AN: Please feel free to let me know any comments or suggestions you have. I have lots of ideas for this fic and all feedback is appreciated! Thank you and I hope you enjoy!
-MP-
Chapter Two: Tea and Biscuits
The family had spent the week thoroughly enjoying each other's company, Minerva had made sure to spend time with all three of the children like she always did, and she gave them each an individual and thoughtful gift.
She gave Albus a winter set of a hat, gloves and scarf which were all a deep emerald green and emblazoned with the Slytherin emblem. Albus was somewhat self-conscious of being sorted into Slytherin and having the previous head of Gryffindor House give such a supportive gesture gave him a great deal of hope.
Lily had received a set of rare potion ingredients and heavy brass scales, since Minerva had observed her in a potions lesson eagerly playing around with the instructions to create a final product that excelled the original instructions, much to the pleasure of the current potions master Professor Slughorn.
The last gift she had saved for James, they had spent the most time together as she was tutoring him in advanced transfiguration topics. She had brought with her a selection of advanced texts from her own library, as she thought herself no longer needing them and they were better off in the hands of someone else who was just as hungry as she was for knowledge and refinement of their skills.
Unbeknownst to Harry, Minerva had come to the Potters that summer with an agenda. The problem was finding an opportune time to ask Harry the question she had in mind, as she wanted Ginny to be there to support Harry, but thought it best that the children weren't to overhear.
Lily and Albus had gone to visit their cousins at the Weasley house and James took the opportunity to see his girlfriend, leaving Minerva with her chance to grab Ginny and Harry alone to post her question. Ginny and Minerva were lost in a lazy afternoon whilst Harry was still at work in the Auror department. The pair were having a lengthy catch up as well as Minerva giving Ginny some extra tips to push James further with his transfiguration work. But soon enough, a loud crackle emanated from the front garden signalling that Harry was home.
He came through the door and the three exchanged pleasantries. Minerva, smiling brightly, asked the pair if they would like some tea, which they both agreed.
"Ginny dear, would you like sugar?" Asked Minerva, as she moved various objects to the tea tray with her wand.
"Yes, thanks Minerva." Ginny answered back.
Minerva brought the tray to the living room and joined the pair who were already sitting down, Harry was hurriedly filling them in on his day.
"Bloody werewolves again, Ginny!" Harry said loudly, grabbing biscuits from the tray and ramming them in his mouth hungrily.
Minerva seemed surprised. "Again?" Her interest clearly piqued.
"Yes! A few years ago we were having right trouble with a large group in Wales." Harry picked another biscuit up, crumbs splayed out whilst he spoke. "It seems we are having a bit of an uprising on our hands."
Ginny scowled at Harry and his overfull mouth. "You remind me of Ron when you do that." She said scornfully.
Harry laughed. "What's wrong with that?" He quipped, an amused expression all over his face.
Ginny bored her eyes into Harry's, as she got up to get more biscuits from the kitchen. She kept her face stern and leaned in close to Harry to speak in his ear but made no effort to hide her words from Minerva sitting close by. "There's only one of you I want in my bed later." She breathed.
Minerva burst into laughter which was quickly joined by Ginny's chuckling from the kitchen leaving Harry sat red faced swallowing the last of his biscuit. "She's got a point, Potter." bantered Minerva, still giggling.
Once Ginny had returned and their fits of laughter had subsided, the trio had resumed their typical conversation and Minerva decided to seize the opportunity.
She sipped her tea lightly and looked toward Harry as he sat next to Ginny. "Harry, I have something to ask of you."
He looked immediately at Minerva, registering her serious expression even if her focus seemed to be on the tea in her hand rather than him. Ginny seemed to sense this also as he felt her arm tense against his.
"What do you need Minerva?" He asked gently.
Minerva looked up from her tea to meet Harry's gaze, her fingers weaved around her tea cup tightly. "Well since returning to Hogwarts, there has just been certain. Ehm… feelings that have arisen."
Ginny's eyes darted quickly between the pair, and she inhaled slowly, a voice at the back of her head wanted her to stay next to Harry but knew it was better he tackled times like this without her right by his side. She stood up and squeezed his shoulder tenderly, letting him feel her comfort without words before taking her leave of the room.
Harry shuffled awkwardly on his chair, these types of conversation had never been his strong suit which ironically the same could be said for Minerva.
Forcing himself to speak, mirroring Minerva by holding his cup far too tight. "What's going on?"
"I don't know how much Ginny has told you, but when I was headmistress at Hogwarts I couldn't take… I couldn't… I wouldn't…" Her voice shrank as she spoke retreating to an unnervingly quiet tone.
Harry fell silent mulling over what she said, racking his brain for what she was referring to. Then out of nowhere it occurred to him, when she was Headmistress and he visited the school in an official capacity they would never convene in the Headmasters office. At the time he thought it was for convenience instead of something deeper lying behind it, he suddenly felt very stupid for not seeing this sooner.
"We never met in his office, did we?" He asked lightly, trying to downplay what he thought he knew to Minerva.
Minerva sat her cup back down, placing her hands onto her knees. She swallowed hard to steel herself, thinking that if Potter can show so much of himself during his struggles then she ought to try and do the same. "Beyond the night of his death, I couldn't bring myself to be in there… to stand.."
Harry's eyes met hers and finished the sentence before she had the chance to, instinctively knowing what she was about to say as they were once his angry words originally aimed at somebody else "to stand where he stood." He breathed.
Guilt twisted in his stomach, surely his misdirected vitriol towards somebody else hadn't hurt Minerva. That was never his intention. "I never said those words in reference to you."
She furrowed her brow in response, feeling slightly perplexed at Harry's sudden painful expression. "I know." She said, pausing to draw in a sharp inhale of breath. "The sentiment however, rings horribly true."
Harry was silent, stoically fixed on Minerva as he worked through various emotions. The topic they were very much dancing around didn't come to him easily, and it seemed that he and Minerva were very similar on this subject. Making it much more difficult for them both.
Squeezing his eyes tight before refocusing on the elderly witch sitting across from him, he took another biscuit from the tray and spoke to her earnestly, hoping his feelings were being put across adequately enough. "Minerva, I couldn't think of anybody in this world, who could come as close to filling his shoes as you."
She tried to reply immediately but Harry soon interrupted her. "Those words, when I shouted them, were never, ever going to be aimed at you. I was wrong to aim those at Severus too."
He sounded stern, surprising Minerva as it was so alien to the Harry she was familiar with.
"I appreciate all of that Harry, I really do."
She paused thoughtfully, taking on a serious tone before she began to speak. Her face formed a typical forceful nature. "Taking on that role after Albus's death, even though it was the right thing to do, was never going to sit right with me. I would always feel lesser, simply because he wasn't there to guide me." Her eyes became watery, a tear breaking the barrier to slide down her pale face. She sniffed which seemed unnatural on Minerva but she didn't try to hold it back.
"All of those years as Headmistress I wouldn't take his office, but not because it didn't feel right. It's because.." Her face contorted into a mournful expression, alarming Harry as it was rare to see Minerva display such emotion.
He jumped up to take the seat next to her, refraining from holding her hand but wanting to let her know he was there and close by.
Minerva seemed to be fumbling over her next words. "It's because…" she wiped her face, pushing away the tears, now shamefully running down both of her cheeks. "I didn't want to…"
She gulped, turning away from Harry. "I couldn't face his portrait!" she blurted out, turning her body away from Harry completely as if to hide the shame she had put on herself.
Harry obviously wanted to dispel this immediately, as there was no shame in grief, guilt or sadness. He felt that she had been rather brave, perhaps reflecting her Gryffindor traits more boldly in this moment than all those daring times of her younger years.
He moved so he was crouched down on the floor in front of her, looking up as he placed his hand on her knees to balance himself. "Min… " He whispered.
Her eyes flicked down toward the dark haired man below her. The tears had dried on her face now leaving only her reddened eyes as evidence of her emotions.
"I can't see him either." Harry said quietly, a dash of shame in his own voice too but he didn't try to hide it.'
Minerva wiped her face discreetly on her sleeve, feeling a little surprised that she wasn't alone in her feelings. "You never…?" she asked, wanting to see if he would consider it now.
However, Harry quickly got up with a flash of anger on his face, he didn't raise his voice but the authoritative tone and insistence on space between them as he stood at the bookshelf on the other side of the room, facing away from her. "No, I won't see him either. I can't."
She let all of her thoughts tumble out then, it was all or nothing now, he would either help her settle this matter in her mind or she would have to push on alone. She hoped she knew Harry as well as she thought did, and he would try to help.
"I am not asking for you to walk in that office, but to simply accompany me as I do so?" She soothed.
Every muscle in his body became rigid, tense, he wanted to help his friend but Hogwarts was a place that was a struggle for him. A place he no longer attended for business either, but Harry knew he couldn't let her face it alone, not after everything she had done for him. He swallowed hard and balled his fists up, which Minerva had watched closely, wondering what his next move would be.
The image of Hogwarts in his mind immediately caused his heart to race, but not the image of his youth or those first few exciting years at a magical school. Instead, the ruins of the courtyard, scattered bodies, thick smoke and the repeated screams of Minerva as Hagrid held him tight filled his mind. He began to shake his head, as if to force the memory away but it wouldn't shift so he shook it harder. Muttering "No.. no… stop." Under his breath.
Minerva realised quickly what was happening, and knew she had to help Harry. She had triggered a flashback and it rapidly filled her with immense guilt, she never intended to cause him harm by bringing this up. She walked over to him and gently wrapped her hand with his, he flinched upon the contact but didn't pull himself away.
She leaned in close and whispered, trying to reach him wherever his mind was. "Just breathe."
He lifted his arm to brace himself on the bookshelf letting his head rest against it. Minerva watched as his shoulders raised and slumped as she instructed. Maintaining a calm and reassuring tone as she spoke. "Keep breathing. In… and out."
After ten minutes his muscles began to relax, he maintained his grip on Minerva as her words pulled him back from the ledge. Eventually his breathing evened out and no longer did he feel like his heart was going to jump out of his chest.
Instead his panic was replaced with tears, stinging at his eyes and even though he tried to wipe them away some rogue drops ran down his cheeks. Harry's head slumped down towards his chest.
"Min.." he mumbled weakly.
Minerva squeezed his hand to soothe him, and focused on keeping her voice quiet for him. "Yes?" she said calmly.
By her complete surprise Harry turned around and forced her into a hug, his head resting on her shoulder as he broke into an unreserved, heavy sob.
She rubbed his back gently, and without saying anything she just let him get his emotions out. Ignoring the increasingly damp patch forming on her shoulder. She wasn't sure if she was remaining silent because that was what Harry needed, or because the pit of guilt in her stomach was growing large enough to engulf her.
After a few haphazard intakes of breath he seemed to be calming himself down, instead the overwhelming sadness that took over him, it was being replaced with embarrassment from his outburst. He removed himself from Minerva and took a step back, registering the guilty expression on her face.
"Min.." He breathed again. Forcing his eyes to engage with hers.
"It's okay Harry. I should have never…"
He quickly interrupted her. "I will go with you." He stated, mustering all the strength left inside of him.
She furrowed her brow, but didn't break his gaze. "No, honestly if you aren't ready…"
Harry's word cut through hers immediately. "I am not ready. But I want to go with you."
Minerva prepared herself to argue with him but before she could speak he finished his sentence, quieting her down.
"I need to go with you."
Her hands fell to her sides in confusion, a feeling which was exceedingly rare for Minerva to experience. She couldn't help herself, her voice puzzled. "What?"
Harry raised his hands rubbing his palms against his face in exasperation. "Yes Minerva, when I think about Hogwarts I am filled with a horrible panic. My last memory there is something I struggle with…" He trailed off. "daily." Harry added with a whisper, as if admitting a sin.
Her expression softened then, slowly beginning to understand Harry's feelings. The immense weight of what he had been through illuminated for them both to see.
"I don't want to go back Min, I don't know if I can even look at the gargoyle steps to his office. But I will do my darndest to try."
She walked back over to Harry and took his hand again, muttering a thank you to him and she was about to pull away to give him space, she felt a tug on her hand.
"I want to go with you, to support you. But I also realise that if I am ever to conquer my demons then I have to face it for myself too."
Harry's words had a finality to them, making the listener understand that the conversation was over without ever having to utter the words. Fleeting moment such as these is when she was reminded of Dumbledore, who had a heavy power to his words too. She let go of his hands and nodded. "I will go and get Ginny now." and Harry simply nodded in reply as Minerva left the room.
A thousand different feelings raging in them both. A different, yet sometimes insurmountable feeling of trauma bouncing around in their heads. They were both climbing a hill, even if they were made of different soils. Yet somehow, even with how far they had come it seemed they were still at the bottom looking up.
-MP-
