It's me, everyone's favorite author, Starmegalo!(Totally)
I updated in time! This chapter is quite heated, but again, before you have instant opinions let me remind you that this story has quite a lot of build-up and YES, Subaru has problems. I don't write them to show he is cool, he has wrong points and right points. He is also scarred about many things, unlike canon where that shit doesn't affect him unless the plot requires it.
Oh and I want to write a bit for the people who defended me in the comments. Haters are my most loyal followers so that's everyday for me. But I didn't expect people to just defend me. I'll just ask them to chill out and also say thanks. I am not stopping this fic. You'll be seeing this for a long time if you are willing to read.
And I forgot to mention the previous chapter but I will answer FFN reviews at the start of each chapter while I just reply to AO3 comments. In both sites I opened moderation because bots, I approved EVERY COMMENT, regardless how much hate there was.
Please kudos, follow and favorite! This story WILL be a long ride! Want numbers high!
Now let's get into the reviews:
Marshall0-56: I'm a huge Subaru fan, and so this hurts a bit.
You know how to write, I admit it, but you are distorting the image of Subaru.
Subaru is a sweet and clumsy boy. loyal and foolish as a faithful dog.
at least respect Subaru.
A: You don't need to get hurt really…I am just exploring things that very well could've happened but didn't in canon. Canon doesn't explore the dark ideas or conflict inside of Emilia camp nor the consequences of their actions. And…it's really weird your idea of 'respect' is him to stagnate like that (let's admit canon Subaru isn't respected by narration and his close circle and his development reset to some level each arc…unfortunately) and I won't even get into the 'faithful dog' part.
Thanks for your review though. It gave me a chance to explain that. Some people get confused why Subaru isn't 1-1 with canon…well if it was like that then you can't explore anything that canon limits. Simple as that.
arturrosa071206: I'm curious to know what promise he said he would break
A: He speaks about his assurance to Satella. He is no longer affected by anything she said in that time nor his own words to her. He will decide things accordingly, that's the idea anyway. Not being Greed IF Subaru. Rejecting Satella and having some natural opinion on Echidna(Who helped him far more) doesn't mean he just goes Greed IF…well, canon seems to think that. However this story also explores Subaru's regret of not considering a different contract with Echidna back having him in his head and then doing his own thing as example. Subaru keeps thinking about what if this and that when it comes to his decision in the tea party.
AstolpoBrHue: Completamente excelente
Adorei a forma que ele está ligado a essa idéia da rem
Adoro suas fanfic quando o Subaru age de forma mais determinada, acho que falta muito desse aspecto do natsuki Subaru na história principal
A: Indeed. It's almost like his determination only unlocked when he is already bashed to death and died many times meaninglessly. I dislike inconsistency of that.
Pryd: Would like for Subaru to be together with the other girls "together" but that's your choice it would either be a single ship or one whole cruise ship and I wish it was the second option. anyway great chapter Subaru is broken Right now but like 200 piece puzzle he can become one again in due time for him to become the best version of himself.
A: I will do what is natural to me. I have my likes and dislikes however I don't let that dictate the story overall. So far I always thought of myself as a single girl but it's not like I am against harem or anything. Though I firmly believe harem should only happen when it fits. Some girls in Re:Zero doesn't mind at all. Actually they think it's natural. Some of them seem flexible and so on.
sinjawars: Nice chapter as always star. You rock. Unlike peeps here i dont mind chadbaru fics. Actually i prefer them over subaru fics suffering and being a simp but to each their own.
A: Thanks man. To begin with 'Chadbaru' isn't even some different Subaru I envisioned. It's just Subaru who isn't used as a plot device, can react to things, his determination is constant and he isn't affected by the bias of Tappei so he doesn't get dumber beside Emilia or other characters Tappei wants to scream to us that they are smart, plus he is allowed to interact with other women naturally. Basically more 'Chad' then Canonbaru who is fucked by writing(which isn't a high bar to surpass most of the time). If it was just my dick and tastes…then he would be making Emilia a corpse in an instant and then it would just be him fucking Re:Zero world. But…as you can see I am a writer who knows that my base wishes are quite excessive.
Guest: Chadbaru
Ok so so it's another fic where Subaru does absolutely nothing wrong and comes to all the right conclusions instantly. Thanks for telling me what this fic will be before I had to waste my time reading it.
A: An interesting definition of nothing wrong.
Guest: It's fine, because everyone is mentally ill in this mansion!
A: Absolutely correct! Even most normal Petra can be argued in some regards!
Anon: Damn this is pretty amazing! I love how Subaru doesnt give a shit about anyone but Rem, really shows how fucked up his mind is! So far its a 9/10!
Let me fuck Felix: (Long ass shit about Felix, go to reviews to read it)
A: Must be still living rent free in your head. Imagine using an alt. Couldn't be me.
Obeyblocky: What the fuck did I just read. I don't know if it was good or bad. It's like, confused?
A: Hope you will have your own interpretations and thoughts as fic goes on.
Welp. That was about it I guess. Btw if you want you can PM me in FFN about story, commissions or things like that. However FFN's system sucks and I will likely not be notified by that for a long time so the best option is Discord.
/YxtzwbzVQh
—No matter how careful and calculated you are, if you aren't truly into your role , blunders are inevitable.
This was his first great blunder. He recalled things that happened after his words concerning Rem while standing still in the hallway alone.
It all started with a great silence. A shock over Subaru's dark determination.
After that, Emilia was the first one to talk. Frenziedly saying "Take it back", shouting with tears in her eyes, Subaru didn't know why she was saying that without stopping. Of course, Subaru understood that Emilia didn't want to hear things like him dying. But-
"You do like it when I say things like "I'll be a meat shield for you."He muttered to himself, he didn't say this to Emilia's face because he didn't want to keep the argument going. Everything depended on Emilia now. Whether she thinks on it or forgets…it was all on her. It was an unchangeable truth that Subaru would save Rem.
"Why so terrified when I say I would get hurt for Rem? Could it be that Emilia underestimates my feelings for Rem?" That would be a giant misunderstanding. Subaru loved Rem and Rem was his mission. Rem had no fate or destiny. With Subaru's presence, she was free. Subaru wouldn't let a silly thing like fate ensnare Rem. He won't let fate touch Rem with her dirty hands.
Of course, Subaru's consciousness was heavy with guilt. Rem was free from the end of fate…while sleeping eternally. Subaru was right when it comes to thinking she wouldn't suffer this way…however she wasn't living either. Subaru became the force that ensnared Rem instead of fate and destiny. And his fear of her getting hurt was the exact reason why her time was stopped…the time that Subaru started before.
If Subaru could recover his scars from the times he saw Rem die…There was no doubt he would save both her and everyone else from the Witch Cultists.
But Natsuki Subaru's determination was focused on Rem at that time and Rem alone. To not make Rem suffer anymore he subconsciously decided it was okay for Crusch to lose her memories and people to stay dead there.
If Emilia took Crusch's place and she lost her memories. Checkpoint would update anyway.
Subaru's dark determination prioritized Rem more than anyone else, just like once he did that for Emilia.
Which was exactly why Subaru was infinitely more excessive than Roswaal and Echidna. Both could accept people getting hurt and both would make sacrifices…Subaru would not and that's why he is incomprehensible to even these people.
Anyways. After Subaru deflects Emilia's attempts to make him promise that he will "Not do things like that" or "Will take care of himself more than Rem." She said something unacceptable.
"Subaru, I reaaaaaaly understand you care about Rem. But please, It's not good to be obsessed about saving people." That was Emilia's words after she calmed down from Subaru's words about dying for Rem.
What? Hypocrite. When I do it for you...you are fine with it. Where is this awareness when that happens for your sake?
"Now I can see things more clearly." Subaru said to himself while thinking.
Back then when Emilia left me in the capital because "I was hurting myself for her." She wasn't right about everything like I wanted to believe. She is so self-centered. She thinks that I only suffered for her, and no one else?! Even though I was already turned into a chew toy at mabeast for villagers and Rem.
Emilia too has ugly sides. For so long I tried to close my eyes to it. Or say that "It only makes me love her more" but that's a shitty lie.
Of course that wasn't the only thing Subaru closed his eyes for the sake of Emilia.
"Sometimes I think I can just snap and kill that fucker." That rat who calls himself a father. Puck. Subaru remembered how he made her stay in the mansion like a good girl when she could do literally anything else. And of course, the time that he got tortured by that scum.
"Kill who?"
"Beatrice. Eavesdropping isn't good manners." Subaru says, annoyed.
"Right now, you were acting like a madman I suppose. But even as a madman, Subaru shouldn't just ignore Betty's presence I suppose. I called out to you, but you didn't hear me in fact. That's not good manners, in fact.."
After the arguments between Subaru...and everyone else except Beatrice. He just shut them down and decided that Petra and Ram will go with Roswaal. Emilia will spend lots of time with Frederica for at least a week before they go to Priestella and some other trivial stuff about who will do what. It did feel as if Subaru was the leader of this camp. It was unnatural how easily he made it feel like they were actually getting commended by him all the time when in reality this was a first for all of them. Everyone had their own opinion about Subaru's actions...and Emilia thought nothing of it.
As for his words about dying. They just…didn't take it seriously. Subaru was disappointed. It was a single moment where he freed himself from all limitations and doubts and spoke the words that could be considered as giving a 'key' to everyone else. But it didn't work.
Subaru just now got out of that room. He thought he was the only one who left. He was pretty much sure that they were talking about him there. But he didn't care.
It seems Beatrice followed him. Of course, she did. She is Beatrice, after all.
"I apologize. I shouldn't have said that stuff..." Subaru slowly said. His words were honest. And he wasn't thinking anything but Beatrice. While interacting with her and her alone. Subaru was fully present.
"You didn't look apologetic back there," Beatrice said questioningly.
"I wasn't. No, more like I did regret what I said just because you were there. But I couldn't show that to others. They would misunderstand my feelings and they would take that for themselves. But that regret is only for you. My apology is only for you. But even though they are our precious friends...there are some of them who will take those apologies for themselves and think that they are in the right."
He was genuinely sad for talking about his own death…in front of Beatrice. Who wanted to cherish every moment with Subaru. But that was the extent of Subaru's regret.
"Are you talking about Emilia?" The question seemed rhetorical. It was more like she was seeing if Subaru could refuse those words as he always does, regardless of the truth.
"Khgh..." Subaru couldn't reject it. And all endeavors to reject that statement stayed in his mouth. It wasn't only Emilia of course…but she came in first when it comes to misunderstanding him.
Beatrice sighs...but there was a glimmer of satisfaction.
Despite the dark determination he showed and the words he muttered. Subaru couldn't forget about Beatrice even though it was about Rem. Even Emilia has discarded in his mind at that moment, but not Beatrice. It made Beatrice's heart warm.
'Betty's Subaru hurt himself too much because of the stupidity of these people. And of course his unreasonable self-hate…' Beatrice thought.
"Subaru, let's go to our room, I suppose" Beatrice said as she just wanted to cuddle with Subaru to relax…but it was far better if they did it in bed and privately.
"As you wish."
So they walked together.
...
"Beatrice?"
"Yes?"
"Can I tell you something?" Subaru looked at her seriously with a bitter look on his face. It worried Beatrice.
"You can tell everything to me, I suppose. There is not a single thing that I wouldn't want to hear from you." Seeing Subaru's rare exhibition of fragility. Beatrice gives all her support. If she hesitates, even for a second, Subaru will make an empty joke and act like he never intended to ask anything, as if joking was his intention all along. She won't make that mistake and be tricked, not this time.
"I just wanted to tell you that... I am more aware than you think."
"I- Betty doesn't understand. But if you can explain to me surely-" Subaru cuts her off.
"It's not something we can delve into now. I just wanted to tell you that I am aware of things that you think I am not aware of. I also know we do hide some things from each other. But I want to tell you that I'll never hate you for anything that you hide from me. Because I know you are doing it for me."
"Subaru..." Beatrice was speechless. There were some mysteries about Subaru that he himself shouldn't be aware…he was a Sage Candidate.
Subaru continues.
"I...also know there will be few obstacles in our relationship as partners. There are things that you turn a blind eye to that I can't. And there are things that you think will be a problem for me, but the reality is different. And...I know that you can be selfish sometimes. But there are things that you cannot hide forever. There is being greedy, and then there is being a coward. Remember I teach you that obsessing over one thing can be a comfort zone for witches? An escape from reality. "
It was a fact that, one day…the things about Puck will surface.
"..." Beatrice stays silent as Subaru continues. They didn't know what each other thought…but they were thinking the same thing. Beatrice for a second thought if Subaru knew things about Puck…she dismissed it as an impossibility.
"Something like that. But even witches cannot always run away from choices. You can't do that either. There might be a time when you might need to choose once again."
"That's..." Beatrice had a problematic expression. The wonderful life she had right now because she made the right choice. But choosing for herself was the most difficult thing she ever did in her life. She tried to argue against that however, Subaru does not let her do that.
"That's the truth." Subaru shakes his head and continues.
"There are times when you cannot have two people with you because they can be in a conflict. Would you be able to give up on someone for me? If they are in the wrong. The absolute wrong with no question."
—The face of that giant rat. The more Subaru remembers, the more he just wants to go to Emilia, bring the fucked back and then kill him infront of everyone while smiling.
"..."
"If you want... you can just not answer at all. I know it's hard for you after all."
"I probably can't do it without any hesitation...but..."
"..."
"I will always choose Subaru. Because Subaru is the right choice for her. Betty's partner, there is no one better.." Subaru had no guarantee that she would choose him instead of that genocidal maniac. But the power behind those words…
"Beatrice-"
(After Subaru leaves)
"Can someone tell me what just happened? I couldn't make Subaru understand…but if we work together then I can save Subaru." I needed their help. I can't let Subaru hurt himself for Rem. Rem was sleeping and wouldn't wake up, I knew that… however Subaru shouldn't just…get hurt to save her.
Maybe I was selfish. However, I didn't want to lose Subaru. I couldn't lose him.
I had no answer to give him. I knew he wanted an answer no matter what it was…however, I just couldn't do it. I can't say I love him because I simply couldn't say that.
But I couldn't reject Subaru either. Rejecting someone, I learned about it and I DID NOT like it. They get hurt when you reject someone…Subaru getting hurt wasn't acceptable to me. But according to what Frederica and Petra told me, it was normal. It couldn't be helped.
"Even if the person is hurt. They can get up. Their friend can help them to get over it. They can start anew and they can love someone else. And perhaps, with good communication. The person you reject… can still be friends with you, Emilia-sama. Just maybe. Even if they can't, it cannot be helped. They still deserve an answer." Frederica muttered those words with absolute truth. It was the right thing to do. Even though the consequences of telling the truth could lead her to be punished. At the very least that's what Frederica thought.
Perhaps? Maybe? Staying as friends?
Getting over it? Subaru not loving me? Why can't I imagine Subaru like that? I... genuinely can't?
Perhaps I don't love him but I can't imagine a life without him. Life without my esteemed knight... Having my knight was the best thing that ever happened to me. Subaru is someone I can reaaaaally trust. And I appreciate him a lot.
I can't say I love him. I really can't. However, I can't think of a life without him and I also cannot reject him because of that. Doesn't that mean I can love him one day? Subaru is the man I will fall in love with one day, that's what I decided.
I won't believe anything other than this. No way I will lose him just because I am not in love with him! Surely when I can keep up with him as a person, I'll fall in love with him. He is the man I'll fall in love with one day.
One day, I also want to talk with Rem and laugh with her. However, I just can't lose Subaru because of that. Subaru is awesome anyways, he can save Rem without…d-d-dying.
Thinking Subaru is dead. I just can't. No way. Subaru is just so…he wouldn't die. He won't die.
He defeated soooo~ many enemies after all. But he is also fragile. No way he would just die. Anyone could do it. If he dies I'll… I'll be all alone without Puck. And Subaru won't lie, right? He said he'll be with me. And I want him beside me forever. This shouldn't be a bad thing... Subaru is happy with me, after all.
"Let's stop heeeeere~ I don't think there is anything to talk about at aaaaaaaaal~" While I was thinking about Subaru, Roswaal said something I couldn't accept nor understand.
"What do you mean there is nothing to talk about? Don't you worry about Subaru, Roswaal? And I want to learn more about him...I really don't want to pry but when he talked about breaking a promise, I suuuuper wondered what he was talking about! And if any of you knows anything about him that I-others don't know about they should just tell me about it." Emilia said with utmost honesty. She wanted to know everything about Subaru.
"Hahahahahahahahaha!" To the opinion and desire voiced from Emilia's heart, Roswaal laughed with no respect and nothing held back.
"Of course, you want to know more about him, who doesn't? I have wanted that deeply ever since the first I have been foretold. However, you must realize that you can't get everything you want in this world. Changing Subaru-kun's path is an impossibility for you and you should stop unless you want to receive his animosity. I've been lucky for him to ignore me after trying that. You must open your eyes, there is not a single person in this kingdom who does not want to know more about him and isn't curious about him. Every candidate, every noble, and everyone here is all the same. However, you are no more special than any of us unlike many believe, or like once I believed, since you receive no answers from him when it comes to his secrets. In any case, you had the chance before, yet at that time you weren't curious about him or considered him important in any way. You were too busy distrusting him because you didn't believe someone could like you just like that. And now that your eyes opened a tiny bit, that immense opportunity already faded away long ago. Perhaps it was a gap that will never open again."
Roswaal ends that rant with a sinister smile, satisfied with Emilia's hurt expression. Echidna would be proud.
Ram wasn't happy about Roswaal talking about Subaru of all people with such...importance.
No, that was a lie that she told herself. She wasn't happy because all he said applied to her perfectly. If she could rewind time…she would make sure Rem would be safe, and other would be that he—
"Ya clown shouldn't talk about Cap'n with vigor like that. It pisses my amazing self off." Garfiel said with scorn and did not hide his hostility, he didn't even attempt to do that. Garfiel was someone who got easily irritated when people underestimated Subaru or didn't appreciate him. So normally when someone talks about him like Roswaal did, he would be thrilled like a happy cat and have a better opinion of that person for understanding the person he admired.
But that wasn't possible with Roswaal.
"It is undeeeeerstandable Garfiel~ however my feelings are no lie. And I am committed to the path Subaru-kun will choose and that path alone. I was mistaken back then, but now if I have any use. He is free to use me as he wishes. No...Him using me is what I desire most. If he uses me, there is hope, if he uses us, there is future, if he uses himself...then there is nothing but victory." The belief possessed for an unknown being he could not comprehend. Roswaal's true feelings came out. Every other attempt to rationalize Subaru, trying to repeat in his mind how weak and delicate he is...all of that was for the sake of his own sanity.
Deep down Roswaal already knew that there was no rule of the world that wasn't broken by that person. But he could not accept that consciously just yet.
"Subaru's path? What Subaru...chose? Roswaal, what are you talking about? What does Subaru have to do with Sanctuary?" Did Subaru have a goal? What is he talking about? I understand that he was talking about sanctuary when he said 'back then' but...what Subaru has to do with this? Wasn't everything between her and Roswaal?
'Huh? What's going on?'
Everyone looked at Emilia with absolutely dumbfounded expressions. In truth, no one but Roswaal and Subaru knew the events in the sanctuary in detail...Actually, scratch that, it was probably Subaru himself who knew about it most, even Echidna peeking into his mind didn't give her an understanding matching his. However everyone...EVERYONE except Emilia thought deeply about those days. They all knew it was Subaru, who Roswaal wanted to achieve something with. Emilia had nothing to do with that at the very least, even with her position as a challenger of trials.
However, even then... Some people had doubts about Subaru's trials. He supposedly lost them without having any courage to continue unlike his 'Emilia-tan'.
People like Ram and Frederica questioned why he got into the trials with no consequences to begin with. So they were suspicious about everything he said. Let alone him giving up. Ram thought he was joking.
Garfiel and Ryuzu knew that Subaru was outright lying. It's not like Garfiel had the firm belief that Natsuki Subaru could not ever lose. It was more like the man who would never give up...giving up and putting his faith in Emilia after one loss against trials? Even with his love for her, it was simply impossible. Ryuzu's reasons were far different.
Petra reached a similar understanding after talking with Meili, who knew about Sanctuary IN DETAIL and even about the WITCH inside by unknown means. Meili was quite fond of Petra so she talked to her about all she knew and thus, Petra held knowledge that others did not know.
Back to Emilia's misunderstanding.
Roswaal didn't take that misunderstanding well.
"Emilia...-sama, of course it was all Subaru-kun. What in the hell did you think I was trying to do? For what reason? Why? Even I wouldn't just endanger everyone and risk lives for nothing. It should be very, very obvious that it was something important to me. I thought you understood at least that while talking about forgiving me. But it seems... that was my naivety. If you are that delusional. Then you shall not hear a single thing about what happened from me. I will not talk no matter what. I shall respect Subaru-kun's wishes even if he doesn't acknowledge that I can be usefu-." Roswaal stops speaking suddenly. Not continuing. Ram gets a shiver down to her spine. She was uncharacteristically silent for a long time. That did not change here. But others got used to it in time so no one thought it was weird that Ram wasn't getting into the conversation even though it concerned Roswaal.
"That...I don't understand." Emilia mutters.
"You don't. But there is one thing you absolutely must never forget. I won't help, in any path, if Subaru-kun doesn't walk towards it. You can gain the support of Sword Saint or awaken your powers. But that is insignificant compared to his work. What I searched for so long is not brute power."
To that, faces became even more dumbfounded. And Emilia wondered how Roswaal knew about the powers that she could only awaken once against Pandora.
Perhaps that was because she forgot he was the most skilled magic user alive.
This was a chaotic day for Emilia camp. This was the first time they had a day like this. The entire year passed and everything seemed normal. However, today was different.
As Emilia looked at other people's faces, she saw that they were also disappointed with her lack of...knowledge.
But...could it be? That's right. If it was Beatrice, she probably knew every secret Subaru held.
"Beatrice, what about you? Can't we at least discu-"
"Betty is Subaru's contractor-no. He is Betty's Subaru I suppose. Betty is with him and Betty will be with him no matter what. Betty also realizes she made mistakes and also knows she had missed the 'gap' opened to her. But that's her mistake, Betty won't talk about Subaru behind him or leave him by his lonesome just to fix my mistakes. I won't let Subaru who didn't make the same mistake suffer because of my regrets. He deserves better. Better than you." Beatrice walked out of the room slowly without ever turning back to look at anyone.
For a moment, Roswaal had a fond smile on his face. But lucky for him, no one saw it.
"Now. Isn't that admirable behavior? Perhaps you should learn from Beatrice, Emilia-sama."
I know. I know that Beatrice is right. And perhaps Subaru deserves someone better than me, as a liege, as someone to love, as a friend. Perhaps the reason I even got to have those roles was that Subaru couldn't have anyone else at that moment. Perhaps it was because he didn't have a great opinion of himself, that's why he latched onto me. Thinking no one else would show him kindness.
But I can't be like Beatrice. I need to fix my mistakes, I cannot give an answer no matter how hard it's for Subaru. Because if I give my answer and release Subaru, I'll also lose him. I don't want that. Even if it's better for Subaru I don't want that.
Just like how I don't want a man who is smarter, far stronger, or infinitely better looking than just Subaru. That's why I think it's fine for Subaru to want just Emilia instead of someone who can help him more, someone who can tell him "I love you" or someone who can support him in every situation. Like Rem…
And Subaru won't be needing Rem forever. After all, I will become that person, one day. Subaru just needs to wait. Just like he promised.
I don't want Subaru to be Rem's lover. I want to be that lover. In the future, that will definitely happen. At some point.
I don't want Priscilla to ever call Subaru 'her servant' like she did that time . Subaru is my esteemed knight. Even if Subaru is weak. Even if Subaru won't be able to protect me in a way like a knight would, I don't want any other knight.
If Subaru talks with Roswaal when he plans nasty things, I want to be that person. I am not going to leave Subaru if he is a little bit naughty. I don't want Roswaal to call Subaru his either.
Every and any connection I have to Subaru, I want all of them. I want to be loved by Subaru, I want to be praised by Subaru as his master, and I want Subaru to open up to me like he does to Beatrice.
Even if it's hard for him...I can't give up on these things. If only I could just tell I loved him... but I cannot lie.
I wasn't this kind of person. I could give up on things. I still can in fact. However, I just realized.
"I am unable to give up anything related to Subaru. I can't even risk losing it." Thought the Witch of Glaciation, whose development was frozen still to protect her from the truths.
"You... you won't ever change will you?" Roswaal asks Emilia with a serious expression, it was almost as if he could read her thoughts. He was baffled. He didn't expect Emilia to be this…ugly. But he shouldn't have been surprised, to begin with...all shallowness hid something to be disgusted. And Emilia was a doll. He should expect even more than this self-centered selfishness.
"I can't. I won't. You just don't understand. It might be hard on Subaru but... I can't give up any of it. And if you think Subaru will hate me. That won't happen. You don't know how much Subaru loves me, no one does. I'll just continue to do my best. And perhaps one day..." I might just love Subaru. If I don't...would Subaru leave me? I don't want that either. Even if I can't say those words...I want him. Then what should I do if I can never say those words?
No, I can't think that right now. Surely, I will be able to say it one day.
"Soooo~ you think you can do as many mistakes as you wish?"
"I don't make mistakes intentionally." A part of her answered that with a big: Yes! Because I am Emilia, the one Subaru loves most. She didn't know what to think of that.
"But it's a burden on him...and can you truly say that you are doing your best?"
"I...I might be lacking in a few things. But I have no doubt Subaru will lift me up."
"Isn't that a dependency?"
"It's codependency." She couldn't explain it further out loud even when she attempted to, for some reason unknown to herself, even so perhaps Roswaal understood what she meant.
If Subaru loves Emilia and if he can do things by gathering power from that love. Doesn't that mean Emilia helps Subaru a lot? Even without knowing, if she can help Subaru this much. Then when she gets better... She can do so much more for him. Maybe even more than what he did for her. Finally paying her debts.
Roswaal understood what she thought...and he couldn't help but be astonished at how she was deluding herself to cope with her inability to help him back.
'It's incredible. She actually thinks...she helps him by simply existing. That wouldn't be wrong perhaps...if she was the only one he had such feelings for' Roswaal hoped, thought, and was wrong about that in the past. Natsuki Subaru did not gather determination from Emilia. His determination was to save Emilia and everyone he wanted. But what gave him the power to move forward...was unknown.
'Normal human beings have reasons to be determined. Natsuki Subaru is an impossibility because I cannot see the reasons for his determination. All I see is he searches for excuses to be determined. People to save, people to love. That doesn't make a lick of sense. The time I thought "What if he did all this before, a redo?" when I saw him acting like he could read the world itself... but this is even more insane. You can't just have pure determination for the sake of being determined.' That would assume Subaru didn't have a reason to be determined but he was determined and searching for a reason to use that determination. That didn't make any sense.
But...if...maybe...no, let's imagine an impossible reality where that's true. Then Natsuki Subaru was truly incomprehensible. Even Witches could be understood if you think about their characters. But this? It was impossible. Even he needs to have some sort of reason to not give up. The reason for giving up could not be 'not giving up' or 'satisfaction', it was too intangible for any human being to use as a source for moving forward.
That's what Roswaal believed. However, he turned his head and ignored the answer. That was what Echidna did even with all memories from Subaru.
One decided to believe that Natsuki Subaru was someone who could move forward thanks to the delusional love from Satella. Natsuki Subaru's fate, life, and death were in her hands.
Roswaal believed that Natsuki Subaru's wish to save Emilia allowed him to make a contract with a being...who also stopped him from telling about his ability with a contract. Unless moving away from the path they wish, Subaru could do anything. But he won't be able to. Since he limited himself.
Were any of this true? Echidna? Roswaal? It was for Subaru to decide. Prove them wrong or believe them and make their beliefs a reality.
Both being chained and unchained was his choice to decide. That was what it meant to be utterly free. Slavery was an option too. So far, Subaru rejected the idealistic route Satella proposed, where nothing changed. She had told him to lean on friends that time and time again proved to be an obstacle. She had told him to die like it's his last. Satella had no idea about anything. The Witch of Wrath gained his hatred for saying he was supposed to be grateful to Satella…Carmilla inserted fake emotions to him.
He rejected Echidna's idea of sacrificing things because Natsuki Subaru could not do that. And her idea of Return By Death was flawed. She did not understand the ability. It was much more than a reset.
Yet, Echidna could listen to him, understand him and she was open to new possibilities.
Echidna would talk to him. Satella would not. The moment Subaru stopped crying for a moment, Satella thought he was relieved from his suffering and all of his problems were solved. That showed how much she lacked.
Echidna might've not had a solution. But at the very least she wasn't deluded enough to think she fixed Subaru's all problems by saying "Don't cry" "Don't be sad". That's why when he looked back in those moments without anything clouding his judgment, Natsuki Subaru's opinion changed.
Roswaal was ready to give Emilia a piece of his mind but she turned her back to him.
Emilia did not care what Roswaal would say and what she wanted to believe but...
'I can't allow my resolve to be shaken so I am not going to listen.' This was Emilia's choice.
With that choice, she left the room without wondering what they would talk about.
"I need to catch up to Subaru." Emilia said with a beautiful voice. No one heard her. She was alone.
She didn't know what she would say to Subaru. But perhaps that was unnecessary. No, Emilia believed it was unnecessary.
"If Subaru is close to me, then even with that, Subaru becomes happy. I just need to spend some time with him. Without talking about anything serious." Her sole presence made his life brighter, is what she wanted to believe.
I feel like a reaaaaally bad girl. But for some reason, I feel good too, when I think just me being there is enough for Subaru. That I don't need to do anything else other than being happy.
Ah! I can hear his footsteps. Strangely, that means he isn't in his room by now...perhaps he waited for me?
"If you want... you can just not answer at all. I know it's hard for you after all." I heard Subaru's voice. I felt weird, not because of what he said but because of how different his voice was. It was almost as if it was filled with endless affection and... it was almost as if he was impossibly tired.
I wanted to know why...I want to know how Subaru is with Beatrice when they are alone.
The reason why I am here and have this chance...because it's what it meant to be. Even if it's a little bit naughty...I have no other choice. I just can't control myself anymore. This must be a chance for me to save him.
I looked at them from far away, without stepping towards that side of the corridor, I just slightly moved my head to see them.
They were at the end of the corridor while I was at the beginning. Normally I can't surprise Subaru or Beatrice by trying to spook them no matter how much I tried. But now it was different.
Their backs were turned towards me, and they held hands. Beatrice evaded Subaru's gaze. He also stopped looking at her.
"..."
I wonder what they talked about...I should've not talked with Roswaal at all.
The silence continued for a while, then Beatrice looked at Subaru with an expression that I never saw before.
"I can't probably do it without any hesitation...but..." As she spoke, she also received Subaru's attention, so much so that I feel like nothing could stop him from looking at Beatrice right now.
The words she said implied she was hesitating and trying to find the right words. However, I feel as if she was trying to not scream those words...What are you going to say, Beatrice?
Beatrice's lively expression with pride and so many other emotions that she herself cannot explain.
Subaru's tired eyes screamed weakness, unlike his normal self.
This relationship between spirit and contractor...Emilia did not understand. This was not how things should be...It's not like anything bad was happening but even so, it felt unnatural.
Unnatural and yet, she couldn't even blink. These two, the relationship between Beatrice and Subaru...wasn't similar to her and Puck whatsoever.
Why?
Emilia's heartbeat skyrocketed. She didn't know why but her heart and mind got into a conflict when she saw two of them like this.
"I will always choose Subaru. Because Subaru is the right choice. Betty's partner. Betty's Subaru. If it's Subaru, he can't possibly lose to anyone when it comes to Betty's heart."
Thumb. Thumb.
Emilia's ears hurt with the sound of her heart pounding. The strength in Beatrice's words, the words themselves...they affected her-no, that was an understatement.
Even if she wanted to, even if Emilia's mind would attempt to forget those words for her safety. That was impossible.
My vision started to shake up and things got blurry, everything but Subaru and Beatrice got blurry.
What Subaru will say?
This is not a confession. This is not a confession. This is not a confession. This is not a confession. It can't be.
And even so…
Something about this...made me feel like I can lose something.
Something concerning Subaru...just a moment ago, I was telling myself I could never lose when it comes to Subaru so-
"Beatrice-"
I don't know what is going on but even so, there is no way I will lose after all. Just like Roswaal said once, I am the one Subaru cares about most, and anyone else-
"-You are the reason my world has color."
Something inside me cracked.
"Everything I did, everything I suffered and bled for, was rewardless."
Don't say anything like-
"I am the one who chose to make my life harder, I am the source of my suffering. Ever since the beginning."
These words weren't words Emilia could understand. But what Subaru meant was-that boy who decided that he will die for a girl he just met was Subaru, that boy who decided he would kill himself for the twins who took his life was Subaru. No one else decided for him. And it wasn't reasons like 'Mercy' or 'Being too kind' it was a decision and that was about it.
It was Subaru who made things harder and suffered for it.
Finally,
He could accept that. Thanks to Beatrice, who would accept a person like him.
And Emilia-
I don't understand.
Don't be sad. Why are you so sad?
Emilia could wish as many times as she wanted. Subaru didn't stop.
Emilia wanted Subaru to stop.
Beatrice wanted Subaru to continue, continue and continue forever.
"Even so, not getting rewarded was sickening. The last time I could have someone, I rejected them for someone else, someone who did not understand me. It was a wrong choice and brought no change, she was a coward who wanted the status quo for me, even though I suffered. She never understood me. So it was the worst decision of my life." Subaru said as he thought about that silver haired half-elf covered by shadows.
Subaru and Beatrice's eyes were locked... they didn't see Emilia, who made herself visible.
If she did not have the courage to speak up, she would show herself...yet, they did not see her.
"After that. I won. In one go, swiftly, because I was no longer hesitating. With my hesitation lost I gained this one-year peace, but this alone wasn't a reward. As time passed...even though no one was in danger, I wasn't at peace. I hated myself for not being happy with just that. I hated that I couldn't feel happy just with everyone saved."
Subaru couldn't be happy with everyone saved?
As Emilia dropped to her knees a 'thud' sounded across the corridor. Her mental image of Subaru was crushed into pieces.
But neither Beatrice nor Subaru heard it. Not her dropping on the floor or involuntary voices she made.
There could be an explosion right now and Beatrice's teary eyes would not stop looking at Subaru.
Her ears would not hear anyone but Subaru.
"But then, you were there. Everything was colorless but you never faded. Then I understood, even though I made all the wrong choices, said wrong things...there was still hope."
Subaru was smiling, It was brighter than any smile he wore for her...that's what Emilia thought.
She wasn't exactly wasn't limited to her. Subaru never smiled like this in his life in any world.
Emilia watched as Subaru kindly wiped the tears in Beatrice's eyes.
"With all those colors you wear, you are my happiness. Beatrice-"
Before he continued those words...Subaru realized it.
'Ah, it feels natural. It only feels natural with her.'
He had no doubt his heart was in the right place.
It wasn't obsessive. It wasn't the love that he searched for like a madman.
But that search was a lie in itself.
When he first saw Beatrice. He understood they were alike, but Natsuki Subaru of that time could not acknowledge that he was a lone man who just stood in his room alone. It was embarrassing, it was disgusting.
-Not anymore.
Subaru could force himself to say things but there were limits.
Ever since the very beginning, when he had fallen in love with Emilia at first sight, he confessed to Rem so many times in his head when he was in that dark place where that tiny side of him could show affection to Satella to receive her twisted love for relaxation.
Never once did those words of 'love' come out in that way.
But with Beatrice, he said it casually, he said it jokingly, and he said it with happiness.
But now he has to make sure she knows.
Because Subaru's truest wish was to be happy, to be satisfied, to look back and accept himself. If Beatrice wasn't here Subaru wouldn't think that would be possible-
That is why...
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"I love you"
aishiteru, those words could not come out of his mouth for anyone but Beatrice. Even when they weren't as close, Subaru could blurt that word easily.
—Now he understands why, because she is Beatrice.
Emilia: I don't say I can love Subaru yet.
Also Emilia: He has to be with me forever + stay as he is + be my knight + stay single
Jokes aside…this is more of a case that she can't acknowledge or detect Subaru's masculine side hence why she can't love him as a woman…oh and there is this another factor that…SHE ISN'T A WOMAN YET!
All things aside. As you can see Emilia has problems, Subaru can't communicate with her because he has giant problems. She is a failure at communication and scared of change. Puck's curse fuck both of them up and even attempts to destroy Beatrice and Subaru's relationship but as you can see…they are doing good.
Aishteru, It's the strong 'I love you' in Japanese. Only your beloved and family gets it. Did you know that Subaru never told that to anyone at all but says it to Beatrice casually in canon even when they weren't close? Yeah. I made Subaru realize that here.(Correct me on this if I am wrong but I did double check)
And as you can see, Subaru isn't some sociopath with cruel feelings. He is desensitized to many things, pain is one of them. But Subaru is still himself. And boy…HE IS HAVING A BAD TIME. It will be revealed how much he suffered even without an enemy to torture him. And Beatrice is the only reason he isn't going into a dark route because of that suffering.
I know some…will ask if this is turning into a Beatrice x Subaru. No. But if you want to know one thing, it can turn into an ending where Subaru doesn't have any serious romance and just prioritizes his bond with Beatrice. But yes, THIS IS NO ROMANCE OF THAT KIND!
(I would write if I am commissioned. Power of money! Want an excuse to call me a pedophile because you detest me? You just need to pay up!)
And I hope that Subaru's view of Rem's situation IS NOT healthy at all. But it's also isn't because he is just obsessed with her…Remember the times that Rem throw herself to death for Subaru? Yeah. This is the result. HE THINKS PATATO REM IS BETTER THAN A REM WHO SUFFERS IN LOOPS WHICH SHE WILL NEVER REMEMBER! He is that much fucked by Petelguese playing twister with Rem! He didn't like being left behind while they played that.
Roswaal also wants to be used by Subaru. He is getting hard on the thought that Subaru would use him and they would just be defeating strong enemies…Which is totally logical since Roswaal is more useful than all of the camp combined with how hard he would obey and his versatility.
Except Subaru wasn't interested. Which sucked for the clown.
Anyways. Next chapter will be on May 24, after my exam!
Remember to support the fic with reviews, kudos and follow/favorite.
If you want to commission something find me in Discord! Also I upload the chapters 1 day earlier in Discord!(Even though I couldn't do it in this week for reasons…)
See ya in 24th. (Also you can point out any grammatical error and I WILL fix it)
/YxtzwbzVQh
