Just breath Kathleen. Just focus on your own heartbeat. Nothing else matters. You can make this.

The pulsing of my heart keeps me steady. Stray thoughts flit in and out of my mind, but as quickly as they come I send them away, digging my nails into my arms. Time is passing so quickly, but at the same time it feels like no time is passing at all. I open my eyes for a moment to see the dim light coming in under the closet door but it doesn't illuminate anything for me to see. I shut my eyes again and recede back into a blissful sort of oblivion, waiting for this to be over.

Father never specified a time in here. And it is never the same between punishments. Some nights I would only spend half an hour, others the whole night. Tonight? After what happened? Getting to sleep in my own bed for my final night would be a blessing nearly too kind for me to even imagine from Father. But after some time I hear soft footsteps beyond the door that cut through the quiet pounding of my heart. Opening my eyes I see shadows of someone standing just beyond the doors, and a quiet voice cuts through my silence.

"Have you learned your lesson?"

What lesson is there to learn? What did I do wrong?

Questioning Father would only make things worse. So taking a moments to steel myself, I whisper back and try to keep my voice as steady as I can.

"Yes Father."

He opens the door and light floods into the tiny space. I have to blink several times before my eyes adjust. Father is standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, looking down at me with a stern expression on his face. I turn my body to him and duck my head again. I hear him sigh and I glance up to see him extend his hand. I pause for a moment, unsure if I trust him, but he gives out another irritated huff.

"Kathleen, come on. We have a busy day tomorrow."

I don't respond as I place my hand in his and he pulls me to my feet rather aggressively. I stumble forward into his chest, but quickly step back and out of reach. I stand and wait for him to tell me I can leave. Making even a hint of leaving before he gives explicit permission is just asking for the night to end with even more torture. He silently observes me for several moments and the nerves are causing an itching. I have to resist the urge to scratch my arms and shift my weight. Instead I pretend to sink through the floor, hoping that maybe it would happen this time.

"If you promise you have learned your lesson, then you can go to sleep. Have a good night Kathleen."

I nod my head and turn to leave but he catches me as I start to walk past. I stiffen as he places his hand against my head and presses a kiss to the top of my head. Immediately my breathing starts to quicken, but I force it through my nose and try to keep it quiet so he won't notice. Soon enough he lets go and I race out of the room as fast as I can without him noticing. As soon as I have left the room he closes the door behind me. Now that I'm out of the room and away from him, the tension leaves my body but it leaves me with a dull emptiness that I know will quickly be followed by collapse, so I hurry to my room, close the door and sit on my bed, just allowing myself to breath. I pull my knees to my chest in a weird twisted reflection of the punishment in the closet. But this time, it's on my terms.

My throat feels like it's closing and swallowing is painful. The hiccups soon follow and my body almost feels like it is convulsing. At first there are no tears, just dry sobs but after a while they start trailing down my face and don't slow down. This is an ugly sort of cry. It's one that comes when I finally open my Pandora's box, when I am willing to acknowledge what my life is. But even still I keep a portion of my mind focused on staying quiet. I can't afford for Father to hear me. I don't want to give him the excuse to come and check on me. I scrub my sleeve under my nose every few seconds until eventually I'm too tired. The tears don't stop, but my body has quit.

I get up and change into nightwear and lay on my bed for a moment, not bothering to get under the covers. I sit and stare at the ceiling, waiting for the tears to stop and hoping that my eyes won't be too swollen tomorrow morning. Father will be upset if there is any sign that people can pick up on. Normally it wouldn't matter that much, the people of Abnegation would never entertain the thought that Marcus could be anything less than the selfless angel he has made himself out to be. But tomorrow, at the choosing ceremony, we will be facing hundreds of people who could notice. Jeanine would notice right away. She wouldn't pass on a possibility to tear Abnegation apart. I have to respect her for that, her ambition has given her the power that she has. Which simply reminds me, I have to choose a faction tomorrow.

I can finally leave.

But to where?

Staying isn't an option unless I'm willing to live in fear for the rest of my life. My Father wouldn't let go easily. I could expect him to visit every day. My family would be in danger of public disgrace for any mistake I made.

Candor also isn't an option. There are truths I hold in my chest that I will take to my grave. And there are truths that if I admitted would get me put in a grave. And truth isn't a tool and it isn't valuable for a person like me. Because you can't believe truths, not when they come from flawed people. There is a vulnerability that comes with truth because you are allowing people to see your view of things. And I don't want anyone near my mind.

Amity wouldn't be a bad choice. Living in a commune of sorts the way that they do would give me companionship for the first time in my life. The freedom they always seem to have, their air of carefree joy is something that I have envied for years. But is it something that I could ever achieve? Is it possible for me to pretend that none of this happened? Is it really feasible for me to go and act like my mind isn't racing against me to who knows where? And everyone knows that if you don't abide by your faction's ideals, then you are worse than dead.

Erudite is tempting. It would take one comment to Jeanine for me to rip Abnegation apart. And I know that if I gave her that information, gave her that opportunity then I would be given more power than I would know what to do with. I could thrive in Erudite. But I would be hurting the innocent people who did nothing wrong. Jeanine wouldn't stop at just ruining Marcus, but would continue until Abnegation became factionless. As much as I want my Father to suffer, I can't just ignore the morals that have been drilled into my head since I could walk. I would be hurting people like Mary, with her twinkling eyes, and William, the kind boy who has risked his safety and potentially his future because as much as I want to believe otherwise, I know William will stay in Abnegation.

And Dauntless. It is something of a neutral option, with strong factors on both sides. Dauntless would teach me how to fight. It would teach me to be strong. I wouldn't have to suffer by someone else's hands again. I have spent so long living in fear of the monster who walks these halls, but I have faced it every day. In some ways, I am already brave. They would help me hone it into something useful. I would become my own greatest weapon. But on the other hand, going to Dauntless would be facing one facet of my past that I buried a long time ago. I would come face to face with the person who abandoned me, the greatest coward I know. He left me without a goodbye. He left me alone in this house. He gave me to the monster.

I heave out a big sigh and move to get under the covers. I don't think I'll come to a good conclusion tonight. I need sleep. I have to get up early as Father wants to arrive for the ceremony early to prepare. I'll have time to think this through in the morning. For now, I just need to focus on keeping my sleep blank, emptying my mind and waiting for that thoughtless oblivion to come and carry me to the morning.

Wow, look at this I have an update within a reasonable amount of time. Will this last? Who knows…. But once again, I'm going to do my best! I hope you all enjoy Kathleen, getting into her mindset and headspace is quite an interesting process. And don't worry, Eric should be coming soon, I haven't forgotten the main ship I have tagged. Just hold tight for a little longer! And until next time, Stay Fierce!

~ChildOfLupus!