Ari woke up to find her bedside empty and a gray, cloudy sky outside. It started drizzling after breakfast and the rain grew steadier throughout the day. The rain confined them to the house and none of them could go outside now, whether it was for gardening or hunting or just playing around. Maybe this was the universe's way of telling Ari to stay inside and make her daddy happy. Just seeing his sad, devastated face and hearing the crack in his voice yesterday when he realized she had been about to leave just made her feel all sick and horrible inside. Her father had always been so kind and loving, giving her a home to stay in and food to eat and arms she could go to if she was hurting. She couldn't believe she had been ready to throw it all away, all her luxuries and her father's generosity, just for a weird dream she had.
And yet, despite the crushing guilt inside her, the other weird feeling remained. It was like there was something inside her chest, eating her up inside and making her feel emptier by the minute. Even though she had had no more dreams about lakes or castles, the feeling that had surrounded her dream was still there, and she couldn't shake it off no matter what she did. The nagging feeling that she should have been doing something more… That she was just wasting her time here, lying on her bed and staring up at the ceiling and wondering what to do.
And then sometime during this sluggishness came a sudden wave of overwhelming hopelessness once Ari realized that she was going to stay like this for the rest of her life. She had no way out and would always be stuck in this house. And while she would mostly enjoy her life and feel happy and loved, a part of her might always be unsatisfied. Wondering if there was anything else waiting out there, if there were any other things she could be experiencing. But she would never be able to know, always be hovering on the edge of the cliff, stuck between standing and falling…
"You've been quiet today, Ari," Dad suddenly said during their lunch, which consisted of home-baked bread, leftover rabbit meat, and mashed squash. Ari looked up from her half-eaten slice of bread and at Dad, who was watching her with a crease in his brow. "Is everything all right?"
"Yes, I'm okay," she said automatically. Well, of course she wasn't, but how could she possibly say what she was thinking without making her daddy sad again?
"It's a relief," Sam said, smirking. "My ears have been blessed today."
"Sam," Dad said, casting him a pointed glance.
"What? It's true, isn't it?" Sam snickered as he stuffed the last bit of bread in his mouth.
"Are you sure you're okay, Ari?" Dad asked, looking back at Ari.
"Yes, Dad," she answered, forcing her head to nod up and down. Dad narrowed his eyes at her, and the bread she swallowed suddenly turned hard in her stomach.
"Well, if something's bothering you at all," he said his voice light, "you can always talk to me, okay? It's not good to keep things on your mind, after all… you can always tell Daddy what's bothering you. You know that, right, Ari?"
Ari swallowed but forced herself to keep her spine straight and her eyes on his. "Yes, Daddy."
He held her gaze for a moment longer, silent, while Ari's heart was beating so loud she was sure Dad could hear it. She also noticed that sometime during their exchange, Sam had stopped chewing and was watching them with narrowed eyes. Finally, Dad looked away from her and Ari looked away too, and then they continued eating in silence.
"It's raining a bit too hard for me to go hunting today," Dad suddenly said. Ari looked up and found him looking out the window. The rain was still spattering steady, fat drops against the glass. "How about we have some family time instead? Play some games and have fun together? It'll be nice and cozy in this rainy weather."
Sam sighed. "Do I have to?"
"Yes, Sam, you have to," Dad chided lightly. "It'll be fun. After all, it's been a while since we've all done something together, right? Maybe I haven't been paying attention to you all enough as I'd like," he added in a softer voice, glancing at Ari, "and I'd like to spend all the time I can with you all."
Ari gulped. Maybe that was what was bothering Daddy… maybe because he thought he hadn't been giving her enough attention, he had been a bad dad, and that was why Ari had been a bad daughter and tried to sneak out last night. But it had nothing to do with him, really! He was the best father ever and had done nothing wrong! She had just been too curious about what was beyond that door, the tugging on her heart had been too strong…
After they wrapped up their meal and Dad washed the dishes, they gathered around in the living room. Dad got out a deck of cards and they all sat around the small coffee table in the middle of the room. They were playing Go Fish today. Go Fish was Ari's favorite card game because it was the easiest, plus she was the best at it. She could beat both Dad and Sam with her eyes closed. She could usually get rid of her cards pretty quick and was good at figuring out who had which card.
But today, for some reason, Ari couldn't get in her zen no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't find any of the right cards and kept having to go fish, all while the stack of cards in her hand grew larger and larger.
"Go fish," Dad told her once she failed to acquire another king card from him. She practically had the half the deck of cards in her hand by now, and Dad chuckled as she added in yet another card. "That's a pretty big deck you got there, Ari. You still don't have any matches?"
"None," she said glumly.
Sam smirked. "That's what you get for cheating last time."
"I didn't cheat!" she retorted.
"Yuh-huh," he said. "You peeked over my shoulder and looked at all my cards. Remember that?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, 'cause you told me to go fish every time! I was just double-checking to make sure you weren't lying, that's all."
"Hush," Dad said as Sam opened his mouth to retort. "It's all in the past now. It doesn't matter. All we can do now is make sure we play fairly now and have a fun game, hm?"
Sam snorted. "Good luck when you're playing with her."
They continued playing, only this time Ari made sure not to peek at Sam's cards and have him accuse her of cheating again. But it was really, really hard to resist the temptation. Because Ari's cards kept growing larger, while Sam's were thinning out. He was laying down matches left and right, and before long, he threw down his last four cards and won the game!
"Boo-yah!" Sam whooped, throwing up his arms up in a victory pose. "Let's go! Won on the first try!"
"Whatever," Ari said, throwing down her gigantic book of cards. She couldn't find herself to be as disappointed as her loss as she had been expecting to.
"Good job, Sam," Dad said as he reshuffled the cards. "Are you all up for another round? See who can win on the second try?" he added, smiling at Ari.
She shrugged. "I wanna break, actually. I'm kinda tired."
"Tired?" Dad repeated, the smile slipping off his face. "Are you all right? Did you not get enough sleep?"
"No, I slept fine," she answered, yawning. "Just got tired after the Go Fish game, that's all."
And so Dad let Ari go into her room and take an afternoon nap. But once Ari laid on her bed and pulled the covers up to her chin, she felt all the drowsiness melt away and she stared up wide-eyed at the ceiling. In the silence, the sound of the rain was louder than ever, as strong and steady as her heartbeat. She listened to it for a moment, feeling the rain pound on the roof, the window — all around her, the millions of heartbeats.
Ari slipped out of her bed, picked up her stuffed animals beside her pillow, and they tiptoed to the her window. They watched the rain streak down the window in tiny rivers and separate into freckly droplets. Ari reached out her hand to touch the glass and shivered at its coldness.
"It's a good thing we have our window here today, huh, birdie?" the puppy said as they sat on the ledge together and gazed out at the stormy landscape. "It wasn't so good last time, 'cause it blocked our path, but now it's kept us warm and dry!"
"Yeah!" the bird nodded. "I couldn't imagine flying out in that… my wings would get all wet and we wouldn't be able to fly anymore!"
"Maybe it's not so bad being inside after all," the puppy conceded. "It's safe here."
"Yes," the birdie agreed. "In the mountains it'd rain every day and we'd always get wet and cold. We've got everything we need right here… warmth, safety, each other… why would we ever want to leave?"
The bird's words echoed in Ari's mind, and she found herself nodding along. Yes, birdie was right… why would anyone ever want to willingly leave behind their warmth and safety just to venture out into the big dangerous world and get eaten by wolves and get soaked by the rain? There was nothing good outside the glass window. The castle had only been a dream, and in reality nothing was waiting for her out there. Only coldness and starvation and death. She couldn't imagine how sad she would make her daddy if she ended up like one of those rabbits, shot and killed or gobbled up by a wolf. And she would feel even worse knowing she had ended up like that all because she had been too busy trying to chase something that didn't even exist.
Ari stayed in her room for the rest of the day, occupied by these forlorn thoughts. The rain continued on steadily throughout the evening. Even when the sun set and the night fell, Ari could still hear it pattering against her window. As she laid in her bed at night waiting for her daddy to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight, she could still hear those millions of hearts thrumming out their tune. She could feel her own heart in her chest beating along with them, separate yet together.
The restless feeling propelled her out of bed again, only this time Ari only went as far to her window and peeked outside some more. The sky was cloudy and murky, with none of the stars she had seen the night before. Maybe the stars were taking a rest in the clouds and would come back again tomorrow. Maybe they were feeling sad too today and needed some time to themselves.
The creak of the door startled Ari out of her reverie, and she broke her gaze away from the window to Dad, who was coming inside.
"Hey there, cub," he said softly as she scrambled to her bed. "You okay? What were you doing out of bed?"
"Just looking outside, Daddy," she responded as she slipped back underneath the covers.
"Oh, yeah?" he said, crouching at her bedside. "Did you see anything interesting?"
"Yeah. The stars weren't out today."
"No, they weren't," he agreed. "Usually when it rains, it gets cloudy and the stars get covered up. But once it stops raining, they'll be back, don't worry."
She nodded. She was glad the stars weren't gone after all. She missed their brightness and togetherness and their little winks to her. Even if she couldn't have her castle, at least she should be able to have her stars.
Ari snuggled deeper in her bed Dad pulled the covers higher up her chin and tucked her in like a nice burrito. He placed her stuffed animals around her pillow so they framed her head like a big crown.
"Rawrr!" Dad imitated a growl as he picked up the little puppy and shook it around Ari's head. "This little doggy will watch over you and chase away any bad dreams! Now here's the puppy's lick, one kiss for one happy dream coming your way!"
The puppy brushed his pink felt tongue against Ari's cheek. She giggled but quickly quieted down, even as the puppy continued licking her cheek.
"You all right there, Ari?" Daddy asked in his normal voice as he set down the puppy. "You think you can sleep well tonight?"
She closed her eyes. "Yes, Daddy."
There was a long silence, and if it weren't for the sound of Dad's soft, steady breathing, she would have thought he had left. Just as she was about to doze off to the rhythmic sound of his breaths, Dad suddenly spoke again, his voice barely heard above the rain. "I'm sorry, Ari."
Ari popped open her eyes, the drowsiness slipping away immediately. Dad was watching with that crease in his brow and the sad look in his dark eyes. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier… and if I upset you in any way."
"But you didn't!" she protested, twisting her fingers around the covers.
"Oh, yeah?" he said quietly, the crease in his face deepening. "But you've been quiet all day. And you didn't seem to have much fun in our Go Fish game today."
"'Cause I was tired!"
"Are you still tired now?" he asked.
She nodded vigorously. "Yeah, I am."
"Really?" he said. There was a sharpness in his eye that made her feel all hot and exposed. "But you were out of bed when I came in, and only came rushing back in bed when you saw me."
"'Cause I-I was looking outside!" she stammered. "I just wanted to look outside before I went to bed. And I watched the rain and looked at the sky, b-but I didn't see any stars out. They didn't want to say hi to me, I guess, and… and…"
Before she could finish her sentence, however, her eyes began to sting and her throat closed up. Next thing she knew great big tears overfilled from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks like rain down the window. At once, Dad's calm demeanor slipped away and he began to fuss over her. "Now, Ari, what's the matter?" he asked, but Ari was too out of breath to respond. "Shh, it's all right, don't cry… Daddy's here…"
Ari pulled herself up and he sat on the bed and took her in his arms. She cried in his shoulder that had the familiar pine and smoke scent. She wet the fabric with her tears while he rubbed her back. She didn't like whenever she cried, but she was glad that whenever she did cry her daddy would always be there to help her.
"What's wrong, Ari?" Dad asked again once the worst of her crying had abated and she was reduced to weak sniffles. He handed her a tissue and continued to rub her shoulder, his voice soft.
"I d-dunno," she sniffled, wiping her nose. She wasn't really sure why she had started crying all of a sudden herself. Usually whenever she cried, it was because she had hurt something, like how she skinned her knees or cut her finger. But nothing was hurting now… except maybe her chest, where the tugging had gotten so strong it was making her heart hurt.
"Are you sure?" he continued in that soft, reassuring voice, wrapping her up like a warm blanket. "It's all right. You can tell me anything."
She gazed up at her daddy through her swollen eyes. Even through her tear-stained vision, she could see the patience and warmth in his eyes. Holding his warm gaze, she stammered out, "I-I guess I looked at the sky today and I didn't see the stars, so I got s-sad. 'Cause… it was like they'd forgotten about me, or something."
"Oh, Ari," Dad sighed, squeezing her hand. "The stars would never forget about you. They might not be out today, but they'll come back tomorrow. And they'll be shining even more brightly than ever, giving out all their light, and it'll be all for you."
She swallowed. "But… what about them?"
"Who?"
"Them," she repeated. "The people in the castle. What if… what if they forgot about me, too?"
Dad sighed again. Only this time it was much longer, and Ari could feel his shoulders sagging. "But that was just a dream, Ari," he said gently.
"I-I know," she stammered. "But what if there're actually people like that in real life? I mean, if stars can be together and have friends, and trees and raindrops and animals can have friends, too, then how come people can't be together like that, too?"
"But we are together," Dad said firmly. "You and me and Sam. We're together all the time, and we're each other's best friends, aren't we? Just like the stars and trees and raindrops and bunnies."
"But we're only three people, Daddy," Ari pointed out as she held out three fingers. "And there're a lot more than just three stars in the sky, lots more than just three trees or three raindrops or three bunnies. There's a lot and lot of them, trillions and gazillions and gazillions…" she twirled her hands around with excitement just thinking about it, "so much I can't even count it!"
"I guess you're right, huh?" he laughed softly. "The world is a big place filled with so many things we can't even imagine. And that's what makes it so fascinating, and also so dangerous. You and me and Sam, we know each other well, and we feel comfortable with each other. But we can't say the same for other people out there. We don't know who they are or what they want from us. And a lot of them aren't good people, like you and me and Sam. A lot of them will want to do bad things. They're big bad wolves in the disguise of people. And those wolves will want to hurt us."
Ari gasped, her mouth dropping wide open. "So people are real? They're really out there, Daddy?"
"Yes, they are," Dad said, rather sadly, while Ari continued to gape at him. "But they're not good people, Ari. Not like the ones in your dream. When I was younger, I met a lot of people in the real world. All of them hurt me in some way or another. And that's why I want to protect you and Sam. I don't want you two to go through that and get hurt, like me."
"Did the bad people hurt you, Daddy?" Ari asked anxiously, placing a hand on his chest. He nodded, a dull, defeated look in his once-bright eyes. It hurt her to see. "Where did they hurt you? I can kiss it to make it feel better."
He laughed softly and planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Thank you Ari, but it's okay. As long as I have you, that's enough to heal the worst of the wounds."
Ari nodded against his chest. She never knew that she could be the one making her daddy feel better, when he was usually the one comforting her. But she was happy that he felt less sad now, because of her. And that just made her feel even guiltier knowing she had tried to sneak out last night and leave her dad. She clung tighter to him, vowing she would always stay by her dad's side and never try to run away again.
"Beside you and Sam, though," Dad suddenly murmured against her hair, "there is one other good person who I've met in this world."
"Who?" she asked against his shoulder.
"Your mother." The word was a warm puff against her head.
Ari gasped. She rarely heard her Dad about her mother. The last time he talked about her was years go, after he read Ari the story of Goldilocks. She had noticed something in the story, though, and asked Dad why little bear had a father bear and mother bear, but she and Sam only had a father bear. And then with a sigh, Dad had sat her down and had told Ari all about her mother bear. She once had a mother bear, but unfortunately, she was gone now and that was why she and Sam couldn't see her, and that Ari shouldn't ask him about mother bear again. He had looked so sad and strange back then, so unlike his usual happy self, that Ari didn't dare bring the subject up again.
And now, after all this time, Ari didn't think that Dad would willingly bring up mother bear ever again. In Ari's surprise, she had jerked up and lifted her head up to look at her dad. His face was more lined than she had ever seen it, but his eyes held hers with a steady earnestness. "She was everything," he said softly. "Beautiful, kind, lovely. And she was like you in that she wanted to explore the entire world. And back then, I was young and didn't know any better, and decided to join her on her pursuits. It was fun at first, I must admit. There were lots of things to do, lots of people to meet… and back then, I was like you and thought that the world was only good, filled with good things and good people."
"But they weren't?" she asked anxiously, hanging onto every word with bated breath.
"No," Dad said sadly, squeezing her hand. "Like I said, people entered my life and hurt me. Hurt me so badly I thought I would never recover. But your mother helped me and picked me up when I was at my lowest. She believed in me even when I didn't. I'm forever indebted to her. It's all thanks to her that I'm here in the first place and that I've got such a lovely little princess."
He kissed her head again and Ari smiled. "But what happened to mother bear, Daddy?" she asked, her smile fading as her mind returned to his story. "Why isn't she here? Why can't she live with us, if she's so wonderful? I wanna see her!"
She heard him give a sharp breath, and the hand around hers held on so tight it was almost painful. "I wish she was here too, Ari," he said softly, his eyes misting over. "I wish you and Sam could meet her, and she could see you again two, too. We were so happy to start a family together, to watch you two grow up… But that can't happen anymore in this lifetime, I'm afraid. Everything felt so hopeful between us. We had Sam and just welcomed you into the world. I was getting better and regaining my confidence, thinking that the world wasn't so bad after all. But I was wrong. It was a horrible mistake to let my guard down. The worst mistake I've ever made in my life. Because…" he broke off and bit his lip before continuing in a tremulous voice, "because you see, right after you were born, bad people came and… and they did terrible things to your mother. They took her away."
Ari gasped. "Where did they take her?"
"Away," he repeated in a choked voice. "Somewhere we can never see her again."
"But where exactly?" she pressed.
"I don't know, Ari. I don't know."
She frowned. If Daddy didn't know either, then it must have been a real mystery. She wasn't sure what such a place could be where you couldn't see people ever again, but either way, it sounded horrible. Ari could hear the hurt in her father's voice, the same hurt she heard when she tried to sneak out the other night. Her heart twisted up again and she rubbed her father's chest, trying to soothe the twist in his own chest.
"Are you okay, Daddy?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm okay," he said, smiling softly. He cupped his big hand over hers so both of their hands were on his chest. "Thank you, Ari."
"So is that why you took me and Sam here?" Ari asked. "Away from those bad people, so they don't come and take me and Sam away, too?"
"Yes, exactly," Dad nodded. "I just want you to be safe and happy. Give you everything you need and keep out everything you don't need. Because I don't want you to suffer like me… or… your mother," he added in a smaller voice.
"No, Daddy," Ari squeaked. "I don't want to be taken away, either."
Dad held onto her for a while longer. She buried her head in his shoulder and listened as his hitching breaths returned to their usual deep steadiness. Soon, Ari was starting to feel drowsy again and Dad let her go to put her back in bed. He tucked her up real good again and gave her one last kiss before turning off the lights except her nightlight and leaving her room.
"Sweet dreams, my princess," he whispered. Ari nodded in the darkness, feeling the throne of stuffed animals beside her head, and the soft brown puppy lying at her cheek.
