Troy's note didn't even say where by the water he was, but Dietrich had a feeling he was at the same place they had been swimming the night before. Sure enough, Troy was sitting under the tree they had used to hang up their clothes, looking… shockingly serene. Dietrich wasn't sure if that was something he needed to be concerned about or not. He headed over, the box of donuts tucked under his arm, and took a seat next to Troy. "Good morning," Dietrich said.
"'Morning," Troy replied. "I see you got my gift."
"Indeed. You… did not have to do that, you know."
Troy shrugged. "Like the note said, I thought you'd need some cheering up after your… nightmare."
"I really do not need things like that, but I… I appreciate the sentiment." Dietrich opened the box, and took a bite out of one of the donuts. "Chocolate crème. Classic, and quite good. Thank you."
"Yep. No problem."
"Did you have breakfast of your own?"
"No. I was waiting for you."
Dietrich sighed. "Again, you—"
"I know, I know. Didn't have to, but I wanted to."
"Oh, alright." Dietrich put the remainder of the first donut in his mouth. "Before we head home, I want a box of these for the trip."
"We can do that."
"That would be wonderful."
"They had all sorts of donuts—except that honey-vanilla stuff, unfortunately. Glazed, powdered sugar, jelly."
"To be honest, I find powdered sugar donuts to be a bit too messy for my taste."
Troy gave him a confused look. "But… you like cinnamon rolls, and those are notoriously messy."
"Different kind of messy."
"Powdered sugar is easier to clean up."
"That may be true, but a good glaze or icing tastes so much better."
"To each their own. Powdered sugar is good. As long as there isn't too much of it."
"Exactly. I do like powdered sugar, but not nearly as much as glaze or icing."
Troy smirked. "Regardless of what you like on your donuts, I think we're in agreement that coffee goes best with them."
"Unless you are Moffitt. I have seen him eat donuts with tea."
"You know what else he eats donuts with?"
"What?"
"A fork."
Dietrich frowned. "Who… eats donuts with a fork?"
"Apparently, our good friend Moffitt."
"A damn fork."
"Yep."
Dietrich gave a heavy sigh. "A fork. I have never, ever seen or heard of anyone eating donuts with a fork. That is absurdity of the highest level. Donuts were meant to be eaten with your bare hands."
"Yeah. I know getting you to eat was a challenge, but at least once we figured out how, it was no problem. You were eating on your own just fine. Back during the war, it was a big shock to me and Hitch and Tully that Moffitt had this really bad habit from when he was in Cambridge where he just skipped random meals. Mostly lunch. He'd just have a cup of tea and keep on going."
"He still does that sometimes."
"If he gets interested in something, he'll stay on it until he's satisfied, often at the expense of his own needs. I lost count of how many rocks I had to pull him away from. 'Oh, this is a Roman brick! I must study it!' he'd say, and I'd have to physically drag him away from it."
"Was it actually a Roman brick?"
"It kinda looked like a brick, but it could've been just another rock. I don't know. It all looked like rocks to me. Hitch and I got bored of it pretty quickly. Tully would sit there and listen to him talk all day. Sometimes he'd ask questions, but more often than not, he'd be listening. I think that's all Moffitt wanted sometimes. Someone listening."
"I know that is one reason he and Vanora work so well together. They listen to each other, and actually pay attention to what the other is saying." Dietrich looked out at the water, his heart suddenly feeling heavy. "That is definitely something I want."
"You'll find it one day." Troy glanced at him. "Have you tried dating at all?"
"No. Not sure… Not sure if I am even ready, or if… I am just scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Scared that I will find someone I genuinely like, only to have them run away when they learn about my depression and the fact that I tried to…" Dietrich trailed off, glancing down at his wrists. "I know I have a stable career, but I can understand someone being afraid that I will be unable to provide for them because of what I have. The truth is that sometimes it does come back. I have days where I am tired, where I cannot get out of bed, where I have no appetite, no motivation to do anything or even take care of myself. Sometimes, I have days where all I want to do is sit and cry, for no discernable reason. I have days where I want to be completely alone, and days where I want someone around." He looked back out at the sea. "I never know what to say when I am asked about why I am still single."
"Who's asked?"
"Apart from you, who I am completely comfortable discussing my situation with, a few other officers at the base I am currently stationed at have asked. When I overheard a conversation between them about another officer who was suffering from combat fatigue he acquired during the war, they were not exactly sympathetic. I heard them mention that he needed to get his head together, get over it, and move on." Dietrich clenched his left fist. "It is hard for me to describe how angry I felt. I wanted to confront them, but they were all higher ranks than me, and there was nothing I wanted to say that was pleasant. Responding in such a way would not have made me the better person."
Troy looked distant. "I'd been dealing with the… memories of what happened in Beckmann's camp since before I got my own unit. I kept telling myself to get over it, that wallowing in it is just going to get my men killed, because I need to be there for them. I needed to be in charge and show that I was in charge. I did. You know I did a damn good job of it. Keeping a lid on everything, though… You can sit on the lid of a boiling pot all you want. Water will still leak out. I just had to keep sitting on that lid and trying to mop up whatever leaked out." He fell silent, and drew in a breath. "I can say for certain, there's no just 'getting over' what happened. It just doesn't work like that. Maybe some people can. I'd like to meet them. I'm not one of them."
"I had a feeling when I first encountered you that you were haunted by something, but it was a mystery as to what."
"Back then, I didn't want you—or anyone—knowing what was going on in my head. I didn't see it as important, no matter how many times Moffitt or Anah or anyone told me that bottling everything up is just going to do more harm than good. I fought that until long after the war was over."
"And then everything came spilling out."
"Thanks to Shauna. I knew I wasn't going to be able to have a successful relationship if I didn't talk to her. It's funny, really… we wouldn't be here right now if I didn't finally tell her the truth about how I felt and who I really was."
"Well, I doubt you would be happier. Moffitt, Hitch, and Tully have all told me that you had moments where you seemed very lonely."
"I noticed the same with you. You still seem kinda lonely sometimes, but I understand why you don't go out and meet people. Believe me, I was terrified that Shauna would run off once she found out about all my problems. Nope, she stuck around, and the fact that she wasn't scared and that she was so determined to help me was what made something deep inside me say, 'She's the one. Don't ever let go of her.' I can't… I can't lose something that good. Even if it's not possible for us to have kids, I'll never leave Shauna because of it."
"You love her too much."
"Yeah." Troy looked at Dietrich, grinning. "I'm sure there's someone out there for you. You just gotta find her. Who knows? Maybe it'll just happen one day. Maybe you do need to go out to a beer garden—"
"Going out to a drinking establishment to find women is not exactly my… style, Troy."
"Well, what is your style, then?"
"I have no idea." Dietrich sighed. "Back to your original question about who has asked about my marital state. I decided on the day that I overheard some of my colleagues talking about the officer and his combat fatigue that I would never discuss my depression with any of them. When I was asked at a formal gathering last autumn, I… lied. I said that I had someone I was planning to marry after the war, but she was killed in an Allied bombing raid. Of course, their advice was less than helpful. 'Move on,' I was told. 'Find someone else. It is in the past now.' I looked at them like they were insane and went back to sitting by myself in the back of the room."
"I'd look at them like they were nuts, too. Can't blame you for that. And you have to serve with these people?"
"Shockingly, some of them are decent commanders. My direct superior, Colonel Preisner, is much better when it comes to life advice, but even with him, I have kept my personal life to myself."
"At least you have us."
"Yes, somehow, I do. Because no one else understands me as well as you do." Dietrich looked at Troy when he saw his friend reaching for his head. "No. I told you, if you wish to show affection, stop messing with my hair." As if he is going to listen. Dietrich sighed heavily as he was treated to another rough tousle. "If we are done with this conversation, I would like a cup of coffee."
"I'm ready for coffee, too." Troy stood, still looking out over their little slice of the Pacific in front of them. "We should do something today. I did see signs for hiking trails not too far from here."
"A long hike would be nice."
"Then that's what we'll do. Have some coffee, then go for a walk."
As pretty as the Pacific Northwest was, Dietrich didn't rank it among the places he wouldn't mind living. It was the middle of June and a little too cold for his liking. He followed Troy as the two headed deep into the woods surrounding the town. The forest was comprised of impressively tall conifers. Troy jokingly said, "I think we found Moffitt's people."
Dietrich resisted the urge to poke fun at Troy's smaller stature, but it came out anyway when he found a very young tree of a species he couldn't determine standing a mere three feet high off the ground. "And I suppose this is you?"
Troy glared at him, and kept walking.
"At least, despite your diminutive height, you were quite intimidating in battle."
"Dietrich, I'm not that short."
"Maybe not, but seeing you stand next to Moffitt sometimes is funny."
"I'm glad you think so. I just wish there were less things at my expense that make you laugh." Troy's glare faded when he looked back at Dietrich again. "Is there anything that makes you laugh that isn't related to me?"
"Moffitt going on tirades about tea will never not be funny. He claims tea is relaxing, but it also has a tendency to get him very worked up. Him ranting about dogs, too."
"Yeah, if you get him started about the dog that tried tagging along with us when we took one of your tanks, he won't stop."
"I am still surprised you pulled such a ridiculous stunt off."
"So am I, but I'm glad it worked."
"Of course you are. I had a difficult time explaining to my superiors about that one, but by this point, they were so used to hearing about you that they just nodded and accepted it without offering me much critique. I am pretty sure they thought I was insane with how many different tales I had of you. If some of them had not had their own encounters with you, they probably would have assumed you were some bogeyman I invented to excuse my failures."
Troy gave him a sympathetic look. "You weren't a failure, Dietrich. Moffitt remembers you were a pain to British commanders before we came along."
"That was probably the only thing saving my sorry hide. The fact that I was very successful beforehand."
Troy stopped walking to let Dietrich catch up, then continued, keeping pace with him. "I've told you before, you did provide a challenge. It wasn't always easy going up against you. You did push us into backing off a couple of times."
"If I had managed to do that more than 'a couple' of times, perhaps things would be different."
"Yeah. But they're not. I'm glad we are where we are now."
Dietrich nodded. "For the most part, we are both happy."
"Happy? I guess." Troy sighed. "It's always going to hurt that Shauna and I can't have kids. Who knows? Maybe things will change in a few years."
"I hope they do."
"Thanks. And I hope you find someone to love."
"I think you have a better chance at having a baby than I do finding someone to love."
"Aww, Dietrich, that's not true. You have a lot of qualities that women would kill to have in a man. You're smart, creative, kind, gentle, respectful. You can cook well. Shauna's said that you're really handsome. You'll find someone. You just have to… be a little braver."
"And how, pray tell, do I become braver?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Maybe 'confident' is the word I'm looking for. I know you have confidence in the right situation."
"Yes, but the 'right situation' is, well… situation-dependent." Dietrich frowned, realizing that was redundant and made no sense. "Going out to random places and interacting with strangers is not exactly easy for me."
"Maybe going to a bookstore would be more your speed."
"Admittedly, that might not be a bad idea. You know what else might be a good place?"
"The Christmas market you were telling me about a few days ago?"
Dietrich glared at him. "Stop reading my mind."
"Too late. That'd be a great place, since you love it so much."
"Indeed it would."
"And since I'll be going with you this year, I can give you some tips."
"Romantic tips. From you."
Troy nodded.
He is married. He has a point. He is still Troy, though. "Thank you, but I think I can manage."
"Okay, but if you want—"
"I will manage. Thank you." Dietrich sighed. I will ask Tully or Moffitt for advice instead.
"Alright, but I'm open to listen if you need it."
"And I appreciate that. Right now, I feel this is something I need to figure out on my own." Dietrich looked down as they continued walking, occasionally looking up to take in his surroundings.
"Okay. Like I said, though, I'm here to—"
"I know. I will come to you when I feel I need it. Right now is not the time. We still have you to worry about."
"We don't. Not anymore."
Dietrich gave him a curious look.
"I really do think you're right. I should take a break for a few years. Relax. Appreciate what I already have. If… If we're meant to have kids, we'll have them. If not—" Troy shrugged. "Then I have to accept it."
"So, I do not have to worry about you hiding in the horse barn and not responding to your friends' letters and phone calls?"
"Nope. I'll call all of them when we go home."
Dietrich nodded, believing him. A small part of him worried a little, but he trusted Shauna to look after Troy when they returned to Wyoming. He also trusted Hitch and Tully's families had done their best to help Shauna. There was only one way to find out, though.
Later that night, Dietrich waited until he had some privacy before calling Shauna in North Carolina. He was patient while waiting for someone to pick up, occasionally looking down at his watch or out the window at the setting sun.
The first voice he heard was Hitch's. "Hello?"
"Hello, Hitch," Dietrich said. "How are you?"
"Going well, actually. It's good to hear from you. We've all been wondering how you and Sarge are doing out west all by yourselves."
"We are both well, thankfully. Neither of us have suffered any serious injuries or food poisoning or anything of the sort."
"How's Sarge doing mentally?"
"We have things figured out, and a plan for moving forward. He will talk to you, Tully, and Moffitt when we go back to Wyoming."
"Good. I'm glad he's okay, and that Shauna's okay."
"May I speak with her, please?"
"Yeah. I'll go get her. Hang on." About a minute later, Hitch returned. "Okay. Here she is."
"Thanks, Hitch," Shauna said. "Are you there, Hans?"
"I am," Dietrich said. "I called to let you know that your husband is doing much better, and that we have an idea for how to move on."
"Alright. What is it? Irena gave me an idea as well."
"I suggested taking a break for a couple of years before trying again to have children."
"Funny. That's exactly what Irena suggested."
"Great minds think alike."
"I'll tell her you said that."
"Go ahead. I also wanted to know how you were doing. Troy is ready to get back to normal, but if you are not ready, we can stay here for a few more days."
"If Sam is ready, then I suppose I am. It's been nice, all the doting, but I miss him. I think that's really the only thing keeping me from enjoying this time off. It was fun for about a day, but… I want Sam back."
"I will do my best to not delay in bringing him back to you. When do you plan on flying back to Wyoming?"
"I can head to the airport tomorrow if Sam's ready to go home."
"Are we interrupting anything?"
"No. Tully and his family headed back to Kentucky earlier today. It felt good to see them and the kids. I feel like I need to repay them for giving up their time to spend with me."
"I would not worry about that too much. I can always rely on Tully to come through when I need help."
"Still, Hans, he deserves something for his trouble."
"Make him some of your wonderful cinnamon rolls."
"I'll make something else. I associate those cinnamon rolls with you now." Shauna sighed. "Anyway, I will hopefully be able to board a flight back home tomorrow. It'll take you a few days to get to Wyoming since you drove."
"Indeed. You can take your time, Shauna. No rush."
"Well, you'll probably be hungry after driving all the way. I could have something whipped up for you and Sam."
"Only if you wish. I think you and Troy should just enjoy each other's company when I bring him home. Let me cook for you two."
"Hans, you don't—"
"I insist. Please."
"Oh, alright. Thank you. I owe you, too, for suggesting this."
"No, you do not owe me a thing. You and Troy go back to being your usual, loving selves. That is all I want."
"Alright. I'll see you and Sam in a few days, then?"
"Yes. Good night, Shauna."
"Good night, Hans."
Dietrich waited for Shauna to hang up first before setting the phone back on its receiver. As soon as he set the phone down, the hotel room door opened, and Troy came in, looking rather pleased with himself.
"You're gonna love this," Troy said. "I didn't find honey-vanilla donuts, but I did find an ice cream parlor with a honey-peanut butter flavor on the menu. Soft-serve honey-peanut butter."
"Did you find something you would enjoy as well?"
"Yeah, but I came to get you first."
"I appreciate that." Dietrich glanced at the phone while standing. "Are you ready to go home?"
"I haven't thought about home at all today, surprisingly. Why?"
"I just got off the phone with Shauna—"
"She's okay, right?"
"Yes. She is very happy, and grateful for what everyone has done for her, but she misses you. I told her what we discussed, and she is planning on booking a flight to Wyoming tomorrow."
"We certainly won't be back in Wyoming by tomorrow."
"I know. I told her to take her time, but if you are not ready, I can call and let her know."
Troy thought for a moment. "How bad does she miss me?"
"She said not having you there was the only thing preventing her from truly enjoying her time away from home."
"Then we'll start heading home tomorrow." Troy looked out the window. "This was fun, though."
"Perhaps we should come back another time. I am curious to see what this place looks like come autumn."
"I'll bet it's really pretty. The water will be way too cold, though."
"It is already too cold."
"So, you wouldn't be willing to go swimming again?"
"No. It was nice to indulge in one spur-of-the-moment decision, but common sense and the fact that I did not bring a bathing suit is telling me to never do that again."
"I wouldn't mind going swimming again. I'd need a spotter."
"I do not want you catching a cold out there, because then I have to take care of you."
Troy shrugged. "It could be worse."
"Yes. You could have my old head nurse from the war. You remember her, do you not? Nurse Beckenbauer?"
"Yeah, I remember her. Nice lady."
"She had a bit of a thing for you, as I recall. She would have loved to take care of you if you came down with a cold, so, yes, you could do worse than me taking care of you."
Troy frowned. "Is she still around?"
"Yes. She works at a hospital in a town not far from Hammelburg. Actually, I think she was going to retire within the next couple of years. I informed her that you are now married when I went for my physical shortly after I joined the Bundeswehr."
"Oh? What'd she say to that?"
"She hopes Shauna is taking good care of you. I assured her that Shauna is taking very good care of you."
Troy sighed a little. "Well, neither of us did a good job of taking care of the other when… we realized nothing was working as far as having kids goes. That'll change, though."
"Good." Dietrich sat on the edge of his bed to put his boots on. "Alright. Take me to this ice cream parlor with soft-serve honey-peanut butter."
Leaving the following morning wasn't easy, but once Dietrich and Troy were on the road, heading back to Wyoming the way they came, they were determined to go home as quickly as possible. Fortunately, the trip home went better than the trip out to the Pacific. Conversations were more jovial, less depressing. For Dietrich, it was good to see Troy back to normal—well, as normal as someone like Troy could be. A little voice in Dietrich's head said that he would probably regret this, but he told himself that he wouldn't mind going on another road trip like this with Troy.
They stayed far away from the creepy ghost town when they drove by it. Dietrich glanced at the abandoned buildings once, a cold discomfort twisting his stomach as he thought about the sensation of a spirit in the inn he and Troy looked at purely out of their own curiosity. Whatever was there before was probably still there, and Dietrich had no desire to investigate further. He kept going, hoping he never had to see that place again.
Driving duty was split more evenly this time. Troy was nice enough to find and stop in the town where he found those honey-vanilla crème donuts, buying several boxes so Dietrich had a decent supply for a while. When they drew closer to home, Troy insisted on staying awake to drive through the night. Instead of arguing, Dietrich suggested stopping to grab some coffee so Troy could actually stay awake for that long.
Their friendship would always be weird. Dietrich accepted that. He accepted his friendship with Troy years ago, but he was certain that this road trip solidified that there was no going back. Out of everyone, including Troy's own team, it was the German officer who tried to destroy him on more than one occasion who came through and pulled Troy through a rough patch in his life. Somehow. Dietrich wouldn't deny that the first part of the trip was a bit of a mess, but they made it, and Dietrich told himself that he would do this again if he needed to. Hopefully, that wouldn't happen. He would rather do this again under better circumstances.
The sun was low in the sky when the two arrived in more familiar territory. Troy actually insisted on Dietrich driving when they started seeing signs for Casper because he didn't want his eagerness to result in a speeding ticket. Dietrich was relieved that they were returning to familiar places. It wasn't Germany, but he had stayed at Troy's ranch enough times to almost feel as though it was a second home. He kept that thought to himself, as he wasn't ready for Troy to bring up the idea of Dietrich potentially moving to Wyoming again. They hadn't had that discussion in years, but it wasn't one Dietrich was ready to have yet, especially since he was happy with his career in the recently-formed Bundeswehr.
Troy was already unbuckling his seatbelt when they pulled into the driveway of the ranch, and opening the door when he saw someone sitting on the front porch. He dashed from the truck as soon as Dietrich parked it. Dietrich grinned broadly while watching Troy run up to Shauna and hug her tightly. He grabbed his luggage, and Troy's, as well as their assorted souvenirs, boxes of donuts, and the locked briefcase containing a box of chocolates. The last thing he wanted to do was disturb the moment between husband and wife as he approached the porch, so he stood by, letting them hug and kiss for as long as they needed. He tried not to daydream about eventually finding someone who made him feel as good as Shauna did for Troy.
When the couple pulled apart, Troy glanced at Dietrich, and noticed all the luggage. "Thanks for getting that. Come on in."
Once inside, Troy took his suitcase upstairs, while Shauna hugged Dietrich after he set everything down. "It's so good to see you two home and safe," she said.
"Thank you, Shauna," Dietrich replied.
"No, thank you for putting all this together."
"I suggested this at the last possible minute, on a whim. My goal was to get Troy out of that barn and talking about what was bothering him."
"And it worked, didn't it?"
"Yes, but—"
"Then don't think too hard about it, you silly." Shauna gently shook him. "Was it fun?"
"It was… eventful, in its own way. Troy and I can tell you about it after dinner."
"Are you still insisting on cooking for us tonight?"
"Yes, I am."
"You look tired, though, Hans."
"You and Troy have been apart for nearly two weeks. Spend time with your husband. I will cook."
Dietrich spent the next hour or so in the kitchen preparing dinner, all the while finding it hard to believe that not that long ago, he was stuck in a vehicle, driving through the North American wilderness. He looked out the window at the familiar sights of the ranch, then let his mind wander back to the tall conifers and endless view of the Pacific in Washington. The sights were lovely. The time he spent with Troy was better, the good and the bad.
They talked late into the night with Shauna about the drive, refusing to skimp on any details. She got a good laugh out of the bear trying to break into the truck to get the cinnamon rolls, had a bit of a concerned look on her face when the two talked about Troy having too much to drink in Idaho, but resumed smiling when they talked about swimming in the Pacific under the light of a full moon.
It was close to eleven PM when they all decided it was time to go to bed. Troy froze when three small knocks where heard at the front door. "Who could it be at this hour?" he asked.
Dietrich shrugged. "No idea."
Troy grabbed his sidearm before answering the door. From where Dietrich was standing, it looked like no one was there, until hearing a female voice say, "Down here, dear."
Troy frowned, putting his hands on his hips while looking down at the Egyptian cobra on his doormat. "Anah, if you're here, where's Moffitt?"
"It is just me this time," Anah said, smiling. "I was told you are having some… emotional troubles, and decided to come help."
"Thanks, but I think I have everything under control now." Troy gave her a concerned look. "You came all this way by yourself?"
"I did."
"Does Moffitt know you're here?"
"I left a note. It is by his tea, so he will find it before he gives himself a heart attack looking for me."
Dietrich approached the door, looking down at Anah. "I am afraid you wasted your time coming here," he said.
"Hey, if she wants to stay while you go home, that's fine," Troy replied.
"We have not spent quality time together in a while," Anah said.
"That's true. We haven't. I suppose you can stay."
"Thank you." The cobra grinned up at Dietrich. "I can take it from here, dear. I was told you were stuck in Troy's pickup with him for several days. You must be exhausted."
Dietrich nodded. "I am exhausted, but… I feel accomplished."
Author's Note: Nurse Beckenbauer belongs to Tallsunshine12, from her incredible and funny story "The Dog Tags Raid." I couldn't resist referencing her.
Anah was not originally supposed to appear at all in this story, but Texaslass2000 convinced me to in the comments of her blog.
