Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer
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Where the Lines Overlap
Season 1 - Stuck on You
Lost in the echo
Two years before...
I was shaking so much I could barely walk. My head was pounding unmercifully but I had to be strong, I had to endure it like a man.
Why had I planned to surprise her? And why did I get into her house unannounced?
Because I was stupid. And that had been a fucking stupid idea.
Images of Alice screaming James' name, their bodies connected, moving profusely, invaded my mind. It was like a punch in the gut.
I shook my head violently, getting immediately dizzy.
"Just another block…" I said to myself while looking ahead. "I'm almost there."
Soon I was in front of the familiar wooden gate that shielded the light blue house that I felt as my second home. I went in as I'd always done, using the hidden spare key put behind a loose brick for my benefit. I rushed up the stairs and ran to his room as soon as I passed the front door. I opened his door feeling the tears sliding along my cheeks.
Edward jumped out of his bed, startled by the door being slammed open, letting a book fall from his hands onto the mattress as soon as I crossed the door sill and stood there, panting and kinda crying.
"What happened?" He was in front of me in a flash.
A sob escaped from my throat in a trembling sound. I couldn't hold off anymore.
I let the crying break loose. I walked unsteadily to his bed, sat, rested my head on my knees, embraced my legs, and cried.
Soon I felt him beside me and his hand on my back, making comforting circles.
"She was fucking James!" I practically screamed through the ridiculous sobs. "She didn't even see me when I opened the door!"
He said nothing and I kept angrily crying.
"How could she do that to me? She said she loved me over and over, she made me believe she was in love with me!" My hands went to my hair and I started to pull the curls with anger. "I hate myself!" I snarled and stood up, roughly rubbing my face to dry the stupid tears. "How could I be so stupid?"
"You weren't stupid…" Edward's voice was compassionate and soothed me. "You're just… in love. It's normal to get a little... lenient when you love someone."
"Lenient?" I asked a little confused by his choice of words. "You mean I've been permissive? I've never thought she would do that to me, I've never noticed anything, how could I've been permissive?"
"I'm sorry, Jay. But you're kind of… too… indulgent with her." He was talking in such a careful way that it made me uneasy. "You let her command you."
"Command me?" My voice was a little outraged.
"Alice controls you. She tells you what to do and you do it in the exact way she wants you to." The way he was speaking was uncommon, he had this slight indignation showing in his eyes and voice.
"She's my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do, counter her? And what does it have to do with her betrayal?"
He took a deep breath before answering.
"She has you under a leash." Again he spoke carefully. I cringed a little, not wanting to admit it but realizing that was true. "She can do anything and you still run to her as she enters a room."
"What are you trying to say?"
"That you gave her space and confidence to do that." He shrugged.
"You're saying that this is my fault?!" The shock was clear in my tone.
He heaved a sigh and put his head in his hands for a brief while. Then he ran his hand through his hair and looked at me with this weirdly defeated gaze.
"No, Jazz. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying that, if you had paid a little more attention to the way she treated you, and the way she really is, instead of allowing her to make you her puppet, you would have noticed it before."
"Notice what before?"
He looked at me pointedly and shrugged, and my stomach immediately churned.
I huffed a humorless laugh, trying to convince myself I had understood that wrongly.
"She's never betrayed me before."
It hadn't been a question, I was just wanting to reaffirm my conviction. But as I looked at Edward to find the reassurance I so desperately needed, my heart constricted. He wasn't looking at me anymore.
"This wasn't the first time…" The sentence slipped through my lips without my conscious permission.
Edward's eyes didn't return to mine, but they were suddenly sorrowful.
I went back to the bed and sat by his side heavily. I released a weighted breath and tried to endure the ache in my chest as my eyes roamed unfocused.
"That's not possible." I murmured. "I would've noticed something… wouldn't I?"
The silence was so thick and eloquent that there was no need for words.
"She's done this before?" I asked in a whisper, although the answer was obvious. I looked at Edward in despair.
I'd never expected his reaction to be so expressive, but all of a sudden he looked so oddly guilty…
His gaze was hesitant as he looked at the wall in front of us before he released a heavy breath. My stomach churned weirdly, a foreign instinct rising in my guts as it dawned on me.
"You knew." I stated, and then the horrible feeling of betrayal was directed not at Alice anymore, but at him. "Y-you knew?!"
When he closed his eyes and pursed his lips my heart skipped a beat, and then I understood that the assimilation of that truth was a thousand times harder than accepting that Alice had cheated on me.
I got away from his side as if I had been pushed. I took a deep breath to try to center myself, but consternation overpowered me.
"How could you do that to me?! You're supposed to be my best friend!" My voice came up loud and angry.
Edward was startled as he looked at me with wide eyes.
"I was…" He tried but I cut him off.
"You knew she's been cheating on me and never said a thing?! Couldn't you have warned me?" My tone was beyond harsh and my whole body was trembling. "What kind of friend are you? Did you have fun watching me making a fool of myself?!"
"What?! No! I was just…" He tried again, coming up to me.
But I walked backward, getting away from him.
"You let me be deceived so you could come up in the end and say 'I told you so'?"
"I would never do such a…" He rushed through the words.
"You never liked her, and you never accepted that I was with her even though you hate her." I hurled at him, making him flinch and effectively shutting him up. "Why am I surprised? You can never be countered, you're never wrong, and you have to have the last word in everything because you're the brilliant Edward Cullen, nobody knows better than you!"
I stood there in front of him, panting and glaring while his face contorted in awe.
"How can you even say these things...?" He asked in a broken whisper. "I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose."
I ignored how glossy his eyes were and the distant voice in my head saying I was way out of line. I also ignored how much I was being driven by the distress caused by the situation as a whole.
"You just did." I said sternly. "You knew about Alice but you never said anything…" He opened his mouth to say something, but I just raised my voice. "You could've prevented this whole shit from happening with just a simple warning!"
"You wouldn't have listened to me…" He mumbled.
"Why didn't you try?!"
"You really think I didn't?!" His voice rose a little, triggering me.
We started arguing through broken statements, speaking at the same time and yelling at each other wildly.
"I know you didn't! If you had said something…"
"I tried to tell you, Jasper!" He cut me off, speaking louder than I had. "I tried a thousand times! You simply never listen!"
"Then you didn't try hard enough!" I tried to outspeak him.
"I did, but you're so damn blind you cannot see an elephant in front of your nose!" He shouted, shutting me up effectively with his enraged stance.
We glared at each other, panting and trembling, drowned in a heavy angry silence…
"I hate you." I let the words escape impulsively.
Edward flinched and gasped, his expression morphing from furious to hurt in a blink.
I felt my heart cracking and I gasped too. I regretted those words as soon as they were out, 'cause they were so not true...
"Edward, I'm sorry." I rushed through the words. "I'm sorry, that's not…"
But he hurried out of his room before I could finish my sentence.
After that, Edward spent some time avoiding me, and since I was totally aware of my responsibility in our fight, I didn't hover. But eventually, I missed him too much so I went to him and apologized. He, being his collected levelheaded self, forgave me easily, without even blinking, but strongly advised me to stay away from Alice. I promised I had learned my lesson, and asked him to make a pact with me.
And then we promised not to hide anything from each other ever again.
.
.
.
The thing about heartbreak is that the pain makes you stupid, so it makes you do stupid things.
After my conversation with Edward, I just walked away kinda blindly. I wanted to get outta there and hide, possibly spend the next day buried under covers in my room while ruminating about the ache in my chest and helplessness in my mind but… next thing I know, I was in the backyard, in front of the pool and all my friends.
I realized then how disturbed I was. I should have gone in the opposite direction and avoided all the curious glances directed at me at that moment.
I spotted Bella, sitting with my beloved sister, Jacob, and Emmet on the pool border. She had this anxious, worried glint in her eyes. The others just seemed puzzled.
I kinda panicked. I felt terrified as if everybody knew what I'd been hiding.
I was dreading the idea of being there among them. I could not face them. I didn't want them to know what had just happened between me and Edward, what was happening between him and Rosie… I wasn't ready to deal with that.
I had to get away, but I was stuck on the spot.
"Jazzy." I heard the familiar voice and looked promptly to my side.
Suddenly I knew exactly what to do.
I rushed to her and took one of her wrists impulsively.
"Take me outta here." I spluttered.
Alice nodded immediately, taking my hand and pulling me with her.
I didn't look at my friends. I knew they would be even more puzzled by my unusual behavior, after all, I avoided being alone with Alice at all costs, usually barely speaking to her. But I looked back at the porch, before turning on the corner of the house, just to confirm what my instincts were telling me.
Edward was there, staring at me and Alice.
.
.
.
What time is it?
I was in a bed, in a room… A familiar room.
Where am I?
I couldn't remember… I closed my eyes.
"Feel better?" The soft voice forced me to open my eyes again.
I sighed and looked to the side.
This is Alice's room. What am I doing here?
I realized I was in her bed. I looked at her. She was lying by my side.
Shit!
I didn't need to check down the sheets to confirm that I wasn't wearing my jeans, or that Alice was just as naked as I was.
You're so stupid, Jasper!
Shit, shit, shit! Fucking damn hell!
Everything came back in a rush.
She'd taken me to the Backdoor. Sally had let us in and I drank a lot. I started to ramble about how hurt I was and then… Alice hugged me. Apparently, She was trying to comfort me and I felt so shitty that I let her… and then we were kissing.
She was the one who suggested we came here… but I didn't stop her when she kissed me again and started taking my clothes off. I let her… and then I took the lead.
"It was different this time around." She spoke suggestively. "I didn't know you could be so… domineering."
Suddenly I wanted to bash my head on the wall…
"What time is it?" I asked plainly.
She looked calmly at her watch.
"Fifteen to two".
"Holy shit!" I panted. "My father will kill me!"
My curfew wasn't suspended just because my father was traveling. He'd usually call by eight just to make sure Rosalie and I were home, having dinner with Mom. He would be aware of my absence by then and I was utterly fucked.
I pushed away the sheet and got up in a hurry as if the world was falling apart, almost falling flat on the floor while trying to rush into my clothes.
"What are you doing?" Alice asked as I zipped up my jeans.
"I need to go home. I was supposed to be there by eight…" I answered while putting on my shoes.
"Your mother knows you're here. No need for panic."
I straightened up and looked at her hastily.
"She knows I'm here?" I asked skeptically.
"Uh-huh, as well as Emmet and Edward."
The mention of his name, much more than the notion that he knew I'd been in Alice's house (room, bed!), kind of shook me.
"Care to elaborate?" I mostly demanded.
She shrugged and smiled devilishly, and I remembered why I had nicknamed her pixie demon.
"As soon as we… you know… finished, you passed out. I tried to wake you up but you were completely out. So I called your mother and said you had a terrible stomachache, and that I had given you medicine that would make you sleep for some hours." She winked at me. "She asked if you were alright and I confirmed, then I said I thought it would be better for you to stay here. She thanked me and asked me to take care of you. Some hours later your father called from camp to check if you were better and I said you were still sleeping. He thanked me." She smiled. "I think he still likes me." She said with enthusiasm.
I frowned. Yeah, he still liked her. He often asked me why I had broken up with her. I never exposed my shame… But so I could understand how easily he was convinced by her lies. I'd also been once…
"What about Emm and Edward?" I sat on the bed by her side. My voice was strained.
She sighed happily, seeming too content. It made me restless.
"They were here something like an hour ago…" She spoke with such joy, I knew she was up to something.
"Here in your room? Why?"
"Emm came to ask me to tell something to our parents." She told me calmly, shrugging again.
"So they saw me." I mumbled unhappily.
"Yep!"
I bent my head, feeling not only upset but also ashamed. Edward knew I'd had sex with Alice, which was screaming proof of my weakness.
I didn't want anyone thinking I was a damn lovesick morron that even after all she had done to me I would run to her bed in the first opportunity. Especially not Edward.
I sighed thinking how disappointed in me he was by then.
It doesn't matter anyway. That ship's sailed.
Who am I kidding? I still care. It doesn't matter I have no chance with him. I don't want him to think I'm an idiot.
All of a sudden Alice's hands were on my face, forcing me to look at her. I shivered involuntarily.
"Should we get back to what we were doing earlier?" She actually giggled. And I controlled another shiver.
"Alice, this was a mistake." I cut her off coldly. "A regrettable mistake. I shouldn't have gone out with you in the first place."
I held her hands, took them off my face, and stood up. She sighed.
"Don't pretend you didn't enjoy it." She squinted. "You've never been so into it before. Even your sounds were more…"
"Spare me, please." I cut her off again. "I was outta my mind."
"You wanted me." She countered while getting up and stepping closer. "And I know you still do."
"I have to go." I said ignoring her and picking up my shirt on the nightstand.
"You don't. We still have the whole night, pumpkin…" Alice whined while I was putting the shirt on and getting to the door.
I had to gather all my willpower to prevent myself from snapping at her when she held my wrist.
"We have the house to ourselves. My parents won't arrive until six and Emmet just went camping with Edward."
I looked at her barely controlling the surprise caused by the information, but finally letting my despise for her show.
"I want nothing with you, Alice." I said simply, in a calm tone. "I simply used you. Don't fool yourself."
"I know it's never gonna be this simple between you and me, Jazzy…" She replied, arrogant. "I know you still have feelings for me. You can deny all you want, and pretend you're so over me… 'cause I know the truth. You proved it to me just some hours ago" Her stance, as her tone and her facial expression guaranteed me she really believed in what she was saying.
Poor Alice. She had no idea of how far from the truth she was.
I chuckled once before shaking my head.
"Go ahead and think whatever you want, Candy." I spoke wryly making use of my former nickname for her. "I couldn't care less."
And that said I got out of her room and hurried out of the house.
Of course, I got really angry at myself once I realized I'd left my bike at Edward's house and I was good two miles away from mine.
"Fucking shit!" I spoke to myself, walking on the sidewalk with my hands in my pockets.
And as I walked, I couldn't avoid the flood of recent memories…
Edward and Rosalie kissing…
I closed my eyes and roared to the empty dark silent street.
It hurt so much I could punch something.
I knew I had hurt him too, and I hated it. He shouldn't have to feel he was wrong for liking my sister and being with her… he shouldn't have to feel like he had to hide their relationship from me… it wasn't his fault he didn't feel for me the same way I felt for him…
I also hated that he was disappointed in me… he was the one that helped me pick up my pieces after my break up with Alice… he was the one that fought, even with me, to open my eyes… he made me promise, and I made that promise… and then I broke it so easily, and he knew it…
"Stop thinking!" I screamed at myself as I quickened my step.
I entangled my fingers in my hair, pulling the locks with force, trying to find another pain to numb the one in my chest. But it didn't matter what I did, the anguish was there, throbbing, not letting me forget that Edward would never reciprocate my feelings.
It took me 35 minutes, and some tears, to finally get to my neighborhood. It was two-forty in the morning and I was not only tired and sad, but also impatient. I needed my room, my bed, my pillow…
"Five more blocks…" I murmured to myself.
I wasn't going to Edward's house, I was going to my own. But as soon as white fences came into sight ten meters from me I shivered, and I was sure it wasn't due to the cold breeze.
As I neared the front of the so well-known house, I glanced at his window, even though I was berating myself for that. I'd said I needed time.
The lights were off. I stopped.
"What the hell are you doing?" I admonish myself, but I never resumed walking.
He wasn't home. I remembered Alice saying that Emmet had gone camping with him.
Suddenly I felt annoyed. It bothered me to think that he was camping with someone else other than me.
I closed my eyes, feeling so stupid… I was jealous of anyone who could be around him when I couldn't, but not being able to be around him then had been my choice…
I shook and bent my head as I felt my stomach constrict. I tried to push everything away. Then I thought with some satisfaction that Mr. and Mrs. C were sleeping by that time. So I thought it wouldn't hurt anybody if I went into the house to take my bike.
I couldn't admit it, but truthfully I just wanted to go in and feel somehow a bit connected to Edward. Kinda sick, huh?
I took a deep breath, took the hidden spare key, opened the gate, and went straight to the garage, walking silently and fast to its outer door. I couldn't hear anything from inside the house, and all the lights were off, so I felt safe enough to take my bike and head away. But of course, it wouldn't be so easy.
I blinked my eyes repeatedly as the lights went on.
"Jazz?" His voice was soft but made me jump anyway. "What are you doing here? I thought you were... had left with Alice." I noticed his last-minute correction and understood perfectly what he was thinking.
I turned hesitantly, thinking "I thought you had gone camping with Emmett"... but I didn't voice that. Even if I'd had the guts to do so, I couldn't have, 'cause Edward's face caught me off guard.
His eyes were puffy and reddish. He had small pink dots all over his cheeks and his nose tip was blushed. It didn't happen often, but I knew those features well enough to tell… he had cried. And not just a little.
My stomach fluttered. Had I hurt him that bad?!
"I came back just for my bike." I answered him in a low unstable tone.
He just nodded.
I knew I should go, and I wanted to but something was holding me in place. I couldn't move.
We were staring at each other and I couldn't look away from Edward's gloomy eyes. So I parted my lips… I wanted to take back my words, to tell him I didn't need time, I didn't want to stay away from him. And I would have said all that if he hadn't looked down and sighed, breaking the connection that was feeding my impulse.
A heavy exhalation came out of me involuntarily.
"I should… go." It kinda came out as a question.
Something glinted in Edward's face and I thought it was a tear. I couldn't be sure, though… he turned away from me while nodding and shaking his left hand in goodbye.
I left without another word. I hopped up on my bike and rode out of there as fast as I could.
I started questioning if I could keep being his friend.
I knew it was ridiculous to question our friendship, the bond we had forged together from childhood, but I simply didn't have the strength to see him and my sister together… and also… I knew he would never feel the same way for me, and that hurt too fucking much.
Reality was… In the end, we could never be together anyway. Even if he felt for me what I was feeling for him, my family, my father, would never understand, much less accept, even if his family did. So there wasn't another option for me besides… letting him go… and trying to overcome my feelings. I didn't know how to do those but I had to. And I could never do that around him.
I pedaled harder, faster. I pedaled standing, pushing my leg muscles and my speed to their limits because I wanted to get home quickly. I wanted to sleep. I wanted that day and all that shit that went on in it to be over.
Soon I arrived at my front yard, but I didn't halt. I dropped the bike anyway on the grass and walked calmly to the porch. I didn't want to alert anyone in the house.
As I got in, I felt suddenly numb. This weird, almost unreal placidity taking over me. I went through the motions, climbing the stairs as if nothing had happened, as if it was a regular night after an ordinary day.
I was expecting some pain. It would be natural for me to be sad at that point, after all, I'd just had my heart broken. It would be perfectly understandable if I rued a little.
But there was simply nothing there. I was actually feeling… empty.
I opened the door to my room. I think my mother came out of hers to see me but I didn't acknowledge her. I wasn't thinking… I was just moving…
I started taking off my clothes, letting them fall on the floor while getting to my bathroom. I stepped into the shower stall and then I looked blankly at the shower knob for a long time. At some point, I turned on the shower and cleaned. I washed my hair and stood under the water spray for some minutes with my eyes closed.
The darkness was comfortable.
Grey specks… crystal light blue orbs… and a glistening diamond tear...
I opened my eyes.
I sighed, feeling cold. Not physically cold… cold on the inside.
I shook my head and turned off the shower. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around my hips, I stepped out of the stall. I went back into my bedroom with my mind completely blank.
I looked around. Something was so wrong but I didn't know what it was… The room felt strangely inhospitable. It was missing something… or maybe it was just me. I felt hollow… I felt anesthetized.
I sighed forcefully, uncomfortable with the weird sensation of numbness blended with emptiness.
I walked almost automatically to my closet, opening the louvered doors and entering without really paying attention to what I was doing. I pulled the first sleep pants I could find from the bottom shelf. I discarded the towel on the floor and put the pants on, raising my arm to the top shelf right after, to pick up a shirt. It was unusual for me to sleep with one, but I was still feeling the weird cold sensation inside me… and even though I suspected the shirt wouldn't solve the problem, it wouldn't hurt to try.
As I grabbed a shirt and pulled it to me, something fell from above, hitting my right shoulder lightly before reaching the carpet.
I looked at it absently, not really intending to pick up whatever had fallen.
But then the brown and red colors, and the bear paw on the side, raised and held my attention. I couldn't ignore the simple but also so significant object.
I bent down, immediately feeling something bubbling in my chest. I grabbed the cap slowly, trying hard not to think about the moment it was given to me, or about the person who gave it to me.
But it was useless… I could never avoid such a thing.
I exhaled heavily, feeling my throat constrict. My chest tightened and I couldn't breathe.
I sat on the carpeted floor, clasping the cap. I couldn't avert my eyes from the damn thing, even though I was trying pretty hard to.
"You're a Bear now."
I could practically hear his voice, the joy and pride so clear in his tone.
"Who could've known that my skinny shy best friend would become a brilliant basketball college player…"
I closed my eyes tight. I squeezed the cap in my hands even tighter… and then my mind was flooded with a hundred memories…
I could see us clearly, laying on the green grass below the Oak tree in his mother's garden… I could hear our loud laughs mingling in the wind, filling the air and the space around us, isolating us from everything else. I could picture us at the lake, swimming together to one of the big rocks in the middle of the water, spending a whole bunch of time just enjoying a comfortable silence while sitting side by side. We'd always spent hours in our own bubble, the world outside of it utterly forgotten.
I remembered how his eyes would get bluer, hiding the gray shades, every time we were doing something he liked, like tracking through the woods to the lake, racing to the pool, or planning a party to gather our gang… I could perfectly picture his eyes getting grayer instead, when he was worried, focused, or when he looked at something he really wanted. I could recall how his deep voice would get stronger whenever he was advising me, talking me into something he thought I should do, and the few times he subtly reprimanded me… I could hear it getting softer whenever he was trying to comfort me or when he was giving his opinion about something I shared with him…
And I could, finally, recognize the way each and every one of those things made me feel… it had always been strong.
I could also realize perfectly… His gestures, his affection, his care for me… The way he was always so protective of me, and it was like he wanted to spare me, always taking me under his wing… always putting himself out for me.
That was proof enough… he considered me much more than a simple childhood best friend, and I knew it… I'd always known. But it didn't make things any better, it actually made things worse… because it seemed he'd always considered me like his little brother, somebody who needed his protection and care.
I let go of the cap and flattened my hand on my chest swiftly. A killing pain was gradually cracking my heart. I clutched my chest, breathing hard. I felt humidity flowing down my cheeks and I realized I was crying.
I opened my eyes, rested my head on the wall behind me, and stared at the ceiling. Even with my eyes open, blurred with so many tears, I could still see his perfect face…
The hurt deepened. The pain started to smash me…
And all of a sudden I could understand everything.
It finally sank in why that sentence seemed so wrong, so shallow.
How could I not notice this before?! It was so fucking obvious… He's always meant so much more than just a friend to me. Always.
Deep down inside, even if only subconsciously, I'd always known… and then I was remembering myself telling Bella it wouldn't be something minor.
My heart started to pound faster, to constrict harder, further. It was racing, beating so fast that my chest was hurting really bad.
"Fuck…" I uttered, feeling the tears stream start to increase.
I wasn't into him… I was in love with him…
At that moment, it was so evident how falling in love with Edward had been natural, simple, effortless… so effortless that I never realized it happening.
I trembled 'cause I could also tell it was definite. It was easy to assimilate that I couldn't go back, I couldn't retreat. There was no way to get over that…
I took a deep breath, trying to control the overflow of so many feelings that started to rise. I rubbed both my hands over my eyes and cheeks to dry the tears, only to clear the way for more.
I was quiet, silent. I wasn't sobbing but, I couldn't stop the tears flow. The more I rubbed them dry, the more they flowed.
It's no use…
I remained there. Seated on my closet floor, my head leaning back on the wall, staring fixedly at the ceiling, the tears flowing freely while I breathed slowly.
I'm not sure at what point I fell asleep. I know the tears had dried soon before the first sunbeams brightened my room, but I didn't have the willpower to stand up and get to bed.
The last thing I remember was Edward's smiling face on my cell phone screen, as I was trying to convince myself it wasn't a very good idea to call him that early in the morning.
And after that, nothing… I was submerged in a deep darkness.
Surrounded by an unsettling silence.
