I know that I've been messed up
You never let me give up
All the nights and the fights
And the blood and the breakups
You're always there to call up
I'm a pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid
But yeah, you understand
Yeah, like no one can
I know that we don't look like much
But no one fucks it up like us
- Army by Ellie Goulding

When I arrived at Hogwarts, Minerva, Filius and Dumbledore greeted me warmly in the staff room and I chose one of the mismatched, dark wooden chairs next to them. Severus didn't join until dinner, but he smiled slightly when he saw me and as always didn't show it to the others and greeted me collegially.
After the staff was fully assembled, we were introduced to the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, after her predecessor spontaneously decided to emigrate while on vacation and never return to Hogwarts. No one was surprised that the post was filled again, only the reasons why were always interesting.
"They say she met someone there and fell head over heels in love," Minerva explained to Filius and me. Severus, meanwhile, leaned back, because he was not interested in such stories and would rather be amused by watching Minerva exchanging such gossip. As a student at Hogwarts, Minerva always struck me as so correct that I never would have guessed that she was quite garrulous in the staff room.
"In Transylvania?" Filius squeaked, clasping his hands in excitement. Filius always seemed to take pleasure in Minerva's information, this surprised me as well, but sometimes you're someone else on the outside and you leave a part hidden, right?
"Maybe a vampire who drained her soul?" I added less sternly, but Minerva regarded me seriously.
"Vampires were her specialty. I wouldn't really be surprised." Minerva whispered and looked me in the eyes. I swallowed, because I feared what was happening to other teachers in this position if it wasn't completely impossible, but luckily no one had died so far. I looked at the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. She was about the same age as her predecessor, but Professor Fletcher happily joined the group. Her light blonde curls were short and danced around her forehead.
Then I caught Severus' gaze, who was studying me, his face was expressionless, but his eyes sparkled treacherously. I stifled a grin and turned to the food that appeared. There was beef stew with beans, mashed potatoes and vegetable casserole and I put some of everything on my plate. What had I missed the delicious food from Hogwarts during the holidays. As I ate with a great appetite, I watched as Severus picked at his food just a little. His thoughts were back and they were probably dark. I gave a short sigh, which immediately caught Minerva's attention.
"Oh, my dear, you are hungry. Weren't your holidays satisfactory in that topic?" she asked me and caught me cold as ice. I had again forgotten to come up with a plausible story about my vacation planning this year.
"Oh I just met an old friend in London. So, it wasn't very exciting." I explained after choking down my full mouth with some ice cold pumpkin juice. And I immediately felt Severus' eyes wander to me, because he knew who I was talking about and he raised his eyebrows sceptically.
"An old friend? But who could that be? I assume you mean someone from school, don't you?" Minerva wanted to know curiously; Filius now turned his face to me as well.
"Maybe someone from your old group?" He asked just as insistently.
"Oh, it must be Remus Lupin. If I remember correctly, you two were almost inseparable your last year in school." Minerva stated and was pleased when I blushed slightly, causing Severus to cough a little. This actually amused me a bit. Minerva, Filius and Severus seemed very interested in my connection with Remus and I felt like playing with it, I thought it was a good opportunity to distract from the connection between Severus and me.
"Now many of our companions are no longer there and that is why we have never lost sight of each other in the past few years and I wouldn't want to miss Remus." I said lightly and took some more mashed potatoes. Minerva's eyes sparkled like Filius', while Severus's glowed. I couldn't believe it, he was still jealous of Remus even though he knew exactly in whose arms my head rested at night.
"It's always good to know who your friends are and who aren't." interjected Severus with his soft voice and tried to suppress his anger. So that was something we should talk about together again, it occurred to me.
"Indeed, Severus." agreed Minerva and nodded. "And I hope Remus Lupin is okay? What is he doing at the moment?" She looked at me interested and was now chewing on the pot roast while she awaited a lengthy report from me.
"Remus works now for an organization that helps muggle children from poor and deprived backgrounds and he tries to get by with everything.", I replied succinctly. I didn't know if she knew his secret, but she seemed to understand, as she just nodded and took a long sip from her mug before turning her attention to the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and figuring out some piquant life events.
After dinner, however, I said goodbye and stole into the empty library. Madam Pince was still eating and without the students, who would not be arriving until the following evening, I had the rest I needed.
I went straight to the Charms department and ran my finger along the covers. Oh, it would be so easy with a librarian who wouldn't stick her nose in everywhere without being helpful. I scanned the table of contents for the many books, but none seemed to deal with wands and their special connections.
"Have you checked the Restricted Section yet?" a familiar voice asked gently in my ear. I pushed the book back onto the shelf and closed my eyes as I felt soft kisses on the back of my neck.
"Severus, do you think this is the right place?" I breathed. I thought he was even more resentful that I had aired my association with Remus like that in the staff room.
"No, I do not think so. But in seventh year I watched you here often enough and imagined doing exactly this with you." He whispered and turned me to kiss me passionately. My arms wrapped around his neck, one hand of his resting on my waist, the other running down my back. Severus then kissed gently down my neck to my cleavage, one hand starting to play with my hair.
"Severus, not here...if anyone comes in," I breathed under his caresses.
"Do not worry. Here's just the foreplay. I know where the main course is." Severus announced with a mischievous smile on his face.
"Then help me with the search first. Or did you find something useful at Malfoy's manor?", I said and only saw him shake his head briefly before I turned back to the many books. He sighed behind me and I heard him walking slowly towards the restricted section. After all, he knew his way around there better than I did.
After a while, Severus approached me with an old black leather-bound book.
"The only thing I found is a chapter on wand magic and I skimmed it. Here is a text about the connection to the owner. A hornbeam wand like yours chooses its owner with uncompromising determination. The wand rapidly adapts to the personality of the magical human, making the wand almost useless for other witches or wizards. The hornbeam wand imbibes its owner's code of honour and refuses any spell, good or bad, that is not in accordance with the owner's principles," he read and then looked at me briefly, frowning.
"Yes, that explains my experience with Mulciber in fourth year when he tried to hex Mary. And yours?" I agreed and Severus continued.
"Black ebony has an impressive reputation for being excellent for all types of battle magic and polymorph. Ebony prefers owners who have the courage to be themselves. As a result, ebony wand owners are often maladjusted, highly individualized, or content with outsider status. The ebony staff is perfect for someone who will stand by their beliefs no matter the pressure and not be easily swayed from their purpose." Severus stopped, his eyes narrowing to slits. I looked at him. Yes, it was a perfect fit for the man I loved.
"And is there anything about strange connections in the book?" I asked.
"The only thing I found about it is called Priori Incantatem. It triggers a "spell reversal effect" where a wand's curses and spells erupt in reverse order as shadows or sounds from the tip. The curse cast last comes first, followed by those from further back. If only the last spell cast with the wand is to be recalled, a similar-looking misty reproduction of the last cast spell can be cast by the Priori Incantatem spell.
The wand backtracking spell can not only be brought about by magical people, when checking wands, but also comes about through the magic of wands themselves. This unique phenomenon occurs when the owners of twin-core wands force them to fight each other. A magical bond exists between wands whose magical core comes from the same animal being. When they meet, the two don't act as they normally would, but are linked, and one of the wands forces the other to reenact the curses and spells that have been performed with it. However, this phenomenon occurs very rarely and is therefore largely unknown in the magical world."
I looked at Severus as he closed the book and put it away.
"Our cores are both dragon heartstrings," I stated quietly. Severus nodded.
"That's their connection, Severus. What if our cores belonged to the same host?" My voice was strained.
"But we've pointed our wands at each other before and nothing of the sort happened. And now something so extraordinary is supposed to happen just when they're lying next to each other?" Severus asked. He crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes to think. He was right, we fought each other in the Duelling Club in school days and there was no sign of such a rare connection.
"Maybe because it was an exercise? We didn't really want to hurt each other. And I, for my part, never hated you or wanted to harm you. What if that matters?" I asked softly, sitting down in a chair by the window across from Severus. The sunset bathed the library in a light pink.
"Yes, but that explains only why we were both not very good when we competed, and I was at my best fighting Potter and Black. I loved you and wanted to protect you, I hated the other two and wanted to insult them. But why would the wands react now? In peace, in the night, without our hands guiding them? What should be different?" he asked softly, shaking his head.
"No, something else must be responsible for that. Another power that I can't find an explanation for right now," he said, rising from his position to face me. I bit my lower lip, because I didn't have the power to do something like that either. I got up and took his hand as Severus led me out of the library and he led me into a room that I didn't know yet on the sixth floor, hidden behind a painting of a bearded wizard standing in a waterfall. He stopped in front of the magically locked door.
"You know about the prefect bathroom?" he whispered in my ear. I nodded because Lily had told me about it as head girl and Remus also dropped a few words of respect.
"What if there's something like this for the Heads of House?" he asked me quietly, his hand sliding down my back, giving me goosebumps. I swallowed.
"And what if I tell you that I've never felt the need to use this bath before?" he breathed into my throat and a tingling spread from there over my whole body.
"I actually looked in for the first time when I arrived the day before yesterday. And what can I say? Maybe we've missed something the last two years." He said quietly and tapped his wand on the doorknob and whispered "Rosewater".
A large green marble bath opened in front of us and it was softly lit by a splendid candle-filled chandelier. The floor-to-ceiling windows were decorated with colourful glass mosaics showing the 4 founders of the houses.
A huge pool lay in front of us, various gold bathtub faucets surrounding the entire swimming pool-like tub and each had a different jewel embedded in each gold faucet. Bubble jets and embedded loungers on the sides allowed for a gentle massage. At the back was a kind of warming house with loungers in dark wood, what Muggles called a sauna.
"We have all night," he whispered softly in my ear, took my hand, closed the door with his wand behind us and a jet of water shot green bubbles into the pool, which quickly filled with foam that smelled seductive. My gaze wandered over the soft fresh towels in red, green, yellow and blue, which stood in large wicker baskets on the edge, as well as colour-coordinated bathrobes and slippers. I felt my mouth drop wide and shut it as Severus watched me with a grin.
"Ready?" Severus asked me in a low voice, and I could only nod, which elicited a wider grin from him. With a flick of his wand my dress and robe fell noisily to the floor, with another flick he was standing naked next to me himself. I took his hand and studied his face, his light forehead framed by his black hair, his black eyes that sparkled seductively, his prominent nose that I loved so much, his thin-lipped mouth that formed a smile that was meant only for me, his protruding Adam's apple, his fair-toned skin stretching over his chest showing a mellow line of muscle beneath him, his dark brown nipples erect with arousal, his hairline trailing seductively from his belly button to his privates, his torso adorned with a pair of moles, the appearance and location of which I now knew very well, having kissed and caressed each one by now. I swallowed hard while Severus continued to gaze deep into my eyes, enjoying my gaze over his body, which he felt was filled with love, affection, and desire just as he was looking at me. Every day, with or without clothes. And together we enjoyed this special bathroom.

I lay in Severus' arms on the evening of the sorting ceremony, he gently stroked my hair and leaned his warm body against my back.
"Have you seen your schedule yet?" he asked in a soft voice, kissing the back of my neck making my skin tingle.
"No," I stated in surprise. "Why do you ask?"
"Check it out," he whispered in my ear.
"Accio schedule," I yelled, flicking my wand briefly. It flew right out of my briefcase and into my hand and I studied it carefully.
"I have a free period on Monday after lunch, Tuesday before lunch and my entire Friday afternoon is free," I stated in surprise. In the last two school years I never had an entire afternoon off.
"As am I," Severus stated in a satisfied voice. I turned to him and raised my eyebrows.
"I looked over Minerva's shoulder yesterday while making the plans and had one or two suggestions for improvement, which happened to mean that we had a little more free time together than usual during the day." He smiled lovingly at me. "I want as much time with you as possible, Catherine. If you're not here next year…" Severus didn't finish the sentence instead he took my hand and brought it to his lips.
"I'll still be with you," I said quietly, my throat thick.
"It won't be that easy anymore.", he said looking at me with sad black eyes.
"So, what's our plan, Severus?" I asked, looking at him intently. He turned his gaze to the ceiling and lay down on the bed with his hands clasped behind his head.
"As long as the Dark Lord does not show himself openly, there will be no followers. As long as I'll come to you at night. As often as I can and if I have my way, it's every night." He said, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling.
I lay down next to him with my eyes on the ceiling too and looked at the walls of the castle. I knew I would miss this carefree time with him so much that it was already choking me.
"But Dumbledore has put so many wards around this castle - it's not even possible to get out with the fireplace unnoticed. Apparition is also not possible. Maybe with a broom, but there are protective charms on the gate that register it..." I bit my lower lip, it was impossible to get out of the castle unnoticed. I looked at Severus and my heart was still pounding faster against my chest. After 2 years in his arms my body was still not used to his existence in my life. With every fibre my body showed me my love for the man next to me. My soul, on the other hand, could no longer imagine life without him. I waited too long for him.
"Dumbledore trusts me, Catherine. If I want with floo powder to Cokeworth, he'll let me. From there to you is not impossible. And there's another way of getting around that I didn't tell you.", Severus whispered and looked directly at me.
"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning.
"You know that the Dark Lord accepted me into his inner circle in his last year? Well, he saw potential in me and wanted to train me to be his right-hand man. He taught me to fly like he did and I practiced and internalized it in the first few years as a teacher." Severus barely whispered while he studied my facial expressions, as he so often did when he revealed secrets to me that he didn't want to know how I would react.
"How do you mean? You can…fly?" I babbled and now looked him straight into his fair-skinned face.
"Just like I said. I don't need a broom for this." he said like it was the most normal thing in the world, but it wasn't even in our world of wizards and witches. I gaped at him, my mind racing.
"So, next to me lies the greatest wizard of our time." I breathed in surprise. I hadn't heard anything like this before. Add to that his mastery of Potions, Charms, and Defence Against the Dark Arts... I was speechless.
"Thank you for that great compliment. Just that no one will ever know.", he added quietly and now stroked through my long and plentiful hair again.
"But why, Severus? Why don't you use your skills? You are destined for so much more than eking out your life here as a teacher," I said in great appreciation.
"You know the answer," was the only thing he replied, and I could tell he disliked it himself. So much potential, so much skills...unseen and unused.
Yes, I knew the reason, but it was the first time that I questioned this. I saw for the first time what it took for Severus to settle that debt. I fervently hoped that the boy was worth everything. That he was the answer to Voldemort's ultimate disintegration.
As if reading my mind, Severus grabbed my chin and lifted it slightly to look straight into my eyes.
"This is our world, our future, and I won't let them take any of it." His exhalation had been shaky. "I want everything with you, Catherine. Everything this world has to offer, and it's more than worth fighting for. And I do." He pulled my chin towards him now, his lips touched mine and I closed my eyes.
"But I keep thinking about how I can work as a Professor here at Hogwarts and fulfill my task when the Dark Lord has awakened. It will take up most of my time and yet I want to have a life with you without making you feel neglected. It's something that I now ponder for several hours a day and gives me some sleepless nights." He cupped his hand in my face and gently tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"You don't have to worry about it. I'll find a way for myself." I whispered, trying to sound confident. I, too, had thought about what to do after this school year, and I had thought of something.
"You said yourself earlier, as long as the Dark Lord hasn't awakened, we don't have to worry. I would love to work as a healer again for so long. And when the time comes - it could be years after all - I'll use the cottage by the sea as my sanctuary. Nobody knows I have it… but I wanted to make an exception." I faltered, because on the last sentence his black eyes narrowed and fixed me in an odd way.
"Who is it? Who do you want to risk everything for?"; Severus asked quietly, but I felt he already knew the answer.
"Remus," I said simply and looked steadily into his black eyes. I straightened my body steadfastly to show him how serious I was.
"Lupin? The one who tormented me with Potter and Black should be the one holding our safety in his hands?" Severus asked wide-eyed, getting up from the bed. his hands were clenched so tightly that the whites of his knuckles were protruding. The vein in his forehead pulsed ominously. I jumped after him.
"He's my best friend and the only one I have left. He needs me." I said trying to grab his hands, but Severus turned away, panting.
"I thought you only needed me with you," Severus said bitterly in a low voice.
"Yes, I want to be with you. But I won't make the same mistake I made when I sacrificed our friendship for Lily." I said softly, leaning against his back, my hand gently stroked him to calm him down, but he was breathing heavily before slowly turning to face me.
"You trust Lupin?" he asked in a cold voice, his face seemed expressionless, his eyes unfathomable.
"I would trust him with my life," I said, nodding resolutely.
"Then do that. You know what happened to Potter when he trusted his best friend with his life and Lily's." Severus said, grabbing his robes next to me and disappearing.
He slammed the door loudly behind him. I sighed and felt tears slowly slide down both cheeks. I knew he still had big problems with trust and even more so with his old rivals, but I fervently hoped that he would calm down and understand my motives.
I closed my eyes and thought how easy life could be without Voldemort.