes the way you look in them! And you don't even know how you look!"
Joxer blinked a few seconds, completely confused by what Ares was saying.
Ares rolled his eyes and dropped his head arm and head back in exasperation. He snapped his fingers with his other hand and had a mirror appear.
Tilting his head back up he pointed to said mirror with the same hand.
"Look at yourself Joxer!"
Joxer stared at Ares with this weird look that screamed he didn't trust him all of a sudden but none the less walked towards the mirror and looked and then did a double take as he looked at himself.
He blinked and stared. Then he blinked a few more times and shook his head and reopened his eyes.
"Trick mirror." He immediately said which made Ares chuckle.
"Wish it was. But Elaine has actually managed to help you build muscle...and actually make you look less like a baccai and more like a man that has seen the sun in his life. It seems as though you're actually capable of hurting someone...instead of just yourself." Ares smirked as he said the last four words, but noticed that Joxer was touching his shoulders and upper arm that now swell slightly with bulk.
Ares knew he was shocked since he said nothing back to his retort and instead continued to stare at himself.
He looked...different. Nothing like he ever imagined himself to look. But it was most definitely still him.
He had never taken the time to actually look at himself when Elaine and Aphrodite had placed him in his new clothes. Even in his 'work clothes' - as Elaine had described them. He...looked...
Joxer turned an looked at Ares.
"Do I look like a warrior now?"
Ares was shocked to hear the voice sound so much like a child's that he himself did a double take looking at Joxer.
"Yep. Problem is you aren't one. Tartarus! You don't even act like one. So before I show you how to be a warrior...maybe I should train you as one first..." Ares said the words as he contemplated the actual thought.
"Soooo...how's that...different?" Joxer asked with his brows bunched together in confusion.
Ares smiled an evil little smile. "You know those...chores... Elaine's been having you do?"
Joxer gave a one nod answer.
Ares smiled a little wider and just stared at Joxer.
That's when Joxer understood what Ares meant.
"Oh no."
Ares laughed and then quickly schooled his laughter. For some reason the idiot made him laugh more than normal.
"Look! The only reason I'm offering is..."
"Because of Elaine." Joxer completed and then looked back at the mirror, as if seeing his body verified that Elaine was indeed the cause for all of these changes.
"K...well...how do I know you're...you know...not going to make me do stuff to hurt myself? Or just...tell me the wrong stuff to do and this..." Joxer flipped his hand up towards the mirror, "goes away?"
Ares tilted his head to the side and back. Idiot actually had a valid point. But there was no way in Tartarus that he was going to admit that he'd never do it because it would hurt Elaine.
Better to give him an assurance another way.
"Fair enough. Here..." Ares suddenly produced a ring with freckles of blue, white, green and a dots of red tone to it.
"How about you can ask me a question before every training? No matter the question...I'll answer it honestly. That way...you have some insurance if I..." Ares smiled, "get tempted to lie."
"O...K...but..." Joxer took the ring from the hand Ares was offering it reluctantly.
"If the ring turns blue...you'll know I'm speaking the truth. If it turns black...it means I'm saying something to harm." Ares explained as he pointed at the ring.
"Do I have to wear it?" Joxer asked as he slid the ring onto his right ring finger.
"It has to be worn to know who's question is being answered." Ares lifted a shoulder up and down as if he had not created the ring himself and was just passing on the information he knew.
"So like...any question?" Joxer murmured as he looked down at the ring.
"Any questions...even questions that you would never ask anyone. Those tend to color the ring faster for some reason." Ares smirked evilly as he said the words which weirded Joxer out.
Then Joxer's lips pursed to one side the way they did when he was considering something.
Ares thanked Elaine in his mind that she had requested Athena block Joxer's thoughts because of the amount of thoughts that travelled through his mind as she taught him had seriously caused the goddess to stare in marvel that the man could actually speak after so many thoughts had crossed his mind in so little time.
If not in this moment Ares was sure in this moment he would become more irritated than the all knowing sister he had.
"What if it's...like...a really...ummm," Joxer turned and looked around as a slight blush covered his face, "a ahh...really weird question?"
Ares looked disturbed at the sudden turn in Joxer's shyness. "What kind of questions?"
Joxer turned completely to face Ares and began to fidget the way he did when completely uncomfortable.
"Like um...see...I would try and sneak up on Xena like...to practice stealth kills!" Joxer immediately felt Ares relax slightly at the last four words, thinking Joxer was going to ask a question about killing.
Of course...he obviously did not know Joxer. Because that was not the subject of his question at all.
"But I just never could! She's that good! But I...I thought I might have been able to do it to Herc...um...your brother and um...then I thought...wait! If I snuck up on him and he was like...going to the little boys bush..." Joxer motioned with his hands and tried not to say peeing as he didn't think Ares would stop from punching him with the way he's face showed how uncomfortable Joxer's line of question was going...when Joxer asked a question that Ares never saw Joxer asking.
"And I did manage to sneak up on him and say 'hey you'..." Joxer paused as his hand gestures seized as the question he had wanted to ask finally fell from his lips.
"Could he rip his own balls off if I scared him?"
The instant suppression of laughter that sprang out of Ares was quickly followed by the crumbling of his frame on the ground as he experienced the greatest laugh of his entire existence.
Joxer just slowly smirked and said, "He can, can't he?"
Ares rolled on the floor trying to stop laughing at the image that Joxer had planted in his brain made him laugh longer and harder.
Joxer tried to stop himself from laughing. Honestly hearing Ares laugh made him want to laugh MORE.
Finally, holding onto his sides and still letting out a laugh every time he looked up at Joxer's smirking face.
Ares pointed at Joxer's face. "You...have the most disturbing thoughts that I had thought of." Ares laughed half way through his words.
"I know...but could he?" Joxer insisted on the question with a tilted head and a huge open mouth smile pointing at his ring.
Ares let out another belly laugh and just nodded his head.
Joxer barely saw the stone in the ring flush a florescent blue before he doubled over as he attempted to suppress his own laugh at the confirmation of his question.
The two men continued to laugh for over an hour, both triggering the other as both would say a word or make a motion with their hands.
All in all...it was the start of a beautiful friendship.
Xena saw Gabrielle before Gabrielle saw her.
The second Xena did, the heaviness in her heart from earlier returned.
Walking over to where Gabrielle sat as she caressed Misha's head which lay in her lap as tears slowly fell from her face, Xena knew she could offer no words of denial that she hadn't known what had really happened to Joxer all those times she had tended to his...wounds.
"How in Hades am I supposed to compete with Aphrodite?" Gabrielle whispered her question and a small whine came out of Misha as he stared up in sympathy at Gabrielle.
Xena couldn't look at Gabrielle as Elaine's words still came back to haunt her. "I don't know."
The reply was whispered back but it caused Gabrielle's heart to hurt in a way it hadn't in years.
"She's been with him...so many times...and I...I can't stand..." Gabrielle choked on her words as tears clogged her throat.
Xena said nothing as Gabrielle continued to talk.
Gabrielle took a second to try and swallow down the frog in her throat. Then those piercing eyes of hers looked away from Misha and up at the lake.
"I keep thinking how he made love to her. I keep seeing...in my head what..."
"Stop." Xena said as her anger suddenly rose up at Gabrielle's words, which also caused Togo to jerk his little head up from her chest and stare at Xena with curiosity.
Gabrielle shook her head. "I never once...considered...that she would ever..."
Xena whipped her head to look at Gabrielle and interrupted her thoughts with very few words. "Gabrielle she's...she's Aphrodite! And from the limited knowledge that you...or Hades...even I have of Joxer's body, we both should have known it was more than a possibility!"
Gabrielle blushed for a second and looked away from Xena then with an embarrassed look. "I...I didn't look at...him...like that at the time Xena. It didn't even..."
"Cross your mind. I know. Same." Xena said as she stared out across the water and then walked the few feet over to where Gabrielle sat and carefully sat down on the rock as to not disturb Misha.
To Xena's shock the instant she did Greywolf was immediately there placing his own head into Xena's lap looking up at her with sympathetic eyes.
Both women smirked and gave each other a glance of recognizing the ridiculousness of how instantly they had become pet people.
Xena didn't hesitate as she scratched behind Greywolf's ear as the same time as Togo's. Both immensely enjoying the sensation as their tails wagged to and fro.
As good of a distraction as it was, Xena's face fell as she remembered what Elaine had said. Tormented by the idea of Joxer doing such a thing. Of touching Meg and not thinking that...
Xena shook her head.
No.
No not thinking it wouldn't make the hurt less.
She had made it more than clear that it wasn't even a possibility for him to entertain.
Xena swallowed as she imagined Meg taking full advantage of what she had failed to realize. How Meg had done the same as Aphrodite...at least a little more honestly...but...not really.
"I miss him." Gabrielle whispered with tears forming in her eyes once more, and Misha moaned pitifully as he felt Gabrielle's sadness through her hands.
Xena said nothing as she herself couldn't talk as her own throat had closed up with emotion.
She missed him too. Never would she have thought that could ever happen. Especially with him. It was as though the distance emotionally was a hundred times worse than physically.
"Me too."
Gabrielle scoffed. "At least he talks to you Xena."
Xena shook her head and placed Togo on the ground as she felt restless and needed to move more. "Barely Gabrielle. He barely talks at all. It's like he's...he's..."
"He's afraid to talk to us." Gabrielle said and winced at the implication.
"Worse..." Xena said softly.
Gabrielle turned her tear filled eyes to look at Xena with a confused look.
Xena let out a sigh and turned to look at Gabrielle.
"He doesn't want to talk to us."
Gabrielle immediately winced and then looked back over the water. She swallowed down the huge lump in her throat and whispered heartbreaking words.
" He's not in love with me anymore."
"Hey!" Xena immediately moved back over to Gabrielle who's tears began to fall once more.
"Xena he doesn't...he doesn't..." Gabrielle couldn't even fight Xena as Xena turned her face to look at her.
"Gabrielle..." Xena's blue eyes trying to lock on to Gabrielle's to try and put hope back in Gabrielle's being when her eyes did lock with hers...and Xena felt like someone had stopped her heart at the look in Gabrielle's eyes.
Watering with tears she stared at Xena with a look that was certain, and full of pain.
"He's in love with her. I can...see it." Gabrielle sniffled loudly trying to control her crying and not able to at all as she felt her heart tightening.
"I can see it Xena. I can see it when he looks at her and I...I know that's how he use to..." Gabrielle wanted to say that it was the way he use to look at her. But it wasn't. It really wasn't.
Joxer's eyes always showed great emotion. They always seemed to glow when she was looking into them. Even when she thought he was about to say something stupid...his eyes...they glowed.
And now the only time she saw them glow...was when Elaine was talking with him. She always left Xena to stay and watch as her insides screamed for her to do something.
But she couldn't.
Every time she did...she pushed him further away. She couldn't stand even one more inch of distance.
She just couldn't.
"NO! Not like he loves you! Nothing like it Gabriele! When...when he looked at you...he...he came alive. He...he needed to be near you. Needed you talking with him. Needed you to just exist by him. He doesn't act like that with her. He hasn't done that with her!" Xena's eyes shined with such truth and conviction that Gabrielle's two word response made her eyes go dull.
"Not yet." Gabrielle's eyes watered enough that a tear fell from one eye.
Xena pushed down the instant despair and gripped Gabrielle by her shoulders.
"Gabrielle If we don't try...if we just let her take him..." "He's ours. He's...he's part of us."
Xena nodded her head at Gabrielle's interruption. "We're going to show him that."
Gabrielle looked confused for a second and then promptly blushed.
Xena rolled her eyes. "We can barely get him to talk to us Gabrielle. I doubt we could get the opportunity to do what you're thinking. I meant we're going to show him he IS a part of us by doing what we never did. We're going to confide in him like we do with each other. He needs to feel that we're willing to be vulnerable around him. Me especially. I..." Xena stopped talking as she tried to admit what Hera had accused her rightly of.
"I need to show him that I trust him with my heart as much as I do with you. That I...I feel...I feel more when he's with us. That Elaine is wrong!"
Gabrielle's blurry eyes suddenly cleared as she looked into Xena's eyes as the words penetrated her mind. Gabrielle's mouth dropped and then quickly closed as Xena's instantly hardened as she understood that Gabrielle had understood what she meant...without actually saying the words.
"Xena..."
Xena pulled away instantly knowing Gabrielle had understood what she couldn't even admit to herself.
"I don't want him to see Meg anymore." Xena said as she turned out and with a slight snarl on her upper lip that still somehow looked like she was in pain stared out at the water.
"Elaine she...she said," Xena swallowed down the bile that had suddenly risen in her throat, "What you feel Gabrielle...I should have felt every time he left us...and went to her. And...and I let him..." Xena said as she brushed Greywolf's fur as he instantly placed his head in her lap as she had turned.
"I didn't think that..." Xena's head shook making her words warbled as her throat clogged thinking about Joxer touching Meg like he did her in the dreams that plagued her.
"Xena..." Gabrielle's tears were gone as she realized that Xena was confiding something huge to her.
Xena turned and stared at Gabrielle, knowing Gabrielle couldn't lie to her about this.
"Do you think he made love to her...thinking...thinking about..." Xena searched Gabrielle's eyes and saw her pain reflected in Gabrielle's eyes as Gabrielle suddenly realized EXACTLY what Elaine had said to Xena once she had left.
Gabrielle stared shocked into Xena's eyes. It...it had never crossed her mind. Xena and Meg were soo different that...
The pang to her own heart at the idea of Joxer using Meg as a substitute felt like being hit by Xena's chackrum.
"Xena you can't think..." Gabrielle tried to ease the pain she knew Xena was feeling, but Xena just shook her head.
"I know Gabrielle...I...he's always...happy...when he comes back to us. He...barely even looks at me like he does you...he just..."
"Xena...you're a warrior! He wants to be just like you! He respects you and your ability to fight and..."
"He doesn't see me like a woman anymore Gabrielle!" Xena almost yelled it into Gabrielle's face as she whirled to stare at the blonde.
"He...Tartarus Gabrielle he was embarrassed just thinking of me trying to help him go to the bushes! Most men have JUMPED at the opportunity to be naked around me!"
"That's different Xena! He feels like he can't be..." Gabrielle suddenly stopped talking and Xena's eyes immediately found hers as she knew she had said to much already.
"He feels like he can't...what?" Xena instantly seemed to become angry that Gabrielle had obviously kept something from her.
Gabrielle let out an exasperated sigh, "Xena he stopped trying to be a companion to you a long time ago. He...he tries to impress you with his warrior skills because that's all you see Xena. You...you're a legend Xena. He knows that and stopped trying to get you to see him like..."
"Damn it Gabrielle we both know he does that to justify being around us..."
"Around YOU Xena!" Gabrielle yelling at her made Xena stare shocked at Gabrielle.
"Around you! Joxer's always tried to make himself a warrior...to justify being by YOU! He...he couldn't understand why you let me go down the path of peace...because he thought that YOU wouldn't stand for it. He THOUGHT that because of you Xena. He thinks he has to be strong for you to see him."
Xena just stared at Gabrielle with this look Gabrielle had never seen before.
"Hera was right..." Xena whispered and then let one tear drop from her eyes.
Gabrielle didn't know what to say when a voice called out their names.
Amarice.
Xena wiped the tears from her eyes and quickly shifted as Amarice came into the clearing.
"Where have you two been?! Joxer's been back without Elaine around and you two would have had him alone for the first time in over a month! He started making food for the dogs...which...why are there dogs now?" Amarice asked as she looked at the three dogs that were currently around Xena and Gabrielle.
Xena wanted to hit her head. The one thing Elaine asked her to do and she hadn't done it. Joxer though had thought about the well being of the dogs...
"Where's Elaine?" Gabrielle asked Amarice as she didn't want to face the reality that both her and Xena were coming to.
"Apparently Hera took her someplace to ask for a favor...which...kind of scares me. I mean...she had Hera! Who does she need a favor from that has more power than the Queen of the Gods?" Amarice asked with a look of confusion on her face.
Xena looked at Amarice a second before her mind told her exactly who Elaine had gone to see. A pang of jealousy hit her and Xena physically shook her head at the absolute oddness of feeling jealousy over...him.
He was a complete stranger to her. It was unnerving fighting by his side and being so in sync that they were able to break the rhinegold curse...but...
Vili's presence had been oddly...calming to her.
Yet the idea of Elaine going to him for a favor after having openly claimed to being attracted to him made her question why Hera would ever take Elaine back to see Vili.
Xena shook her head, then looked over at Gabrielle. "Let's get the dogs fed, and try to eat dinner with Joxer before Elaine gets back."
Gabrielle stared into Xena's eyes and sucked in a fortifying breath before expelling it quickly.
It was time she did what she knew she should have weeks ago.
Maybe...he would look at her.
A dull ache filled her chest.
If he still loved her in any way...there was a chance he could forgive her.
As she stood up she realized just how badly she wanted to hear him say those words again. To...to hear those words now.
If she could go back in time and warn herself to just...give him a chance...she would have.
Walking back towards the village with Xena her heart clenched as she knew now that she had to do whatever she could just to keep Joxer as a...a friend. Lying to his face that she would just want that from him was going to be more difficult than asking for his forgiveness.
Yet she knew nothing would be harder than watching him touch Elaine...the way she knew he would have touched her.
Nightmares of just that haunted her.
Feeling the distance growing between them was something she couldn't bare anymore.
Just look at me Joxer...please don't let me see hate in your eyes.
She didn't realize she was begging him in her mind.
All she knew in the moments walking towards the village, was that she couldn't lose him because she couldn't find the right words.
Funny how only three words could have stopped all of this from happening.
Would she ever hear him say them to her again?
Could she live with it if he never did?
The pain in her chest gave her the answer.
She missed him. One way or another...she wanted him in her life. Even if her heart would break watching him be with someone else.
The pain she felt with the thought made it abundantly clear for Gabrielle.
She would take him any way he was willing.
It wasn't about winning him back anymore.
It was about not losing him.
Losing him wasn't an option.
Fighting with him just pushed him away further.
And for her...the distance was unbearable.
Author's note: I'm already working on the next chapter...If you leave a review...I know you still want more...and it does encourage me! Let me know what you think!
