"He's out, like a light." Olivia said as she shut Noah's bedroom door gently.
"He's had a hard week," Elliot stated.
"Yeah," Olivia said with a sigh.
"So did you." He continued.
"Thank you Elliot, thank you for picking him up." Olivia said as she sat down on the bar stool by the kitchen island. They were all stuck at the precinct and it was getting late. He had offered to pick up Noah to make sure he was home by the time she was.
"We're family." Elliot stated taking her by surprise.
"What are you looking for?" She asked as he wandered through her kitchen opening cupboard doors.
"Sugar?" He answered shaking the empty container.
"It's here. I have some here somewhere." Olivia replied standing to her feet to look.
"Why didn't you call me?" Elliot asked. Olivia paused and looked at the cupboard for a moment before answering.
"Because I knew you would try and protect me."
"And there's something wrong with that? I care for you. Liv look at me"
"Here it is." Olivia said finding the sugar and turning around presenting it to him.
"Liv," he said softly stepping into her personal space intimately,
"Elliot,"
Rafael stood frozen at the door as he watched Elliot's face nuzzled towards his wife's bruised face. He had heard Elliot ask why she didn't call him through the door just as he was about to let himself in. Olivia caught a glimpse of Rafael and jumped back from Elliot's grasp. Wordlessly Rafael turned and walked out the door.
"No, no Rafa." She said weaving around Elliot to run after him. She watched as Rafael got into the lift facing the wall without turning around, door closing behind him.
Rafael had been in DC all week. After many conversations with Olivia and negotiations with the White House Rafael had taken on a one year contract as a White House counsel. One based primarily in New York unless required in DC. He was months in and he was enjoying it immensely. Somehow he was fast tracked and was almost immediately embraced by the senior staff. He was home majority of the time and the week he was in DC was the first long stint he had done since he first started.
He knew that Olivia was on a big case. One where Noah ended up at his mother's with detailed protection for both of them. Olivia hadn't been able to give him details which he knew was part of the job. He offered to come home but she refused assuring him all was fine and that she was just taking extra precaution. When he spoke with Noah, he too assured Papi that he was fine and that he was worried about Mami but there was no need to come home early. As days progressed Noah became more and more distant on the phone. He and Olivia had been playing phone tag and things didn't feel right. Instinctively he jumped on the plane and headed back home. Upon landing his mother told him that Noah had been picked up by Elliot with Olivia's blessing. Whilst Olivia and Stabler had mended their fences he never would have imagined out of all the people who would pick up their son from his mothers house, it would be Elliot.
So many things didn't fit.
And now, even more so.
After leaving their home Rafael had gone straight to Sonny and Amanda's. He had all but demanded they tell him what was going on. Reluctantly they filled in the blanks and the blood drained from his face immediately. Of what they had gone through. What she chose to hide from him. For the second time that night Rafael wordlessly walked out.
"Barba," Carisi said softly placing a hand on his shoulder as he stepped out of their home.
"She knew you would worry. That you would be on the first plane back. She wanted you to be safe and DC was the safest place you could be and that brought her some peace."
"I get it, she didn't want a liability." Rafael replied stoically.
"Rafael no," Amanda said horrified at the implication.
"I'm just a lawyer. How could I possibly protect her? That's what Stabler is for." Rafael looked at his friends and gave them a self-deprecating shrug before heading towards the elevator leaving them dumbfounded. Amanda immediately grabbed her phone to call Olivia.
"Please tell me he's with you." She answered desperately without a greeting. She had been calling him since he walked out and kept getting his voicemail. She suspected that his phone was turned off as the last location he was at was their home.
"Liv, what the hell happened? I thought you were going to talk to him tonight?" Against their prompting and her own better judgement, she kept putting off the conversation to when everything had been sorted out.
"He flew back tonight. He wasn't supposed to be back until this weekend. I knew he was worried. I should have known he would come home early. I didn't think. I thought I would have time to explain it."
"Liv, he knows everything now." Amanda stated quietly as Olivia slid down to the floor as she held her head in her hands.
"I just didn't want him to worry. I didn't want him to be in danger."
"Liv, whilst we all understand that. Rafael now just sees himself as a liability because you couldn't be honest with him."
"That's not true."
"Right now, that's his truth."
As much as Olivia did not want to leave Noah she needed to find Rafael and had called Lucy to stay with him. She knew enough to know that Rafael wouldn't go to his mothers or anyone that would require explanation. There were no recent purchases made from his accounts, so he hadn't checked himself into a hotel.
She found him at the airport.
After leaving Sonny and Amanda's, Rafael realised he had nowhere to go. Nowhere that wouldn't cause alarm or questions he didn't want to answer nor even know how to.
He thought they were okay. It had been about a year since they sat in her office, and she told him that she wasn't going to be Elliot's gate keeper and handler anymore.
From what he knew they had very little to do with each other in the last year. Or did he just not ask the right questions? His mind raced and he knew he was working himself into a migraine that had already began to take residence at the back of his neck slowly creeping its way all over his head and nervous system.
He felt her presence before she even sat down beside him. She had been watching him for several minutes and it broke her heart to see her passionate, funny, full of joy and mischief of a husband sat there looking seemingly lost and defeated. His gaze remained on the runway as she sat down. She felt him shift away from her as though frightened of her touch.
"Rafi," Olivia said tearfully. She watched him close his eyes as if to force himself not to look at her. He knew the moment he looked at her his immediate concern for her safety and wellness would kick in. If he looked at the bruises closely that would trump anything he was feeling in that moment. Just like all the other times. Olivia placed a hand on his arm, and he stiffened, his eyes opened without glancing at her.
"Baby, I'm so sorry." She said softly but desperately, as if she knew that she barely had a grasp on him.
"So am I." He replied softly. She felt the enormity of those three words he uttered with finality.
"Rafi, baby please look at me." Olivia pleaded placing a hand on his cheek. Rafael took a couple of beats before turning his gaze to meet hers. He saw every cut and bruise on her face and tears welled in his eyes. He traced each wound lightly with his fingers, as if committing them to memory. Olivia leaned into his touch trying to reassure him that she was okay.
"Rafa, please come home." Rafael stilled,
"I can't." He said removing his hand from her face and looked away.
"We have to talk Rafa." She watched his walls rise,
"Why? Because I've pushed you into a corner and you now have to tell me. You've been perfectly fine with omitting truth the last few days Olivia, you've even roped our son and our friends into lying to me too. Why is talking important now? Because I walked in on you and your partner in our kitchen?"
"Nothing happened, and I couldn't tell you."
"Because God forbid I come home and become a liability." Olivia gasped.
"That's not true Rafael."
"I don't know what hurts more. You lying to me these last few days or not really be confident that nothing would have happened if I hadn't walked through the door because to be honest from where I was standing, there was very little to be left to the imagination."
"Rafa." She whispered in quiet desperation.
"You know, after Wheatley. When we survived that, I guess I thought," Rafael shrugged unable to finish his sentence, but Olivia knew where he was going.
"I love you Liv. Trust you implicitly. Deep down I know nothing would have happened between you and Elliot because I know that's not who you are. I can't confidently say you didn't want it to or wonder about it. I mean he'd be the one to protect you right? Not that one you'd have to protect."
"Rafa no." Her actions had led him to believe he couldn't keep her safe, worse than that, that she needed to protect him.
"Rafa, you're my safe place. There is no other place I feel safest than your arms. The only time my soul is ever calm is if you're right next to me. Yes, I wanted to keep you safe, not because you were a liability but because the only thing keeping my head straight was knowing the sooner it was all over the sooner, I would be in your arms. I knew the moment I told you what happened you would be on the first flight home and as much as I needed you to be nearby it paled into comparison to needing you to be safe. Not because you can't protect yourself or me or Noah. It was knowing you would throw yourself in front of moving vehicle or bullet to protect anyone you love and care about. The former is already a proven fact. I'm sorry I lied. More than that I'm sorry that lie hurt you and made you question us."
Rafael looked down at his hands unable to process the words she said as the images in his head kept haunting him. Olivia watched him closely. Whether he knew it or not his body was beginning to count the cost and it frightened her to know he had more than enough to want to walk away.
As if on cue his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He had turned his location off and set himself to do not disturb only having Noah's number override the settings. Without looking at Olivia he answered the phone.
"Hi my love," he said brightly quickly wiping away the tears that welled in his eyes.
"Papi,"
"Hey it's late Papito." Rafael said gently.
"Papi, I need you to come home. Please." An anxious Noah began,
"Hey hey my love I need you to slow down okay." Rafael coached knowing Noah would lead himself to an anxiety attack if he kept going.
"Close your eyes, listen to my voice, breathe baby." He soothed as Olivia's eyes began to water at his tenderness.
"That's it my little love,"
"I miss you Papi."
"I miss you too."
"I know you're away for your job and I know it's important. Can you come home soon? Please," he pleaded.
"Noh, honey, you always come first. To me and Mami. So why don't you tell me what's going on."
"I keep having nightmares about that night."
"Oh baby I'm sorry."
"Papi will you come home?"
"Baby, Papi's already at the airport. I'll see you in a little bit."
"Thank you Papi."
Olivia knew if it wasn't for Noah Rafael wouldn't have come home, at least not without further battling.
"Thank you Rafa." She said solemnly as he stood to his feet. Rafael nodded still unable to look at her. He drove them home and the silence in the car ate away at her. As he got to their door he visibly paused.
"Baby I'm sorry." She said standing between him and the door forcing his gaze to meet hers. Rafael cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead.
"I know." Slipping her hand into his they entered their home. She wasn't oblivious to how uncomfortable he was to be in there. Noah burst out of his room upon hearing their entrance and straight into Rafael's arms.
"Papi, you're home." He murmured into Rafael's neck as Rafael crouched down to receive him.
"I am my love. It's late. Let's get you to bed. Give Mami hugs. She's had a rough week too." Noah turned to his mother who wrapped him in her arms tightly as Rafael thanked and walked Lucy out.
"Thanks for coming Luc,"
"Of course. Noah brought me up to speed. You might be in for a roughy few nights. Let me know if you need anything."
"Will do. I've got an Uber waiting for you downstairs. Let us know when you're home."
"Yes Dad," she said with an eye roll placing a grateful kiss on his cheek. As soon as Rafael walked back in Noah headed straight for him.
"Mami and I will tuck you in, do you need to go to the bathroom first?" Noah shook his head. Rafael removed his jacket before following Noah into his room.
Noah lay between his Mami and Papi. He was curled towards his mother while wrapped in Rafael's arms. Olivia lay facing Rafael as he sang softly lulling Noah to sleep. She watched him run his hand through Noah's curls long before after he was asleep. Not long after she drifted off and he was left to stare at the two people he loved most in the world and how he could have lost them both. There was a part of him that never wanted to let go at the same time there was a part of him that felt like he was crawling out of his own skin trying to run away from the images in his head and the thoughts that came with his wife lying to him for days even if in his head he got it. Once he knew they were both in deep sleep he slipped out of Noah's room. He needed a shower and he needed to log into work knowing he had left prematurely. He stood in the shower for a good half hour before changing into his sweats before heading into the study closing the door behind him.
Olivia woke in a panic at the sight of Rafael no longer laying beside Noah. She let out a sigh of relief when she heard the light tapping of his keyboard from the study and knew he was working. He was home a couple of days early, she knew because he was worried. Tears began to run down her cheeks knowing how hurt he was and what images would now haunt him every time he walked through their front door. The one place that was supposed to be their sanctuary. The very reason he refused to stay in their home during the Wheatley's trial seemed moot now. As much as she wanted to talk to him. She knew he needed the space. She got up from Noah's bed to take a shower. When she came out she couldn't bring herself to go to bed without him and she didn't want to disturb him while he was working. Rafael found her sitting on the floor just outside the study, back against the wall, eyes closed. He knew she was frightened of the outcome of the decisions she had made and what he had walked into. He wanted to provide her with reassurances, but he hadn't yet processed his own feelings. He placed a hand on her shoulder,
"Liv, you should go to bed." He said softly. Rafael had every intention of sleeping on the couch but the look on her face just about to broke him.
"Let's go." He said holding a hand out to her as she took it leading him to their bedroom. As Rafael lay down, he found himself opening an arm out to her as she slid into them snuggling close, burying her face into his chest.
"Sleep Liv," he murmured as he placed his lips on her head.
"Rafa," Olivia began.
"Shh, sleep." He replied.
Olivia woke the next morning relieved that Rafael was still in their bed with her, convinced that he would have slipped out the moment she fell asleep. He was awake and she doubted he slept a wink. When he realised she was awake the fingers that were running themselves through her hair paused. He dropped a kiss on her head and sat up.
"I should check on Noah." He said absently swinging his legs out of the bed.
"Rafa,"
"I can't Liv. I can't talk about it. I don't want to. My head is spinning so fast right now and I have a sledgehammer having a field day in the back of my head. I don't know what the last week means or last night for that matter and I don't have the space to unpack it right now. Not when I know Noah is looking to me for answers I don't have. Comfort and reassurances I can't give myself."
"Rafa, it doesn't mean what you think it means." She said desperately.
"That my wife made the conscious decision to lie to me about her and our son's welfare to ensure I don't get on a plane to be here. To be there for them. For our son at the very least. What if something had happened to you both, what then? Would I just have gotten a phone call from Rollins telling me you're both in hospital or God forbid."
"Rafi I'm sorry."
"So am I Liv, so am I."
Rafael headed to Noah's room to check in on him and relieved to see that he was still asleep. He made his way to the kitchen to start on breakfast. Noah came out of his room a little while later wrapping his arms around Rafael's waist.
"Hi honey, did you sleep well?" He asked as Noah nodded.
"Want to talk about it?" Rafael asked brushing the curls away from Noah's eyes.
"It was just so scary. I just wanted you to be home."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here sweetheart."
"It's just after you came back, I forgot what it was like when you weren't here. I know you were only supposed to go for a week. My head knew that. Then all the things happened and you weren't here. I didn't realise how hard that would be."
"A lot happened in the short amount of time I was gone. I get it Noh. You just have to know that I am here in a heartbeat if you need me wherever I may be."
"Then Elliot came to get me at Abuelita's and it didn't feel right? Why was he picking me up and not you?" Rafael asked the very same question.
"I was still on the way home sweetheart. Elliot knew your Mami needed you to be with her as soon as possible and he could get you before I could. He was doing best by you and Mami." He explained. Olivia listened to his explanation to Noah and it only made her feel worse. Here he was painting a different picture of Elliot when he had every right to call a spade a spade.
"I'm just glad you're home Papi." Rafael drew Noah into his arms and hugged him tightly.
"Me too honey,"
The three of them had a quiet breakfast together. Olivia knew how hard Rafael was trying to be present.
"Can I stay home today?" Noah asked. Rafael looked to Olivia who nodded. After everything, he deserved a time out.
"Sure kiddo, but Papi will have to work for some of today." He explained. They all knew it was because he had come home early. Noah shrugged, he didn't care as long as he was in the same room as his Papi.
After they cleaned up after breakfast Rafael excused himself for a shower before logging in. Olivia couldn't help but note just how uncomfortable he seemed to be in their home.
"Are you working today Mom?" Noah asked,
"No sweetheart. I figure we could all use a day at home together."
"I'm glad Papi's home."
"Me too. Listen Noh, I'm sorry I told Papi not to come home. I didn't realise how much you may have needed him to be here. I just wanted to keep all of you safe and he was already safe and bringing him home didn't seem smart at the time but that was selfish of me. I should have known you would need Papi to be home especially after everything happened. I'm sorry that scared you. I'm sorry you had to see me get hurt."
"It's okay. I knew why we didn't ask Papi to come home. I also didn't realise I needed him to be home."
"Noh, about Elliot coming to get you, I should have waited until I was done and got you myself or got Papi to pick you up on his way home. I know Elliot isn't your favourite person and I appreciate that you rolled with the punches last night." Olivia said regretfully, looking at her decisions all week from their eyes brought a level of regret she couldn't reconcile and understood why Rafael had barely been able to look at her. She couldn't imagine the horror he felt after walking in on her and Elliot and then finding out the level of danger they were in and how she chose to not tell him.
Rafael heard their exchange as he got dressed from a quick shower. She was glad that she was talking it out with Noah. Noah needed that. When Rafael went into his office to check in at work, he wasn't surprised to see Noah enter with a book on his hand and lay on the couch in his office moments later. Rafael dropped a kiss on his head before booting up his laptop. He was working through his list of things to address when Olivia hesitantly stood at his door a half hour later. He suspected she had been standing outside his door since Noah had come in. Knowing that she was still working through the trauma of what had happened he knew she needed comfort as much as Noah did if not more. He glanced at her and held a hand out. Olivia walked over to him to take it and he gently pulled her into his lap wrapping his arms around her. Olivia lay her head on his shoulder and buried her face into the crook of his neck clinging tightly to him. He felt her tremble against him as quiet tears fell from her eyes. Wordlessly he rubbed her back soothingly until the tears stopped. He glanced at Noah who was asleep on the couch and back down at Olivia in his arms.
"Why don't you lay next to Noh and catch some more sleep. I'll finish up here and we can do something together?" Reluctantly she nodded and stood from where she sat in on his lap and joined Noah on the couch. He watched as Noah turned into his mother's arms and snuggled closely. The love he had for them was immeasurable and the sight of them made him want to take them both in his arms and never let go, but things weren't that simple. There was still an elephant in the room that his mind would not allow him to address.
A couple of hours later Rafael was done. He had signed off for the rest of the week knowing his part of the project was done for the time being. He would be on call as per usual and as part of his contract but for the most part he was work free until Monday. He found himself watching them for a moment, he drew the blanket that was covering them a little higher as it was quite cool in his office. Forcing himself to tear his gaze away from them he quietly left his office and closed the door behind him to get some lunch ready. As he stood in their kitchen he felt an overwhelming feeling of anxiety creep in leaving him motionless unable to complete the task of food preparation.
Olivia woke to find Rafael's office empty and went to find him. She saw items on the counter that looked like the beginnings of lunch but no Rafael and she understood. She found him on the swing chair in their balcony holding a glass of scotch he hadn't even taken a sip from. She walked over and sat beside him not waiting for an invitation. Rafael placed his glass on the floor and wrapped an arm around her as she snuggled close to him.
"What can I do Rafa?" Truth was, there was nothing she could do. What was done was done. There was no undoing it. He wished he had the magic wand that would but he didn't.
"Nothing. You just need to give me some time." Olivia ran her fingers through his stubble.
"I love you Rafi," she said leaning to kiss him. He gave her a chaste kiss before resting his lips on her temple.
"I love you too." He replied and looked out at the skyline in front of them.
They had spent the rest of the day playing board games and watching movies. Whilst Rafael was engaged throughout the day, there was something missing. A part of him was elsewhere and Olivia saw it, felt it.