Disclaimer: Koyomi Araragi and Hitagi Senjougahara are 26 years old. Hikigaya is 25 years old. Kaori(OC) is 18 years old. So please, don't come after me with torches and pitchforks. Thank you.
01: Hitagi Senjougahara - After A Bad Break Up, It's Best To Sleep With Your Ex-Boyfriend's Best Friend [I]
Araragi knocked someone up and it wasn't his long time girlfriend.
How shocking. You can't probably tell, but Hikigaya was being sarcastic. He knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. The man couldn't keep it in his pants. And he couldn't keep his hands to himself while he was around younger women. But since he was technically a friend of a friend, the rotten eyed loner had to pretend like he actually cared and had to listen to him prattle on about how his days of fooling around behind his girlfriend's back were over.
Because for once, Araragi was going to do the right thing and marry the poor girl he knocked up. And he was going to throw a small party to announce their engagement and he was calling to let him know that he was formally invited to the evening of merriment where they would raise a toast to new beginnings.
And Hikigaya wasted no time in telling him that he couldn't quite make it. To which Araragi responded with a simple, 'There will be free booze.'
Well, when he put it like that, how could he refuse?
But Hikigaya didn't ask if Senjougahara would be there. Araragi wouldn't be so stupid as to invite his ex-girlfriend to the engagement party of a younger girl he screwed behind her back, got her knocked up and now was gonna marry. It would be a disaster, leading to a blood bath and end in a massacre.
Because Hitagi Senjougahara was certifiably insane.
Hikigaya didn't want to dive in to the relationship of Koyomi Araragi and Hitagi Senjougahara. He wasn't their therapist and thank god for that. Boy, did that guy hate his job, having to put up with all their shit and psychoanalyze all their emotional baggage and couch the real truth with all that medical jargon and other difficult words lifted from the latest medical journal, so that they may never fully understand the reality of their dismal situation and how hopeless it was to salvage their twice damned relationship.
There were no villains, no heroes, no victims in their story. Senjougahara had a short temper. She was quick to lash out and say hurtful things which she absolutely meant. And she never apologized for her actions. He also knew she was sexually abused in high school. Suffered from intimacy issues in the past and had a hard time forming meaningful connections with other people. But he learnt about all these sordid details while he was patching up Araragi in the middle of the night, who had suffered a minor concussion from being hit with a frying pan and was bleeding out from a knife wound to the side, courtesy of a spat with his violent girlfriend. Granted, she had walked in on him, fucking a college girl on their living room couch, but like the man said, at least he wasn't caught fucking the college girl on their bed. Otherwise, the police would have a double homicide on their hand.
And Araragi wasn't joking. Because Hitagi Senjougahara was capable of cold blooded murder. In fact, he had no idea why the woman hadn't killed his friend yet for his numerous indiscretions. Araragi's behaviour was enough to drive any sane woman mad and like we have established before, Hitagi Senjougahara was not exactly what you might call sane.
Now, the hopeless romantics in their circle of friends liked to argue that the reason why Senjougahara hadn't killed Araragi was because, deep down, she truly loved him and couldn't imagine living in a world without him.
Yeah, Hikigaya called bullshit on that one.
To him, it was simple. Their relationship was toxic and based on codependence. They both needed each other to survive, because they knew nobody else would put up with their shit. No woman would want to be in a steady relationship with Araragi, if he didn't go around sleeping with a bunch of college girls, when he had a bad day at the office and didn't want to come home to the same ol' girlfriend. And no man would put up with Senjougahara's shit. Period.
Hikigaya wanted to be happy for his friend, he really did, but he knew his marriage wouldn't last for long. Before you know it, Araragi would be caught with his pants down, cheating on his wife with some young girl he picked up from the bar and since his wife wouldn't be as understandable as Senjougahara, he wouldn't get off with a stab wound or a minor concussion. He would end up in court, getting divorced, fighting over the custody of his vintage, limited edition loli figurines.
But perhaps he was getting ahead of himself and thinking too far into the future, because when the evening in question arrived and he found himself with a drink in his hand and a small plate of hors d'oeuvre, being introduced to Araragi's would be wife and the mother of his unborn child, he also had the pleasure of getting reacquainted with Hitagi Senjougahara, a woman who was clearly not invited to the party, but who had showed up regardless and with good reason to boot.
"I believe we haven't been properly introduced." Hitagi Senjougahara told the younger woman, Araragi's soon to be killed would be wife and the mother of an unborn child who would be snatched from the womb through black magic and witchcraft. And then she pointed her manicured nail which was painted blood red to match the rest of her bold outfit at her ex-boyfriend. "I know him. He is my boyfriend. Koyomi Araragi."
Araragi's baby mama plastered a tight smile on her face and spoke using a high pitched, false sweet voice which made Hikigaya's ears bleed. "Ah, you must be Senjougahara-san. Koyomi-san's ex. I am Kaori. Nice to meet you. Um, I am sorry, but did Koyomi-san invite you to the party?"
In response, Senjougahara reached out and grabbed the wine glass from out of Kaori's hand and took a small sip of the drink. "Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't you having a baby?"
Kaori smiled brightly and latched onto Araragi's arm, jostling the tall frame of the man, who was committed to stay absolutely silent and delegate himself to the position of a passive observer and keep himself out of harm's way. "Fuck yeah, I am having a baby! Now I don't have to worry about finishing high school."
Senjougahara raised a delicate eyebrow. "High school?"
Araragi rubbed the back of his head and let out an awkward, embarrassed laugh. "She had sneaked into the club using a fake ID. I thought she went to college. Don't worry, she's eighteen. I checked. She had to repeat a year in high school because of low grades and lack of attendance."
"Well, that makes it all better." Hikigaya muttered into his drink.
He was pretty sure nobody heard him, but Senjougahara gave him a look and a small smile, before turning to face the couple once more, and all her attention seemed to be focused on Kaori and the younger girl visible wilted before her gaze, but didn't quite back down, because she knew, she had a man to protect her from the ire of a scorned, former lover. What a pity. Araragi must have downplayed Senjougahara's violent tendencies. A bad decision on his part, which he might come to regret tonight, if Senjougahara pulled out a frying pan from her shoulder bag. But from the looks of it, all she wanted to do was talk.
"You didn't answer my question, Kaori." Hitagi Senjougahara grilled the younger girl, before taking another sip from her glass of wine. "You tell me you are pregnant with Araragi-kun's child and yet I catch you drinking alcohol. Did nobody tell you that you shouldn't drink during pregnancy?"
Kaori had the gall to roll her eyes at the woman. "Just chill, okay. I just found out I was pregnant. It's not like I am really, really pregnant -"
Hitagi Senjougahara latched onto what she said like a life line. "Oh, you mean you are not really pregnant and this was all a clever ruse to entrap Araragi-kun into your clever scheme and have him marry you. If that's the case, I applaud you. In fact, I should have thought about doing this myself."
Araragi too came to his senses. "Wait, you are not really pregnant?"
Kaori lost her cool. "Of course I am pregnant!" Realizing her mistake, she decided to use her indoor voice. "What I meant to say was that I don't look pregnant, you know. Like I am not growing huge like a hot air balloon. My tummy is still flat, and so I think I deserve to have a drink. This engagement party is my day too. Besides, it's just wine."
And with that spiel of complete and utter bullshit, Hitagi Senjougahara did the right thing and finished the rest of her wine in one fell swoop and handed the empty glass to the confused looking Kaori. "You will thank me later. Now," This time she reached out and yanked Araragi's glass of whisky from him and poured the alcoholic beverage down her throat, letting it burn and add extra fuel to her righteous anger. "When the child is born, if it is a girl, you will name her Hitagi, no questions asked. If it is a boy, you will name him, what is your first name again, Hikitani-kun?"
Hikigaya gave the woman a look. "Hachiman. And don't pretend like you don't know me, Senjougahara. You have showed up to my apartment a number of times, looking for your battered boyfriend. Last time you showed up with a stapler in hand and threatened to staple both our mouths shut, because you thought we were badmouthing you behind your back."
"Water under the bridge." Hitagi Senjougahara said, before sipping her whisky. "And I was clearly joking. If I was serious, I would have showed up with a sewing machine, a pair of scissors, a cutting board, a couple of hand sewing needles, extra sewing machine needles, fabric marking pens and pencils, measuring tape, thread, a magnetic pin dish and lots and lots of pins, seam ripper, extra bobbins, an iron and a ironing board. Because I believe the correct phrase is 'sewing your mouth shut'. I am an expert when it comes to sewing, because I was raised in a very traditional household and my father always said that a girl should know how to sew."
Hikigaya actually felt sorry for Kaori. The poor girl. This was her first time experiencing the crazy that was Hitagi Senjougahara. And she wasn't about to go easy on the young girl who stole her only boyfriend and favourite punching bag. From the looks of it, Hitagi was going to take her apart, tear her up and leave her scraps for alley cats to feed on before the night was over. And by some twist of fate, Hikigaya had grabbed a front row seat to the entire drama that was about to unfold. He didn't know whether to curse his horrible luck or go grab some popcorn.
"Let's get back to the matter at hand." Hitagi Senjougahara held onto her glass of whisky and extended her index finger to point at the woman in question. "You are going to give birth to Araragi-kun's child? Sorry, I didn't want to make it sound like a question. Let me try again. You!" She put extra emphasis on the word. "Are going to give birth to Araragi-kun's child? Nope. Sorry. I can't make it work. Perhaps I am a bit drunk. Let's get ahead of the situation shall we? So, you will go through the joys of childbirth, which some equate to 20 bones getting fractured all at once. Now if you survive the experience, because many women die during childbirth. But assuming you live, because god clearly hates me, and you give birth to a healthy child, what do you do next?"
"Well, I have to get back into shape, right?" Kaori replied matter of factly. "Got to shed that extra weight. Otherwise, you never know, Koyomi-san might find some other young looking pretty thing in the club." At this point, she let out a chortle like she had cracked a really funny joke. Araragi let out a small, awkward laugh, because it was his duty. Hikigaya let a small smile play on his lips. Oh you poor silly girl. You don't know the half of it. Only Hitagi Senjougahara looked annoyed.
"I was talking about Araragi-kun's child." Hitagi Senjougahara pointed out helpfully. "Will you get it vaccinated?"
At this Kaori let out a loud, piggish snort. "Yeah. Right. Like I'm gonna take part in all that bullshit. You know, I read online that kids have a 99.998% survival rate with natural immunity."
Hikigaya couldn't quite help himself. "Well, if you read it online, then it must be true."
Thankfully, he managed to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. Only people who knew him quite well, like Araragi and Senjougahara picked up on the subtle change in tone of his voice. A newbie like Kaori, the anti-vaxxer and future baby killer had no chance.
Hitagi Senjougahara finished the rest of her whisky, but held onto the lower half of the glass. At this point, Hikigaya half expected her to throw the glass at Kaori's head or if she wanted things to get bloody, smash the glass on a nearby table and with the sharp, jagged end, slash her neck open and watch her bleed out on the floor. But she did no such thing. In the face of adversity and sheer stupidity, the jilted lover decided to give the girl one last chance.
"What about this big blue planet we call home? Earth." Hitagi Senjougahara felt the need to specify. "Is it round or flat?"
This time around Kaori looked a smidge insulted. "Well of course its round! Did you think I am one of those ridiculous flat-earthers? Those guys are retarded. I mean honestly, if the earth was flat, how do you explain mountains? Now that would make no sense, right?"
Araragi let out a sigh of relief and mumbled an almost inaudible, 'Oh thank god!' under his breath.
Hitagi Senjougahara shrugged her shoulders, looked at Hikigaya and spoke with a huff in her voice. "It doesn't matter. Best two out of three. I win."
Hikigaya chuckled into his drink. "You were really reaching there with that one, Senjougahara. Did you forget, she goes to high school?"
Hitagi turned her ire on him. "Did you forget she has bad grades and low attendance, Hikigaya-kun? It is completely within reason to think that she might have missed several lessons during science class where the teacher talked about the planet earth. I wouldn't put it past her to not submit her homework where the teacher might have asked her to write an essay on the planet earth and how it is round."
"I don't think a teacher would have given that topic for an essay." Hikigaya knew it was pointless to argue with the woman. You can never win an argument against Hitagi Senjougahara. It was beyond hopeless. "Besides, there is probably a picture showing the earth is round in their textbook. If I remember correctly, I think they use the picture from the Apollo moon landing."
*Snort*
*Giggle*
Hikigaya raised an eyebrow. "Do you have anything you like to add, Koari-san?"
Kaori flipped back her long dark hair and spoke in a haughty manner. "No it's nothing, Hikigaya-san. I just feel sorry for you, that's all. Like a vast majority of people on this world, you got fooled by NASA. Those who are super intelligent like me know that the moon landing was fake! The whole thing was a hoax, filmed in some movie studio in Hollywood."
"…You don't say." Hikigaya didn't bother to hide it. His voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"Three out of three. Great." Hitagi nodded her head once, as if she had finally made up her mind and come to a decision. And then she reached out and grabbed Hikigaya's glass. He was having vodka. The strong stuff. It was just what she needed. Liquid courage. This time she spoke to her boyfriend. One last time. "Araragi-kun, since you didn't have the courage to come by the house and break up with me, I am taking this opportunity to officially break up with you. Consider yourself dumped. Now I drove here in your car and brought some of your things over, kept them in those neat cardboard boxes in the backseat and I fully intended to hand them over to you tonight." At this point, she finished the rest of the vodka and then threw the glass at the wall with all her strength, where it shattered on impact. Araragi was used to her temperamental behavior. Hikigaya had heard stories. But Kaori, the new girl was thrown completely off guard and was scared out of her wits. She was cowering in fear and trying to hide behind Araragi, who was trying his best to remain motionless and very, very quiet.
"Huh. I missed. I was aiming for your head, Araragi-kun." Hitagi said nonchalantly. "I must be drunk. In that case, I can't drive home in my present condition. If it's all the same to you, I would like one of your friends to drive me home."
Hikigaya should have kept his mouth shut. But he was a bit salty about having his vodka stolen and finished by Senjougahara.
"What's wrong with a taxi?" He asked.
Hitagi Senjougahara didn't miss a beat. "I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting a taxi driver back into my home for a drink. He might have his way with me and in my drunken state, I might not be able to defend myself."
"But you are okay with one of Araragi's friends?" Hikigaya asked.
"Well," Hitagi cocked her head in thought. "Not all his friends. But you will do fine, Hikigaya-kun. Thank you for volunteering to drive me home. If you play your cards right, there might be something for you in the arrangement. Starting with a bottle of real Russian vodka. None of this cheap stuff."
Now that she mentioned it, the quality of alcohol in this party was kinda subpar. It wasn't surprising. Araragi was known to be a cheap bastard. He wasn't made of money and he didn't throw money on things like parties and celebrations.
But still, driving her home.
Was it worth it?
"How do you know I won't have my way with you?"
"I am hoping you would, Hikigaya-kun."
And with that one final whisper, her hot breath brushing his ear, her blood red lips grazing the side of his cheek, Hitagi Senjougahara turned around and started walking towards the exit, swaying her hips as she walked, her ruby red heels click-clacking on the floor.
Author's Note: Welcome to 'Ladykiller'
This is the only chapter which is gonna be Rated-T. From the next chapter onwards, this fic will be bumped to an 'M' rating. And yes, the next chapter is gonna feature a lemon featuring Hikigaya and Hitagi Senjougahara.
Also, this is my first time writing an OC. Because Kaori is an OC….I absolutely hated it. If you guys want to suggest another female character to take her place, I am all ears. But remember, the character you suggest won't get a chance to feature in a lemon with Hikigaya.
Now, I want you guys to leave a review.
And like the terminator said, I'll be back.
Later 'gators!
