Enter these gates

Fill your hands with the rain

Reaching up to the maze of light in the sky

Ageless as the sun, the long forgotten one

Gold in your eyes dancing like fire

Dreamer trapped by your desire

Turns you into stone, the light you stole

River turns to dust, miles on the run

Everywhere you go, can't find no home

All the world you roam turns you into stone

- turns you into stone by Fleurie

So it happened that this night the wand of Ebony sounded a loud signal. Severus was startled and I fell out of his arms, in which he had accompanied me to sleep as usual.

I frowned as he frantically dressed.

"Do you think Harry is-" I began, but he interrupted me angrily.

"That good-for-nothing cheeky bastard!" he shouted, and rushed down the stairs to quickly leave the cottage for Hogwarts.

I stayed behind sighing. How I would now like to be at Hogwarts, at this man's side, to witness the events there. But for me there was no such possibility and I had no choice but to wait until Severus returned to me or sent a message.

But none of this happened before I had to leave. And so, in great uncertainty, I started my shift at St. Mungo and routinely worked through a few poisonings by magical plants that the gardeners had thought were weeds and thought about the weeks of summer ahead of me.

I had taken unpaid leave to spend the weeks in Cokeworth with Severus. Undisturbed by signaling wands or Severus' dislike for Harry Potter. Just like in the times before the boy's first year of school.

When I entered the cottage in the early evening, Severus was nervously pacing up and down in front of the couch. He stopped when he saw me, his body tense to the extreme, his hands trembling slightly. His face was pale, paler than I had ever seen before. I carelessly dropped my lime green work robe on the floor and ran towards Severus and I hugged him, where he suddenly lost all tension and began to falter. It was so atypical for him that I took my breath away in fear of what had happened.

"Severus, what happened?" I gasped under the weight of his breaking body. We settled down on the couch and I moved as close to him as I could, holding his hands in mine.

"The Dark Lord... he was at Hogwarts," Severus said sluggishly, avoiding my gaze, because he didn't want to see the sheer horror on my face, the concern that showed up on every inch of my facial expressions.

"That can't be!" was the only thing that came over my lips and I pressed tightly against the warm body of Severus, who wrapped his arms protectively around me.

"How?" I asked with a dry mouth when I found my voice again.

And he told me everything. How Harry Potter and his friends had actually tried to protect the stone from Severus, defied all tasks, only to finally face not Severus, but Quirrell, who wanted the stone for his master. A master whom Severus knew only too well and who almost managed to kill the boy. But Dumbledore seemed to be in the right place at the right time. Something that the headmaster apparently had what it takes.

"Do you think he's disembodied again and can't build up anymore?" I asked quietly after we were silent for a few moments.

"No, he's weakened again. The Dark Lord managed to do what no one thought possible. It is only a matter of time before it regains its strength. He will return, and then in a power that already makes me shudder. And then he will start a new war. It's going to be bad, Catherine," said Severus, his gaze transfigured, he seemed to look far into the future and discover something cruel there. We were silent for a short while until he suddenly looked at me with a strange expression.

"Then you are in great danger. A Muggle-born woman at the side of a double spy. I didn't want it to ever come to that. I had hoped that Dumbledore was wrong and that we would never have to go through all that which is now in front of us," he said sadly. "I've often wondered why I'm doing this to you. I could well understand if you... If you..."

"If I do what? Leave you?" I ask, shaken.

He nodded and averted his gaze.

"Severus, did you think I was going to do that?" I asked, my mouth open as he nodded slowly, his gaze down on the floor. I wondered why he had such doubts after all this time? His self-loathing was as infinitely deep as an ocean and I still couldn't take it away from him, even though I tried so hard. But I would never give up.

I lovingly brushed a strand of black hair from his face and he looked at me again.

"I wouldn't be able to do that for anything in the world. I thought you knew what you meant to me by now," I said with a smile and kissed him on his pressed lips, which now relaxed and returned the kiss. He clawed his hands into my hair as if he wanted to prevent me from moving too far away from him.

"Severus, you know, I understand your doubts. After all, I loved you when we were in school and I never thought you could love me one day. But now look at us! There is nothing that can separate us. Not even Voldemort," I said, looking into his bottomless eyes, which widened in shock as I uttered the name of his former master. He shook his head vigorously.

"Please, don't call him by his name anymore. Now that he's back...", he didn't speak any further, for his deep voice suddenly became brittle. We were silent for a moment before he looked me in the eye again.

"Am I worth it that you will soon have to hide here in solitude? You have to hide so that you can stay alive and I can atone for my guilt?" he asked in a raised voice and looked at me seriously, his hands on my back and yet I felt them trembling slightly. He was afraid of the answer I could give him.

"I enjoy every second by your side and I don't want to miss a single one of them in the future, Severus. I love you. Always." My eyes get wet and I turned my face away, but he suddenly grabbed my head and fixed my gaze on his.

"What did I do to deserve you? I'm not exactly the most pleasant man, I know that."

He ran his finger gently over my slightly parted lips.

"You're very special, Severus. Even if you can't see it yourself, I see who you really are and that's exactly your way I love so much. I know you."

"I think you're the only person who has ever seen anything good in me. Except..." He faltered, his eyes narrowing into slits at the memory of her.

"Yes, Lily saw it too. We knew that all you had to do was realize how harmful your environment and dark thoughts are," I explained quietly, thinking of the fifth-year boy who knew more curses than anyone else. Who had stuck his nose deep into the books of the Restricted Section of the library.

The now grown-up Severus next to me nodded sadly and looked deep into my eyes.

"Unfortunately, this realization has taken too great a sacrifice," Severus said in a strangely frail voice, his eyes moist.

"Yes, but I think Lily would be happy if she knew that her son is protected by both of us. It's all we can give," I said, smiling at him. We gave everything we could to protect Harry Potter and prepare him for his task. And there was still an unforeseeable road ahead of us.

Severus looked at me before hugging me tightly, and I feel his tears on my cheek. I was so happy that he opened up to me and this time we fought together on one side. Against Voldemort, so that he will be destroyed once and for all.

As we pulled away from each other, his gaze slowly wandered around the room, as if he was only now becoming aware of where he was. His gaze lingered on a side table next to us with old photos on it. There were mainly pictures of Lily and James, including a wedding picture of the two with Sirius Black.

"Why did you pick out these pictures?" Severus asked in a frighteningly toneless voice and took one of them in his hand, on which Lily and James were seen with me. I bit my lower lip. It was the last memory I had of Lily, and I would let her go.

"I wanted to send them to Hagrid. He wants to create a photo album of his parents for Harry and has written to all their old friends. He deserves the pictures more than I do. I just have them hidden in a box because it's too painful to look at. But I wanted to move away from the pictures beforehand so that the boy wouldn't ask any questions about me. I know that as Harry's godmother, I'm a perfect victim for the Dark Lord if I have a relationship with Harry."

Severus stared at the photo in silence before clearing his throat.

"I often have the feeling that all this is not enough. And especially when I'm with you, I become aware of it more and more often. What I have with you, she had with Potter and instead of Lily being able to enjoy her happiness with him, she had to die. Because of me," he said and his breathing became heavier, he swallowed and I saw him close his eyes briefly to squeeze back his tears. Gently, I ran my hand over his cheek, which was firm because he was clenching his jaws.

"You know you didn't hand Lily over to him on purpose, Severus," I said in a soft voice, but he shook his head abruptly so that my hand was thrown off him.

"I told the Dark Lord the prophecy. I'm responsible for her being dead. I set him on her. I'm indebted to Lilly. Always," he said, his voice angry, self-hatred blazing inside him, his body tensed and began to tremble. I knew that he was approaching a panic attack, I knew that from the hospital from some patients who learned, for example, that the fur on their face would grow permanently after a failed hair tonic.

"Severus, please try to breathe calmly, try to relax a bit. The Dark Lord is not strong yet, we still have enough time ahead of us to prepare," I said reassuringly, my voice slow and deep, and I stroked his trembling back reassuringly. He followed my movements without resistance, as he was trapped in his head.

"No, you don't understand! You are not the one who left them to die. It was me and I ask myself every day when I look in the mirror how I can still live with it, how you can love me at all. I am... a monster, Catherine. I am not worthy of your love and all that you sacrifice. It is such an immense burden for me that sometimes I can hardly stand it. And then I see this boy who looks like Potter and looks at me with those reproachful eyes of Lily. It's... I ...", he put his hands in front of his face, sat bent and trembling next to me. I ran one hand over his back in slow circles.

"Severus, I understand what you're feeling. It's a situation that hardly anyone has had to go through. It is certainly normal for you to feel and think this way. But you must not forget that you were just as young. You have made mistakes that weigh heavily, but you have acknowledged them and are now trying to make amends by all means. You're not a monster. A monster wouldn't do anything to protect and train Harry Potter. A monster feels no remorse, no compassion, and certainly no guilt. If anyone can be described like that at all, it's the Dark Lord himself," I said calmly, but Severus twitched in shock at the thought of his former master, he bobbed back and forth slightly.

"But why? Why did I let it come to this? I could have kept my mouth shut. I actually wanted to get out earlier. I was-" His words were drowned out in a slight sob, he seemed like a beaten animal. Gently, I continued to run over his back.

"Broken," I added. "You have suffered so much in your life, Severus." I saw his eyes take on a glassy expression again before he spoke in a toneless voice that signaled to me that he was about to explode.

"It started with my parents. My father also loathed me for who I was. My mother... she was so weak to a simple Muggle and she saw me as a burden. A burden that tied her to this man because her pure-blood family had rejected her." Severus said in a monotonous voice from which all emotions were excluded, although this memory was clearly distressing and deeply formative. I swallowed at the thought of the wounds that all this had inflicted on his soul.

"It was never your fault. You were still a kid who didn't deserve all this hatred and dislike," I whispered.

"But that's no excuse for what I did to Lily. Damn!" cried Severus, his hands clenched into fists, I saw him digging his nails deep into his inner surfaces.

"Severus, please. There's no point in condemning your past choices!"

"But don't they also show the future? Don't actions make a wizard? In any case, that's what Dumbledore thinks. He told me at the time that it is not the possibilities that are decisive, but the decisions. And mine were wrong. They couldn't be more wrong. They were decisions made by a monster."

"Severus, I could never love a monster. But I love you. You have always been worth more to me than any other human being! Even when we moved away from each other. I knew you weren't. I knew you were a different person than who you pretended to be. There has always been so much more in you! And you, too, are a victim! A victim of the decisions of others and their disgusting deeds. You didn't choose that your father abhorred everything magical, that your mother was not up to it all. She taught you dark magic and he showed you the worst side of Muggles who are overwhelmed by the fact of magical abilities. You've come to Slytherin for your ambition to prove to others that you're not the scum your father saw in you. To show your mother that you are highly talented, more than she could imagine, to show them that you are worthy of loving you. And you have experienced rejection from other students who were afraid of your knowledge. James and Sirius... they were afraid of your talent, your indescribable abilities. And Lily... She grew up very differently. She couldn't understand why you had to prove yourself like that. Why you wanted to do everything in your power to impress others. And your love didn't understand them properly either. She didn't see how serious you were about her. But you were too shy to tell her how much you love her because of all the rejection. And I? I was just as afraid of being rejected, of being excluded again. I was weak and dumped you. Something I will never forgive myself. All of this has given you the seduction of other Slytherins like Avery, Mulciber, Rosier, and Malfoy, who had access to power and prestige through their access. Everything you wanted, served in a gold bowl to those who would follow Voldemort. How could you refuse? And when you understand what your decision really means... Death and ruin for those you love, you have had the courage to surrender yourself to Dumbledore. For the protection of the woman you loved. You put your life on the line. There is nothing braver than protecting others with your own life. And that's exactly what you've been doing since that day. And you're protecting so many people you don't even know. All Muggle-born witches and wizards and their families, their friends. You sacrifice a normal life for this and maybe you will meet death in the process. You want to spy on Voldemort to defeat him for good. Who would take all this upon themselves? I don't know anyone who would be up to the risk!" I said in a passionate tone, my eyes sparkling with love at my words.

Severus, however, was silent and I saw some blood running out of his hands. He had buried his fingernails so deep in his hands to hurt himself that the external wounds would take away the internal pain. I bit my lower lip painfully.

"Severus, I know you've been struggling with yourself all your life and don't believe in yourself. But I believe in you. And I love you more than anything. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure we're safe. Not for myself, but so that I can live for you. Because I know that if I lose you, I'm lost too. Definitively."

I took his hands and carefully unfolded his fists. Severus closed his eyes with a groan, his head racing under my many words. He had his fingernails painfully pressed into his flesh so that there were deep wounds on his palms. I sighed, because I couldn't bear his suffering, and I wished so badly that I could take it away from him somehow. But I knew that only the destruction of Voldemort could create.

He suddenly leaned back in the couch and I saw his body drop the tension, his breathing slowly calming down while we were silent for a few minutes. It was the sign for me to reach for my bandages, which I was now storing under the couch. Carefully, I put some dittany on his external wounds.

Severus slowly opened his eyelids and looked at me deeply.

"Thank you. I've never heard all of this in such detail from another person's point of view," Severus said in a deep and soft voice. He blinked away a tear for a moment, suppressing the pain as he was used to. "But you're completely wrong about one thing. I have loved Lily more and more like a sister. Even if I only understood it through you. Until then, she was the only one I had confided in. She was the first person who liked me and didn't push me away right away. She talked to me, laughed with me and overlooked my origins. But she couldn't grasp it, she never understood me. But you. You've always understood me. And I am eternally grateful that you are in my life. That you showed up as a teacher at Hogwarts, after all these years... it's been almost a miracle for me. How you stood in front of me in the staff room without notice."

"Well, I guess we have Dumbledore to thank for that. And sometimes I can't shake the feeling that it was his plan," I said, thinking back to that day when we were both taken by surprise. Neither he nor I knew that we would see each other again that day after years.

"Maybe. But could he expect us to find ourselves in this way? That we love each other so much? I remember you turning away in shock at me that night of your arrival. I thought I had lost you for good. And then to see you every day, for weeks... I had to tell you that I didn't serve under Voldemort to the end, that I understood my mistakes. And a little spark in me had the hope that you could forgive me. But I would never have guessed that you would actually love me as much as I love you," he said softly, seeking my gaze.

"I've had this for so long, haven't I?" I lovingly ran my hand over his hair and smiled softly at him.

"That smile of yours... I miss it every day at Hogwarts. At meals, in the corridors, when we met fleetingly. I hate every minute without you," he said, running a hand over my face to trace the lines my smile formed. "I wish I could stay with you right away. But I'm going to receive the house trophy for Slytherin at the farewell party in a few days."

"Well deserved, I suppose," I said teasingly. My smile widened, it was something that would cheer Severus up at least a little, and he could get recognition as the head of the house of the snakes.

"Absolutely. Potter's night walks will drop Gryffindor's score into the abyss. He will then no longer be able to profit from his unfounded fame. Maybe he will at least learn so that he can become a worthy opponent for the Dark Lord and he can march through the corridors of Hogwarts with broad shoulders again. With good performances, I would loathe him less and I could forgive him for not seeing your smile so much," he said with a wry grin.

/In the next few chapters we will work through the material from the book a little, of course from Severus' critical point of view, before Catherine will go more of her own way from about book 3 onwards. There are some well-known situations and places like Diagon Alley.

How does Severus find this? Well, maybe you have your own idea about it./