Warning for vomiting in this chapter.

Chapter 22: Where the Boats Go

It was dark inside the hospital room. The lights were off, and there was no moonlight coming through the blackened panes of glass. She could only rely on her other senses to pick up the labored, wheezing breathing. The damp bedsheets sticking to her legs. Warm skin against hers, slick with sweat. With blood.

A slamming noise jarred her awake.

Hanako lifted her head a fraction, stars spiraling through her vision. She strained her ears, but she could only hear the pounding of her own heart.

It sounded like something heavy had fallen. She couldn't fathom what could have made that noise. Sometime in the middle of pondering the issue, she drifted off again.

The next sound that woke her was gentler, a low, rhythmic knock. She hid her face when the door opened.

"Yukimura, it's five till seven. We need to get going," Hajime's weary voice sounded from the doorway.

She let out a small groan of protest. It felt like a miracle that the two of them had made it down to their bedrooms yesterday. The thought of doing anything more strenuous than standing upright made her want to sink into the floor.

Footsteps shuffled towards her. "Come on. I don't have the energy to lift you up."

Hanako finally lifted her head. "You'd carry me?"

Hajime's shoulders lifted in an approximation of a shrug. "Well, I can't, so."

He'd told her she didn't have to die alone. That was the only thing she had left to hold onto.

She did it in steps, lifting herself on one elbow, on one hand, sitting up straight, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Despite what he'd said earlier, Hajime helped her through the final step, pulling her arm until she was standing. They leaned on each other as they made their way down the hallway and the stairs.

Chiaki was in the lobby with Sonia, looking even sleepier than usual.

"I really don't think you could eat the walls here," she was saying as the two of them approached.

"Ah, but they certainly smell like food, do they not?" Sonia said, an almost manic glint in her eyes. "Not to mention these grapes look somewhat realistic."

"Where's Owari?" Hajime asked.

"She's getting dressed, I think. She said she would be right behind us," Chiaki replied.

"Should we go get some water from the bathroom before we kill ourselves doing tai chi?" Hanako muttered.

"I don't think we have time. Monokuma told us not to be late." Hajime tightened his grip on her shoulder, and the four of them shuffled down the hall towards the tower door. Hajime gave the button a half-hearted slap.

"You guys ever heard of a die-in?" Hanako said as they waited for the door to open.

"It is a well-documented form of protest," Sonia said, and Hanako was relieved to hear something sane come out of her mouth. "They are most effective when obstructing areas of high traffic."

"I'm thinking if we all just lie down on the floor…"

The door opened, and the rest of her sentence died in her throat.

The tower floor was a mess, littered with pieces of stone and metal. Hanako wondered if this was another fucked up exercise orchestrated by Monokuma, but then Sonia let out a horrified gasp, and she realized it wasn't scrap metal on the floor. They were fragments of limbs and clothing.

Pieces of Nekomaru.

"Oh my god." She pressed a hand to her mouth. The floor felt like it was shifting beneath her feet. She probably would have staggered if she hadn't already been holding on to Hajime.

Nekomaru's head was detached from his body, his mouth frozen in a scream. There was wire wrapped around his torso, pinning his arms to his sides. One of the legs of his sweatpants was stretched oddly, pulled out of shape where his leg had been torn off at the hip. Blue oil pooled beneath him.

It wasn't at all like seeing a human corpse. Hanako still thought she might vomit.

The monitor chimed, and they listened to the body discovery announcement in breathless silence.

"It happened again," Chiaki whispered. "No matter what I do, it keeps happening."

"Hey, what's going on in there?"

They all spun around at the sound of Akane's voice. Her gaze moved past them to the mess on the tower floor, and Hanako could pinpoint the exact moment she realized what she was looking at.

Hajime stepped forward, hands held out. "Owari, wait."

"Move," Akane said, her voice unrecognizable.

"Just—"

"Move." She shoved him aside, hard enough to make him stumble into the wall, and ran into the tower.

She fell to her knees next to Nekomaru's head and cradled it in her lap as if it were made of glass. Her eyes flickered from his head to his body, like she was trying to make sense of the fact that they were separated.

"I never paid you back," she whispered, eyes filling with tears. "I never made it up to you."

As Akane burst into tears, Hanako realized she was crying too. It was just like being on that stage again, holding Ibuki's hand and hoping against hope that she would open her eyes. There was something crushing about seeing that same pain on Akane's face and knowing there was nothing she could do about it because Nekomaru was gone, he'd been killed and one of them was responsible and she'd waited too long again, she'd been too much of a coward and an idiot to put her own life on the line and now they were standing around the body of someone who hadn't deserved it.

Akane looked up, her breath choppy with sobs, and her gaze landed on the heavy black mallet lying on the floor.

"Someone did this." She sniffled and blinked away her tears. "That's what the announcement means, right? Someone murdered Nekomaru?"

The ferocity in her voice was enough to make Hanako shrink back, even though she knew she had nothing to do with the murder. She dreaded finding out who was going to be on the receiving end of her rage.

"Well, Owari, for once you're asking the right questions."

Monokuma waltzed into the room, and Akane turned her ferocious glare on him.

"All right, let's get the formalities out of the way. You can find the Monokuma File for this case in your eHandbooks. Oh, and I brought you a little present since the murder went off without a hitch. I don't want you kids to starve before the trial starts."

He produced a red bean bun and a bottle of milk for each of them. The milk was cold, the glass bottle slick with condensation. When the smell of sweet bread reached her nose, Hanako realized she hadn't felt hungry once since stepping inside the Funhouse.

Akane's fist closed around the plastic package she'd been given as she stared down Monokuma. "Fine. I'll eat so I can get my strength back and get justice for Nekomaru. I'm gonna tear the killer limb from limb, and then I'm coming after you."

Monokuma looked unimpressed. "We'll see how that goes, I guess. So long, you little rascals."

As soon as he was gone, the others dug into their food. Akane finished her bun in three ravenous bites, then looked up at Hanako's unopened package. Wordlessly, Hanako held it out to her. It felt like nothing, like the flimsiest condolence, but it was all she had to give.

Akane grabbed it from her, ripped open the plastic, then hesitated. She shoved it back towards her.

"You gotta eat too, Yukimura. You don't look so good."

"Is everything okay?" Hajime asked, and even though she wasn't looking at him, she could feel his worried gaze on her.

Hanako looked down at the bun. Her insides felt so knotted with pain she didn't know if there was even room for food. "This is gonna sound crazy, but I'm not hungry."

"You should still eat. You could barely stand up earlier."

"Okay." She accepted the food and knelt, making sure to face away from Nekomaru's body.

She half-hoped after the first bite, her appetite would come back to her, but it took a force of will to eat. The red bean bun was sticky on her tongue, sickly-sweet, and the milk ran thick down her throat.

The others examined the wreckage, taking in the state of Nekomaru's body and the debris around him. Now that she had a moment to look around more carefully, Hanako realized the stone pieces were from one of the pillars near the entrance, which had been tipped on its side. She remembered the slamming she'd heard last night. What time had that been? How long had Nekomaru been lying here while the rest of them slept?

"Where are the boys from Strawberry House?" Chiaki asked. "They should at least have come here for Monokuma Tai Chi, but they would have heard the body discovery announcement too, right?"

They're dead, whispered a dark, despairing corner of Hanako's mind, and she nearly flinched.

"We can use the phone in the lounge to check up on them," Hajime said.

"I'll come with you," Chiaki said, then glanced at the others.

"I will remain here," Sonia said. "Please let me know if Gundham and the others are all right."

"Okay. We shouldn't be long." She waved goodbye, and the two of them left the tower.

Hanako turned to Akane, who hadn't moved from Nekomaru's side. She was staring down at his mangled body with the same lost expression she'd worn after he'd been shot.

"Hey," she said softly. "You wanna wait out in the hallway? We don't have to—"

"I'm staying here."

Hanako opened her mouth to argue, then hesitated. Would it be right to pull Akane away from the crime scene? That was what Hajime had done for her, but she'd been such a mess she still wasn't sure what she'd really needed in that moment. She knew exactly what kind of pain Akane was feeling in the moment, but that didn't make her any better at handling it.

"Owari," Sonia said, "is there anything we can do for you right now?"

"We just gotta find the killer," Akane said, her voice almost a growl. "I don't really wanna hear from you guys unless you have some sort of clue."

Sonia cleared her throat, smoothed her skirt, and went to examine the strawberry-patterned door at the other end of the room.

Hanako drew her knees to her chest, idly rotating her empty milk bottle with one hand. "Owari."

"What?"

"We're gonna find who did this. I just want you to know that it's not gonna make you feel better. It'll probably hurt more once you know who it is."

"I still gotta make things right for Nekomaru," she said, her gaze focused on his dimmed eyes. "I couldn't make it up to him while he was alive, so I gotta do the next best thing."

"I get it," she whispered, feeling her eyes grow damp. She'd missed her chance to save Ibuki, missed her chance to get revenge, and everything she'd done to pay for it still didn't feel like enough. At some point, it had stopped feeling like a mercy that she'd survived this long.

Akane finally looked at her, her eyes widening slightly. "Yeah. I guess you do."

"I wish I could do more than that." She blinked rapidly to clear her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," she replied, her voice hardening again. "We're even, remember?"

Hanako almost laughed. If their positions were reversed, she might have said the same thing.

"Forget that shit. I'll still help you even if we're square."

Her shoulders dropped. "Yeah. Fine."

She wasn't sure how long it took for the door to open again, but when Hajime and Chiaki returned, it was with the other half of the group in tow.

"The fuck took you guys so long?" Hanako asked.

"Elevator was broken. Souda had to fix it," Fuyuhiko said, sending a brief glance in Nekomaru's direction before looking over her and Akane in turn. "You guys okay?"

Hanako glanced at Akane, who was pushing herself to her feet, then gave him a small shake of her head.

"Did you guys find any more clues?" Akane asked.

"A little more, yeah," Hajime said. "Now that the elevator is fixed, maybe we can go to Strawberry House and—"

"Are you saying you're finished investigating here?" Nagito asked. "It looks like you've overlooked something important."

Chiaki's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

He crossed his arms. There was something cold in his expression that Hanako didn't like. "I'm referring to Nidai's autopsy."

"But Tsumiki is no longer with us," Sonia said, "and I'm not sure how well her skills would translate to examining a…a robot."

"But we have a mechanic, don't we?" Nagito said, speaking with an infuriating slowness. "Souda, didn't you say earlier that you were interested in taking Nidai apart?"

"N-Not like this," Kazuichi said, growing pale.

Akane's hands tightened into fists. "Hey, hasn't Nekomaru been through enough already?"

Nagito raised an eyebrow. "But this is an examination to help find the killer, right? Unless you don't care about that."

She faltered. "I—"

"If you're too dull to help with the investigation, the very least you can do is stay out of the way."

Hanako stood, ignoring the way her legs nearly gave out beneath her. "The fuck did you just say to her?"

Nagito met her stare. "Do I need to repeat myself? It's not like you've contributed much in the past, either."

"I heard you just fine, and I think you need to watch your fucking mouth." She wished her footsteps were steadier as she closed the distance between them.

"Are you going to punch me again?" He looked almost bored. She hadn't realized until now that he was taller than her, and the way he was looking down his nose at her only made her temper flare. "You really are quite predictable."

Hajime stepped in between them, forcing them both back a step. "That's enough. We're wasting time here."

Nagito regarded him with an unnerving coldness, then looked away. "Souda, are you just going to stand there?"

"Alright, fine." Kazuichi gritted his teeth. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'll try and make this quick."

"What the fuck is up with him?" Hanako muttered as Nagito walked away. "He's being a totally different brand of dick today."

"I don't know," Hajime replied, watching him with a furrowed brow. "I thought…"

"What?"

"Never mind." He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. We don't have time to worry about someone like him."

Hanako opened her mouth to press the subject, then thought better of it. There were more dangerous things in their future. The best they could hope for in the coming hours was one more death. One of the people in this room wouldn't be walking out with them tonight.

The thought made her seize with fear, like she was in free fall. Before Hajime could walk away, she reached out and touched his arm.

He turned and waited for her to speak, but the words wouldn't come.

"I know," he said quietly. "I feel it too."

She nodded at the understanding in his voice.

Maybe that was all any of them would be able to give each other.


Hanako was still in a haze when the trial ended. Hajime explained the crime step by step. Gundham confessed to Nekomaru's murder. Monokuma confirmed their verdict. Everything still felt unreal, the garish colors of the trial room blending together at the edges of her vision. She wished, not for the first time, that she hadn't made it this far. That she wouldn't have to see what came next.

"Why did you do it?" Akane growled, hands gripping the wood railing in front of her. "And I don't want to hear any of your magic mumbo-jumbo this time."

Gundham met her glare with an imperious look. "I see very little to be gained by asking he who has lost the battle to speak of his defeat, but I will correct one thing. You say I surprised Nidai and incapacitated him without giving him a chance to fight back. This is not true. He fought me and lost, and that is why he died."

Akane's eyes widened. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Her whole body was tensed like she was preparing to leap towards him. Hanako knew she wouldn't have the strength to stop her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to.

"Nidai sensed my killing intent soon after I stepped into the tower, and he accepted my challenge. He had a chance to flee, to call for help, but he did neither." Gundham smiled. "It was a narrow victory on my part. Had I been the one to die, I imagine the mystery I created would have become even more convoluted."

"But why would you engage in such a fight in the first place?" Sonia asked, voice sharp like there was still a way to argue out of this. "Even if both of you agreed to it, it was still wrong. Why would you kill someone who is supposed to be your friend?"

Gundham's expression softened a fraction as he looked at her. "I will not force my philosophy upon any of you. But I must say this: What is the point of living if you're just waiting to die? Where is the courage in that?"

He turned his gaze to Hanako, and her body went cold, like the blood had drained from her veins.

"Giving up on life and choosing death is nothing but a blasphemy towards life. It is a violation of the natural order. It is the arrogance of humanity, a folly of individualism. Humans are communal creatures, same as any other animal. They are meant to cooperate, to share, to feed each other, even if it comes from their own flesh."

Akane slammed her hands on the barrier. "You seriously think all that stuff justifies what you did to Nekomaru?"

"If he did not hold those same ideals, he would not have agreed to our battle," Gundham replied, and Akane went still. "That man had the courage to die when he needed to die. Yet as I said, I will not force my philosophy upon any of you. The truth is, I betrayed you all. I suppose it is still a better fate than starving to death."

Hanako bit her lip. Her skin felt like the brittlest glass, transparent and fragile.

That man had the courage to die when he needed to die.

Could it be that you still want to live?

"Tanaka," Chiaki said quietly. "You created a really complicated plan to hide your murder. We almost didn't figure out it was you. But when the time came, you admitted to it without much resistance."

Hajime took in a short, sharp breath. "Did you sacrifice yourself for our sakes?"

Gundham's smile went crooked for the briefest of moments before he drew himself to his full height. "How preposterous. To think that an Overlord of Ice would trade his life for the sake of a group of mortals…it is utter foolishness. Now, let us cease this talk. It is time for the true fun to begin. Monokuma?"

Monokuma stopped pretending to nap and sat up. "What, are you kids finished gabbing? Is it punishment time?"

"Please wait," Sonia said, tears streaming down her face. "Do not do this, Monokuma, I beg of you."

"Sonia," Gundham said. "An act as unrefined as preventing a man from going to his death does not befit a noble such as yourself."

She quieted her sob with her hand and nodded once.

"I shall see you all in hell, when the time comes." Gundham looked at them all with bright eyes, a wide, fierce grin on his face. "Farewell, my beloved, deadly foes!"

With one last flourish of his coat, he stalked through the double doors and out of the room.

Hanako watched his execution through her own tears. When the screen faded to black, silence swelled in the room, broken only by their hitched, unsteady breathing.

And the patter of tiny steps on the floor.

Sonia hastily dried her face and bent down. She straightened with Gundham's hamsters in her arms.

"Gundham is right," she said, cradling them to her chest. "We must continue to do our best and keep on living. If we do not, I fear he will crawl his way out of hell and be very cross with us."

"Yeah," Hanako said, her own voice on the verge of cracking. "He made some pretty good points, there. And I don't think he or Nidai would want their sacrifice to go to waste. We have to honor that."

Hajime looked up as she spoke, and she shot him a bittersweet smile.

"Well, then let's keep going," Akane said, her voice gradually regaining its strength. "How about we go back to the hotel and eat as much as we want?"

"That sounds like a good plan," Hajime said, and they all drifted towards the elevator.

Hanako realized how heavily she'd been leaning on the barrier in front of her. She pushed herself away from the podium and took a few steps towards the others. Her legs shook. She fell to her knees and vomited.

"Yukimura!"

Her ears were ringing. It felt as if all her leftover strength had been sapped from her limbs. She might have pitched forward face-first into her own sick if Hajime hadn't grabbed her shoulders to keep her upright.

Clumsily, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and tried to remember which way gravity was supposed to go.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Hajime pulled her against his chest, steadying her. "We'll get you to the hospital."

"I'm not going back to that fucking hospital." She tried unsuccessfully to sit up on her own. "My stomach's probably just not used to food yet."

Hajime lowered his voice. "Are you sure it's not…?"

The last solid thing that had been in her stomach had been way too many pills. How many had dissolved before she'd thrown them up?

She shook her head to dispel the thought, then regretted it as her head throbbed.

"I'll be fine. I just need to take it slow."

"Of course," Sonia said. The others were looking down at her with concern. "We can take our time going back to the hotel."

"Screw that." Akane stepped in front of her, back turned, and crouched down. "Come on."

"Seriously?"

"Hey, the faster we get back, the faster we can all start eating."

Hanako knew better than to argue. She'd once seen Akane cross the restaurant in less than two seconds to grab the last piece of tempura. She doubted a few days of starvation would keep her from a full meal.

With shaky limbs, she pushed herself up and climbed onto Akane's back. "Just take it easy, okay?"

Akane scoffed and straightened. "I bet I can make it back before the rest of you slowpokes."

"I don't think that's what she meant," Hajime said as they all entered the elevator.

As soon as they reached the surface, Akane took off anyway. The cool night air was refreshing for about five seconds before her nausea returned full force. Hanako squeezed her eyes shut and tried to be grateful that Akane was at least a quick runner.

They were both breathing hard and covered and sweat by the time they reached the restaurant. Akane deposited her at the top of the stairs and stretched her arms above her head with a whoop.

"I really worked up an appetite there. I'm gonna be able to eat even more, now."

Hanako considered sprawling on the floor and not moving, ever, then reluctantly pushed herself up. She didn't need the others worrying about her more than they already were. She dragged herself to a chair and sat as Akane emerged from the kitchen with an already half-empty plate. She wanted to put her head down and go to sleep. She settled for pressing an empty glass to her sweaty neck, hoping the chill would keep her awake for a while.

The rest of the group arrived a minute later, their voices growing more animated as they carried more food from the kitchen to the table. It seemed Nagito hadn't elected to join them, and Hanako was grateful to not have to deal with his rancid, condescending attitude anymore.

She propped her head in her hand and watched the others take their seats. Sonia set aside a handful of seeds and leafy greens for Gundham's hamsters before she touched her own food. Chiaki was tossing bits of food across the table at Hajime, goading him to try and catch it with his mouth. Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi were helping Akane cut up a particularly large piece of meat.

Hanako looked at each of their faces in turn. At her six reasons to keep living. She felt that familiar lump in her throat, the one that meant she was about to cry, but for once it didn't feel like it would hurt. There was warmth, not pain, in her chest.

Fuyuhiko glanced at her and frowned. "You're not eating?"

"Not sure if it'll stay down," she said. "I'll try again tomorrow."

"Hey, try something easier on your stomach." Akane tossed a banana in her direction.

Hanako caught it, surprised Akane had taken the time to give it to her. She usually didn't talk at all while she was eating, and that was when they weren't going several days without food.

Even though her appetite was gone, she peeled the banana and nibbled on it while she observed the others. She caught Kazuichi looking at her and pushed the banana into her mouth as far as it would go. He choked so hard water came out his nose, and Akane thumped him on the back. Hanako laughed, and it felt surprisingly good, like she'd gotten rid of an ache she didn't know she had.

When was the last time they had all done something like this, just hung out without it being cut short by some kind of tragedy? The only thing she could think of was the tea party Mahiru had organized. It stung, how much she'd taken that day for granted.

I wish Ibuki was here, she thought, and the pain was back like it had never left. I wish we'd had more time.

She looked across the table at Sonia, who was stroking one of the hamsters with her index finger. Seeing the quiet grief on her face was like looking into a mirror. Hanako nudged her foot under the table to get her attention. She nodded once, hoping her eyes would convey what she couldn't put into words.

Sonia's composure wavered. "Does it get easier, at all?" she asked, so softly her words were nearly inaudible.

"I don't know," she said. "If it does, I haven't reached that point yet. But I think it would be worse if I was alone."

Sonia reached across the table, took her free hand, and squeezed it. "You are not alone. We are all here to support each other."

"Thanks." She looked down at their joined hands. "And you know that goes both ways. I know I don't have any right to say this after the way I've been acting, but I'm, you know, here for you."

"That means a great deal to me."

Hanako nodded and looked away so Sonia could dry her eyes in private.

Once they'd had a chance to eat their fill, the usual post-trial weariness settled over them. Chiaki had already dozed off in her seat, and Kazuichi managed to keep her from falling forward into her empty plate.

"Perhaps we should all retire for the night," Sonia said. "We all need a good night's rest for tomorrow."

"In our own beds, for a change." Fuyuhiko stood and straightened his suit jacket. "Breakfast as usual tomorrow, yeah?"

"Let's stuff our faces tomorrow morning too." Akane leapt to her feet with a grin. "And then we'll get back to work."

What kind of work she was referring to, Hanako wasn't sure. She decided not to dwell on it. She just wanted to live in this safe, happy moment for a little while longer.

She pushed herself to her feet, leaning on her chair for support. She really hoped she could get back to her cottage with her dignity intact. Maybe some sleep would help get her strength back.

Hajime approached her as the others began descending the stairs. "Are you okay walking on your own?"

"Yeah." She took a few careful steps towards the stairs. "I'm not some old grandma."

"I could always get you a cane or something."

"Sure. It'll make it easier to smack you upside the head." Her balance teetered as she started down the steps, and Hajime grabbed her arm to steady her. "I'm fine, seriously."

"Are you gonna fall down the stairs trying to prove me wrong?"

"That's the plan."

Hajime shook his head, though she could see a hint of a smile on his face. "Come on. Let me just help you to your cottage."

She told herself it was easier than continuing to argue and leaned on him as they left the restaurant. When they reached her cottage, she stopped, a sense of unreality washing over her. She hadn't thought about it when she'd reached the hotel with Akane, but she hadn't stood here in days.

The last time she'd been in her cottage, she'd still believed Ibuki was alive.

Hajime released her arm but didn't move away. "So, are you good?"

She nodded, shaking off another wave of grief. "I can make it to my front door."

"I wasn't talking about that." He waited until she met his eyes. "Did you mean what you said back there? After the trial?"

"Yeah. I did." She wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm still really scared. I don't know how I would handle another murder, or some other fucked up thing happening. But I don't think I want to die."

"Okay." His voice hitched, and he took a moment to compose himself. "I'm glad."

She looked away. He was worried about her. He cared more than any of the people in her life who were actually supposed to care.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being such a fucking mess." She looked around at the cottages. More than half of them were empty, now. "Like there's not enough of that here."

"It's okay. I don't mind."

You should. Apologizing wouldn't change anything. She was really just asking for reassurance. It was something Mikan would have done.

A bitter taste swelled in her mouth, strong enough to make her stomach turn.

"Forget it. I think I'm a little delirious right now." She started backing away towards her door. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah." His hands fidgeted at his sides, then he waved. "See you."

Hanako mumbled an acknowledgement and pushed open the door to her cottage. As soon as the door was shut, she rushed to the bathroom, collapsed in front of the toilet, and vomited.

This chapter is titled after Where the Boats Go by M83, a melancholy song to send off Nekomaru and Gundham. Gundham's death was the first moment in Danganronpa that made me cry. I know he wasn't in this fic much, but I adore his character and his speech at the end of the trial perfectly dovetails with Hanako's arc at this point in the story.

Also I know I'm probably in the minority in this regard but Chapter 4 was when I started liking Nagito's character, something about him being a huge Bastard Bitch was so much better than him being all self-effacing. I can't wait for him to start blowing things up.