You make me feel like a fool
Waiting for you
I thought we could eat bread
I thought we could talk
On darker days
With our boots kicked off
You look to me
And I look away
Though I had been
Looking
- Fool by Franlie Cosmos

My father had already said goodbye to me in front of the platform. So, I stood alone at the Hogwarts Express and watched the hustle and bustle. The first years standing nervously with their parents, the animals screeching, all the commotion. And I was amused that I was one of them. I tried to survey the crowd and find a red-haired girl with full lips and bright green eyes.
When I thought of Lily, a smile automatically formed on my lips in anticipation of seeing her, laughing and joking with her again, because that was something I missed so much over the holidays. In general, I had trouble forgetting the last few weeks at Hogwarts. I bit my lower lip painfully at the thought. It had just gone horribly, I felt horrible, helpless and disappointed. It took many books to get me through this unusually long summer vacation. Trying not to think about him took all my willpower, it actually seemed like a losing battle, because the more I didn't want to think about the boy with the black hair and eyes, the more I did. I closed my eyes and only heard what was going on around me.
When I opened my lids again, I suddenly saw him standing on the edge, His black hair and his slim, tall figure. My heart skipped a beat. Severus stood hunched slightly next to a thin and sullen looking woman with pale skin who resembled him a lot. That had to be his mother, Eileen Snape. She kept talking to him, but he just shook his head. She looked at him in disgust before turning and walking back to the muggle platform. I slowly walked with uncertain steps towards him as if an invisible hand wanted to lead me to him. Severus stared stiffly at the floor in front of him like he was lost. I was quick with him as he looked up and saw my face. His eyes fixed on me and widened in surprise to see me, his body seemed to tense. He seemed like he expected me to yell at him or hurt him? I wanted to tell him that he should apologize, swear off that You-Know-Who and return to the friendly arms of me and Lily. I opened my mouth to say something, but an arm pulled me aside.
"Here you are, Catherine. Come on, let's find a part in the train with Mary and Alice! They are over there and waiting for us." I continued to stare into Severus' black eyes, which turned instantly to Lily. Only now did she notice his presence and gave him a look of deep dislike and pulled me with her. I turned back to him, his dark eyes twinkling after us. His look. So disappointed, so lonely, so broken. My heart clenched. Did he really deserve this? My heart clenched with outrage, but I did nothing to tear myself away from Lily, my bond with her was too strong. And I tried to remember what he supported.

As we sat in our compartment, I was delighted to see Lily, Mary and Alice. It didn't take long and Marlene and Dorcas sat down with us. We got along very well, and Mary was starting to seem like the Mary she was before Mulciber attacked her. Mary raved about Sirius, which visibly amused Dorcas and Marlene. Lily contemplated who would deserve more of Mary's favor instead, and I enjoyed the hustle and bustle around me. Finally, being back at Hogwarts made me happy, even if I now had to be without Severus. He certainly wouldn't miss me. And the loud conversations and the laughter of the others distracted me from my thoughts of him, but only for this short period of time.
At Hogwarts, seeing Severus almost every day gave me a pang. But often he didn't see me, just Lily, whom he often watched from afar. I felt his loneliness and despair, which was literally palpable for me. At least Sirius and James seemed to leave him alone. Sometimes I'm not sure if they're still secretly bullying him because their looks at each other are filled with a disgust I've never seen on other people.
But I couldn't forgive the words from Severus either and I couldn't take his closeness anymore without losing myself, I could no longer inflict such unbearable pain on myself. Seeing him suffering because of Lily while he didn't care about me. Was I the mudblood to sacrifice? The one that wasn't worth receiving an apology and my friendship meant nothing to him after the past few months. These thoughts burned in my head. And so, I avoided his gaze, I avoided him, even though my heart was pounding hard against my chest when I saw him as if it were rebelling against my decision and would have an opinion about it all.
And the lessons with him were also unbearable for me although I tried to distract myself with the study material and Lily and I automatically took the seat farthest from him. We took almost all school subjects together. So I saw him in N.E.W.T classes in Potions, Herbology, Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts. Only in Care of Magical Creatures I had peace of mind. Despite the distance we tried to create, it was incredibly difficult for me and at night I often dreamed of him and a future together that seemed so far-fetched.
Already in the first potions lesson I was put on a hard test. In the first lesson of the new school year, Professor Slughorn was always happy to introduce special potions that we usually need to know in the upcoming tests. We were arranged in a semicircle around three different potions, next to me was Lily. From this school year, everyone was in a class that had the respective N.E.W.T. Course taken so that Hufflepuff, Ravenclaws, Slytherins and Gryffindors lined up.
"I'm showing my new N.E.W.T. Students a few potions each year to craft after they graduate. Although you may not have made these yourself, you may have heard of them. Do you know what that one is on my left?" asked the Potions Master, his loud voice echoing around the dungeon room.
Severus, Lily, James, Remus and Sirius raised their hands. I leaned forward and saw the clear appearance of Veritaserum.
"Please, Mister Potter!"
"It's a potion called Veritaserum that makes the drinker tell the truth even when they really don't want to."
"Very good, my boy. Well, this one is also quite well known, who can-?" The same hands went up again.
"Miss Evans, please enlighten us."
"Polyjuice Potion. It transforms the drinker into the person they want to be for about an hour. You need something from the person for that, like a hair or a fingernail."
"Excellent! Well then, this one is probably the most dangerous potion of all. Mister Snape, tell us about the potion right in front of you!"
"Amorentia. A powerful love potion that induces obsession in the victim, but not true love. It is distinctive for its mother-of-pearl sheen, and steam rises from the potion in spirals. It smells to each of us what we find attractive."
Severus gazed in our direction. He paled as if for the first time he realized how much he actually loved Lily. James didn't miss his adoring look at us either, and I saw his face darken and hatred flare up in him.
"Very good. If you want, you are welcome to come here and smell it to explore what you value most in your life." he prompted us, while Severus quickly took a few steps back, for he had already had this dubious pleasure.
One by one, each student stepped in front of the potion and got strange facial expressions, some of them giggling. Lily was one of them, too, and as she bent slightly over the potion, her eyes widened briefly as if she'd gained some new insight and she blushed. "What did you smell?" I asked her quietly when she came to me. "I smelled strawberries, suntan lotion and..." she trailed off, blushing again and staring at the floor in embarrassment. I sighed because I suspected something. After James Potter gave Lily certain looks after sniffing the potion, I stepped forward and bent slightly over the rising steam...old books, the sea and... I immediately recognized the smell of leather bindings that often accompanied him and his very own scent. Severus Snape. I caught my breath and cleared my throat as I walked back to Lily. "What's wrong? You look so pale all of a sudden." Lily barely whispered. I swallowed because I had hoped that this infatuation could eventually wear off. But that seemed hopeless, and I had to accept the thought that it wouldn't be easy, if not impossible.
"Oh, I think the wafts of fog just robbed me of oxygen. It wasn't anything I didn't expect." I explained quietly. It had become quiet around us. A lot of people seemed to be thinking about what they just smelled.
"Yes, that's always quite enlightening, isn't it? Well, today we're going to focus on another, very difficult potion called the Potion of Living Death. We've got about an hour left, that should be enough for you. So, get going!" There was a scrape as everyone drew up their cauldrons.
At the end of the lesson, Professor Slughorn was particularly taken with Severus and Lily's potions, but he was also enthusiastic about the potions from Remus, Sirius, James and me.
"I can see that you have all come to my class rightly. Very good! Very good!"

A few days later I met Severus in the corridor. I had a stack of books on oblivion spells in my hands. We were just covering these in Charms and I found them very useful and interesting. Maybe I should hex myself to forget I have feelings for Severus Snape?
With that thought he came around the corner, clearly on his way to the library. Shocked, I dropped the books on the floor with a loud bang. Face flushed, I quickly bent down to avoid his gaze. But he remained standing in front of me, his slender fingers gracefully handing me a book that had fallen his way.
"Oblivion Spells? Are you not good enough at it now? I overheard Flitwick praising your great talent at it in the last lesson," he says barely under his breath.
I stare at him. I hardly want to let a sound pass my lips and he tried to catch my gaze, which I couldn't escape.
"Thanks!" I croak, taking the book from him with a slightly shaking hand, but he turned his attention to my face.
"Would you like me to help you?" he asked, looking hopefully at me as I balanced the books in my arms.
"No, it's fine." I said disparagingly, but my heart rebelled against it. His dark eyes met mine sadly, letting me feel the coldness in my own veins that I had felt. "At least you don't ignore me like Lily. How… how is she?" he asked, seemingly casually.
"Very good." I snapped back and angrily stomped past him into Gryffindor tower.
So, he just wanted to talk to me about Lily again. And I thought he would apologize to me. How can I be so naive? I could hardly concentrate on reading.

Shortly thereafter, the twelve-week course at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to learn how to Apparate begun. The purpose of the course was to obtain a license to Apparate from the age of seventeen. Since I'll be 17 in July, I was allowed to take part in the practice sessions with the others from my year group, even though I wasn't able to take the exam until the summer.
A very young wizard from the Ministry was our Apparition teacher.
"He looks really good. Is he much older than us?" Mary asked me softly. I eyed him, he was tall with auburn hair and a gorgeous smile.
"I don't know, I'm guessing maybe five years older." I whispered to her.
"Then he's definitely within our means." Lily stated, giggling.
Behind us, James kicked his hoop angrily, sending it rolling away. But Severus had also positioned himself close to us and looked very angry. The sight of him made my heart beat faster and I got visibly nervous.
"Hello, students. My name is Gideon Prewett and I'm covering for a colleague who unfortunately has dragonpox. Unfortunately he infected the entire department and we hope for the best for everyone." He looked past the crowd of students and his gaze lingered on me for a moment. "That's nothing to worry about though, I think I'll still be able to teach you all how to Apparate."
He winked at me. Or did I imagine it? Mary cleared her throat next to me.
"Do you know him?", she asked curiously and a little jealousy resonated in her question.
"No, not that I know of." I eyed him while he and the Heads of House checked on the floor whether we were sufficiently far away from our neighbours. Apparently, he only sensed my nervousness, which had nothing to do with the Apparition, but was part of me.
"If you wish to Apparate, you must focus on the desired location with immense willpower and at the same time intend to disappear from your current location. We're talking about an expanded ability here, and as you practice there are likely to be realizations if you're not focused. But we are all here to fix possible negative consequences. Because of this, we're trying to have you Apparate into the hoops in front of you first. You may have heard of the "three golden D's": Destination, Determination and Deliberation. You must be totally determined to achieve your goal and move unhurriedly but with deliberation. Focus on the inside of your tire! Realize that you desperately want to leave your current location to be in this circle. Revolve around you and think firmly of your goal. So, let's get started then. Three goes 1,2,3."
I turn around my own axis, but instead of disappearing, I clearly stumble. I tip over to the side, but I feel a strong hand grab my arm. With half my body hanging sideways towards the ground, the other half was in Gideon Prewett's arms. It must have looked very amusing. He smiled charmingly at me, his startling amber brown eyes twinkled.
"Maybe next time not so enthusiastically!" he laughed and straightened me up again. I felt myself blush as Mary giggled loudly next to me.
He then continued walking down the rows and correctly repositioned other slipped hoops. I looked around and saw that others had also landed on the ground. Not a single student had managed to land in their hoop. They all looked around, quite disappointed. Only Severus was positively glowing with anger. Was it so important to him to be the first to Apparate? He was always very ambitious and he probably wanted to prove to Lily that he was a gifted wizard. As if he still had to. I've seen what he can create, and I know that Lily also recognized his extraordinary talents.
"Don't be disappointed, nobody does it the first time. We just try until it works. Have confidence in your abilities. And focus again..."
During the lesson, none of us managed to Apparate. But our teacher gave us so much confidence for the next few hours with his engaging smile that hardly anyone was bothered.

"I think our teacher fancies you." noted Lily in the Gryffindor common room as we all sat about our homework.
"Nonsense. What makes you think that?" I asked unsure and tried to avoid her gaze.
"The way he's been looking at you the whole lesson. It was obvious, wasn't it Mary?" she asked another giggling Gryffindor.
"Yes, unfortunately he only had eyes for you." replied Mary, amused.
"I haven't noticed anything of the sort." I replied firmly. "He must have just been nice because he sensed my insecurity." Why did the girls want to read so much into it?
"He certainly didn't catch the rest of us," added Mary.
"I think by the time you notice something like that he'd have to tell you or kiss you right away." Lily giggled.
"Well, I'm just not very good at flirting or spotting advances." I stated with a shrug.
I didn't care about any boy or man inside or outside of Hogwarts because all I could think of in my head was a Slytherin and he didn't look happy at all today. Was he mad because Lily found our teacher attractive? Or because he didn't manage to Apparate successfully in the first hour?
I opened my book on Advanced Potions by Libatius Borage to continue writing my essay for Professor Slughorn, thereby ending the conversation with the girls. Though my mind kept wandering to those black eyes, I successfully finished my essay on Gregory's Unctuous Unction, a potion that fools the thirster into thinking you're their best friend. A dangerous potion in the wrong hands. I hoped that I would never fall victim to such potions.