Here's the next chapter! I'm sorry that it's so short, normally I tend to write much longer ones! But I hope you enjoy it anyway. This one is entirely about Cordelia and Matthew. I had to use some of the dialogue from the book, but I changed many details to let things take a different turn in future chapters.
The song to this chapter is 'Trying Not To Love You' by Nickelback.
I don't own the characters or places!
Getting into the Hell Ruelle was surprisingly easy. Cordelia had only visited a few times before, but it seemed as if she was already known and they let her enter without problems. She tried not to think of what it meant to be known in a place like this. While she made her way through the crowd slowly, she tried not to feel guilty. After all, she'd climbed out of her window to get out of the house unnoticed. She didn't want Alastair to worry, because that's what he would do if he knew where she was now. He wouldn't have let her go alone. Not to the Hell Ruelle. Probably also not to see Matthew.
She knew that she had to see him. Anna's words had left her more worried than ever. She knew that Matthew wasn't feeling well, seeing him the previous day at the Devil Tavern had confirmed her fears. But hearing it from Anna was something else entirely. Did she know about Matthew's drinking? Most probably. There weren't many things Anna Lightwood missed. So maybe she'd told Cordelia about how he was feeling deliberately, in the hope that she would search for him.
Her plan had worked. Cordelia wasn't entirely sure if she would really find Matthew here, but she had hope. Because where else could he be? Surely not at his flat, he wouldn't stay there in the evenings all alone. He also wouldn't be with the other Merry Thieves, especially not James. Not after everything that happened.
Unfortunately, Cordelia ran into Hypatia Vex before she could see Matthew. Running into the warlock was the last thing she needed right now, but it couldn't be avoided. After a very uncomfortable conversation about her being a paladin, which only ended because Magnus Bane suddenly showed up, Cordelia got the chance to continue her search for Matthew.
When her eyes finally landed on him, she understood why Anna was worried. The dark circles under his eyes were even more pronounced than the previous day and there were bruises at the corners of his mouth. When he reached for his glass, his hands were shaking and she also noticed that his nails were bitten, something Cordelia had never seen before. Normally, Matthew's appearance was so important to him.
When Cordelia approached him, he raised his head. There was surprise on his face when she took the seat across from him. "Cordelia? What are you doing here, in the Ruelle?"
"I came because I thought you'd be here." She explained and noticed that there was gold paint on his hands, from the glass he was holding. A little had smeared on his cheekbone and Cordelia felt the sudden urge to wipe it away.
"I thought you didn't want to see me." Matthew's voice was unusually quiet when he said it.
Of course he was right. Cordelia had said it, but only because she'd been angry at both him and James. Not seeing them was what she wanted after returning from Paris, her thoughts and feelings far too confused for her to understand. But she'd regretted her words ever since. "I was worried about you." She admitted, trying to ignore the flash of surprise in his eyes. "You didn't look well yesterday. And when you didn't come to Chiswick today... Ariadne said you were doing her a favour, but I wondered..."
"I was doing her a favour." Matthew threw in quickly. "A bit of investigative work. I'm not entirely useless, you know."
"I don't think you're useless!" She protested, shocked by Matthew's words. How could he even think such a thing? "I would never do that!"
Matthew's expression, which had been a cold mask until now, softened a little. "Cordelia..." He began, but then he fell silent, apparently not sure what he wanted to say himself.
"I was worried, not just about you, but that you didn't want to see me. That that's why you didn't come." Cordelia said slowly, looking at her hands on the table when the truth was finally out.
"Surely we are not going to have an argument about which of us doesn't want to see the other one. It doesn't seem productive." Matthew said quietly, but when she glanced at his face, Cordelia could see that his lips twitched, even if it still looked far too tired.
"I don't want to have an argument at all." She threw in.
"Of course I wanted to see you." He sighed deeply. "There's nothing I want more. But when Ariadne asked me for help, I thought that it could be good to stay away from you for a while. Give you some space. That's what you wanted, after all. Time to think about everything. Everything happened so fast in the past weeks."
"What if I don't want you to give me space?" Cordelia asked, raising her eyebrows. "What if I want you close?"
"James..." Matthew began to protest, but she cut him off.
"This isn't about James. It's about you and me. I want you to stop drinking. It's not good for you. I want you to tell your family the truth about what happened two years ago. I want you to reconcile with your parents." And with James, she added in thoughts. "I want you to be brilliant and wonderful, which you are, and happy, which you are not."
"Just another way that I've failed you." He said quietly.
"You must stop thinking about it that way. You're not failing me or your family. You're failing yourself."
Acting on instinct only, Cordelia held out her hand. He took it and closed his eyes as he entwined their fingers. He bit down on his lower lip and Cordelia couldn't help remembering what it was like to kiss him. How his arms felt around her waist. How his heart had been racing under her touch, just like her own.
Matthew began to draw small circles with his thumb and the action made her shiver. "Matthew..." She began softly, not really knowing what she wanted to tell him. There were many things she needed to say. She wanted to remind him that they couldn't do this, after all, she was married. She wanted him to talk to James about everything, his addiction and also the guilt he was constantly feeling. She also wanted him to accept help so that he was able to recover. However, none of those things left her mouth. She just sat there and looked into Matthew's beautiful green eyes, wondering what would have happened if she had never married James.
"I'm glad you came, Cordelia." He said in the end, and she could see how much he meant it.
"Always." She squeezed his hand and for some time, they just sat there, neither wanting to break the somewhat comfortable silence between them.
In the end, it was Matthew's body that made the decision, making him stumble out of the Ruelle and throwing up in an empty alleyway. Cordelia's heart hurt when she saw him like this.
"Stay away." He muttered when he noticed that she'd followed him. "Please..." There were other people on the street, walking past them, but no one said a thing, even if Matthew wasn't glamoured. A gentleman being sick on the streets of Soho wasn't a rare sight.
When he finally stumbled to his feet again, Cordelia fought the urge to help him. He wouldn't want it. With shaking hands, he pulled his flask from inside his jacket. "It's only water." He said when he noticed her staring at it. Then he took a sip, closing his eyes. After what felt like an eternity, he spoke.
"I know what you said inside. That you wanted me to stop drinking. Well, I've been trying. I haven't had alcohol since... since yesterday." It was obvious how hard it was for him to speak about it.
"Oh Matthew." Her heart was breaking all over. "I don't think it's quite that simple. One can't just stop."
"I always thought I could." He said, his voice sounding far-away. "I thought I could stop anytime I liked. Then I tried, in Paris, on our first day. I was incredibly sick."
"You hid it well." She threw in softly.
"I barely managed twelve hours. And I knew that I wouldn't be of any use in such a state. After all, we'd left to make you feel better. I know it's not an excuse why I lied about stopping. But..." He shook his head and when their eyes met, there was incredible sadness in his green ones. "I'm sorry, Cordelia."
She knew that she could tell him how foolish it had been to lie to her. That she could scold him for even thinking that he could manage it alone. But in the end, she remained quiet. "Let us get you back to your flat. I know things that can help. I remember the times my father tried to stop -"
"But he didn't succeed." Matthew interrupted her, voice bitter. "I'll go home. But alone." She tired not to flinch at his cold voice, a small part of her having already expected the rejection. It hurt nonetheless.
Apparently, she wasn't able to hide her feelings well enough. Suddenly, Matthew looked guilty. "I don't want you to see me like this." His voice was softer this time. "I never did. I can't bear it."
"Then let me accompany you to your house at least. So I know you've arrived safely."
He chuckled at this, and for a few short moments, his eyes were shining. But then he turned serious again. "I'll be fine. Just promise me to go home as well? I can't bear the thought of you being out here all on your own."
"I will." She said, knowing that it would be of no use to argue. So she watched him fetch a cab and leave. Once he was out of sight, Cordelia turned back to the Hell Ruelle, knowing that she had to send a few messages. Even if she couldn't stay with Matthew tonight, it didn't mean that he had to go through it all on his own.
