Chapter 16: Master Yaddle
In 34BBY, 12 years before the Clone Wars had begun, Doryn was 5 years old. It was a year into her training as a jedi youngling. Having been in the temple since she was 2, she'd somehow had this homesickness that she didn't understand. She didn't understand the feeling then, not being able to place it in her limited knowledge. Even as an adult she didn't really get it, having only memories of the beautiful masonry and open chambers of the Coruscant temple at that point. She somehow felt homesick for a home she never knew. She still did. Despite never having been to Cathar and never being allowed to, she imagined her life there much too often. Imagined being amongst her own people. Imagined the way things were meant to be. The ways things would've been in another life.
"Doryn, it's time." Master Yaddle collected her for what would be the first of many trips off world. It was just her and Yaddle every time. None of the other younglings in her clan ever joined. Not Huno, or Leyga, or Mepu, or any of them. None of the others were Cathar or wookie or anything like that. They weren't connected to nature like she was meant to be. Like she knew she was when she didn't deny it. It was easier to tell herself that she didn't feel the pull. It was easier to pretend the pain wasn't there. At the time and even part way into the war, she saw the training as a way to help her resist the Dark Side. Later she learnt that knowing how to connect to nature made it easier to shut it out.
Ragoon-VI was the planet used most for these lessons. The planet was essentially like a training ground for the Jedi. There were forests and meadows and mountains. Doryn was only small the first time she went. Master Yaddle took her into one of the planet's meadows. She'd thought that the first lesson ought to be with a smaller plant. Though a potted plant may've been more appropriate for the initial lessons, Master Yaddle knew the girl needed to feel the planet to initiate the connection. She needed the way the Force resonated in the planet to guide her. Like Cathar would've guided her. Like Kashyyk would've guided a wookie.
The free flowing of the memory stopped with the two of them meditating in the grass. Doryn tried to fit every possible next event into the empty slot. She knew what was next but wanted to pretend she didn't. She didn't want to remember how good and right it felt. She didn't want to admit that giving in to her selfish desires felt so good. She didn't want it but the further she stalled the memory, the harder it became to deny it. She didn't want the evil that resided in her to even exist, let alone be empowered. She'd been a naive child, following the instruction of Master Yaddle despite knowing giving in was wrong. She was foolish to so blindly follow a member of the council and not what she knew within herself to be right.
She reached into the Force as she'd been instructed to. She felt the breeze as it hit the grass, she felt the new growth in a tree three clicks away. She felt the system of roots under the dirt of the surface. She felt as they took food from the ground and she felt a dying plant become food in the soil. She felt a flower strain to open further as the sunlight hit it. She'd never felt so connected and overwhelmed by the Force. She'd last been surrounded by nature like that when she was 2 and had no idea what the Force was or how to even begin connecting to it. It was the danger of training a Cathar on a planet of cold skylines and colder foundations. The closest to a garden the temple had was a collection of potted plants. Being only a small child, suddenly experiencing so much, she passed out on the spot after a few moments of connecting.
When she awoke, she found Master Yaddle waiting patiently for her. She also found in herself nothing but the desire to do it again. Even if she would pass out, the way she'd felt in those few seconds had been worth it. Before she could attempt it again, the Master across from her gestured toward a small red flower and spoke. "Youngling, focus on only this flower. Only this flower and your breath exist, do you understand?" She nodded, despite not really getting what Master Yaddle meant. She tried her hardest to only focus on the red flower. She achieved it for a second before everything else flooded in.
It took a good few trips before she was able to focus on only one flower. Later the lesson became about feeling the flower's needs. Feeling everything the flower did despite how it had none of the same features as her. Feeling through every inch of every leaf and petal. Feeling the roots as they spread. Focusing on the one thing and only that thing. Soon, focusing on it whilst remaining aware of other things, how the flower's roots brushed against those of a fungi's or the way it shaded a neighbouring flower's leaves. She excelled at it quickly even with Master Yaddle's constant reminders that it wasn't a test. Yaddle would remind the girl that it was an exploratory task and would feel the refusal. Doryn wanted it to be a test that there was a right and wrong to. She grew to feel discomfort through connecting to the trees and flowers of Ragoon-VI.
She didn't want the pain of being away from the forest that grew every time she connected to nature. She knew pain led to the Dark Side. So she shut it out. She shut out the plants and she shut out the sun and she shut out herself. She relegated the truest part of herself to a tiny chest in the corner of her mind and left it there to rot. She left it there and now it was just the true Cathar inside of her that tried to guide her.
She wished she'd been honest with Master Yaddle. She wished she'd asked her questions and gotten the answers she needed then and now. She knew it was useless. Yaddle was dead. Master Yaddle was dead and she could never ask her what it was that was wrong with her. Why she'd needed the forest more than oxygen. Why she felt the pain. Why the Master had tried to teach her things that would lead her to the Dark Side.
What she wanted to know most of all, was why Master Plo was trying to lead her down that same path.
