A/N this is my first story ever, so please let me know what you think! cross posted on EF and AO3
Devastation.
Denial.
Regret.
Self loathing.
Then the last and worst of all, numbness.
That was what I was feeling the following weeks after the hellmouth closed and I lost the man I realized I loved too late. Willow and Giles tried to get me back into living, in their minds everyone should be happy. They won, they beat the first and they had their whole lives ahead of them now. I am no longer "the one" I am one of many. I had the opportunity to have what I always wanted, that chance at "normal".
There was only one problem, I didn't want that anymore. I just wanted HIM back. I just wanted to tell him that I really meant it, that I did love him, that I was ready to give him that crumb, hell the whole cake. That we could have a chance at being happy together. But I couldn't do that anymore, because he left me just like everyone else I loved has…
I know that's not fair, he didn't leave because he wanted to, he left so I didn't have too. If I'd worn that gaudy necklace I would be gone now and he would be where I am.
Sometimes I think that would have been better, maybe I'd be happy again. But that's not fair, he was her champion and he deserved the recognition and respect his sacrifice earned. I am just thinking in circles again, how many times have I thought the same thing over and over again in the two weeks since he burned?
We are still in LA staying at the Hyperion because Angel offered it to us while they figure things out. He can't understand why I'm grieving, why I'm not happy that the apocalypse is over and I'm free to do what I want. I don't even bother explaining it to him because he will never understand.
Everyday he tries to pull me aside to talk about "us". Normally I'd think that's weird because usually Angel is Mr cryptic but it makes sense this time because when we made it to LA, he tried to greet me with a kiss. I almost had a breakdown at that, because I just kept flashing back to our "hello kiss" when he gave me the amulet and the pain in Spikes eyes. I knew it was wrong when I did it but me being miss avoido girl thought it was a good way to make Spike not expect anything from spending the night holding me the night before.
God I'm so stupid, seeing the hurt in his eyes I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. But I can never admit when I'm wrong and have perfected living in that river in Egypt. So I went with it. God I'm going to have to talk to Angel soon, I'm out of excuses. Its just I don't want to deal with him.
I feel like my eyes have finally been open to him. I realized that I was still acting like that 16 year old girl fawning over her first love, even when that first love lied to her and treated her terribly I'd keep making excuses for him. But it was all lies he wasn't my knight in shining armor. He was a guy that ran away when he realized he couldn't sleep with me anymore.
He's no longer the only vampire with a soul, I know. So I know how much he lied about who he was. Angel and Angelus are the same person. I mean how naive was I? If they were truly different people why would be need redemption? It makes no sense! Spike was the same person he was before the soul, maybe a little quieter, more subdued, and sad but he was still Spike, it's not like he used to be Spikeus ?! Either way my rose colored glasses when it came to Angel are officially off and I hate him for all the time I wasted by believing everything I did.
I could have been with Spike for a long time but I couldn't believe that he could love without a soul because if I did, I'd have to admit that Angel just didn't love me without one.
Hell at this point I'm not sure if he loved me at all. He was just a manipulator saying what he had to, to get what he wanted.
Okay I had the half hour of wallowing I allowed myself each morning. It's time to be "the slayer", the sister, and the leader again. First things first, it's time to check on Dawn. So after I did my morning cleansing routine I left my room and knocked on the door next to mine. A few seconds later the door opens to a smiling Dawn.
"Hey Buffy, are you feeling better today? You've looked so sad and tired "
"Yeah I guess, its just going to take some time, but I'll be happy Buffy again in no time " I lied.
"Why are you even sad? After what he did to you, how could you care about Spike?! We trusted him and he betrayed that trust and tried to hurt you!" Dawn said angrily. I can tell that Dawn saw the moment the anger entered my eyes because she took a literal step back.
"Dawn don't talk about things you know nothing about!" I said in a calm but obviously angry voice"
"I know all I need to know! He tried to rape you!"
"And who told you that? Oh! Could it be a person that always hated Spike? Has wanted to stake him multiple times? Someone who would be happy if we never saw him again? Oh it was Xander, so YES! And instead of talking to me about it, or asking the man that was ALWAYS there for you, you assumed the worst and made him think you hate him, till the day he died to save us all!" I was screaming by the end and Dawn looked more and more horrified the more I talked.
"So he didn't tried to rape you?" She asked quietly
" If he tried to rape me, then I DID rape him. I was a mess when I came back from heaven. And he was the only one that understood. I hated that he understood when no one else did. 'If a dead soulless demon understands me when my living family didn't, what does that say about me?' You know? So I treated him horribly, I took all my anger from the Scoobies out on him, I'd hit him and beat him and he'd just say 'It's okay luv, I can take it, take it out on me' so I would and then I'd rip his clothes off and fuck him.
He'd try to make love to me but I would fuck him. I'd tell him I'd never be with him again, then directly after I'd jump him. I'd call him disgusting and tell him no, then screw him.
There was only one time I said no and actually meant it. As soon as he realized I was serious, he stopped. But he'd tell me 'no, it hurt to much to be with me' and I'd ignore I'd him and fuck him anyway. And he'd just take it, try to take my pain on himself, because that's who Spike is…was. He'd take all the pain if it helped the ones he loved even a little bit." I was crying by the time I was done with my speech. Dawn was tearing up herself.
" If that's the truth then why didn't you say anything when I yelled at him?" she asked quietly
"Because I cared too much what my friends thought, and at the time would have rather they hate him than disagree with my choice in boyfriends…. Which now sound so stupid I hate myself for thinking that way"
" He died thinking I hated him, and it's partly your fault!" Dawn cried accusingly
"I know" I barely whispered. Then we both started crying hard ugly tears while hugging each other. After about ten minutes we both started to calm down to the point that we were only sniffling when I made a decision.
"Don't worry Dawn, I'm going to get him back"
