In this chapter, Cordelia and Lucie will get a chance to speak about everything that happened. I think the last book didn't do their friendship justice, so I had to rewrite their conversation as well. Them working together more will also influence the events later. We don't see Matthew in this chapter, but I promise that there'll be more of him soon. And of Alastair and Thomas!
The song to this chapter is 'Every Breaking Wave' by U2.
I don't own the characters or places!
After the meeting at the Devil Tavern, Cordelia accompanied James, Lucie and Jesse to the Institute. Matthew went with Anna and Ariadne, so she didn't get a chance to talk to him. However, she didn't mind. Somehow, Cordelia wanted her next conversation with Matthew to be in private.
Cordelia felt uncomfortable during their walk and especially when they decided to have their conversation in James' old room. It was hard to look at James, remembering everything that happened between them. She still felt drawn to him, but there was something else now. Something new. Hesitation. Cautiousness. It was like she wasn't sure about her feelings for him, if her love was still as strong as before. It was strange, her love for James had always been a part of her. Something she didn't even need to think of.
Telling them about the events in Paris and the things they heard, both in the Carbaret de l'Enfer and from Lilith, was easy. Even if they didn't know what it meant, they knew that it was important. They had to find out more about it. They wake. But who? And when? If Belial didn't want James to see more about it, it had to be bad for the Shadowhunters.
Cordelia had also hoped that she would get a chance to speak to Lucie after she'd told them about what happened, but she didn't get a chance. Instead, Bridget showed up and called them all for dinner. Cordelia knew that it was her cue to leave. She excused herself and it didn't surprise her at all that James offered to accompany her to the door. It felt uncomfortable, walking next to him. Being so close and yet so far apart.
Outside, he handed her a pair of gloves. Her gloves. "You left these when you went to Paris. I wanted to return them to you. My apologies - I've been carrying them around all this time and meant to give them to you earlier."
She took them from him with a frown. "But why have you been carrying them around?" She wanted to know, confused by his confession.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I want to be honest with you. Very honest, because I think it is the only hope we have to come out of this. And I do still hope, Daisy. I will not bother you about it, about you and me, but I will not give up on us either."
Cordelia stared at him in surprise, not having expected this turn of conversation. "I went after you that night. The night you left. I followed you to Matthew's, and then to the train station. I was on the platform, I saw you board the train. I would have gone after you, but my father had tracked me to Waterloo. Lucie had disappeared, and I had to go after her."
Cordelia looked at the gloves in her hands, her thoughts racing. "You were there? On the train station platform?" She considered if it would have changed anything. Would she have stayed in London, knowing that James came after her? Or would she have left with Matthew anyway?
"Yes." James whispered and for a moment, it looked as if he wanted to reach out and take her hands. However, he stopped himself in the last moment. "I wanted you to know. I went after you the moment I knew you'd left. I didn't wait until hurt pride settled in or anything like that. I realized you were leaving and I ran after you, because when someone you love is leaving, all you think about is getting them back."
His face was close to hers now. So close that she could easily close the distance between them and kiss him. It would be so easy, just taking James back. Everything would be as before again.
But then the image of Matthew appeared in her mind. Matthew and the lights of Paris, how happy he had looked during their short time there. And of course there were the reasons why she'd left in the first place. Grace. The fact that their marriage was just a farce. They'd agreed on one year, not more. Could she really just forget all of that?
The decision was taken from her when a carriage rolled into the courtyard, ready to take her back to Cornwall Gardens. "Thank you. For the gloves." Cordelia said and without waiting for a reply, she walked away from the Institute and James.
Later that night, Cordelia was lying in bed at Cornwall Gardens, a book in her hands. She'd considered going directly to sleep after arriving, but too many thoughts were running through her head. It felt strange, being in this room again. Like she was only a guest at someone else's place. When she thought of home, the house at Curzon Street still came to her mind. But was it really home? Living there with James felt like a dream, but she'd always known that it wouldn't last. They'd agreed on one year and he never loved her. Or did he? His words came back to her mind and she forced back a frustrated sigh. I realized you were leaving and I ran after you, because when someone you love is leaving, all you think about is getting them back. How could he change his mind so suddenly? He'd always loved Grace, it was never a secret between them. So why did he say those things now? What changed?
Cordelia decided that it was of no use to keep thinking about it. It would only lead to more confusion, especially when Matthew's face appeared in her mind once more. How tired and tormented he'd looked at the Devil Tavern. At the moment, it felt like all she could do was hurt people.
And then there was also the baby, her little brother or sister, who'd be born soon. She didn't want them to see the light of day when its big sister was so undecided about every aspect of her life, and - even worse - bound to a demon.
She forced herself to concentrate on the book in her hands. It was one about the paladins Christopher had gotten them. Unfortunately, the words weren't encouraging. It seemed like it had never occurred before that someone was an unwilling paladin. Most of them wanted to be one and have the power that came along with it. Powers that were described very differently in the stories. They could fight harder, jump higher, some could even heal wounds they'd caused with their sworn weapons. She didn't understand the last part, but most probably, it was only an old story someone had made up centuries ago.
Suddenly, the silence in her room was broken by a thump, nearly as if something hit her window. Cordelia froze and listened for a few moments. It reminded her of another night, not so long ago. Matthew had come to see her and they'd talked about many things. This may be a false marriage,he'd said, but you're truly in love with James. It had been the first time someone saw through her facade so easily.
Thump, thump. This time, the sound was louder and suddenly, the window opened and someone climbed through, accompanied by lots of snow from outside. Cordelia dropped her book and jumped out of bed, ready to defend herself, when she realized that she couldn't draw a weapon. So she opened her mouth, ready to shout for Alastair. Only then did she recognize that the person who'd just stumbled inside her bedroom was Lucie.
She sat back down on the bed and stared at her best friend, speechless. Lucie shut the window and hurried over to the fire. She was wearing a long, heavy cloak over her gear and her hair was undone, falling down her back in brown waves.
"Lucie." Cordelia said quietly, finding her voice back. "You must be freezing. What on earth are you doing, coming through the window? Risa would have let you up, you could have used the front door."
"I didn't want to." Lucie muttered and glanced over her shoulder at Cordelia, her hands still in front of the fire. "Back at the Devil Tavern, you said we needed to talk. We didn't get a chance at the Institute, so here I am." Her best friend sighed. "Things can't go on as they have been."
Cordelia thought of all the secrets between them. How she'd found herself unable to talk to Lucie about her feelings concerning James. How Lucie had kept working together with Grace to bring Jesse back secret. She nodded in agreement. "We need to be honest with each other." Lucie looked a little surprised at her statement, but she nodded as well.
"When you married James, I thought it would bring us closer together. But it has driven us further apart." Lucie didn't try to hide her sadness at this confession.
Cordelia gestured for her to sit down on the bed as well. After a few moments of hesitation, Lucie took off her cloak and did. She left a distance between Cordelia and herself, but it was fine. Getting her to sit down felt like a small victory. Cordelia remembered her last words to Lucie after their return to London. Words she regretted deeply. She'd never told Lucie this, though.
With a deep breath, she decided that it was time to set aside her pride and be honest. "I'm sorry, Lucie." She whispered and toyed with the sheets in front of her, needing to do something with her hands. "I feel like I've let you down ever since I came to London. So much has happened, sometimes it all feels so unreal to me."
"Cordelia..." Lucie began, but she shook her head, not wanting to be interrupted.
"All I wanted to do was safe my father. To be a good Shadowhunter. To be your parabatai. I feel like I've failed at everything. And James..." She swallowed. "You know that this is a false marriage. Even I thought that it could have been real at some point, but it isn't. Grace... He's always loved her. He'll always love her. And then there's Lilith..." She felt tears in her eyes and blinked them away furiously. "I'm sorry."
"James doesn't love Grace." Lucie whispered, but the expression on her face looked insecure. "At least I don't think so. Those past days without you... it's like he can't live without you, Daisy. He's incredibly sad, I've never seen him like this."
"It's hard to believe." She considered not telling Lucie about what she'd seen the night they left for Paris, not wanting to make her think badly about her brother. But in the end, the words just left her and she couldn't stop. She didn't look at Lucie while telling her tale, not sure if she could stand the resentment she would surely see on her face. But when she looked up in the end, Lucie didn't look angry. She just looked sad and... guilty?
"Oh Daisy, I'm so sorry!" Without hesitation, Lucie moved closer and wrapped her arms around Cordelia. "If I'd known... I'd have never worked together with Grace! I'm sorry! And James..." She shook her head. "I don't know what's gotten into him!"
In the embrace of her best friend, Cordelia couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "I don't want you to think badly of James just because of all this."
"My brother can be incredibly stupid at times." Lucie muttered. "I am angry at him. But mostly, I'm disappointed in him for hurting you so badly."
"You shouldn't feel bad about working with Grace." The words felt bitter in Cordelia's mouth. "You did it for Jesse."
"I could have done all this without her." Lucie moved back so they could look at each other. "Knowing what she did to you..." She grimaced. "I made a bad choice."
"You're in love." Cordelia smiled slightly, wonder in her voice. "We all make bad choices in the name of that." Like lying for James and agreeing to marry him in the end. "Does Jesse make you happy?"
Lucie's whole face lit up and she smiled. "Very much."
"Then it's fine. I would like to meet him, get to know him. Today was not a good chance to do so." Cordelia had to admit that she was curious about him. Back at their meeting, he'd always been so calm, a steady presence in the room, analysing everything and talking only when it was necessary. She knew that she could like him if they got to know each other better.
"Oh Daisy, I would love that!" Lucie puller her closer again, this time out of excitement. "And I'm sure Jesse would also love to get to know you! I've already told him so much!"
In this moment, she couldn't help herself. She laughed. "I'm glad he makes you happy, Lucie. And I'm sorry that I couldn't help you with all this." She didn't voice that she still felt disappointed because Lucie had lied to her. She did the same thing with James and Grace, so she had no right to judge her.
"I should have told you." Lucie repeated. "No more secrets?"
"Parabatai are supposed to tell each other everything." Cordelia said with a nod. "But Lucie, about that..."
"You're not sure if we can become parabatai while you're still bound to Lilith." Lucie finished her sentence, looking unhappy. "I get it. Or I'm trying to."
Cordelia took her hands. "We'll figure it out." She said with more confidence than she felt. "Once the bond is broken, we can perform the ceremony. I promise."
"Then we should hurry up with that." A stern determination appeared on Lucie's face. "Did you already find anything?" She gestured at the book from Christopher.
Cordelia shook her head with a sigh. "Nothing."
"Then we have to look harder." It was obvious how important it was to Lucie. Cordelia smiled.
"But not tonight." She argued softly. "Tomorrow is another day."
"Then tell me about Paris." Lucie demanded. "I am not ready to leave again just yet."
Cordelia chuckled softly. "The city is wonderful." She began and told her about the city and everything they'd seen there. Lucie didn't leave for a long time.
After having seen Cordelia, Lucie felt like a big weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It felt good to have a real, a honest conversation with her once more. In the past weeks, there had been far too many secrets between them.
In hindsight, Lucie was also happy that Cordelia had decided to apologize first. She wasn't sure if she could have talked about it so calmly otherwise, considering how emotional she felt about everything that happened. Most probably, it would have led to a much bigger fight and made everything even worse. She shivered at that thought.
On her way to the Institute, many thoughts were running through her head. Mostly, she thought of what Cordelia told her about James and Grace. It hurt deeply to see her best friend in such a state. Never before did she see Cordelia cry. She was so composed all of the time, it was obvious how much James' behaviour had hurt her. She loves him, she thought with a sigh. She was in love with him, but it appeared like he didn't realize it, being too caught up in his feelings for Grace. But why did he feel so miserable then, if he still was in love with Grace Blackthorn? In the past days, he'd acted like he would die without Cordelia. It all didn't make any sense.
She knew that she couldn't confront James about it. Cordelia had begged her not to do that, and Lucie wouldn't break her trust again. But what could she do instead? Her first instinct had been talking to Jesse, but that would also give away Cordelia's secret. And Jesse was Grace's brother... No, she couldn't tell Jesse about it. It was not her story to tell.
When Lucie arrived at the Institute, the night was nearly over. She knew that she should get some sleep. Otherwise, she wouldn't be of much use the next day. But when she walked through the corridors silently and passed Jesse's room, the door suddenly opened and he stood in the doorway. He wore only trousers and a shirt with the sleeves pulled up, and for a few moments, Lucie felt herself unable to look away.
"I saw you leave a few hours ago." Jesse whispered, not hiding the concern in his eyes. "When you didn't come back, I began to feel restless."
Lucie looked around, knowing that it wasn't wise to talk to him in the hallway. He seemed to realize it as well and gestured for her to come into his room. She only hesitated half a second before she did. "I went to see Cordelia." She explained as soon as the door was closed behind them. "To talk about everything that happened."
"I assume it went well?" Jesse asked, making her look at him in surprise. He chuckled softly. "You look much happier than you did before, Lucie. Like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders."
"It indeed went well." Lucie nodded, the fact that Jesse could see through her so easily making her smile. However, it also reminded her that she had to choose her words carefully now, if she didn't want to give away Daisy's secrets. In short words, she summarized that they'd talked about all that has been left unsaid between them in the past weeks. She didn't mention James or Grace, but something in Jesse's expression told her that he could imagine that something happened there as well. In the end, he told him about their determination to become parabatai once Cordelia's bond with Lilith was broken. "We need to find a way to help her." She finished. "Cordelia is so sad because of all this, I know it kills her that she's not able to draw a weapon."
"She's a warrior." Jesse nodded in understanding. "We will find a way to break the bond." He sounded so sure of it, as if it was a fact rather than nearly impossible. Lucie closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around him.
"I'm glad you're here, Jesse." She whispered against his chest.
"Me too, Lucie." She could hear the smile in his voice. "Me too."
