Bring Me To Life - A Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel Crossover Event
Part 58
All I Want
Nothing's so loud
As hearing when we lie
The truth is not kind
And you've said neither am I
And the air outside so soft
Is saying everything, everything
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say
— "All I Want", Toad the Wet Sprocket
Sunnydale General Hospital
1:17 a.m.
Days Left Before the End of Days: 13
Cordelia Chase slowly stirred awake from her place on the chair in Xander's room.
She kept drifting in and out of consciousness in the last few hours. The emotional turbulence of Xander awakening to find himself half-blind at the hands of Caleb had taken its toll on her. Yet as tired as she was, she still couldn't sleep properly.
Her gaze drifted to Xander, now asleep again after a good while of the group crying and trying to hold him together after the realization of his permanent wounds sank in. His face looked puffy from the meds, yet she couldn't keep her eyes off of him.
She swallowed back a sob of grief that bubbled in her throat at the sight of Xander, so injured and vulnerable as he lay there in a hospital bed.
Willow and Oz decided to head back home to fill in the others on his condition, assuring Cordelia that they would be back in a few hours after they had a moment to sleep, shower and change their clothes.
Cordelia knew she could use all of those things herself…but she just couldn't leave Xander. She just couldn't. The idea of him waking up alone in a hospital bed, permanently scarred and ruined, tore at her heart and it was simply unacceptable. She had been pampered enough for many years of her life; one night of discomfort would hardly kill her, she decided. Besides, she thought with guilt, it was the least she could do considering her lack of battle awareness was the reason her sweet, but very mortal ex-boyfriend had lost his eye.
The thought of it sent fresh guilt and grief through the Seer's already troubled soul. Of all the things she had been inadvertently responsible for during this crapstorm of an apocalypse, Xander's maiming was the worst of all to her. Even after all the history between them, he had protected her. Cared for her. Been there for her through arguably the worst period of her 22-year life. Had dared to offer her his heart again with no guarantees that either one of them would end up getting hurt.
And how had she repaid him? By getting him half-blinded and nearly murdered by a super-powered psychopath in a preacher's collar. The sight of the blood pouring from his eye, the sound of his tortured screams as it happened haunted Cordelia even now. Perhaps they would haunt her forever…
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she stood up, walked over to a sleeping Xander in his hospital bed. She absently stroked his sweat-matted hair from his forehead, traced his deceptively handsome cheekbones softly with her soft, slender fingers.
I almost lost you, Cordelia thought in sorrow, her eyes glassy as she beheld his sleeping form. I can't believe I almost lost you, Xander. What would I do without you?
She would never forgive Caleb for doing this to him, she darkly thought. She hated Caleb so much right now…almost as much as she would forever hate herself for her part in Xander's injury, she realized in self-loathing.
Trying her best to shut out those demons in her head, she leaned down and pressed a brief, but affectionate kiss on Xander's lips, cupping his cheek gently and giving him a watery smile before she began to walk out towards the hallway, probably to the vending machine to get something to eat. Probably to just wander around aimlessly. She hadn't decided yet.
As she slowly walked down the halls, Cordelia wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing them instinctively from the cold of the hospital air conditioning. It was cold and lonely. And it reflected a lot of how she had felt inside since this nightmare began, she realized with a pang of sadness.
The Seer wanted so desperately to be optimistic, to believe that there was a light at the end of this tunnel of misery, but with every step, all they had seemed to find lately was more dark, more misery, and she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe this was finally the one apocalypse that neither she nor the ones she loved would be walking away from.
She hadn't even received a meaningful vision in a while now, not since the resurrected Beast came after them on the bridge. Cordelia barely repressed a shudder at the memory of that foul abomination, how it had perversely fixated on her. She still wondered how and why The Powers That Be had failed to warn her about the vineyard, about Caleb. About anything significant of late.
What if…what if I'm not…worthy anymore? she wondered sadly, the thought depressing the lovely Seer even more. What if after everything, everything that happened because of me…that they don't think I deserve to have the visions? What would I do? What would I have to offer? Would…would my friends still want me around?
"Aww. Why the long face, sweetie?" came the chipper sound of a familiar female voice.
Cordelia turned around to a most unwelcome sight.
Harmony.
Sitting in the waiting lounge with a smug look on her face.
Her smile was cruel, in its own vapid way. "You look like someone ran over your favorite dweeb."
"Harmony," Cordelia breathed, stunned.
"Hey, bestie," Harmony winked. "No offense, but you really need a wardrobe change. The 'geek-bloodstains-on-your-pants' look is soo 'Victim from Central Casting.'"
Despite her emotional state, Cordelia remembered well the last time she had seen Harmony Kendall. It was years ago in L.A., when Harmony—her vapid and dim-witted best frenemy in Sunnydale High—had betrayed Cordelia and the Angel Investigations team to the vampire cult organization 'Doug Sanders' Selective Slaughter'. Despite sparing her life during the fight, Cordelia warned Harmony that the next time they met, Cordelia would not hesitate to stake her to dust.
Now is just as good a time as any, Cordelia angrily thought, well in the mood to kill something.
Her mind suddenly whirring into action, Cordelia spotted a nearby lamp desk near her. Viciously kicking at its leg, the wood snapped under The Seer's heel before she picked up a stake-sized piece of wood and sprinted towards her former high school B.F.F., Cordelia thrusting the stake towards the blonde vampire's chest…
…only for it to harmlessly pass through the demon. There was nothing but air there.
"Hey! Rude much?" 'Harmony' pouted.
Cordelia got it now. Crap. Not this asswipe…
She scowled as she discarded the wood on the floor.
"Great. Go on, do your stupid 'muah-ha-ha's and leave me the hell alone. Wait, actually, don't. I'm out," Cordelia spat, disinterested, at the apparition as she swiftly turned on her heels and walked away.
Harmony/The First materialized next to her as it kept stride with the leggy brunette. "What's the hurry, Murray? Big sale at Rodeo Drive? Ooh, can I come with? I've had my eye on a pair of pink dress shoes from Yves Saint Laurent that are just to die for! Get it? To die for? 'Cuz I'm dead?" She/it let out an airy laugh that was so identical to the real Harmony Kendall it made Cordelia want to try and stake her again.
"I said 'Get lost,' Slimer," Cordelia angrily spat as she tried to block it out, continuing her brisk pace.
"Geez," Harmony/The First huffed defensively. "Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning, Cor-Cor? Don't tell me you're still hung up over what happened to that Xander Harris loser."
Her beautiful brown eyes lit with anger, Cordelia whirled around on the ghostly image of her ex-frenemy. "Xander is not a loser," she ground out, her voice so thick with emotion she could have choked on it. "He never was."
Harmony/The First smirked cruelly. "That's not how you used to tell it…or Caleb does."
Cordelia shook with fury, the memory of Caleb maiming Xander flickering in her mind.
"But you know, you really can't blame that dreamy Caleb guy for what happened to your nerdy awkward Romeo," Harmony/The First taunted her. "That's just the game. Eternal war between good and evil, yada-yada-yada, you know the drill, hun. And hey, by the way, how is it that you're back on the 'I Love Xander' train again? You're still hung up on that no-count loser even after he cheated on you with, hello, Willow 'I Love Sweaters Knitted By The Blind' Rosenberg? And, hey, last I checked, didn't he have a fiancée, that weird ex-demon chick Aida or something? God, Cordy, if you were going to go after a guy with emotionally unavailable baggage, couldn't you have at least picked a hot doctor or a gorgeous millionaire actor or even that broody hunk Angel instead of one of the Salvation Army rejects?"
"You did this," Cordelia snarled quietly, her eyes burning with anger. "You did this to him. You used me. Everything that's happened, all of it, to me, to my friends, all those people…it's all because of you."
Harmony/The First shrugged, unapologetically. "Well, duh! Wouldn't be much of a supervillain without breaking a few eggs here and there, I mean, he-llooo?" She/it gave Cordelia a pitying look. "Aww, but don't take it so personally, Rich Girl. Or should I say 'former Rich Girl?' You were a means to an end. Just part of the game. That's all. Could have been anybody I picked to start these plans into motion. But your dopey little buddy Doyle and his kiss goodbye made you the obvious choice. The Seer for the Powers That Be as a pawn in my power play? Oh, cupcake…the irony was so delicious."
Despite the harsh words cutting into her, Cordelia tried to shrug off the hurt, staring nonplussed at the ghostly form in front of her. "Now I know you can't be the real Harmony. 'Irony' was too big of a word for her."
Ignoring that crack, Harmony/The First continued. "At least your life has a bit more meaning now. Instead of being the seventh wheel in Buffy's gang or the second banana to Angel's Ghostbusters squad, you get top billing in the final apocalypse. Isn't that what you've always wanted, Cordelia? To be the star? The center of attention? I mean, you couldn't hack it in Hollywood because you sucked as an actress, so lord knows you weren't going to get your ticket to stardom there. Too unspecial to really fit into Buffy's circle of friends. Too broke to go to college. Too guarded and jaded to keep any friends or boyfriends. Too untalented to make it into Hollywood. Too much of a damsel to be of any real help to Buffy or Angel or even your little friend Xander. You were the Daphne. Always were. Always have been. You were just sitting around waiting for someone to pick you, to make you feel special, to give you the big break that your massive ego and your Daddy's wallet made you think you deserved. Well, congrats, honey…your big break has finally come. I'm making you famous."
Each word felt like salt in her still-open wounds as Cordelia felt her eyes burning. The word 'Daphne' particularly stung her. It was a reference to Daphne Blake, often seen as the most useless of Scooby Doo's 'Mystery Inc.' gang, a damsel with a knack for getting into peril often named 'Danger-Prone Daphne'. Silently, though she would never admit it, Cordelia always thought of herself as this when she was a part of the Scooby Gang in Sunnydale, and even as a part of Team Angel in L.A. Always getting into trouble, always being the one that needed rescuing from the vampires or the insane invisible girls or the creepy monsters who tried to possess her or impregnate her with demon spawn. Never strong enough to fend for herself. Always having to be rescued. Always the liability, the damsel.
It felt like she was having every failure in the story of her life rubbed in her face, and Cordelia could barely stand it.
"Go to hell," the shaken Seer bit out quietly, trying to block out its words.
Yet Harmony/The First merely smiled. "But you know, even though you were completely useless when my guy turned your not-guy into a half-blind cripple, you can't blame yourself. I mean, hello? Have you seen how strong Caleb is? He would have snapped both your necks at the same time and not even broken a sweat." She/it sauntered forward and gave Cordelia a sickly sweet smile. "I'll tell you who to blame…Buffy. It's always Buffy, isn't it? I mean, you all tried to warn her not to go to the vineyard, but because she's The Slayer, she just had to come in like Rambo and try to storm the place. It was a disaster. And one that could have been avoided if she had just listened to reason. But why should she? You guys were always just pawns to her. Buffy and the sidekicks, the fodder she always threw in front of the monsters to save her own skin."
Cordelia knew it was lies and more lies, yet in the middle of all the garbage, as much as she hated to admit it, there was some truth in what this thing was saying. Buffy should have listened. Cordelia had warned Buffy about the vineyard; even without receiving a vision, Cordelia could see it was a bad idea. Xander had warned her. Giles had warned her. They all had warned her. If Buffy had only listened, would any of this have happened? Would Xander be in a hospital bed right now, scarred for the rest of his life?
"You're the chick with the Visions, aren't you?" Harmony/The First asked tauntingly. "I don't know if you've been getting any sneak previews from The Powers lately, but I'll save you the trouble…you're all going to die. You, Buffy, Angel, your friends, those awkward little girls you're all so hellbent on protecting. Some of you a little earlier than expected. Maybe…Xander, for example."
At that, Cordelia's eyes widened, her heart freezing in her chest.
"I mean, the poor loser's already at the brink, and he's been knocking at death's door since Day 1. And it'd be cruel of me to just leave him looking all 'Patchy The Pirate' for the rest of his life. Maybe all he needs is another visit from Caleb. He'd be happy to give him a little…" the image of the half-wit vampire smirked coldly. "...push through that door."
"You stay the hell away from him," Cordelia warned it, trying to growl but the fear and grief sapping her anger a bit, making her threat sound more like a plea.
Harmony/The First chuckled cruelly. "Make me."
Xander felt like he had been asleep for years, yet he would have killed to have the peace of mind to sleep now.
He had only briefly stirred awake but a moment ago. To his horror, he awoke to see no one there.
Not Willow. Not Cordelia. Not Anya. Not Oz. And no sign of Buffy or Dawn or Giles. Or Gunn or Fred. Not even Andrew. He would have gladly settled for even Andrew right now. Or even Angel. Or Faith. Hell, he would almost be willing to take Spike.
Instead, here he was. Alone. Left behind like a useless invalid in a hospital bed while the real heroes were off fighting to save the world.
Xander felt the emotion welling up inside of him, and for a moment, the room seemed to close in around him. He hated this. Hated this place. Hated this stupid bed. Hated the sterile smell of medicine and bleach and these overly clean sheets. Hated the damn machines and the I.V. tubes hooked into him.
He wanted to go home. He wanted to hug Buffy and Willow and Cordy and Anya. He wanted to listen to another one of Giles's long-winded lectures. He wanted to be in his own bed. He wanted to have his left eye back. He wanted to have that dull ache in his face where his eye used to finally stop.
He wanted to feel like he wasn't so damn useless.
Yet here he was. Having let down the ones he loved yet again, he bitterly mused as he laid back on the pillow and stared angrily at the ceiling. Causing them to worry over him while they should be saving the world. Or maybe they hadn't been worried enough, a dark part of his mind where his insecurities—his self-loathing, his feelings of inferiority and inadequacy—lay hissed viciously to him. After all, if they had really been so worried about you…would you really be here right now…alone?
"Whoa," he heard a jovial, yet haunting voice from his past suddenly. "Xander, dude, you're looking wrecked."
Xander shot up from his bed, and to his horror and shock, beheld a familiar face from his past.
The face of a friend. A dead friend.
His scratchy voice croaked out the name. "Jesse."
Leaning casually in the doorway, there stood Jesse McNally. His and Willow's childhood best friend. He should have been 22 years old by now, maybe at college, hanging out with the rest of them at the Magick Shop or the Bronze as one of the gang. But fate had different plans for Jesse…plans that involved him being sired by Darla on the first night of sophomore year and accidentally staked one night later during The Harvest.
By Xander himself.
The young man smirked, having not aged a day over 16 years old, when Xander last saw him. "Hey, buddy."
This was impossible, Xander told himself. Jesse was dead. Gone forever.
And that could only mean one thing…that thing standing there wasn't Jesse.
"Get the hell out of here," Xander weakly spat, trying to glower at him/it, but the drugs and fatigue sapping his normally flippant attitude.
Jesse/The First, putting a hand to his heart, recoiled as if wounded. "Ouch! Dude, harsh! You'd think a guy would get a little love from his best friend after all the sleepovers we had as kids."
It looked like Jesse, it even sounded like Jesse, Xander painfully noted. But he'd be damned if he was going to let some poltergeist freak get inside his head. "I don't really get why you get your rocks off on the whole 'Ghost of Christmas Past' shtick, but I was never much of a Dickens guy to begin with," Xander replied acidly. "Beat it, Moaning Myrtle. Go haunt a house or something."
"Not a Dickens guy, yet you reference the J.K. Rowling pop culture crap," Jesse/The First chuckled. "Yup. Typical Xander Harris. You can take the boy out of high school, but can't take the high school out of the boy."
Xander began to grow more impatient, more angry. "Get. Out."
The image of his long-dead best friend smirked cruelly at him. "You're not exactly in the position to tell me what to do, are you…Cyclops?"
His left eye throbbed as if subconsciously reminded of the insult, and Xander glared poisonously at the thing wearing his dead friend's face.
"C'mon, Zeppo Boy…did you really think you'd keep it up forever?" Jesse/The First coolly taunted him as he walked closer to the bed, Xander's fists balling instinctively. "All those years of hanging out with the Slayer and her pals, throwing yourself into the fire with them and getting lucky to walk away with your life? You're just a human, Harris. You're not a Slayer or a witch or a Watcher or a vampire or a werewolf or a demon. Hell, you don't even get visions like Cordelia. You're just a weak, useless townie schlub with bad jokes and crappy dress sense who lucked into being best buds with a superhero, and was luckier that Buffy didn't have the heart to cut you lose years ago like the dead weight you are like she should have. Too weak to be the hero, too broke and too stupid to go to college, and too naive to realize that he's in over his head. And you actually thought you could walk away from all those battles and all those demons without a scratch? You tested fate one too many times, buddy. And it finally caught up to you. Now look at you. You were barely useful to them when you were whole, what good are you to them now? Getting a handicap parking spot at the next apocalypse?"
Xander's lips drew in a straight line and he glowered darkly at 'Jesse', yet he couldn't find the words to retort.
For there was a part of him that couldn't help but wonder if that was true.
He had helped out in any way he could despite his mortal limitations, done more than what was asked of him through the years, had tried so hard to help them, he really had. Yet Xander's hidden feelings of being a liability, of being useless, of being a failure in the eyes of his loved ones and never being able to truly help them enough in their battles against the Forces of Darkness only seemed to grow more and more throughout the years.
All he had ever been able to do, it seemed to him…was watch. Watch as his friends grew stronger, more powerful, while he stayed ever the same, stayed just Xander Harris, the normal guy who fixed the windows that got broken whenever the demons came storming around the house. Watch as the world passed him by. Watch as Buffy died saving the world, twice. Watch as Dawn got kidnapped by Glory. Watch as Cordelia left town. Watch as Giles and Oz left town. Watch as Tara was murdered and Buffy was shot. Watch as Willow succumbed to dark magicks. Watch as Anya fell back into becoming a Vengeance Demon again after he drove her out of his life because of his failures and his freakin' inferiority complex. Watch that bastard Caleb laugh at him, taunt him about his damned 'watching' before he jammed that damned thumb into his eye.
Now he couldn't even 'watch' right anymore, that dark part of Xander hissed at him. Just what can you do right?
"And you wanna know what the real rub was, buddy?" Jesse/The First said, laughing like he had told a funny joke. "You were right! About the vineyard, I mean. You told Buffy not to go there. That it was a bad idea. But she didn't listen to you. And why would she? I mean, she's the almighty Slayer, the Chosen One. She's your team's star player…why would the star player take instructions on how to win the big game from the waterboy? She's never listened to you when it counted, anyway. But if she had this time…maybe those girls and those street kids would still be alive. And maybe…you'd be home in your bed dreaming about having one last threesome with that hot piece of ass Cordelia and that tight little Anya chick, instead of laying here like a useless waste of space with a hole in your eye socket. Alone."
Xander looked away, hating how its words twisted into his psyche. How they played with his head…and how much truth there was in those words. If Buffy had only listened to him about the vineyard, to all of them…could all of this have been avoided? Could he still be…whole?
"What…no quips? No jokes? C'mon, where's that famous Xander Harris sarcastic wit we all know and love?" Jesse/The First said tauntingly.
Still, Xander said nothing, only glaring at him/it in contempt.
"Okay, here's a joke I've got special, just for you, 'buddy'," Jesse/The First smiled chipperly. "Knock, knock."
Xander kept his angry glare at him, refusing to play along.
"Oh, come on, Xand. I thought Caleb ripped out your eye, not your ears," Jesse/The First smirked. "Knock. Knock."
Taking a deep breath, Xander steeled himself. "Who's there?" he ground out angrily.
"Xander," Jesse/The First replied.
Dreading the answer, yet eager to get this over with, Xander slowly answered, "Xander…who?"
The thing with his best friend's face smiled viciously. "Exactly."
Xander silently shook with anger as he got the cruel punchline, wishing to God that he could just get up and walk away and cursing the heavens for not being able to.
But he'd be damned if this thing was going to get the best of him.
"Great. You made your point. You're real good at kicking a guy when he's in a hospital bed. Wow. Really brave," Xander replied sarcastically. "What's next? Gonna go kick some puppies? Maybe push an old lady down on the sidewalk for funsies?"
"Ooh, all fun options!" Jesse/The First mused cheerily, before its smile grew dark. "But I was thinking more along the lines of killing a few more of your friends before I get on with my big master plan at The Awakening. Maybe someone pretty. Maybe someone close to you…like…Cordelia?"
At the mention of her name, Xander's eye went wide, his fists balling so hard that his knuckles went white. The heart monitor next to his bed started to beep faster at the threat.
"She's already been through so much. And she's never really going to be the same again, not after the wringer I had her put through to get my new body. Hell, she tried to throw herself in front of a bus because of it," 'Jesse' shook his head. "Maybe I'll have my pet Beast show up, pay her another visit. He's got a little bit of a thang for her and those supermodel legs of hers, but you know that. I'm sure he'd love to take his time on her…" His/its gaze grew dark and lustly. "...if you know what I mean."
"You touch Cordelia and I'll kill you," Xander growled at it, protective fury spiking through him.
"Yeah? And how're you gonna do that…geek?" an amused Jesse/The First taunted viciously, his handsome face contorting in a malicious sneer. "You still don't get it, do you? So let me make your place in the big picture clear. You're not the hero of this story. You're not the hero in any story. The only way you'd ever be a hero is in some lame alternate reality or some badly written fanfiction or a comic book nobody would read, probably written by you. That's why you couldn't save Jesse. That's why Buffy picked Angel over you. That's why you couldn't make it work with Cordelia. That's why Willow ran back to Oz instead of staying with you when she had the chance. That's why Faith used you for a quickie and didn't think twice about trying to kill you. That's why Giles, Angel, Wesley and Spike never respected you. And that's why you were too much of a little bitch to have the guts to marry Anya, the one girl willing to look past your entire loserness and settle for you."
"Shut up," Xander angrily, quietly bit out.
Every word pushed an already frayed, already vulnerable Xander closer and closer to snapping, his breathing starting to become ragged, his teeth clenching, his composure and confidence wilting with every vile word, every breath from this damned ghost.
"You're not the leading man, Harris," Jesse/The First jeered at him, twisting the knife further into his spyche. "You're an extra. A red shirt. The guy who should've been killed off in Act 1 but managed to stick around for the comedy relief. Doesn't matter how hard you try, or how loyal you are or how much heart you think you have or how much you want it. You'll never be the hero like Buffy or Angel, and you'll never, ever get the girl. Let alone a girl like Cordelia. She. Doesn't. Love You. She never did. She only pities you. The only reason she's stuck around by you lately is because she's a mess and she feels sorry for you."
"SHUT THE FUCK UUUP!" Xander furiously shouted at it, his temper finally snapping.
The sound of Xander's screaming caught Cordelia's ears instantly, her eyes widening as they darted back around the corner.
Oh God, no… Cordelia's eyes filled with fear. "Xander…"
"Oops! Maybe Caleb just dropped by already to send his fondest regards," Harmony/The First sneered. "Looks like Doyle might have some company."
Cordelia shot the intangible force of nature a deadly glare before she bolted. Running as fast down the hall as she could.
She had to get to Xander. Now.
She couldn't lose him.
Not now.
Not again.
I'm coming, Xander, she thought frantically, inhaling and exhaling furious pants of air like a revved up sportscar as she made her way back towards Xander's room. Please hang on…please…!
Jesse/The First darkly chuckled. "Did I strike a nerve there, Funny Man? C'mon, Xander, make another lame joke to cover up all your insecurities. Like a good little clown."
"Get. The Hell. Outta Here," Xander snarled at it, his breathing becoming more ragged.
But it only laughed at him. Laughed at him like he was a joke. Like he was nothing, Xander bitterly realized.
"Oh, don't worry, Harris. I'll go. But only because what's coming is so much more fun," Jesse/The First smiled ominously. "One by one. You and your friends…all dead. And maybe I'll start with the beauty queen you're so sweet on first. Put her out of her misery. Just like Jesse. Just like Tara. And Miss Calendar. Just so I can see now much you cry through one eye. For funsies. After all, my Bringers are pretty sneaky. They could be anywhere around here. Or hell, maybe my big horned pet's waiting outside for her right now. Have fun 'watching' that."
Xander felt his heart hammer in his chest. No, he told himself. He couldn't lose Cordy.
He already lost her once.
He almost lost her for good recently.
He couldn't lose her now.
If something happens to Cordelia…Xander couldn't even finish the thought. It hurt him deeper and more painful than he could stand.
Jesse/The First winked knowingly at him. "Well, hate to torment and run, but I've gotta jet. Places to go…people to kill. Catch you later, 'buddy'."
And in a flash, it was gone. As if it was never there.
Yet in its wake, Xander heard Jesse's voice, humming an eerie tune around him:
"And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which she's dying
Are the best I've ever had"
Xander couldn't take it anymore. He began desperately pulling at the IV's in his arms, trying and stumbling to get out of this damn bed, doctor's orders be damned.
He had to get to Cordelia. And he had to get to her now.
Nothing else mattered.
If something happened to her and he couldn't help her, if he failed her again, he would never forgive himself. Ever.
Don't worry, Cordy, he frantically thought as he struggled to get out of his bed. I'm not going to let you down. You'll be okay. You'll be okay. Please be okay. You have to be, you can't leave, not again, not—
"Xander!"
Cordelia's desperate voice echoed through the door as she suddenly came in, frantic, panting, wide-eyed.
Xander could barely believe his eyes. "Cordy?"
The brunette beauty sighed in relief, her crimped, neck-length bob of hair nearly frazzled in stress, yet to Xander, she was still as lovely and as stunning as ever.
"Oh, thank God," she blurted out, relieved. "I thought…I thought you were…I…" She took a moment to realize something. "You're awake! I-I-thought the drugs would have kept you under…"
Xander kept staring at her, like she was the only thing in the world that existed.
She blinked, confused. "What?"
A beat, then Xander finally spoke. "Nothing…I…I thought I lost something."
Cordelia looked at him concerned. "Like what?"
Xander swallowed. It was now or never. And after everything he had just gone through, that they had, he was no longer afraid of what it meant. So he spoke one single word. One word that could change everything.
"You."
It was as if time had stood still.
Nothing's so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn't be that brave I know
Cordelia felt her breath catch in her throat. For a moment, she forgot how to breathe. How to think. How to do anything.
Xander shook his head. It was hard for him, but he decided to finally be honest with himself. About everything. About her. Especially about her.
And the air outside so soft
Confessing everything,
everything
"Cor," he began, looking down for a moment before his one good eye met her hazel-brown gaze. "Look…I know I…I know I haven't been what you needed before…that I messed up when you and I were…well 'You and I'…and I know that I don't have much to offer anyone now. I mean…look at me, right?" He gestured to his gauzed eye. "But I…I…I can't stop thinking about you. I'll never stop thinking about you. And I'll never stop caring about you. You mean more to me than I can put into words. Maybe more than I can put into thought."
Cordelia said nothing, but her wide, wondrous eyes said everything words could not.
And it won't matter now
Whatever happens will be
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be
It won't trouble me
"And I know I can't undo everything that happened in the past," Xander swallowed, baring his soul. "And I know I'm not perfect, and that I'm a mess right now, but what I can offer you is the only thing I've ever been able to offer anyone…my heart. And I know, you could have any guy you want, and there's no guarantee that it wouldn't end again, but if you give me a chance, I'll do everything I can to—"
"Xander?" Cordelia uttered softly.
Xander blinked. "...yeah?"
Cordelia gave him a watery smile. "Shut up."
And then she ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck.
And before Xander knew it, their lips met.
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say
The familiar spark of electricity crackled between their lips, their skin.
And suddenly, as his arms circled around her back, nothing else mattered.
Not his eye.
Not her doubts.
Not his failures.
Not her screw-ups.
Not The First.
Not the pending apocalypse.
Not their past.
Not even their future.
All that mattered now…was this moment.
All that mattered to either of them now…they were holding in each other's arms.
All that mattered was what they wanted.
And what they wanted…
…was each other.
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say
To Be Continued…
Next: Empty Places- Part 1…Buffy struggles with getting her friends and allies to trust her as the End of Days draws near; The First Evil makes yet another move to rock Sunnydale to its core. And as Angel and his mysterious new weapon connect with each other, he finds himself facing his first real test at the hands of the First Evil's minions. Can Angel survive?
A/N: The next chapter will be much longer, but I felt like this particular moment needed a stand-alone chapter. Cordelia and Xander are both pretty messed up right now. They're both a little bruised, and more than a little broken...yet they seemingly have found comfort in each other once more. But this is Sunnydale, where romance rates are outpaced by its murder rates. Can their rekindled romance last, or is it doomed to fail as The Awakening looms? And where does Anya stand in all of this? I guess we'll see. ;)
More to come soon! Please read and review!
Later!
Best,
Jean-theGuardian
