Syth called as they were driving home, making sure everything was okay.

"Oh yeah, sorry I forgot to send you a message. He's fine." She turned to Kyler to see if he reacted at all, but he was staring resolutely out the window and didn't seem to have even heard her at all.

"That's good to know."

"Yeah. I think we're just going to go home though."

"Don't worry about it Brittany. They decided not to hire a new Jazz exec."

"Really?" Brittany asked, shocked. "But Sy that's going to be double the work for you."

"You could always help out."

"No" Brittany sighed. "I already told you, I have no desire to take your job. Why don't they just hire someone else?"

"You know you're by far the most qualified for the position."

Again, Brittany glanced at Kyler.

"Can we not talk about this now?"

"Of course. Sorry. I just thought you should know the decision."

"Thanks"

"Say hi to Ky for me, tell him I hope he feels better."

"You're actually on speaker so he can hear you."

"Oh. Hey Ky Lopierce! I've missed you round the studio man."

Kyler didn't even flinch. It was like Syth hadn't even spoken at all.

"Sorry" Brittany breathed, wondering what on earth could be so wrong in Kyler's world that he behaved like that. "I'll talk to you later okay?"

"Don't sweat it Britt, I'll see you tomorrow."

When they got home, Brittany knew that it was important to keep Kyler from hiding out in his room if she was ever going to find out what was wrong with him. Before she'd even finished parking the car in their driveway, she asked him to get her sweatpants from her room. When he came down with them, she'd put on finding nemo, one of his favourite movies and was cuddled under a blanket.

He stared at the tv, like he was torn between watching and going upstairs, wringing his hands.

"Sit down bud."

He let out a breath, but obeyed, jumping down onto the couch.

Twenty minutes into the movie, Brittany sent him back up for her nail polish.

"Which colour?"

"You choose."

He came back down with a dark blue one. Brittany smiled.

"Thanks."

She flung off her blanket and brought her foot up onto the couch. She'd removed the nail polish on her toes a few days ago, but hadn't had time to redo them yet. She'd also just bought this blue, and had been really unsure about it. So this was a good chance to try it out. She had plenty of time to change it if she didn't like it.

"How do you think they got the fish to do what they wanted?"

Kyler turned to frown at her.

"Mama it's a cartoon."

"So?"

"So it's not real." He smiled, and it was like a ray of hope to Brittany.

"I know it's not real, but they had to make the movie somehow right?" She saw the confusion in his eyes. The realisation that she was right.

"But they can't take cameras into the water, they'd get spoiled."

"Sure they can" Brittany shrugged. She blew on her toes. "There are waterproof cameras, like the ones they use for documentaries about the ocean."

Brittany put her foot down and lifted the other foot, reopening the nail polish bottle.

Kyler had sat up now, and was watching the tv with amazement.

"But there are sharks!"

"There are sharks in documentaries too" Brittany said sagely.

Kyler turned to her with wide eyes, shifting closer to her. She giggled.

"Imagine being the camera man" he said excitedly, giggling as well. "And you have to swim up to three sharks. And then they start attacking."

"They only attack if there's blood remember?"

He nodded and turned back to the tv. For the rest of the movie, they laughed about how crazy it would be to be the camera man in different scenes. Kyler was especially amazed when it came to the jelly fish and shark attack/bomb explosion scenes.

"Wait" he laughed at one point, pointing at the tv. "What about this!" He jumped off the couch and turned to Brittany. "It's completely dark, and then there's a creepy….what is that is it a fish?"

Brittany took way longer than necessary to finish her nails, but it was worth it to see Kyler pulled out of his sulking. When she finished her pinkie toe, she lifted both legs into the air and kicked them around, trying to dry them.

"Mamaaaa" Kyler giggled. He pushed her feet down till they touched the ground.

"What? They need to dry."

He shook his head. "Just put them out like this" he put his feet apart on the floor, toes separated. "And wait."

"Fine" Brittany pretended to sigh. "Hey" she called after a few minutes. "Do you want me to do yours?"

Kyler frowned.

"Nail polish is for girls"

"Who said?"

"That's the rules."

Now Brittany frowned. "What about long hair. Do you think that's for girls?"

Kyler considered her. "No. Boys can have long hair too."

"A lot of people think long hair is for girls. They think boys shouldn't know how to do hair, plait braids and stuff. Do you think they're right?"

"No"

"Then why do you think they're right about nail polish."

He looked down at the bottle, which was on the couch beside Brittany, then down at Brittany's toes, then down at his own.

"Okay" he said, and pulled his leg onto the couch. "But only one toe."

"Edgy, I like it."

Brittany pulled his leg onto her lap and shook the bottle. He watched her intently as she applied the first coat on his toe ring finger. When she was done, she fanned her hand over it to dry.

"I like it" she told him.

"Me too."

He had a soft smile on his face, the kind when you're just content in the moment. Brittany decided to risk it.

"Honey" she said gently. Kyler looked away from his toe to look at her. "What's wrong?"

Kyler's face fell quickly. He pulled his leg back, setting it on the couch and hugging his knee.

"Please tell me baby. I want to help you."

He shook his head. "You can't help with this."

"I'm your mama. I can help with anything."

Kyler was silent for so long Brittany thought he wasn't going to tell her. She reached out for his leg, accepting that this might take a little more than just putting him in the right mood.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

"I need to put the second coat."

"Why does it need two coats?"

"So it looks good, and stays on for longer."

"Oh." He nodded and let her put his foot back on her lap.

She'd just done one stroke when he took a deep breath. She looked up and saw his eyes were watery.

"Mami doesn't love me anymore."

Brittany's entire body snapped up.

"What?"

"Mami doesn't love me anymore." He said it in a low, emotionless but somehow deeply sad voice.

"Kyler why on earth would you say that? Of course she loves you."

He shook his head solemnly, not even bothering to argue. Brittany closed the polish bottle and lifted Kyler's head with a finger under his chin.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because…." He took a deep breath. "If I tell you you'll hate me too."

"Kyler" Brittany cried, feeling tears in the back of her eyes. "It is not possible for anything you do or say or think or feel to ever, ever" she emphasized, "make me or mami stop loving you."

"But I did something really bad. Jesus told me-"

"What?" Brittany was nearing hysterics now. She couldn't stand the thought that Kyler, and now apparently Jesus, believed that there was anything they could do to get her to hate them, and it broke her to think of what Santana would think. "What did you do, tell me."

Kyler shook his head, finally letting the tears fall.

"I don't want you to hate me too."

Brittany cupped his face in both hands, wiping his tears.

"Kyler you have to tell me what happened, and you have to tell me now. Okay?" He looked at her with nothing but fear in his eyes. "I'm not kidding around Kyler. What do you think you did?"

"I…" Kyler sniffed, trying to get away from Brittany, but she held firm, looking into his eyes. "I told mami I didn't love her." Brittany frowned. "I…I didn't say it like….like 'I don't love you mami' but Jesus said-"

"What did you say? I don't want to hear about Jesus."

Kyler swallowed back some of his tears and took a calming breath.

"I told mami that I told Jesus yesterday that we don't know who our birth mum is."

Brittany sat back, pieces of this crazy puzzle all falling into place. Jesus' conclusion that Kyler didn't love them, Kyler's panic and subsequent fear of telling Brittany, and the fact that neither Sophia nor Jesus told the teacher what was wrong with Kyler.

"See!" Kyler cried, standing up. Brittany realised that she'd let her hands drop from his face. "That's w-what happened with mami too, you…you don't l-love m-me now either!"

Brittany jumped up, grabbing Kyler as he tried to run up the stairs and pulling him into a hug. He sobbed into her chest, wrapping his arms around her waist tighter than Brittany thought he ever had. Tears fell from her eyes.

"Kyler I love you. I love you so, so much, and so does mami." She felt him shake his head into her stomach. "Listen to me. You being curious about your birth mum doesn't mean that you don't love me or your mami. I don't think that, and neither does mami."

"But Jesus said-"

"Jesus is wrong. He's very wrong."

Kyler pulled away from Brittany, wiping his nose with his shirt.

"Then why didn't mami come pick me up from school? They always call her, cause she stopped working so much to stay home with us. She's always the one that comes when we're sick or school ends early. Why didn't she come?"

"Her phone was off honey, she was in a-"

"It's because she doesn't care anymore. If it was Jesus she would have come."

He didn't let Brittany get him this time. He jumped quickly away from her, climbed the couch so he didn't have to try get around her, and ran upstairs. Brittany heard the door to his room slam.

She dropped onto the couch, clutching her head with both hands. Whatever she'd been expecting to be wrong with her son, she hadn't even considered it would be this serious. She and Santana had talked a lot about the topic of their kids' birth parents, when to tell the kids about them and how much to say, but in all their conversations it had been agreed that they would wait for them to be ready. For them to ask questions. Kyler had never expressed any interest in or curiosity about his birth parents. After they had explained to them about adoption and told them they were from Brazil, he seemed to move on from the topic. So this emotional crisis really was coming out of nowhere, and Brittany didn't blame Santana for not knowing how to handle it. She could just picture Santana's mind going blank, and in her attempt to not seem thrown off, remaining silent. She doubted very much that Kyler was in the state of hysteria he currently was in when Santana dropped him off, or even when they were having this conversation to begin with.

When her mind had stopped spinning and she once again felt like she could think, she got her phone from her bag and called Santana. Two tries later, the call was answered.

"Hi mama"

Brittany fought back an irritated sigh.

"Hey" she forced a smile, knowing it could be heard through the phone. "How are you bud?"

"Good" Jesus said. In the background Brittany could hear Santana's raised voice.

'Just once, can you come home without a bump, bruise, scrape or cut?'

'That's what I said'

Brittany heard Sophia's voice louder than Santana's.

'Mami's not going to let you sit there Jesus'

"I'm talking to mama"

"Oh. Hi mama"

"Hi Soph. So mami's picking you guys from school huh?"

"Yeah, since Ky's not here there's no reason to stay in school."

"That's true."

'Get in the car Mateo.'

'But I haven't finished playing yeeeet.'

'It's time to go home amor, listen' Santana raised her voice over Mateo's shouts of 'NO'. He quieted. 'You throwing a tantrum is not going to help you change my mind. Would you like to tell me properly what the problem is?'

"Jesus, when mami finishes please tell her to call me back."

"Okay mama."

"Tell her it's an emergency."

"Okay mama" Sophia answered.

"Thanks loves. See you later."

With nothing to do but wait, the knot of anxiety in Brittany's stomach tightened. Right now the only thing that could help Kyler was talking to Santana herself, and Santana was at least thirty minutes out. Brittany was driving herself mad imagining Kyler crying alone in his bed, soaking is pillow. He currently believed that his mother didn't love him, and whether he had believed her when she said she loved him Brittany wasn't sure, so it felt wrong to leave him alone up there. It felt like she'd be proving him right.

Ignoring the fears gnawing at her, telling her to wait for Santana, Brittany climbed the stairs, trying desperately to think of what to say. She stood outside Kyler and Jesus' room, wracking her brain for what she should do. Talking to him hadn't worked, telling him more than once that nothing could make them stop loving him hadn't worked, what else could she possibly do?

Then it hit her. Granted, it had been a few years since she'd had to deal with an emotionally stubborn person. Santana had come a long way in expressing herself so Brittany wagered it had been about 8 years since she'd had to worry about what was bothering her or how to help. She still should have thought about it though, because as much as they joked about the twins being a lot like Santana, it had only gotten more true with age. Brittany had stopped questioning it. Among their inherited traits, was her early years' aversion to emotional vulnerability. For Kyler at least. It had never been to this level, but he was always more reserved with his feelings.

Brittany took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

Kyler was curled under his duvet so she couldn't see him, but she could hear him sniffling. Her heart broke.

Slowly, Brittany walked to his bed. She watched him for a while, noting how small he looked curled up like that. He was still just her little boy, even if he was ten years old. Making her mind up, she pulled back his covers and slid into his bed. Almost instantly, Kyler turned to her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his head in her side. Brittany let out a sad, slow exhale. His reaction confirmed that she'd done the right thing in coming up. Even though he pretended to want to be alone, she was his mum, and he needed her.

Kyler fell asleep crying into Brittany. She hadn't said a word, and neither had he, but even though his sadness made her whole body ache as she felt her shirt getting wetter and wetter, she was glad she was there.


There was no way of knowing how much time had passed, but Brittany guessed it was bout forty minutes when she heard Santana and the kids walking into the house. She lay still for a while, but as she'd thought earlier, the only one who could help Kyler now was Santana, and Santana didn't even know anything was wrong.

Careful not to wake him, Brittany climbed out of the bed and slipped out of the room.

Her family felt more chaotic than normal as she descended the stairs. Maybe it was because she had been lying in silence for an unknown amount of time, or the fact that something very serious was causing her son panic attacks, but the noise that met her in the foyer was grating her ears. She put on a smile though, and hugged Jesus and Sophia, kissing their heads.

"Mama there's an art trip to the museum on Saturday, can I go?"

"Sure honey, we'll have to call Jessie but you know that."

Sophia grinned, hugging Brittany tightly.

"Thank you! Thank you!" she squealed.

"You're welcome hun, where's mami?"

Sophia pointed behind her to the door.

"Jesus!"

"Whaaat" Jesus groaned, stopping halfway up the stairs to frown at Sophia.

"Take off your shoes."

Jesus rolled his eyes and kept walking.

"Jesus take off your shoes!"

"Stop telling me what to do Mrs goodie two shoes."

"Its gross when you bring in dirt from outside and I end up stepping on it. Just take them off"

Sophia followed Jesus up the stairs, continuing to complain. Jesus was ignoring her.

"Jesus" Brittany called. He stopped and turned around looking sour.

"Now look what you've done." He mumbled to Sophia, throwing her a dirty look. Sophia crossed her arms smugly over her chest and walked off to her room.

"I was just doing it no annoy her mama. I'll clean the carpet if you want."

Brittany shook her head.

"No bud" she stepped forward. "I was just…are you going to your room?"

"Yeah"

"Ky is sleeping in there."

"Oh" Jesus shrugged. "I'll be quiet then."

"No" Brittany took another step forward, her foot resting on the first stair. "I think you better just leave him alone bud. He's had a long day, and I want him to rest.

"But-"

"Jesus" Brittany said in her 'mum voice' which allowed no argument. "Listen to me please? Leave your brother alone. You can put your bag in the dining room."

Sulking, Jesus came back down the stairs and stomped to the dining room.

Brittany took a deep breath and turned to the door just as it opened. Santana had Mateo by the arm, practically dragging him as he kicked his legs and tried to dig in his heels.

"What is going on?"

"Mr over here doesn't want to be home. He wants to be in school."

Santana let go of Mateo's arm. He fell to the floor and let out a loud scream. Santana turned to Brittany, unamused.

"He's been crying the whole way here."

With a glance at Mateo, Brittany took Santana's hand and led her up the stairs. Where-as she had lots of patience for Jesus' tantrums when he was younger, she did not for Mateo's. His was a bad behavior that he did on purpose, Jesus' were out of his control. Mateo actually threw less tantrums with her than with Santana, because she didn't indulge him. She never tried to talk him down or get him to stop, which Santana always did. She'd come to understand that the more attention she gave him, the more worked up he got. At most she sat or stood and watched him to make sure he didn't hurt himself, silent until he stopped. Today though, and particularly right now, Brittany had even less patience for it.

"Britt?" Santana asked. "What's wrong?"

"You didn't call me back"

"What? Wait yes I did, you told me you were fine and you'd take him home."

"No I called like….an hour ago or something, and told Jesus to tell you to call me back."

Santana frowned. "I guess he forgot." They stopped outside Kyler's room. "Why? What's wrong, is he okay?"

Brittany shook her head.

"He told me about what happened this morning."

Santana nodded. "Okay, so what happened?"

"He told you he's curious about his birth mum."

"Oooh" Santana breathed, nodding again. "Yeah I wanted to talk to you about that tonight when you got home. I didn't even know what to say Brittany, this isn't supposed to be happening now."

"Yeah I know" Brittany took Santana's hand, rubbing up to her shoulder. "Well that's what he's upset about."

Santana frowned in confusion before her eyes hardened.

"Don't tell me those stupid kids said something else about it. I swear to god-"

"No" Brittany shook her head. "No, it's literally what happened with you this morning."

"But why?" Santana raised her hands in question. "It was just a conversation about how stupid the kids on his swim team are."

It was Brittany's turn to be confused now.

"Wait. Tell me what happened."

"I was making breakfast, and I asked Jesus if he was going to join the swim team, and he said no way, because the kids on the team are idiots. I asked him why, and he says how one of them told them, yesterday I think, that I know them better than you because I gave birth to them. So I say yeah, that's stupid, cause I mean, even if I had given birth to them I wouldn't know them better than you." Santana rolled her yes. Brittany nodded.

"Then what happened?"

"Then Jesus tells Kyler he doesn't know why he cares when even I say it's stupid. Kyler got really defensive after that. He yelled 'I don't care!' So I asked what they meant, and he told me that he'd told Jesus, after this conversation with the boy on the swim team, that they didn't know who gave birth to them." Santana shrugged. "That was it. Then I went back to cooking breakfast." She frowned, tilting her head to the side. "Actually a few minutes later I heard them fighting in the living room. I had to pull them off each other. I don't know what it was about though, but they both seemed fine. Mad at each other sure, neither of them really talked the whole way to school, but I thought it was just another one of their fights."

Brittany sighed heavily, rubbing her hand over her forehead.

"Brittany, what's wrong with him?"

Brittany didn't want to look at Santana, but she couldn't avoid it with Santana searching for eye contact.

"He thinks…." Brittany swallowed. "He thinks you don't love him anymore."

Santana stared blankly at Brittany.

"Wh…."

She was at a complete loss for words.

"Apparently Jesus told him that even just thinking about their birth mother meant he didn't love us, and so he decided that if he told you he didn't love you anymore, then you didn't love him anymore either."

Santana's face was contorted in utter confusion. She shook her head, her brows heavily furrowed, nose scrunched up and mouth poised to ask "WHAT" but she never spoke.

"I know" Brittany spoke. "I don't….I tried to tell him Jesus was wrong, but he thinks…" Brittany paused looking pained. "He thinks you didn't go pick him up from school after his panic attack because you hate him."

"Ah" Santana's mouth dropped open as she let out a small squeak of disbelief. She turned away from Brittany, clutching her head in her hands and shaking it slowly. "This is my fault."

"Honey…."

"I didn't say anything when he told me. I was so shocked….I wanted us to talk about it together. He wasn't like this Brittany!" She tried desperately to convince her. "He wasn't crying. He wasn't even upset. I didn't think…" Santana pressed her hands to her eyes, forcing herself not to cry. "I didn't think he was stressed about it. I thought it was a thought he had."

"It's not your fault baby. I did the same thing."

Santana dropped her hands to look at her.

"When he told me, I just went silent. I hadn't been expecting it and all I could think about was how we were supposed to be dealing with this together, when they were much older and could actually handle it." Santana nodded. "I guess I paused too long cause he got even more worked up, saying he shouldn't have told me because now I hated him too."

"How can he think that?" Santana asked solemnly. "How can he think that we could hate him Brittany? Did we do something wrong somewhere to give him that anxiety?"

Brittany shook her head.

"I think we just haven't talked enough about adoption. Maybe there's something he doesn't understand. If he's been wondering about his birth mother since we told them they were adopted and hasn't said anything about it then he clearly thinks it's wrong. Maybe we made him think it was either her or us."

"Jesus clearly seems to think so." Santana scoffed. She looked at the door once again.

"He's sleeping."

Santana sighed heavily.

"I can't believe he spent the whole day thinking his mother doesn't love him." Again she had to fight back tears. She had spent the entire ten years she had been a mother fighting to make sure she was nothing like her own. Being there for her kids as much as she could, showering them with love, attention and support. She'd given up her dream so that she could be the best mother she could, and somehow here she was. Her son had a panic attack at school because he was so convinced that she hated him that she couldn't breathe. She had failed, and the worst part was that she didn't even know how.

"You should go in" Brittany encouraged her. "I tried to talk to him, but I think he needs to hear it from you."

Santana nodded, pulled Brittany into a tight hug and kissed her cheek.

"He's gonna be okay." She promised, and she meant it. Somewhere along the way she had allowed her kids to think that her love was conditional or finite. She would set that straight today.

Kyler was still sleeping when she went into the room. She knelt by his bed and stroked her fingers over his face.

"Ky" she whispered. His eyes fluttered. "Ky amor…wake up."

He woke up slowly, raising his eyes to meet hers.

"Mami?"

"Scooch over"

He moved closer to the wall, making space for her to climb into the bed. He was avoiding her eyes.

When she was settled, she took a moment to think of what to say. She could hear his hard breathing, and knew from experience the kind of anxiety he was feeling.

"When you were born" she said quietly, "your whole foot could fit in my hand." She smiled at the memory and held her hand out for him to see just how small that was. "It was so tiny that when I held it, it only reached here." She ran her finger from just above her wrist to the crease that ran along the centre of her palm, tapping it three times. Kyler was staring at her hand. "I loved your little feet so much" she chuckled. "I loved how small your little tiny toes were, and how soft the under-side of your feet were, and how much you would giggle when I blew on them." She turned to look at him, and this time he didn't turn away. "On the day you were born, I held you for hours. Me and your mama held you for hours into the night, even though I had to go to work the next day. I didn't care. You were so, so tiny. Tinier than babies are supposed to be."

"Really?"

Santana nodded.

"Because you were born too early. I remember when the doctor showed us where you were sleeping. The first time I saw you, you were in these glass cribs, and you had some tubes that were supposed to help you get all the vitamins and stuff that you needed to grow bigger. You had your legs and hands pulled tight to your stomach and chest, and I fell in love with you." Santana turned to face him a little more. "You're my baby boy Ky. Even though you're a big boy now, and one day you'll be a grown man and have your own babies, you will always be my precious baby boy with tiny feet that I could fit in half my palm." Kyler looked up at her, his eyes slowly filling with tears. "I didn't give birth to you, but I'm your mum. From the second I saw you Kyler, I have been your mum. It doesn't matter if you stopped loving me, or told me you hated me. Nothing, nothing" she repeated, as a tear rolled down Kyler's cheek. "Could ever make me stop loving you."

"Even if I was a bad son?"

"Even if you were the worst son in the history of sons. Okay?"

Kyler nodded.

"I mean I still love Niki, and we all know he's not exactly the best son." Kyler giggled and Santana's heart stopped squeezing so hard in her chest.

"That's true"

Santana smiled.

"Do you believe me?"

Kyler moved closer, resting his head on her shoulder.

"Yeah. I think I always knew. But Jesus told me that if I thought about our…" he broke off.

"Your birth mum Ky, you can call her that. That's what she is."

"Our birth mum" he said quietly. "If I thought about her, then it meant I wanted her to be my mum, and I didn't love you. I think….I felt so bad for thinking about her that I felt like you should hate me. And then I just kept thinking about it and thinking about it and couldn't stop, even though I knew it wasn't true, it's like I didn't know that anymore."

Santana understood. She was the worst culprit of exactly what he was talking about. Getting yourself worked up so much that you can't even remember what's real or not. Your brain somehow convincing itself that your fears and insecurities were manifesting, even when no such thing was happening. She'd been there.

"I know my love." If her son was also cursed with her unreasonable anxiety and insecurities, then at least she was the best placed to help him navigate it. "If it ever happens again, I want you to remember the story I told you, about the day you were born. If you ever feel like you doubt how much I or mama love you, picture us walking through a hospital, and seeing you as a tiny baby in a crib. Picture us sitting at the hospital for hours and hours, holding you and refusing to put you down because we loved you so much."

He nodded.

"So…it's not bad for me to think about our birth mum?"

"No."

"But Jesus said-"

"Papi…I know your brother has an amazing memory that makes it seem like he knows everything, but he doesn't. He's only ten, just like you. He only knows a lot because he doesn't forget things that he's been told before. Who would have told him that?"

Kyler shrugged, looking down at his duvet.

"No one. You two are twins, and yes, you are more connected than regular siblings, but you are still- what do mama and I always tell you?"

"I'm my own person."

"Exactly. You are two different people. You're the only one who knows what you feel right? You're the only one who knows what it means when you think about your birth mum."

Kyler nodded. "I didn't mean it like he thinks. I don't wish she was my mum or wish she was here. I just wonder."

"Do you want to tell me what you think about when you think of her?"

Kyler was silent for a long time.

"I promise it's okay my love. I just want to help you."

Kyler thought back to his earlier conversation with his mama, and how she had said that she was his mum and could fix anything. He took a deep breath.

"I just think about like, where she lives, like does she like it there? Or if she would like football. I know people in Brazil don't watch football, but if she did know what it was, would she like it?" Santana nodded, encouraging him to continue. "I just think about things like that. Like if she likes any weird foods or if she's a super spy."

"A super spy?" Santana laughed.

"Yeah" Kyler giggled.

Santana had to admit she was at least glad that he was not thinking about what kind of mother his biological mum would be. He was curious about her as a human being, just like he'd said, not as his mum.

"Those are completely normal questions to have amor."

"Did you know her?"

Santana sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, then turned and placed a kiss on his head, leaving her lips against him.

"Why don't you, me and mama talk later?"

"Okay" He sounded slightly disappointed but Santana knew it would be better to let him recover from his emotional day before they went even deeper into it. She also needed to talk to Brittany so they could decide what their plan was.

They spent another ten minutes cuddling in silence before Santana sat up.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yeah. Thank you mami."

Santana nodded, kissing his head again.

"Oh!" Kyler sat up and shoved the covers off them both. Santana frowned curiously. When they were below his knees he lifted his foot from under them and placed it on Santana's thigh. "Look!"

Santana grinned at the blue nail, running her finger over it. It was smudged slightly, and she knew she'd have to do it again, but it looked strangely good on him.

"Wow" she laughed.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it!"

Kyler nodded proudly. "Nail polish looks better on me than you."

Pretending to be offended, Santana scoffed. As Kyler giggled at his joke, she pulled his leg closer to her.

"Oh yeah"

Before he could stop her, he began tickling his foot. He shrieked trying to get free. When he realised he couldn't, he tried to kick her hand off with her other foot. She seized that one and tickled it too.

"Mami! Stop!"

Santana let him go when she hadn't heard him take in a breath for a while. He gasped for air, tears falling down the side of his face as he scrambled to get away from her. Santana smirked and stood up.

"Don't mess with mami" He giggled.

"That's right" She nodded proudly. Then more seriously she asked, "are you coming down or do you want to stay up here?"

"I'm coming down with you."

"Okay love. Let me go change then we can head down." When he nodded she walked towards the door. "Ugh, I left Niki throwing a tantrum downstairs."

Kyler shook his head.

"My friend said his mum beats them when they're naughty. Like with a slipper." He said.

Santana raised an interested eyebrow. Her parents hadn't ever disciplined her by beating her, but some of her cousins were occasionally, and her abuela definitely wasn't against it. So the idea wasn't new or shocking to her.

"Maybe you should beat Niki."

Santana laughed.

"I'll keep that in mind."


Santana had her head against the wall as the water cascaded down her back. She couldn't remember having a longer day than this one, despite knowing her day hadn't actually been that long. It was just the conversation she'd had with Kyler that was making her whole body feel heavy. She really was not prepared for this, so right now what she was doing was hiding. They'd finished dinner and the kids were all downstairs watching tv. Now was the time to have the conversation they needed to with Jesus and Kyler, about their birth mother and father and any other questions they may or may not have, as she suspected would be the case with Jesus. If they did it now, then they could talk for two hours without going too far past the kids' bedtime.

But Santana was hiding.

Brittany poked her head into the bathroom, letting in a cold draft that rose Goosebumps all over Santana's body.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…."

Brittany walked fully into the bathroom and shut the door. "I have to be right?"

"Not right now."

Santana raised her head and looked at Brittany.

"Why does this have to be happening now?"

Brittany shrugged, positioning herself in front of the sink and leaning against it.

"We knew it would happen one day right?"

Santana sighed and turned her head back to the stream of water. Brittany giggled.

"What?" Santana mumbled.

"You're adorable."

Santana tried not to, but the tenderness in Brittany's voice that had been disarming her since they were teenagers always struck something in her, pulling at her heart and forcing it to warm up. So she smiled.

"You're spilling water all over the floor you know?"

"Sorry" she said half-heartedly.

Her body literally left the floor as she jumped, completely taken by surprise by Brittany's arms circling around her waist and resting on her stomach. She lifted her head from the wall, instead tilting it to the side as Brittany began kissing her shoulder. Santana put her hands over Brittany's which were holding her stomach securely, and closed her eyes.

Brittany's lips were now on her neck, her tongue flicking out occasionally as she sucked on Santana's skin and pressed her further into her body with the hands on her stomach. She groaned as she felt Santana's ass press against her.

"Mmmhh" Santana hummed, completely content to lose herself in the moment. She knew it wasn't going to go very far, as turned on as she was getting, because they both had way too much on their minds. But this…this was perfect. Brittany holding her and allowing her to give in to the feel of her tongue against her neck, or her breasts against her back. It was calming, and that's what she needed.

Brittany took her time placing the kisses, seemingly in no rush at all, and that grounded Santana. Finally, she reached just below Santana's ear, nibbling gently to pull her even deeper into the moment, and then positioned her mouth at her ear.

"Turn around."

Santana complied, turning slowly and using one hand to push the hair Brittany had moved out of the way as she'd been kissing her neck back over her shoulder. Their lips met in a slow kiss, parted slightly to fit perfectly together. Brittany's hands travelled down to Santana's waist and just rested there. Santana's were cupping Brittany's neck, guiding the kiss.

As relaxed as their movements had been so far, Brittany's tongue glided across Santana's top lip before pushing into her mouth. They both moaned as their tongues met. Santana stepped closer to Brittany, pushing their bodies together and rolling her hips. Brittany's grip on her waist tightened as she mirrored Santana's actions.

Brittany walked Santana back to the wall to get them away from the stream of water, gently forcing her back against it, slowly so the cold tiles wouldn't shock her body. When Santana was resting entirely on it, Brittany cupped her hand under Santana's thigh and lifted her leg to wrap around her waist. She then positioned herself between her legs and ground into her.

Santana let one of her hands move from Brittany's neck to tangle in her hair, breathing heavily from her nose as she tilted her head and deepened their kiss. They kept a slow pace. Santana couldn't remember the last time she and Brittany had made out so slowly. Every kiss was drawn out till the very last second, not rushed, or charged with need. Not leading to anything. The way their bodies moved together was like a gentle rocking, almost like a slow dance where you just swayed left and right, only now they were moving forward and backwards. She could actually feel Brittany's thigh and ass muscles contracting against her leg every time she moved, and feel her stomach shudder before almost every moan that Brittany let out. She loosened her grip on Brittany's neck and brushed gently across her cheek.

They opened their eyes at the same time, both staring at the other's lips before locking eyes. Their gentle rocking slowed to a stop.

Brittany dropped Santana's leg, using that hand to cup Santana's cheek. She pressed their lips together once, then twice, the second time lasting longer than the first. When she pulled back she was smiling.

"I love you so much"

Santana combed her fingers through Brittany's wet hair, resting her hand on the back of her shoulder as she let it drop.

"I love you more."

Grinning, Brittany leaned in, kissed her cheek, and then stepped out of the shower.

"Turn off the water or close the door please. Before the whole floor gets wet."

Santana reached over and turned off the water. There was no point continuing to hide in here. The sooner she addressed her sons' questions the better for all of them.


Jesus was trying to focus on the television. Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn was one of the few shows he and his sibling could all agree on watching, and he actually really liked it. Somehow a show about 4 siblings arguing and fighting, sometimes hating each other but ultimately having each other's backs really appealed to him. Then there was the fact that they often addressed how hard it was for them to feel like individuals when they were quadruplets. He felt that way all the time, and, he would say, his was worse because he was an identical twin. Identical in every single way except personality.

He was good at all the things Kyler was, if maybe not as good, and vice versa. They looked the same, spoke the same and liked the same food. It was why they made a point not to have the same friends or wear the same clothes or even really hang out much outside the house. He needed to feel like his own person, not Kyler's twin. It was also why he stopped playing sports so much. He did enjoy football and soccer and swimming, but like he'd seen at Kyler's football game last weekend, he couldn't do them without being compared to his brother. To his twin.

The only people who made him feel like he was being seen were his mothers. He could count on one hand the number of times they had called him Kyler instead of Jesus, and only once, when he had been wearing Kyler's soccer jersey because he'd lost his somehow, had they not immediately corrected themselves. Once in his whole life. With them he knew that he was a complete individual, like Sophia or Mateo, who just happened to look exactly like another kid in their house. He loved that.

So maybe he'd overreacted a bit that morning with Kyler, but he couldn't be blamed. Sophia had told them most of the memories she had of her parents, and they were awful. They beat her all the time for nothing sometimes, and left her alone for days without any food. So Jesus couldn't understand why Kyler wanted to open the doors of a non-existent life, looking for a woman who frankly didn't matter and could be as bad as Sophia's birth mother.

He had mothers already, the perfect mothers for him, in fact. They were fun and cool, they gave him everything he could want, they showed him more things than the kids in their class had ever seen, like concerts and movie sets. He got to learn about making music and actually be in a studio, which was the only place he felt calm and relaxed. They took the time to learn about all the different sports Kyler was interested in month to month, keeping up with all the news they knew he'd want to know and taking him on trips to see stadiums or watch press conferences. His parents were understanding and loving and perfect, he knew that. He knew they were lucky. So he just could not stand that Kyler wanted more. He could not bear the thought, especially after his mum's reaction that morning, of them thinking that they weren't enough. That they weren't good enough parents because they didn't give birth to him.

Who cared where he came from anyway? He looked like his mami, he'd been told so many times. They had the same smile, the same eyes and the same nose. Sometimes it was annoying how many times he heard that he looked like his mum. Then there were the comments from all their parent's friends about how much they acted like her too. The Lopez attitude. He was pretty sure they weren't supposed to have over heard those conversations, especially the ones where his Tia called his mami the B word, but he had. He took pride in knowing he was so much like her. She was awesome after all. So who CARED that she hadn't given birth to him? She was his mum. His mama, who always had time for them, always sat with them before or after school and listened to their never ending stories, always joined in on their games or roped them into one she'd made up herself, and cuddled with him under a fort she'd built when he was in a mood, she was his mum. He didn't need to know anything more about anyone else.

But then there was his twin brother who for some reason did, and that bothered him.

As much as he wanted to be an individual with his own thoughts and feelings, it was unsettling to know that they could be this different. That he could actually have no idea what was going on inside the head of the person he was supposed to know better than anyone. It felt almost…lonely.

"I'm Dicky!"

"You're Nicky, we already call you that."

Jesus looked up to find Niki standing on the arm of the chair with a blanket around his neck like a cape. Looking back at the tv, he saw that they were all in super hero costumes.

"I don't want to be Nicki, I want to be Dicky."

"Dicky likes following the rules and being clean and tidy." Jesus said. "That's not you."

"I can follow the rules."

"You're standing on the couch, is that following the rules?" Sophia asked. Niki looked down at the couch, then looked up at Sophia. "Just because you have almost the same colour hair doesn't mean you're like him."

Niki frowned and jumped off the couch to land on the floor.

"Careful!" Jesus yelled, raising from the couch slightly before Niki stood up and walked towards them. "Jeez." He sat back down.

"If you hurt yourself again mami's going to kill us" Sophia said angrily. She pulled Niki to sit down next to her, but he stood up quickly, frowning.

"Why would she kill you?"

"Because we're supposed to be looking after you. You heard her today…you're too young to know what's going to hurt you so we have to make sure you're safe."

"I'm not a baby" Niki yelled, crossing his hands over his chest. Sophia shrugged and turned back to the tv.

"Yes you are." Jesus said. "If you weren't you wouldn't do dangerous things all the time."

"6 is not that far from 10! And Sophia isn't even 10 yet."

"Okaaay" Sophia pushed him out of the way, since he'd moved in front of her and was blocking the tv. "Move"

"No. Say I'm not a baby."

"Move Niki."

"Say I'm not a baby!"

Sophia stood up and pushed him until he was on the other side of the room. Niki stomped his foot angrily.

"You guys are mean" he whined, sounding like he was going to cry.

"I didn't even do anything" Jesus called after him, but Niki was already running away. He sighed and slumped against the couch. "Now look what you did." He shoved Sophia.

"I told him to move."

"You didn't have to push him like that."

Sophia shrugged. "They're not going to care."

"How do you know? Mami told you to stop being mean to him."

"I can't help it he's annoying. Besides, they're too busy worrying about Ky."

Jesus bit his lip, sitting up and looking around. He hadn't seen Kyler since dinner over an hour ago, and that was weird. They only got one hour of tv on school days, and none of them ever skipped it. Kyler was usually the first one watching in fact.

Okay, so maybe he'd overreacted a bit this morning.

It wasn't long before they heard Niki coming back down the stairs with his mama.

"Told you" Jesus hissed at Sophia, sitting up. Sophia frowned, turning to look.

Brittany appeared carrying a crying Niki.

"Guys" she said. Jesus hated how disappointed she sounded. "I thought we talked about this."

"I didn't do anything" Jesus defended immediately.

"You said I was a baby."

"You're crying like one"

"Sophia!" Brittany raised her voice. Jesus turned to look at his sister. Sometimes Sophia genuinely shocked him. He wasn't sure if it was the Lopez attitude and she just had more of it than the rest of them, or if she really did just like being mean sometimes. Particularly to Niki, he noticed.

Niki was crying harder now.

"See, I told you she was being mean to me mama"

"Okay honey how about this…" she turned to look up the stairs. "Um..." She looked at the tv. "How about, you get to watch tv, whatever you want."

"But I don't want to watch with her."

"Okay" she sighed. "Jesus, will you go upstairs please."

"Mama that's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong!"

"No I'm not punishing you. Mami and I want to talk to you, she's waiting for you in our room."

Jesus stood up, a little scared that he was in trouble for his fight with Kyler this morning.

"Where's Ky?"

"He's with mami bud, don't worry."

Nodding Jesus walked up the stairs and out of the living room.

He heard his mama sigh heavily, letting out an annoyed "Sophia really?" before he was making his way up the stairs to his parents' room.

When he got to their door, he wasn't sure if he should knock or just walk in. The rule was that they only needed to knock if it was early in the morning or late at night. Basically if it was possible that they could be asleep. Right now he knew his mum wasn't asleep, but he wasn't sure if he was in trouble, so he didn't really know how to act.

Deciding to play it safe, he knocked.

"Whose there?"

"Jesus"

"Jesus who?"

Jesus frowned.

"Um….Jesus Sawyer-"

The door swung open and his mami pulled him through, grabbing him around the shoulders with one hand and tousling his hair with the other.

"Of course I knew it was you goofball. Why'd you knock?"

"I…" Jesus studied his mami, taking note of her smile and the fact that she was standing so close to him. He couldn't be in trouble, he reasoned, so he relaxed and laughed along with her. "No se."

"Well come on, sit down with me."

Jesus noticed that Kyler was sitting in the middle of the bed with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out. He had their mami's phone in his hands and didn't look up at him as he walked over. Jesus studied him as well. He looked fine. Better than he did at school. He didn't look sick or hurt in any way, so why had he come home early? And why had their mama told him to leave him alone so he could rest? Not that Jesus really wanted to talk to Kyler much, since he was still pretty upset with him, but he was getting the feeling that there was something he didn't know about, and again, not knowing something about his twin felt wrong.

"Sit down baby" he was told again. This time he listened. He climbed onto the bed and sat cross-legged facing his mami.

"Am I in trouble?" Jesus finally asked.

"No mijo, for what?" Jesus shrugged. "No. Mama and I just want to talk to you for a little bit, is that okay?"

"Yeah"

He looked at Kyler.

"Why'd you leave school?"

"Like you care?"

Jesus frowned heavily as their mum spun around to face Kyler.

"Don't say that Ky, of course he cares."

"No he doesn't" Kyler mumbled. Still, he never looked up at Jesus.

Now he was getting angry again. Why was Kyler mad at him? He wasn't the one that was being…insensitive, that was the word. He wasn't the one being insensitive towards their mothers, acting stupid because of someone that didn't matter.

"Are you sick?"

"Leave me alone."

"I want to know."

"I don't want you to know."

"Stop being a baby."

"Okay guys…hey" their mum put her hand on Kyler's foot as he looked up aggressively. "Not now please. Your brother is worried about you" she told Kyler. "Even if he doesn't want to show it."

Kyler looked away from Jesus to instead face their mum, and Jesus looked down at the duvet.

He wouldn't say he was worried really. More curious. He just wanted to know what was wrong with him.

"It's all his fault anyway."

"That's not fair."

"It's true!"

"What's my fault?"


Santana was silently praying for Brittany to come back faster.

"You act like you know everything all the time and I don't know anything. Like you know better than me."

"That's not true. I don't do that."

"You do. You always do, because you have a photographic memory."

"So? Did my memory make you go home early?"

Kyler scowled at Jesus.

"You're the one crying to know-"

"I'm not crying-"

"Now you're asking stupid questions"

"You're giving stupid answers"

"I know you are but-"

"Guys please" Santana sighed.

"Mami" Kyler cried, clearly extremely irritated.

"Do you want me to tell him?" Santana offered. Hoping that by taking over, she could stop the escalating argument. Kyler nodded and looked back down at her phone.

Santana scooted down the bed so she was sitting closer to Jesus.

"You remember what we were talking about over breakfast?"

Jesus nodded. He'd been thinking about it a lot today, of course he remembered, photographic memory or not.

"Well…It really upset Ky because…he felt like by thinking about your birth moth-"

"She's not my mother."

Santana let out a breath, unsure whether to be exasperated by Jesus' stubbornness or touched that he was so defensive of her and Brittany.

"Okay…the woman who gave birth to you?" she raised an eyebrow, asking if that was okay to say. He nodded. "Okay. Kyler felt like by thinking about her, he was betraying us somehow. Like he was wishing she was his mother even though that's not what he wants at all. Or that thinking about her meant he didn't love us."

Jesus remained silent, but his face gave away the fact that he was burning to interrupt again, possibly to say that that was exactly what thinking about their birth mother meant.

Brittany walked back into the room, thankfully without Mateo. She walked round the bed and sat next to Kyler.

"Do you think that too?" Santana asked.

Jesus nodded.

"Okay well…we'll talk about that later. But…so that really made Kyler upset, thinking that he didn't love me and mama, and he got scared that if he didn't love us then we didn't love him either. And he just got more and more sad until your teacher had to call us to come pick him.

Jesus frowned, looked at Kyler, then Brittany, then back at Santana.

"I didn't know he was that sad. I thought he was angry at me cause I didn't want to talk about….her"

"He was really sad buddy." Brittany said.

Kyler put down the phone and cuddled into Brittany's side. Santana saw his eyes slowly lift up to look at Jesus.

"I didn't know" Jesus said, quieter than before.

"It's okay" Santana brushed her fingers over his cheek. "He's better now right amor?"

Kyler hummed. "Yeah"

"But now we want to talk to you guys about the woman who gave birth to you….and even the man…" she trailed off, unsure what to call him. "Your biological father."

Jesus frowned disapprovingly, but Santana knew he had no idea what the alternative to that would be, so she wasn't shocked he didn't object.

"What about them?" he asked instead, looking almost scared.

"Well Ky obviously has some questions, like who she is and what she does and that kind of stuff…" Brittany spoke up. "If you have any questions-"

"I don't."

"It's okay if you do" Santana told him seriously. "I told Kyler this earlier. You are allowed to be curious about her. Anything about her. It doesn't mean you don't love me and mama or that you don't think we're good mums or that you wish she was your mum instead. It just means you're curious about the people that made it possible for you to be ours."

Santana could see Jesus thinking hard. She let him.

"Ky…you had some questions earlier." Kyler nodded. "I have an answer, but it might be a little hard for you guys to hear."

Santana shifted closer still to Jesus, placing her hand on his back. When she was ready, she nodded at Brittany.

"Your…" Brittany paused. "The woman who gave birth to you…mami and I met her in Brazil when mami was doing a concert there."

"I-" Jesus stood up, fidgeting on the spot. He shook his head. "I don't want to know."

"How can you not want to know?"

Kyler sat up, frowning with what looked like genuine confusion to Santana.

"How can you want to?" Jesus shot back. He instantly lost his nervousness, replacing it with frustration. "This isn't right. She doesn't matter Ky!"

"No, stop it" Brittany said gently. She stood up and walked to Jesus, taking his face in her hands when she reached him. "Jesus, I need you to listen to mama now okay? I know you love me and I know that you love mami. It isn't a case of us versus her okay? You don't have to choose to only think or care about one of us, and ignore the other."

Jesus tried to shake his head but Brittany gripped tighter. She bent down enough to look into his eyes.

"It's okay…" she told him. "I promise it's okay. And if you really don't want to know anything, then that's also okay too, but I don't want it to be because you think you're hurting us."

Jesus stared deeply into Brittany's eyes, trying to see if she was lying. He turned to face Santana, who had moved up the bed next to Kyler. She nodded encouragingly. So he nodded back.

Brittany guided them back to the bed and they climbed onto it. This time it was him who cuddled into her side.

"So….we met her in Brazil. She was pregnant with you guys" She squeezed Jesus shoulder and Santana kissed Kyler's head, "but she was really hurt. We managed to get her to the hospital, and the doctors took you two out and took us to see you…and that was it."

"You were ours" Santana smiled.

"What happened to her?" Kyler asked. "Was she okay?"

"No" Santana said sadly. She pulled him closer to her and rested her lips on his head. "No she wasn't okay baby."

"She died?" Jesus asked.

Brittany squeezed his shoulder again.

"Yeah my love. She died."

Santana wasn't sure how she had been expecting Jesus and Kyler to react to this news. They didn't know this woman from Adam, had no emotional connection to her, and they had never experienced someone they loved dying, so they didn't even really know what grief felt like, but she had been expecting some form of sadness. Yet, as she sat there in silence with the twins looking thoughtful but not even slightly upset, she figured maybe they were too young. Right now Jesus was adamant that this woman meant nothing, and the extent of Kyler's curiosity was superficial at best. When they were older and really started to wonder about her, like when they started learning about genetics in Biology, she was sure the fact that she was dead would sink in deeper and they would feel something.

She just hoped that when it did it would come without the drama of this time.

"Okay" Jesus finally said. He looked at Kyler. "Does that make you sad?"

Kyler pursed his lips. "No" he answered, sounding truthful. "Because she wasn't meant to be our mum anyway. It was always meant to be you, that's why you met her and helped her get to the doctors."

Jesus nodded.

"Do you have any questions?" Brittany asked. They both shook their heads. "Okay…but if you do, we want you to come talk to us okay?"

"And we'll answer them as best we can."

"Okay." Jesus hugged Brittany before pulling away. He crawled up the bed and bent his head for Santana to kiss. "Can I go watch tv?"

"A little" Santana said. "Then brush your teeth and bedtime okay?"

"Okay" Jesus called, rushing out the room.

"What about you bud?" Brittany asked Kyler. He hadn't moved from under Santana's armpit.

"Can I stay here a little?"

"Of course you can love." Brittany crawled up the bed, laying herself down on Kyler's other side. "You can stay here all night if you want."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Santana brushed some hair out of his face, combing her fingers through it to try and get it to fall towards the back of his head rather than over his eyes.

"I'm okay. I think I just wanted to know something about her, you know to show like….she was real and I didn't come from nowhere."

"That makes sense" Brittany said.

"I'm sorry I scared you this morning" Santana whispered. "I'm really sorry I made you think I was angry with you." Kyler nodded. "I was just thinking, that's why I went quiet."

"I know" Kyler said. "Mama did the same thing when I told her." Brittany chuckled. "Were you scared too?" he asked Santana.

"A little bit yeah" Santana answered honestly. "A little bit like you. I was scared that once we started talking about your birth mum then you wouldn't think of me like your real mum anymore the way you have been when there was no one else to think about."

"Mami that's silly."

"Yeah" Santana chuckled.

"We were both silly then huh?"

"Yeah I guess we were" Santana rested her head on the top of Kyler's.

"Cause we'll always love each other right?"

"Always, always, always" Santana said, more seriously than she'd ever said anything in her life. She dropped her hand from cradling the other side of Kyler's head, searching blindly for Brittany's. When she found it she interlocked their fingers. Brittany lifted her head and smiled at her.

"To infinity" Brittany said.

"To infinity" Kyler murmured.