I was hangin' with you and then I realized
I didn't think it was true, I was surprised
When I found out I've fallen for you
I didn't wanna believe my feelings for you
I didn't wanna believe that I could lose you
If I told you just how I felt
- Falling for U by Peachyl, mxmtoon

"How was it?" Mary asked uneasily as I sat down next to her and Lily at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, her blue eyes widened. I knew she had reservations about the members of Slytherin since the attack against her. I think the incident affected her more than she cares to admit to herself.
"It's okay, Mary. All we had to do was order and sort the potion ingredients. Nothing more." I said and looked at Mary confidently before I reaching for the potatoes. Her fear made me sad, she was once so easygoing and always with a smile on her face.
Lily gave me a sidelong smirk.
"What's happening, Lily?" I asked, chewing. As so often, I was unsure. Why did I always think I must have made a mistake that others laughed at? I really had to break the habit of these stupid thoughts.
"Oh, I'm just glad you two get along so well." she said with a smile. Her eyes sparkled at me.
What did she mean exactly? Did she notice that I found Severus attractive? In the same moment I capture myself if it really was like that. Did I find him attractive? Did I actually fall in love? I couldn't quite believe it because while we had some things in common, we were quite different, right?
"Why are you happy about that?" I grabbed some more beans and tried to look relaxed.
"Well, maybe he'll soon realize that our Muggle heritage says nothing about us as witches, and we're equal in value to purebloods." she whispered.
She wanted me to convince Severus to distance himself from his Slytherin friends. But why isn't her presence in his life enough? Didn't she know how he felt about her? How he looked at her? Didn't she feel that his whole life was filled only with her? These thoughts made me nauseous, and I pushed aside my barely touched food.
"I don't think there are good Slytherins at all. You'd better keep your distance from him. He's very odd." Mary said slowly. I had to giggle because that's the exact word I was using myself just a few months ago. Odd. Yes, he was and I liked it. After all, it was the two of us, wasn't it?
"Don't worry, Mary. You know, now that you're back on the team, we're going to take down Slytherin in the next game!" James exclaimed, apparently listening to our conversation with interest. He ran his hand through his wild black hair to look even bolder. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.
"Those nasty snakes will be sent back to their burrows to rot." Sirius called after them, earning him a bright look from Mary, who began to bounce nervously on the bench.
"I don't know, aren't you taking it easy on yourselves boys? You looked pretty bad in the last game." Lily stated with raised eyebrows, her full lips pursed.
"We've got the best team this year and with me as Seeker it can't go wrong, Evans." James said giving her a cocky wink.
"This snakes have nothing to offer. As Mary said, there are no good Slytherins, and neither are they on the field.", said Sirius in a loud voice.
"They're probably more like devils." Mary stated in a frightened tone that silenced everyone. I knew exactly what she was thinking when a shadow fell across her face. So, I put my hand on her arm and gently squeezed it. She looked at me and understood. I was with her.
Lily just shook her head about Sirius und James and went back to her food while I thought about the words from Mary. I didn't think Severus was the least bit devil. He wasn't very sociable, which might seem odd to others. But if you knew the reason behind it, it was only logical. Only that he had so much knowledge about black magic still disturbed me. My curiosity grew as to where this actually came from. So, I ask him as we walked with Lily across the grounds to lunch after transformation class. Lily and he seemed content because their birds had turned into beautiful daggers. Only my dagger had an extra feathered tail.
"Where did you get all your knowledge about curses from, Severus? You know curses, I haven't read about them in any books in this library."
Lily gasped next to me. Severus paled and gave me a strange sideways look. It was an uncomfortable topic for both of them, because it inevitably led to a fight between them. But of course, I wanted to prevent that. That's why I added:
"I'm just interested because we don't cover this detailed knowledge in class."
He considered his answer for a moment as I watched his dark eyes travel to Lily before settling on mine.
"You know, I was on my own a lot as a kid. But there were these books from my mother. They were in our library when I was bored or had other feelings I'd rather not wanted to feel." He mused slowly.
"So your mother is also trained in black magic?" I asked.
His black eyes literally pierced me. A cold shiver ran down my back. He paused before answering me.
"My mother is a very talented witch. We have a lot of old books about magic. But she doesn't use any of her many talents since she met him. My father hates our world. He doesn't want to know anything about it. And she- she will do anything for him. Maybe Eileen and Tobias should never have gotten together. A witch and a muggle make an impossible couple." he explained bitterly, his eyes blazing with anger. But I knew the anger wasn't directed at me, it was directed at his Muggle father and his own situation. I also understood now why he didn't like muggles. His own father disregarded Severus for who he was. But as a solution he looked for the dark arts? Had he used the study of black magic as an escape from reality or to be close to his mother?
Suddenly he paled, and I knew at that moment that I had also spoken my last thought out loud.
I bite my lower lip nervously. Lily stopped apparently because she also wanted an answer to my question.
Severus seemed to think about my words for the first time, because he also stopped and stood in front of us. He eyed Lily and me as he organized his thoughts.
"Yes, maybe both. You know, it was often lonely for me in this house full of hate and violence. I've seen through the books who I am and what's waiting for me: Hogwarts. It was my bright spot knowing that when I turn 11 years old, I can escape from both of them." He looked at Lily with soft eyes and added, "Together with you."
Lily grinned and blushed slightly.
For me it was the answer to the question of why he was involved in black magic, and it was understandable. Still, I couldn't condone that the events at Hogwarts, or the views of He Who Cannot Be Named, didn't make him realize just how dangerous turning to black magic can be.
Is this kind of magic maybe too seductive? Does it seem to be the easier path for him? Was it too difficult for him to walk on the "good" side of the path? Could he overcome himself for Lily?
I looked at both of them as I silently listened to their conversation about Lily's sister, Petunia, who is said to have written a letter to Dumbledore asking for admission to Hogwarts. I smiled about their story, but all I really thought about was that Severus could only change for Lily and no one else. His connection to her was too deep. She was and is his anchor, she stands for the good in his life. Was she aware of her importance to him?
Suddenly we saw Bertram Aubrey from Ravenclaw lying on the ground. His head was immensely enlarged and clearly too heavy to walk with.

Severus had his wand out first. "Reductio!"
Bertram got up, wiped the dirt from his cloak and looked at us. His brown eyes were still wide with shock.
"Thanks. Without you, I probably would have lain here for a while." His blond hair fell over his freckled forehead.
"Who was that?" Lily asked glumly.
"Sirius Black and James Potter. I made fun of the last Quidditch game Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw. They didn't seem to like that." he said quietly, and I felt how uncomfortable this situation was for him. Bertram was a fierce Quidditch fanatic and always had a cheeky remark when Ravenclaw honor was at stake. And he wasn't entirely wrong, because last year Gryffindor was beaten by Ravenclaw and Slytherin. There was no reason to play someone so badly.
Lily drew in a sharp breath while Severus grimaced in disgust. And suddenly Argus Filch, the caretaker, turned the corner. As if he was just waiting to catch someone in the act. His eyes glared at us maliciously.
"What's going on here?" he asked in a loud voice. Mrs. Norris, his cat, snuggled around his legs and stared at us. Did he already know what was going on here through Mrs. Norris? Filch is mostly very bad-tempered. Despite working at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Filch was constantly resentful of the students. He frequently suspected all of us of doing forbidden things if we just walked through the castle. But as you can see here, his suspicions were often justified.
Bertram was silent and I realized that he didn't want to tell anything about the hex, but Severus insisted on slandering his arch-enemies and told him everything.
"So twice the head size, yes? Aubrey?" asked Flich and wrote it down on a card.
Bertram nodded. He lowered his eyes to the ground in front of him.
"Very well, that gives those scalawags at least five detentions. I'll report this to the Headmaster right away. Witchcraft outside of class is forbidden." he murmured happily to himself as Christmas had just been brought forward.
Satisfied, Filch stumped off to the Headmaster's office. Bertram gave us a quick look. It was obvious that while he was uncomfortable with the situation, he didn't want to be so resentful that James and Sirius were being punished for it. Did he fear further attacks against himself? But before we could say anything else about him Bertram hurried quickly towards Ravenclaw Tower.
"Those curses in the hallways need to stop!" Lily stated, shaking her head. Her bright green eyes sparkled angrily.
"It's all down to Potter and Black. They think they can impress others with it. As if a magnifying spell were that. That's second-grade level.", said Severus in disgust. At the same time, I got the impression that he was enjoying Lily's anger. As if he could prove to her what James and Sirius were really like. Did Lily even need that reminder?
"You keep thinking it's all the two of them. Has it ever occurred to you that people from your house could also be behind this?" Lily asked with raised eyebrows. I bit my lower lip. Why did she protect them both? Because they were from our house? I looked uncertainly at Severus, who now seemed tense.
Severus looked at her in irritation. I saw how he threw off his answer, but apparently he didn't want to provoke a new argument because he was silent.
So, we walked and parted in the Great Hall. We still ate the same foods in the same room. Separate and yet together, right?

The Christmas party at Slughorn's was coming up. I've been overlooked due to a lack of famous friends or background. But with the help of Severus and Lily in Potions classes, my skill level has continued to rise to the point that Slughorn himself invited me to his club. Even though Lily assured me that otherwise I would have just become her companion.
"Oh, Sirius didn't invite me again this year." Mary said mournful, watching us. We examined each other in the bathroom.
"But James and Sirius don't want to go at all this year," Lily said. How did she know? I looked at her inquiringly. Did her cheeks turn pink?
"Yeah, they don't go to Slughorn's parties. I can't understand at all. I envy you a little. You look really beautiful." Mary looked us up and down in awe.
"If you want, you're welcome to be my companion, Mary." said Lily and smiled encouragingly at Mary.
Mary thought for a moment and shook her head. "No, I'd rather use the time and try to get Sirius' attention in the common room with a game of Exploding Snap." Then she eyed us both again. "But I don´t understand why you two styed unaccompanied."
"Oh, we wanted it that way. Believe me, some have asked us.", said Lily happy. But she could only speak for herself. Nobody asked me, which doesn't really surprise me, since I wasn't as popular as they were. And given my shyness in the last school years, this was not surprising either. Besides, she wasn't entirely right in her assertion.
"But Lily, we do have an escort!" I said indignantly.
"Well, it´s not a right one, only a good friend."
"Not that Snape again? I do not understand you! He is hanging out with Mucliber. Mulciber!" Mary´s face twisted in disgust and hate. An expression I didn´t recognize from her before. She really had changed. But was it a miracle, after everything she had experienced?
"Mmm, I know. I dislike it too, Mary. But maybe he will change." Lily tossed her red hair and the scent of violets permeated the room.
Mary raised her eyebrows in doubt. "I wish you luck. But I only say one thing: Slytherin!"
"Oh, come on. Why always these prejudices?" I asked with a bitter voice. This constant house rivalry was starting to annoy me.
"Why? Are you really asking? You are too naive, Catherine!", said Lily. She narrowed her eyes at me and frowned in irritation. Was it so hard to understand why I loathed that talk?
"If you think so." I said in a low voice, thinking about it. I got it a little, because many of the House of the Snake were clearly from families that hated Muggleborns. But by no means all of them. And Severus? I really didn´t know if he was one of them. But he was friends with us two. Didn´t that count? And that was proof that not everyone hated Muggleborns.
"I'm sorry, Lily! But I think we have different views." I said, trying to sound forgiving. Wasn't she the one who always saw the good in everything? Or had something changed in that?
"Yes, that may be." she said softly. But suddenly a smile came to her lips again. "I think it's good that you give your opinion, even if it differs from mine. You are making progress! I like that!" Lily said with joy and appreciation in her voice.
I grinned. She really helped me become more confident in my words.
Lily and I got dressed up and walked into the common room, giggling. Whistles sounded. They came from James and Sirius' corner.
"Man, look at those two, James. It's hard to decide which of the two is prettier. Both are real eye candy." Sirius said so loudly that everyone eyed us.
"Don't worry, you don't have to, Sirius. Neither of us are interested in you." I answered quickly. A few in the room laughed at my remark. Although I was more confident now, this attention was still too much for me.
James still gaped at Lily. She seemed flattered and I was horrified to see a smile on her lips and a touch of pink on her cheeks.
"For real? James Potter? Are you serious, Lily?" I whispered as we left the room.
"No, of course not. I think he's a terrible braggart. He makes me sick." It sounded sincere, but her body language said the opposite. It got me thinking.
We went to the dungeons together. Of course, Severus was ready to intercept us, or rather Lily. He had dressed up a bit too and was wearing a black cloak lightly decorated with silver thread. I knew he bought it used in Diagon Alley. Probably to shine in front of Lily on such occasions. Severus too was simply blown away by Lily's appearance. He glanced at me only briefly out of the corner of his eye. I felt a big lump in my throat and had to swallow. Severus only had eyes for her.
It made me angry and an inexplicable heat rose in my head. I looked pretty too, didn't I? At least that's what Sirius, the old womanizer, meant before.
I looked in a large mirror as I passed. The emerald dress robes suited me, even though they were as used as Severus's. My waist-length hair lay in light waves and caressed my face.
But I glanced at Lily in her blue and rich robe. Her red hair shone brighter than her green eyes. Yes, maybe I just don't have a chance against such a wonderful person.
Nevertheless I didn't like the thought of rivalry between us girls. Where did this suddenly come from? Why did I even feel this? Was it because of the obvious affection Severus felt for her? I just don't want to think like that and shook those negative feelings aside. So, I turned to Professor Slughorn, who greeted us warmly.
Severus and Lily were very close that night. Feeling out of place, I squeezed in between Alice and Frank. I didn't seem to bother them this time and we had a lot of fun. Slughorn mainly introduced us to Aurors who were in the service of the Ministry of Magic. He probably knew about the career aspirations of the two. To me, however, he didn't seem to seek many connections. I knew exactly what I wanted to be after Hogwarts, even if it meant a lot of learning. But I never wanted to be as helpless as I was when Mary was in danger.
However, my gaze often wandered to Lily and Severus. They both looked so happy together. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
As I threw myself on my bed, tears rolled down my cheeks. I reached for a cotton handkerchief from the inside pocket of my robes. It was his one. I spread it out and saw the initials E.S.- it was his mother's handkerchief. I pressed it to my heart. Severus had given me a piece of his family. Maybe I meant something to him after all?

The next morning was the last day of school before the holidays. Christmas decorations were everywhere, the suits of armour sang Christmas carols, and twelve large fir trees were beautifully decorated in the Great Hall. I enjoyed the glitter in the eyes of my classmates.
Lily, Severus and I had arranged to meet up after the last Charms lesson to finish the last homework together.
As Severus trudged up the stairs from the dungeon, I accidentally dropped my book, which slid across the antechamber. It landed right in front of him. Grinning, he picked it up.
"Very cocky, Catherine." He smirked. I ran towards him to take the book from him, which he held out to me. Suddenly Lily's voice interrupted us.
"Oh, there's a mistletoe over you!"
Severus and I slowly looked above us. We stood in front of an unused classroom number 11, which only served as a storage room. And right above the entrance this mistletoe was growing. As if this plant really wanted to laugh at me.
"Indeed." Severus stated in a low voice, uneasy. My heart beats faster and I just stood there frozen like ice as Severus turned to go.
"Hey, go ahead! Give each other a little kiss! You're spoiling the whole Christmas spirit!" Lily laughed out loud. Severus took a quick look around and noticed that there was no one there but us. He sighed in resignation and suddenly leaned towards me. He gently pressed his lips to mine. It was just a fleeting kiss, barely a touch, but it was enough to confirm within me everything I already suspected. I love him with all my heart. Truly, deeply and intimately.
As he walked away from me, his eyes were wide and he looked at me confused. We looked each other up and down for a moment before Lily's laughter interrupted us.
"You see, there's nothing wrong with it. A Mistletoe grew over me and Xenophilius Lovegood yesterday. That might have been funny."
"And, you...? Did you kiss him?" Severus seemed to focus his attention on Lily again, while I could still feel his warm lips on mine. I could never forget this first kiss. I was already aware of that in this silly moment.
"Sure, it's kind of part, isn't it? A little bit of love." Lily giggled in amusement at the puzzled expression on Severus' face. I wondered if he was sorry at that I was standing under that mistletoe with him and not Lily. But the joy that he kissed me outweighed in this situation in my thoughts.
When we started our Charms homework, I was distracted. I watched him dreamily as he consulted books and filled his parchment in a tight and tiny handwriting. I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to do it again. Preferably here and now. Feel his lips, the touch of his hands.
Suddenly he looked up and straight into my face. Heat gripped my body and I felt myself turning red. I quickly looked at my almost empty parchment.
"Do you need help, Catherine?" he asked in a soft voice like he always did when he thought I needed an exchange of ideas with him on an essay.
"No, thank you, Severus. Everything is okay. I'm just having a hard time concentrating." I replied, trying to sound relaxed.
"Why?" He lowered his quill and looked at me in wonder. In my head I searched for a suitable excuse, which wasn't easy under his doubtful gaze.
"Um, I think because it's the last day of class. Tomorrow it will be empty here and…" I began and couldn't find an end to the sentence.
"Finally calmer?" he finished my unfinished words.
"Yes, I think I'll finish my homework tomorrow." I said quickly and noisily closed my book, filled my bag and left for an early dinner. I saw Lily watching me go with raised eyebrows while Severus went back to his essay with an expressionless face, seemingly unimpressed by my quick exit.? Was he still thinking about our kiss? Or wasn't it relevant to him? Is it even possible that he could think of me as his girlfriend? But after all, he only had eyes for Lily. And that would certainly not change anytime soon, if ever.
These questions kept me from sleeping all night.