*** TRIGGER WARNING FOR DISCUSSION OF INFERTILITY ***

CHAPTER 9

The message chime on my phone woke me. I fumbled for it, half asleep, trying to clear my head and read the time: 10pm.

I'd dozed off on the sofa, and there was a tight crick in my neck. I sat up and rubbed it with one hand while my eyes cleared. I looked at the message notification and smiled. Hermione.

Are you awake?

I am.

Can I come over?

Of course.

I dragged myself off the sofa and crossed the room to open the door. She was already standing in the hallway, her expression not the usual happy one I was accustomed to.

"Did I cause you an issue today?"

She shook her head. "No, it was fine that you were there."

I stepped aside, allowing her inside and frowned in concern.

"Hermione?"

"Pansy's pregnant," she told me in a flat monotone.

I wasn't sure how I should react. Her face told me she wasn't happy about her friend's news, but that seemed out of character for her.

She walked into the kitchen and filled the kettle, setting it to boil, then turned and leaned back against the counter. She stared down at her feet and I waited while she sorted out what she wanted to say.

I retrieved two cups from the cupboard and spooned leaves into the teapot. She remained silent, her head still lowered, and I sensed whatever was happening inside her mind wasn't the usual random madness.

Turning around, I stood beside her and she reached for my hand. This silent side of her was unnerving. I was sure Pansy's news wasn't the issue, so I was curious if something else had been said. Perhaps it was Pansy; she may not have been pleased with the news. Hermione had mentioned how odd Pansy had been when she'd asked her to meet her.

I squeezed her hand. "Why don't you sit on the sofa? I'll make the tea and you can tell me what's going on… or not."

She nodded and whispered her thanks, then moved to the sofa, curling herself into one corner. She pulled her legs into her chest and rested her chin on her knees. She was already petite, but in that moment, she'd almost vanished.

I made the tea and carried the cups to her, placing them on the coffee table. I doubted she'd even drink it; she was so distracted. Not wanting to crowd her, I sat at the opposite end, but she reached for me and I shifted to sit closer beside her.

"Pansy's pregnant," she repeated.

"Is she not happy about it?"

"No, she's ecstatic," she said. "It's me who's being a jerk about it."

"Why is that?"

"She was being weird when she asked me to meet her because she wasn't sure how I'd react."

"You don't like babies?" I'd seen her with Scorpius so I knew that wasn't true; I had no idea where this was headed.

"I love babies. I love kids." She rubbed the heel of her hand across her eye. "I'll just never have any of my own."

I winced. Was this about me? Did she think I was past having children? Was she ending things already?

"I was going to tell you about all this, I just thought it was too soon. But I guess you have a right to know if this thing we have is going somewhere." She took a steadying breath, "Ten years ago I was diagnosed with POI, which means the chances of me getting pregnant are virtually zero."

My ego was something else. This had nothing to do with me.

"POI?"

"Primary ovarian insufficiency," she explained. "Do you want the scientific definition or the layman's version?"

"Whichever you want to tell me."

"Basically, my ovaries don't work properly, or at all. They don't produce normal amounts of estrogen or release eggs regularly. The last period I had was a year ago… Are you alright with me talking about this?"

"I have a child, I'm aware of the necessities associated with that. But more importantly, this is about you. So you can tell me anything you need to."

She turned to face me, leaning her shoulder against the back of the sofa and shifting so her legs draped over mine. I ran my hand along her thigh in what I hoped was a gesture she knew was only to comfort her, not for any other reason.

"I'm an only child, and the reason for that is my mum had the same issue I have. My parents tried for years to have a baby and had almost given up when she finally got pregnant. So, I was kind of an oops baby since I wasn't really expected, but they were just so happy to be pregnant."

I squeezed her thigh. "I can imagine."

"Then when I hit my teens and my period only showed up half a dozen times when I was thirteen, then not again until I was fifteen, Mum freaked out. I had tests and it was discovered I had an issue with my second X chromosome. Same as Mum did. The difference was, her symptoms didn't start until she was well into her twenties."

"So, it's not normal to have this at such a young age?"

"No, it's almost unheard of but with the genetic history, I guess it just showed up earlier in me. Mum was beside herself with guilt. It didn't bother me at first, I mean, yay for not having to deal with periods. But as I got older…" she trailed off and looked down at my hand on her thigh.

"You realised the full meaning of it," I finished for her.

"Yeah." She sighed and curled against me. "It doesn't bother me most days, but today it was… I'm so happy for Pansy and Harry. They'll be amazing parents. I'm not jealous or angry, but it hurts. And I've been in my flat, torturing myself since I got home for how I feel. I'm being so selfish."

She choked on a sob and I wrapped my arms around her.

"Being upset over something out of your control isn't selfish. I'm sure that was why Pansy was cautious in telling you. They all know this about you?"

"They do, and when she told me I was so excited for her. Of course I was. Harry has been my best friend since we were eleven. It wasn't until I got home that it all crashed around me."

I kissed the top of her head and hugged her tightly. I couldn't even imagine how she felt. I'd never given any thought to issues such as this. I had my child, we conceived him quickly and easily, and I was sure if Narcissa hadn't been so concerned with 'what the baby did to her body,' he would have had siblings. Just the thought of not having my son made me squirm, and I knew not ever physically having him would have killed me.

"I haven't thought about it in months," she continued. "My time in Paris was so busy, and now with the performance looming… and meeting my new neighbour…" She gave me a small smile. "I haven't had the time."

"Is there even a small chance you could conceive?"

"Usually with this condition there's about a five percent chance, but since my body has never acted normally, they've told me in my case it's only about one percent."

"What about other methods?" I asked cautiously.

"IVF?" she asked and I nodded. "My doctor said he couldn't be sure about the viability of eggs I might have, so it would most likely have to be a donor."

"And that's not a path you would take?"

"I haven't thought about it. Not seriously."

"But it is a possibility?"

She sat back a bit and took me in. "Are you thinking about it? Because this isn't how I wanted to tell you all this, and I wasn't sure if I would even have to. I mean, we haven't even had sex yet."

"No, we haven't, but I'm curious as to what your feelings are."

"Lucius, you only kissed me for the first time less than a month ago, and honestly, I didn't think you'd want more children."

I tried to bite back my smirk but failed. "Are you saying I'm too old?"

"No, but…" she paused, looking confused. "Should we even be having this conversation?"

"You do think I'm too old," I replied with a laugh.

"No, I mean, this might not work out between us. You might realise I am too mad for you and end it. And a conversation about children would be pointless."

"How about this?" I began. "If this does work out — and right now I have no intentions of ending it — we will discuss this further. If it's something you want, I will do my utmost to give it to you. And if it's not something you want, I can live with that as well."

"Wow," she breathed, looking completely shocked at my words..

"Hermione, this is such a shitty thing to have happened to you. Draco was conceived without a thought of him not being a possibility, so I have no idea how devastating or not this is for you. I'm glad you've told me. And it's in no way too soon. You know more about my life than I would usually tell anyone, so don't ever be afraid to tell me things like this." I kissed her quickly. "I mean, you tell me everything else. Even if I don't want to know."

She rolled her eyes, but smiled. "You were being so sweet and then you turned into an arse."

"I've already won you over," I said, leaning back and stretching my legs out. "I no longer have to be sweet."

She poked my ribs, causing me to laugh and squirm. "I stand corrected; you're an egotistical arse."

I grabbed her hand and linked our fingers. "Are you alright now you've told me?"

"No, but I will be," she said. "Mostly I feel like a bad friend for feeling hurt."

"You're definitely not a bad friend. I saw how you were with Scorpius, and I know how much you'll love this baby. But right now, it's perfectly alright to feel like it's unfair."

"I guess," she sighed and leaned her head on my shoulder. "Thank you for listening… and not judging."

"What is there to judge?"

"I'm different."

"Different from whom?"

"Everyone."

"One small issue that you had no control over doesn't make you different. You're different because of what you've achieved. Besides, that's what I like about you. You're not like everyone else."

"You like me?" She looked up at me with a smile. "That's a pretty strong word."

"It's how I feel."

"Good, because I like you too."

An hour later, Hermione yawned and extracted herself from my embrace. She stretched her arms over her head and arched her back.

"It's late," she noted. "I should go."

"Are you sure? You're welcome to stay," I told her and her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"I thought you were being a gentleman and wooing me in the proper manner?"

"I am. I'm just concerned about you being alone when you're upset."

"Are you suggesting I sleep in your guest room again?"

"Not exactly," I answered and my face heated at her amused expression.

"Lucius? Are you asking me to spend the night? In your bed?"

"No! I mean yes… but not… I mean…fuck it!" I stopped talking. She was doing her best to hold in her laughter. "Hermione, I am trying to be a gentleman. I don't mean it in a sexual way. I just hate to think of you alone when you've had such a rough day."

"So… you want to sleep with me, but not sleep with me?"

"If you're going to make fun of me, I'll rescind the offer."

"You're adorable when you're being all proper." She kissed my cheek. "I'd love to stay here with you. But what will I sleep in?"

"I believe I have a t-shirt." I stood and offered her my hand, giving her a stern look. "And you'd better behave."

"I danced off all my pent up frustration today. How'd you rid yourself of yours?"

I winked at her. "I wrote a BDSM porn scene."

She burst out laughing. "If you seriously did, I want to read it."

I stopped at the front door and checked the locks, then led her down the hallway. Fishing out the t-shirt she had already worn when she'd stayed in the guest room, I handed it to her and directed her to the bathroom.

"You can go first. There's a new toothbrush in the drawer if you need it."

She wrapped her arms around me. "I'm glad we're doing this."

"You're not disappointed at my no sex rule?"

"No, I think this will be good for us. I mean, who knows how you sleep. Do you steal the covers? Do you flail all over the place? Do you snore?" She shrugged. "Do I snore? This is all good information to have."

"If you snore, you'll be kicked to the guest room," I teased.

"If you snore, I'll happily go there," she retorted. "There's a new toothbrush?"

"There is, and it's yours."

"Thank you."

Watching her as she disappeared into the bathroom, a ridiculous smile spread across my face. My ballerina was staying the night, and I felt like I was nineteen years old again spending my first ever night with a woman.

But this would be different.

As much as I wanted to be intimate with her, tonight wasn't the night, and I didn't want to take advantage of her fragile state. She'd calmed herself, but — despite her merriment at my awkwardness — she was still filled with guilt over her reaction to Pansy's news. The spark was absent in her eyes, and sex for the sake of it wouldn't bring it back.

I headed into my closet in search of a pair of sleep pants I knew were folded in a drawer somewhere. I preferred to only sleep in boxers, but I wasn't sure I could fully trust my mad ballerina to behave herself. She'd already buried herself beneath my skin, I didn't need her to bury her hands beneath my waistband.

Not yet, anyway.

"Lucius?"

I stepped out of the closet to the most adorable sight. I'd not seen her in it the first time she stayed, but my t-shirt was more like a dress on her. The bottom hem floated mid-thigh, and the sleeves hung to her elbows.

"I'm pretty sure this is mine now," she said, tugging on the hem.

"I'll keep it here for any further sleepover emergencies."

"So, this isn't a one off then?"

"Perhaps not." I nodded towards the bed. "I sleep on the left."

"Noted," she said with a sharp nod. "And that bed is huge for one person."

"I like space," I told her. "I'll just be a minute."

"You're not going to strip for me here?"

"Maybe another time," I promised and disappeared into the bathroom.

I removed my jeans and shirt, and pulled on the green and grey plaid sleep pants, then debated if I should have found a t-shirt as well. I kept myself fit, but I was nothing on the dancers she worked with.

"You're also not as young as them," I muttered and pulled my hair into a knot on top of my head.

After brushing my teeth, I glanced at the laundry basket and my shirt. My concern would be blatantly obvious to her if I put it back on.

She's here because she wants to be. She'd still be banging your wall with Charlie if she didn't want to be here.

I steeled my nerves and opened the door. She was in my bed, propped up on the pillows and smiling at me.

"Man bun?" she pointed at my head. "Not what I pictured."

I switched the bathroom light off and crossed the room.

"What were you expecting?"

"Long, flowing locks over those bare shoulders. You know, that whole romance novel image."

"Funny," I quipped, pulling back the covers and slipping in beside her. "I prefer to sleep with my hair out of the way."

"That makes sense." She shuffled down and turned on her side, pulling the covers over her shoulder. "And it looks good on you."

"Thank you," I replied and mirrored her position. "Are you feeling calmer?"

"I am. This helps." She reached out and touched my cheek. "Being with you."

"I'm pleased I could help."

"You definitely have." She rolled to her stomach and shoved her hand beneath her pillow. "Just listening to me was enough."

"I've become accustomed to that," I teased and reached for the lamp beside the bed, switching it off and plunging the room into darkness.

"Good night, Lucius."

I rolled to my back and tentatively reached out for her, laying my hand on her hip.

"Good night, Hermione."

"You don't snore. That's a good thing."

She was standing beside me in the kitchen, watching as I made tea. She had insisted we not get dressed before breakfast and that I leave my torso uncovered, which I was not entirely comfortable with but gave my confidence a boost.

"Neither do you," I told her. "You were rather restless, though."

She shrugged. "That's not normal. I'm usually so exhausted I sleep like the dead."

I paused what I was doing and turned to face her. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I am," she assured me. "One restless night is okay now and again."

"Hermione, if this is still bothering you…"

"Honestly, it's not. Not Pansy's pregnancy anyway. I don't want to keep going over it, but I'm just annoyed at myself for the way I acted."

"And just know that it's alright that you did react as such." I squeezed her shoulder and nodded, wanting to say more but afraid to annoy her further.

Her arm slipped around my back when I returned to my task, the feel of her skin on mine raising goosebumps across my skin.

"Our morning doesn't have to end with breakfast," she hinted none too subtly, obviously recognising the effect her touch had on me.

"My intent to woo you in a gentlemanly manner hasn't changed, hellcat."

She laughed and kissed my bare shoulder.

"You're sticking with that then?"

"I am." I turned back to her and pulled her close. "But I promise you, when the time comes, subtle hints won't be necessary."

I slipped my fingers into her hair and bent to kiss her. And I knew if I hadn't already set the rules, it was a kiss that would have definitely been the start of something: hot and sweet, with an undercurrent of lust swirling between us like a tethered dog straining at its leash.

My hands fisted her hair, my tongue sweeping into her mouth, and she let out an incredibly sexy moan. Our mouths danced, our tongues tangled, and the harder I kissed her, the harder she kissed me back. Her arms slid around my waist, and she pressed herself into my chest. I could feel her tightened nipples through her t-shirt, and the clutch of her fingers low on my back caused my cock to throb with the desperate need to feel her wet and warm around me.

But, I couldn't. Not now.

With all the willpower I possessed, I dogged down the feeling and let her go, taking a step back and resuming my task of making tea.

My heartbeat thumped in my ears and my blood was hot in my veins. I wanted her, there was no denying that, but the niggling nerves of me being good enough for her held strong.

"You're a tease," she said breathlessly and I turned my head to look at her.

Her cheeks were flushed, her lips red and swollen, her eyes staring at me in disbelief.

"You have to be at rehearsal in an hour," I said, my voice much calmer than I felt.

"That's not enough time for you?"

I shook my head. "No. I'll need much longer with you."

She continued to stare at me, her teeth dragging across her bottom lip in a way that almost made me break my resolve.

"Are you going to write another porn scene while I dance today?"

"Perhaps," I said with a laugh then winked at her. "Or perhaps I'll find another more energetic way to fill my day."

"I hate you right now."

I leaned over and kissed her quickly. "If we had more time, I would definitely make use of it."

"Yeah, whatever," she snarked and took the tea cup I offered her.

"I mean it. I won't make you wait forever, but I do wish to exercise my manners for just a bit longer."

She looked at me over the cup and I could see the frustration in her dark eyes. However, I couldn't quite explain exactly how nervous she made me feel.

Her body had been a comforting presence beside me in bed, but the comfort was mixed with the constant apprehension I felt around her. I'd lain awake for another hour after she'd fallen asleep, unable to still my mind. There was no great epiphany that dawned on me, just a nervous twist in my gut that had me wondering once again why she chose me.

There was also the underlying fear that I would find her back in Charlie's arms, and the image of Narcissa bent over the sofa had returned to my thoughts. I doubted Hermione would do such a thing — she ended things with Charlie well before she began with me — but the overwhelming sense of impending doom was like a persistent hum inside my head.

"Hermione, I don't take this lightly, this thing with you. And I want to do it right. I don't want you to regret anything with me. So, I just ask that you wait a little bit longer for me, and I promise when this moves to the next chapter, I will need more than an hour with you."

I'd chosen my words carefully and hoped she didn't see through my white lie; I wasn't even sure I would last ten minutes with her, let alone an hour. I doubted more time would be necessary.

But, apparently she bought it.

"I'm sorry," she said and wrapped her arms around me, kissing my chest. "I guess I'm just impatient. But I get it; you were treated so poorly and your trust was broken, and you need to know I'm not running off with the gardener. Which I'm not going to, just so you know."

"I do know. And I do trust you," I replied. "I just need you to know this is about me, not you."

"It's okay, Lucius, I do understand. But—" she shifted her hands from my waist to my arse and squeezed "—if you kiss me like that again, I won't be held responsible for my actions."