Chapter 19 – Mending
Author's Note: Enjoy this final chapter! There will be an epilogue next week to tie everything else up. ^-^
~ Amina Gila
Anakin opens his eyes to see the familiar walls inside the Halls of Healing at the Jedi Temple. He struggles to remember how he got there. He can't – can't remember. The last thing he remembers is going to confront Dooku. He remembers Dooku telling them that if he dies, the Separatist forces would fire on Coruscant. After that… it's all a blank to him, just like it was after he fought Sidious. Presumably, he must have done something similar, drawn on the Force until he collapsed.
"Anakin?"
He turns toward Obi-Wan's voice, feeling relief wash over him, nearly drowning him, when he sees his former master there. He'd been so worried about Obi-Wan when he joined Dooku, and he'd been afraid of what the Jedi would do if they knew what he'd chosen. That he's here must mean that they're still allowing him to walk free.
Words get stuck in his throat when he tries to speak, and Obi-Wan reaches for water, helping him sit up a little and drink some. "You've been in a coma for almost a week," Obi-Wan tells him, not quite meeting his eyes as he puts the glass down, his hands shaking minutely. "Senator Amidala and Ahsoka were here for a while, but they just left a couple hours ago to get some rest. The healers weren't sure when you'd wake up."
"What – what happened?" Anakin asks, frowning. "Dooku? I don't – the last thing I remember, I was there, at the Senate, confronting him. After that… there's nothing."
Obi-Wan's lips press together, and he glances towards the screens which are monitoring Anakin's readings. "You drew on the Force, destroyed the droids in the Senate," he answers, "And then, you somehow destroyed four of the Separatist cruisers orbiting over Coruscant. I've never seen anything like it. No one has. Dooku was arrested. Tarkin – I – I killed him, when he tried to kill you."
Anakin touches his head, feeling the throbbing in it. "I don't remember that." But it sounds right. It rings with rightness in the Force. It happened. He just… can't remember.
"You nearly died." And oh, that explains Obi-Wan's attitude, the thinly veiled aggression and anger just beneath the surface. He was scared, and he hides it with anger.
"Master," Anakin says, reaching out to catch his hand and squeeze it, his voice gentling. "Obi-Wan, I'm okay. It's over now."
Obi-Wan, instead of pulling his hand away like he often does when Anakin expresses affection physically, tightens his grip. "You died, Anakin," he murmurs, shaking his head. "Your heart stopped. You – scared everyone. You almost didn't make it." He hesitates. "I – I was able to restart your heart with Force lightning."
Huh. He pokes at his former master through their bond, feeling the cool chilliness of his Force presence, the sharp iciness of it. He's still Dark, just maybe not as much as it was before, when Anakin went to confront, and stop, Dooku at the Senate. "I'm okay," he repeats, because he doesn't know what else to say. He'd known he could die when he went in, and he hasn't wanted to, but it had to be done, for the good of the galaxy, for his family, people he loves and would die to protect.
Obi-Wan's jaw clenches, blue-gray eyes stormy. "Did you want to die?" he asks bluntly, and Anakin flinches slightly at the question. It's a fair one, given what he's done, given the depression he's been going through for months, but it still… It stings a little.
He doesn't even need to think of the answer, though. "Not anymore," he answers softly.
He had wanted to die, though, for so long, and he – it changed slowly, gradually, especially after he left the Order. Being free from the pressure and expectations did wonders for his mind. It helped him more than he'd even dreamed. The only thing holding him back was Obi-Wan. He didn't know if his once master cared, how much he cared, rather, because he always has known Obi-Wan was… fond of him. But fondness isn't the same as love, and all he'd ever wanted was for Obi-Wan to care. And then they were captured by Dooku and everything came undone.
Obi-Wan joined Dooku to save his life. That – it means something to him. It means more than he could ever say. It's proof – solid, irrefutable proof – that Obi-Wan cares. He cares about him enough that he would sell himself to save him.
And while Anakin has always wanted to know how much Obi-Wan cared, while he would never have wanted to find out in the way he did, he can't quite bring himself to regret learning the truth, either. Maybe that makes him selfish, but he – he doesn't care.
Obi-Wan's expression is pained, and his grip on Anakin's hand tightens. "But you did want to die." It's more a statement than a question, a tentative probe to get him to open up.
Previously, before leaving the Order, Anakin hadn't been ready to expose himself, to make himself so vulnerable. But now that he knows how much Obi-Wan cares, it's easier. Maybe his former master won't understand, but he still cares, so Anakin's words will still matter to him. It's more than he could ever have asked for.
"Yeah," he admits, turning his eyes upward toward the ceiling. His thoughts are whirling, and his mind is muddled. He doesn't know what to think or how to feel about anything which has happened recently. "I –" He hesitates, his heartrate increasing as he considers confessing his thoughts and feelings to Obi-Wan. He should. It's the only way they might ever be able to… sort something out. "You died in front of me, in my arms, Obi-Wan. Maybe it wasn't real, but it was real then to me. It – all I could think, after, was that you didn't trust me with the truth, because I cared too much, because I wasn't the Jedi I should be."
Somehow, saying this makes him feel lighter. It feels like he can breathe a little better, some of the grief and pain that he's been harboring inside of him for months slowly easing. "My mother died in my arms, too, you know. I couldn't save her, and I couldn't save you, and I – I didn't – don't know how to deal with it."
Obi-Wan makes a quiet noise, almost strangled. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I didn't – I didn't think – I should never have agreed to the Council's plan."
It's a start, but it can't undo what Anakin's been through. It's only a balm to a wound that will never fully heal over. It'll scar, and it'll always be there as a reminder. "I know," he says, instead of saying all of that. After seeing how far Obi-Wan would go for him, he could never doubt that he'd regret hurting him, too. "But that doesn't… change it. Even if I forgive you, Master, there will always be some mornings when I wake up and think you're dead."
"Is – is that why you…?" Obi-Wan's voice trails off, but Anakin can guess where it's going.
"Hurt myself?" he finishes and nods. "It… helped me dull the pain." It feels like a weakness to say it aloud though, and he can't quite stop the wave of shame that washes over him. "I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know."
"I don't think less of you for it, Anakin," he answers, and Anakin wants to believe that, but he just… can't. He can't imagine how Obi-Wan couldn't look at him now and not see someone who's damaged and weak and in need of protection.
A silence falls between them, a little strained and awkward, but Anakin can't think of anything he can say to break it. It's a few minutes before Obi-Wan does. Unlike many times, it seems like Obi-Wan is actually listening to him, trying to understand. It's more than Anakin expected, and he can't even begin to express how grateful he is. Maybe they have a chance, after all, at mending things.
"Is there anything I can do?" Obi-Wan questions, and his voice is so gentle. A part of Anakin treasures it, that Obi-Wan is treating him this way, but another part of him resents it. He doesn't want his former master to see him as weak or damaged. He – he just wants him to see him. He wants their dynamic to stay the same, or maybe for them to grow closer, but he doesn't – he can't –
Maybe it's just his fear of the unknown that's talking.
He considers that for a few moments, before shrugging a shoulder. "Not immediately," he says, "But Padme – she'd wanted me to go to a mind healer. It… It's supposed to help. I don't know. I stopped going, but maybe…" He trails off, chewing on his lower lip, turning his head away to stare at the wall. He's tired of feeling like this all the time. He wants to feel better, wants to take back his life and live. He can't do that if he's so… depressed. "I might try again," he finishes, turning back to meet Obi-Wan's blue-gray eyes, "And I want you to go with me."
From the way Obi-Wan blinks at him, Anakin might think he'd sprouted a second head and proclaimed his undying love for sand. "You… want me to go to a mind healer?" he echoes.
"Yeah," Anakin tells him, "I know our relationship has been… rocky over the years, and I don't – I don't know how we can move past this. It can't hurt." He doesn't know that it'll work, of course, but if it doesn't, they can at least say they tried. Obi-Wan is too important to him for him to be able to handle them growing apart, and he thinks the same is true in the reverse. Being apart from Obi-Wan hurt, so much, more than he'd thought possible, but he doesn't know that he's ready or able to handle being close to him again for extended periods of time. They can only take one thing at a time, and he – they have to try doing something.
Obi-Wan seems to consider that for a few moments, or maybe he's thinking about what it would mean for him to agree. "Okay," he agrees, though there's an obvious wariness in his eyes, "If that's what you really want."
Anakin huffs out a breath that isn't quite amused. "I want to feel better," he says, because that is the only thing he can state with surety. Maybe later, once he's recovered more, when he isn't so exhausted, he'll be able to label something else that he really wants, but not right now.
His former master pulls his hand from Anakin's, and Anakin feels a pang of loss for a moment, but only until he realizes what Obi-Wan is doing. Obi-Wan leans forward, gently looping an arm around Anakin's back and pulling him closer into an embrace. It's not tight, by any means, but the gentle pressure of Obi-Wan's arms around him and the warmth of his body means more to Anakin than he can ever say. Anakin curls closer, resting his head on Obi-Wan's shoulder, a feeling of peace and contentment washing over him.
It won't last forever, he knows, but with Obi-Wan here, this close, it's enough for now. It's enough to know that Obi-Wan cares about him enough to get past whatever his own aversion might be towards physical displays of affection. Even if Obi-Wan is Dark, Fallen, even if his Force presence feels like ice, Anakin still feels comforted and protected. He feels… loved.
**w**
When Ahsoka wakes up, she's momentarily disoriented, and she fumbles around, looking for the chrono. It's the middle of the afternoon, and she almost flies out of her bed when she realizes it. Stars, she's been sleeping for hours. She can't remember the last time she slept so soundly and for so long. Probably before the war broke out, when she exhausted herself with lightsaber practice. Padme must be long gone to the Senate.
She doesn't even wait to hop out of bed before comming Obi-Wan to check on Anakin. Padme had dragged her back to her apartment so they could get some proper sleep, after spending days at Anakin's bedside, wondering and worrying if he'd be okay and if he'd wake up. "How is he?" she blurts out, a certain franticness humming within her as she haphazardly makes her bed with one hand.
"He's awake," comes the answer, and Ahsoka forgets how to breathe for a moment. "We spoke earlier, and he fell asleep again."
"I'm coming over," she tells him, bolting from the apartment. She almost forgets to put her boots on before she goes, and she doesn't bother getting something to eat before she's speeding towards the Temple so fast that it's a miracle that she isn't stopped by police droids.
Thankfully, no one calls her out on running through the Temple halls, and she skids to a stop outside Anakin's room, panting, trying to calm down before she bursts in there and startles him. He might be resting, and she doesn't want to disturb him unnecessarily. But when she opens the door, he's awake, his bed tilted so he's sitting mostly upright even if he's leaning against it. "Hey, Snips," he says teasingly, and Ahsoka wants to throw herself into his arms and never let go.
"I'll give you some time to talk," Obi-Wan interjects before Ahsoka can find her voice, squeezing Anakin's shoulder before slipping around her and leaving.
She doesn't spare him a glance, half-stumbling forward and dropping into the chair that he vacated. "How are you feeling?" she asks, worried. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," he promises, and in the Force, it doesn't feel like a lie. "Using the Force like that took a toll, and I've been given strict orders to rest for a few days. They'll probably be releasing me in a week if everything stays normal."
Ahsoka breathes out a sigh of relief and gives in to her earlier urge to throw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Nothing had been as terrifying for her as the moment when Anakin collapsed. He'd been so still, blood flowing from his nose, not breathing, his heart not beating. She'd panicked. They all had. Obi-Wan had yelled for them to call a medic, and he'd drawn on the Dark, using Force lightning to restart Anakin's heart.
Anakin had come so close to death then. So close. In all the time that Ahsoka was Anakin's padawan, she's never seen him so… injured. So still. Even knowing what he'd been going through, even knowing he'd been hurting himself couldn't compare to that.
"I was – so scared, Anakin," she whispers, into his shoulders, feeling tears blur her gaze.
She feels, more than hears, him sigh, as he rests his chin between her montrals, tucking her into his side. "I know," he answers softly. "I know you were. I never meant to scare you, but there was no other way for me to end it. Dooku was going to kill everyone, and I couldn't let him do that. But I'm okay now. We're going to be okay, Ahsoka." He says it like a promise, and she can tell that he means it, too, but she still shudders, clinging tighter.
He nearly died in much the same way Obi-Wan did, even if Obi-Wan's death wasn't real. She doesn't know how she'd have been able to keep moving forward if Anakin had – if Obi-Wan hadn't been able to help him. Losing Anakin… That's not something she could ever have recovered from. She can only thank the Force that Anakin is still here, still with them, still alive.
**w**
By the time Padme comes back, it's late evening. Anakin has spent most of the day since Ahsoka came back, chatting aimlessly with her and Obi-Wan, playing stupid holonet games, and seeing who can come up with the most outlandish retellings of past adventures – which he wins, despite whatever Obi-Wan might claim to the contrary. They're all laughing, even Obi-Wan, when Padme steps into the room.
Her expression melts with relief, and no small amount of affection, when she sees them, and he waves at her. "Padme! You're back."
She comes over immediately, sitting on the edge of the bed, opposite Ahsoka, reaching out to take his hand and squeeze it. "The Senate is in an uproar over everything which happened," she explains. "I didn't want to go, but I didn't have a choice."
"It's okay," he says, waving it off. "You're here now, and that's what matters." He pauses, thinking over what he's heard so far of what happened after they went to confront Dooku. "What's happening with Dooku anyway?"
"He's imprisoned in the Temple," Obi-Wan answers, "And the Senate, from my understanding, is still trying to determine what should be done."
Padme sighs at that, suddenly looking exhausted, and Anakin squeezes her hand, as if that can somehow imbue her with more strength. "It's a mess," she admits, "No one can decide what the right thing to do is, and there is much debate over whether he should be tried here or turned over to the Separatists again, as per their demands."
"At least there's a ceasefire in place," Anakin offers, glancing at Obi-Wan instinctively to reaffirm it. Ahsoka mentioned it to him earlier, but he hasn't heard anything about it himself.
"Yes, that's correct," Obi-Wan assures. "The war is, temporarily, at a pause."
"What do you think will happen?" Ahsoka queries. "We're not gonna let Dooku go are we?"
"Unlikely," Padme answers. "I imagine the Senate will have to concede to let the CIS become a separate government and Dooku will go on trial."
"And be executed," Anakin murmurs, because really, there's no other possible outcome for him.
He doesn't really know how he feels about that, though. It's justice, he knows, but at the same time… well, he just wishes that there could have been a way to avoid all of the war in the first place. Probably, it would have been impossible, not with the Sith out there and the rampant corruption. A part of him doesn't even know how any of it can be saved, much less fixed. But that's not really his concern anymore, is it? Right now, he needs to focus on getting better, on being with his family again. They are what matter. The galaxy can survive without him for a short time.
Their conversation moves on to other topics, and finally, Obi-Wan convinces Ahsoka to come with him so they can get something to eat and give Anakin and Padme some time together. As the door closes behind them, Padme's shoulders slump with relief, and she leans in, kissing Anakin lightly before pulling back. The tension that he'd sensed buzzing within her somehow seems even stronger now, and he reaches out, touching her face lightly as he tries to understand.
"What is it?" he asks. "I can feel something is on your mind."
"I –" She hesitates, swallowing. "I'm pregnant, Ani," she whispers. "I found out right after Dooku was arrested, and I – I had no idea what to do. You were in a coma, and no one knew if you'd ever wake up."
Anakin pulls her closer, pressing their foreheads together. "It's okay," he says, and it feels like he's been saying this to everyone, but it's what he believes, and he won't stop repeating it until they believe it, too. Euphoria bubbles up within him as the words, and their meaning, sink in. Padme's pregnant. They're going to have a child. He's going to be a father. "And this is wonderful, Padme. The timing is… perfect. The war is over. It's safe. We can – have a family, like we've always wanted."
She lets out a little laugh and cuddles up to his side, wrapping an arm around him and just snuggling there. "It's still a little early to say there'll be peace."
"There will be," he states confidently. He doesn't know how he knows; he just does. He can feel it, the soft, warmth of brightness in the future. The storm has passed. They're safe. It's done. There will always be challenges for them to face, of course, but the Clone Wars have ended.
It means they can go to Naboo, have a family, without feeling guilt for abandoning the people who need them. It means they can finally fight to grant the clones the freedom that they have always deserved. It means they can learn to be free from the pressures and burdens, can discover who they are and what they really want.
The one thing Anakin realized after he left the Order with Ahsoka and moved in with Padme was that, even if they're married, they're still practically strangers. They don't know each other in the way he knows Obi-Wan, or even Ahsoka or Rex. It was a startling realization, and it's something that they've been working to rectify, bonding when they can, getting to know everything there is to know about one another.
"Do you think it'll be a boy or girl?" Padme queries, and he can hear the smile in her voice, the wonder. She might have known this for longer than him, but even she can't believe it. Nor can he, for that matter.
Anakin smirks at that. "Why not both?" he teases, and Padme laughs, swatting his arm.
"That's not funny."
"When should we tell Obi-Wan and Ahsoka?"
The door opens, and Ahsoka bounces in, followed by Obi-Wan, who is walking in what he would consider a far more "civilized" manner. "Tell me what?" she demands.
Anakin and Padme exchange glances. They might as well tell them; they're family, too, and they deserve to know so they can all celebrate the news together. Besides, Anakin wants them to know. "Well," he begins, grinning, "Padme and I are going to have a child."
There's a split second of dead silence and then, "what?"
Which rapidly devolves into a series of shrieks – from Ahsoka, of course – and congratulations, from them both.
**w**
Ever since Obi-Wan joined Dooku, he had known that he was turning his back on the Order, and he had been alright with that, since it meant saving Anakin's life. And Anakin survived, so the cost was worth it. That should be enough for him, but… it's not. Well, it's not enough to make him let go of the Dark. There's power to it, and he knows it's wrong and forbidden, but it's – it saved Anakin, when no one and nothing else could. He can't let it go because of that.
Anakin nearly died.
And Obi-Wan cannot forget.
It makes him wonder if Anakin felt like this after he faked his death. It makes him wonder… and he doesn't much like the places where his mind goes when he wonders. Maybe he's not a good person. Maybe he never has been. Maybe he's only ever been pretending. Maybe the Dark was always where he'd end up. He's not nearly as selfless and unattached as he ought to be. When he was still one of the Jedi, that was something that bothered him immensely. It still does – but it also doesn't. There's a part of him, a dark, twisted part, that enjoys it, that likes being selfish, that wants to keep Anakin all to himself, just so he can stay safe.
Obviously, he would never begrudge Anakin his family, but he hardly knows what to do with these foreign feelings of protectiveness and possessiveness that he now feels. Probably, it's something that he'll have to sort out a bit at a time. It won't be easy, either.
Maybe Anakin is onto something about the whole mind healing thing. It can't hurt, at any rate, even if he's incredibly wary at the thought of exposing himself to strangers.
It's time to put the past behind them and learn to leave it in the past, no matter how difficult or impossible it seems.
"You've been here nonstop since I woke up," Anakin comments, amused, quirking an eyebrow at him. And it's true. Normally, Obi-Wan would have to leave to attend to his other duties but not anymore. Not only is Anakin now his highest priority, but also, he has no other duties.
"Yes," Obi-Wan agrees dryly, "Do you want me to leave? Are you tired of seeing my face already?"
Anakin snorts, rolling his eyes. "I grew up with you around, Master. If I was going to get tired of seeing your face, that would have happened a long time ago. And no, I'm not asking you to leave. I'm just wondering…" He hesitates, a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. "I thought you'd have Council work to deal with." There's a question in here, and Obi-Wan lets out a breath, conceding to telling Anakin the rest of the truth of what transpired.
"I'm not on the Council anymore."
Anakin blinks at him in shock, his eyes widening. "Why? Because you Fell?"
Obi-Wan inclines his head. "Yes," he agrees, "That and more. I… know I could let go of the Dark, if I tried, but the truth is…" He looks away, almost feeling ashamed of saying this aloud, no matter that he knows Anakin deserves the truth. "I don't want to let it go."
"Why not?" He sounds more curious than judgmental, for which Obi-Wan is grateful.
"You nearly died, padawan mine," Obi-Wan answers, laying a hand on his arm, "And I will not see it happen again. After everything, I cannot stay in the Order. I thought perhaps it might be nice for us all to move somewhere else to start over." This is an emotional conversation, far more than he's normally comfortable with, and he can't quite stop the flash of doubt. Maybe he's pushing too far. Maybe –
But Anakin's expression melts into one of relief. "Yeah," he murmurs, "I like the sound of that."
And all Obi-Wan can do is lightly squeeze his arm to convey his gratitude. Words can't do justice to how he feels, the hopefulness of imminent freedom, the thrilling prospect of starting a new life together, far from the people who will, and have, judge them.
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