Content warning for discussions of suicide; just consider this a blanket warning for the rest of the fic.
Chapter 18: Sleep
Consciousness hit her hard the next morning. Hanako stared at the wall, eyes half-lidded to soothe her throbbing headache, and ran through each of yesterday's events one by one. Remembering each loss hurt, like exploring the gap of a freshly-removed tooth. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Ibuki's body hanging above the stage. Mikan's expression when she finally snapped. The pills melting on the floor.
She couldn't bring herself to cry. Everything inside felt hollow and raw. Her stomach hurt.
Gingerly, she rolled over, wanting a break from the sunlight streaming through the window. She jolted when she realized she wasn't alone.
Hajime was asleep, precariously balanced on the stool with his head leaning against the supply cabinet. His face looked different—younger, more relaxed. The sight made her heart clench, and she pulled the blanket up over her face.
He was going to be angry with her when he woke up. She couldn't blame him. It wasn't fair to put him through another death, another trial, so soon after three people had died. But she hadn't planned on being around to see his grief.
She pressed a fist to her stomach. If she hadn't been so drunk she could have planned things out better. None of the other blackened had been caught in the act, and she'd even had the advantage of being her own victim. If she wanted to try again, she would have to be smart about it.
There was a commotion out in the hallway, the sound of footsteps and agitated voices. Hanako suppressed a groan and threw the blanket off her face.
Well, that's it for my privacy. With a resigned sigh, she pushed herself into a sitting position.
The door burst open, startling Hajime awake, and the others flooded in with a chorus of questions.
"Yukimura!"
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"Did you also catch the Despair Disease?"
Hanako grimaced, her temples throbbing at the onslaught of noise. "Can you all please—" She cut herself off with a scream.
Standing in the doorway behind the group was a hulking mass of metal in the shape of a person, staring at her with two glowing eyes and a wide, silvery grin.
Instead of recoiling in terror, the others glanced at the metal monster and began talking over each other again.
"What the fuck?" Hanako yelled, just to make sure she was reading the situation correctly. It had to be another one of the robots Monokuma had used to threaten them on their first day, but it made no move to attack.
"Long time no see, Yukimura," the robot said, its voice tinny like it was coming from a speaker, but familiar at the same time. "You feeling all right?"
"Oh yeah, Nidai came back as a robot," Kazuichi said, like he was talking about a new haircut. "We all saw him last night, but you, uh, ran off."
"You fled like a shadow slips into the gloom of midnight," Gundham said. "Are we to assume you fell ill during the trial?"
Hanako was still reeling from the fact that apparently Nekomaru was now a fucking robot, but everyone was looking expectantly at her. She cast a questioning glance at Chiaki, who gave her a small shake of her head.
Her hands fisted in the bedsheets. She didn't tell them. She made me throw up the pills and she brought everyone here and she didn't even have the courtesy to explain why.
She resisted the urge to shrink against the wall. If they all knew the truth, they wouldn't let her have a second to herself. They'd all freak out, except…
Hanako almost laughed. This day was starting out more fucked up than she could have imagined.
"I got wasted last night and puked my guts out," she said, focusing her gaze on the corner of the doorframe. "Don't ask where I got the booze because I'm not sharing. Hinata and Nanami found me and brought me here."
She tensed, waiting for either of them to challenge her story, but Chiaki only lowered her gaze. Hajime watched her silently, one hand gripping the stool he was sitting on.
"I know last night was difficult for you," Sonia said, her brow creased in sympathy. "Please let us know if there is anything we can do to support you."
"Yeah," Fuyuhiko said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "You don't have to go through this shit alone."
Hanako tried not to flinch. He knew, maybe better than anyone else, the kind of pain she was in. If she looked now and saw the understanding in his eye, there was a good chance she would break down then and there.
Instead, she spoke past the lump in her throat. "I know. I know I can't do this alone."
She sent Nagito a brief, meaningful glance before looking away.
She wouldn't even think about putting her life in his hands.
But her death was a different matter.
"Well then, we should definitely leave you to rest," Nekomaru said, and she suppressed a wince. If that was actually him in that robotic body, he still hadn't learned how to lower his voice. "And remember to stay hydrated."
"Nidai is right. There is also a new island to explore. We will investigate it today and let you know if we find anything important." Sonia shot her a reassuring smile.
Fuyuhiko cast her a concerned glance as he followed the others out the door, leaving only Hajime in the room with her. He shifted on his stool with a sigh.
"I guess we should talk about last night."
"Let's not do that." Hanako drew her knees up to her chest and focused her gaze on a dust bunny in the corner of the room. Mikan never would have tolerated something like that. The thought stung her like a needle. "I just want to get some sleep."
"How do I know you're not going to try something once I leave?"
Her shoulders rose a fraction. "Is that it, then? You're just gonna stay here until I realize life is worth living or some shit? I'll starve myself to death if you try that."
"Yukimura—"
"Just leave me alone. Please." She lay down and turned her back to him.
Silence swelled in the room. She glared at the wall, fighting back tears, until she heard the stool creak. The door closed, and as she listened to Hajime's footsteps retreating down the hall, an ache throbbed in her chest.
I didn't want him to stay, she told herself, and dug her nails into her arm until the tears subsided. She managed to calm herself down just as the door opened again.
"You seemed like you wanted something from me," Nagito said.
Gingerly, she sat up and turned to face him. She was fully aware she was doing something stupid, that she was playing with fire. That just didn't matter as much as it used to.
"Wanna plan a murder with me?"
He blinked, then his eyes lit up.
"I'm honored that you would finally take me up on my offer! What did you have in mind?"
She frowned, a little caught off guard that he was being so receptive after she'd nearly knocked his teeth out yesterday.
"I mean, I'm not great with planning shit, so that's why I'm asking for your help." She took a deep breath, irritated at the buzz of nerves in her stomach. This felt like a weird, fucked up version of asking someone out. "I guess my only criteria would be something relatively quick and painless. I can take one, leave the other. And I don't want the others to get screwed over during the trial. They need to be able to, you know. Figure out the culprit."
"That won't be an issue." Nagito's eyes were bright, like he was genuinely excited about the conversation. "With their combined talents, I'm sure they'll reach the right conclusion."
"Right." She resisted the urge to fidget. There was no telling whether he would actually respect her wishes for a decent death. She was more worried about the twisted game he would try to play during the investigation and the trial, the way he had been pulling the strings after Byakuya's murder.
Monokuma had warned her about this very thing, and that was before she had gotten the craziest person on the island involved.
Nagito tilted his head, as if he could read the doubt on her face. "Of course, if you really want the others to succeed, you'll always be able to reveal the truth to them."
She swallowed. "You mean like leaving a note?"
"I suppose you could write down your confession if that's easier."
Confession? She held her hands up. "Just to be clear, I'm asking you to murder me."
"Ah." His smile faded. "How disappointing. I'm guessing you didn't just get drunk last night. Did Hinata and Nanami stop you from committing suicide?"
Hanako tensed. She felt just as transparent as the pane of glass behind her. "What happened last night doesn't matter. Are you going to help me or not?"
"Is this really where your hope ends, Yukimura?" His voice soured into something almost condescending. "You have an incredible opportunity before you. If you were choosing to escape with someone else's murder, that would be one thing, but—"
"I don't care how you fit it into your stupid fucking ideology," she spat. "Are you going to kill me or not?"
Nagito paused like he was considering her words. She knew he was faking it. "Unfortunately, I'm no longer interested. I wish you the best of luck, though."
He turned towards the door before she could yell at him to get out, then paused.
"In a way, I'm actually glad you asked for my help with your murder. You could have just tried again once we all left for the fourth island, but you decided to complicate things. I don't think you're all that surprised I ended up refusing."
He turned his head just enough that she could see the very edge of his smile.
"Could it be that a part of you still wants to live?"
"You don't know what you're fucking talking about." Hanako clutched her pillow with one hand. She didn't have anything heavier within reach. "Get out."
Part of her was itching for a fight, but Nagito only shrugged and left the room.
With a sigh, she flopped back onto the bed and winced at the pain in her stomach. She dug the heels of her hands into her eyes and counted backwards from ten.
Could it be that a part of you still wants to live?
"Shut the hell up," she muttered, as if Nagito could still hear her.
She'd made up her mind. Yesterday had proved her greatest fears to be reality. Everyone she cared about was either going to die or stab her in the back, and she was sick of waiting around for another person to let her down.
Nagito was right. She would have another chance while the others explored the new island. She could still make this easy for herself.
The door slammed open, startling her bad enough that her whole body seized. She sat up and glared at the intruder.
"Jesus, can you knock?"
Hajime stood in the doorway, his whole body rigid. Hanako realized this was the first time she'd ever seen him actually angry. Even during the most tense moments in the trials, he'd never been like this.
"Did you ask Komaeda to kill you?" he demanded.
Her eyes widened. "He told you?"
"I noticed he didn't leave with the rest of us, so I waited for him outside. He told me everything."
She sighed and dragged a hand over her face. "That's what I get for trusting Komaeda."
Hajime ignored her. "How the hell could you ask for something like that?"
"It's none of your business. I told you to leave me the fuck alone."
"So you can drag us into another murder trial? Are you really that selfish?"
"Yeah, I am." She let out a bitter, incredulous laugh, and jabbed a finger at him. "And you don't get to talk. You don't get to just keep me around because it makes you feel better." Despite her best efforts, her voice wavered. "I had a chance to get out. I had a real fucking chance, and you and Nanami took that away from me!"
"We saved your life. The rest of us haven't given up hope that we're going to get off this island."
"You sound like Komaeda," she said, and he flinched.
"That's not why I'm doing this. I—"
"I was going to kill someone before yesterday," she said, and his mouth snapped shut. "I'm not fucking delusional like the rest of you. I knew the only way we would get a cure for the Despair Disease would be another kill." Her eyes were stinging, and she dug her nails into her palm. "I was going to sacrifice myself to get everyone else out of that mess. And I waited too long. If I'd just gone through with it, Ibuki would still be alive."
Hajime shook his head. "What happened wasn't your fault."
"Don't say that. You were there too, and you didn't do anything." Her voice wavered, and she tightened her fist. "So don't do anything now. If you stop me today, I will never forgive you for the rest of my short, miserable life."
He looked at her like he didn't even recognize her. It was the same expression he'd worn when Nagito had broken down during the first trial—grief laced with betrayal. It took everything in her not to break.
"Do what you want, then," Hajime said quietly, and slammed the door on his way out.
Hanako flinched at the noise, even though she'd been expecting it, and let out a slow, shaky breath. Gingerly, she uncurled her fingers.
Her nails had left four dark red welts in her palm. One of them was filling with blood. She lay down and traced the marks with her eyes, counting them over and over again.
Monokuma scared her out of a half-doze that afternoon.
Hanako bolted upright, suppressing a wince as pain shot through her stomach. She shot a wide-eyed glare at the bear standing at the foot of the bed.
"What the fuck? Can't you fucking knock or something?"
"Ai, my ears. You got a real mouth on you for a teenager." Monokuma reached up to rub at his ears. It would have been cute if he weren't a murderous psychopath. "Anywho, you wouldn't have been surprised if you hadn't been lazing around. What are you even doing in the hospital, anyway?"
There was no way he didn't know about what had happened in the music venue last night. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of saying it out loud.
"Do I really need to spell it out for you?" he continued when she didn't respond. "A hospital is for sick people. And that doesn't include being sick in the head. Got it?"
"Fine." She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up, ignoring the wave of dizziness that passed over her. "I'll go back to my fucking cottage."
"Not so fast." Monokuma hopped off the bed and stood between her and the door. "You have to go meet up with the others on the fourth island."
Hanako stopped short. "I have to?"
He ignored the dangerous undercurrent in her voice. "Let's just say I have a little activity planned that requires everyone's participation."
A chill shot down her spine. The next motive.
She took a deep breath and tried to keep her voice steady. "And what if I say no? You gonna blow me up like you did to Nidai?"
"I am sorely tempted." Monokuma tapped his paw against his chin. "But something tells me that wouldn't be a very good motivator for you. If I shot something at your friends, however…"
She tensed. "You're not allowed to do that."
His grin widened. "Wanna bet?"
"No," she hissed through her teeth. "I'll go, okay?"
She sidestepped Monokuma and left the room. She didn't let herself look as she passed the supply closet. The scalpels were still in there. She'd thought about little else in the past few hours. So why hadn't she gotten out of bed and taken one?
Nagito's knowing smile flashed in her mind's eye, and she clenched her jaw. She would see whatever twisted thing Monokuma had planned for them, and then she would go. If anything, the motive would serve as a reminder of why she didn't want to stay in the first place.
The pain in her stomach grew as she crossed the bridge to the central island. The sunlight made her head hurt too, and her mouth was uncomfortably dry. Maybe she'd find a place on the new island to at least drink some water. She'd be useless to herself if she had no energy left.
A burst of color greeted her as she crossed the bridge to the fourth island. A white concrete castle with blue accents dominated the center, surrounded by roller coaster rails and a ferris wheel. It was an amusement park, though it was just as eerily quiet and empty as the other islands.
Ibuki would have loved this place. She would have grabbed Hanako's hand and raced from the roller coaster to the cotton candy to the carnival games. She'd always known how to make new things fun, and it had been easier not to dwell on the fact that each island held an empty promise of escape. It had been so easy to pretend that things were okay with her.
The grief hit her like a blow to the chest. Maybe, if their places had been exchanged, Ibuki would have still found a way to enjoy this island. She would have been a bright spot for the group, not the stain Hanako had made herself.
Not for long, she told herself, because it was the only thought that didn't make her want to collapse. Meet with the others, then go back to the bridge and jump off. Just make this fucking easy.
After wandering past a row of carnival games and a vandalized building decorated like a woodland cottage, she heard the sound of voices and followed them to a small train station. The others were standing next to a red engine with Monokuma's face plastered on the front.
Chiaki noticed her first, and her eyebrows lifted. "Yukimura?"
"The hell are you doing here?" Fuyuhiko asked.
"What happened to resting?" Nekomaru added.
"Ask Monokuma," she responded dully.
"Alright, alright, you've wasted enough of the day taking your sweet time getting here." Monokuma clapped his hands together. "All aboard, everyone."
Ignoring the perturbed looks from the others, Hanako made her way to the car at the very back of the train and slipped inside. Hajime didn't so much as look at her as he took a seat next to Chiaki near the front.
It's better this way, she told herself, scraping at the skin beneath her fingernails. It'll be easier on him if he's angry with me.
"Ah, it looks like the other seats have been taken." The car shifted slightly as Nagito climbed into the seat next to her. "I hope you don't mind if I sit here."
"Don't talk to me," Hanako said, and for once he obliged.
The train lurched forward, rattling into a barely-lit concrete tunnel. Monokuma's shrill voice blared through the speakers, instructing them to keep their arms and legs inside the vehicle.
Something hissed in the darkness. Hydraulics, Hanako guessed, for whatever kind of ride this was.
She breathed in, and the air stung the back of her throat. A thick fog settled over her brain. Her next coherent thought congealed slowly, painstakingly.
He just gassed us with sedatives.
The others were coughing too, their panicked voices blurring together. Hanako pulled her shirt up over her mouth and nose and stood up. The floor tilted beneath her feet. She grabbed the railing on the side of the train to steady herself and stumbled off the vehicle. Her shoes hit cold concrete. The ground slammed into her a moment later.
I wonder if you could overdose on this, she thought hazily before she was pulled into the void.
I count this chapter as the real start of the Hanako-Nagito dynamic, and I am so excited to write more of their dumpster fire interactions.
I intended this second half of the story to be a sort of response to Taka's Chapter 3 arc in THH. I feel like Danganronpa doesn't do as much as I would like with their grieving characters and Taka came close to something really interesting before he got the big bonk.
This chapter is titled after Sleep by My Chemical Romance, I nice angsty chaser to last chapter. Next chapter will be strawberry-scented.
