I want to be older
I want to be stronger
I don't want to fall at the start
I want to be quicker
I want to get closer
Don't want to feel worlds apart
'Cause I'm fast enough to get in trouble
And not fast enough to get away
And I'm old enough to know I'll end up dying
And not young enough to forget again
It's all a fickle game
Life's a fickle game we play
- Fickle Game by Amber Run
In seventh school year, Lily and James, as head girl and head boy, started seeing each other more often about school matters. But when the first autumn leaves began to change colour, they met just like that, alone. I didn't like that because I still thought James Potter was a show-off, but I could feel Lily taking a liking to him more and more.
At one point, in the common room, she even laughed at his stupid jokes. At least then I knew that I was fighting against windmills. Hadn't she called him a braggart and a creep a year ago? I remembered when Severus and I made fun of it that they are always cocky in their group and James wouldn't take on Severus alone. But even then, I noticed that she often secretly glanced at James out of the corner of her eyes when he couldn't see it. Was she already enjoying his advances and just couldn't admit it because he was a friend's enemy? And now that Severus wasn't her friend anymore- could she admit her feelings for James? I didn't dare to ask her these questions myself because I fear for our friendship. I remembered it too well when she avoided me for a while after I confronted her about her feelings for James, even if it was many moons ago. But I didn't have to wait too long when Lily took me aside and talked to me about her feelings for James Potter. She tossed her hair defiantly, her lips moved up and down happily as she spoke, her cheeks flushed as I swallowed. Didn't I already see it coming? And hadn't I subconsciously longed for it in fifth grade, just so that a black-haired boy with deep eyes could then be all mine. I bit my lower lip at that thought. Now that thought was more outlandish than ever. But Lily didn't give up and wanted to know my opinion on James Potter. I made no secret of my ambivalent feelings for these boys, with the glasses and the daring expression that meant danger but was just laughable to me. I reminded her of her own words... poser, kid, troublemaker... and this time she bit her lower lip and I sighed. What did she even need my blessing for?
"Lily, honestly, love falls where it pleases, and if it's James for you, at least you know it's mutual. He's been unable to take his eyes off you since first grade..." like so many others, it went through my head.
"But you find him critical?" she asked, her green eyes looking at me inquiringly.
"He might not be the one I would choose, but he loves you and he'll do anything to make you happy, and that increases my favour immensely," I said softly.
"Thank you, your opinion is important to me. I mean, you know me better than anyone and...you've known my feelings longer than I have." She stated with a grin and it was contagious. She was really a person who made you happy. She gave me a quick hug as she realized I was just as melted as her admirer. "You know what that means?" she asked me, I raised my eyebrows and looked at her questioningly. "It's time to make new friends, Catherine. Sirius, Remus and Peter are certainly nicer than you think." I stiffened at the thought but accepted what seemed inevitable to my fate.
And after James and Lily became a couple in late fall, I was forced to integrate into that group. After many talks I found that Sirius, Remus and James weren't these picks anymore. With their knowledge they had quite a bit on the box. I hadn't realized they were such talented wizards before, as their actions have always put me off investigating them.
While James and Sirius didn't become people I would consider best friends, Remus Lupin got on very well with me. He was nice, accommodating and friendly.
I was happy about Lily's luck too. She seemed to be having a blast with James and more fulfilled than ever. So, I was almost ashamed of my thoughts that James wasn't worthy of her after tormenting Severus so much. But I couldn't forgive him.
I had a split relationship with Peter. I felt sorry for him because he was the most nondescript of them all, but there was something about him that I couldn't interpret. He seemed like a dog running after the other boys without really understanding why. In his eyes I read an expression of lust for power, which frightened me deeply. So, I avoided contact with him as much as possible.
Since Lily and James met a lot alone as lovers from November onwards, I often stuck to Remus. We talked a lot about the school subjects and about our parental home. He had a muggle-born mother and worried about her safety as Voldemort grew stronger and get more and more followers. I, on the other hand, dealt with it less because the contact with my parents was limited to the bare minimum.
Remus casually asked me in December if I would go to Professor Slughorn's Christmas party with him. Since I was invited anyway, I agreed to go with him as a companion, because we were good friends by now.
So, I stood with Lily in the shared bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror with satisfaction.
"And? Do you like Remus?" Lily asked me, her eyes sparkling.
"Yes, he's become a good friend." I answered shifty and putting my long hair back.
"I mean, do you find him attractive?" She rolled her eyes, laughing.
"Maybe. But he's not my type." I wasn´t liking the direction of this conversation.
"Why? He is tall, handsome, and very smart. He's funny and charming. I thought he might be a good match for you."
I considered her words for a moment. Yes, he was really good looking. I liked his sparkling gray eyes and his wise thoughts, But the thought of Remus Lupin stirred in me the same feeling of friendship that I felt for Lily herself.
"No, I don't feel it." Her bright green eyes widened and stared at me questioningly.
"What don't you feel?"
"Love." I answered simply. She looked at me confused.
"Could it be that your heart is already taken?" she asked curiously and inquiringly. She stopped brushing her red hair.
My heart immediately beat faster at the thought of him. But I couldn't reveal my feelings to her. She would never understand, and I would also jeopardize our friendship. How could I explain to her that my heart is bound to someone who calls us Mudblood, who is attracted to a dark force that will destroy us all? I swallowed my words.
"No. There's nobody." I answered in a strange voice. She smiled knowingly.
"You don't have to tell me." Suddenly she grinned widely. "Is it Sirius?"
I almost spat bile. "No, absolutely not. Sirius Black is the last thing I would think of." I answered truthfully. Lily giggled.
"Yeah, that would have shocked me too. But thank you for putting up with him for my sake."
"I would do almost anything for you." I answered her, laughing. "But no date with Black! You better take care of that for Mary!"
We both had to smirk as we walked down the stairs together.
"But honestly- are you still thinking about our Apparation teacher?" Lily asked with a mischievous grin. If I'm to be honest, I've thought about him a few times since the exam. He had occasionally spoken to me after class, but I was too shy for a lengthy conversation to develop.
I just shook my head, hoping Lily understood. Then we went together into the common room, where our escort was already waiting.
Remus greeted me with a smile.
"A nice robe!" I stated, grinning at him.
"Thank you. You look very good!" he replied, grabbing my arm. I looked at him confused. Lily gave me a wink as I passed. She was hanging on James' arm, looking overjoyed. Oh dear, what had she done there? Was she trying to bring us together?
"Remus, you know we're leaving as good friends?" I asked him quietly and in an uncertain voice, I didn't want to hurt him.
"Of course!" he replied, not seeming upset or disappointed, to my delight. "I don't want more either." He added with a grin. I nodded and let him lead me to the dungeon.
As we stepped over the threshold, a chill ran down my spine. He was there too, dressed in a black robe. Severus stood in a corner with Mulciber, Avery, and three Slytherin girls: Greengrass, Blishwick, and Bulstrode.
He turned as Lily walked past with James hand in hand beaming. His eyes narrowed, his skin turned white and my heart clenched. He loved her and she just broke his heart in front of me. I quickly turned away from this scene. I couldn't bear to see him like this. The pain inside him was certainly unbearable. There she was- at his greatest enemy's side.
"Shall I get us some mead?" Remus asked me softly. I nodded. So, he let go of my arm, although at that moment I wished he was still by my side. Remus looked at me as I continued to hold him and grinned slightly.
"Wait, you've got a little spot here." He gently wiped my cheek with his finger.
"Already done.", he said happily, walking towards the house-elf with the tray of mead.
I felt piercing eyes on my back, but as I turned around, I saw Severus turn away from me. I stared after him, his black hair disappeared in the darkness of his cloak. He spoke to Bulstode with her brown curly hair. She sneered and looked at me as Remus handed me mead.
"Thanks, Remus." I said with a dry mouth. I was visibly uncomfortable with the Slytherins' scrutiny but I tried not to let it show. Even though I suspected that I wasn't going to succeed very well. Besides- I was with Remus. He gave me some security back.
"Gladly." We clinked glasses.
"How is it for you to lose your best friend to my best friend?" He asked suddenly and grinned. This direct question almost made me choke on the mead, but I liked his direct way. He also had a certain talent for reading people. We looked at James and Lily who only had eyes for each other.
"Same as for you, I guess." I had to chuckle, too.
"May I ask you something?" I asked him and looked into his face.
"Sure." he answered casually and looked at the dungeon and the decorations around us which consisted of different coloured cloths adorning the dungeon. He was just raising the mug to his lips when I plucked up the courage.
"Where do you get those scratches and scars from? They're not healing properly, are they?" I pointed to a new cut on his cheek. Remus put down the mug and raised an eyebrow thoughtfully.
"It's a story I'll save for when we get to know each other better. Ok?" He investigated my face and tried to interpret my reaction. But I didn't mind being politely pointed out to certain limitations. That's what made a good friendship.
"Yes, I see. I feel like each of us has their own scars that they'd rather not talk about." I answered calmly.
Remus breathed loudly and still seemed surprised at my composure and my sentence. Our eyes swept from our ended conversation over the crowd. Sirius talked to Mary, her blue eyes beaming on him. She hung on every word, happy that he had finally invited her albeit with Lily's support. James and Lily danced close together. I was really glad about their happiness as a pair. But I knew that Severus would judge it very differently. Where was he? My eyes scanned the large room full of people. Many of Slughorn's guests were unknown to me and he introduced them to various students. I realized that he wasn't far from us - soon Remus and I would be his next victims.
"Do you like to dance, too?" Remus suddenly asked as if he had noticed that too.
"I'm not particularly...talented." I stated quietly and said sadly to the ground. Dancing was something I had never learned and hadn't missed until now.
"I don't mind. I'll guide you." He took the cup from my hand and placed it on an empty tray. He grabbed my hand and led me onto the dance floor where Lily and James were still dancing in love. Suddenly Remus spun me around, I had to laugh because we bumped into other dancing couples. It was a great distraction from my thoughts of Severus.
After a few pieces of music, however, we were completely out of breath and stood on the sidelines to talk again.
I saw Severus steer past us with a mead, his eyes full of disgust and anger. Suddenly he spilled half his cup over my dress robes. I stared at him in shock, but he looked behind him as if he would find whoever was responsible for the large stain on my robe there. But only the dancing couples whizzed past him. I gaped at his face and saw hate in his dark eyes. Our eyes met and I could hardly breathe.
Then, without a word, he stormed past me and Remus towards the exit.
Remus shook his head, eyebrows raised.
"Oddball! Wait, we'll have that in a minute." With a flick of his wand, my robes were like new again. But my legs were shaking, and I was spinning. I clutched his arm, panting. The hate in Severus´ eyes was just too much for me. Do I really deserve to be loathed by the man I love so much?
"Do you want me to take you upstairs?" Remus asked in a worried voice and an inquiring look.
I just nodded, and Remus leaned towards Gryffindor Tower. At the dorm, he slowly released me.
"Is everything okay again?" Remus gave me a sceptical look before he was taking my hand and giving it an encouraging squeeze.
"Yes, it was probably too much mead." I said, hoping he would swallow my excuse.
"That'll be it! Thank you for the lovely evening! Should we repeat - as good friends, of course." He winked at me charmingly.
"Yes, please!" I forced my mouth into a grin and went upstairs, where I threw myself on my pillows, crying. But soon I heard Mary and the other girls come into the dormitory. However, Lily's bed next to mine remained empty for several hours.
I woke up as Lily slipped quietly into bed.
"You are late. Was it nice?" I whisper to her.
"Yes, it was like a dream, Catherine. I'm so… in love." Her voice almost cracked with happiness.
"Did you-?" I asked softly.
"We snuck into the empty classroom on the first floor alone. You know, what's used as a closet. We kissed and touched the whole time. I know I really love him, Catherine. He asked me to marry him after Hogwarts."
"And?" I asked in a hoarse voice.
"Of course, I said yes." she said full of self-confidence.
I swallowed. I knew they were in love, but a wedding so soon? On the other hand, what did they have to lose? They'd known each other for many years now and I knew that Lily had been in love longer than she'd admit.
"I congratulate you, Lily. I am glad for you!" I stated and without hesitation, because I knew he would make her happy, bring her the stars from the sky.
"Thank you! I know you weren't a fan of his at first, but I hope-"
"He's fine, Lily! And if you really love him- and I know you do- there's nothing further to clarify." I said and that's exactly what I meant.
"Thanks! But what is about you? You and Remus left pretty quickly. Do you two have anything else planned?" she asked curiously and I had to grin, because she had probably actually tried to thread something between the two of us but I had to disappoint her.
"No, I wasn't feeling so well. Too much mead. And please don't read anything more into me and Remus. We are just friends." I explained, hoping that the last sentence didn't miss its meaning.
"Yeah, that's what Remus says too. But I think you guys are a really good match. James thinks so too." It sounded like it was the law for Lily and James to decide. I had to giggle softly.
"What is it?" Lily asked confused.
"Has it never occurred to you that love doesn't come about inevitably, even if you might be a good match?" There was a brief silence.
"A year ago, would you have thought that you would call a night at James Potter's side a dream?" I asked. She laughs softly, her laugh sounds really wonderful as always.
"No, you're right. I probably just want my best friend to find happiness too." I caught my breath. Would she really feel that way if she knew who would make me happy?
"It'll be eventually," I said, trying to relax my tone.
"Yes for sure. After all, you're smart, pretty and funny." she stated, which immediately made me frown.
"I think only you get my sense of humour." I replied, trying to remember who else was smiling at my remarks besides her.
"Oh nonsense, Severus always had to laugh at your comments too." She fell silent immediately. I cleared my throat.
"Yes, but there aren't many who share that sense." I said quickly to ease our situation. She hadn't even mentioned him since their fight in fifth year, as if they had never been close friends. And that's how I left it.
"I like your humour!" Lily said but her voice wasn't as carefree as before. Was she thinking about how he must have felt today as she floated past him on the dance floor with James?
"And that's all that matters, isn't it?" I asked softly and we were silent for a while before Lily broke the silence again.
"I'm glad you're still thawed."
"What do you mean?" I asked, pulling the covers up to my chin.
"You were always so distant in the first school years. Like you don't belong to Hogwarts. Your spirit was somehow but never here. And I was wondering what was behind it." she thought aloud.
"And what's behind it?" I asked uncertainly.
"A clever and friendly personality, which often leads to a lack of self-confidence." Her words shocked me. Was I really always so distant from the others? Couldn't I fit in? At the same time, I knew she was right. Haven't I always felt lonely behind the high walls of Hogwarts? Just as lonely as in the muggle world? A muggle-born witch- completely gone nowhere. Until the day Lily gave me her hand, I felt so foreign in this wizarding world. She was my light - just as it was for Severus back then.
"Yes, you may be right." I whispered.
"I usually are." she laughed, pulling the covers over her head. "And now I'm dreaming of James. He looked stunning today."
Already I heard a deep breathing from her. I thought about her words a little longer.
If I had more confidence, would it be different? If I was as confident as Lily, would he love me? Would I dare to tell him how I feel?
