The next chapter! I hope you like it, please let me know! I've copied a some of the dialogue between Cordelia and James from the book, but it was essential to the plot. As always, also a big thanks to everyone who read the story so far and left kudos and/or a comment!
The song to this chapter is "I Will Be" by Avril Lavigne.
I don't own the characters or places!
In the evening, Cordelia went to the Christmas party together with Anna and Ari. Alastair had insisted that he didn't want to go and in the end, she'd given up trying to convince him. Apparently, he believed that going to the party wouldn't be of any use if he was going to leave with their mother soon anyway. Cordelia had only sighed in frustration, but she knew that it was impossible to force her brother to do anything. If he'd made up his mind, wanting to stay at home, nothing could change that.
On their way to the Institute, Anna and Ariadne told her more about the times they'd visited Matthew. "With the drink Christopher mixes for him, he'll get better slowly." Anna explained. "It will be a long process and he'll be in much pain, but I'm convinced that it works."
"He looked incredibly pale the last time we were there." Ari frowned in concern. "But he'll be fine." The last words were added hastily after Anna had glared at her.
"We have noticed that you didn't spend much time in James' company those past days." Anna said suddenly, changing the subject. Her blue eyes focused on Cordelia. "It is about Matthew, isn't it?"
Cordelia looked at both of them in silence for a few moments. In the end, she sighed. "Could we please not discuss this?"
"You can't run away forever, dear." Anna said, placing a hand on her arm. "Someday, you must make a decision."
"If that decision hasn't been made yet." Ari added, a thoughtful expression on her face. Sometimes, Cordelia was surprised by how attentive she was.
"No matter how this ends, someone will get hurt." Cordelia muttered. It was the last thing she wanted.
"It's not your fault. We can't help whom we fall in love with." While she said it, Anna's eyes flickered to Ariadne.
"Everyone keeps saying that." She closed her eyes. "I never wanted to stand between James and Matthew. They're parabatai. It shouldn't be like this."
"Parabatai also fight." Anna's voice was soft. "They'll come back to their senses and then, it will be as if nothing happened at all."
Cordelia wasn't so sure about that, but she kept quiet. When they noticed that she wouldn't break her silence, Ari smiled. "Did I already mention that you look stunning in that dress?"
When they entered the ballroom, Cordelia's eyes began to search for their friends in the crowd. She was aware of Anna and Ariadne talking to Tessa and Will next to her, but she didn't really listen to the conversation. They were just exchanging pleasantries anyway.
For a brief moment, her eyes fell on Matthew, dancing with Eugenia. It was hard not to notice him. However, it attracted her attention that Eugenia looked at someone else and when she followed her gaze, she saw James. When his eyes found her, Cordelia raised her hand, gesturing for him to join her. After all, they were still husband and wife. They couldn't just not talk to each other.
When James joined them, Will turned to his son. "James, I'm glad you've turned up. I require your help." Cordelia noticed that there was a gleam in Will's eyes.
"Really?" James looked around. "Everything seems to be going well."
"Will!" Tessa scolded her husband. "You haven't even let him greet Cordelia!"
"Well, they can both help." Will announced. "The silver trumpet, James, the one that was given to your mother by the Helsinki Institute? The one we always use as a centerpiece at Christmas? It's gone missing." James exchanged a confused look with Tessa at those words. It was obvious that they both didn't know what he was talking about. "I'm quite sure it was left in the drawing room. Can you and Cordelia fetch it for me?"
Somehow, Cordelia suspected that there wasn't a silver trumpet, but she smiled at Will anyway. She'd promised to talk to James at the party and maybe this was their best chance. They could also get over with it now. "Of course we can."
Before anyone could reply, she already made her way to the drawing room, followed by James. Once they were inside, he closed the doors behind them.
"There is no silver trumpet, is there?" She asked when she faced James. As usual, she was hit by his beauty. With the golden eyes, pale skin and dark hair. Today, however, it didn't make her heart race. It was strange, looking at him without that effect. It had always been this way.
"You know my family well." James said, smiling slightly.
Cordelia wiped away a strand of her hair which had found its way in her face. She noticed that James' fingers twitched, but most probably, he was just nervous. "It is sweet that your father wants us to be alone together." She said. "But it is also true that we ought to talk. At the house, you said you had something to show me."
He did. Hidden in the necklace he'd given her for their two weeks anniversary was a note. A note James had written, back when he'd been in love with Grace. It was a line of a poem they both knew well. Until this very moment, Cordelia didn't even know that the necklace could be opened. Honestly, she wasn't even sure why she still wore it. Maybe because to keep up the act as James' wife. Or because she didn't own any other jewelry. She only knew that now, in the moment he showed her the note, a wave of unease washed over her, nearly making her take a step away from him. It took all her strength to remain standing so close to James.
"It means I would rather have a home with you than all the world." James explained with shining eyes. "If you cannot believe me now, believe the James who gave you that necklace, long before you left for Paris. My God, what other reason could I have for placing those verses there, save that I loved you, but was too much of a coward to say it?"
She felt like her brain didn't understand his words. Was he really convinced he'd loved her all along? "So you loved me and you loved Grace at the same time. That is what you are telling me?"
"No, I never loved Grace. Never." There was so much passion in his voice, so much honesty. Cordelia couldn't help it. She took a step back, making James' expression change. He visibly paled and there was hurt in his eyes.
"I understand." She muttered, even if everything he'd said to her didn't make sense at all. He didn't love her. He loved Grace. And even if he loved her now…
She could never love him back. Not the way she did before all this happened. A face appeared in her mind. It wasn't James.
"If you excuse me, James. There is something I must do." Without waiting for a reply, she left the room, feeling James' eyes on her the entire time.
She was already searching for Matthew when her eyes fell on someone else she didn't expect to be at the party at all. "Alastair, what are you doing here?" Cordelia asked when she stopped next to him and Thomas. They stood close to each other, but still left a distance between their arms. To her surprise, Alastair looked completely relaxed - and he was even smiling.
"Thomas convinced me to come when he came to our house to deliver a basket of fruit for our mother." Her brother tried to let it sound bored, but she knew him well enough to see through the act.
"It was my parents' idea, actually." Thomas threw in, blushing slightly. "They didn't want your mother to feel forgotten."
"That is very sweet, I bet she was grateful for it." Cordelia said with a smile. "I'm surprised that you succeeded in making Alastair come here." She glanced at her brother. "I wasn't so successful." Before any of them could answer, Cordelia finally spotted Matthew in the crowd, still dancing with Eugenia. With his blond hair and his clothes a mix of violet, green, gold and silver, it was hard not to notice him. "Excuse me, I need to go."
She headed towards him with determination, her heart beating furiously in her chest. She felt excited and afraid at the same time when she approached him now. Eugenia spotted her first and for half a second, a frown passed her features. Apparently, she'd searched for something on Cordelia's face and had seen something else, which she didn't expect. Did she think I came to tell him it will never work?, Cordelia wondered. But then the song ended and Eugenia directed Matthew's gaze to her, making a brilliant smile appear on his lips. She forgot about Eugenia in an instant.
"Are you rescuing me from Eugenia?" Matthew asked once he was standing in front of her. She noticed that he was thinner than usual, his skin pale. Something that was emphasized even more by his clothes. "She's a good girl, but she does toss one around like a rag doll. I swear I saw through the wards of London to a new and terrible world."
Cordelia smiled back at him. "Can we talk? Perhaps in the games room?"
His eyes lit up with something she thought was hope. "Of course."
Once they were in the games room, Cordelia turned to him. It felt odd, after talking to James in the drawing room not so long ago. However, she hoped that this conversation would go better.
"Thank you for sending the Thieves to look after me the other night." Matthew said. "It was a true act of kindness. And I am getting better, Daisy. Christopher has a plan to get me better, a bit less to drink every day, and soon enough he says my body will no longer depend on the alcohol. I will be able to stop."
She felt an honest smile appear on her lips. "I couldn't let you suffer all on your own, Matthew. I contacted the others as soon as you left. Since you wouldn't let me help, I hoped that you would let them do it. And it's good to hear that you're getting better." She hesitated. "You look tired, though."
He was still smiling when he nodded, even if it really looked a little tired now. He'd dropped the mask he wore around everyone else. "It's the withdrawal. I also get headaches at times, but they should fade one day." She'd hoped that he would finally admit his problem to himself. Now that it was really happening, Cordelia felt the sudden urge to wrap her arms around him and hug him tightly.
"I hope so. I hate seeing you like this."
Suddenly, his expression turned weary. "It will be a long way. One I can't go alone. The drinking is one part. The longing…" She could see concern on his face. He was afraid of not being able to do it.
"You won't be alone." Acting on impulse only, she reached out and grabbed his hands. For a few moments, he froze, but then he turned his hands in hers so they could entwine their fingers. "You have the Merry Thieves. All our other friends. Your family. And you have me." The last words were barely a whisper.
He looked up from their hands so his eyes met hers. "Cordelia, what are you saying?"
"I always thought I loved James." She began and when he wanted to pull back his hands, she tightened her grip on them. "Hear me out, please. I loved him since I was fourteen years old. When I came here to London, it was so easy to imagine how it would be like to be with him. To really be with him, not just think about him all the time. Then I discovered that he was with Grace and it felt like my heart was torn from my chest. You know we married just to save my reputation because I lied for him. One year, that's what we agreed on. But I thought, who knows, maybe things can change in a year? It was the thought of a naive little girl, one who believed in miracles. But for some time, I really thought that things could change. Until Grace showed up that night." She smiled slightly. "You know what happened afterwards. We ran away and for the first time in a long time, I stopped thinking about James."
"He broke your heart, Daisy. It's only natural to feel this way." He whispered.
"It wasn't just that. Even before Paris, I began to feel ridiculously happy when you were around. Remember the first time we really talked?"
His expression darkened. "James left you alone on the dance floor because Grace showed up. I could still hit him for acting like this towards you."
"It's in the past. And there was something good about it, too. I got to know you. I wasn't surprised at all by how protective of him you were, considering you're parabatai. It was also obvious you didn't like Grace."
"Can you blame me?" His lips twitched. "Where are you going with all this?"
"I think I realized before we went to Paris that I feel more about you than just friendship." She looked at him thoughtfully. "I just didn't understand it at the time. I thought it was sympathy because of what you told me. Or fascination because you're such a brilliant person. Or gratefulness because you always stood by my side. In Paris, however, things changed. If James wouldn't have interrupted us… I don't think I could have stopped."
"Me neither." He was still whispering. "Daisy…"
"Tonight, James told me that he never loved Grace. That he's always been in love with me. Do you want to know what I felt?"
He closed his eyes then, pressing his lips together. He was trying to hide some kind of reaction from her. She waited until he looked at her again, his green eyes hard. He's braced himself to get his heart broken, she realized. "Tell me."
"Nothing at all." She admitted. "Only regret and guilt. No happiness, nothing." He stared at her then, his mouth open. "My heart has always been racing when I was with James. It was a normal reaction, one I didn't question. But now, it's not like that anymore. Not with him, at least."
"You…?"
"The realization that I'm not in love with James anymore came to me suddenly, when he showed me that he'd hidden a message for me in here." She touched her necklace with one hand and then, after a short moment of hesitation, took it off. Matthew inhaled sharply at this, but Cordelia only smiled at him.
"You always wore it. Even in Paris."
"Because I was not able to let him go." She replied simply. "Now I am."
"Cordelia…"
"I love you, Matthew. All of you." As soon as she finished speaking, his lips were on hers. It was a gentle kiss, still filled with insecurity and disbelief. Maybe also the knowledge that they were in the Institute with only one door separating them from all the other party guests. It would be quite a scandal if they were caught, especially considering that Cordelia was still married to James. Cordelia kissed him back anyway, trying to ease all his insecurities and showing him how much he meant to her.
"I love you too." Matthew whispered when they parted, his green eyes shining. "I have loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you, back at that party when you were wearing that horrible pastel coloured dress. It didn't suit you at all." She laughed at this and only stopped when Matthew touched her sleeve, running his fingers over the black material lightly. "I remember this dress. You worried it was so plain that it wouldn't suit you, but it does. With your hair, you look like a dark flame, edged in fire."
"You talked me into it." Cordelia said, remembering the shop in Paris. The streets they'd walked together. "And I'm glad you did. You have Anna's skill, you see the beauty in potential."
"You are beautiful, Cordelia." Matthew said seriously. Suddenly, he reached out and took a strand of hair which had found its way into her face between his fingers. He carefully placed it behind her ear. Then he kissed her again, just a featherlight touch of their lips this time.
"So are you. You might not believe it, but you look like a prince from some fairy tale." It made him chuckle and the sound of it made her shiver. This time, she gave in to her impulse to pull him closer and wrap her arms around him.
"This won't be easy, Matthew." She said then their foreheads touched. "I'm still married."
"I promise to be the perfect gentleman when others are around." His tone was serious. "I'll wait as long as you need. Once you aren't married to James anymore, I'll officially court you. There will be everything. Flowers, love letters, going to parties, maybe even a trip to the countryside, you'll have everything, Cordelia. I promise."
"You don't need to court me. You already have me." She grinned.
The look on his face remained serious. "You didn't get all of this the first time. I want you to have that experience."
"First, we need to deal with a few other things." She sighed then, remembering that she was still bound to Lilith.
"We will find a way to free you." He sounded so sure of it. "You will wield Cortana again in the future. You'll get to be the warrior you always wanted to be."
"You sound so sure of it."
"Just like you're so sure that I'll get over the addiction." He replied simply and kissed her cheek. "It will all work out."
She was already about to suggest that maybe, they should get back to the ballroom. Surely, the others were asking themselves where they were. Some of them had seen them depart together. But before Cordelia could open her mouth, they hard a scream. After exchanging one short look, they stormed out of the games room, Cordelia close behind Matthew.
