"MR Weasley what in the world has happened to you?" The Matron exclaimed as Ronald Weasley came running into the hospital wing slamming the doors behind him.
"Help me please. Its everywhere. I can't sleep because it follows me. It wants me. I know it wants me. Its told me it wants me. She told me it wants me. Please you've got to help me.I haven't slept for three days!"
"Mr Weasley what wants you? Wand why in the name of Merlin would anything want you?" The matron said grumpily. It was two in the morning and she had actually managed to get some sleep as no first years had made an unfortunate experiment with an engorgio or some other calamity had occurred.
"You see three days ago i accidentally spilled butterbeer on hermione's favorite book. I didn't think anything about it but some of the pages got messed up when i tried to clean it off. And she was getting ready to make a cucumber salad in the dorm as a snack when she took and cursed the cucumber. Ever since then its been chasing me. It wants to mate with me." Ron's voice was quick and heavy with his panting fear. Sliding into a deep shame as he finished his explanation.
The matron's hand went to her mouth briefly before she solemnly shook her head. You damaged one of Hermione Granger's books? Did you at least try to apologize?"
"Kinda sorta. Maybe. I was a little bit tipsy. Plus Harry said she was having her time of the month and I may have made a joke about that."
The matron sighed as she realized that there was nothing she could do for him. He was a dead man walking. She turned and got into a cabinet handing him a tube marked personal lubricant. "I'm sorry young man. There is nothing I can do. You'll just have to face your punishment and pray she has calmed down by now."
A gurgling, grunting noise from outside of the doors before they began to thud as something wanted in broke through them. The matron looked from Ron to the door in fear then retreated hastily to her office. Bolting the doors she heard a growling sound from the other room before Ron's screams began...
The matron cowered in terror behind her office doors. Praying to Merlin, the Old gods, the New Gods the cat in the corner until the screaming settled into low moans and groans. Finally silence fell upon the chamber and she dared to open the door.
She saw Ron Weasley laying in a pool of Cucumber juice and his own blood. His face was a frozen rictus of pain, pleasure and a few other emotions the matron was not certain of, even in her long career she had never encountered this.
Assuring herself the young man was still alive she levitated him to a bed after cleaning him up. She poked the cucumber with her wand but it seemed to have returned to being a normal vegetable after serving its purpose.
Calling for a house elf to dispose of it she shivered as she thought how lucky the young man had been. If he had really damaged the book who knows what Miss Granger might have done. Who knows he might have found himself in a real pickle.
