The next chapter is here! I'm sorry that it took me so long to write it, but I've been on a holiday (to Paris!) and wanted to finish one of my other stories first. But now I'm back here! I hope you like this chapter, please let me know! Slowly, we're getting further away from the plot of the book.
The song to this chapter is 'Flag' by Sunrise Avenue. I've been searching for a song about heartbreak or love for nearly an hour now, so I decided that this one will rather get something motivating. And besides, this is one of my favourite songs of all time.
I don't own the characters or places!
Cordelia had debated with herself over and over again. She knew that her idea was foolish, but she couldn't just do nothing. It was driving her crazy. She wasn't able to fight. To really take part in something. She was useless.
They needed information about what Belial was planning. They wake. Words they'd heard both from Belial and Lilith. It had to mean something. All their research hadn't been successful yet, so maybe they'd just chosen the wrong sources. They didn't try to ask demons yet. But wouldn't Cordelia be able to question them, as a paladin of Lilith? After all, the demon at Chiswick House also wanted to tell her something, right before it was killed.
She'd decided to leave the house with the excuse that she needed to go to Curzon Street to fetch a dress for the Christmas party at the Institute the following day. It wasn't even a lie. She didn't have that many clothes at Cornwall Gardens and she was really in need of something decent to wear.
Before she left, she decided to visit Alastair, wanting to get news from Matthew. After all, he'd told her that he wanted to see how they were doing the night before. She found him in his bedroom, reading a book. Not an unusual sight when it came to him. "Oh no, please tell me you're not coming to demand I participate in some harebrained scheme your friends have come up with. Kachalam kardan." They drive me crazy. She knew that most of the annoyance in his words was probably fake.
"Not at all." She replied and thought that she could see a flicker of disappointment on her brother's face. "I just wanted to see you."
"You wanted to know how Matthew is." Alastair corrected her firmly. "All his friends stopped by his flat yesterday. In fact, they even spent the night."
Some of the tension Cordelia didn't even fully realise she'd felt until now vanished from her body. "Really? James, too? I'm so glad." She hadn't been sure if he would go to see his parabatai. Not with the way things were right now.
"Do you think Matthew will be angry at you for telling them?" Alastair raised his eyebrows.
"I don't know." She admitted hesitantly. "But I would do it again in a heartbeat. He needed them. He wasn't willing to let me help him, but I think with them, it's different." She desperately hoped that they could help Matthew. He had to get better again!
"I hope so." Alastair sighed deeply. "This disease he has… The one our father also had… It destroys you surely but slowly. It's not just addiction or need. It's also shame and that poisons you. It makes you unable to accept help, for you do not believe that you deserve it."
"I think that is true about many things." Cordelia replied softly. "Turning away love because one believes one does not deserve it, for instance."
Her brother grimaced. "This isn't about Thomas and me."
"But what if it is? I don't understand it, Alastair. No one who sees you together can miss how you're feeling. Why won't you let yourself be loved?"
"It's not that easy and you know it. Think of the scandal it would be. What it would do to our mother. Or you."
She looked at him sternly. "I want you to be happy. What other people say would not bother me, because their opinions don't matter. You should see it the same way. Think of Anna and Ariadne. For them, it also works."
"But we also know what Ariadne had to sacrifice for that freedom." Alastair ran a hand through his hair. "I told Thomas that I'll be going to Tehran with our mother and the baby soon." Suddenly, he looked incredibly tired. "He doesn't want me to go."
"We all don't want you to go." Cordelia reached out to take his hands. "You don't have to do this, Alastair."
"We can't just let her go alone. And your life is here, Layla."
"Yours too." She squeezed his hands and stood up. "Don't push Thomas away, Alastair. Despite everything you think, you're worth being loved. You should start accepting yourself."
"Thomas could have anyone" Alastair replied. "He could choose better than me."
"I'm not sure we choose who we love." Cordelia had to think of Matthew and James. "I rather think love is something like a book written just for us, a sort of holy text it is given to us to interpret." She paused in the doorway and looked back over her shoulder. "And you are refusing to read yours."
"Oh?" He asked. "What does yours say?" When she glared at him, he smiled apologetically. "Are you off somewhere, Layla?"
"Just to Curzon Street. Most of my clothes are still there and I need something to wear to the Christmas party tomorrow."
"I can't believe they're still holding that." Alastair reached for his book again. "Be back before full dark, all right?"
She nodded and left his room, making her way towards the stairs.
Cordelia had expected that being back at Curzon street would feel strange. Like going back to another life that had never truly been hers. But when she opened the front door, everything was like back when she'd left. The lights were on, surely Effie's doing, and everything was clean.
She didn't call out for anyone. Most probably, James wouldn't be there anyway. He was at the Institute with his family. So Cordelia hurried upstairs, wanting to fetch one or two dresses. After all, she needed to return with something, to make the story she'd told Alastair look convincing. But she wouldn't go home with the clothes right away. First, there was something else she needed to do.
But when she was already downstairs and opened the front door, wanting to slip out into the night unnoticed, someone was standing right in front of her. It was James.
For a moment, they both froze and stared at each other. Then James cleared his throat. "Cordelia, what a surprise to see you here."
She forced a smile on her lips and pointed at the dresses she'd luckily placed right next to the front door. "I came here to get a few clothes for the party tomorrow. I just wanted to head home again, I've promised Alastair to be back before dark."
She stepped back and James entered the house, closing the door behind him. Cordelia realised that for the first time in what seemed like forever, they were alone again. She didn't feel very comfortable with that thought.
"That's the best thing to do." James nodded. "I don't like the thought of you wandering outside all on your own." After all, you can't even draw a weapon. The words hang unspoken in the air between them.
"I'll be fine, it's not that far back to Cornwall Gardens." Inwardly, Cordelia sighed. There was no way that she could continue with her plan tonight. Not when James had already seen her. The risk that he'd follow her was too high. She forced back her frustration.
"You sent us all a message last night. Because of Matthew." James said suddenly, only being interrupted when Effie appeared from the kitchen.
"Oh, hello!" She already opened her mouth to say more, probably ask a question, but James was faster.
"We'll be in the study, Effie. Some tea would be great." Without waiting for a reply, he grabbed Cordelia's hand and pulled her towards the other room. As soon as the door was closed behind them, he let go of her again quickly.
"I hoped that Matthew would let you help him." Cordelia explained. "He refused to let me do anything for him."
"We're doing our best for him." James looked uncomfortable talking about Matthew and Cordelia knew why. The events in Paris were still standing between all of them. If he also wondered how she knew about Matthew's condition and where she'd seen him the previous night, he didn't let it show.
"Will he get better?" When he noticed how hopeful her voice sounded, James' eyes narrowed, but he nodded.
"Christopher thinks he knows how to help him get over with the addiction."
"Then let's hope his plan works."
When James only nodded, Cordelia's heart sank. She didn't expect him to be that angry at his parabatai.
"I think it's good that we met here, Daisy." James said "I needed to talk to you. There's something I need to show you."
"Show me? But what?" She frowned at him, not sure where this conversation was going. All she knew was that it was confusing to be this close to James again - and that she felt guilty, Matthew's face appearing in her thoughts.
Before James could explain anything, the door to the study flew open and Effie entered the room with a tray and two cups of tea. "There's someone at the front door." Her expression looked grim, like a visitor at this time of day was something horrible.
"Maybe we should talk later." Cordelia said, using this as an opportunity to get away from the situation. She couldn't talk to James right now. Her feelings were still too confusing. "Tomorrow. At the party, we'll talk then."
She thought she could see disappointment on James' face, but he only nodded, following her more slowly when she hurried to the front door. She grabbed her dresses, nodded at a surprised-looking Jesse Blackthorn and left the house, wanting to get back to Cornwall Gardens as fast as possible.
The morning of the Christmas party, Cordelia was at the Institute, making last preparations together with Lucie. Actually, she'd planned to stay with her mother and Alastair at Cornwall Gardens, but Sona had insisted that she should go out for some time. After all, she would be back after midday to get changed and it would be good for her to be out of the house. Secretly, Cordelia suspected that her mother wanted her to spend more time with James, considering that she'd seen him so rarely those past days.
What she didn't know, though, was that James wasn't at the Institute, just like Jesse. Apparently, there was a meeting of the Merry Thieves at the Devil Tavern. Lucie informed Cordelia about it as soon as she'd arrived at the Institute. Jesse had found some interesting news in Tatiana's papers and they wanted to try something. It was obvious that Lucie was disappointed because she couldn't join them. Cordelia couldn't blame her since she felt the same. But James and Jesse had insisted that at least someone had to help at the Institute, so that their absence wouldn't be that obvious. In the end, Lucie had agreed reluctantly and asked for Cordelia's company so she wouldn't be alone.
"How is Matthew?" Cordelia asked when they began to look for what Lucie would wear in the evening. They both thought that the lavender silk dress would be the best choice, but of course Lucie had to go through all her other possibilities as well. "I've heard that you, Anna and Ari took turns with the others to watch over him." She hoped that Lucie wouldn't notice how hard it was for her that Matthew refused her presence.
"He's getting better, at least that's what Christopher says." Lucie explained, turning away from her wardrobe and looking at Cordelia. "And he's not been so pale anymore when I saw him yesterday."
"That's good to hear." Cordelia muttered with a smile she forced to her lips.
"You know that it's not meant against you that he doesn't want to have you with him right now, Daisy." Of course Lucie could read her like an open book. "He's ashamed of his condition and he doesn't want you to see him suffering. Because he…" Lucie hesitated only for a moment. "He loves you."
"I know." This time, Cordelia could smile honestly. "That's what got us in this mess in the first place. I just wish he'd understand that he doesn't have to hide how bad he's feeling from me. I understand what he's going through."
"You have feelings for him." Her best friend deduced. "But also for James."
"You're not angry at me? For all this?" She couldn't help asking, considering that James was Lucie's brother and they had a very close relationship. The thought that Lucie might reject Cordelia for a decision she made about James was unbearable.
Lucie shook her head. "From what you told me last time, it's mostly James' fault anyway. And Grace's. We can't help whom we love." She touched her necklace thoughtfully. "I don't blame you, Daisy."
"I don't even know how I feel." Cordelia admitted with a sigh. "It's all so messed up. I'm married to James, but he doesn't love me. He's been my first big, real love. But then there's Matthew. Brilliant, wonderful Matthew, who even went to Paris to make me forget all my worries for a while."
"The way you say it, it hardly seems to be a choice." Lucie muttered and shook her head. "I was so excited when you became my sister in law. Now, on the other hand, I wish that you could have had more time before you married James."
"This marriage isn't real." Cordelia reminded her, saying the words they'd repeated countless times in the past weeks. "Things can still change."
"I really thought James loved you. He was so desperate when you were gone…" Lucie shook her head. "You should talk to him about everything. Also about Grace."
"He tried that, last night when we briefly met at Curzon Street. But then Jesse came over and we didn't get a chance. I told him we'd talk today." She still wasn't sure if things would change after a conversation with James. What was so important that he'd wanted to speak to her last evening?
"Matthew will also be here." Lucie's voice was soft when she said it.
"I know. I hope he'll be all right." After all, there would be lots of alcohol at the Christmas party.
Lucie seemed to be optimistic about that. "He's strong. He'll be all right. And if something happens, we're all there to help."
"So how are things between you and Jesse?" Cordelia asked when they'd decided that Lucie should indeed wear the lavender dress.
"Wonderful." Lucie beamed at her. "He's amazing, Daisy! We really need to spend more time together so you get to know him. Because we're all going to be so close once we're parabatai." She kept telling Cordelia a few stories about Jesse, but she only listened with one ear. Parabatai. They could only perform the ceremony if her bond with Lilith was broken soon. One more thing to worry about.
"There's only one thing I wanted to tell you." They'd been on their way to the ballroom, but now Lucie pulled her aside into one of the guest bedrooms. In short words, she summarised how every time she got closer to Jesse, it felt like she was being pulled into darkness. Into the land of the dead. "We've already asked Malcolm and he's looking for a solution." Lucie explained quietly. "Maybe it's because I called Jesse back from the dead. We're not so sure."
"But if you're just close to each other, nothing happens?" She hated the thought of Lucie having to suffer. Especially because of someone she loved.
Her best friend nodded. "It's only when we're… kissing." A faint blush appeared on her cheeks. "Normal contact like holding hands is fine. But Cordelia, you shouldn't feel obliged to find a solution to this. You already have enough problems."
"It seems like you do, too. And yet you help me to find a way to break the bond to Lilith." Cordelia noted. "You're not alone in this, Lucie." She hugged her tightly.
"Thank you, Daisy. But please don't tell anyone. Next to Malcolm, no one knows."
"I promise." Cordelia vowed with a smile. Somewhere in the hallway, they could hear Tessa calling their names. "I think we should go and help now, otherwise your mother will come looking for us."
Lucie nodded quickly. "Let's go." Together, they sneaked out of the room and hurried to the ballroom.
