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49
OF LOVERS AND LIARS
TOMMY LEFROY - TRASHFIRE
"Fucking Gryffindors!"
"Seth, what is it?" James matched my movement as I took a step back from him. I could feel his fingers tense against mine when I pulled away, but he still let go of my hand, curling his into a fist. "What are you doing?"
He looked confused and hurt and I wanted to lean back into him, but my mind was a mess. The lovenettle was still trembling like a half-dead fish, flapping limply against the glass, and I just wanted it to stop. Because there was only one reason why it would react like this now.
Its other half was right next to it.
I closed my fingers around the small vial, trying to sort out my breathing. My thoughts. It couldn't be him. It just couldn't be.
I wanted to run so that I could pretend for just a little longer, but it was too late for that. The vial vibrated softly in my fist and I pressed my back against the bookshelf behind me for support, listening to the dull clinks of the lovenettle throwing itself against the glass.
It was a ticking clock; hollow and fragile, like the irregular beats of my heart.
"Woodley." James's voice was soft, almost a whisper. He looked tense, the cords of muscle along his neck taut as he clenched his jaw, but he didn't move when I stepped into him; didn't pull away when I reached around him, into the pocket of his jeans, fishing for the small stoppered bottle that was filled to the brim with the pale yellow Volantis dupe.
It wasn't all of it. But it was enough.
"Seth-"
"I'm so stupid." The words were raw and painful in my throat, barely made of sound. My fingers were trembling around the bottle as I tried to navigate the chaos of thoughts and emotions that were caving in on me, but I couldn't breathe.
"No, Seth, wait." James advanced on me, his hand wrapping around my elbow, pulling me against him as I tried to turn away, twisting me into his arms.
"Let me go!" I pushed against his chest, panic surging inside me like a wave. Because I felt so incredibly dumb for trusting him - for letting myself believe this might be real for even a second.
I felt it behind my chest; like a physical thing made of thorns and barbs, winding itself around my heart. I wanted to yell at him, to tell him to go to hell, but I could feel my throat close off instead, almost strangling me from the inside.
"Seth?" The expression on James's face shifted into a frown as his hold on me slackened. "You don't think -" He cut himself off and then took a step back, slowly dragging a hand through his hair. "Shit, Woodley. I told Augi that I wanted some Volantis and to keep a lookout for me. That's it. The bottle was on my nightstand this morning."
"But… what?"
I wasn't exactly sure what I meant; what exactly I was asking him. If the Fauxlantis was circulating in the castle already, all of my scheming and sneaking around behind McGonagall's back had been for absolutely nothing. I'd thought that I'd have time to figure this out - time for the lovenettle to unfold its full potential - just for Augustus Cotton to casually procure a bottle of the potion that very same night.
This was all wrong, and I didn't know how to fix it again.
"Can you find out where he got it from?"
"That kind of was my plan," James said, nodding vaguely at the little bottle I was still clutching in my hand. "Augi was pretty plastered yesterday, though."
He leaned one shoulder against the shelf, his hands buried in his pockets, and I felt my stomach sink. This already shitty situation was turning into a dumpster fire of epic proportions and I felt the little control I had slipping away from me. All of my clever plans just kept blowing up in my face. Instead of fixing anything, I was ruining it all as the shrapnel just kept tearing open new wounds. This was never going to end.
"Hey. Seth." James pushed away from the shelf, sliding both hands onto my cheeks. I hadn't realised that I was crying until he wiped away the tears, his thumbs brushing along my cheekbones over and over again.
"It's OK," he whispered, lowering his head. One of his hands closed over my trembling fingers as he placed them on his neck, right where I could feel the slightly uneven pulse of his heart. "You're going to be alright."
I wasn't. It felt like I never would be; like this mess was too great to untangle. But I still took a pathetic, shaky breath. Then, another one and another one, until the noose around my throat loosened. Until I could breathe again.
"Why are you doing this?" My fingertips still pressed against his carotid, feeling his warmth, absorbing every beat.
"Why?" James let out a soft, breathy snort and I felt it tickle against my cheek. "For someone so smart, you can be really thick sometimes." His voice dipped, like that night he'd been drunk and high and convinced that he was in love with me, and my heart stuttered.
I knew it too well - that feeling that sank its claws into me sometimes like an evil curse. That fear of failure.
I'd lost every game of wizard's chess I'd ever played against my family. Every single time, my pieces had ended up massacred all over the table, broken and shattered.
I used to cry over the slaughtered chess pieces when I was a child. I could never save them, no matter how hard I'd tried. All my cleverness couldn't have prevented the tragedy. Because it had all been there on my face; everything I had felt and thought and planned, right there for everyone to see with my naive little heart on my sleeve.
At some point, I just couldn't risk the carnage anymore.
"Seth?"
Katie's voice was soft, like the frown on her face and I let out a long breath as I leaned against one of the tables that still bore half-finished student carvings from decades ago: a couple of names, a few hearts, a Slytherin slur that hadn't aged well.
"I don't know what to do," I said quietly, but the words still echoed from the ceiling, distant and unreal as they faded into the sound of rain tapping on the glass. A stray vine of moonlace was slowly crawling onto my hand, prodding the hem of my jumper experimentally like it was testing if it could slip underneath the sleeve, and I understood the urge to hide. It felt like I should have known better; like I should have seen this coming instead of deluding myself that I could somehow salvage this.
"Maybe it's a different potion?" Sam pressed his lips together, his expression oddly pinched as he looked at me from his perch on the desk across from mine. "I mean, maybe this is the real shit, you know?"
"No." I sighed and pulled the lovenettle out of my pocket, watching the tiny leaf tremble as I placed it next to the potion Augustus had procured for James. "It's definitely mine."
"Ours." Katie corrected.
"Kat -" I shook my head at her, but, before I could contradict her, the door to the glasshouse banged open and James came in, windswept and wet, dragging in the cloying moist air.
"And?" I slid off the table so quickly that I startled the moonlace that had wound around my wrist, but I barely noticed as a flicker of hope kindled behind my chest. This felt like my last chance. If Augustus could identify the person he had gotten the potion from, I might still be able to make this right.
It didn't last long, though. Whatever naive hope I'd had extinguished immediately again when I saw the expression on James's face.
"He can't remember." He shook his head as he pulled off the hood of his sweatshirt and shoved his hands through his damp hair, messing it up even more. "I guess he was too sloshed. I'm sorry, Woodley."
The sinking sensation in my chest was visceral, tearing blood vessels and muscles and ligaments as my heart dropped to my stomach. Because this was it. I knew it. And all I could do was try to contain the damage; to protect my friends who shouldn't have been part of this disaster in the first place.
"OK." I let out a long sigh, hoping that it would somehow steady my shaking hands as I gripped the edge of the table, looking at the stoppered bottle that contained the Fauxlantis. "That's it. I'm going to McGonagall."
"No!" Katie shouted, just as Sam said, "You can't!"
"I have to."
"No, Seth," James had come over to me, his hands grabbing my arms as though to physically keep me from pocketing the potion and running off. "You could get expelled for this. This is serious."
"Circe, thanks for the pep talk, Potter." I forced a smile, wiping at the corner of my eye where I could feel a tear forming. I couldn't fall apart now. Not again. It would only make everything worse. "I've tried. But there's a dangerous potion ring on the loose and an unregulated, untested potion that I made. People could get seriously hurt." I shook my head and then looked away from my friends, down to the floor where the moonlace was slowly claiming James's and my trainers. "I can't be responsible for that."
"Wait…" I felt James's hold on me loosen all of a sudden and, when I looked back up at him, he was frowning at me. "You guys didn't test this stuff?"
There was an awkward pause that trailed after his words and I caught Tarquin's gaze over James's shoulder. All this time, we hadn't thought about this. We'd just assumed that it would be alright. In theory, substituting the ingredients with weaker, herb-based versions alleviated the psychoactive properties of the original potion, but we had never even considered the possibility of it still being potentially dangerous.
In all this, I had messed up even more than I had thought.
I had been so convinced that I was doing the right thing. Instead, I had ended up endangering other people's health and safety.
Maybe I deserved to be expelled.
"We never meant for anyone to actually drink it," Tarquin said, but his forehead creased with guilt as he looked from James to me.
"Fucking Merlin." James muttered and then let out a sharp breath as he reached past me to grab the bottle with the Fauxlantis, casually popping the cork off with his thumb. "Cheers."
It took me a second too long to understand what he was doing. By the time I'd caught on, he'd already put the vial to his lips and tipped his head back like he was doing jelly bean shots at the bar.
"No! James!" I tried to wrench the bottle from him, my fingers clenching around his, but it was too late. When I finally managed to prise the thing out of his hand there was nothing but a faint coat of pale yellow residue clinging to the glass.
"Fucking Gryffindors!" Hector cursed, but I barely registered the tangle of shouts from my friends as I put my hands against James's shoulders, frantically searching his face for any signs of the potion. This really was the cherry on top of this years' shitcake; accidentally poisoning my first sort-of-maybe-boyfriend.
"James?" I could hear the panic in my voice, the strain of something unshapely pushing against my vocal chords, but his mouth curved into a soft smile as he slid one hand onto my cheek.
"I'm good," he said quietly, but it sounded a bit off, and then he swayed, suddenly, staggering into me, making us both fall against the table. "-ish."
"Shit." I tried to prop him up, even though he was too heavy for me, but Hector was there in no time, putting one of James's arms around his shoulder to stabilise him.
"And people call Hufflepuffs stupid." Tarquin mumbled under his breath. He shook his head as he grabbed Katie's bag and took her sparkly pink water bottle, pressing it into James's hand.
"I just need to sit down for a second." James's words were not quite slurred but a little too soft as he leaned against the glass pane and then sank to the floor, still clutching Katie's oversized bottle. It had a heart-shaped sticker on it that said 'girl's girl' and James stared at it dazedly for a moment.
"Why on earth would you do that?" I said as I knelt down next to him, my heart still pounding in my chest as I scanned his face for any side-effects. But he just grinned at me, softly, his eyes dark and half-closed as he let his head fall back against the glass.
He was such a dumb Gryffindor.
And I was so stupidly into him.
"At least drink some water, Potter." I leaned closer and touched my palm to his forehead and cheeks. His skin felt a little too warm, but maybe my hands were just too cold. "Please?"
He was still looking at me, still smiling, his eyes travelling lazily across my face, and I felt the familiar prickle of heat in my cheeks as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Don't tell me you're worried about me, Woodley." His voice was low and gravelly, yet clearer than before, and I let out a breath of relief. He was going to be alright.
"You're an idiot," I said, even as I felt the blush creep to my nose and ears, and then nudged his arm where he was clutching Katie's flashy water bottle. "Hydrate. Come on."
"Um, so…" Sam cleared his throat, the sound a little too loud to not be slightly awkward, and I snapped my head up to find my friends all staring at us. Fantastic. "Where do we stand on that whole telling-McGonagall-thing now?"
"We're not telling anybody anything." Katie insisted, but I shook my head, feeling the tension creep back into my shoulders.
"I have to. Who knows how much of the Fauxlantis has already been distributed. If there's even any of it left."
"Volantis is a party drug, though," Hector said, his gaze settling on James who had pushed himself up a little, rustling the curtain of vines behind him.
"Yeah. No one takes this shit just to chill in their common room." He took another sip from Katie's bottle and the glitter particles in the plastic shimmered in the candle light, casting tiny glowing freckles all over his face.
I wanted to touch him again, but I didn't dare, and so I tucked my hands underneath my legs, watching the moonlace slither across my lap instead. If James and Hector were right, there might still be a way to prevent a complete catastrophe. Not entirely, of course, but maybe enough to not involve dozens of innocent people.
"Where do people usually buy their drugs?"
I looked up again, not sure who exactly I was asking, but James and Hector exchanged a look across the greenhouse and then paused for a second before they said simultaneously, "Parties."
It took a fraction of a second for all the little wheels in my head to click into place, but Katie's eyes were already growing wider, her hand outstretched, waving wildly as she pointed first at Hector and then at James, both of whom were obviously deeply confused.
"That's it!" She shouted and I knew what she meant. Because I was thinking the same thing.
"Wait, what?" Tarquin looked just as lost as the rest of the boys as Katie practically danced past him, over to where James and I were still sitting on the floor.
"We have to throw a party." She was clasping my shoulders so fiercely that I could feel her nails pierce the fluffy material of my jumper. "That's how we can catch the blackmailers."
"What? How?" Sam frowned, his blonde eyebrows drawing together above the ridge of his nose until his skin creased in the middle. "And where?"
"What about your weird secret room?" Katie had turned to James, her eyes bright with excitement now that we sort of had a plan again. Her enthusiasm was infectious and I wanted it to last. I wanted to have hope for just a little longer.
James shook his head, carefully stretching his right leg out to not upset the infant moonlace plant that was coiling around his ankle. "It's a magical room. It can create infinite exits and hiding spots. You'll never find anything in there that doesn't want to be found."
"One of the common rooms, then?" Tarquin suggested, finally catching on, but Hector made a sceptical noise.
"Common rooms are shifty," he said and I remembered how easy it had been to sneak away at the Gryffindor victory party. To hide in the labyrinth of bookshelves like it existed only for us.
"There are too many nooks and secret spots to do all sorts of things." My gaze unwittingly caught on James's and my stomach swooped. Because the soft grin on his face was wicked and nerve-wrecking and I pathetically forgot how to breathe for a second.
"OK." Katie released a long breath, her palms facing upwards like she was trying to channel whatever positive energy she could harness from the greenhouse. "So, what we need is a place that is manageable, yet big enough to have a party while also sort of secret enough to not get caught." She paused for a second and then her arms collapsed dramatically into her lap. "Brilliant."
I sighed and leaned my shoulder against the glass pane, absently playing with the moonlace that was weaving through my fingers. It was a cruel thing; to have this flicker of hope just to feel it slip through your fingers a second later.
Defeat felt a little like this strange greenhouse that had lost its purpose, left to watch helplessly as its structure was eaten up by the plants it once grew. The sky beyond the vaulted glass ceiling was barely visible, dripping with moonlace and other vines that crawled over broken pots and neglected flower beds.
They still bloomed, though. Strangely resilient like the greenhouse itself. Even if nobody knew it was there.
"Wait a minute," I said, getting up so fast that James choked on the sip of water in his mouth and the tendrils of moonlace that had ensnared us scattered. "I think I have an idea."
The rain had stopped, but swirls of fog were curling along the grounds - like bluish-grey smoke in the evening light. I could feel the humidity hang in the air, how it seeped into my hair, my clothes, my skin. Enough to make me shiver in my thin jumper and impractically short skirt.
All just because I wanted to impress a boy.
I glanced over my shoulder a little, watching him as he walked up the slope with long strides, nodding his head to something Hector was saying, and my skin prickled. Everywhere. It might just have been the onset of hypothermia, but I feared that it wasn't. That it was something much more terrifying.
James looked up then, catching my gaze, and his mouth slid into an uneven grin that made the tips of my ears burn. When he smiled like that, I could feel it down to my bones.
"You two are so cute." Katie bumped her shoulder into me before slipping her arm through mine to pull us closer. She was talking quietly and we were walking a few paces ahead of the boys, but I still wondered if James could hear her.
If he knew all the disastrous things he made me feel.
"We're not," I said quickly, but my cheeks felt too hot and my stomach flipped. "Are we? I mean, is he? Do you think…" I trailed off and Katie squeezed my arm, obviously picking up on the panicky tone in my voice, even as I whispered.
"Seth."
"I don't know, Kat." I shook my head and then covertly looked over my shoulder again, catching a glimpse of James and his perfectly dishevelled hair. "He's -" I pressed my lips together, feeling the familiar warmth spread over my face and neck as I thought about what he'd told me before - when his hands had been on my waist and his mouth entirely too close.
He hadn't been with anyone since New Year's Eve.
I hadn't been with anyone. Ever.
"What?" Katie prompted and I let out a puff of air, expecting it to turn into smoke, but it wasn't that cold, of course.
"A boy," I whispered, my eyes flickering to the castle in front of us. We were close enough to see the silhouettes behind the glowing windows - people moving in droves into the Great Hall for dinner - and I felt another tingle of panic. "The boy. What am I even doing? I can't be snogging James Potter."
"Of course you can! You have to."
"What?" I snorted, barely able to keep my voice low enough to make sure no one could hear us, but Katie was giggling and it was contagious.
"Girl, have you seen him?" She turned her head, not even trying to be covert about it, and I groaned inwardly. Because if James hadn't realised that we were talking about him, he definitely knew now. "In the name of all women, it is your sacred duty to snog that gorgeous boy until he forgets his name."
"What are you two whispering about?" Tarquin had joined us, just as we had climbed the few steps that led to the Entrance Hall, and Katie quickly let go of me to wrap both of her arms around her boyfriend.
"Cramps. Tampons. The patriarchy." She kissed his cheek and then winked at me - ostentatiously - before pulling Tarquin with her towards the Great Hall. "Come on. I need sustenance."
"Hey, can you maybe wait for us?" Hector called after them, his hand firmly in Sam's as they joined the throngs of students that trickled in from all directions, but I hung back a little, hearing my unruly heartbeat even over the chatter that echoed from the ceiling.
I wasn't sure what I'd expected - maybe that James would have left the second we had set foot in the castle to find his friends - but, when I turned around, he was still there, right behind me, with his messy hair and his damp sweatshirt, looking straight at me.
"Are you sure you're alright?" I said, feeling incredibly weird all of a sudden. Like I had no claim to him here, in this public space with everybody else. Like he only belonged to me in telephone boxes and messy beds and forsaken towers. "Maybe you should go to the hospital wing. Just to be sure."
"I'm fine." He laughed, softly, and my heart stumbled. We were still two wand-lengths apart; far enough to not draw too much attention from the milling crowd, but I could see a few looks swerve our way. Especially when James took a step towards me, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans.
"I'm sorry," I blurted and he stopped, looking entirely confused for a moment. My heart was racing in my chest as I tried to come up with something profound to say; with a good enough reason for why I'd been so quick to think the worst of him before when I'd found the Fauxlantis in his pocket. "For thinking you have something to do with that whole potions disaster. I just -"
I cut myself off, not sure how to say this. How to explain to him that I was so scared of the wreckage - of sacrificing all of my chess pieces - that it sometimes made me expect it.
"Woodley, I-" James's eyes narrowed slightly and I felt the silence like a spell just before the magic hit; when the air changed into this tangible, tingly thing that prickled on your skin. "You do realise that I willingly poisoned myself for you, yeah?" His voice was hoarse as he came close enough for me to have to tilt my head back to keep looking at him. "What do you think that means?"
My breath hitched in my throat, but I tried to not let it show how much he affected me as I arched my eyebrows at him. "That you are very reckless and have a latent death wish?"
He chuckled - low and soft - and then shook his head. "Bloody Merlin," he muttered as he glanced up over my shoulder and then back down at me before letting out a shallow breath. "Can I kiss you? Please?"
Morgan have mercy.
"Here?" I whispered and my stomach clenched as he slowly slid one hand onto my neck, the other around my waist. There were still so many people around us, passing by like waves in the ocean, but I hardly noticed. He made it so easy to just sink into this - into him; to let myself want this.
"Yeah." His voice was barely a sound, murmured against my lips as his nose nudged mine, and I knew that I was lost.
There was a kink in my neck. I had felt it all through Spell Theory; a vicious snapping pain that had pulled me back everytime I had bent too low over my notes. It hadn't been there yesterday when I'd fallen into my bed, clothes and all, barely feeling my limbs from moving half-rotten desks and charming belligerent plants all afternoon. It had been dark by the time we'd left the greenhouse and cosy light had spilled from the windows of the castle to the damp grounds.
Granted, my experience with throwing unauthorised parties in abandoned greenhouses was limited, but this was turning out to be more work than I'd thought it would be. We had not even a week and the place was still a jungle of moonlace that attached itself to anything that moved. And then there was also the issue of getting people to show up. Five weirdos and a couple of stale butterbeers surely wouldn't be enough to draw out the blackmailers.
"Seth, wait up!" A shout echoed down the hallway and I almost ran into the group of fourth-year-girls in front of me. They'd slowed down, giggling and whispering as they kept stealing glances over their shoulders, and I felt the very unflattering blotchy panic blush prickle on my neck.
Great.
"Hey." I felt James's arm slip around my shoulders before I saw him, but it was enough to derail my heartbeat entirely as he pulled me closer against his chest. Because it felt so different - all of it. Every touch was a spell, cursing through me, wreaking havoc on my heart.
"Hi." I turned my head as best as I could to smile up at him, decidedly ignoring our very brazen audience. I wasn't sure what exactly they were looking for; if their eyes were just used to following James or if they were actually waiting for some epic drama to unfold.
If I'd been braver, I would have given them a show; just grab the collar of James's sweatshirt and snog him in front of everybody, against the statue of Wilma the Weird.
The thought alone made my heart race. Because, even though I would never do that, I was sure that he'd let me.
"Yo, Lizzibeth!" Freddie had come up on my other side, shielding me a little from the curious onlookers, his smile charming and bright and easy. "We need your expertise."
"No, please don't." James tipped his head back and groaned, which didn't impress Freddie much.
"I really think we should have a theme for the party," he went on unperturbed and I immediately noticed the shift in attention around us; the strange hush that trailed after the word party, especially when it was uttered by Freddie Weasley. "Like Welcome to the Jungle or Feral Fiesta."
"Feral Fiesta?" I could feel a laugh bubble up my throat, just as James snorted and shook his head.
"Please don't listen to him, Woodley," he said and Freddie reached around my back to smack him.
Like this, wedged in between them and their silly banter, I was blissfully sheltered from the crowd, even if people were still paying us a little too much attention.
"That sounds brilliant, Freddie. But I kind of think it's too late for that," I said, noticing the movement of James's chest as he let out a breathy laugh. His warm lips brushed casually against my temple and I felt the flutter of soft wings stirring behind my navel again, like a brewing storm.
"Fine." Freddie sighed. "No awesome theme, then." He, like James, had stopped walking, which I realised a second too late. James's arm had slipped from my shoulders as I walked ahead of him, but he reached out and grabbed my hand, spinning me around and pulling me back into him.
"Where are you going, Woodley?" He was grinning, his hand sliding onto my waist as he gently guided me past a group of scurrying first-years. It took me a second to catch on, but then I realised where he was taking me and my stomach lurched. Because the courtyard that was framed by the portico off the Entrance Hall was dappled with familiar seventh-year, soaking up the patchy sunlight of the first nice-ish day in weeks.
"Oh, um -" I stalled, my gaze following Freddie who was walking ahead of us towards the shallow stone steps where Augustus Cotton was lazily strumming a guitar while Benji Thomas was frantically copying sentences from a very battered book, his fingers smeared with ink.
"Everything OK?" James asked, a soft, puzzled frown marring his expression.
"Yeah, I just…" I felt a little helpless as I took a few sumbling steps backwards. The group of girls that was sprawled around one of the stone tables had seen us by now and I could tell that they were watching us. Selma McLaggen had even fully turned around to get a better look. It was a different sort of scrutiny than that of the general student body; less hungry but entirely more intimidating. And, even though it was kind of nice that James had brought me here - to all of his friends with his arm around me - I was panicking.
"I have to go."
"What?" He laughed, like he thought I was joking, but his grin faded when I took another step backwards, out of his reach. "Where?"
"I just - um - loo." I vaguely pointed over my shoulder, fully aware that I was being extremely weird, even as I attempted to soften it all with a smile. "Sorry. See you later."
"Woodley!" I heard him call after me, but I had already thrown myself into the sluggishly moving crowd, trusting it to swallow me before this could get even worse.
I wasn't sure where I was going. I had swerved before the stream of people would have swept me into the Great Hall, veering left and walking down the narrow corridor that snaked around the staircase. Only when I had reached the end, I finally stopped and looked around.
It was quiet and empty and the looming feeling of mortification slowly settled behind my chest as I let my back sink against the wall. This was ridiculous.
I was ridiculous.
It shouldn't have been a big deal to hang out with James's friends for a bit. Even if they were completely terrifying and Athena definitely hated me. But, instead, I had dramatically stormed off.
I had failed so phenomenally. So soon.
There was a metallic screech - the sound of a rusty window hinge swinging open - and I startled, feeling the blood drain from my face as it rushed to my legs. It only occurred to me then that I probably shouldn't wander around the castle alone; not with unhinged potion dealers on the loose who I had supplied with a useless dupe.
I pressed my lips together and pushed myself away from the wall again, craning my still sore neck as best as I could as I squinted down the narrow corridor. There were no torches in the brackets along the wall, but sunlight pooled in through a small window, illuminating the person standing in front of it.
"Vala?" I said before I could stop myself and she snapped her head around, still half-leaning out the window with her elbows digging into the ledge, her dark eyebrows pulling into a frown.
"Seth?"
Behind her, tendrils of blue-ish smoke were unfurling in slow-motion, painting abstract shapes into the sunlight, and I narrowed my eyes as I watched them curl around her face.
"Are you smoking?"
Vala's gaze dipped to my sweatshirt where the small prefect pin gleamed right above the stitched school crest, her lips pressing together into a thin line. Her face looked pallid, even in the light, and when she glanced up at me again, her expression was hard yet painfully familiar. "It curbs the appetite."
I didn't know what to say. I should have docked points from Slytherin, but I remembered the care package and the diet pills from a few months ago and I bit my bottom lip. There was something strange about finding my cousin like this; smoking alone in a dank hallway during lunch. Like entering the abandoned greenhouse and feeling the callous neglect that had damaged it over the years.
She watched me as I approached, somewhat wearily, and I understood. I couldn't remember if we had ever been close or if we had always been like this; distant and yet oddly entangled within the complex construct of our family. But our relationship had shifted a little this year - not fundamentally, but enough to feel different. Less cold.
"Are you still mad at me?" She said after a while, her cigarette burning down faster as a gust of wind bristled through the trees, and I let my gaze shift to the sun-dappled grounds beyond the window, watching the leaves shiver in the breeze.
"You mean for not telling me that Hogwarts' it-girl has it out for me?"
Vala let out a breathy snort that turned into a sigh. "I should have told you," she said quietly. "About Athena. I'm sorry."
I nodded, not sure how to respond - if I even wanted an apology. She had tried, after all. Cryptically and in a very creepy way, but she had warned me.
We stood in silence for a moment and I watched the smoke scatter in the wind as Vala leaned out the window to take a drag from her cigarette. "So," she said, eyes narrowing in a way that was oozing pure Woodley energy. "You and James Potter."
It wasn't a question, but I still felt the slight prickle of panic at the magnitude of everything it implied.
Me and James Potter.
I wasn't even sure if that was a thing - if we were. Especially after I had just left him standing in the hallway a few minutes earlier.
"A little?" I crossed my arms, feeling the butterflies stir again as my face warmed to the tips of my ears. "Just… Don't tell the Woodleys. I'm not ready to have that conversation."
"You're not serious." Vala rolled her eyes, releasing a sharp puff of smoke that obscured her face for a moment. "So far, you've been caught for brewing a black-listed potion, publicly snogged James Potter, ruined your almost-engagement to a Macmillan, and then broke Henry Pennington's heart." She snorted and shook her head, dislodging strands of her dark hair from behind her ear. "I think you'll be fine, cousin."
I sighed and leaned against the wall, feeling the weight of all of my secrets sink to my stomach like a jagged stone. Vala had no idea how much worse I could make this. How much closer I was to being carted off to Madame Esher's and a miserable life with a horribly suitable husband. Everything was so fragile, like a house of cards, and lately it felt like I was just waiting for it all to collapse.
"I didn't break Henry's heart." I cut my gaze up to Vala, remembering how he had danced with me, joking about buying me floating paper lanterns for our wedding. He had been so sweet and kind and I was still a little ashamed of how things had ended between us - of how I had treated him. "You think the Woodleys know about that?"
"Are you really asking?" Vala stubbed out her cigarette on the stone ledge and then flicked her wand over the ashes to make it all disappear. "He's perfect. Practically every pureblood family's wet dream of a son in law."
I exhaled slowly, moving out of the way as she closed the window and latched it shut with a snap. I really was the worst at being a Woodley.
"You should be careful."
"What?" I raised my eyes to meet Vala's gaze, my thoughts still clinging to fragments of my parents and Henry and the way I had cried when he had kissed me.
"Athena's batshit," she said, her arms folded tightly across her uniform blouse, and it took me a second to register the change in topic. "She pushed a girl off the Notte's veranda this summer, just for talking to James."
I had heard the rumour - not the bit about James, but I remembered Katie telling me the story on the train. It had seemed like complete nonsense then; a vile piece of gossip that some bored fourth-years had made up for fun, and it was still hard to believe that anybody would be this reckless over a boy.
"It's true." Vala untied her arms and picked up her bag from the floor, slipping the strap over her shoulder as she pulled out a packet of chewing gum and a tube of lipgloss from the front pocket. "Demi told me. I mean, there was a pool underneath the terrace or whatever, but still."
She popped the gum into her mouth and then applied a layer of sticky gloss, blotting the excess by pressing her lips together. I watched her for a moment, feeling a strange sort of ache pulse behind my chest. Because I felt it more keenly than ever; the absence of our relationship. What we could have been if things had been different.
"Do you remember playing wizard chess?"
Vala stopped fussing with her bag and looked up at me, her eyebrows drawing into a frown before her expression softened again. "I fucking hated it." She snorted. "Got eviscerated every time."
"Yeah." I sighed, feeling the heaviness of everything more acutely than ever. "Me too."
A/N: As always, thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed the penultimate chapter to the HNTBAW saga :). I've struggled with writing this (and the last chapter, which I've already started) a lot and I think it's because the end is coming and I don't know if I'm ready.
Anyway, I really appreciate your support and I love love love your comments (here and on tumblr), no matter how short or long or weird or whatever. Just hearing from you guys means the world to me.
If you enjoy this story and haven't checked out my tumblr yet, I would recommend popping by to enjoy the James POVs and post-Hogwarts snippets, as well as the moodboards I have posted over there.️
