With Rafael's departure came the quiet and lonely nights. She never knew how he filled the room with quiet presence until the absence of him gnawed at her. At mealtimes she and Noah went through the motions of eating together and caught up on each other's day but there was no Rafa, no Papi to make them laugh. At the end of the night there was no glass of wine as she curled against him on the couch as he told her about his day. In saying that, Rafael remained ever present in Noah's life. FaceTime in the mornings as Noah got ready for school and depending on how much time he had and what he was in the middle of, a bit of breakfast. Noah would call him after school, and they had their bedtime routine which Olivia aimed to be home for, but not always successful. On Wednesdays, he joined them for Spaghetti nights, if even for only to get in a few mouthfuls before getting called away for one thing or another. Olivia knew that Rafael spent most of his time in the office and suspected that he slept in his office more often than not. She knew that was in part so that when he was able to get home, he was fully present.
"How are you guys going?" Amanda asked one evening they were working late. Fin was finishing up paperwork on his desk and Amanda was going through another case with Liv in her office with the door closed. Olivia knew immediately she was referring to Rafael.
"Not great." She replied honestly as her eyes welled with tears.
"I think I blew it Manda, for good. He's Rafa, but he's not. It's like there's a wall between us and I don't know how to get through it."
"What are you doing about it?" Amanda asked softly but to the point.
"I'm trying to keep the communication open between us. He's good at checking in, but it's so forced and hard. It's never been like this before. I broke us."
"Do you want to fix it?" Olivia looked at her surprised,
"Of course I do." She exclaimed as Amanda held her hands up in defence,
"Liv, that wasn't an attack. I ask because maybe what you need to do is what Rafael asked you to do, which is sort out how you feel about Stabler once and for all."
"I don't love him Amanda, I love my husband."
"Liv, no one has ever said you didn't love Rafael. Anyone who has eyes or knows you know you love Rafael. Rafael knows you love him…but there's a reason as to why every time you and Rafael hit a rough spot, it's because of your old partner. Rafael has never asked you to choose. He has never demanded you cut ties with Stabler. The fact that it hasn't crossed your mind Liv, I'd be lying if I said that didn't concern me."
"Manda, he was my partner for 12 years."
"He abandoned you for 10 years without a word. Rafael has been in your life for over ten years and he has never once abandoned you. Even when his life imploded and he had to take a time out, you never not knew where he was. You nor Noah never not heard from him. Regardless how angry you've made him he has stood by you. Done right by you. He lived through Brian and Ed. He fought for you. When you purgured yourself, when you withheld things on the stand to the detriment of your own case, he was angry at you not because you lied but because of what that could mean for you. Because you took away the opportunity for him to protect you which he has been his innate move from the moment you two met. So yeah, I guess I'm asking you what Stabler has over you? Why and how does he get to trump the one person that has always put you first. Liv, Rafa was has been through your worst moments. He has not only witnessed every milestone in Noah's life, he has actively been a part of it. Liv that was even before you got together. He has never held condition. It may not be 12 years Liv, but isn't over 10 years of stability more than 12 years of instability. Because if Stabler's behaviour since he's returned is anything like it was back then, it doesn't quite compare." Seeing it through Amanda's eyes and potentially anyone else's, she understood the questions that were fired at her. All the unspoken words from Rafael were finally heard.
"Rafael thinks I choose him because he's safe and it makes sense. He doesn't think that I love or choose him because I'm love with him or that he's the one or that he's the great love of my life. He thinks I love and choose him because it's the right thing to do. After everything, how can I convince him otherwise?"
"I think you're the only one who can answer that question Liv. You know that man better than anyone. But before you come up with a plan, I'd start with being sure he's wrong. Because you probably have one shot here Liv. Rafael loves you, he would give up his own happiness for you. If you ask him to stay, he would, but can you live with yourself knowing that each day he stays, it's with doubt and the Rafael we know continues to dim." Olivia knew she was solely to blame for where they were and why her husband lived in doubt.
Rafael walked into his office and surprise evident on his face as he saw his wife sitting on his couch somewhat nervously.
"Olivia, what are your doing here? Is everything okay? Noah?"
"Everyone's fine Rafi. Well, maybe not everyone. No emergency." She quickly assured him.
She noted that he hadn't made a move to hug or kiss her hello. She couldn't help see the shift in his demeanour as his eyes landed on her. She had been observing him from his office as he engaged with Carmen and some of his colleague, full of life without a worry in the world and at the sight of her in an instant it was like the whole weight of the world lay on his shoulders.
She did that.
"I took some time off, and I thought if you had some time we could maybe spend time together. I know you weren't going to come home this weekend. I checked in with Carmen, she said that you had to be in DC but you weren't tied to the office, and if you were that's okay. I don't expect you to drop everything just because I showed up. I don't care, I just wanted to be where you are. Just you and me." She explained somewhat haphazardly. Rafael nodded.
Since his move he had let her navigate them, not to punish her but more to ensure she was doing what she wanted not so much what she felt guilty or compelled to do. He met her where she was at each time, but he allowed her to take the lead.
"Hey Barba, you owe me lunch and I plan on collecting." An extremely attractive blonde came into his office without looking up from the file in her hands,
"Hayes, I believe you lost that bet." He replied automatically with an eye roll.
"In your dreams Theodore, oh I'm sorry I didn't realise you had company," Ainsley immediately apologised as her eyes landed on Olivia whose mind was now racing.
"Ainsley Hayes, Olivia Benson." He introduced.
"Benson-Barba," he corrected somewhat unconvincingly which she didn't miss.
"Oh hi. Nice to finally meet you."
"And you. I came unannounced, I don't want to interrupt your lunch plans." Olivia said,
"Not at all. I will collect later. Keeps him grounded when he gets things wrong." Ainsley teased as Rafael rolled his eyes once more amused.
"Get out of my office. I have just finished up with Babish. I'm going to take the rest of the day off. Call me if you need me back here for anything. I dropped off the draft in Leo's office, so he will more than likely get to it tonight."
"Go, you practically live here. You should actually shower in a real bathroom and sleep on a real bed every so often." Ainsley retorted before giving them one last wave before heading out of his office. Like the whirlwind she came in, she went out.
Olivia couldn't help felt a tug in her heart at the knowledge that a complete stranger had a more intimate window to the comings and goings of her husband. Rafael could see the wheels turning in Olivia''s mind and whilst he probably could have provided assurances for questions he knew would be playing at her mind he didn't offer any. Instead he signalled for Carmen who smiled at Olivia as she entered the office.
"Carmen, I'm going to take the rest of the day. Call me if anything pops up. You know which calls need to be patched through. I'm expecting Leo will probably need me after he reads the brief so make sure I don't miss him."
"You got it. Get out. You should actually spend some time in a place that's considered your home in DC." Carmen said dryly echoing Ainsley.
"Yes mother, be sure you take a break today." He replied as he helped Olivia back in her coat.
"Si Hermano," she answered sweetly.
When Rafael was first offered the role his first call after talking it over with Olivia was Carmen to see if she was up for being poached from her job in the DA's office. Initially it was because he needed someone to be based in DC that he trusted implicitly if he was going to primarily be based in New York. He kept in close contact with Carmen after he left the DA's office and they have remained good friends. He was like the older brother she didn't have and she was more than happy and ready for the move to DC and career change.
As they headed out the door Olivia hesitantly slipped her hand into his. He looked at her and gave her a soft smile before dropping a kiss to her temple. Olivia shifted closer to him as they walked hand in hand back to his apartment.
"Let me change into something comfortable and maybe we can go for a walk? Show you a bit of DC." He suggested as she nodded not caring what they did as long as they were together.
As she walked into his apartment she understood the teasing he received from his colleagues. The place was spotless. Not a dish was in the sink, and his freshly laundered suits remain in their bags. She guessed so that he could take them straight to the office. There was a photo of Noah on the fridge from his latest recital. Other than that, there was nothing personal in the apartment. Meanwhile his office was filled with Noah's artwork hung proudly on his walls, a few pictures of their son on his desk, a family photo with Abuelita and one of her alone that Sonny had take whilst she was in mid laughter at something Rafael had said. Other than that, there was no trace of him and her anywhere. As though he had compartmentalised them into a categories as a family only, instead of Liv and Rafa.
When he emerged from the bedroom, he was her professor husband, Noah's dance dad and partner in crime. Not a trace of Counsellor Barba she picked up from the White House. All she wanted to do was fling her arms around him and never let go as he stood there in jeans, converse and a sweater had gifted him years ago and loved on him.
"What?" He asked as he caught her smile.
"Nothing." She assured him slipping her hand in his once more.
They walked mostly in silence just enjoying each other's presence and company. It had been awhile since they had spent any time on their own. When he had made the move to DC, Noah was their unspoken priority. They made sure that Noah had one on one time with Papi and as much as possible family time together. However time with just the two of them was something that hasn't had happened since that evening with Elliot. Olivia knew that was something that Rafael, whether consciously or not had avoided to date. Olivia missed her husband, but most of all she missed her best friend. She had taken him for granted and continued to take him for granted. She couldn't blame him for keeping her at arms length and looked at her with caution as though he was waiting for the next punch to the gut. It made her feel incredibly sick to her stomach.
"Rafi, I was thinking maybe it's time for me to retire." Rafael stopped walking to look at her. That was not at all what he was expecting.
"What?"
"I thought I can retire and Noah and I can move here. We can be together as a family."
"Olivia, I'm not asking you to do that."
"You're not asking. I want to do this."
"I don't need you to do this." She could hear the unspoken words of 'out of guilt' at the end of his sentence.
"Rafi, I want to give us the best chance we have because whether or not you believe me I want this. I want us. I want our family. We are my priority. You are the one that's been fighting for us all this time, and it's my turn. I cut ties with Elliot. I told him I don't want to have anything to do with him or his family. I choose us Rafi. I choose us." She pleaded longing for him to hear.
"Noah and I can move here. We can find our own place with enough room for Mami."
"We can't just move Noah out of school, what about dance?"
"All Noah and I want is to be with you. I have looked at schools. I've talked to Noah. He's even picked a dance school he wants to go to. Rafi, I know what I've put you through the last couple of years is unforgivable and I will never be able to fully convey how much you mean to me. How much I want you. Us, for the rest of my life. I know this is a lot, and just because I am finally here doesn't mean I expect you to drop everything and go along with the plan. That I expect us to just pick up where I dropped the bomb. I am retiring Rafa. I am going to move here with our son. You can keep me at arms length and be guarded, I deserve that but I will not allow you to think that I am not in this. That you are my second choice, that there ever was a choice. I will fight for us for as long as I need to Rafi because you're worth it, we're worth it. Squabbling until 85 remember?"
"Olivia, are you really ready to retire? You live and breathe SVU."
"Rafa, I have dedicated most of my life to SVU. Moving to DC, that's for me. I want to be with you. I want us to be a family. I want us to start fresh. It's time Rafa."
"Olivia, I don't want you to do this and regret it."
"Why would I? Our family is the most important. That leaves no room for regret. I love you Rafa, I'm sorry I haven't been very good at showing you that. Especially lately."
"I love you. I truly do. I just don't know how to do us anymore." He admitted softly.
"It's like something broke and no matter how much I want us back. There's a disconnect and I don't know how to do us." There were tears in his eyes as he spoke. Olivia placed a hand on each of his cheek and locked eyes with him,
"Baby, it's okay. It's my turn."