Nights where I've been out of my mind
But you stayed around, you stayed around
You had your chance to change your mind
But I'll wear you down, I'll wear you down
Listen to me, I don't deserve you
- Hurt You by Ary

I learned a lot during the Christmas holidays because the others were all with their families. I was so tired from the long hours in front of the books that I fell asleep in an armchair over a History of Magic essay and still asked me what made me choose this subject as N.E.W.T. when the teacher was so bad.
I dreamed of a cool hand gently brushing my hair away from my face, a pleasant familiar scent emanating from this person. It let me sink deeper into a fog of leaden well-being. Suddenly a ringing in my ear, like it was urging me to wake up, away from this wonderful feeling that had enveloped me. But I couldn't resist and opened my eyes slightly, blinking and I saw a large black cloaked figure backing away.
"Severus?" I asked dreamily and rubbed my eyes to see if I was still dreaming. But I was awake and he was standing right in front of me, a strange expression on his pale face.
Suddenly I became aware of the situation. I had been snoring in a chair in the middle of the library and Severus had seen me in this awkward position.
"I didn't mean to wake you up, but I assume you still want to finish your essay about the Founding of St Mungo's Hospital?" he said quietly. His eyes were now fixed on my History of Magic essay. I wondered how he could grasp the content so quickly when he hadn't actually chosen that subject, instead taking Arithmancy and Ancient Runes.
"Oh, thank you. I... was probably just too tired. Or the thought of Professor Binns put me to sleep." I replied, still a bit confused. A thin smile crossed his face.
"That wouldn't be surprising."He said and I eyed him and felt my heart beating faster and harder against my chest again. We hadn't been that close for a very long time and yet my heart recognized him immediately. My gaze wandered from his face to his slim frame. And then I saw a book in his right hand. It was wrapped in black leather, when I tried to decipher the title, he let it disappear behind his back. It had to be from the restricted section, I thought, certainly a topic he didn't want to reveal to me. I closed my eyes briefly and sighed softly. Everything was still the same.

"How... how are you?" Severus asked me, his black hair fell across his face as he kept his eyes on the floor, as he often did.
"Why do you want to know, Severus?" I asked suspiciously and raised my eyebrows skeptically. He had never wanted to know that from me, otherwise it only asked for Lily when it came to the point. We've hardly had any contact at all since the big fight in the fifth grade. But I immediately regretted this question because I realized how I had hurt him. He clenched his free hand into a fist and his features hardened when he clenched his jaw.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to..." I said quickly. I sighed briefly. Our situation made me so sad.
Severus locked at me, seemingly careful not to show any emotion on his face. However, confusion, disbelief, and many other emotions played out behind his dark eyes even when his face was stoic. Yes, this was the Severus I knew could explode at any second and I wanted to defuse it.
"I'm often fine and often not, Severus." I answered truthfully. Severus looked at me curiously and I took all the courage I could muster. I pushed a chair towards him. It was time to talk. His hand gripped the armrest, but he hesitated briefly. He looked around the empty library before slowly taking a seat across from me.
"Your argument with Lily. Our dispute. It hurts me, Severus, and I miss our friendship." I blurted out like it was exactly what I'd wanted to say for these many months.
"Friendship? Were we ever friends?" he asked in a hissing voice. Why was he so hostile again? When I would like to extend my hand to him in reconciliation.
"Yes. And that's why I'm so hurt." I replied in a low voice. I hung my head and my long hair fell over my essay.
"You are hurt? How am I supposed to feel? You don't talk to me, ignore me, and instead hang out with those idiots who bully others just for fun? And you want to be my friend? I can live without this so-called friendship!" he said angrily and stood up abruptly. The chair fell backwards with a loud noise. It hit me like a slap, even though I knew he was suffering.
"Severus, you called us a mudblood. You despise everything we are." I said in shock.
"Yes, you're right. But your reaction shows that you aren't worth bothering with." He said bitterly and turned away. Did he mean that I had withdrawn from him the whole time? Or that I felt hurt? I bit my lower lip painfully.

"Excuse me, Severus! We can talk about it. I can tell you that's wrong-"I began, but he snapped.
"Save your words! They don't mean anything either."
Everything inside me screamed: but I love you, you idiot! Why couldn't he see that?
Why was he so blinded and full of hate? I knew he hadn't good experiences with people - be they muggles or wizards and witches. Did I lean on him the same way his parents did? Had I sought a reason for my rejection and found it in his black magic tendencies and his evil friends? Had I put my friendship with Lily above my friendship with him? I was ashamed that I became a part of those who let him down.
"Severus, I'm still your friend! I'm here for you if you need me. Always." I said and I meant it. He meant so much more to me than I wanted to admit to myself. For the last two years I'd been trying to fight it, to change it, but I'd failed miserably. Tears ran slowly down my cheeks.

Severus looked at me, his lips twisted into an ugly grimace.
"YOU? You dumped me just like the other supposedly good people. Mulciber and Avery, who you despise - they were with me and caught me. Do you understand?" His voice was louder than I knew him to be and it shook my heart completely. His eyes stayed on me, there was anger in his eyes but also what appeared to be disappointment.

"And I don't need you. Not anymore." he added quietly, pressing his lips together tightly after closing his mouth. His face was more pale than I would have thought possible, making it look like a chalky wall.

And my questions seemed answered. I failed him as he failed me, it made me angry with myself. Hadn't I seen him suffer? I had felt his gaze but every time I met him, he only asked about Lily. Like I don't matter. I've taken my hurt pride more seriously than a friend's need. I was ashamed of my decision to avoid him at that moment, but my heart was so wounded. Could my heart have endured his closeness knowing that I would never be like Lily Evans for him? Lily with her character, charm, wit, beauty and sophistication? I felt that I had just given myself an answer. My well-being was more important to me than his friendship - he could never give more than this to me. But shouldn't it have been valuable enough for me?
"I'm sorry, Severus, really." I said simply, tears still streaming down my cheeks. I reached for the cotton handkerchief in my robe. His eyes narrowed as he watched me bring it to my tears to dry them.

"You… You still have it?" he asked with his mouth open in horror, looking at his mother's handkerchief. I nodded uneasily. And his eyes travelled back to my face, his face going blank as he closed his mouth again and composed himself. I felt like he was exploring my thoughts and sensed my regret.
"It's too late now," he said in a low voice after a few moments of silence.
"Do you want your handkerchief back?" I asked sadly and held it out to him with trembling hands. I had no right to keep it after disappointing him so much. He stared at it briefly without taking it before shaking his head.

"No. It's yours. Maybe you think back to what friendship really means." He studied my face again, as I began to tremble inwardly at his words, all colour drained from my face. His eyes roving down my tousled hair before continuing in a hoarse voice.

"Damned. Your friendship really meant so much to me in those days, Catherine."
I couldn't say more, my whole throat was closed and Severus left me trembling in the empty library.
He was right. I had a choice then- between being friends with Lily and being friends with him. And I chose Lily. I realized that I should have tried to stand up for both, I could have mediated but I didn't have the strength then. My unrequited love for him stood in the way of our friendship.
And what was worse: we were now on completely different sides of magic. It really was too late- just like he said.

At the end of our last year, Remus finally let me in his secret. We sat together by the Black Lake and quizzed each other about our final Herbology exam.
"You're really, really good. You know everything!" Lupin stated appreciatively.
"Thanks. Somehow, I've always liked this subject. I guess I'm good with plants.", I answered satisfied.
"Your help with my studies will definitely get me top marks in Herbology." he said, grinning.
"I hope so. Do you already know what you want to do after Hogwarts?"
"Honestly not, no." His smile faded from his lips. Suddenly he looked much older than he was.
"Why not? You're one of the best of the year. You have so many options open to you."
"Well, not really." He lowered his eyes in concern.
"What do you mean?" I asked in surprise.
His gaze wandered inquiringly over my face. His gray eyes looked fearfully into mine.
"What's the matter, Remus? You can tell me everything."
"Yes, I hope so. I just don't know… well, how."
I swallowed because I fear something specific. Could it be that he fell in love with me? I hoped not because he was just a good friend to me. But I don't want to lose him.
"Just throw it out there, Remus!" I spoke. Let's get it over with.
"You may have noticed that I'm often absent and ill on the full moon?" The scales fell suddenly from my eyes.
"Of course. You are really … a werewolf!" I whispered, my hand moving to my mouth in dismay.
"Yes," he replied, looking at me intently. I exhaled loudly. So that's it. Remus stared at me in surprise, noticing my relief.
"I thought you wanted to tell me something worse."
"Anything worse than that?" His eyebrows raised alarmingly.
"Well, we've been fine with that so far, or is something changing now?"
"No, not if you don't want to."
"Why should I? I like you just the way you are!" I said lightheartedly and I knew I meant what I said. We were friends after all, and that fact never affected us. I also lacked the prejudices that children from wizarding families often grew up with.
He swallowed and fell into my arms. We hugged amicably and grinned at each other. I felt a stone fall from his heart.
It must have been difficult for him to live like this. I asked him his story. I readily learned of his bite from Fenrir Greyback as a child, his loneliness up until the day he met James, Sirius and Peter and that they became Animagi for him.
And I began to understand. I understood why they were so allied and had to exclude everyone around. But I showed no sympathy for their misdeeds in hurting people like me and Severus, sensitive and insecure. Remus also understood my feelings and regretted not acting when James and Sirius frequently crossed the line. But he was so happy to finally be part of such an alliance that he lacked the courage.
As we walked close together and laughing towards the castle, I saw a tall dark figure retreat into the bushes. Remus followed my gaze as well.
"Do you think the person overheard us?" I asked anxiously.
"No, it was too far away for that. Still weird that someone was watching us, isn't it? Maybe a jealous lover of yours?"
"Certainly, Remus. Since I'm so popular. ", I stated sourly. Remus looked at me with raised eyebrows.
"You do know that next to Lily Evans you are the prettiest girl at Hogwarts, right?"
I looked at him in horror.
"That's nice of you, Remus! But who told you that nonsense?" Remus had to grin.
"You're really a bit too humble, aren't you? But I appreciate that about you." I blushed. He gave me a sideways grin and continued:
"The guys made a list a year or two ago and you were very high on the list."
"Pretty rude to judge a girl by her looks, isn't it?" I asked, seemingly bitterly, suppressing a grin.
"No, no, there were different categories like looks, charm, knowledge, humour and character." Remus explained apologetically.
"Great. You guys have a waffle sometimes, don't you? How would you find such a list about you?"
"Depends on how we get on with it, I suppose," he said with a grin, adding, looking at my raised eyebrows, "We probably wouldn't be too thrilled either."
I burst out laughing, which Remus had to join in.
We were silent for a while, and he gave me a sidelong look. I thought about it. I- next to Lily Evans the prettiest girl at Hogwarts? A strange thought. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't deny that I was pretty. But I was never aware that the majority of male students saw me that way. Maybe because the one student I kept thinking about never looked at me the way he looked at Lily.
We walked in silence to the Great Hall for dinner.
In the dormitory, I thought about Remus' situation for a while. I knew half-breeds had little recognition in the magical world. What should his future life as a werewolf be like without the protection of Hogwarts? I felt a great deal of pity for him, but I knew I couldn't show it to him. That's not why he tells me the truth. He was too proud for pity. And his friends accompanied him as animagi to make it more bearable. That suddenly made me like James, Sirius and Peter more. And I tried to make peace with my memories.

At the End-of-Term Feast we all sat next to each other. We knew that we would be seeing each other again soon, because half of our senior year was a member in Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore used to visit us at the Dueling Club every four weeks. He was giving us more tips that went beyond fighting not to gnaw in the face of the enemy. It would only paralyze us and weaken us in battle. But it all sounded so easy in theory. How it will play out in reality we should learn all too soon. But for this evening we were all still quite inexperienced.
The Great Hall was decorated in red and gold because Gryffindor had won the house cup. A large banner with the lion adorns the wall behind the high table. With the help of Mary and James, Gryffindor also won the Quidditch Cup, to everyone's delight. It was a successful farewell for our group.
When Dumbledore raised his voice, the students felt silent.
"Another year has passed. We will see most of you again next school year. For all of you who go into a world that lurks in full danger for some, we'd like to raise our glasses one last time. I hope you make your decisions with full conviction, using your intelligence and love to the fullest. Wisdom and courage should accompany you on your own way.
And now let's celebrate while we all still can!"
Everyone was silent because of these meaningful words and triggered with the surrounding friends.
I looked at my friends faces. They didn't laugh even though all the N.E.W.T exams were now behind us. We would get the results in a few weeks. Each of us had plans outside the Order. But were we able to carry them out during the war? James and Sirius put off their plans to become an Auror anyway, because they wanted to put her energy into fighting Voldemort together with Lily. Remus still avoided the subject. Mary wanted to focus on Arithmancy.
Lily suddenly snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Why are you looking so sad? Are you worried about the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam? I told you wagging a leg won't cost you any points."
"No, it's not that. I'm just wondering when we'll all get together the next time."
"Things will change." Remus stated. His grey eyes met mine and I knew he was thinking the same thing as me.
"Oh, you two shouldn't be miserable today, just celebrate! We'll stay together. We're friends, Moony." said Sirius.
"I didn't mean that, Sirius. And I don't think Catherine either." Remus stated sadly. I nodded.
"No. I wonder what will become of all of us." I affirmed quietly.
"How do you mean that? We choose the jobs we want. Grades are not a problem for us. We were all fantastic." Sirius stated confidently and firmly. A sublime look from above that he still hadn't broken the habit of. A remnant of his life as a member of the Black family. Even though he tried to distance himself from them, with James helping him as best he could, it still stuck with him.
"What if we face friends in battle? People controlled by the Imperius Curse? Or former classmates who are Voldemort followers by choice?" Remus asked, looking across at all the tables. Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Slytherins.
"Like Mulciber, Avery, and Snape?" James interjected. Remus and I nodded uneasily. We all looked at the Slytherin table now. They seemed to be discussing a serious subject. Severus, Avery, Mulciber, Greengrass, Carrow, Goyle and Crabbe had their heads together. I wondered if they were talking about their own future as Death Eaters.
"People will die. We'll know some of them." James stated dryly.
"And some of them will be ourselves, right?" I asked. Lily looked at me with an odd expression and blanched.
"As long as we stay together, no Death Eater will get to us." Sirius said confidently. He leaned back and ran his fingers through his hair. Mary's eyes lit up at him, but he didn't notice.
"You know they were some of the bests at the Dueling Club. Snape is-" Remus began again.
"Yes, Snape was quite good." Sirius stated bitterly.
"He was the best of us all." I stated appreciatively.
"Please, don't remind me! I want to forget that as soon as possible." James moaned and buried his face in his hands. I couldn't help a sneer, knowing that James had only defeated him alongside Sirius so far.
"But he's alone. A loser. We are together. I'll say it again: together, no Death Eater will be able to harm us. And we could teach Snape one more lesson before we leave Hogwarts tomorrow." Sirius said. He looked at James. And just before I could say anything to defend Severus, Lily stepped in.
"Stop! I want to stop talking about this now. It's our last evening. We should really enjoy it." Lily said, grabbing James' hand. A smile crossed his lips. However, I saw James return a brief look to Sirius. There was a twinkle in their eyes.
In any case, the next morning, they didn't look any different than usual. After we said goodbye to all the professors, I peered over at Severus. He looked emotionless and stared at his suitcase. I didn't see any injuries on him either. On the other hand, he was certainly familiar enough with healing spells by now to take care of himself. Suddenly he looked up and our eyes met. I winced noticeably.
"Are you alright, Catherine?" Remus asked, running a hand gently down my back while following my gaze to Severus.
"Yes. It's hard for me to say goodbye." I smiled into his face. His eyes looked sadly in mine.
"Sometimes saying goodbye is also a new beginning. A lot of things change with a little distance.", he stated quietly. I gave him a slight nod. Damn, he was really good.
"Come on, I'll help you with your suitcase!", he suggested encouragingly.
"You don't have to." My levitation charm just let my suitcase slide next to me as we boarded the carriages that took us to Hogsmeade train station.