Should I say you'll be okay though I know you won't?
Like the heat of the moment wouldn't burn anymore
And I could be lying and you wouldn't mind it at all
Love will grow deeper than pain ever could
Feel the roots interlace 'round your heart
Lay down your guard, open your scars
Now that I feel it I want you to know that
I'm no longer scared of the dark
If that is where you are
- Moth to a Flame by Ary

After a long and tiring shift, I put my lime green robes aside. I was running a hot bath when an owl crashed into my window, interrupting my rest. I hastily get up to open the casement and grabbed the letter from the beak. I stopped when I recognized the seal on it. But after unfolding the letter, I read it quickly. But it took my breath away.
My former Headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, actually asked me if I would accept the post of Herbology professor at Hogwarts. He recalled that I had gotten top marks in Herbology since I was a first year and that my experience as a healer would certainly give me a practical boost to that. He also mentioned my work for the Order with gratitude.
I was thinking about this offer. Of course, at St. Mungo's I always oversaw the cultivation of the medicinal plants and herbs that are essential to our work. But was I ready for the task Dumbledore was entrusting me with?
Back to the school that gave me so much but also took so much? I stared into the mirror across from me. I was now almost 27 years old, but I still looked very young. However, it has been almost 7 years since the agonizing deaths of James and Lily and the horrific attack on Alice and Frank, 8 years since the deaths of Gideon and his brother. The thought of loss still hurts too much. Should I really risk it and reopen these scars?
Sirius was in Azkaban for his actions. I never thought that he would betray his best friend, who was like a brother to him, in such a way. That he killed those Muggles too? Unimaginable and yet true.
Remus was still on the move. It saddened me greatly that he changed jobs so often and was unable to settle down. Maybe he was too marked by the past. Sometimes I sent him money because he was struggling. But just as often he sent it back in the next letter or the one after that. His pride. I understood him. And I found myself stuck again. In the past.
I tried to pull away before I had to think about him again. But it was too late. A shiver ran down my spine. He was still part of my thoughts. Severus…
Maybe it would be good if I reoriented myself professionally. It distracted me, I could focus on something new. I should try it. If I didn't like it, I could keep looking. Like Remus. Always looking for a permanent bond and a home.
My colleagues from St. Mungo said goodbye with a cake and a small farewell party. They agreed that they would miss me and my expertise very much. Although I was always been careful not to form any more close bonds. The loss of my old friends still weighed too heavily. I still thought about them every day. Gideon, Lily, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas, James, Alice and Frank and so many more.
Even the long-standing patients could hardly hide their disappointment. They were particularly attached to my sensitive way, as I not only recognized their external needs, but also grasped their inner states and tried to heal them. However, I didn't always succeed.
The warm farewell means so much to me that even I could hardly hold back my tears. But I was looking forward to my new job as a teacher.
Before I left, I entered the "Janus Thickey - Long-Term Cure Victims' Ward" at St. Mungo's Hospital one last time. I walked over to her bed while she stared out the window, lost in thought. Even though she was my age, her hair was already white. I was so sorry for what those monsters did to her. After all, Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange and Barty Crooch Jr. were in Azkaban. I hoped that they and Antonin Dolohov died miserably there.
But that couldn't bring her sanity back. She recognized anyone no longer. Not even her son Neville, who used to visit her with his grandmother from time to time. Frank's mother didn't know me as the friend who attended the wedding of her son and daughter in law, but only as a healer. This was hardly surprising, however, since Frank and Alice were so popular that some guests showed up at the wedding party, despite the risks. I remembered Alice standing in front of Frank in her wedding dress, both overjoyed.
Now she lay before me, pale and sunken. Nothing was like the Alice she once was.
She suddenly hummed and turned her face to me. I placed the flowers I had received as a farewell by her bed. She smiled like a child.
"Oh, Alice." Gently, my hand stroked her hair. I kissed her forehead lovingly before leaving.

I arrived at Hogwarts with my suitcase. It wasn't difficult to squeeze my belongings into it. Only an old piece of furniture I hexed small. I didn't have many other things that really mattered to me. It was mostly books and a little red box with a ring I never wear.
"Did you have a pleasant journey, Professor?" Dumbledore asked me, studying over his half-moon glasses. He was just as I remembered him from the old days of the Order and the school.
"Yes, thanks. I Apparated to Hogsmeade and slowly walked the rest of the way. You know I don't really like brooms." I answered, still out of breath.
"Right, right. Then set yourself up in your office and private rooms. Please come to the teachers' room around 7 p.m. Then I will introduce you to the staff and we will have a leisurely meal. I've picked out a couple of nice, bright rooms with large windows for you. I remember your eyes wandering outside a lot in class."
I nodded sheepishly, grinning, and did as I was told.
They were really nice rooms with tall, narrow windows, a small bay window and a large fireplace.. My rooms were halfway up the stairs in Gryffindor Tower, very close to Minerva McGonagall, my former Head of House. This lock suddenly triggered a certain calm in me that I hadn't felt for a long time.
After unpacking everything I decided to inspect the greenhouses to see what needed to be done and planned. I stuck my hands into the dark earth and felt the size of the roots of the Mandrake breed or the water reservoir of the Gillyweed. It was a blessing for me because there was something so primal about this work that it calmed and grounded me. I could spend hours tending to these wonderful growths that are full of possibilities.
As dusk fell, I remembered Dumbledore's words and walked briskly into the staff lounge. Outside the door, I used a few more cleaning spells to get the dirt out of my clothes and off my hands. Luckily, I had so much experience with it that nothing was left of it.
I knocked loudly on the wooden door and had to grin. I wasn't a student anymore. I had the right to just enter. So, I jumped happily into the full room. I was late and the staff was already fully assembled. Dumbledore grinned slightly at my rushed and late arrival. I recognized the faces of Minerva and Filius beaming happily at me.
"Now that she's here, I'd like to introduce you all to our new Herbology teacher." He looked at all the teachers before continuing, his eyes locking on a tall, dark figure. "Although, you, Severus, should know her from your school days, right?"
I caught my breath. Severus? Severus Snape? Here? I forced myself to look at Severus. His black hair, his slim tall figure and his wonderful dark eyes. What a crap! I felt alternately hot and cold, nauseated, dizzy. All at the same time.
He looked similarly shocked and surprised to me. I swallowed as an awkward silence fell. All eyes were on us. How I loathed that damn attention. Severus composed himself faster and cleared his throat slightly.
"Obviously," he ground out softly. His gaze was ice cold and more dismissive than ever. But I had found my voice again.
"Yes, we know each other a little. And I am delighted to be able to take up the position of teacher of Herbology. My name is..." And I began with the words I had thought up before I arrived. But my mind was absent. I forced myself to focus my eyes on everyone present except Severus. But I knew I was speaking with a crimson face.
After Dumbledore and the other teachers exchanged a few more loving and happy words with me, the food appeared. The large dining room was only used when the students arrive the next day. I quickly chomped down some potatoes and some meatloaf before retreating on the excuse that I was very tired. Without looking at Severus again, I hurried from the staff room to my rooms.
I threw myself on my bed. Dreadful.
How could I be so stupid and not ask who teaches everything here? But it would never have occurred to me that a former Death Eater was a teacher at Hogwarts. How did this happen? I knew he didn't end up in Azkaban, I would have read that in the Daily Prophet, but here as a teacher? I tossed and turned and still couldn't sleep.
I grabbed my traveling cloak and walked out onto the grounds. That was an advantage, after all: as a professor, I was allowed to be on the premises at any time of the day or night without risking punishment from Filch.
I quickly ran to my old favorite spot on the lake, past the whooping willow, which had now grown to a stately size. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the tree Severus used to read under. I tried to suppress it, but tears ran down my cheeks. It felt just like when I was in school. I shed tears for Severus. Only worse. Lonely, without my friends. Lily, James and Mary are dead, Remus somewhere, Sirius in Azkaban, Peter killed, Alice and Frank in St. Mungo's beyond repairable damage. My tears continued to flow uncontrollably at the thought of everyone..
It was a mistake coming back here. But now I had to endure this for a year. Tomorrow I'll send out applications to be a healer somewhere else. Far away from here. But a year. I had to endure that because I didn't want to let Dumbledore down.

Luckily, I was able to avoid Severus well, because at meals Professor Sinistra sat between us and I stayed away from the dungeons.
But I enjoyed working with the students, at least most of them. Especially with some Gryffindors I feel a good connection like the Weasley boys. Bill looked a lot like his uncle Gideon in stature, but when I looked into Charlie's amber eyes, I recognized him too. As much as it hurt me at first, I was also pleased that a part of Gideon lived on in some way. And since Charlie was very interested in Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures, I was happy to prepare him for his O.W.L. exams. However, his older brother Bill was in his senior year. But he had opted out of Herbology, so I didn't see him in my classes. Maybe that was an advantage in order not to fall into old patterns. Percy Weasley, on the other hand, didn't resemble my memories of the Weasley family at all. He seemed very correct and in control, but he was very open in my lessons. Maybe he wanted to stand out alongside his two older brothers.
Despite my joys in teaching, I felt trapped in a nightmare. The man I had been thinking about for all these years, who had literally clouded my mind, sat two seats next to me at dinner. One sleepless night chased the next. Good thing I was so good at my skills, otherwise I would look like my own ghost.

Two weeks after my arrival, I bumped into Severus after dinner to my surprise.
"Professor, I need to speak to you briefly," he ground out. His eyes stared coldly into my face, my chest ached. He didn't call me by my name, as if we didn't know each other. But wasn't that the case?
"What... what is it?" I asked unsure. His piercing gaze unsettled me far more than I would have thought possible.
"I need new ingredients for my potion classes, which are usually grown in the greenhouses. I made you a list.", he whispered softly and gave me a piece of parchment.
Before I could even nod, he turned and walked quickly towards the dungeons. I caught my breath. I looked at the list. It contained many things written in his narrow and small handwriting, which I know only too well.
Then I'll do it to get it done as soon as possible. I had to replant some things like the blood blister pod and the Sopophorous Bean's. But some were already in my repertoire such as coil root or Plangentine. The Plangentine was best picked in the moonlight. Then I knew what my nightly occupation would be later.
So, I walked across the grass under a clear sky. It had to be just before midnight. The full moon was particularly bright today.
It has already gotten a little colder in the evening and the leaves on the trees were already changing color. A nice night, I thought to myself and went on to the greenhouses to harvest the Plangentine.
I shuddered when I suddenly saw a figure in the dark. It paced back and forth in front of the Black Lake but stopped dead when she saw me. I noticed how the figure changed direction and now also marched towards the greenhouse.
I quickly grabbed my wand, confused as to why I was feeling afraid. Here on the grounds, I was safe, many protective spells prevented the entry of strangers.
I realized now that it wasn't a stranger running towards me. It was Severus Snape. My heart skipped a beat before beating twice as fast.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him loudly.
"I cannot sleep." He said in a low voice. But he didn't sound dismissive, but rather friendly.
I looked at him sharply.
"Nightmares." he whispered. For the first time there was a softness in his voice that I no longer knew from him. He pressed his lips together tightly.
"From Lily?" I asked.
"Yes, always.", he ground out through his clenched jaw.
"I know that well. I dream of her often. Of us and the old days."
"The old days, yes." he said ruefully. I considered asking him what was on my mind the whole time. Would he tell me the truth? I gathered my courage.
"Severus, I don't know why you... why you are here? Surely Dumbledore didn't hire you as a former Death Eater?"
"No. He didn't. Not as a Death Eater anyway. Nobody knows my past. There are only rumours." He was silent and looked at me. I saw a shadow in his eyes.
"I regretted it, Catherine. I begged the Dark Lord to spare her. He killed her anyway when she stood in front of her son. I wanted to protect Lily, you know? She died because of me. It's my fault..." he blurted out.
Tears ran down his cheek. I had never seen him cry before. Feelings of pity and deep affection gripped me, but I pushed them away.
"It's not your fault! You certainly contributed as a Death Eater, but you didn't do it yourself. Sirius betrayed her. For that he suffers in Azkaban."
"You do not understand this." He shook his head violently. His dark eyes watered and he struggled for composure.
"Then explain it to me!" I shouted louder than he was used to from me. Usually, my voice was rather quiet.
"No, I can't." Severus looked pained and desperate. We were silent.
Severus kept his head down as if he couldn't look me in the eyes any longer. But I couldn't contain myself. I finally wanted to throw it at him.
"Then excuse yourself!" I demanded after a while. He looked up in surprise. His dark eyes were filled with tears.
"You still haven't apologized for your words to me." I snapped at him. That was deep with both of us.
"Yes, that was a mistake," he said quietly.
"One of many." I said firmly. But it was good to finally hear the long awaited words from his mouth.
His dark eyes blazed with anger.
"Yes." Came out of his thin lips.
We were silent for a moment until the anger drained from his eyes and he looked down. His black hair fell across his forehead. They shone even more than when we were in school. He didn't seem to care much about his appearance. Still, my knees went weak.
"This isn't going anywhere. It doesn't fix anything.", I said into the oppressive silence and wanted to turn away, but he held my arm.
"I realized my mistake, albeit much too late. I switched sides a few months before Lily's death. Dumbledore knows why. I cannot tell you."
"But I've known for a long time. Because of Lily. All because of Lily. You loved her. Always." I burst out loudly. He looked startled and his eyes narrowed.
"How do you know that?" he asked in a broken voice.
"I knew it from school days." I said bitterly. He looked at me with a pale face. Then he stared at the floor.
"Yes, I suspected that. Did she know too?"
"I suppose so." I said quietly.
Unexpectedly he burst into tears again. The first time of my life I felt helpless in the face of sudden emotions in a man who previously seemed like ice. But I stepped closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped and backed away quickly as if I had violated him. His dark eyes stared at me. He wasn't used to being touched.
"Listen, your loss hurts me too. I loved her like a sister."
"I know. But did...did she...feel anything for me?" he asked in a shaky voice.
"Yes. Until that moment when you took the wrong side." I said coolly. He should suffer as I suffered because of him. My chest tightened, my hands got cold, and I clenched them into fists.
"So, I messed it up." I closed my eyes shortly before I continued.
"Yes, you had, Severus. You missed your chance with your decision for black magic and your Dark Lord. How could she have chosen you? You despised everything she was. A muggle-born witch. They killed people like Lily and me. Death Eaters have tortured and killed so many witches and wizards and not even spared muggles. How could she have loved you?"
A question that also troubles me. Cause was I doing anything but still loving an enemy? Someone who hated me. Who may have killed?
He got on his knees and his hands pressed to his face. He looked like a wounded animal, about to die in excruciating pain. His body trembled. Why did I tell him that? I could have kept silent and left him in the dark. But my pain was also as infinitely deep as the loneliness in my heart.
And this heart was dying with every fiber to go to him, take him in my arms and press my lips to his. I bit my lower lip painfully to clear my thoughts.
"Come on, Severus! It's a part of the past that we can no longer change. I don't think she would have wanted us both stuck in this. She would have wanted to see us live. In the here and now.", I talked more to myself than to him.
But he looked up again and visibly struggled for composure. After a few moments he pulled himself up again, wiping his face with a silk handkerchief to hide the last tears.
"You still have it with you? After all these years?" I widened my eyes in astonishment.
"Yes, it reminded me of happier days."
I swallowed. Severus had carried my gift with him. All the time. Maybe our friendship meant more to him than I knew all along? I reached into my robes and pulled out an old cotton handkerchief and showed it to him.
A brief smile crossed his face. He nodded. We understood each other.
I looked at him again. He still looked good. At least for me personally. I caught myself thinking about pressing myself against his body when he found the words again.
"We should go. What drove you to the greenhouse so late?"
"The Plangentine."
"Ah, of course. It must be harvested by moonlight." His lips curled into a thin grin that quickly faded.
"Yes, I also remember that we studied together for the relevant exam." I said. A twinkle came into his eyes and I got the feeling that he knew full well that I would be going to the greenhouses tonight.
He nodded. "I will accompany you if it suits you." His low voice had a strange undertone.
"Yes, maybe then you can tell me why you work as a Potions teacher? I know you did exceptionally well in school." I replied curiously.
He cleared his throat.
"Well, they don't let me teach Defense Against the Dark Arts."
Of course not, because Professor Dumbledore knew he was too deep into it. Was he still, maybe?
"What did you do after school?" Severus asked in a soft voice.
I told him about the Order, St. Mungo's, my parents' deaths in a car accident. And also, the loneliness I felt without my old friends. I didn't know why, but I left my relationship with Gideon out of our conversation.
"So much we have in common again, Catherine." He shook his head and looked sideways at me. He too had lost his parents early, but it wasn't a great loss for him either. He told me about his life at Hogwarts, about the students, who he considers mostly untalented. But he preferred to keep quiet about his time as a Death Eater.
We talked so long that it was already dawn. We quickly disappeared into our rooms to freshen up before we had to go back to classes early.