As the music at the banquet
As the wine before the meal
As the firelight in the night
So are you to me
As the ruby in the setting
As the fruit upon the tree
As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me
- So are you to me by Peter Bradley Adams
Severus lovingly ran his fingers over my chest, drawing circles on my stomach and leaving a tingling sensation on me. He grinned when he noticed that my skin reacted with pleasure, but I noticed that his mind quickly wandered back to the place where he had to go again.
"How did you get here to me?" I asked him quietly.
"Just as I planned. We didn't connect your fireplace to the flea network so that no one from the ministry knows that a witch lives here." His eyes were now fixed on my face again instead of staring at the wall behind me, lost in thought.
"Yes, since Dark Lord had already undermined the Ministry in the last fight, there was no such possibility," I replied, nodding. I shuddered at the thought of that past where no one could be trusted. At any time, your best friend would have been struck by the Imperius curse, or worse, voluntarily defected, out of fear and desperation or out of conviction, there was little difference to the betrayal that threatened.
"So, I first walked towards Hogsmeade, then Apparated, flew a bit and then Apparated again. I have decided that I will take a different route each time." Severus said with a wry grin.
"But it sounds complicated," I said, frowning as my hand ran lovingly through his hair.
"Maybe. But at least it brings some security," Severus said, gently kissing the skin between my curves. I knew it was his way of expressing his love for me, he didn't want to take any risks.
I followed his touches with a grin and leaned back relaxed.
"And I have to honestly confess that I would like to stay here forever, not go back," he whispered and kissed my neck until he found my mouth and his tongue began to play with mine. And I wish this could be realized. But I knew it would be possible at some point. Someday, we could just stay together.
"Do you remember what it was like for you to arrive at Hogwarts for the first time?" I asked Severus, triggered by the thought that Lily's son was now crossing the same walls. Severus looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, I saw him return to his memories of that first of September 1971. It had been raining all day, I could still remember that myself.
"Yes, I got off the Hogwarts Express, helped Lily with her suitcase before we got on a boat together to cross the lake. I remember looking at Lily the whole time, she was so excited before I turned away to see the castle the first time, the glowing windows. It was really impressive. I had hoped that my suffering would now be over, and I could find my happiness with Lily in this place," he said softly, his left hand playing with a strand of my hair, lost in thought, while he propped himself up with the other to look at me. Suddenly, a small smile played around his mouth, and he added: "But if I think about it, I have indeed found my happiness there. I met you."
I beamed at him, I could still clearly remember the boy with the shy look, whose black hair fell into his forehead. His black eyes widened when he saw the castle.
"You seem to have felt the same way? Or why are you grinning so broadly?" Severus asked, brushing an unruly strand behind my ear.
"No, not at all. But I still remember you clearly," I said with a smile.
"Me? I thought you didn't notice me until much later with Lily." Severus looked curiously into my eyes. It was as if he was trying to read in it what I knew and what I remembered.
"Um, not quite. Do you want to see it?" I asked him and he raised his eyebrows in irritation.
"What do you mean? Legilimency? I respect you too much for that, you know that," Severus said in a deep voice.
"I really appreciate that, Severus. But with my permission, you're welcome to take a look at my memory," I whispered with a grin. He thought for a moment, and I saw how he struggled with his principles and how curiosity took over.
He nodded and I looked into his black eyes as I remembered my first of September, which took on a special meaning in my life every year from then on.
I saw myself sitting in an empty compartment of the red train, I looked through the window at the full platform. There was no sign of my parents, because the first graders, who were Muggle-born, were asked to arrive earlier so that their parents could be instructed in the peculiarity of the platform.
And now I sat there, excited by all the things that were so unknown to me and sometimes scared me. I had put my new wand in my lap, it gave me security. I felt this deep connection to this piece of wood since I bought it from an old strange man who had measured me before he presented me with different wooden sticks. And it was only with this one from Hornbeam that there was an immediate spark, a warmth filled me that promised me security to this day as soon as it was in my hand. It was the only thing that showed me that maybe I really was a witch. This piece of wood had chosen me.
Suddenly, the opening compartment door tore me out of my thoughts. In front of me were 2 older girls. They looked at me and I tried to smile. Immediately, they both wrinkled their noses.
"All the compartments are full, only with this disgusting mudblood there is space," said one with dark long curls and looked at me disparagingly. My half-smile froze immediately, I swallowed my disappointment. What did she mean by mud? I was clean, had taken a bath the day before. I looked down at myself for a moment to make sure.
"Emma, I think it's the opportunity to show her where her place is in our world, isn't it?" said an older boy behind them suddenly, with a silver P shimmering on his chest. He had platinum blonde hair laid back, his grey eyes looking at me only briefly.
"Lucius, you can't be serious! Why don't you throw her out of this compartment so that we can have peace? I don't want to spend the whole day with this undignified thing," said the girl with the light brown short hair. Her blue eyes sparkled angrily at the boy, who put on a fake smile.
"Well, I'm a prefect. The idiot Dumbledore chose me for a reason. I'm smart enough to recognize when someone like you needs a dawdling lesson. If you hadn't wasted your time making Dolohov beautiful eyes, you could still have found a place in a worthy compartment. So then, I'll go back to my compartment, to Narcissa," he said in a blasé voice, before pushing the girls into the compartment and taking a seat in the compartment opposite.
"You immediately made the acquaintance of Emma Nott and Cordelia Selwyn. Two embarrassing characters. How unpleasant, when you were already so insecure that day," I heard the voice of Severus in my ear.
"Yes, they scared me with their talk about purebloods and the House of Syltherin. I knew I could never feel comfortable there. That's why the Sorting Hat recognized my fear of the Slytherin house choice and chose Gryffindor. Strange, considering that Gryffindor stands for courage, and I was scared at that moment," I said softly, seeing Severus blurry in front of me, pressing his lips together.
"The hat was going to put you in Slytherin?" he squeezed out, irritated.
"I guess he thought I was ambitious enough, yes," I said, sliding to the next memory that summed up my feelings.
I hoisted my heavy suitcase down the stairs of the train. My nervousness had given way to pure fear. What if all the students from the pure-blood families were like the girls from the train? They had talked about Slytherin and how important it was to be pure-blood in order to accomplish and make a difference. However, I hadn't read anything about it in my secondhand schoolbooks. Had I missed something? Maybe I shouldn't have put the story of sorcery aside halfway through. But it was all so interesting. I didn't know what to read or what to learn first. But I now knew which house I didn't want to go to under any circumstances - Slytherin. But I knew I wouldn't fit into any of them.
I had read about the houses and founders in the history of Hogwarts, I wasn't brave enough for Gryffindor, I wasn't loyal enough for Hufflepuff, I wasn't smart enough for Ravenclaw, and I wasn't ambitious enough for Slytherin.
And now I stood there, feeling miserable and knowing I wouldn't belong again. I was an outcast of this strange world that I still couldn't understand or comprehend. And in the world of Muggles? I was also an abnormality.
"First graders here!" I heard a booming voice and as I followed it, there was a shaggy tall man who scared me as well.
"Into the boats with you! Always 4 in one!" he shouted through the lashing rain. I wasn't just shivering from the cold.
With wobbly legs, I went into one of the back ones and sat down with a pretty red-haired girl and a shy-looking boy with black hair. I tried to smile, but I just grimaced.
"Hello, I'm Mary. And you?" a voice next to me asked. I investigated Mary MacDonald's face and flew over her brown curls, her smile cheering me up a little. The red-haired girl across was also smiling wide.
"I'm Catherine," I said softly, also nodding to the black-haired boy, who, however, had his eyes fixed on the pretty face with the dark lips as if she were a shining jewel. He didn't seem to notice anything else. I felt a little envy rising up inside me. What if I had someone by my side who was so concerned about my well-being?
"And I'm Lily." Her bright voice instantly lit up the entire boat and I sensed that she had an engaging personality. She radiated something I didn't know. Her clothes were neat and clean. She had that indefinable kind of a person, for whom cared for, who had been dearly loved, which was so clearly lacking in me and the boy next to her. It was something I felt I wasn't worthy of their friendship.
"I can't remember you or MacDonald, but you were on that boat?" the grown-up Severus next to me asked in astonishment and the space around us took on its outlines again.
"Yes, and I saw when you see Hogwarts for the first time," I said softly, gently running a hand over his cheek. "But I had the impression Lily was more impressive to you than anything else." I giggled and Severus shook his head.
"A mistake, wasn't it? But I was so happy that our time together finally began. But already that evening I had my nickname of Potter and Black. And I was separated from Lily, I was a Slytherin, she was a Gryffindor. It couldn't have been worse. I quickly understood that Hogwarts was a difficult place. Where it wasn't enough to be a brilliant mind, it took more than that."
"Social skills. Something we both lacked. I was too shy, and you were too overambitious to prove yourself, weren't you?"
"It's a good thing we've put that behind us," Severus said, pulling me closer to him.
"Are you sure?" I asked, laughing.
"Mostly," he whispered, and I pulled him closer to me so that there was nothing between us, no space, no air separating us.
Kissing, we snuggled into the silky silver sheets before the morning irrevocably reminded us of his duties. Frightened by the passing time, he drove up and quickly dressed to be at Hogwarts in time for the first lesson of the day.
"But you haven't had breakfast yet," I said, but he shook his head when I wanted to go into the kitchen to give him at least a loaf of bread.
Instead, he took an apple, as he so often did at Hogwarts as a student when he was nervous or indulged in heavy thoughts.
"Don't worry, that will be enough. I don't have much appetite lately," he said, before kissing me goodbye, throwing on his black cloak and closing the door behind him with big steps that puffed up his cloak.
There I stood, with a slice of bread in one hand and the other hand raised in farewell. I sighed and ran my empty hand over my lips that had just been kissed. I could still feel his warmth clinging to them.
Then I had to hurry up myself to show up freshly showered and changed for my first day of work at my old job.
I first walked from the cottage a few meters away and then apparated to the Leaky Cauldron, where the barkeeper Tom nodded to me briefly. He knew that in the future I would use his pub more often, as many other witches and wizards did. It was his trade secret because that was how this run brought him enough customers. I hadn't yet thrown on my lime green cloak with the hospital emblem, a magic wand that crosses a bone. I wanted to spread as little information about myself as possible. It was better that no one knew who I was or where I was going.
Further, I walked quickly through the crowded city, to a dreary five-story building. From the outside, it was an inconspicuous old department store, with the emblem of Purge & Dowse Ltd. could be read. The signs on the doors have always claimed that it is closed for renovations.
I quickly approached the shop window. I whispered my request to a battered and old-fashioned mannequin. The doll unobtrusively bent one of her fingers crookedly and the glass pane became passable for me. I took a quick look around and stepped through the window into the St. Mungo's Hospital. The whole process happened so quickly that it was not noticed by any of the passers-by.
Inside, a counter stretched out in front of me, the registration. The welcome witch eyed me critically for a moment before smiling.
"Catherine, I recognized you right away. How nice that you are working here again. You and your expertise were really sorely missed. But your shift doesn't start for another 30 minutes on the third floor," said Veronica Blythe, the receptionist with a big smile.
"Thank you! But I wanted to stop by the fourth floor shortly before. Visiting old friends," I replied quietly, briefly looking at the portrait of Dilys Derwent, a former healer and then head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
"Ah, yes, I remember. But I have to disappoint you, unfortunately there is no improvement," she said with a sad face. The fate of my old friend occupied every employee here.
"I already suspected that. Nevertheless, I would like to visit them again. It's been so long," I replied, and Veronica nodded before pointing her hand to the elevator as if I were a regular visitor and I saw Dilys Derwent disappear from her portrait. Apparently, she reported to Dumbledore in his office about my arrival at St. Mungo.
With slow steps, I walked along the corridor I was familiar with. The last time I entered these rooms, I was so infinitely unhappy, there was no love in my heart. Now I was all the richer, even if I couldn't reveal it. The love from Severus, which I could now call mine, made me walk through these rooms in a different way than I was used to. I was in love with all my heart.
When I entered the Janus Thickey Station for long-term curse victims, a familiar face came towards me.
"Miriam! You're still working here. It's good to see you!" I said with a grin and shook hands with the motherly healer. Miriam Strout was the ward healer and she was in charge of the entire floor.
"Catherine! I've heard you're coming back to us! It's a real blessing. We have a few young witches and wizards in training again. It's a mess, I can tell you," she replied, shaking my hand firmly.
"How are Alice and Frank?" I asked her and her smile froze immediately.
"There is still no change that would be significant. Even if her son Neville said his mother always gives him paper bags of such a candy. He really thinks she's trying to express his love for him. She may just want to dispose of her garbage," Miriam explained. "But please, you're welcome to see them for yourself."
I nodded and walked through the secured door before turning into a bright double bedroom.
Alice stood by the window while Frank slept in his bed.
I slowly stood next to her and looked at her. Her eyes were fixed on nothing in the outside world, they lay as if in a mist, her face motionless. I sighed and looked out the window with her. Alice did not look at me, nor did she show in any other way that she had noticed my presence. But I didn't expect anything else. If there had been the slightest improvement in her condition, an old colleague would have informed me, as I had requested.
"Hello Alice. Your son Neville came to Hogwarts this year. I've heard he's in Gryffindor. Just as we were. I'm sure you're proud of him, aren't you?" I asked, smiling at her from the side. She turned her head to me, and I would have given a lot to see her smile, to hear her boast about her boy. Instead, her face remained expressionless, her cheeks pale and sunken. Her prematurely graying strands of hair fell into her forehead.
"I brought you something from Honeydukes at Hogsmeade. Squeaking sugar mice, you used to like them so much. I remember when you hid one of them in Mary's cloak in the third year of school and she almost went crazy from the quicken. She just couldn't explain where it came from until you told her," I said, hearing my voice slightly enraptured by the thought of past experiences. But there was no emotion on my former friend's face and I realized again that I had lost her. Just like Mary and Lily.
"I'll put it here on your bedside table, Alice," I said, and walked past the sleeping Frank, whose pale face barely stood out from the sheet on which he was lying.
I turned to give her one last look, only to be surprised to find that she was standing behind me. We looked into each other's eyes and for a brief moment I thought I recognized her old self, but in the next breath her eyes were glazed again without the previous fire.
I sighed and closed my eyes briefly in anger. Anger at everything that was done to her. These monsters.
"I'll be able to visit you more often now, Alice. So this time it's just going to be a quick goodbye," I said, turning to leave, but her hand rushed around my wrist at lightning speed. Irritated, I stared into her face, which was still blank. Suddenly, I felt her shove something between my fingers and drop my hand again.
I looked slowly at my hand, on which lay a blank candy paper. I looked at it in amazement before smiling. Miriam Strout was wrong. Alice recognized not only Neville, but also me, and she found a way to let us know that she loved us.
"Thank you, Alice," I said with dry mouth before hugging her tightly. Her body lay stiff against me, no emotion was felt as if I was hugging a lifeless doll, but I knew Alice was somewhere in there and I hoped she could free herself at some point.
I nodded at her before I went back down one floor to start my job as a healer. As I slowly descended the stairs, I tapped the wand against me and my dark red dress with black cloak was supplanted by the lime green clothing of a healer from St. Mungo. I went to the break room, where I suspected the Healer-in-Charge at shift change. I would take the position of second healer in charge for the station.
I was warmly welcomed by Asklepios Sharp. I knew him from before. His dark brown hair had become longer and his face was now adorned with a few more worry lines. But he still wore his three-day beard just like 4 years ago when I left St. Mungo for Hogwarts.
"It's very nice that we're getting capable reinforcements here again. You know the problem, you have to react quickly here. Obviously, this is not for everyone," he said and shook my hand in greeting.
"Yes, Asclepius. How is your father? Did he survive his poisoning with the reficite potion ?" I asked softly, remembering that he had taken too much of it when I left. It was a stimulant potion that contained various opiates. Asclepius blushed slightly, his eyes narrowed into slits.
"Thank you for pointing out what it was. I'm still embarrassed. If you could keep it to yourself?" he said in a low voice.
"Of course," I replied, nodding. Asclepius looked at me gratefully before raising his arm invitingly towards the door.
"Then come with me, I'll introduce you to our current patients," he said and led me through the surprisingly full ward.
Some patients had harmed themselves by improperly handling potions or plants, but others were victims of their fellow human beings. There were so many ways in our world of magic to harm others unnoticed that it worried me. This was something I had left behind when I was working at Hogwarts, but which now came back to my memory with full force.
Severus kept his word and he tried to visit me every night, even though his dark circles grew deeper, his skin paler. Nothing stopped him from sinking into my arms during the nights and finding the support he needed. I was happy to give him this, because I also longed for his presence, his words, his smile, his scent. I knew I couldn't take it anymore without him.
This world with all the wounds, the poisonings that witches and wizards inflicted on each other for different reasons. All this absurdity of feelings that were so vile... slowly I understood Severus and his disgust for too much contact with others.
But after Halloween, Severus suddenly showed up at my place with a bloody and mutilated leg and I maneuvered the limping man onto my couch.
/Sorry for the nasty cliffhanger. But most certainly know the story behind Severus' injury and this chapter would have been way too long otherwise.
I hope you like the new chapter too?/
