Hello! Sorry for the 1 day delay for the chapter…I kind of had serious stuff going on. It's not that it wasn't written, but with the things that happened, I literally forgot about it.

But hey! This chapter is actually 2 chapters! At first it was just 2 short chapters(3.5k is short in Starmegalo chapters I guess.) but since they were fitting quite well together and a dude in discord pointed out the shortness, I decided to merge it!

I got a new commission, before that I will publish a smut fic(with some plot) and a new fic. The new fic will be one chapter but the chapter will be giant, I think it might be close to 20k when it ends. (I have an feeling that this time botting won't happen)

Commission fic…well, I won't mess up with the surprise.

Btw we finally reached 50 fav and 55 follow! This thing isn't that popular with my poor entrance in chapter 1 and other elements. And it doesn't do bad in AO3 either. Didn't expect even this increase to thank you for that, please keep up the support! I want to reach 100s for those numbers!

Now reviews!

Sir Dinny: A good written fanfic. Really ooc to the point I couldn't continue reading, but still objectively good.

A: Well, change meant to be shown later so that it wouldn't be OOC. But well, thank you very much.

Pryd : Damn, this chapter was great. Subaru needs to leave Emilia camp. those ungrateful sack of shiz. hope this would be a harem route seeing Subaru rizzing up women left and right and ignoring the white haired hoe to the side and going at it with the greedy mommy vibes girl lmao. Excited for more every chapter is getting me hooked. (P.S sorry for my bad language had to release a bit since our research teacher is such a biyatch.)

A: I'll be honest. While there are some feelings that Echidna is felt as a possible candidate. That remains to be seen. Purpose in mentioning her is that the not always nice and good Emilia camp gives him peace and understanding he needs. Satella is kind of like that, tells him to act like he has 1 life and not RbD, this kind of advice only possible if you fucking ignore Subaru lost Rem and one definite way to go against is being active with RbD and at least acknowledging that he has to live with that ability in mind. Subaru's thoughtless rejection of Echidna while just calling her outright evil is basically also him rejecting the logical reality of the situation. Now he suffers because of that choice. So it's not even fundamentally about Satella or Echidna, it's about what they represented. Subaru chose delusion and escapism.

As for harem, if it happens, it happens. Any answer other than naturally happening isn't ok in my book.

Noragogoisverycool(ch2 review): Just read chapter one comment on chapter 2 and I wonder where you get the balls to say that stuff about Tappei's writing

To be honest, while reading your thoughts here I was wondering where I could've heard it before but then I realised you sound like the fools from Witchcults chapter comments

You seem to have the idea that Subaru's character in Cannon just gets boned and regresses for plot reasons but the fact you think that proves that you don't truly understand his character

Also about your Au, it appears to begin after Arc4 but that doesn't make sense by then he had sworn off dying a lot and wants to hold through with that conviction hell even Smolbaru for as many times as he dies still strives for the ideal he comes up with during arc4 so to just change it hugely at the point where it should be the strongest doesn't make any sense id like if you can go into more depth on exactly how he did a complete 180

Other than your complaints about Tappeis writing I don't see any problem with chapter 1 it's 7-8/10 but I have not yet read this story to review it probably

A: First, thank you for your review.

My problem is, let's give an example…continuity. And this isn't something that happens only arc by arc. For an example, there is a moment when Subaru severed his tongue thinking Satella inserted emotions in him and about to take his free will. A moment later, Carmilla forcefully uses her authority on Subaru to make him feel emotions from literal simulation itself. Subaru doesn't disagree with this…even though this was exactly what he was against a moment ago, and starts to accept Satella.

In fact, until the last moment between him and Satella that weird feeling in his heart for Satella continues but Subaru stops going against it for no reason when it is still against him.

As for Satella's idea of not dying, fearing death and working with others…not only her idea ignore that Subaru lost Rem a while ago which can be avoided by using RbD but her own words don't work together as well.

Subaru so far had to die to be able to work with his allies and that trend continues to this day. So 'do not die' and 'work together with people' doesn't work and it's an outright wishful thinking.

Satella also tells Subaru to act like all of his lives are his last. But this is also a stupid advice. Because while narration, characters, witches and everyone tells Subaru that his 'information gathering' filled loops are just fucking bad. No one ever gets the idea that lack of information is what kills Subaru to begin with. If he randomly lets everything happen, then he will die with each unknown element. The reason Subaru gets to do arc 4 in one go after Satella is because plot/author/narration supports that idea. However if Subaru was allowed, arc 4 was easy to begin with. Roswaal acted differently in loops and made it obvious how fishy he was. But Subaru couldn't face him yet as that wouldn't support the 'Work together with others!' Subaru narrative.

Roswaal's whole plan was rubbish with it being destroyed with the mere idea of Subaru saying "What if I kill you, even if I totally support ONLY Emilia" Greed IF LN supports this. Roswaal can control the actions of assassins, can literally stop the rabbits if done early(unless Subaru wants to kill them) and so much more.

Also Garfiel and Emilia are legitimate barriers that have caused Subaru death so many times. Emilia was guilt tripping Subaru by saying "You don't trust me with trials?" and Garfiel…..yeah. So another L for Satella when it comes to allies. But Subaru also can't be allowed to think that.

This "I should use this ability tactically so that Satella won't fuck my checkpoints" (Yes, Subaru was terrified of her control you can read in volume 12. But of course Satella doesn't get challenged on that matter) and "I gotta get used to this so I won't suffer and work better" are ignored in the later arc, which caused casualties like Julius and would have more if not for plot armor.

This is just in the same arc…the stuff lost between arcs are insane. And it's not even only Subaru.

Once again, thanks for your review.

BigSmokeYeet: Keep this going :D [Don't rush it please...]

A: I won't. This will end.

GuestG: Go away Star Pedo nobody cares about your low tier power fantasy Subaru cock riding incel garbage. Do the world a favor and go outside and touch grass take a shower stop being a basement dwelling pedo rape role play liking creep and get the mental therapy you obviously need.

A: Couldn't do without your support and love. And I am too broke for mental therapy.

KlabOriz : I don't get how you can make cheer for a different character every new chapter. Now i don't know who I want to win more in the end, Anastasia or Emilia.

A: Oh man...you didn't even see Priscilla yet.

And with that... Let's get into the story!

"Speaking"

'Thinking'

Subaruism word AKA ENGLISH IN STORY


After spending some time with Anastasia and Julius, with Emilia's choice they decided to solve the situation with the Kiritaka first so that they could have a good time with their mind at ease.

Currently, they were on a large boat.

"Kiritaka-san likes Liliana a lot huh..." Emilia says with a curious voice. She didn't know why he liked her. Subaru knew the rumors, and he was sure that Otto also had some intel, preferably more than him. But regardless, rumors could be exaggerated and easily leave the realm of reality. Subaru was the biggest example of that.

Regardless of the reality that he is actually using a 'Little Girl' in the battle—

—He did NOT have a harem of Little Girls!

To begin with, why the heck are so many perverted stories about him circulated?

The sole reason for his involvement in politics is to steal the purity of all dragon maidens!

Didn't you know? The true reason that half-witch was covering her body in a cloak was to hide the collar put there by him! When they are alone...she is not shy at all when she shows her devotion to her master!

It can't be helped if Dutchess and Natsuki Subaru are caught by the heat of things after defeating the Whale. Just wait! He will be joining her camp!

He is around so many women...but in truth, it's the Blue that he is interested in-

"Yes, that's enough recollection for today." The last one was the sign that he should stop remembering the rumors.

"What are you talking about, I suppose?" Beatrice asked, curious about what goes in his mind as always. She was adorable when she was interested in something.

"The nasty rumors." Subaru says. Beatrice needs no further explanation.

"Eugh...I suppose!" She was clearly disgusted. Of course, Beatrice also wanted people to praise Subaru. She personally wants to see everyone doing that. But opening her ears to that also means hearing things she would regret.

"Exactly, Eugh."

After that, another silence fell between them. Even though others were talking to each other and enjoyed doing that, Beatrice and Subaru could enjoy staying silent together. There was something relaxing about that.

"The wind feels good, in fact."

"Are you glad that you get to feel it?"

"Always." She said instantly, didn't even wait for a second.

It was a roundabout way of saying "Are you glad that you left that library?" Subaru would feel the need to ask that from time to time, for the sake of feedback, for the sake of pride and perhaps to calm his insecurities down, yet the answer never changes.

A pure determined voice that is untainted by doubt.

A happy voice that you can't imagine turning sad.

A strong feeling of bond that left no insecurity.

Time and time again, she answered that question and she had answered in different ways and feelings. Yet all of them were positive. All of them were precious.

Subaru will never forget. Treasuring them until the end, and even after everything ends.

Subaru smiled and closed his eyes...feeling the wind and focusing on that feeling.

...

The wind.

...Something…?

No. Not now. No…Not now!

Subaru tries to escape from something, scared to open his eyes, yet keeping it close scared him even more.

That's why he slightly opened it and despaired.

The colors the world contained and the feeling of life faded rapidly, gray, white, and black.

Slowly the world would contain no other colors and that fact was inescapable. Natsuki Subaru knew that.

As he wanted to find an escape, say something, perhaps distract himself. He was attacked once again before he could call Beatrice's help.

The world started to spin. Spin. Spin. Spin.

'Vertigo' was the type of spinning Subaru wished for. He tried to convince himself that it was just that or heart attack or anything…Yet it wasn't like that.

What Subaru was living right now wasn't Vertigo, his literal vision pierced into four, and all of them were spinning in different directions.

Left, Right, Up and Down.

His vision turned into basic screens and his consciousness adapted to it. Natsuki Subaru just kept adapting to it, he wished that his mind would be crushed, destroyed, and turned into dust. Yet that never happens.

He always adapts. His incomprehensible consciousness allowed an incomprehensible type of suffering that no living being could experience.

His brain should be dead already. Yet it never happens.

As he uncontrollably switched between screens, the adaptation kept continuing.

Now his mind was spinning in many directions at the same time. The human view was one thing...but it felt like Subaru had 4 other sets of eyes and they were spinning as well...How was this possible?

Seeing so many things at the same time he couldn't feel if he was touching something.

The voices disappeared...was Beatrice calling out to him or she didn't realize it yet?

He didn't know...but voices were dying, that only meant one thing.

The worst thing was about to happen.

Sensitivity. Sensitivity.

The feeling of everything...Wind...Wind...

The wind that he felt when his leg was cut off.

The wind hits once again...burning Subaru's face.

The wind made his head fall off after being frozen to death.

He was right now traveling to make that guy come back. What a disgusting, rapeable, piece of shit, garbage, inconsistent, mad, slothful bastard he was. Without consideration for anything, he was a slave for the story he wished for.

Now...things were crashing down once again. Because of his choices?

Subaru lost all vision.

The vision now became memories. He saw all of them at the same time.

The time that he was killed by Puck.

The time that he was killed by Ram.

The time that he was tortured by Puck.

The time that he disposed of himself by throwing himself off a cliff.

. . .

He was seeing, living, and spectating all the memories at the same time.

What... . . .

Now, what was happening? How much more did he have to suffer?

"Where am I?" Without a body, without any connection to his life or the world.

He was standing in this place when he reached the end.

This was a place where he was absolutely alone. Lonely. No one else. No one but the concepts. No nothing.

It was nothingness. Nothing existed here. Natsuki Subaru was outside of all existence

He couldn't breathe.

Heshouldn'tbehereheisnotdeadheisnotdead.

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyhwyhwhy?! WHY WAS HE HERE?!

The scene changed once again.

Now he was in that place.

A place that existed because Natsuki Subaru didn't want to be alone. So when he threw himself off that cliff.

'She was here.'

So this place wasn't a lonely place.

Yet she couldn't hear him. She couldn't see him.

"Where are you?" A voice questions it. Unable to sense something she had to feel. Extreme sadness could be felt by her.

When this despair starts. Not even Envy could do anything. She was here for the sole purpose of-?!

Why? Why? Why was she here?

Why doesn't he remember? For what purpose was Satella with him?

He only knows that it's his choice. He knew nothing else.

He wills legs to get close to her.

He wills hands to touch her.

He wills, he creates, and he makes it obey.

Darkness provides and has no choice but to do it.

All sensations and the body...somewhat complete. Yet...

"Why?" Something was stopping him.

That something didn't like his 'method.'

And that's why...that power which only belonged to him turned against his 'body.'

Dissolved easily. It was no match.

And instead-

"AAAAAAAUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!" Something came out of his very being. It was formed from everything that made him move forward, continue, and start over.

It filled him. As he was reaching the completion of his being, he shouted like he was being born thousands of times.

The pain he felt throughout his life.

The times that he was determined.

The times that he pursued love.

The times he died.

Reset.

Worked for something.

Something was making him feel those feelings over and over again. Turning all of that into one thing: A source of his determination.

It wasn't a sin who made him do that.

It was something cultivated within him ever since his consciousness existed.

It felt familiar. Yes. This was what Natsuki Subaru did throughout his life to move forward. Never give up, unable to give up.

He was completed now.

A dark figure, so dark that he couldn't blend in with the shadowy darkness that covered this place. He was superior right now.

He walked with his legs and felt every part of himself. This was the moment of truth. The purpose of that girl would be used once again to escape from despair, to escape from everything. No colorlessness. Only love.

Unconditional love.

Yes...there she was. She could save him. Right?

Adorned with that dress. Only hands and feet were shown. Beautiful dark complimented the white skin.

"...I love you. I love you. How are you here...like this?" A feeling of confusion. Love. Yet Subaru does not answer. Satella didn't need to know. No one needed to know about Natsuki Subaru. Everyone could believe whatever they wanted. They were free to believe he was a slave. They were free to believe he was meant to walk a certain path.

They are free to believe whatever they want.

He wasn't here to give answers when no one gave him any. He wanted something else...if she could give him that, he would reward her too.

But…

"Why are you stopping me...Natsuki Subaru?" He says with an angry voice. He was an abomination made from nothing but darkness. His eyes shined with an unknown red.

Her face was still covered with a shroud of darkness. The face that he wanted to see. To witness a color. But something inside of him knew better.

Why?

Why?

For what reason can this happen?

Why the fuck Natsuki Subaru of old stand in his way? Did he not understand his suffering?

"I...I love you." She says as expected...She hugs him.

She didn't understand how he was here, like this. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. But she didn't care.

Subaru could feel her love as he felt her body on his.

That's why...

Subaru slowly reaches for her cheek. He would caress it, then claim those lips. If she can satisfy his need, he would reward her.

The Natsuki Subaru of the past could not defeat the Natsuki Subaru of the future. The determination what decides the conclusion, and he would always have more of that feeling the longer he exists. Present was stronger than the past, and the future was stronger than the present.

That's how Natsuki Subaru worked.

Which was why those shadows created by his mind did not stand a chance.

The contact with her skin happens and-

Her face appears. The darkness was no more.

"Ha...ha...haaaa?" Subaru slowly loses control of his breath...was he even breathing until then? Did he even need that? It was almost as if something made him remember his humanity, his fragility. Subaru starts to breathe.

"NNhh...why?" Subaru asks.

"I love you," Satella answers without questioning what he might be asking.

To begin with, she never answered or communicated with Subaru ever. She only spoke of her love, nothing else. This was the same with Satella and with Envy. To begin with, to Subaru, who had modern knowledge, personality disorder didn't mean there are two existences in the body.

And that might be why she is-

"Why are you colorless! WHY!?" Rage. It was so potent that it made Satella react with a step back..

"I love you." But she recovered instantly. Her delusion was that strong. It was a way to protect herself from Subaru's emotions that she didn't want to feel.

"No... ! Not even a single drop of any color! Not even like Emilia. At least she had it for a while. No color whatsoever right away? Why?!" Subaru shouted like a madman. He shouted so hard that if he did this in his physical body, his vocal cords would be destroyed.

"..." The open disappointment, outright being compared, being disgusted. Satella gasped. Anyone could think of hundreds of reasons why Subaru would be disgusted by Satella, however for some reason, she herself believed he would never point his hostility at her.

Yet...

Whywhywhwyhwywhywhywyhwyhwhywhyhwhywhyhwhywhyhwhyhwyhwhywhyhwhywhyhwhwyh?!

Fear slowly finds him once again. Almost as if it didn't matter what he did. It would always find him. For a year, he tried to escape from this despair. Yet nothing worked.

"I fucking hate you! If you can't fucking calm me down, why the fuck are you even here?" Subaru spouts to her face.

Indeed. Subaru realizes. That was her purpose all along. Coincidentally they met back then, the first time, when Subaru killed himself by throwing himself from that cliff. Satella comforted him, that was what made him be able to ignore twins actions. Subaru decided to abuse that infinite source of love, hence why Satella could be in that dark place, appear when Subaru wishes her to…Hence why Subaru would not be able to speak his hate towards her in the tea party. But now…

That was it. The word 'hate' that couldn't be said towards Satella back then, left his mouth this time without any problem at this moment.

This was the truth. Whatever happened with old Natsuki Subaru, Satella failed miserably at being a partner or whatever they were. The current Natsuki Subaru loved her and was madly in love with her ever since they met in this garden of shadows. She was a beautiful woman, a half-elf with silver hair, who sang nothing but love for him. Natsuki Subaru didn't care about the shallowness of the situation since every time he was in that place, that meant a friend of his betrayed him, most of the time.

It was perfect. He would die, agonize and come to this place. To receive nothing but love. It wouldn't matter if he was rejected by Emilia or if something else happened. Subaru wouldn't be alone.

But love faded. No, it wasn't ever there, just like the colors he believed she had.

The purpose of the shadow that covered her face was so that Subaru could use her to move forward. She lost her use, so the shadow was lifted.

And the truth was revealed.

"I...love you."

"I despise you."

"I love you."

"You disgust me."

"I love you."

"..."

"I love you."

"..."

"I love you." That was what Natsuki Subaru deserved, the consequence of his choice. Result was standing in this emptiness with an emptier woman.

"..."

"I love you." Regardless of what would happen with Echidna, it wasn't a lie that a relationship with her would have much more possibilities.

"..."

"I love you." But he ran away. He couldn't make the right choice.

"..."

"I love you." There was no hope. He stood here with this thing when he could've at least had someone to speak to if he were in that endlessly green dream.

"..."

"I love you." He should kill himself. There is no other way to escape colorlessness. But one day, despair would come back.

And once again, the only way would be taking his own-

Crack.

A sound of something breaking apart...

Subaru turned towards the sound and there was-

A light?

In this place where there was nothing but darkness...

The light was coming out of the crack.

Crack

It got bigger...

"I..." Satella was hit by the light and instantly ejected from this place.

It also hit Subaru, but nothing happened.

The crack got bigger and bigger...so big that he could see that it was a gold energy beam shooting toward the sky.

There was not supposed to be left right or a 'sky' and yet...it was almost like the light itself gave meaning to this meaningless place.

"Oh...this."That's right. In his despair, he forgot. If he could remember, he wouldn't suffer this much after all...

The beam of light expanded towards all darkness with unimaginable speed.

Subaru tries to retain his body made out of the darkness, however, he loses to the temptation of the light. The relaxing feeling engulfs his body. He was being purified.

That's...

"...aru."

That's right.

"Su...a"

...

"Subaru!" He slowly regains his hearing.

And he opens his eyelids for salvation.

That's right.

"Subaru! Subaru! Stay with me, stay with Betty, Please!"

The bright, colorful salvation. Gold hair, teary eyes with real love and care. The colors.

That was what he had forgotten, death wasn't the only way.

There was hope. Not because there is life so that there might be hope like Echidna and Roswaal chanted.

There was hope…because even if there is no possibility for salvation, if you wish to be saved—

There is hope.


They were sitting beside the river.

"Are you better now, I suppose?"

"It's coming back...bit by bit. I just need you to stay like that." Subaru says with a bit of desperation.

The feeling of dread that finds him started after the things happened in the sanctuary. Amount of 'nothing' that he gained through his deaths and the things that he ignored since the beginning of his journey piled up and became too much for him to escape. No…perhaps it was because his ability was trying to make him go on a different path, after all, all he wanted was the ending.

And things can't end well if he keeps living like this. Natsuki Subaru won't be satisfied.

Colorlessness always existed. Even before he arrived in this new world, this was a different level though.

"It really feels weird...for you to look at me that intently." Beatrice could feel Subaru's gaze on her back.

"It might be weird for you, but I am saved by it."

"That makes Betty more than happy, in fact. Though it's still uncomfortable."

Subaru's actions throughout each obstacle. Sometimes they gave him absolutely nothing. For example, Emilia didn't trust him after the things he did in the loot house. She told Puck to check his mind, basically violating his privacy. But Subaru didn't care about this...

But was that TRUTH? could he forget?

When he was killed by Rem or the fact that Ram watched him getting tortured and stopped him from talking for Rem.

Getting 'kissed' by Emilia, who thought it would give her a child. What if she had more knowledge on the matter?

Can you forget? Natsuki Subaru.

"Oh no...no. It's happening again..." Subaru says with despair, prompting Beatrice to be scared.

"Is there nothing I can do?!" Beatrice says. Willing to do anything.

"Well. Turn towards me." Subaru's request is rather simple compared to things that Beatrice would do for him right now. But he was completely honest. Which Beatrice also understood.

'Damn…things are getting worse. Now Satella is also useless and I can even remember that place…I remember every single time. Every time Natsuki Subaru tried to face away from the mistakes done to him by his friends, he bathed in that shallow love.'

Perhaps all of that meant things were beginning to change.

"What changes? What difference does this make?" Beatrice asked with an annoyed voice. She had a hard time believing that this helped Subaru. Yet she knew it did. After all, they lived this many times throughout the year.

"It is understandable that you are embarrassed by me looking at you intently. However, your eyes are even brighter than your back."

That's right. Beatrice was bright, and her eyes were beautiful.

Some people still have their color to this day. However, only Beatrice brightened Subaru's world. She was his only salvation. The despair would not stop without her...and when she wasn't nearby...

Subaru would choose the only other option. Death.

And sometimes, the dark determination inside of him wouldn't be satisfied with only one.

Death count increased even without an enemy.

"You know...others were terrified to see you like that. Vomit coming out of your mouth, spasming constantly."

"It...is too late isn't it?" Subaru asks hesitantly

"Don't ask me about their limits of escapism, I suppose" Beatrice speaks with anger towards their friends while using a Subaru-word.

"But this time, they saw you like that for the first time."

"Saw me how?"

"With genuine fear."

Beatrice declares while looking deeply into Subaru's eyes, however, he rejects it. This wasn't right.

"I am scared all the time. I don't know what you are talking about?"

"You are never scared I suppose. It is the truth...no matter how hard it is to believe. Neither death itself nor an enemy thousands of times stronger than you scare you. But you are terrified of yourself."

"..."

"They never saw you scared before, not like this. They probably thought they did. But now they saw this...they might realize many realities."

"..."

"But it might not be that bad, I suppose."

"How can that not be bad?!" Subaru says while raising his voice.

"They can help you. Be with you. Or...fail. Either way, you are better with it. If they can help you that is wonderful, even though I don't believe it will ever happen. And if they can't help you that is where it ends doesn't it?"

"They...might...fail...?" But Emilia—"

Subaru tries to justify something in his mind. However, Beatrice basically reads his thoughts.

"Even Emilia, in fact. There is no reason for her to be immune when it comes to—"

"HOW CAN SHE FAIL?" Subaru shouts. Enraged. But not at Beatrice…even if he thought he did.

"..." Beatrice is unphased. Just keep looking at him.

"When I was totally spent. I cried in Emilia's lap. She UNDERSTOOD me! She is the only reason I could come this far. When I was alone and helpless she helped me I...I...I..." Subaru trailed off. He can't continue for some reason.

Then he saw the disappointed expression on Beatrice's face which devastated him. No, that was how Subaru perceived it. Beatrice simply did her best to be there for him. There was no big expectancy nor instant change expected of Subaru.

But Subaru didn't perceive it that way.

"Do you listen to what comes out of your mouth?"

"..." He could do nothing but clench his fist.

"You are not understood at all, Subaru. Even Betty can't do that as much as Betty wishes. And you just say that SHE understands you?"

"..."

"Subaru, I need you to tell me why you are like this...Can you do that for me? I want nothing other than your own well-being, I suppose."

Why...Why am I like this?

I...I...

"You...don't know?" Beatrice said as he watched Subaru's ashamed face covered with tears while he was trying to find an answer. He was so embarrassed and disgusted with himself that he wanted to die once and for all.

He was just unable to change after all.

"Don't despair, Subaru."

"...If only it was that easy-"

"What comes out of your mouth isn't necessarily you," Beatrice said while smiling. It made Subaru feel warm...but he wasn't supposed to feel warm right now. It was time for agonizing self-reflection on how retarded he-

"Since it is not you, those words are meaningless. You don't need to feel bad thinking you are a hopeless person solely there to exist for someone."

"Huh?" Subaru was confused.

"Sometimes it doesn't matter what Subaru says."

"You don't need to make excuses for my sake-"

"It's not an excuse. It's the truth I suppose. Subaru who mindlessly says things with no thought behind and Subaru who takes care of me isn't the same. One isn't real, it is only something you use to hide or escape from something perhaps. This is your true sickness."

"..."

"I doubt it has anything to do with Emilia...and didn't you tell me before?" The words Subaru said…what he said?

"I am the source of my suffering" Beatrice repeated those words as Subaru remembered it. Perhaps Subaru didn't think the effects of him opening up to Beatrice, but in reality, Beatrice did not forget a moment of that time.

Perhaps he was trying to find another person to latch onto now Satella couldn't do a thing.

"..."

"It's all about you and no one else. Subaru is a wonderful person, that's why for Subaru to see that as well. You need to take care of this problem, in fact." Beatrice said as she got close to Subaru and wiped his tears while smiling positively.

She was smiling because she was there for him. That was a source of happiness for Beatrice.

"Of course, you don't need to do it alone. I am here after all."

"Best partner I can ask for."

"Hmph. Good that you know it. If not, I would show Betty's superiority to you. I don't think you will have the sleeping princess or the half-elf in your heart after that. You will have to wait for Beatrice-sama to choose someone for you." Beatrice said smugly. Though there was a hidden intent in those actions. Perhaps…she wouldn't mind a control like that.

"You know...if anyone called Rem with a joke name like that I would not be like this...I can't think of anyone who would get away with that without getting strangled by me." Subaru says casually.

"Well...I am built different, I suppose...And I wasn't sure either that you would react or not, I took a big risk." Beatrice said the second part rather seriously while making a wiping motion to her forehead. Subaru wasn't joking either, if Emilia said those words she would not be spared with some joke, not at all. Hence why he always stayed alone with Rem. But for some reason, Beatrice could get away with an offensive joke like that.

He didn't get angry with her because he felt no ill intent for Rem. Even if he did...he didn't know if he could get angry at Beatrice like that at all.

There was a time when Ram and Subaru visited Rem together.

Well, it ended with her getting choked for quite a long while.

She shouldn't have questioned his love for Rem. Luck would have it, he revealed himself to be a master when it comes to when consciousness was lost and life is extinguished, being able to precisely let her breathe as little as possible, keeping the session long without her losing consciousness.

She tried to kill him but he just happened to have this one spell that negated mana usage.

What a coincidence…after that, she was quite harmless. So he did an—

OOPSIE!

"Oh! I am fixed now!" Subaru realizes that despair has long left him. The despair was replaced with anger. In moments like this, the memory of a certain red oni helped him. Which was exactly why he was fine with how things were between them. Ram was the only person he was fine with showing…..a different side.

Though Subaru wonders…why did Ram keep coming back each time?

'She is also quite colorful…thankfully, she doesn't mind me looking at her. Best time to do it is when her face is bright red from thinking about the clown…'

With that aside!

"AAAAAAAAH! BEAKO! I LOVE YOU!" Subaru uses his Beako special, Aishiteru while hugging and spinning with her.

"OYYOYOYOYOOY! Hiyaa! SLOW DOWN!" Beatrice frantically struggles yet she is happy.

Their frantic moment ended when they finally finished celebrating Subaru getting saved by Beatrice once again.

How many times has this happened? It definitely surpassed ten at this point, that's for sure.

"..." As for the times he had to...die. He didn't want to think about it.

"Subaru..." Beatrice called out to him as she held his hand.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Natsuki Subaru may have lost a chance to hold someone's hand by making the wrong choice. However, that didn't mean he was alone.

Yes, he wasn't alone at all. To begin with, losing Echidna wasn't fatal, however if he lost Beatrice…or couldn't establish this closeness…

"I love you too."

He wouldn't be so peaceful to others.


Beatrice and Subaru slowly traveled toward Kiritaka's company. Subaru somewhat remembered where it was thanks to his studies.

Beatrice asked if it wouldn't be a problem if they are late. Subaru eased her worries. Otto and Emilia time and time again rejected, made excuses, and many other things to prevent him from joining deals and talks.

This was just an opportunity for them.

"I am a bit angry that they think Subaru would be a bother, in fact! So stupid." Beatrice said with a fed-up voice. She didn't know enough to consider Subaru an asset in any negotiation at some point but she knew that he gathered so many people together to fight against enemies. He was good at talking. And with how versatile he was, surely he had other skills that would help in such tasks.

And that was in the past. Current Beatrice knew that Subaru was a genius in politics. Of course, some of that came from the fact that he was from Earth which she didn't know. But even if one excluded that effect, Subaru would still be a strategic man who never lost his calm.

"It bothers me too. Emilia might be a pretty princess with political power, Otto is a merchant with insane connections and Garfiel is a powerful bodyguard however I can-" Subaru stopped his words as he heard something.

It was...music?

As he stopped to listen, he saw Beatrice beside him slowly walking towards the voice...

"Beatrice," Subaru calls out to her but she doesn't react.

He follows her cautiously.

They arrived at a park where a bunch of people gathered around someone who played an instrument and sang simultaneously.

'Whoa...it's almost like drawing me towards listening to it.' Indeed. People around him were obediently listening to the song.

Song was about a story or something he guessed.

Well, he didn't care. Any relaxation was acceptable. Being relaxed meant finding peace, and Subaru didn't have that enough.

Peace.

'For some reason...it did fade. And now it feels disturbing...weird.'

The time passed as he focused on how she played and why it was so good...yet no answer came with his observation. The way she played was experienced but that was it. Her voice was good but it was almost like she didn't train for it...

Unnatural, Subaru rejects that weird touch in his mind.

The fake peace faded.

"Oh, Whatever." This was probably the Songstress everyone talked about. Anastasia talked about her. But he was bored now. The weird interference was too weak for him to consider a threat so…he wouldn't act upon that.

Perhaps gaining her here might be useful to the negotiation but Subaru shouldn't interfere, he isn't wanted there after all.

"Beatrice, we are leaving." He called out to her and then...

Songstress stops as if it was unnatural for someone to speak while she was singing.

"What was I doing?""I...how long since I've been here?""It can't be helped, it was too good.""Seriously, I would wait here until night if I could" "Yes, it was that good."

The people started to snap out of it as Subaru simply told Beatrice they should leave. It isn't that Subaru did anything wrong.

However, it didn't matter if he did anything wrong or not because-

""-Don't do thoughtless things."" Even when he could read the mood. Natsuki Subaru couldn't bring himself to care. This was an open space after all. He did nothing wrong. Beatrice was acting weird too...

One of the women approached him and lifted her foot as much as she could to step on Subaru's foot.

Subaru knew where this was going... his getting pointlessly beaten wasn't uncommon in this new world, unfortunately.

However-

"Eepp!" The good-looking blond woman missed her mark as Subaru moved his foot a bit without lifting it, then with a swing of his leg, he made the woman fall.

As if things didn't turn out how they expected, the woman on the ground and the people there were shocked.

"Who do you think you are...you are..." The woman started to say something with anger but both her anger and the sentence itself died as her gaze reached Subaru's face.

He was looking at her like a piece of filth.

"If you don't get up and instead choose to talk I am the man who will step on your pretty face," Subaru says without giving a fuck. This type of comical situation, he no longer accepted to get hurt for that. Assuming he let this go on, others around would follow after gaining courage from her.

Why did he have to bother with this kind of crap when he was already unstable?

He did not.

He was strong enough to take many people even if he didn't use any tricks or Beatrice. He knew how to fight without being armed and he did gain some strength. Even with the demi-humans around he could no doubt make them feel pain if they were mad enough to go against him.

Yet, they just left the place.

One of them is brave, and all of them are brave.

One of them is a coward, and all of them are cowards.

In this world, it worked simply as this. No, this was the same even on Earth.

"Aaah that's embarrassing! Sorry for that. I just got inspired and did what I always do and then people were here." The Songstress wasn't how Subaru expected. She was short, similar to Rem in height, wore indecent clothing that revealed a good portion of her gifted chest and she had twintails, but Subaru didn't find her cute with the way she spoke.

"Sorry, Subaru...It was an embarrassing moment." Beatrice talked to him.

"No worries, I do not believe something like this would happen if it was anything hostile, correct?" Subaru said as he ignored Songstress.

"Exactly, in fact!" Beatrice says with regained confidence. Subaru wasn't making excuses for her anyway. He was being truthful.

He believed that if there was a danger it was more likely that Beatrice would sense hostility. But perhaps she couldn't? The effect of a manipulative ability could be dominant for others while very easy to shrug off for him.

In any case, it wouldn't end well for anyone to control Beatrice while he exists. He didn't like the song for reasons of his own but if Beatrice liked it, it was fine.

"Ah! This! Inspiration! The forbidden love with a tremendous age gap!"

"Nonononono! You got it totally wrong." Perhaps he shouldn't even take such comments seriously...however it was a reflex that he denied it instantly. Like a normal person.

'Being unreactive to that kind of understanding would look really bad.'

"But...didn't Subaru say he loved me...just a while ago?" Beatrice said with a crushed expression...but no, Subaru could see that teasing monster who was trolling him.

"No! This is not something to make a joke about!" Subaru said with a flustered expression. What was this uncomfortable situation!?

"So you say you didn't say those words."

"That's..." A moment of hesitation was all needed for misunderstanding.

"...Ah...The inspiration got greater!"

"HEY! It shouldn't get greater at all! To begin with, it is not a lie that we have a great age difference, but that's because she is 402 years old! A loli-granny, in fact!"

"Hey! Don't say rude things!" Beatrice says without considering her atrocious joke.

"Well...anyways. We are going." And then they leave.

...

"Wait...Wait a minute!" Then this girl appears in front of them again. As she hops in front of Subaru he can see her breast get jumpy.

'This girl…is a pain…in ass. Ass?' His eyes weren't looking anywhere indecent anyways.

"My name is Liliana! The free-spirited bard. I am perhaps mistaking but...well...the little girl, the black hair, the inconsiderate way of acting. Could that be?! You are Natsuki Subaru-sama!" When her sentence ended, it wasn't even a question.

"Yes, yes. My name is Natsuki Subaru, nice to meet you. Then you are the Songstress right?"

"Ah...I don't like that name at all. If people thought I called myself that they would think I am arrogant. But you..." Liliana was lost in thought for a moment but then...

"You are the Natsuki Subaru, the man who ridiculed the knights, self-proclaimed himself as one, got beaten, and then when he came back...you literally planned a hunt for one of the Great Mabeast. Yet it didn't end there, it was all for the sake of defeating the Sin Archbishop of Sloth. To crush your rumored nemesis and take revenge, you literally killed the White Whale just to prepare against him! Killing White Whale alone changed the world, the economy got better for all nations because merchants moved faster but that's not even the end of it. You killed a Sin Archbishop. That never happened in history! The story of witch hunts, and the dragons, but never Sin Archbishops! Not a single one. And you did with no power at all, nothing. You are the one and only hero that never existed before. It's almost like you are a walking singularity. The story of this world bends because of your presence, the enemies get pulled to you and yet you survive. Just a week later the rumors about you killing the Great Rabbit surfaces even though it's unproven...Oh, don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe you have done it. So many people tried to find any trace of Rabbits, but after getting close to the western territory they just disappeared without ever appearing for a month...It was you. Just in a matter of a week, you destroyed the four hundred years-long stagnation, you annihilated the standstill. Ever since I knew myself I was cursed at the fact that I wasn't born 400 years ago but then you appeared... the absolute legend who will never appear again. There is only one of you and no way you could ever comprehend how much I am grateful to you. I AM YOUR ABSOLUTE BIGGEST FAN PLEASE LET ME TRAVEL WITH YOU!"

Liliana said, while trying to look composed and charming.

"What the..." Subaru was overwhelmed, there wasn't much that could overwhelm the man who died many times…and yet it happened, Liliana didn't stop because of that though. No! She only saw this as an opening!

"You like little girls don't you...I am not a little girl so that's a shame and I am not blessed with a beautiful body like the girls you have! Other men won't like this but Natsuki Subaru-sama! Yes! Please take me as your bride, I am okay with being a member of the harem, yes, a mistress EHgh?-"

Before she could finish that sentence a blast of wind pushed her roughly.

"Perverts like you...For a year I had a perfect record for never letting him see any unworthy pests like you. Now because of you..." Beatrice slipped up a scary fact but Subaru was too sad to hear it.

"The first marriage proposal I got...WHY ALL OF MY FIRST TIMES ARE SO BAD!?" Subaru holds his head between his hands and questions his misfortune. His first kiss was stolen by Emilia without his consent. He was still affected by that time, and couldn't help but think about what she would do if she knew about how babies are made.

He rejected the first confession he received because he wasn't ready for accepting super strong love like that. He rejected it in a worse way. However thankfully that girl wasn't affected by it, yes, Rem was unrelenting and strong. IF, she were awake Subaru wouldn't be single right now. He himself didn't believe he could endure Rem's love, nor he wanted to.

His first confession remained unanswered. While the receiver still thinks of him as a child.

"Huh. Wasn't bad as I expected. I imagined you would just accept it in fact!" While Subaru was suffering Beatrice voiced her shock.

"I am not that desperate! Nor can I handle such responsibility yet!" 'Though I wouldn't define her body as 'underdeveloped, she is talking about what?'

"Betty can sense your indecent thoughts though…"

'You are a little girl that will stay as a little girl eternally. You have no 6th sense which all women possess'

"Did you think something rude?"

"No."

"You said all of that aloud."

"Ha…hahahaha, please don't wind me." She was glaring hard.

The situation itself was ridiculous...but Subaru wondered if Liliana was dead. He wasn't willing to save a random stranger for no reason with his Return By Death. However, he would have to take responsibility if Beatrice just took a life like this.

Whether that be with Return by Death or another way like healing-

"Phew! I survived!" Liliana instantly gets up.

"That's good."

"Ah! Natsuki Subaru-sama is worried about my well-being! THIS HAS TO BE A DREAM!"

After actually making sure that she is alright. They talked a bit.

"Kiritaka-san? Ah. That guy...well, I can take you there if you want. Actually, I am quite close to that guy...more than I wanted to be." While this was a good opportunity. Subaru didn't feel good about how Liliana seemed serious…Was this Kiritaka guy bothering her—-

"Subaru...you know the way! So there is absolutely no need whatsoever for her to-"

"She can come." 'I didn't like how she sounded there…'

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY!?" Beatrice shouted in disbelief…could it be that his second brain down below took control?

'NO! It's not you…It's not you…Betty doesn't accept this slutty pest in fact! SHE WILL CHOSE A PURE MAIDEN FOR SUBARU! SHE WILL AT LEAST BE EQUAL IN PURITY TO MY MOTHER I SUPPOSE!'

…Beatrice thought, innocently.

"Ah...the new girl defeats the old one, a stolen throne! The biggest inspiration, I-"

"But no singing for now, and saying other provocative stuff, I can't keep holding her." Subaru says as he snatches her instrument, the lyulyre.

"Ah! How cruel! I can't live without that, please don't!" As Liliana protested, Subaru started to pull the strings. And then-

"W...hat? You...you are actually good." Liliana was shocked and started to get magically captured by Subaru's song. Whether it was because of his song or the fact that HE was capable of playing a song. It was debatable.

"I love it when he reveals talents like this I suppose...but this is the worst time for it, in fact. Absolutely the worst time, you dense Subaru!" Beatrice complains as she decides to just listen to Subaru's song and ignore that another bothersome person was about to be connected to Subaru. Unfortunately, she was already in love with him…

At the very least, Beatrice could hear Subaru sing, It was a nice song. The type that would be extra good to listen to beside a campfire. So far she only listened to his whistles and hummings. Which was therapeutic

She will make sure that he sings for her when they camp in the forest. Without this annoying pest or any other.

Yes, that was a good idea.


As I said in the new summary, Liliana isn't Tappei's barely hidden fetish…HERE SHE IS MY BARELY HIDDEN FETISH!

Jokes aside. I didn't want to write her as it is. Kind of boring to me more than annoying. Also didn't want her to be loli so now she is just in the petite, short range with boobs and ass. Because why not? And dunno if you caught it but yeah, there are problems with her and Subaru caught that. He didn't like her music because of her DP bothering him but he is worried about the way she talked about Kiritaka.

And yes, Subaru's problem is revealed. All deaths that he couldn't accept, every betrayal that he ignored and so much more caught up to him in a very superior panic attack where he in fact suffers like hell and would rather die in painful ways.

Everytime Subaru forgets an ally, killing him like nothing, it piles up.

Everytime Subaru doesn't vent, it piles up.

Emilia ignores his suffering? He can't fault Emilia…so those negative feelings also disappear…into there.

Rem killed him? Right there. Rem died too much for him? Right there.

Frederica worked with Roswaal and now forgives him easily? He either becomes scary…or just hides it inside.

Ram…well, it was like everyone else. But she realized that unlike everyone and poked him. And he, for the first time in his life perhaps, exploded. Ram's unnatural acceptance into matter and Subaru's dark pleasure and relief he gets. He is addicted to it. Some dark shit went on for a long time between the two…but unless I continue this fic after arc 5, it won't be explored.

All of that and the fact that he can no longer see what is the ending for him, what Return By Death targets and that's the purpose…this type of suffering happens to him because he can no longer accept just a good ending for everyone and be satisfied with that.

I can easily say that if any of the waifus can help him enough with this they win regardless how much Subaru loves the others. It would be such a relief that the amount of love wouldn't matter in Subaru's perspective, that is if he doesn't instantly love his savior more than others.

And yes, now that Satella can't help him. Subaru remembers Shadow Garden, no point of forgetting anymore. He instinctively let that habit go.

As for Beatrice, she is the only one stopping Subaru from going to some dark path and saves him each time he has these despair and panic attacks. In fact, if Beatrice wasn't enough or wasn't that close to Subaru, I can see Subaru starting to go very dark. And let me say it, if I ever write a WHAT IF, like that then Ram would be the waifu, or perhaps Subaru would be bothered enough to just kill himself and go back to sanctuary to take Echidna. But Ram route with that one.

Oh and when Beatrice wasn't there? As mentioned in the chapter. Subaru killed himself. Sometimes more than once. In this 1 year, Subaru never died to an enemy even though he faced some. It was always suicide. Loops were also big, so in social events Subaru carried himself with even more charisma and mystery that only few in Emilia camp sensed. The only reason he is unaware of the sheer amount of marriage proposals is that Beatrice makes campfire from them while looking smugly at fire.

Might wanna write a fic with that concept lol.

Anyways…as always, 8 days later the new chapter will come!

Have a good day.