Last week on Total Drama Fandom Action, the eight remaining campers gave us a musical extravaganza like no other. In the end, Jessie drowned her enemies in ham to take her second win, sending sweetheart Ty Lee home. After the chandelier fell on Chef Hatchet, how will the campers and Chris recover? Find out on today's episode of Total Drama Fandom Action!
The seven remaining campers sat down at the wake, clad in black.
"Oh God, I can't believe this is real, y'all," said Raze.
"I hope he's in a better place now…" said Momo.
"He is," said Chris, joining them. "Believe me, dudes, I've seen his apartment…"
Sniffling, Chris continued. "Alright, campers… for today's challenge, I want you all to roast Chef at his funeral (sniff). It's what Chef would've wanted… That's right, your challenge this week is a standup comedy challenge!"
Leslie: Alright, Leslie, what do we know about a wake roast comedy challenge? Don't make jokes about Nintendo consoles… or not having the time to put on makeup… or breaking the French Tips on your nails… OK, we're off to a good start!
"I'm giving you guys three hours to prepare a funny comedy routine for Chef's roast, er, I mean, wake. Good luck!"
"I do comedy for my Coordinator routines, sometimes," said Jessie. "I know I can pull this off!"
"I hate this," said Squidward, kicking his stool. "I hate it very much,"
"Girl, what?" Leslie was taken aback.
"Look, I'm an artist. I'm always ready to create something beautiful, but I've never been able to tell a good joke! Nobody likes my jokes!"
Neville: Wow, some vulnerability from Squidward. This has got to be interesting…
Leslie: Right now, we're split into the Heathers and the Boogers. Jesslieward and those boogers Raze, Neville, Almond and Momo. We have to even out the playing field like when Shangela slayed the Heathers! I can't let my Good Judy fall apart now!
Leslie and Jessie comforted Squidward. "We've gotten so far, Squiddy!"
"We're not gonna give up now! Now let's get those scripts running!"
"There's a lot of dirt I can throw at Hatchet, coming from a similar cloth, but it don't feel right kicking a man when he's down," said Almond. "Anyways, I'm writing some crossdresser jokes…"
"We need to take advantage of this," whispered Momo to Neville. "This could be our chance to take one of them down!"
Neville: We're in the top seven now, and the pressure is really beginning to mount. If there was ever any attempt to feign camaraderie, it's gone now. The two alliances are fighting for survival here, and it could be a close one. This comedy challenge funeral could very well be the Red Wedding Squidward's been anticipating
Squidward: The Game of Thrones parallel just keeps building up. Seven contenders for the throne, and this octopus has his hands behind every faction
Leslie: I wish Squidward would cut it out with the references. Baby, the last time somebody on reality TV made references to Game of Thrones, it didn't end well for them, Halleloo!
"So what kind of attack are we going for in this challenge?" asked Momo.
Neville took a deep breath. "Well, there's so much humor that can be poked at Chef, but I'm going specifically for his atrocious fashion sense".
Squidward: I can't believe they fell for my act! I can do stand up in my sleep! I'm THEE funniest alternative squid in Bikini Bottom!
"OK, dudes and dudettes, let's get this roast a-cookin!"
Chris led them to the funeral
Neville was first to go in: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life, liberty, and irrelevance of our dear friend, Chef Hatchett. Many of you know him as Chef, but I prefer to call him by his original name: Jim, who went sailing down Moon River".
Chris lost it immediately in laughter.
"Or as they know him down at the drag queen circuit, Stonewall Summers Madison!"
The audience was gasping for breath.
"They often called him the Terry Crews of Canada, not because of his wide shoulders, but because he looked like he needed a whole can of Old Spice to hide the funk before going out"
"Look at that big, juiced-up gorilla in that box!"
"Ever seen him in his pyjamas? Anyone? The category for that is: "Five Nights at the YMCA!"
"I'm reminded of the time we went for that roadtrip in Colorado and Chef said he was craving nuts… poor old Mr. Almond didn't stand a chance…"
Jessie was next. "Thank you all for joining me in my mourning… I chipped my nail earlier today and I just got it done yesterday!"
Crickets.
"Oh, Chef is dead? Oh, awww, anyways…"
"I have no one else to blame for this tragedy than Chris! He's the mastermind behind all of this. He worked poor Chef out and then dropped the ball on him! You know, Chris, I understand why you kept Chef around for all these seasons: Everyone needs that one ugly friend to make them look good."
Squidward cackled.
"Isn't that right, Squidward?"
Squidward's eyes bugged out at Jessie.
"Chef had a special kind of face. The kind doctors would use to cure constipation and nymphomania!"
Almond was up. "Peace be with you, brothers and sisters. We are here with heavy hearts and, OOF, chronic back pain, over the loss of our beloved brother. The big guy. The big meatheaded lug of brawns named Hatchett. Now, I knew Hatchett back in the war over there, and I remember him for his cooking and his drag shows for the boys over there. At least ONE of those two was going to give me indigestion"
"These times remind me of the story of Lazarus, and how the good Lord raised him from the dead, after being interred for three days! So, my question for you today, folks: Why does this newly-embalmed old boondocker smell like a three-day old corpse?"
Momo followed up. "I will always remember Chef for his wisdom, and we all know wisdom comes with age, and we all know that man was OLD. Chef was so old, he catered the Last Supper!"
Chris had barely recovered from Almond when Momo's joke slayed him again.
"Imagine being born before Crunchyroll?"
Crickets.
""Chef and Chris shared such a beautiful relationship. Chris, didn't you first meet at a log stockade?"
Leslie: AND I OOP
"But sadly, you had to break up, because it became illegal for him to date you after surgery made 75% of your body younger than 18!"
Leslie: The library is burning, baby!
Chris' face was frozen, as if it was so funny that he had to admit it even if it was the most brazen attack on him in the show's history.
Leslie blew a kiss at Chef as they stepped up to the podium, wearing a veil. "Rest in peace, Chef Hatchet! (sobs)". They stared disapprovingly at Chris. "This is a funeral, damn it! You really brought the paparazzi and made this into a roast! Shame on you! Shame! Shame! Shame!"
"Anyways, here's my roast. Chef Hatchet, you were talented, you were beautiful… your drag in this show was ROUGH, bitch! You make my good Judy Tina Rex look so petite with those BIG ASS SHOULDERS YOU GOT, BITCH! Squidward was right to call this season the Game of Thrones of Reality TV, and baby, you the Mountain!"
"And I don't know what's worse, your cooking, or… Oh, no, baby ain't nothing worse than that, chile"
Raze rocketed onto the podium. "Hey, y'all! It's Chef's niece from all the way from Salvador! Y'all didn't know I was coming, huh?"
"And Chris, Chef and I go way farther than you two. Chef knew me when my name was Reynaldo!"
Leslie: Trans jokes? (tongue pop)... Well… bless her heart, she tried…
"I was flipping channels and I went 'Y'ALL SEE CHEF?!' I said, what is he thinking?! You know, he walks into the set with a machine gun and a ladle. Girl, you look like the love child of Paula Deen and Wesley Snipes!"
Chris fell off his chair.
"Sleeves rolled so far up he look like he about to do laundry with a boogie woogie beat!"
The audience was roaring.
Squidward majestically walked up to the coffin in a veiled umbrella. He removed the veil, took one look at Chef and recoiled as if hit.
The audience cackled.
"Dearly beloved… and Chris McLean…"
"At least our poor Chef Hatchet died doing something he loved, getting crushed by a giant diamond chandelier"
"He got more rhinestones in death than he could ever afford in life… those gowns were CHEAP, people!"
"As lawyer, I am here to present Chef's last will and testi- I mean testament."
"To Jessie, Chef has left you frozen tubes of mystery stew… for you to use as lipstick"
"To Almond Cookie, Chef has left you with his musty, crusty old Civil War Era couture, because he thought you looked like you needed fresher drip"
"To Tayane Alves, Chef wants you to know… he called ATF and they're waiting for you outside after the service."
"Of course, last but certainly not least, to Chef's OLDEST friend, Chris McLean, Chef leaves you with just this message: "You owe me about three-fiddy"
Squidward's roast completely decimated Chris and the audience.
"YOU SHADY LITTLE SQUID!" Chef rose from the coffin and the campers cheered. "Y'all, I was trying my damndest not to laugh or anything, but that shit went DEEP! Chris, I've made my choice!"
"Alright, Chef, who wins the Roast?"
"Let me put it like this: WINNER, WINNER, CALAMARI DINNER!"
Squidward bowed. "Thank you. This feels right. When it's right, it's RIGHT!"
Chris clapped. "And now, Squidward, you'll be getting the power to auto-nominate any of the other six campers!"
Squidward took a look around. "Chris, the one I'm sending to the bottom this week is Momo"
"Okay, and the other six will vote for the other contender!"
Neville: Jessie has to go, she was weak here and we need her out
Momo: Jessie
Leslie; I'm tired of the Almond Cookie Meet and Greet
Almond: Leslie
Raze: Jessie, girl, you were the weakest this week, and I really don't like how y'all are picking on the other campers. Really ruins the vibe for me
Jessie: Neville
"Alright, campers, you voted for Jessie to join Momo in the bottom!"
Jessie: From the top to the bottom? This doesn't fit my fantasy
Momo: Dammit, I already used the Immunity Idol! I hope my fans can outvote Jessie's
"Almond, Leslie, Neville, Raze and Squidward, welcome to the Top Six! Momo, and Jessie, your fate is in the hands of the readers."
"Alright. The voters have spoken. Jessie…'
"You are moving on to the Top Six!"
Squidward and Leslie cheered. Neville and Raze were devastated. Almond scratched his chin.
"Momo, thank you for competing, but your heroic streak on Total Drama ends tonight!"
Momo hugged Neville and Raze goodbye. Almond shook her hand and Squidward waved.
Squidward: Your teammates send their regards
I'm very proud of myself for making it this far. I may not have moved on to the Finale, but I've definitely grown as a person here. Maybe next time around, I can pull out the key to winning Total Drama… Always remember we create our own destinies. Love, Momo Yaoyorozu…
